01x21 - I'm Not Your Superwoman

[bunniefuu]

Sorry for the inconvenience, people,

but you kids are too wild at the club today.

Just wanna make sure nobody gets hurt

smuggling any weapons in, all right?

Come on here, let me see now.

Okay. How you doing, partner?

Have a good time. How you doing, lady?

Have a good time. Oh, whoa, damn!

The ugly buzzer just went off.

You brothers are ugly as hell.

If ugly was a crime, you'd get the electric chair.

Now get out the club. Please leave the club.

You're messing it up. Let's go!

Just move it. That's right, don't stop.

Let's go. Hold on, partner, hold on.

Look kind of crazy, boy. I got to check you, buddy.

Hold on. Thank you.

Whoa, take you hands out your pocket, let me check.

All right, buddy. Go on, you clean.

Dang. Dang, hold on!

You didn't think I saw those midgets, did ya?

Come on, pay for three people.

Let's go, three people. You tried to sneak 'em in.

Pay for the midgets. Lady.

Okay, now let me shake one of them hands.

♪♪

♪ Martin ♪

♪ Martin ♪

♪ Martin Lawrence ♪

Yo, what's up? How y'all feel?

♪Martin ♪

♪ Martin ♪

♪♪

[indistinct voices]

That Steven Seagal movie was right on.

Oh, yeah, you gonna press somebody elbow

and then they die. Yeah, right.

Yo, man, I'ma tell you like this.

Y'all see a bother with a ponytail

and some tight jeans whup my a*s, k*ll me.

What is up with his gut splatting out?

No, babe, you mean splack-ack-ack-ack out.

Yo, you would think with all them kung-fu lessons

Steven Seagal would've done a couple sit-ups.

Boy walking around all fat and bloated

looking like Elvis, talking about...

[laughter]

[coughing]

Yo, for real, Seagal is weak, man.

[coughing] I could take him.

You don't have to take him.

All you have to do is cough on him.

You need to take your behind home.

We couldn't hear half the movie with all your hacking.

I'm sorry. I just can seem to shake this cold, y'all.

Cole, please don't make me sick.

I have a very important project at work this week,

and it could mean a promotion.

Right, girlfriend? Come on now.

Mo' money, mo' money.

Okay, uh, what exactly is it you do, Gina?

I'm in marketing. You know that.

Oh, right, right, that's cool, that's cool.

My cousin's in marketing.

She's the one that says, "Plastic or paper?"

You know her?

Chips? [coughing]

[all shouting]

I'll have some.

If I'd known that was all I had to do to get the when bowl,

I'd have did it a long time ago.

Get away from here, man! Get off!

[Martin coughing]

Excuse me. Ahem.

But I'm telling you, okay,

Black History Month should be in December

when you get days.

Sticking us in February, that's only days.

I'm telling you, it's a conspiracy.

You know what I'm saying?

But look here, we gotta break for commercial,

so we'll be back after a word from Chez Maurice.

[coughs] Excuse me.

Enjoy the intimate dining experience

of Chez Maurice. [wheezing cough]

Excuse me. Try our succulent T-bone steak

simmering in it's own... [congested snorting]

[coughing] ...juices.

So hurry on down to Chez Maurice,

where everyone loves to... [coughing and choking]

Look, Detroit, I gotta go,

but I'll see you when I see you.

Okay? Sorry. Peace. ♪♪

Martin, what are you doing? We got over an hour of show left.

Yo, man, put in a tape. [groaning]

Uh... Martin...

Where do you think you're going?

You know, I own you for another hour.

No, no, look, Stan, I can't go on, man, I got a cold.

What? What's wrong with you?

I caught a cold from Cole.What?

I caught a cold from Cole! You want a Coca-Cola?

Look, Stan, I'm sick, man, all right?

I need the rest of the day off.

Hell, no!

You know, young people k*ll me nowadays.

Always wanting a day off when they sneeze

or they get run over by a bus.

Look, let me tell you a story, Martin.

Don't even go there. All right, I'm sick enough, man.

Look, man, it was or '--

', Stan.

I was working three jobs and going to school.

I came down with--

with the flu, and what did I do?

I continued to work, Martin.

And that's how I got my first business.

Oh, gimme a break, Stan.

All right, you didn't get it working hard.

You gave your boss the flu, all right,

he died of pneumonia, and left you the business.

You can't prove that.

Anyway, the point is I continued to work.

That is my point. I continued to work.

Come on, Stan, I-- [sneezes]

Oh, oh, oh!

God, you got that mucous all in my eye!

All on my tie!

Oh, well, with that tie, you don't even notice it.

♪♪

I know we're a little under the g*n,

but we've got to finish our project deadline by tomorrow.

Now I've come up with some ideas that--

I'm sorry, Ms. Waters,

but there's a call on line two.

They say it's important.

Okay, excuse me. Sorry. This is Ms. Waters.

Martin, honey, I'm in a meeting right now.

I can't talk right now. Bye.

Sorry. Um, what was I saying?

Right, right, right. There have been some problems

with the dye lots on the promotional t-shirts.

and I've come up with a solution

that will not only reduce the cost by %--

Excuse me, Ms. Waters. Line two again.

He said it was an emergency.

[Gina exhales deeply]

Hello.

Martin... Martin, I told you I'm in a meeting.

Honey, I'm sorry, you're sick, but--

All right-- all right, Martin, what color is it?

Really? Well, um, just--

Just drink some juice and I'll talk to you later.

Okay, bye.

Um, Pam, where was I, please?

You were talking about dye lots.

I'm sorry. He said it was

a matter of life and death.

He boyfriend has a cold.

Martin, call a doctor and leave me alone.

Hello? Hello, Martin?

What happened?

I was just talking to Martin and the line went dead.

Look, Pam, I need to go check it out.

Would you cover for me?

Yeah, Gina, but if you want this promotion,

you're gonna have to finish this up tonight.

Don't worry about it. We will, okay?

Uh, excuse me. Pam is gonna finish up here.

Thanks, girl.

Okay, Gina's gone and I don't have a boyfriend,

so it looks like we're gonna be here all day.

♪♪

Martin? Baby?

What happened, honey?

Well!

What a surprise!

Look who finally decided to show up.

Hello, Mrs. Payne. Is Martin all right?

How did you get in here? Did I leave the door unlocked?

No, I have a key.

Does Martin know?

Yes, he gave it to me.

Well, I got to talk to him about trusting everybody.

Look, is Martin all right?

All right? Child, the boy's half-dead!

Luckily, I was in the neighborhood

looking for the numbers man.

, remember that number. That's for me.

I better go see him.

Now don't go back there disturbing him!

He's in his drawers. He don't need you peeking at him.

Maybe I'll make him some tea.

Tea? Hell, we ain't in England!

Well, maybe I'll give him some orange juice.

Orange juice?

Well, why don't you just go on back there

and sh**t him in the damn head?

Now let me tell you how to take care of my boy.

Oh, yes, please, Mrs. Payne.

Tell me, tell me, please!

I'd like to know, please.

Child, have you lost your damn mind?

You ain't too grown to get double-backslapped.

I'll bring you here, pow, then bring you there.

What?

I'm sorry.

Tell me, please.

Now, you give him a cup of my remedy every hour.

You put garlic in his shoes.

You rub pork fat on his chest.

Got to be an oily fat.

You put a boiled egg in a sock

and you hang it in the doorway.

Why? Child, I don't know! Just do it.

My mama did her, her mother did!

Just do it.

You modern women have no idea

how to take care of no sick man.

Yes, we do!

Nowadays you can have a career

and you can take care of your man, too.

Well, I guess you done told me.

All I did was raise him for years.

I worked seven jobs trying to put him through school.

Back and forth to the principal's office.

In and out of juvenile homes, but did I complain?

But did I complain?! No!

Just like I did not complain,

when I brought him into this world.

And, child, the boy's head was the same size it is now.

hours. [imitating Lamaze breathing]

hours of hard labor, Gina.

And you never know how hard.

They were pulling the boy by his ears.

Damn it, if I hadn't sneezed-- Keesh!

I'd still be pregnant.

But I guess I don't know as much as you.

Ms. Modern Woman!

Now look here, I gotta get ready to go.

but if something happen to my baby,

you better watch your back.

Don't make no damn sense.

Done got me all riled up.

I don't want him with you anyway.

...

Tell me I can't take care of my man.

I can take care of my man.

[Martin, moaning] Mamaaa!

Ohh.

♪♪

[knocking on door] Martin?

Hey, bubbe, you're sick?

[coughing] Hey, baby. Hey.

Where's my mama?

She's not here, Martin. I'm gonna take care of you now.

Oh, babe, thank you, but I don't think you can take care of me.

I think I need my mama.

You-- you want her pager number?

No, Martin, you don't need your mother.

I'm perfectly capable of taking care of you myself.

Now put this cold towel on your head.

Aah aah, babe, it's cold!

My mother generally makes it warm.

Okay, well, I'll warm it up.

All right, thank you, my angel.

You're welcome.

[bell ringing]

What is that? It's my sick bell.

I had it since I was seven.

Oh... What do you need?

Um, would you check my temperature, please?

Oh, sure, baby. No problem.

Okay, all right, all right.

[groaning]

Martin... no!

You're not going there, Mart--

Martin, no! You're not going--

Turn around. Tur around and sit up, okay?

Open your mouth. What, you don't know how to put it in?

Your mouth.

Sit up. You ready?

I'm cold. Wait, okay.

Okay... ow!

Get it out! You're choking me!

Martin, please stop!

You're trying to k*ll me like that lady in "Misery."

Martin, I-- I told you to sit up, okay.

I can't, babe. I'm uncomfortable.

These sheets hurt.

Can you fluff my pillows, please?

Sure, whatever, fine.

Please? Thank you.

Come on. Okay, hold on.

Ow, I'm sore. Okay, okay, Martin.

Babe, hurry up, it's cold!

Hurry! It's cold, baby!

Hurry up! Come here, Martin, come here.

Okay, thank you.

All right. Thank you. That's better, baby.

Okay, good.

All right, Pam is gonna be here...Un-huh.

...and we have some important work to do, Martin.

But if you need me, I'll be in the other room, okay?

Okay, I'll just ring my bell, okay? Okay.

All right. [bell ringing]

What is it, Martin?

I wanted to see if you could hear it.

[bell ringing]Martin!

No, I'm serious this time.

[bell ringing] Hurry up!Okay!

Could you make me some chicken soup, please?

[coughing] Yes, Martin.

Okay. [bell rings]

Could you chop it in tiny pieces like my mama does?

Yes, Martin.

You want little pieces, I'm gonna give you little pieces.

I don't even know what I'm doing!

Hey, Gina.

I brought the report home so we could finish here.

[chopping continues]

Girl, what are you doing?

I'm trying to make chicken soup.

You know how to cut up a chicken?

Please, that's what I pay the colonel for.

Come on over here so I can show you these notes.

Oh, let me take a look.

[bell ringing]

Oh, no.

Tell me that's not what I think it is.

Please tell me that you have an ice cream truck in the next room.

[Martin] Gina! Gina!

I'll be right there!

Look, Gina, if you want this promotion,

we're gonna have to finish this tonight.

Okay, okay. A messenger will be here in less than an hour.

Right, right, let's see.

[moaning and coughing]

Gina!

Di-- didn't you hear me jingling, baby?

Ding a ling a ling!

Ding a ling a ling a ling a ling!

Please tell me that that's not yours,

'cause that's the ugliest baby I've ever seen.

Hey, you mind your business, Pam.

Martin, what do you need, honey?

Is my chicken soup ready yet?

No, the soup isn't ready, Martin.

I'm still working on it.

Look, why don't you go back into the bedroom

and I'll bring it to you when I'm done, okay?

But I'm lonely in there.

All right, Martin, you can sit here,

but you gotta be quiet.

The clock is ticking, Gina.

I'm here, Pam, I'm here.

[loudly moaning]

Baby, I-- I can barely--

I can barely walk. I got the gout!

Martin, you do not have gout.

I put garlic in your shoes, honey.

Garlic? Yeah, his mother told me to do that, Pam.

Oh, unh... There's your garlic.

[moaning] Oh, give me that garlic, okay.

All right. Get that garlic off--

Okay, ooh, I feel so much better now, baby.

I can feel my fever going down already.

Look, y'all go on about y'all business.

Don't mind me, okay?

[coughing]

Excuse me. [music on television]

Gina, we have got to finish this. Get rid of him.

Eh, Martin, honey... [moaning]

Honey, I love you, baby, come on.

You gotta turn off the television and go back to bed.

God! Yeah, all right. Okay, you right.

Look, I'll just-- I'll just go in the kitchen

make my own soup... [coughing continues]

since you didn't.

Baby, I'm sorry, I'll do it, okay?

I'm gonna do it. You will?

No, no, no, baby, you can't.

We have got to finish this.

Martin, would you make it yourself?

Hey, don't yell at me, all right?

I'm just a sick brother trying to take my mind off the pain.

[moaning]

Martin, are you all right?

I'm cool.

Aww, damn!

Martin, what's wrong?

We're out of orange juice.

Hey, y'all. Yo what's up? What's up?

Now I know we're never gonna get this work done, Gina!

My boys, thank God y'all here.

I need somebody to take care of me.

Martin, just give me minutes and I'll be free, okay?

All I need is minutes, please.

minutes? Gina, we will have him cured in minutes.

Yo, tell 'em, Tommy.

Okay, you see, it's an old family remedy.

Here, first, take your vapor rub

and your rub that all over your body.

Then, you'd take the collared greens, right?

And you wrap yourself up in 'em.

Why'll you're at it, why don't you wrap him up

in some black-eyed peas and cornbread

and make a meal out of him?

[coughing]

Tommy? Hmm?

I'm feeling kind of weak.

Would you rub this on my chest, please?

Hello, no. Can't do that.

Cole?Um, no.

I ain't like that. I'll make you some soup.

You ain't gotta be like that to rub something on somebody's chest, man.

That the problem with us brothers today?

We don't know how to finesse each other

without being, you know...

Finesse?

Gina...

Look, would you rub this on my chest, please?

Look, Martin, we're trying to work here.

Martin, give me five minutes, I promise.

You're right. I probably don't need it anyway.

[coughing] I don't need to breathe.

[coughing and wheezing]

Oh, would you die already?

Give me that. Give it to me.

Give it to me, Martin.

Oh, I don't believe this. Hurry up, Gina.

All right! Com here, come--

Ow, ow! It hurt! Not so rough!

I'm sensitive! Oww!

Look, Gina, they're double charging us on shipping.

What?! Let me see-- Ohh!Right--

I don't believe your just did that.

No! Look what I did--

Martin, look what you made me do to the paper!

I got grease all over it!

Here's a towel. Thank you.

Gina, look what it's doing to the ink?

[knocking on door]

[man] Messenger for pickup!

No, the messenger is here! I can't even read this.

Martin, look what you made me do!

I'll help you read it, Gina. Here's your soup--

[overlapping shouting, knocking on door]

[man] Messenger for pickup!

Damn, my soup!

[coughing] Martin, I have tried.

Lord knows I have tried, Martin,

but I can't do both.

I can't wait on you hand and foot

and do my job too!

Martin, I'm not your superwoman.

I'm not your mother. You got that, Martin?

Martin, don't just lie there. Say something!

[retching]

Aah, damn!

♪♪

[coughing] Excuse me, baby.

Ahem. I thought you could use this.

Oh, thank you. Mmm.

Babe, it's : a.m. in the morning.

You still working on this report?

Mmm, almost done.

Look, girl, I know. I'm sorry.

I know I was bugging earlier.

But that's how I feel when I'm sick, babe. All right?

And look, I don't want you to be my mother.

I want you to be you.

Thank you, baby. Mmm, all right.

You feeling any better? Girl, I feel much better.

Yeah? Since I let it out.

[imitates retching] Had to get it out.

A lot of times that's what happens.

You built up in here and you don't let it out,

then that's what the cause is.

Sure. Now I feel good.

Good.Baby.

Huh? Feel my neck?

Hmm. Mmm, see, feel better, right?

Yeah. Feel my head.

Yes, it feels better. Now go back to the chest.

Go to the chest. Feel the chest.

Mm-hmm.Uh-huh.

Mm-hmm.Ahem.

That look good for you now?

♪♪

[moaning and sobbing]

Martin! Martin!

Martin! Get away from me.

There's just a little-- right, a little spot.

[audience chuckling]

[laughter]

Who pushed him?

[laughing]

Just embarrassed. Just embarrassed.