01x10 - The Night He Came Home

[bunniefuu]

♪ Martin ♪

How y'all been? ♪ Martin

♪ Martin ♪

♪ Martin ♪

Aah!

Aah aah. Eeeww.

Man.

Aah!

[All] aah!

[All] ahh...

Man... This is stupid.

Oh, man.

You may not have liked it,

But that scared me.

Ronald mcdonald scares you.

Ha ha ha ha.

I thought I asked you

Not to tell nobody about that.

Well, I'm finished. What do you think?

What is it, baby?

It's my halloween costume.

I'm getting dressed up for our party.

How nice!

Hey, martin, you dressing up?

Pull my ears?

Well, you know, that's very good, tommy,

But that's the last.

I was going to go as your mother,

But my hair's too long.

Keee!

Tink!

Keee!

Well, I think it would be fun

If you got dressed up.

Uh-huh.

Aah! Ha ha ha.

Aah!

Martin, you scared me.

I almost had a heart attack.

I was playing with you.

You shouldn't scare people like that.

I jumped out and scared moms once, right?

Her bladder dropped.

Just like that, she had to have an operation.

Hey, that's because women scare easier than men,

Coley cole.

What?

Sorry, baby, look. It's a scientific fact.

When you go to a scary movie,

Who's covering their eyes,

Screaming, "can I look now?

Can I look now?"

Women.

That's why they scream just like little girls.

And you know it.

Ha ha!

You mean to tell me men don't get scared?

Only when you miss your period.

Hey, what?

That's enough.

What?

I'm saying, baby, I'm saying

Other than that, we cool. We straight.

Well, I get scared.

The ocean at night terrifies me.

It's all dark, and still you hear

The clang of the buoy in the distance.

And I'm afraid of clowns.

Circus clowns,

You know, with big old floppy shoes

And cheeseburgers in their hands.

Yo, man...

Y'all are a bunch of girls, man.

If martin was afraid of anything,

He wouldn't be living here in this apartment.

That's right.

What you talking about, tommy?

Old man ackerman.

The one who used to chase us with that wooden leg?

He was k*lled in this apartment before you moved in.

What? He lived here?

Man, he lived here and died here.

He never told me that when I rented the place.

I don't know why not.

It's such a great selling point.

Dishwasher, view... Dead man.

Does that bother you?

No, it does not bother me, gina.

The man's dead.

He can't weigh no more than pounds.

What about his ghost?

I'm not scared of no ghost.

He had one leg, cole.

Is he going to hop after me?

Ohh, ohh, ooh.

Look. Old man ackerman's behind tommy.

Aah!

You're all a bunch of punks, man.

Hey, martin, you're on in five minutes.

Sean...i am so proud of you.

That's a very nice halloween costume you've got on, man.

Oh, today's halloween?

Hey, you.

I thought I told you to close the lobby blinds.

Man, I don't want those neighborhood kids

Coming in here, grubbing for candy,

Coughing their chicken-pox germs.

Stan, it's halloween, man.

Man, I hate halloween!

I hate bums begging for food.

You mean kids asking for candy.

No, bums begging for food!

What, are you stupid? I just changed subjects.

You look like an idiot with that flea market costume.

Well, I got to tell you, stan,

Yours is very becoming.

Now, correct me if I'm wrong,

You supposed to be a pimp, right?

I am not wearing a costume, martin.

Oh, then, where can I get one of those?

[Thunder]

Get away from me, cole.

You have any goobers?

No. Go away. You're a goober.

Hey.oh!

You little red devil, you.

Ha ha. Girl...

I want some chocolate kisses later, girl.

O.k., Everybody, it's time.

Lights oooooout!

Hold up, babe. What we doing?

I thought we'd tell some scary stories.

Oh-h*. That sounds like fun.

I'll be looking at television.

Oh, come on, martin.

O.k., But I go first.

Cool it now. There's going to be some scary stuff.

It was a dark...

And stormy...

November.

Bush got re-elected.

Booga! Booga! Booga! Booga! Booga!

You're so stupid!

O.k., I got to set some rules.

Ghost stories, all right?

No clown stories, o.k.?

Tommy, you go first.

O.k.

[British accent] 'twas a dark and moonless night in the bayou.

In a deserted graveyard behind an old church,

An old preacher stood among the tombstones,

And he called out to his people--

"Come now!"

"We must face our evil.

"Our village has been haunted by the walking dead.

"How many of you here

Have seen a ghost in the middle of the night?"

And one by one, all the people started

Raising their hands up into the night air.

And the preacher continued...

"How many of you have touched a ghost?"

And a few people,

With a dead look in their eyes,

Started raising up their hands.

And somewhere...

An owl screeched,

"Aaaahhhh!"

Hey, why you got to be all in my ear?

Shhh!

Mmm!

And the preacher asked,

"How many of you have kissed the lips of a ghost?"

And one man...

Raised his hand up.

His eyes sank into his head,

And his face was half gone,

And his breath stank all that be damned.

Everybody gasped.

And the preacher looked down at the man,

And he asked,

"You actually kissed the lips of a ghost?"

And the man said...

"Ghost?"

"Oh, I thought you said goat."

Ha ha ha ha!

Waah, waah, waaaah!

O.k. O.k. O.k.

It's my turn. It's my turn.

It was a dark and gloomy night.

Why everybody start with dark and gloomy?

Martin, will you be quiet, please?

His was dark and moonless.

This is my story, all right?

It was a dark and gloomy night.

The wind was howling like the banshees.

Babe, what's a banshee?

A spirit that signals death.

No, it isn't. A banshee's like an old banjo.

Cole, why would somebody be scared of a banjo, man?

Remember that movie deliverance?

It was a dark and gloomy night.

The wind was howling like the banshees.

It had been years to the day

That this man had k*lled his wife

By chopping off her head.

Why it got to be directed toward me?

Suddenly...

He heard a dragging footstep coming up the stairs.

It got closer and closer and closer,

Until he heard rapping on his bedroom door.

[Knock knock]

It's her!

Stop it. Shh.

Stop.

That was a good story, gina.

I just bit my tongue.

Aw, man.

Y'all are a bunch of punks.

It's just trick or treaters.

Here, kids. Come get your candy.

Kids?

Who was it?

Nobody.

What you mean nobody?

It's cool. It's just some wind.

Martin, wind does not knock on the door.

Wait a minute.

Maybe it's old man ackerman back from the grave.

Yeah. And you probably just let him in.

Stop it, all right?

Let's try and reach him.

Who?

Old man ackerman. We're having a seance.

Oh, no.

Oh, yes.

Put your hand on the board.

Martin, come on.

No!

Forget you, then.

O.k. Now everybody repeat after me.

"Kandash strata amantos."

[Voice cracks] kandash str-stratum--

Amatos.amatos.

"Nosferatus."

Nosferatus. Nosferatus.

"Kanda mantos kanda."

Kanda mantos kanda. Kanda mantos kanda.

What's she speaking, man--mexican?

Cole, they're occult words.

We shouldn't be messing with this occult.

Oh, tommy's afraid.

Keep your hand on the board.

Wait a minute.

I feel something.

You're trying to get through.

We welcome you. Come back.

Kanda mantos akanda.

Nosferatus.

I'm sorry, babe. She got tourette's syndrome.

Look, look, look. It's spelling something out. Look.

Who are you? Speak to us. Tell us your name.

[Thunder]

Whoa. Y'all feel that?

It just got real cold in here.

I told you about wearing them holey drawers, boy.

Quiet.

Who are you?

And why have you come back?

"A...

"C...

Ac?

He wants us to turn down the air-conditioning.

Shut up, cole!

Who are you, and what have you come for?

"A...c...

E...r...m...a...n."

Ackerman! It's old man ackerman!

I made contact, y'all.

I made contact.

Wait. Ackerman has a "k" in it.

He left out "k."

Tommy, the man's in hell, not in college.

Who are you?

Why have you come back?

"M...

"A...

"A...

"R...

"R...

T..."

Martin!

Aah!

Who threw this?

Nobody. We were all over there.

Then somebody's in the apartment.

Who?

Damn it. It's tyrone from upstairs.

He's on that stuff again.

I'm getting my bat, babe.

Martin--

Just stand back. I'll protect you.

Aah!

It's not tyrone. He's on duty this weekend.

It's old man ackerman.

Why did we start this? Make it stop!

It's too late, gina.

Once the gates open, there's no turning back.

Pam, stop it. You're scaring-- gina.

[Thunder]

What was that?

Let's just get out of here.

I'm with you, brother.

It's locked. How can it be locked from outside?

He's trapped us here until his work is done.

What work, pam? Dead people don't have jobs.

Let's call the police!

Good thinking.

Hurry.

Get up out of here.

What's the matter?

Hello?

It's dead.

We're trapped.

At least we got lights.

Is everybody all right?

Yeah.

Cole, if you don't get your hand off--

[Slap]

I'm sorry. I thought it was the dip.

Well, it's not.

Well, could I have my cr*cker back, then?

Is everybody all right?

Name of the father, son--

Cole!

Pam, you all right?

Yeah. Tommy?

Tommy.

Tommy.

What's the matter with you, man?

Tommy!

Aah!

[Babbling]

Stop it! You're scaring the girls!

Tommy, do you have sinus problems?

He's possessed!

Aah!

All right. That's it. Tommy, knock it off.

I'll have to ask you to leave.

I'm not tommy!

Aah! Aah! Aah!

Martin, please! Reverse the curse! Please!

Reverse the curse!

Uh, "ma-ma-ma-- ma-ma sei-sei makusa

Ma--ma-ma sei--"

[Growling]

Oh, my god! We can't get out!

He's coming for us!

No, he's not. He just want martin. Take him!

Take him! Take him!

Uh...

"Ch-chaka khan...

"Ch-ch-ch-cha-- chaka khan...

"Cha...

Chaka khan..."

No!

No!

No!

[Knocking]

What is that?

What's what?

That!

Martin, what is that knocking?

Gina, I don't know! It ain't opportunity!

Aah!

Martin...

Martin...

Something else in here with us.

And it wants martin.

Baby--

How many spirits did I bring back?

Hey, get off me. Get off me, man!

Hey! Come on! I ain't mar--

Hey! I'm not martin! Help! Help!

Get off! Get off!

Get--

Get off! Get off!

Cole.

Cole!

Cole!

Aah! Aah!

Hey.

Where did everybody go?

Gina!

Pam!

Cole!

Whoopi! Anybody!

I got to get out of here.

Somebody help me! Get me out of here!

Come on!

Martin...

What, man?

Martin...

Aw, man, what do you want!

Martin...

Martin's not in right now,

But leave your name and number.

He'll get back to you. Beep!

I'm comin' for you!

Aw, man!

Can't we all just get along?

Aw, man!

I got to get up out of here.

Aw, somebody help me!

I ain't running no more! I'm a man, understand?

I'm going to handle this. I'll handle this, man.

Ha ha ha.

Haah! Ha ha ha!

Get off me!

Hey, man, what's going on?

Damn!

Yo, man.

Come on. Yo, man.

Look at your eyes, man!

You're messing with drugs, ain't you?

Partner, you got to say no, man, all right?

Aw, tommy, man!

You're supposed to be my boy!

Now you're down with him? Damn!

Please!

Don't k*ll me, please.

Please...

I don't want to die, man.

Whazzup! Whazzup!whazzup!

We got you, darlin'! We got you!

"I ain't afraid of nothing!"

"Brothers don't get scared."

"Y'all are a bunch of punks!"

We got you good! We did!

Oh, man.

So y--

Whoo.

So y'all set me up, huh?

Sean rigged up the effects.

He is brilliant!

Thanks. It's just a little something I hooked up.

Check it out.

Whoo!

All right, sean.

That is beautiful.

You really got me good.

I got something for y'all.

Get out! Out!

Martin!

Trick or treat your a*s out of here.

Let's go!

It was a joke, man!

Then joke out of here.

I said he'd kick us out.

If you knew it, get going.

Can I take some candy?

Out, man!

Save me some kit-kat.

Good night, gina.

Good night, old man ackerman!

Out!

Thinks she's pretty clever.

I love you. You love me?

Yeah, I love you.

You got me good, babe.

I had it coming.

You kind of did.

I'm going to get you, girl.

Huh? Hmm?

Mmm. Mmm. Mmm.

You feel something?

No. But I'm getting ready to.

Oh.

You little red devil, you.

You're gold, girl.

Why don't you turn off the lights, then?

Mmm...

Mmm-mm.

Aah! Aah!