01x03 - Things I Do for Love

[bunniefuu]

I remember

my first practical joke.

It was on my cousin, Ken.

He was outside

playing basketball.


So I figured right,

I'd go to the refrigerator

get a bottle of soda

pour some dish washer

liquid in it

you know, play that joke on him.

I could see him come in the

house, take a sip of that and go


"Hey, Martin. This is not soda.

Good one. Good one."


Sure enough, minutes later,

he comes running into the house.


He went for that soda,

at least he thought it was soda.


"Blah! Yo, man!" I see him

chuckle like a maniac.


He beat me like

he didn't know me.


As he punched and he laughed

and he punched and he laughed.


And he punched

and he laughed.


This is when I realized I had

the gift to make people laugh.


Thank you, Ken.

Thank you.

[theme song]
♪ Martin ♪
♪ Lawrence yeah ♪
♪ How y'all been? ♪
♪ Martin ♪
♪ Martin ♪
♪ Lawrence yeah ♪
♪ He's so crazy ♪
♪ Martin ♪
♪ Martin ♪
♪ Lawrence yeah ♪
♪ How y'all been? ♪
♪ Martin ♪
♪ Martin ♪
♪ Martin Lawrence ♪♪
[instrumental music]

[laughter]

So then you're not

gonna believe

what Pam said.

"Aside from him

borrowing $


it sounded like a pretty good

date, don't you think?"

[mumbling]

I know, Martin. That's exactly

what I thought.

[mumbling]

Martin, I know, but you can't

tell Pam anything.

sh**t, you know?

Baby, what's the weather

going to be like today?

[mumbling]

Well, then where are

my glasses?

[mumbling]

Oh, girl, communication is

the key. Ain't it?

[knock on door]
h*!
I been here.

- Whazzup?

- What up?


What's going on?

Gina.


Uh, remember that new jacket

you just got?


Can I borrow it?

I'm going out tonight.


No! You know why, because always

borrow stuff of mine


you never return it.

Where's my CD player?


I'll get it back to you,

alright. My mom's got it.


She's holding it

till I pay my rent.


Tell your mama give me my CD

player. That's not hers.


- Where you going tonight, Cole?

- I'm going to the Savoy club.


Heard of that place.

That sounds like fun.


I'm telling you. They got

the hotties with the bodies.


- Why don't you guys come?

- We'd love to.


But we're having dinner

with Tommy and Danice tonight.


Yeah, and I already got

my little hottie

with her body, girl.

The Savoy club, that's where

Tommy and Danice met, right?


Isn't it sweet

Tommy's in love?


No. Okay. The girl's

a bad influence.


[sighs]

You've never even met her, Cole.

He's not lying.

I'm telling you

Tommy's lunching.


This girl has

his mind twisted.


The boy just be walking

down the street.


For no reason, eeh,

smiling.


Eeh. Smiling.

I'm telling you.


You think

she's a voodoo priestess?


I do, and I bet you

she smell like a chicken.


You know, you guys can make fun

if you want to.


Tommy's in love.

And I think it's romantic.


Hey. Yo, man.

This ain't about romance.


Don't funk this up

tonight


with that cheap cologne

you be wearing.


Man, don't even worry

about it, alright.


Listen, I'll bring it back

tonight, alright.


Or tomorrow,

if I get lucky. Ha ha!

See you tonight!
[instrumental music]
Mmh.

Ooh, girl, what is smelling

all good up in your house, huh?


Martin, you're late.

Tommy will be here any minute.


- Yeah.

- Where are the flowers?

Ah..

Martin, you can't

remember anything.

Who are you?

Look, knock it off, okay?

You know you forget the flowers.


But you remember every pistons

score since .


I bet you if Isiah Thomas

had asked

you would've remembered.

Well, it depends on what Isiah

was wearing when he asked.


I mean if he looked like you,

and he was going bla-ah


he getting

whatever he want, baby.

[knock on door]

Oh, baby, that's Tommy and them.

Remember what I was telling you?

Watch how he act. Watch, watch!

- Predicting!

- Oh.


- Ticket!

- Hi.


- Hey!

- Good to see you again, man.


Well, this is the woman

I've been telling you about.


Martin and Gina,

this is Danice.

My Danice.

Alright, there Danice.

How you doing?


- Glad to meet you.

- This is a lovely apartment.


Oh, thank you. It would look

better with some flowers.


Oh, Thomas, we should've

brought the flowers


you gave me. He got me

the most beautiful orchids.


- Wild orchids.

- Oh, Thomas.


Hey, look, let me get

your jacket, honey.


- That's a gorgeous dress.

- Thank you.


Yes. Everything looks

great on Danice.


Don't you just love her hair?

She's wearing it a new way.


Although last night

it looked great, too.


You see we went out

to the baseline club.


She had it

all whipped up.


Everybody was

checking her out.


Well then, you and Gina

have something in common.


'Cause everybody checks out

my baby, too, don't they, girl?


Yeah. Just last night, me

and Gina was in the supermarket


and she had her dress

stuck into her pantyhose


and everybody was looking.

That's right.


Everybody was looking

and pointing

going, "Look at the pantyhose."

- Martin.

- I'm just playing with you.


Why don't we just sit down

and have some hors d'oeuvres?


Yeah. Why are we all

up in here?


Let's sit down

and breathe.


Let each other just breathe,

you know.


Let's just get away

for a minute.

Let's just..

- How about some wine?

- Yeah, okay.


Well, then hook it up. Get

four glasses, get some chips.

Hook it up!

Oh, you want me..

Oh, I'll get the wine.

Ooh, this looks delicious.

Lookie here.

Alright.


Here we go.

Put them glasses there.

That down there, baby.
Mmm.

Uh, so-so, D-Danice,

Tommy tells us you're a model.


Thomas. You know I work

in a clothing store.


I know, but, baby,

when you wear those clothes

you look like a model.
Thomas, you're crazy.

Can you believe

how sweet he is?

No!

You are the sweet one,

angel.

Oh, Thomas.
Oohh! Blecchh!

Gina, that dinner

was just wonderful.


For real, baby.

Dee-licious!

That was good.

Thanks. I'm sorry

you guys can't stay longer.

Maybe next time, huh?

Look we're about to go the Savoy

club, you guys wanna come.


Oh, yeah. That spot is live.

We can get wild there.

Martin, you want to go?

No, baby, we can get wild here.

Me and you!


Yeah, well, you don't know

what you'll be missing.


- Thank you very much.

- Gina, thanks for dinner.


Yo, man, don't you think

you got enough kisses?

Martin...peace!
Thomas.

Oh, I'm right

behind you, angel.

Right behind you.

Look!

Oh, my goodness!

Oh! Oh, my!

Did you see how Tommy..

Ooh, excuse me..


Thomas was acting?

Oh, my. Oh, man.


Martin, why couldn't we

go to the club?


Babe, why you want to go

to the club for. Look..


We got to get dressed, go to

the club, and come back here.


Why do that when

we already here. We chillin'.

No. You never rub my neck.

- Oh, you want your neck--

- Yeah.


Babe. I mean she really got

my man's mind.


You know what I'm saying? It

hurts me to see him like that.


Ow, Martin!

You're hurting me.


Oh, I'm sorry, baby.

I forgot you were there.


I mean, you know, I'm saying,

he's just all so, "Ohh!"


"No! You are the sweet one."

I mean, it's just--


Martin, stop it.

He really likes her.


Well, if he really likes her,

why's he taking her to the club?


I never understood why a brother

takes their lady to a club.


That's like going out

for hot dogs

when you got steakums at home.

You know,

you used to do it. It's fun.


It's exciting.

It's romantic.


I'm romantic.

You know that.


'Cause don't we

get busy every day?


I'm not talking

about that, Martin.


You know, we never do anything

exciting, like go out.


Oh, okay,

so that's it.


You want me to be

like Romeo. Come on.


Babe, you know that ain't me.

I got my own thing.


I just thought

that it would be fun


to do something different,

like go out

like Tommy and Danice.

You want to go to...

maybe the hip-hop club


or the rock-your-butt club?

You wanna do that?


No, no. Let's go

to your favorite, baby.

The price club.

- You forgot one, Martin.

- Oh, yeah?


Yeah. The man-who-sleeps-

all-by-himself club.


Well, you just make sure

I get in free.

[instrumental music]
[instrumental music]

You know, romance doesn't

make sense to me though.


Think about it, it was started

by this little white boy cupid


who came flying

out of the closet


with an arrow

and no drawers on


sh**ting people

in the a*s.


Because of this

lil' white m*dget, I got to


buy flowers and candy,

and take my girl out dancing.


It don't make sense. I don't

know. Talk to me, Detroit.

What up?

(male #)

'Hey, Martin, um, um,

what's the difference'


'between cupid and

the New Year's Eve baby?'


[chuckles]

Shut up. Next caller. What up?


(female #)

'Martin, I think you're afraid.'


'I mean, it takes a real strong

man to show his soft side.'


[laughs]

Alright. Well,

kiss my soft side. Next caller.


- What up?

- 'Martin.'


(female #)

'I don't think your problem

is romance.'


'It sounds to me like

you're not really in love.'


Hey, hey, hey.

Don't talk like that.


I'm in love.

I love my baby.


'Well, do you compliment her,

do you bring her flowers'

'do you take her out?'

Hey, hey, hey! No, no.

This is my show.


I ask the questions here.

Alright! Do your feet stink?


I'm sure they do.

Next caller. What up?


(female #)

'You know, Martin,

if you really love your girl'


'what's the big deal

to do something special'

'for her once in a while?'
'I had a man just like you'

'and I kept asking him

for a little romance.'


'Took me a while,

but I finally got it'

'from someone else.'

Girl, please, he probably didn't

like you anyway.


So, I got to move on

to a commercial.


Boom, today's sponsor is

shiny tiny's barbecue.


Their motto is "You need

no teeth to eat my beef."


♪ Come down to Shiny Tiny's

don't leave grandma at home ♪


♪ meat's so soft and tender

she can suck it♪


♪ Off the bone

Shiny Tiny's barbecue ♪♪

My baby ain't goin' nowhere

'cause she know her man knows

how to romance.

That's right.
Babe, yo, look here.

I was wondering

what you were doing tonight.


Uh, how about me and you

go to the Savoy club


and get our dance thing and

romance thing on tonight, girl?

It's me. Martin.
[instrumental music]

Oh, Martin, I'm so excited! I

can't believe we're really here.


They gonna be sorry

they made me wait in line.


They know, they know me

up in here.


Listen, have my car

out front by :.

It's the red Porsche.
The red one.

Yo, man,

if you wasn't black


I'd think

you was r*cist.


Why a black man

got to be a valet?

It's okay, baby. It's okay.

That's alright.

We got us a Porsche now.


We just got to leave

at :.


Look at you

lookin' all good.

Let's do our romance.
Ohh! Whoa! Whoa!

Babe, where's

the rest of your dress?


Martin, stop it.

You used to love this dress.


Yeah, babe, that's when

I was tryin' to find out


what's under it.

Now I know.


Do everybody else

got to know?


- Martin!

- Alright, alright. Cool.


I was just saying,

they're all over my baby.

You know what I'm saying. Cool.

You have a problem, fellas?

Got a problem?


Okay, better keep your eyes

on your drinks.


Don't start nothing,

there won't be nothing.


- You're crazy.

- You know, crazy for my baby.


Looking all good.

Yes, it is.


This is fun though.

This is nice.


What's up, now?

Hey, I'm chillin'.


Whoo! Girl,

I'm glad we got out.


I mean, you know

I'm romantic, don't you?

Am I romantic?

Hey, Martin, what's up?

Gina, what's up, girl?


What's going on?

What you two doing here?


We were trying to do

the romance thing, Cole


me and my baby.

You know?


Yeah, man, I'm with that.

You know, what I'm saying?


I'm with that.

This is a very romantic place.


- Very romantic.

- Yeah.


Hey, you see those girls

over there?


'Can't keep their eyes of me,

you know?'


Now, see, Gina,

you're a woman, right?

Now, help me out.
Should I buy them a drink

or just be direct

and grab their butts?


You're trying to

be romantic, Cole?


- Uh-huh.

- Grab their butts.

Yup. Real hard.

That's what I thought.

Yo, check you out.

Rock it!

Girl, now,

back to my baby.


So, anyway,

I'm thinking--


Yeah, is there anybody

sitting here?


Yeah, partner, you know we just,

you know, me and my lady


just out for an evening

on the romance thing.


So, anyway,

I really wanted to know--


Uh, yeah, but there's no place

else to sit.

You mind if I join y'all?

Partner, I don't mean

no disrespect, man

I really don't, you know.

But I'm trying to chill here,

alright, with my lady


and do our romance thing.

You should understand that.

Excuse me.

Well, can I leave my drink here

so I can dance?


Yo partner,

put the drink down, man.


Martin,

can I have a drink?

Pick one, baby!

- Martin!

- I'm sorry, babe.


We here to do

the romance thing, alright.


You can have anything you want,

you hear me.


Look at you.

Looking all good girl.


I'm scared to leave you.

You know that, right?

You gold, girl!
Bye.
Yo.
♪ Uh-uh ♪
♪ Uh-uh-uh ♪
♪ Uh-uh ♪
♪ Jerome's in the house ♪

♪ I said Jerome's

in the h-h-house ♪♪


Yeah, I'm in the house.

What up, man? Where's my dollar?


Give me my money or else

all hell will break loose.


You know what I'm saying?

You know I don't play.

What's up, glitter-butt?

What's your problem?

You can't call nobody?


Girl, my probation thing's

going to be alright.


You just lost the best thing

that ever happened to you...


Cause I'm moving down

the yellow brick road

to my destiny of love!
Yeah.
Mm-hmm.
Excuse me.

Haven't we met here

somewhere before?


- No.

- The name is Jerome.

But you can call me J.J.

because everything

is dy-no-mite!


You hear?

Wait a minute.


Something just

click, click, click.

There it is.
I know your name.
Your name must be candy

because

you look so sweet.


Give me a bite

of that candy.


Wait. Hold now. My boyfriend is

right over there, okay.


And I don't think he would

appreciate you coming on to me


with those tired, weak,

superfly lines. Thank you.


You talking about the little

big-headed guy over there?

Let me tell you something.

If you want to get

with a winner


you got to drop

that chicken dinner

you hear?

You got to rid of

your friend, though


if you want to ride

in the Benz-o.


Now what you

got to say?


Give it to me.

Give it to me, now.


- You're a rhyming man, huh?

- Ah!


- Yeah. You're a poet.

- And you know it.


- Well, I got one for you.

- Give it to me.


If you don't like mace,

get out of my face.

I didn't like you anyway.

I was just trying

to help you out.

Oh, stop the press!
This has got to be jelly

because jam don't

shake like that, do it?

Come here, girl!

Yo, babe, was that brother

bothering you?


No, Martin, I handled it.

It's okay.


- You sure?

- Mm.


'Cause you know your man

will take care of it.

I know, baby.
[gasps]

- Uh-uh. See? That's it.

- No, no, no.


- No, baby.

- Martin!


The boy didn't say

excuse me.


Please, please, Martin.

Please don't, please? Please?


But you know,

back in my day--


- I know.

- Alright, okay.


Alright, okay.

Alright, alright. Fine.


We-we, look..

What are we trippin' on?


We here to do

the romance thing.


Let's go, girl,

let's get our dance on.


- Okay.

- Yeah. Let's-let's do it.


Come on out here.

Alright. Excuse me.


Excuse me there. Alright.

Excuse me.


Let me and my lady

through here.

Yo, babe! Babe!

- Martin!

- Gina!


- Martin! Mart!

- Gina!

I'm over here!

- Martin!

- Gina!

Hey! Excuse me.

- Martin, come here, please.

- 'Alright, excuse me.'


- Come here.

- What? Babe.

I'm trying to be romantic.
Baby, thank you for trying.

You know what, you proved it.

You are romantic.


- Am I?

- Yes. You are romantic.


'Cause you know, your man'd even

do the Cabbage Patch for you.


No, don't! Don't do

the Cabbage Patch! Don't!

Martin, Martin! Martin!

Oh! I love you for trying.

Thank you.

Come on. Let's get out of here!
I thought you'd never ask, girl.
Whoo! Alright! Ah!

- Yo.

- Hey, hey, how you doing, man?


Yo. Oh, here's your jacket.

Thanks. It worked like a charm.


Tommy, where you

been hiding at, man?

Tommy, where's Danice?
Didn't work out.

I guess I didn't know her

as well as I thought I did.

[instrumental music]

Oh, babe, see this is why

I don't like letting

nobody borrow my stuff.. Look.

This jacket got Cole's

whole evening over it, babe.


This is where a girl must have

thrown a drink in his face.


Look, right here,

look, look at that..


You know some brother

snatched him all up on the neck

for talking to his girl.
Yo, what are these holes?

Ooh, it looks like somebody

tried to stab him with a fork.


Babe, you should've never

told Cole


to grab

that girl's butt.


Forget about Cole.

What about poor Tommy?

Oh, oh, he went out!

Oh, I'm hurting

for him, babe.


- He was in love.

- That was not love, Martin.


- That was lust.

- Damn.


You say that

like it's bad.


I lust for you

sometimes.


Yeah, but, you know,

it's not enough.


If there's

no love behind it then


you end up all alone

like Tommy.


Well, I guess what we got

is special, huh?


It's what everybody

in that club was looking for.

[mumbling]

Martin, when you're right,

you're right.

[mumbling]
Ooh, you are so nasty.

I love it

when you talk sexy. Ooh.

[laughing]
[theme music]