[intro music]
[keyboard typing]
[electronic music]
[paint splats]
Hey, sluts.
Welcome to Crime Queens.
The documentary series
with looks, lust,
and h*m*-cidal realness.
I'm your host, Tranna Wintour.
And to kick off the season,
I'll be serving narcissistic
personality disorder
with a side
of multiple stab wounds.
Have you ever been so
in love, you'd k*ll for it.
That's what our mother
monster likes to call
a rah-rah ah-ah-ah
roma-ro-ma-ma gaga-ooh-la-la.
Bad Romance.
Meet cancelled l*sbian
influencers, Thistle and Blaire.
Once LGBT royalty,
these gays crashed and burned
when a leaked livestream
led to a very humiliating
public cancellation.
Tonight we bring you
the shocking
and exclusive footage of
a doomed redemption documentary.
So hold onto your t*ts because
for the first time ever,
we're about to witness
how these sapphic swindlers
tried to literally slay
the damn house down.
So, without further ado.
[snaps fingers]
[suspenseful music]
[indistinct]
Hi, this is Nicole
recording my reaction video
to seeing Thistle and Blaire's
house for the first time
like they asked me to.
Not used to appearing on cam--
Oh, just a moment.
[phone vibrating]
f*ck.
[car starts]
[light intense music]
Oh, I think this might be it.
Yeah, this is a really
nice place.
I don't think I was expecting
something so rustic,
but I guess it kind of fits
their whole aesthetic.
All right, let's get
some establishing shots,
and then we can go meet them.
[light suspenseful music]
[birds chirping]
[footsteps treading]
[Nicole] Oh, is that Thistle?
[footsteps treading]
[Nicole] What is she--
[suspenseful music]
[Nicole] Okay.
[Thistle] Higher, higher.
[Thistle laughing]
-[Nicole] Hi.
-[Thistle] Go, go, go!
-[Nicole] Hi!
-Oh, oh, it's Nicole.
Nicole's here.
I'm Thistle.
-This is my baby, Blaire.
-First introduction.
[Nicole] So nice to meet you,
finally.
Yes.
Oh my gosh,
how far along are you?
[Nicole]
Eight and a half months.
Wow.
[Nicole]
This place is really isolated.
Do you not get cell signal, or?
Oh, actually, that light
was good where it was.
What?
Oh, I'm so sorry.
Are you streaming?
No, no, I'm just getting
some behind the scenes
-footage here.
-[Nicole] Oh, perfect.
-Lemme take your bag.
-Oh, sure.
Yes.
Ah!
[Blaire kiss smacks]
[Nicole] So both cameras
are rolling.
So we just need to mic you guys.
So, Blaire,
this is gonna be your mic.
So if you wanna take the mic,
just bring it under your
shirt, clip it on your bra,
and then this, you could
just put in your pocket.
And Thistle, I'm just gonna
ask you to do the same.
So just bring the mic, clip it.
So here you go.
Or Blaire can do it.
-Blaire, if you wanna.
-Huh?
Would you like me to?
Okay, so I'm just gonna,
I'm gonna unzip.
Is that okay?
Can I un--
Okay.
So I can't really see
what I'm doing.
I'm just, I just need to--
Oh my God, your skin
is like really soft.
Oh, okay.
This is just like a nice moment.
I feel like--
-Cuddle puddle!
-Maybe?
Okay.
So you're, you're both mic'd.
And we can start sh**ting
the interview.
Perfect.
[Nicole] Blaire,
can you zip her up.
Thank you.
Okay, just be care-- Ow!
So if you wanna just introduce
yourself to the camera.
Maybe explain a little bit why
you're doing the documentary,
and you can just be casual
about it.
You know, talk to the camera
like you're talking to a friend.
Okay, cool.
-I'm Thistle.
-And I'm Blaire.
And together we are--
[Both] Thistle and Blaire.
[Blaire kiss smacks]
We are lifestyle
influencers, entrepreneurs,
and overall boss babes.
[Blaire chuckles]
We are so excited to be
making this documentary
to show you what it's like
in our lives.
It's pretty crazy in here.
-It is.
-It gets pretty crazy in here.
-It gets pretty crazy.
--For sure.
As some of you may know,
we recently experienced
a sort of, just a little--
-Boop.
-Hiccup.
Yeah.
Something was said
on our live feed,
and we chose to take
the high road.
-Turn it off right now.
-Sorry, sorry.
And apologize for that thing
that was said accidentally.
As these things go, some people
did not accept that apology.
But we ultimately feel honoured
to be attacked by our community.
-Attacked.
-Because, or called in.
-Called in.
-Called in to the community,
because it means that we become
better content creators for you.
Because ultimately
we love you guys.
We do, we love our community.
We would do anything for you.
And we have a little surprise.
I don't know
if you wanna tell them, babe.
Ohh!
Okay, so we've been growing
as people,
but we're also growing
in another way.
Thistle's gonna be growing.
There's a little something
in there.
-[Thistle laughs]
-Little something in there.
What is it?
-It's a baby!
-What is it?
-It's a baby.
-It's a baby.
That's what this
rebrand is really about.
You know,
we're coming away from,
you know, the cancellation.
We wanna show you what it's
like to be q*eer moms, you know?
And we want you to be there
with us
on this incredible journey
together.
And we hope that no matter
where you are in your life,
if you're struggling,
or even if you're doing
literally amazing,
that you can connect with
something that we have to say,
and we have so much to say.
[light music]
-Careful, careful, babe.
-Yeah, I got it.
-[Thistle] I'm good.
-[Blaire] Okay.
-[Blaire] You okay?
-[Thistle] Yeah, I'm good.
[light music]
I don't like it.
Cheers.
To a lovely day with my love
and our new friend,
Nikki Nicole,
for making
this incredible documentary.
-[Nicole] Cheers. [laughs]
-We love ya.
[Nicole] Great, well, I think
we have, I think we have enough.
Okay, are you sure you got
enough of just like this angle?
[Nicole]
Yeah, is there anything specific
that you wanted in addition
to what we got, or?
Can you get of me just
grabbing the basket?
[Nicole] Yep, sure.
[Thistle] And we can
just sort of rock it.
Okay, perfect.
[Nicole] Okay, cool,
we got that.
-Babe?
-Yeah.
I have a little surprise
for you.
And I brought--
-What is it?
-Wanna see it?
Okay, go into the basket.
Okay, just dig around.
-[Thistle] What is this?
-[Blaire] What's there?
-Honey, what is this?
-You know what that is.
-What is this?
-Know what that is.
Thistle, my baby, my bird--
Stop.
-My twig.
-Stop.
What is this?
-Will you--
-[Thistle] B, oh my God!
Stop it!
I can't stop it.
I will not stop it.
-Oh my God, yes!
-Yes?
-Yes.
-Yeah, she said yes!
-Yes.
-She said yes!
Oh my God!
I'm sorry, I can't.
[Thistle sobbing]
-You okay?
[Thistle] I'm shaking, baby.
Oh, it's okay, it's okay.
I'm so excited.
I love my life
I love my life
I love my life
-Another surprise!
-Oh my God!
-Champaign!
-I love champaign!
Yes!
[bottle pops]
There we go!
Yes!
-Oh my God.
-To our life together.
This is my favourite.
-I love you.
-I love you too.
Babe, It's a really good,
try it.
Oh, I'm good,
but thank you so much.
Have a little sip.
[Nicole] Enjoy the moment,
I'm not even here.
It's really, it's not too sweet.
-I'm not even here.
-No, it's not, it's dry.
-Should we go home?
-Yeah, let's pack up.
We better go home.
Maybe not be mean.
[both laughing]
Ow.
[Nicole] Congratulations,
you guys.
That was a really beautiful
engagement.
Oh my God, thanks, babe.
-We've been married for years.
-Oh?
Yeah, we just wanted
to keep it quiet.
But now that we just decided
it was the right time
for some engagement content.
We got married years ago
in Ohio.
[Nicole] That sounds lovely.
Recently on our live feed.
some things were said
to the trans community
who like we love, obviously.
Not a lot of people know this
about me,
but for several years I have.
struggled with.
eczema.
Eczema.
And so I wanna say
to you that.
we all have our struggles.
And I am.
so, so sorry.
My grandfather used to tell me,
it's all fun in games
until someone loses an eye.
Thank you for understanding,
and listening,
and helping us grow as
people and as role models.
Blaire, do not read anything
below this line out loud.
I'm counting on you to stay
on script
and keep Thistle in line.
Stop, shh.
-We don't read that part.
-This needs to sound natural.
No one can know that I wrote
these statements for you.
Best of luck,
Susie P. Perkins, Goliath.
publicity and PR LLC.
[light suspenseful music]
Yeah, so this is it.
This is all ours.
Those are our rocks up there,
which I'm super happy about.
'Cause if I wanna, if
I wanna destroy 'em, my can.
If I wanna climb on 'em, I can.
Just have these out here
'cause we gotta do
a lot of our own gardening
and maintenance.
Snip some stuff.
[Nicole] It's really beautiful.
Oh, this is our well.
We had to put these rocks on top
because our little
kitty Simplin,
we were worried about him
falling in.
-[Nicole] Oh, you have a cat?
-Yeah.
[Nicole]
I didn't see him around.
Oh, he is my best friend.
Where is he?
Simpy!
Give this a snip-a-roo
just right there.
-You garden?
-[Nicole] Little.
Just down.
It's pretty big, the property.
It's like, it's essentially,
it's just a strip.
Usually people have like
a square or a clump,
but it's a strip.
It's like, I think an acre,
maybe an acre wide, max.
And then going back up, this
way it's like 2,100 acres back.
[Nicole] 2,100 acres?
Yeah, yeah, yeah,
and there and there's
more rock back there.
Hold on, check this out.
Oh, that could use a snip.
I'm just gonna take care
of this right now, okay?
That's one.
Oh, maybe not,
maybe not here right now.
It looks like Thistle's
doing something with burlap.
Oh, I got this from my
cousin recently, very cool.
Gonna put our little guy
in there, right?
Pretty soon, six, nine,
10 months.
How long does it take?
[Nicole] Nine months.
Nine months, nine months,
little kiddo right in there.
Show you
where the bathtubs happen.
This is from Thistle's ovulation
strategy.
Like the, you know, the crafts.
Oh, and this is my favourite
picture of Thistle.
It's just like, you know?
And I like that it's here
because if I'm sitting
over here, you know,
I can just look at her.
And it's just a reminder
that she's always watching.
She's always got an eye on me.
You know?
Because we have cameras
in here too.
[Nicole] Cameras in here.
Yeah, cameras everywhere,
all around the property.
Nobody gets in.
Nobody gets out
without us knowing.
-[Nicole] Why?
-Just to keep everybody safe.
[Nicole]
Why wouldn't they be safe?
I don't know,
if something happened,
if somebody came in here
or whatever.
You can take a bath
whenever you want also.
Anyway, that's the bathroom.
[suspenseful music]
This is my corner.
Got some lights set up here
'cause I sh**t all my fitness
content here for the brand.
Grab these guys.
Might as well just stand here
until the,
you know, the feelings kinda
even out.
This is Arnold.
Say hi to Arnold.
Hi!
[Nicole] Hi, Arnold.
Someone's coming at you directly
like this, coming at you.
Reaching out for your face
or neck with their hands.
Through the middle.
Can jump over the legs.
Throw 'em on the ground, right?
And then land on his head.
This is where I blow off steam,
so.
[Nicole] Do you have
a lot of steam to blow off?
Yeah.
[suspenseful music]
Careful on the stairs.
So, yeah,
this used to be storage.
So this is where I come,
and I just kind of play around,
mess around, express myself.
-[Nicole] Those are beautiful.
-Thank you.
This is really cool
'cause this stuff actually
looks like it's abstract, right?
You would think
I do abstract stuff.
[Nicole] Yeah.
Okay, but what I do
is actually figurative,
because it's a figurative
rendering
of an abstract painting.
[Nicole] Why don't you have
any of these hanging upstairs?
Oh, they're not really,
they're not really
Thistle's aesthetic.
Yeah, too colourful.
But I am working on this
right here.
This is the biggest painting
I've ever done.
And it's a surprise.
And I'm gonna give it to Thistle
at our wedding as my vows.
[Nicole] Wow.
You can say hi to this guy
over here.
This is Antonio.
-[Nicole] Hi, Antonio.
-He's very happy to meet you.
I tell him about my troubles
sometimes down here.
This is, I tried to make
a tiny painting,
and it looks terrible.
It's awful.
It's a terrible idea.
So I just--
[Nicole] No, it's beautiful.
[serene music]
-You like this?
-[Nicole] Yeah, I love it.
Do you want this?
[Nicole] I can't accept it.
Well, I hate it.
You can have it if you want it.
[Nicole] Are you sure?
Yeah, take it.
Come on.
[Nicole chuckles]
Here, gimme your hand.
Gimme your hand.
I'm gonna roll it out.
Gimme your hand.
Boop, there you go, all yours.
-Okay?
-[alarm blaring]
[Audio on speaker]
Incoming message from Thistle.
Dinner is ready.
Come and get it.
[Blaire] Oh my God.
Okay, that's dinner.
I will not ever get used
to that. Let's go.
She's gonna start playing
Kelly Clarkson
if we don't hurry.
I'm like, honestly so
happy you're getting this.
It's just like, it's just us,
you know,
at home doing like
normal things.
Can you cut the rest
of the dishes?
-Yeah, yeah.
-Okay, can I talk to you?
-[Nicole] Sure.
-[Thistle] Yeah.
Is this one on?
-[Nicole] I can turn it on.
-[Thistle] Yeah, please.
[Nicole] Okay.
-So Nicole.
-[Nicole] Yeah.
I really think you should
stay the night tonight.
Oh, that's really kind,
but I mean, I have
all my stuff back home.
I don't have a toothbrush.
I'm really fussy about
my things, so.
Hmm, yeah.
I really, really think you
should stay here with us.
[Nicole] That's very kind,
but I think I'll be fine.
I'm used to driving.
But we were gonna do
sort of like a talent show
out by the fire.
[Nicole laughs]
It's like the perfect night
for it.
I really think you should stay.
I think you'll really
regret it if you leave.
-I mean, I'll be back.
-Okay.
You know, I was thinking
if you wanna stay,
we'd be happy to pay you
for the whole time you're here,
even while you're sleeping.
That's very generous.
I really appreciate it,
but next time, maybe.
Okay.
This is a really good one.
My aunt used to always do this
one for me when I was a kid.
This is for Sheila.
[cards tapping]
[Thistle] May she rest in peace.
Split the deck and put
the other side there.
B, can you come over here
for a sec?
The lovely Nicole has chosen
a card.
Okay.
She's gonna show you
and only you.
Okay, look at it.
-[Nicole] Okay.
-Memorize it.
[Thistle] Don't show me.
Put it back in the deck.
[Nicole] Here?
-[Thistle] Write down the card.
[Thistle] I'll close my eyes.
All right, thank you.
Burn, burn.
And now, can you gimme your arm?
Sometimes just the power
of thought is enough.
to make things appear.
So it looks to me like
a heart is emerging.
This looks like a stick.
Was your card the three
of swords?
-[Blaire] No!
-Yeah?
[Blaire yelling]
How'd you do that.
Well, I can't tell you,
obviously.
That's insane.
Oh, I got a headache.
Instantly got a headache.
Oh, she's crying.
She's really scared of magic.
It's okay.
Oh, that's how cozy we are.
Oh, we want you to stay.
[Nicole] I'm having so much fun,
but I think I just,
I really need to go back.
Okay, well, how about this?
We already said that
we would pay you
for every hour you're here,
even while you're sleeping.
We'll pay you double.
[Nicole] For every hour?
Yeah.
[Nicole] That's almost 5,000.
Yeah, it is.
I could stay one night.
-Really?
-Yeah.
Oh my God!
If we're doing a talent show,
can I use that harp?
That, that's a harp?
You coming?
Come on.
[hypnotic music]
[Thistle] Going to the campfire.
Ashy, burny.
[Blaire] We're just shadows now.
[Thistle] Oh, you can't see me
though.
[Blaire] Spooky!
[upbeat dramatic music]
Yeah!
[upbeat dramatic music]
Oh my God.
-It's our song!
-Oh, it's our song!
It's our song!
Your song and my song.
[Blaire and Thistle whispering]
[mellow music]
[saw rumbling]
We just got spooked for a sec.
We have these really
h*m* neighbours.
They're super scary.
False alarm.
[Nicole] Oh.
-It's okay.
-Okay.
-Okay?
-Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
-Talent show time.
-Okay.
-Let's go.
-Alright.
Okay, so my talent's
storytelling.
Pretty good storyteller, yeah?
Okay, you'll see.
So this one time,
a few years ago,
I played this big pickup
basketball game with my friends.
And this one friend of mine,
his name is Claire,
had a big cast on her leg,
but she still came out
to play the game.
And she actually shot
the winning basket.
So we wanted to go out
and celebrate.
So we went out to this bar,
and we started telling
everybody what happened.
And people started
getting excited.
So everybody's coming
around and signing her cast
and like, lifting her up
in the air.
These guys were walking around
with her on their shoulders.
It was crazy.
Everybody was buying us drinks.
It was nuts.
So we're having so much fun,
and then this really, really
big guy comes up to us,
and he says, "Oh, can I get a
little, a little bit of that?"
Okay, so we thought he meant,
can I sign the cast,
or can I buy you a drink?
So we're like, "Yeah, sure."
And he goes over to Claire,
and he grabs her a*s.
And Claire gives him
a little push.
And he comes back at her.
He tries to hit her.
So then next thing you know,
everybody's storming the guy.
All these women
are storming this guy.
He's pushed to the ground.
They're all kicking him.
I didn't, I was not personally
involved with this,
but at some point Claire
landed on top of the guy.
She's straddling him.
She's pounding his face.
And I'm just like watching
from super far away
'cause I'm scared.
But she's just pounding
his face,
and it's clear
that his face is like,
it's like spaghetti now, right?
But she like, can't stop.
Something happened to her.
She's too amped,
too amped that day.
And she's pounding
and pounding his face.
He's definitely gone.
He's definitely tomato
paste at this point.
But she can't stop.
She just loses her mind.
And then he died.
[fire crackling]
[clapping] Yay,
such a good story, babe.
Love it.
[Blaire] Weird choice maybe.
Really good.
Now I need some wine, and I
need to hear Nicole's talent.
[harp playing]
[harp playing]
[glass shatters]
-Oh my God!
-Are you okay?
No, no, no, no,
did you squeeze it? Lemme see.
[Thistle] I actually really cut
myself, baby.
[Blaire] I know you did.
[Thistle] No, no,
don't touch it.
Don't touch it, don't touch it.
[Blaire] Okay, okay,
I won't touch it.
Just lemme see, lemme see.
[Thistle groans]
[Blaire] I think
it's really bleeding. Okay.
So lemme look at it.
[Thistle] No, honey, get off!
[Blaire] Hold on.
[Thistle] I'm gonna faint,
I'm gonna faint.
[Blaire] Okay.
[Thistle] Honey,
I really think I cut myself.
-[Thistle] Oh my God.
-[Blaire] I know you did.
[Blaire]
Yeah, you really cut yourself.
[Thistle] Okay.
[suspenseful music]
[Thistle sighs]
Are you rolling?
Hey.
[Nicole] Hey.
So I just brought
you some soft slippies.
[Nicole] Oh, thank you so much.
And just a night gown here
for you.
[Nicole] Amazing, thank you.
[Blaire] I wanna, I don't know
if you need to do the
like milk yourself thing,
but we have one of these.
-[Nicole] Oh, oh.
-Boop, boop. Just a--
[Nicole] I'm good,
but thank you. Cool.
Sorry to put you in the nursery.
It's all we have right now.
We're kinda doing
some renovations.
[Nicole] Oh, that's okay.
I mean, it's not
the most private--
Oh yeah, we had to blow
that wall out,
but it's better this
way with the curtains.
It looks nasty.
Yeah, I mean, it's gonna be
totally private.
No one's gonna be peeking.
No, no.
No one's gonna tiptoe up on you
while you're sleeping.
I brought you some
amazing cream.
I love this stuff.
It has almond oil, jojoba oil.
Actually, may I?
[Nicole] May you what, sorry?
Just get in there.
Oh, beautiful!
[Thistle sighs]
Baby.
It's okay, I don't trust you.
It's gonna be a little bit
cold, so just, shh, get ready.
Wow, hun.
Yeah, I know.
Is there a baby in there?
I think there might be.
Wow, you're dry.
You're really dry.
[Blaire] Get that sorted out.
Yeah, we'll get that sorted
for you.
Perfect.
Oops, sorry, hun. Scratched ya.
It's okay, you don't have to.
It's fine.
You have to get it
all around the belly.
-It's fine, it's fine.
-[Blaire] Yeah.
All right, well,
hope you sleep well.
We'll be right outside,
not outside the door.
-[Nicole] Oh, okay.
-Right there.
We're listening,
so if you want us--
-[Nicole] Okay, great.
-And any sound, we'll hear it.
-Okay?
-[Thistle] Okay, love ya!
[Nicole] Okay, bye!
-[Thistle] Sleep well.
-Don't be scared of the dark.
[Thistle] Yeah,
we'll be right here.
[Nicole exhales]
[suspenseful music]
[Nicole panting]
[suspenseful music]
[floor creaking]
[Thistle] Nicole!
Where are you going?
[Nicole] I was having
some contractions,
and I wanted to drive to go
see a doctor.
[Thistle]
You're having some contractions?
I think so, yeah.
[Thistle]
Okay, well, Blaire's a doula.
Do you wanna maybe--
Oh, no, no, it's okay.
[Thistle] So you wanna rest?
-Uh.
-Blaire!
[Blaire] Huh?
It's okay, we'll just
get Blaire out here.
It's fine, she's a doula.
You're a doula, right, honey?
-I'm--
-Nicole's having some pain.
-I took a virtual doula course.
No, it's okay, it's okay.
No, she's a registered doula.
I'm a virtual doula.
I can, if you wanna squat
or whatever,
I can look at your stuff.
-[Nicole] No.
Okay, so you just wanna rest?
-[Nicole] Yeah.
-I think that's best.
I don't want you driving.
I don't want you going anywhere
tonight.
Let's just check in in the
morning and see how it goes.
-You don't need me?
-[Thistle] Blaire, go to bed.
It's gonna be okay.
Back in the bed.
Cozy, cozy, cozy.
[birds chirping]
[bubbly intense music]
[Thistle groaning]
Help.
[Thistle groaning]
Thank God, you're awake.
[Nicole] Is everything okay?
Nicole, I'm sobbing.
Oh, what's wrong?
The cat is dead.
Oh.
[Thistle] I found him
in the garden this morning.
That's horrible. I'm so sorry.
I have a dead cat
in my hands in a tote bag.
Like, can we just focus on
what's really important here?
Like, Blaire is in a fit
right now.
She won't even like,
touch her basketball net.
We need to go do a funeral.
We need to lay him to rest.
Are you okay?
How's your bell-bell?
[Nicole] I mean,
I'm feeling a little bit better.
I still think I should--
Okay, perfect, awesome.
Well then let's go.
[Nicole] I still think that
we should go to the doctor
like we said yesterday
'cause I'm just a little bit
worried about
the contractions, but--
So you're in pain?
[Nicole] I'm feeling
a little bit better.
I'm just a bit worried.
Well, I'm in pain,
and Blaire's in pain.
And even though
this is a very sad moment,
I actually think that
this would be
amazing for the documentary.
So I think we should go down
to the water,
and I think we need to sh**t
a little memorial service
for our gorgeous boy.
Do you think we can do that now?
Okay, perfect.
Follow me.
[curtain crinkles]
Blaire, if you could prepare
the funeral pyre
for our beloved cat Simplin.
I'm gonna say a few words.
As the late Sylvia Plath
once said.
"Death can be so sad.
So, so sad.
One minute you're alive.
and the next you aren't even.
We love you, Simplin.
Babe, do you wanna say
a few words?
Yeah.
I don't know
what I'm gonna do now.
That's a big piece that's gone.
So this was my animal,
and I guess
I'm just grateful for that.
Okay, let's light it.
[lighter fluid squirting]
[Blaire] Okay.
Goodbye, Simplin.
Goodbye.
I think the fluid's gone bad.
What?
This?
[Blaire] Yeah,
if it's not lighting,
the fluid must have gone bad.
This is lighter fluid.
It doesn't go bad.
Over time, if it's around
for a while, it goes bad.
Just like--
-No, it's fine.
-Eggs, or people, or--
This is--
Okay, maybe not,
maybe not, maybe not that.
It should be lighting.
It's not lighting
because it went bad.
-What are talking--
-I think is what happened.
What are you talking about?
It's lighter fluid.
-It doesn't go bad.
-Okay, it's not.
-You're gonna get it on me.
-You want me to get it on you?
No, I don't want you
to get it on me.
Well, if it's bad,
then it doesn't matter
if I get it on you.
-It's like standard safety--
-Does it?
-Doesn't matter.
-Rules to follow.
It's lighter fluid.
Please don't put it
on me, Thistle, please.
You don't like that
when I do that.
Thistle.
If it's old, then it why do
you care if it goes on you?
Stop it, stop!
Why do you care
if it goes on you?
Oh my God, please stop!
Please, please!
It's on my head and my hair.
Don't do that.
But it's old, so it
doesn't matter, right?
[Nicole] Cut.
[suspenseful music]
Oh, hey girl. How's it going?
-[Nicole] Good.
-You good?
Need a snack?
[Nicole] It's getting
a bit chilly.
Maybe we should go in.
My God.
[Blaire sniffles]
[birds chirping]
Did the recording get that
or do you need another one?
[suspenseful music]
Okay, so we rolling right now,
Nicole?
[Nicole] Yep, both cameras
are rolling.
This one's rolling as well?
[Nicole] Yeah,
don't touch the camera.
Great.
So what we're gonna do
is sort of a staged scene
where I tell Blaire
that Simplan has died
because I felt like
at the funeral
we didn't really get
the emotional reaction
that I was hoping for.
So yeah, we're just gonna
like have fun with it.
Blaire, could you come in here?
-[Blaire] What's up?
-Hey, Simplin.
Mm-hm.
I found him in the yard dead.
Yeah, I know that though.
Oh, we're doing sort of
like a staged.
I was just gonna,
No, just shh, listen,
I'm telling you he's dead.
You cry because the funeral
was not,
you and I both know that
that did not go well.
Okay, so one, two, three.
Simplin's dead.
Oh, oh no.
-Are you crying?
-I'm crying.
I'm just really gonna need you
to cry.
Sad, Simplin's dead.
My cat died?
That comes to see you
in the morning.
-Tippy tap on the covers.
-Yeah.
No more Kitty
in the morning time.
I'll do this, but don't sing
the song, okay?
Okay, but we need some
more emotion from you.
-Okay.
-Simplin's dead.
What? No way.
-Yeah way.
-No.
Yeah.
From three, two.
Do I look okay?
-[Nicole] You look great.
-Always.
[Nicole] You look the
same as you always do.
-Yeah.
-Thank you so much.
Blaire, can you come in here
for a second?
Can you come sit here?
Just walk normally though.
Is there a way to not
walk normally over here?
Just the way you normally would.
Down. Simplin's dead.
-Are you sad?
-Yes, I'm f*cking sad.
-Yes.
-Are you angry?
Simplin's dead.
I'm not angry that
Simplin's dead.
Well, I mean, we don't
know how it happened.
Doesn't that make you
kind of angry?
Just not knowing.
You know, he's so soft
and innocent,
and you know,
he was really mashed up.
-Mashed up?
-Yeah.
When you found him,
he was mashed up.
I mean, I was really scared,
but his body was definitely--
His body was mashed up
when you found him?
Yeah, this is good.
Why is that something
you wouldn't tell me?
Pass me that pillow.
Why is this not something--
This is perfect.
Are you getting this? Okay.
What you just scooped him
up and put him in like a--
Punch the pillow.
-I'd like this to be over.
-Simplin's dead.
-Okay. There we go, good.
-Simplin's dead.
Simplin's dead.
Harder. Your kitty's dead, babe.
Blaire punch the pillow.
-Harder.
-I did it hard enough.
Baby, look at me.
You and I both know
that's not the extent
of what you can do.
When you get mad at the bar.
-Don't wanna talk about that.
-I don't even know how he died.
What if someone k*lled him
or something?
Like, we don't even know.
[Blaire] What did you do?
[Thistle] I mean,
I didn't really like Simplin,
but I didn't k*ll him.
You didn't like Simplin,
but you did--
I mean, what if I did though?
Would you be mad?
Yep.
-This is good, yeah.
-No, it's not good, Thistle.
Is it, is this real?
You're just like,
punch the pillow.
This is awesome. Okay.
Okay, one, we'll take it,
one, two, three.
Simplin's dead.
Your cat's dead.
Okay, okay.
[Blaire grunting]
There you go.
I punched the pillow,
okay, are we done?
Great, guess what?
-No, we're not done.
-What, what you got for me?
Because I am the only one
trying to fix this for us.
You are the reason
we got cancelled.
You are the reason that we
are doing this whole rebrand.
I'm the reason
we're doing the rebrand?
-And you're doing nothing.
-I'm the reason?
I'm doing nothing!
You're doing nothing
to fix this.
My cat just floated
down the freaking river,
and you're pulling me in for--
-I don't care about your cat.
- Excuse me? Guess what?
Of course
you don't care about my cat.
This isn't even about your cat.
You turned my cat
into Chef Boyardee.
[Blaire and Thistle arguing
indistinctly]
[Blaire] Excellent, excellent.
[Thistle] This is you!
[horn honks]
[footsteps stepping]
Okay.
[car whirring]
f*ck.
f*ck, f*ck, f*ck, f*ck, f*ck.
[Nicole panting]
[Thistle] Where you going?
My car won't start.
[Thistle]
Oh, well honey,
that's 'cause someone put
sugar in your gas tank.
-What?
-[Thistle] Yeah.
Yeah, it's the h*m*
neighbours.
Your engine's gonna be
totally screwed.
They do this stuff to us
all the time.
[Nicole panting]
Oh f*ck.
Okay.
Yeah.
Okay, well I'm starving, so
I'm gonna go make some dinner.
-[door closes]
-[Thistle] You coming?
Whew, it's chilly.
[classical music]
Okay, so both those cameras
are rolling?
Yeah, like you told me.
Okay, perfect. This is gonna be
a really special dinner.
You should definitely eat
some of these
Brussels sprouts though, baby.
Thanks, I'm not super hungry,
but I appreciate it.
Okay.
-Should we?
-Yeah, okay.
Yeah, yeah, tell her.
Nikki, I've been thinking a lot.
Okay.
B and I.
What If you stay here.
Stay here.
With us and become
our partner?
-Okay.
-Our partner.
You have your baby here on site.
Baby here.
And once you have your baby
here.
the four of us
can create content.
-Okay.
-Okay, are you following this?
I think so.
Four-way business partnership.
The three of us plus your baby.
We split the profits.
The profits.
The mommy q*eer scene is
going to absolutely pop off.
You don't need childcare.
-No childcare.
-You don't need a job.
No job.
I mean, I would have
a job working for you.
Oh, well that's not work.
Is it our job? Is it a job?
This is an incredible
opportunity.
-It's an opportunity.
-It's really not to be missed.
The market
for q*eer mommy content
is going wild right now, okay?
It's nuts right now.
The money that
we could make together.
it's honestly rude
to talk about it.
Okay.
Yeah, no, you're right.
You've never been more right.
I'm gonna have to think about it
when we drive back to the city.
Okay, okay, Nicole.
And you're gonna have your
baby in a few months, and--
-Oh, yeah.
-All the content you need.
Sounds like she's saying no.
I don't think it sound,
that, I don't hear,
-I don't hear the word no.
-It's a no.
-It's maybe--
-It's a grateful but firm no.
-Okay, like pondering no, but--
-Thinking about it.
Thinking about why it's a no,
but it's definitely a no.
Not like a capital,
capital N-O though.
It's like a, like a major.
I just like suddenly, my head
is just like really hurting.
Sometimes I'm in this space
as well.
I understand you're a little--
-Thank you. Yeah.
-Apprehensive, but I think--
I think this could be really,
really good.
-Yeah.
-You know?
I trust Thistle.
You can trust Thistle.
We can still be friends though.
[Thistle gulping]
Okay.
[Thistle clears throat]
You scooch in, babe?
Do you want your-
Yeah, just a little more,
thanks.
Your tea, or you're gonna--
Thank you for dinner.
We should go.
Okay, don't look at her
on the way out.
I'll just meet you
at the car, okay?
[Thistle] Nicole, are you
getting this? Are you rolling?
[Nicole] Yep.
So tonight is our last night
with the inimitable Nicole,
who we love so much
for her video skills
and her grace under pressure.
And to thank you for everything
that you have done for us,
we really wanna treat you
right.
because.
[Thistle scribbling]
.we love you.
[Nicole] Thank you.
Oh, this is way more
than what we discussed,
Honey, we wanna take care
of you.
We know you'll be back
to finish the doc.
Come back anytime.
Take your time.
We'll always be here.
[Nicole] Thank you,
I really appreciate it.
I do just have one more favour
to ask.
I know that on your way,
you and B are just gonna
have the cutest,
funniest conversations.
So if you could just
make sure you're filming,
I just really wanna eavesdrop
on all of that chit chat
that y'all are gonna be doing.
Oh, yep, there's Thistle.
What?
[Blaire] She's probably
just blown off steam.
Let's see if there's anything
on the radio.
[upbeat music]
Oh, sh*t, I love this song.
My best friend and I
used to make up lyrics
to sing on top of it.
I got one. You want one?
I got one.
-Yeah.
-One, just one.
Okay.
And Edgar Allen Poe
comes out of his grave
He does a dance
with the ravens
It's a raven rave
Such a dork.
Yeah, well, gotta be good.
[car crashes]
[Blaire] You okay?
-[Nicole] Yeah, are you?
-Yeah.
Sometimes the road gets
all washed out
at the bottom of the hill.
[Nicole] Can we still pass?
Well, no, I mean.
[Nicole] Can we check?
Yeah, yeah.
I dunno what the f*ck
is going on.
Okay, so I guess
we can drive down and--
-[Nicole] Okay.
-What do you doing?
Babe, the road's completely
washed out.
I was just out there on my bike.
Come on, get in the back.
I'll drive us home,
one big happy family.
[Halloween song playing]
What are you doing?
You gonna come up and go to bed?
[Nicole] Yeah, I'm just still
just a little freaked out.
It's fine, the roads get washed
out like that all the time.
It'll be over in like 12 hours.
It'll be all fixed.
-[Nicole] Yeah?
-Yeah.
-[Nicole] Okay.
-What do you need to sleep?
-You need a fan on you?
-[Nicole] No.
-Lightsabers?
-[Nicole] No.
I don't know
if they make those anymore.
Whatever you need.
[Nicole] I'm good,
but thank you.
Okay.
Okay, get some rest, okay?
[dramatic music]
[plastic crumpling]
[suspenseful music]
[Thistle] Nicole.
Good morning.
Oh!
[Thistle] Good morning, Nicole.
What are you doing?
[Thistle] Good morning, honey.
Oh my gosh, you look so cute
in the morning.
I would literally k*ll someone
to look like that.
Wanna just get a shot of me.
We're doing a wedding.
Okay.
Okay, what do you need, shoes?
Do you want a pepperette?
[Nicole] I need a minute.
It's like a dried sausage.
-Are you hungry?
-[Nicole] No.
Okay, honey,
this needs to be perfect.
Have you ever shot a wedding?
-Yeah.
-Okay, perfect.
So you know what to do.
I think you might wanna pop
on some under eye cream
'cause I'm seeing some little
dark circles there.
Do you need a pepperette?
Can you be ready
in five minutes?
Amazing, I love you.
You're so cute in the morning.
It's like crazy.
You're making me crazy.
Like I wanna marry you.
Okay, bye!
-Are you ready?
-No.
Okay, I'm gonna need you
to get up.
[Nicole] Okay.
[Thistle] Up, up, up, up, up,
up, up, up, up.
Legs off the bed,
legs off the bed.
[Thistle slapping]
Okay, see you five, babe.
[Nicole sighs]
We're gonna get married
in the woods today
-[Thistle kiss smacks]
-On this day in the woods
-[leaves rustling]
-You and me, honey baby
My baby
Does it smell like sh*t
back here?
Yeah, to my baby
In the woods
On the most beautiful day
that I've ever seen
You okay there?
You okay with the camera bag?
-[Nicole] Yeah.
-Yeah?
[Nicole] I mean,
it's not much further, right?
-No, no, just up here.
-[Nicole] Okay.
We're good.
[Nicole] Where's Thistle?
I don't know.
-[Nicole] Could we just--
-[Blaire] Ahead a little bit.
[Nicole] Could we just
like take a take a minute,
just sit down
for a little bit or just--
Yeah, are you okay?
You look a little--
[Nicole]
Just take a little break.
Oh.
Yeah.
What's--
I need to,
I need to get out of here.
I just, I don't feel good.
I just, I need to go home.
I need to go to a doctor, just--
I know, I know,
but if the roads are all
washed out right now,
there's kinda nothing we can do.
There's gotta be a way.
You have to help me.
[Thistle screams]
[Blaire] What happened?
What happened?
What happened?
[Thistle] The light, the light,
the light, the light.
It's going down, up
and behind the trees, honey.
Nicole, we need to get
the light right now,
or else things
are just not gonna--
Get the, Nicole,
we need inserts, okay?
Go, go, go!
Oh sh*t, f*ck!
Okay, get the guests, get
the guests. Get the flowers.
Blaire, get the f*ck
outta the way.
-Get the f*ck outta the way. Go!
-I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry.
[instrumental music]
Hi.
[both exhaling]
-You ready?
-Yeah.
Okay.
[flowers rumbling]
Blaire,
when I think about the way
you love me.
it feels like pressing on
a new bruise.
I, a tender stone fruit,
yield to the pressure.
Don't cry.
Shh.
Yield to the gentle pressure
of your spirit.
[Blaire crying]
In the night I wake,
turning to look at you,
your placid face, serene,
in a strip of moonlight.
My heart fumbles.
I feel I will never deserve
the sweetness of your soul,
which I devour as 1,000
hungry, insatiable bees.
Thank you, my B,
for loving me.
for letting me love you forever.
[Blaire exhales]
Wow, thank you.
So I have something special
for my vows.
I brought you a gift, okay?
Here it is.
[Thistle] Okay.
Can you hold my phone?
Yeah, oh, I'll hold your phone.
It's wrapped in burlap.
-[Thistle] Is it?
-Yeah.
-[Thistle] My favourite.
-Okay.
-[Thistle] Okay, what is it.
-Okay.
What is this?
Look at this.
See?
What is it?
You, just look at it.
Yeah, I'm looking at it.
What is it?
It's how I'm doing my words.
These are your vows?
Yeah.
I thought this would be a good
way to show you how I feel.
Maybe if we just--
-Okay, okay.
-Better?
This is paint, not vows.
But this really expresses
the way that I feel about you.
If you could just, if
you could look at it.
Thistle, look at it.
-Okay.
-Oh my God.
[sniffles]
Okay, here's what
we're gonna do.
Do you have a marker, Nicole?
-[Nicole] In my--
-Right now?
-[Nicole] Yeah.
-I'm sorry.
Okay, go.
Just gimme that.
What we're gonna do.
just gonna write some vows.
-I'm sorry--
-For--
-I'm sorry.
-My lovely wife.
[marker scribbling]
There, perfect.
[marker banging]
-Okay, just read that.
-Okay, okay.
Okay.
I love you, Thistle.
I love you, Thistle, forever.
Go faster.
And in front of everyone
here today,
I am so honoured to say
that I promise to obey you.
-Hold on for a second.
-Sorry?
So I can see this for a second.
I'm gonna just finish.
Let me finish,
let me just try once.
Can you let me try once?
Can you just let me try once?
-Blaire!
-Please don't touch.
please don't try to fight.
Let go of it!
Why are you doing that?
You're pitiful, you're pitiful.
[Blaire and Thistle arguing]
Stop.
Everything you're doing is--
You're breaking it!
You're breaking,
I will lift you up--
-No, no, no, no.
-Stop it, stop.
-Shh.
-Stop, stop.
Guys, can we just--
Nicole, shut the f*ck up,
you c**t.
[Thistle panting]
[electronic music]
[Nicole] Thistle?
Thistle can we talk?
I know you can hear me.
[suspenseful music]
[electronic music]
[footsteps stomping]
Where are the keys?
[footsteps stomping]
[indistinct]
[Nicole] Blaire?
Can I talk to you for a minute?
Yeah.
[Nicole] Privately?
Yeah.
Okay.
What are we talking about?
[Nicole] She can't hear us here,
right?
-Thistle?
-[Nicole] Yeah.
No, I don't think so.
I play jazz down here sometimes.
[Nicole] I need to get out
of here. I don't feel well.
And I asked Thistle to leave
a few times,
and she keeps ignoring me.
She just doesn't like to talk
to people sometimes.
-I'm sure it's just that.
-[Nicole] Okay.
You know, if I talk to her,
we can get you outta here
if you wanna go. You know?
[Nicole] The car keys are gone.
Okay, well,
I'm sure we can find them.
[Nicole] Listen,
Thistle doesn't seem well.
and I just feel like
I shouldn't be around for that.
You know?
She's a sensitive person.
I know that's tough, but--
[Nicole] I need you,
I need your help.
I need you on my side.
Okay.
Okay, I'm on your side.
I really think this is just
a misunderstanding, okay?
[Nicole] What am I even
filming anymore?
[Blaire] Okay, look,
this documentary is the
only thing keeping Thistle
on track even a little bit.
I have no idea what would
happen if we stopped filming.
[Nicole] Should we really
be encouraging her right now?
Just keep rolling,
and I'll see what I can do
about the keys.
Okay.
Yeah, you know what?
That's not, I think
that's a sad song of hers.
So I'm just gonna check it out.
Oh, Thistle!
Hey!
Hey, Thistle.
Thistle?
You wanna look at some
macrame stuff online, or?
Thistle, you okay?
Okay.
We gotta we gotta calm
her down a little bit,
so she tells us
where the keys are.
[Nicole] Okay.
I think she hid them
'cause she likes to hide stuff
when she's pissed off at me.
[Nicole] Okay.
Like that's actually
where all my sleeves went.
I still don't know
where those are.
Thistle?
Thistle?
Do you want me to read
from my journal?
[Thistle] No.
Should we do a little
like citrus spritz?
-[Thistle] No.
-You don't wanna do that?
So you wanna watch
an Ethan Hawk movie?
-[Thistle] No.
-No?
You wanna braid some stuff
together?
-[Thistle] No.
-No?
Do you want cut up some paper,
and we can make it
into little ba*ls?
[Thistle] Noooooo.
[Blaire] No?
[Thistle groans]
[Blaire] Okay.
All right.
I know what special queen
She is shiny, nice and clean
She loves her life
There we go. We gotta tuck
the chin a little bit. Hold you.
[Thistle] Take a good bath.
Take a bath? Okay.
-[Thistle] Ow!
-[Blaire] I know.
[Blaire] I know.
Okay?
[Thistle] Yeah,
I wanna go in the bath.
Okay, we'll go in the bath.
Oops, you okay?
[Thistle] No, stop, Blaire.
Why are you doing that?
-[Blaire] Get in the tub.
-[Thistle] Yeah.
Okay, what do you need now?
-[Thistle] Bubbles.
-[Blaire] Turn this on?
-[Thistle] No, no water.
-[Blaire] No water?
-[Thistle] No.
-[Blaire] Dry bubbles?
-Just a dry bath.
-[Blaire] All right.
[water running]
[Blaire] Here we go.
Everything's fine,
we got bubbles.
Yeah, I have a headache.
[Blaire] Right here,
you have a headache?
[Thistle] Yeah.
Get more.
-[Blaire] More? Okay.
-Yeah.
-[Blaire] Alright.
-You know I can't get wet.
I'm sorry that
you can't get wet.
I just feel like you haven't
been like here for me.
[Blaire] You feel relaxed?
No, not really.
[Blaire] Well,
what else would help?
Gonna get you some more bubbles.
-[Thistle] Yeah, I need more.
-More bubbles?
[Thistle] Yeah,
they're like already melting, B.
I'm sorry.
Dry baths are, they're hard.
Well, it shouldn't be that hard.
Yeah, yeah.
Here, and up here a little bit?
-Yeah, up here a bit.
-There we go.
-Yeah, can you get more faster?
-Yeah, I'm getting more.
Sorry, faster, sorry.
And I like cut myself
on glass and stuff.
I know, yeah,
that doesn't hurt there?
[Thistle] I think the bubbles
are helping.
[Blaire]
Bubbles are helping that?
[Thistle] Yeah.
[laughs]
[Blaire] Maybe we should
clean that off, eh?
-No.
-No?
-I think we should leave it.
-Leave it?
-Okay.
-Does this scratch you?
-A little bit.
-[Thistle laughs]
Okay.
Did you have a good time
at the wedding?
I did.
I feel like it got like,
kind of weird.
-Just got passionate.
-Yeah.
-It just got passionate.
-But you know I'm like that.
-Yeah, I know you're like that.
-I get like that.
I think that's how you
maybe wanted it to go.
Yeah, what?
Just a little bit more exciting.
No, I just wanted it to be
like a normal wedding.
-Okay.
-Yeah.
Sorry.
-Can you get more bubbles?
-Yeah, okay. Yeah, sure.
[water splashing]
Get this.
Can you put the bubbles
in my hand? [laughs]
There you go?
-I love that.
-Yeah.
Feel better?
Can I ask you a question?
Yeah, anything.
What's up?
And you have to be honest.
Yeah.
Do you love Nicole
more than you love me?
Do I love Nicole?
No, my, my, okay, that's
a little, hurts a little bit.
My feelings for Nicole
are just the normal ones.
Don't know her very well.
Just normal, normal feelings.
[Nicole] Keys, keys, keys.
[drawers opening]
[suspenseful music]
[Nicole] Midwives brew?
Induces labour, what the f*ck?
[suspenseful music]
[things rattling]
[Nicole] Why's there f*cked up
sh*t everywhere I look?
f*ck.
Where'd she get theses?
That's my apartment.
[suspenseful music]
[Nicole] Keys, keys,
keys, keys, keys.
Negative, negative.
[door closes]
[suspenseful music]
[indistinct]
[Nicole sighs]
[suspenseful music]
[keys clank]
[suspenseful music]
[Nicole] Thistle?
Blaire?
[Thistle] Hey, girl!
[Nicole yells]
Blaire and I were just
having a little conversation
about how close you two
have gotten.
[Nicole] What, no.
Yeah, I've seen that you've
really taken a liking
to each other.
Isn't that right, Blaire?
Look at Nicole.
Hey, I have an idea.
Nicole, why don't you,
why don't you and Blaire hug?
That's okay, honey, it's okay.
I'm open to these things,
right, Blaire?
Right?
I think I've really come
to the conclusion
that you should be a couple.
Don't you, Blaire?
Blaire, is that your girlfriend?
-No.
-Yeah?
-No.
-Do you wanna date?
-You wanna be her girlfriend?
-No.
That's fine, that's fine.
I'm open about these things.
That's fine.
I'm totally fine with it.
Why don't you give each other
a hug?
No.
Think that's a good idea,
Blaire.
Why don't you two hug.
You think that's a good idea?
Go hug.
It's okay, just give Nicole
a hug.
I want you to.
[Thistle yells]
Okay, it looks like
it's a little bit deep there.
Okay, let me just, I've
got something for the pain.
How about a pain k*ller.
Just hold on, hold on.
You're gonna be okay, shh.
Shh!
Honey, honey, honey, honey.
Shh, shh, okay.
[Blaire groaning and crying]
You're okay.
Just go, shh.
Where you going, Nicole?
-Huh?
-[Nicole panting]
You gonna hit me
with a little vase.
I'd love to see you try.
[Thistle laughs]
Let's go, Nicole, come on.
Let's see you do it.
-[glass breaks]
-[Nicole screams]
[Thistle panting]
Okay, Nicole, seriously,
there's something in my eye.
Seriously, time out.
Time out.
[Thistle groans]
Nicole, there's something
in my eye.
I need you to take it out.
What is this?
Are you chloroforming?
[groaning]
What the hell?
[Thistle panting]
[Nicole panting]
Blaire, wake up.
Wake up, Blaire.
-We have to get you out of here.
-[Blaire groans]
You okay, you okay.
[Blaire spits]
Wake up.
We'll get you out of here, okay?
-Okay.
-We'll get you to a doctor.
-Yeah.
-Get you safe.
Oh God. [groaning]
[Nicole]
We'll get you to a doctor.
[Blaire] She could wake up
at any time.
Okay.
[Nicole] Oh sh*t,
where'd she go?
[Blaire] Where'd she go?
I'll keep you here, no
we gotta go, go, go, go.
Okay, we can't go out the front.
She's probably there.
Shh.
She's not gonna come this way.
[Nicole panting]
[Nicole] Okay, okay.
I don't think she's out there.
So we're gonna go this way,
okay?
It's gonna go right
to the forest.
Okay, so we're gonna run
right away
as soon as I open the door.
-[Nicole] Okay.
-Okay, you gonna run?
-[Nicole] Yeah.
-Ready, okay.
-You okay?
-[Nicole] Yeah.
Okay, one, two.
[glass shatters]
[Nicole screams]
[Blaire panting]
-[Nicole] Are you okay?
-Yeah, yeah.
-We still gotta go.
-[Nicole] No.
This way.
Yeah, I think she's gone.
I really think she's gone.
[Nicole panting]
You wanna go out the front door?
[Nicole whimpering]
Come here.
It's gonna be okay, all right?
I got you, come on.
[Nicole panting]
[suspenseful music]
[floor creaking]
[glass clinks]
[Thistle growls]
Thistle, Thistle, Thistle,
look at me, look at me!
I'm gonna k*ll her!
[Thistle screaming]
[Blaire] Stop, stop, stop!
It's me, look, look!
Look at me!
Let go, please let go, let go!
[Thistle groaning]
What the-
Ah!
Does it look bad?
Honey, does it look bad?
[Blaire coughs]
[footsteps stomping]
[Blaire panting]
[Nicole] Wait, Blaire?
My memory cards.
-Your memory cards?
-[Nicole] Yeah. We need them.
No, no, no, we gotta
go out the front door.
We're gonna go right out the
front door to the woods, okay?
[Nicole] Blaire, trust me,
we need them.
We can't get those.
[Nicole] Okay, well,
you can wait outside. I'm going.
No, I'm gonna come with you.
I can't leave you by yourself,
come on.
[footsteps stomping]
Careful of, careful of my blood.
[Nicole] It's right over here,
just under the bed.
-Okay.
-[Nicole] You got it?
Okay, let's go.
[Nicole screams]
Heading out?
Where are you guys gonna go?
What do you think
you're gonna do?
You don't know the first
g*dd*mn thing
about monetizing this baby.
And Blaire, you don't even
have a personality.
I curated you.
I curated everything
that you are.
And Nicole, you little c**t.
Think you wanna be happy
with Blaire?
Happiness doesn't come
from love, babe.
-Comes from being a girl boss.
-[Nicole yells]
Oh, you got a little cramp.
[Nicole] I think
I'm going to labour.
Wait, what? Seriously?
[Nicole] I think my water
just broke.
Gimme the camera.
[Thistle singing]
Hey, it's Thistle,
and as you can see,
I'm with the lovely Nicole
who's just gone into labour,
and we're about to have
a beautiful angel baby!
It's baby day.
You know, there were a
couple of bumps in the road,
but I knew
we would make it happen.
And Blaire's gonna be here
holding her hand
through the whole thing.
Blaire?
Go hold her hand.
No.
What?
-Blaire, hold her hand.
-No!
[Thistle screams]
[Nicole] Blaire, watch out.
[Thistle] You don't get
to say no to me.
Stop arching your lumbar.
[Nicole] Blaire, Blaire,
what do I do?
Here, tie her up.
[Thistle growling and grunting]
[Thistle] Okay, Blaire,
this is actually turning me on
a little bit.
[Blaire] It is not the time
for that.
Who's the girl boss now,
Thistle?
Ooh, stab wound.
What do we do now?
What do we do for the baby?
[Nicole] Oh, it's, Blaire,
it's fine.
-I'm not actually in labour.
-What?
Oh!
Nicole, come back here!
[growling]
Nicole!
Blaire, baby, untie me, baby!
I love you!
[screaming]
[footsteps stepping]
[classical music]
[baby crying]
Okay, enough.
Can't stop kissing you
and sniffing you.
Is that white hair?
What?
God, I always get baby hair
in my mouth.
I'm sitting down
in the beautiful home
of Nicole and Blaire,
survivors of the total
sh*t show we just watched.
Thank you so much for sharing
your deeply traumatizing,
near death experience
with Crime Queens.
-We're happy to.
-Yeah.
We just wanna make sure
that this story is out there.
People deserve to know.
So how has this whole
ordeal impacted you?
I was stabbed in the back,
so that did change things
for me.
There was a big recovery period,
and thankfully I got this big
brain, so I can still use that.
Let's just address the elephant,
or should I say baby
in the room?
I mean, how did you become
a couple and co-parents?
I mean, at first I thought
we'd kinda go our separate ways,
but when I was in the hospital
recovering,
I would wake up all the time
just like drenched in sweat.
And my first thought
would be, where's Nicole?
Where's Nicole? I couldn't help
myself. I'd have to text her.
I don't know, I guess I just,
I always felt like you really
cared about me throughout
the whole thing.
And I just, I saw this
caring and this love,
and I thought she would
be an amazing mother.
-No dropsies yet.
-Woo, no, just kidding.
I don't wanna be insensitive,
but do you ever wonder
where Thistle might be now?
I mean, that name
doesn't come up really.
No, I mean, we're grateful
that in a way
-she brought us together.
-Sure.
But no, I think it's best
to just close the door
on that whole chapter.
Move on.
We are not, we are not
what happened to us there.
No.
Now Blaire, can you tell
me about your new program?
Because it sounds humanitarian
as f*ck.
I, yeah, so I do
an outreach program
where I go into prisons, and
I just bring painting and art.
And it's something that
I wish that I had had
when I was in there myself.
Are you referring to your
2012 manslaughter conviction?
It's okay.
Yeah, I just,
I know the places that
emotions can take you,
and I have a lot of regret.
Caged heat.
Now Nicole, you've been
girl bossing your way
through the whole
healing process
with a new digital venture
of your own.
Can you talk about that?
As a documentarian, I'm on
a constant quest for truth.
[Nicole] So I like to create
these synthetic multisensory
experiences that really try
to redefine
how we think of music
and images coming together.
-Could you be more specific?
-Harp videos on YouTube.
Okay, slay.
We know you've been off the grid
serving cottage core realness,
but we'd love to know what some
of your fans have been saying.
Oh wow.
[Nicole laughs]
Aw.
Crystal Goddess says,
are you an angel?
You are.
Angie says, love it.
PeriwinkleASMR.
Okay, there's a lot of comments.
This is obviously fake.
Amateur at best.
Well, I mean--
Okay.
How many comments?
Does that Just say thief
four times?
Baby is thin.
Okay, that crosses a line.
How's your wife?
Okay, I'm sorry,
I don't see the point of this.
This is exactly
why I don't read comments.
-Wanna take her for a second?
-Yeah, you got it?
Yeah, did you have
a nightmare last night?
This is still PeriwinkleASMR.
-Can we stop?
-I'm sorry, like-
-I'm almost there.
-I'm really uncomfortable.
Unlock the door.
Can't wait to see you again.
Who is this? I just wanna see.
Ugh, creepy people
To see the main page.
Okay.
Like a--
That really looks like--
Okay.
Yep.
Yep.
Yep, that's a rebrand.
Okay.
All right, so we are going
into protocol.
She might be in the house.
You know what to do.
Okay.
It's okay.
[dramatic music]
Hello.
Hello.
Hello, my cosmic cuties.
I'm going to give you
some tinkles.
I heard that you like brushing.
Brushing.
Yes.
I have a baby.
Her name is Galaxy.
Have you ever
eaten
popcorn?
Would you like
if I brushed your hair,
and you didn't even know
I was brushing it?
Oh, I just realized I have
to take my antipsychotic.
Antipsychotic.
[pill rumbling]
[Thistle spits]
Nevermind.
Don't feel like it today.
Because I don't trust
the pharmaceutical industry.
The pharmaceutical industry.
I don't trust big pharma,
big pharma, big pharma.
If you have any requests,
I read all the comments.
I read all the comments.
I know about all of you
and all of your comments.
I'm very active online.
Like, follow, subscribe.
I better get going.
Galaxy's been a little bit
lonely,
and I was thinking maybe
I'd try and get her
a little sister.
[blade chops]
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