05x26 - Charles Be DeMille

[bunniefuu]

[♪

[♪ theme

[♪ theme music]

♪ The new boy
in the neighborhood

♪ Lives downstairs
and it's understood

♪ He's there just
to take good care of me

♪ Like he's one
of the family

♪ Charles in Charge
of our days

♪ and our nights

♪ Charles in Charge
of our wrongs

♪ and our rights

♪ And I see,
I want

♪ Charles in Charge
of me

♪ Charles in Charge
of our days

♪ and our nights

♪ Charles in Charge
of our wrongs

♪ and our rights

♪ And I see,
I want

♪ I want

♪ Charles in Charge
of me ♪

You're a clock!

You're supposed to tell me
what time it is!

I'm not supposed to tell
you!

Charles, you're losing
your bottoms.

Why wouldn't I, Mom?!
Why wouldn't I?!

The mailman is late again
and this clock
is covering up for him!

I was talking about the
buttons on your jacket.

If you're gonna be
interviewed at Princeton,

you gotta have
all your buttons.

Well, how will I know when
I'm being interviewed
by Princeton, Mom?!

They won't write a letter,
the mailman won't bring it,

and the clock won't tell me
what time it is!

Charles, Charles!
I have news!

It's the mailman!
- He's here?!

No!

Then what's your news, Buddy?

Well, I knew you were still
waiting for that letter
from Princeton,

so I checked your mailbox.

The mailman hasn't
been here, yet!

That's my news!

[choking sounds]

Sweetheart...
Charles...

Charles, now listen...

What's going to be,
is going to be.

Life is hard,
but it's always fair!

Life is totally unfair!

Is that today's mail?!

All year long I've been
looking forward to our class
field trip to Boston!

Is that today's mail?
- Now, they say
we lost our funding

and we can't afford to go!
- Is that today's mail?

The trip is cancelled!
- Is that today's mail?!

Sarah, I'm sorry, honey.

I know how much that meant
to you, going to Boston.

Charles, guess what?!
It's today's mail!

Buddy, is there
a letter for me?!

Charles, guess what?!
There's a letter for you!

Buddy, read it to me.

Ma, I'm too nervous
to focus my eyes!

Okay...

Hey, this is great!

Yes!
Oh yes!

Buddy, they're accepting me!

I'm gonna do my post-graduate
work at Princeton?!

I don't know.
This letter isn't
from Princeton.

It's from the
Gamma Sorority House.

They're throwing a
fundraising variety show,

and you're invited!

But I don't want to go to
a fundraising variety show!

I want to go to Princeton!

Sarah, why don't you
do that?!

Ma, she can't go
to Princeton.
She's too young!

I didn't mean that.
I meant, why don't you have

a variety show to raise money
for your field trip?!

I couldn't put on
a variety show!

You can if you have
a good director.

You're right, Charles!
I could!

Sarah!

Sarah, you still excited
about your class going
to Boston, huh?

Oh yes, Grampa!

I wasn't because we weren't!

But now I am because we are!

We didn't have the money for
the trip, but we will now!

I'm going to put on
a benefit show

and Charles just
volunteered to direct it!

I beg your pardon?

Good, and you can use our
stage down at my club!

Now let's fix dinner and talk
about that!

Wait a--!
Wha--?!

When did I lose control?!

Relax, Charles!
With me as your talent scout,

you can't go wrong!

You?!

Buddy, there's more
to a variety show
than dancing girls!

I know that!

I plan to have a perfectly
balanced lineup of talent!

I'm gonna hire one singer...

one acrobat...

one trained seal...
- [scoffs]

one violinist...

and 350 dancing girls.

[♪ ]

Hi, how's it going?

Charles, this is the 43rd
baton twirler Buddy's
brought in today!

I know, he's trying
to get even with me

because I wouldn't let him
audition strippers.

Buddy, Buddy...
May I--

Buddy, may I speak with you
for a minute, please?

Thanks, excuse me.

Yes, what is it, oh high and
mighty director, sir?!

Don't you think we've seen
enough baton twirlers?

Okay Charles, what do you
wanna see next?

The Old Ladies Limping Team?!
Ooh!

I'd like to see
a little variety!

Anything you say,
Mr. Spielberg!

Next!

How's the show coming along?

Oh, good sir,
but we could still use
a little more variety.

Say no more!
I have the answer right here!

I was going through an old
trunk and look who I found!

Mugsy!
- Mugsy?!

My little Mugsy?!
- Yes!

Now you can do
your ventriloquist act
in the show!

Charles, I didn't know you
were a ventriloquist.

Oh yes!

He was the hit
of the fifth grade!

The fifth grade?!
Ha!

Aunt Lillian, this isn't
a show for fifth grade
performances.

You know,
I used to be pretty good.

I'm a little out of shape
right now.

But I could probably, you
know, get back in shape
before Friday night.

I'm not so sure about Mugsy,
though.

Don't worry, Charles!

A friend of mine
is a wood-working genius!

He'll have Mugsy
looking like new!

We want you in this show!
Gotta have it!

All right Buddy,
what are you after?

Nothing...
I'll be back!

Aunt Lillian, why don't you
do something in the show,

[laughing]
Oh no!

No, no!

No, I couldn't!
No!

Oh Charles, I almost forgot.

There's this sorority girl
and I told her

I might give her a part
in a play, you know...

I knew it!
Okay, you win, Buddy.

What will this girl do?

That's what I'm trying
to find out, Charles!

Okay, I'll sing one song,
but no more!

Lilly, Lillian...

Can't we sing
one song together?

Well Walter,
I'd love to sing with you,

If you don't mind singing
about my diner.

Your diner?

I was thinking more
of an old vaudeville song.

Well, as long as it has
lyrics about my diner, okay?

Ma, I don't think there are
too many old songs about
The Yesterday Cafe.

I know where I can get one...

My mother!
The former Elenora MacDonald!

She was a star in the
Ziegfeld Follies!

I'll give her a call and ask
her to write an old song
for us!

An old vaudeville song about
The Yesterday Cafe?

Sure Lillian!
Anything you want!

You give up easily, Walter.
I like that in a man.

Oh, thanks for your help,
Charles.

I know it's a lot of work,

but we really couldn't do
the show without you.

Hi!

Guess what!
I decided to do my magic act
in your little show!

Adam, did the mailman come?!

Yeah, but there was
nothing for you.

Adam, I don't know if we have
time for your magic act.

Well, that's too bad, Sarah.
See...

I was gonna let you be my
lovely assistant and wear
a beautiful costume.

You want Sarah to be
your lovely assistant?!

What am I, the Elephant Man?!

I don't know...

Why don't you take off your
mask and we'll find out?

Adam, if you're gonna do
your magic act,

both of your sisters have to
be in it.

You actually want the little
pimple to do his magic act?

Yeah, he's got some
pretty good tricks!

Thank you, Charles!

And by the way, some guy
called for you, uh...

I left his number
by the phone.

What did he want?

I don't know, he just said
he was from Princeton.

Yes, Professor Haskins, I
really wanna do my post-
graduate work at Princeton.

You're coming here...
to New Brunswick?

No, no, I don't mind taking
a test, sir!

Just tell me when and where.

Okay, all right,
that'll be perfect!

I'll see you there, sir.

Thank you very much.

Yes!

Professor Haskins?
Professor?!

Thank you,
ladies and gentlemen.

And now, if my other lovely
assistant would bring me
my coat...

Thank you.

Jamie!

Jamie, stop that!
You're doing my trick!

I'm the magician!

Yeah?
Then make yourself disappear!

Now kids, kids, kids!

The act just isn't working!

Take it out on the road,
get the kinks out,

and then have your agents
give me a call!

How's it going?

Not too well, Charles.
I'm glad you're back.

We can't work
without a director.

Well, that's what I wanna
talk to you about.

I just spoke to Professor
Haskins from Princeton.

And uh, he's gonna be at
Copeland College for one
night only.

See?
And uh...

He agreed to interview me.

Well, that's wonderful,
Charles!
Congratulations!

Thanks, but there's a couple
of problems, you see uh...

He's gonna give me a test.
So...

I have to uh, stay home for
the next two days studying.

The next two days?!

Charles, we're doing the show
on Friday night!
We only have two days!

Yeah, I mean, are you gonna
be able to come back

at the last minute
and direct this thing?!

Well, that's the other
problem, you see um...

I'm uh...

The interview is set up for
Friday night.

So uh, you're gonna have to
do the show without me.

I really hate to back out at
the last minute, you know?

But this is really
important to me.

I understand, Charles.
You're right.

Go ahead, you've gotta
do what's important to you.

Thanks, Sarah.

I'll uh...
See you guys later.

Sarah, I cannot believe that
Charles would back out on you
like this.

Yeah, I know.
I mean, whatever happened to
"the show much go on?"

It's not the end
of the world, Adam.

The show will go on, Adam!

I'm gonna direct this show!

I lied, it is the end
of the world.

Okay, quiet on the set!
Quiet everybody!

Try to work with me!
Quiet!

Dancing girls, enter!!

[drum roll, cymbal crash]

Beautiful dancing girls,
exit!

[drum roll, cymbal crash]

That was it?!

That was the big
production number?!

Yeah, exciting, huh?!

They didn't do anything,
Buddy!

You didn't direct them!

Why tamper with perfection?

Buddy, the show goes on
tonight and we're gonna have

an audience
of paying customers.

And the actors don't even
know what they're doing!

Hi, how's everything going?

Don't worry about us,
Charles.

You just go
to your interview.

I know how much you wanna
get into Princeton.

Sarah's right, Charles.

Don't worry about letting
everybody down and breaking
Sarah's heart.

You have to think
about yourself!

Go to your interview!
I mean it!
We'll be just fine!

Thanks, Sarah.

You know, I think maybe you
could be, you know, Adam's
lovely assistant tonight.

I'll just work
in the ticket booth.

Why?

To give people their money
back when they walk out.

Well, Charles...

based on your transcripts
and...

your grade point average,

this test could be
a piece of pie...

Uh, cake.

Well, I hope so, professor.

As I told you before, I would
really like to do my post-
graduate work at Princeton.

Well uh, so far...

Um, you have all
the right qualifications.

So far?

Oh, depending on how I do
on the test.

Well actually, no, the...

The test is easy.

What I really wanna know is,

what kind of emotional
commitment you're willing
to make to your students?

A strong one, sir.
- Well, I hope so.

In this age of single-parent
families and...

families where
both parents work...

young people like to teachers
for guidance and nurturing.

They depend on us, Charles.
And...

We can't let them down.

But, I'm sure you know that.

I'm sorry, professor,
but I gotta get outta here.

[door slams]

Sure, you feel hopelessly
disorganized and confused!

Sure, you feel like you're
gonna come out here and flop!

And you probably will!

But...

In less than an hour, you're
gonna come out onto this

stage and you're gonna
put on a show!

Buddy, we don't have a show!

Let's face it,
we're gonna have to cancel

the performance and refund
the ticket money!

Good, I'm glad
you're all here!
I wanna talk to you!

Charles, it's too late
for talk!

I can't work
with these people!

You gotta come back
and direct this show!

I am gonna direct it, Buddy.
That's why I'm here!

Listen everybody, if you get
dressed in ten minutes, we'll

still have 45 minutes to put
the show together, okay?!

Oh wow!
This is really exciting!

It's like an old Mickey
Rooney/Judy Garland movie!

Yeah, maybe we could rent a
barn and put on a cow?!

Better yet, Lembeck...

Why don't you rent a padded
cell and put on
a straitjacket?!

I don't understand, Charles!
What about your interview?!

Uh, don't worry about it,
Sarah.

You know, there'll be
other interviews.

You mean you're giving up
Princeton for this?!

What can I tell you?
Show business is my life.

Aw, thank you Charles!

All right, look Buddy.
I gotta go put on my tux.

All right, get me Mugsy.

Who?

Mugsy, my dummy.

You took him to your friend
to get repaired!

I know Charles, but you
dropped out of the show!

So I told my friend
to forget it!

I don't even know
where Mugsy is!

Buddy, I'm doing my
ventriloquist act!

If I don't have Mugsy,
I'm gonna have to get
another dummy!

That's impossible!

Where are you gonna find a
dummy at this time of night?!

You know,
you're very strange, Budsy.

I don't suppose
you have many friends.

[Buddy using dummy voice]
I have a lot of friends!

I live in a fraternity!

I especially like
my roommate...

Why, is your roommate
a nice person?

Yes, and she's very sexy!

She?!
Wait a minute!

Wait a minute!
You can't have a female...

roommate!

You can if nobody
knows about her!

[drum roll, cymbal crash]

But don't the other guys
notice there's a difference
when they take a shower?

Yeah, but who's gonna tell?

[drum roll, cymbal crash]

I guess I'm talking
to a dummy.

That makes two of us.
[drum roll, cymbal crash]

Okay, and now
ladies and germs...

I will drink
a glass of water...

while my friend Budsy, here...

sings a song.
Okay, here we go, Budsy...

Budsy, while I drink,
you're supposed to sing.

Budsy, open your mouth
and sing!

I'm really impressed!
Charles is a really good
ventriloquist!

Jamie, that's Buddy up there!

Did you really think
he was a dummy?

Do you really think he isn't?

And now,
ladies and gentlemen...

Wally and Lil!

[ragtime music ♪]

When you're down
and feelin' blue ♪

And you don't know what
to do ♪

Grab your girl
and take her to ♪

The Yesterday Cafe ♪

If the world has
done you wrong ♪

There's one spot
that you belong ♪

The cover charge
is just a song ♪

At the Yesterday Cafe ♪

Everybody knows
there is no better place ♪

Everyone who goes there
wears a happy face ♪

So, dearie ♪

When the skies
are turning gray ♪

Don't despair
and don't delay ♪

You can chase
those clouds away ♪

At the Yes-ter-day Cafe! ♪♪

[Walter falls]

[applause]
Thank you!

Thank you
ladies and gentlemen.

You know,
ladies and gentlemen,

every once in a while, my
sister Sarah loses her head,

and being a good brother,
I have to screw it
back on for her!

Believe you me, when this
trick doesn't work...

[chuckles] It can really be
a pain in the neck!

Okay, you ready?
- Mm-hm.

[grunting]

[applause]

Thank you.

And now, here's
Felicia Fairfield
and her Flying Feet!

[organ music ♪]

This is quite a show you're
putting on, Charles!

Professor Haskins, what are
you doing here?

A young lady called me
and told me why you ran out
of my office.

So I thought I'd come down
and see for myself.

A young lady?
Sarah...

Remember, Charles, I told you
the teachers need to make

an emotional commitment
to young people.

Well, this proves to me that
you're willing to do that.

So...

Welcome to Princeton!

[applause]

[stammering]
You mean you're
accepting me?!

That's exactly what I mean.

Oh, by the way, the young
lady who called me...

It wasn't Sarah.
I believe she said
her name was Jamie.

Oh, Charles, you gotta get
onstage for the big finale.

What finale?!
- You'll see!

Jamie, wait a minute!
Wait a minute!

I...I just heard that you
called Professor Haskins
for me.

You helped me get into
Princeton, thank you.

Why would you do that?

What can I say?
Show business is my life!

Come on, we're gonna miss
the finale!

[applause]

Ladies and gentlemen, you've
been a wonderful audience!

But before we say goodbye,

we'd like to thank
our director, Charles.

And not just for directing
this show, but for also

directing our lives for the
past few years.

And well...
we'd be lost without him.

Yeah and he's gonna be
leaving us real soon and we

just wanted to show him how
much we appreciate him.

[cheers and applause]

You know, it...

takes a lot of help to put on
a show and...

I've had more help than
any one guy deserves.

Um...

As far as leaving goes...

You know, we all may go our
separate ways, but...

we'll never really
leave each other.

So...
Shows come and go, but...

Good memories...
Good memories last forever.

Excuse me, Charles, you said
you wanted to say one thing.

That was three things.

So enough talking, it's...

it's time for you
to listen now.

Yeah, we're not very good
singers, Charles, but...

we found a record that'll
tell you how we feel.

Play it, Mike!

[♪ theme music]

♪ The new boy
in the neighborhood

♪ Lives downstairs
and it's understood

♪ He's there just
to take good care of me

♪ Like he's one
of the family

♪ Charles in Charge
of our days

♪ and our nights

♪ Charles in Charge
of our wrongs

♪ and our rights

♪ And I see,
I want

♪ Charles in Charge
of me

♪ Charles in Charge
of our days

♪ and our nights

♪ Charles in Charge
of our wrongs... ♪

Oh, wow!

That was weird!

I dreamed I was an actor
named Scott Baio!

[Walter's voice]
You are an actor
named Scott Baio.

What?
- Right now, you're dreaming

that you're a college student
named Charles.

What?!
- [Sarah's voice]
That's right!

Haven't you ever wondered
why the hands on that clock
never move?

[Lillian's voice]
Haven't you ever wondered
why you have no last name?

Yeah, it did kinda
bother me, but...

[Buddy's voice]
It's because this
is your dream, Scott.

Anytime you need us, all you
have to do is close your eyes

and say, "I don't want
to wake up!!"

I don't want to wake up.

[everyone]
Hi, Charles!

We're baaack!

[♪ theme music]

♪ The new boy
in the neighborhood

♪ Lives downstairs
and it's understood

♪ He's there just
to take good care of me

♪ Like he's one
of the family

♪ Charles in Charge
of our days

♪ and our nights...

♪ And I see,
I want

♪ I want

♪ Charles in Charge
of me ♪