05x17 - All That Chaz

[bunniefuu]

[♪

[♪ theme

[♪ theme music]

♪ The new boy
in the neighborhood ♪

♪ lives downstairs
and it's understood ♪

♪ He's there just
to take good care of me ♪

♪ like he's one of the family ♪

♪ Charles in charge
of our days ♪

♪ and our nights ♪

♪ Charles in charge
of our wrongs ♪

♪ and our rights ♪

♪ And I see,
I want ♪

♪ Charles in charge
of me ♪

♪ Charles in charge
of our days ♪

♪ and our nights ♪

♪ Charles in charge
of our wrongs ♪

♪ and our rights ♪

♪ And I see,
I want ♪

♪ I want ♪

♪ Charles in charge
of me ♪♪

♪♪

- [Charles]

"B" is the chemical symbol
for boron.

"C" is copper.
No, no.

"C.U." is copper.

You talkin' to me?

You talkin' to me?

You talkin' to me?

Well, I'm the only one here.

- Charles?

- You talkin' to me?

- Yeah.
Listen, I know you're
studying for a test...

- No, no, no, Jamie.
Not a test.

It's not a test.
It's finals!

- Okay, I know.

But listen, you know,
you've been working down here
for three straight days.

I mean, please,
take tonight off,

and go out, and have
a little fun.

- You want my room,
don't you?

- Well, you know,
since you won't be here

I was thinking I could
have a few friends over...
- No, no.

Jamie, think again.
I am gonna be here.

- Fine, I was just
trying to help.

- Yeah, sure you were.
Sure, sure you're trying
to help.

You just want my room.

Everybody wants my room.
You can't have it, it's mine!

- Sweetheart?
- Ah!

Mom, don't do that.

- Oh, honey, geez.

My baby's been working
his head off.

You look terrible.

You need a rest
and a shave.

- I'm fine, Mom.
- No, you're not.

But I've got good news.

A friend of mine
has a beach house in Bermuda,

the plane leaves
at three o'clock
this afternoon.

- Mom, I have finals tomorrow.
I can't go to Bermuda.

- I know, I'm going to Bermuda.

Now, the good news is,

you don't have
to watch the diner

because your Aunt Vanessa's
going to be here.

- Oh, great.
Great.

That means I'll have to watch
the diner and Aunt Vanessa.

Thanks mom, thanks a lot.
[Lillian stammering]

- Now listen.
Your Aunt Vanessa might be
a little eccentric,

but she is very competent.

Now you study for your finals,

you don't worry about the diner,

I'll see you in a week.
Mwah.
- Okay, have fun.

- Okay.
- Boy, this is unbelievable.

First my finals attack me,

then it's Jamie,
now it's my Aunt Vanessa,

Don't tell me
this isn't a plot.

- Charles?
- Hey!

Don't do that.
- I'm sorry.

The Shakespeare Club's holding
its annual banquet tonight,

and I'm getting an award.
- Good, great.

- I know you wanna be there.

- No, Sarah,
I can't be there.

You know why
I can't be there?

Do you want to know why
I can't be there?

Because a man under pressure
doesn't go to banquets,

he goes to pieces.

- Well.
Excuse me!

Sorry I mentioned it.
- No, you're not.
You're not sorry at all.

You're not sorry.
This is all part
of the conspiracy.

- Hey, Charles!
- Ah!

Don't do that.

- You remember Nurse Bennett.
- Yeah, hi, Nurse.

- Charles, I need a favor.

Would you mind taking
my sociology test
for me tomorrow?

- You want me
to take your test?

- Well, I'd do it myself,
but I'm pretty tied up

with my wedding plans.

- What, what?
Wait a minute.
Bu-Buddy, Buddy.

What wedding plans?

- Our wedding plans.

Mr. Lembeck and I
are getting married
next Tuesday.

The ceremony will be held
in the operating room
of County Memorial Hospital.

Needless to say,
the bride will wear white.

- Excuse me, Nurse.
Buddy, may I speak with you
for a moment?

How could you get married?

You don't even
have a job, Buddy.

You have to finish college.

You're only one year
and 120 credits away
from a degree.

- No, Charles.
I'm giving up my degree
for the woman I love.

And if you don't want to take
my test for me,

fine, forget it.

But don't try to ruin
our wedding plans.

Come Nurse Bennett,
my little carrot stick.

- Yes, Mr. Lembeck,
my pet onion ring.

This is incredible.
Even Buddy's after me.

Everybody's out to get me.

Everybody...

I gotta lock my door.

- Oh, sorry, Charles.

Uh, listen, I need some help
with my math homework, okay?

- Charles!
You know, Charles,
I was thinking,

You could study upstairs
while I have my party down here.

- Charles, I really think
you should go to the banquet
with me.

[Charles groans]

- Why is he on the floor?

- Don't ask me,
I didn't hit him
in the head.

- Uh.
Whoa.

My aching head...

Boy, from now on,
is my limit, man.

[New York accent]
Hey, hey look who's here.

Look who's here,
it's my favorite,
All-American kiddies!

How you guys doin', eh?

Ain't you gonna say hello
to your Uncle Chaz?

- Chaz?
Oh, no, he's back.

- That's right, that's right.
Chaz Lamborghini is back.

And he's ready to party down,
you know what I'm sayin'?

Hey you,
you got any cash on you?

Throw me a few dollars,
come on.

Come on, thanks a lot.
Thanks a lot.

Hey watch it, Shorty.
Stretch.

Strech, I want you
to do me a favor,

I want you to go down
to the liquor store,

and pick me up a couple
of six-packs of beer,
all right?

- I'm not old enough
to buy beer.

- No sweat.
You know what
I'm gonna do for you?

I'm gonna get you
a fake I.D.

You know what I mean, baby?

- He's worse than he was before.

- Hey Button-Nose,
why don't you loosen up, eh?

You act like you couldn't swing
if we hung ya.

I gotta get outta here.
Gotta get out of these
Liberace clothes

and get some decent threads.
I'll talk to youse later,
all right?

- How did this happen?

- All I know is the last time
Charles turned into Chaz,

it was because he was under
a lot of pressure

and he bumped his head.

Adam, you wouldn't
have mentioned

not hitting Charles
in the head

unless you had hit him
in the head.

That means you did hit him
in the head.

- [stammering]
I just opened the door.

The door hit him in the head.

Oh man,
when Grandpa finds out
about this,

I'm gonna be in big trouble.

- You won't be alone, Adam.

If Chaz is back,
we're all in big trouble.

♪♪

- h*, h*, h*, h*!
h*, h*, h*, h*!

♪♪

- Hey.
Hey!

Look who's here,
it's Buddy boy!

Hey man,
look who I run into,

my ex-old lady,
Tiffany.

Tiffany, say hello
to Nurse Bent.

- That's "Bennett."

- Hey, Nurse Bent, nice outfit.

- This is my uniform.

- Uniform?

You mean you're a cop?

- Why don't you put it together,
Tiffany, all right?

She's not a cop!
If she was a cop,

they wouldn't call her
Nurse Bent.

They'd call her Nurse "Cop."

Oh listen, that reminds me,
listen, Buddy boy.

we're inviting you
to a little bash
in honor of the fact

that me and Tiffany
are splittin' town
in a little while.

- What are you
talking about, Charles?

You have to take finals
tomorrow.

- Hey, don't call me Charles,
all right?
My name is Chaz.

And I ain't takin' no finals.

Me and Tiffany are goin'
to California.

She's got
a righteous motorcycle,
know what I'm sayin'?

- Yeah, my late dead boyfriend,
Big Al,

left it to me in his will.

It was hardly scratched
in the accident.

Big Al was always lucky
that way.

[laughs]

- All right, let's get out.
We better go home
and tell the Powells

to get outta the house
for our bash, you know?

In case little bit later,
you and me feel like
a little bada-bing, bada-bang,

you know what I'm saying?

Talk to youse later.

- Did you hear that,
Nurse Bennett,
my love toboggan?

Charles has lost
his identity again.

We've got to rescue him
and we got to do it right now!

- Oh yes, Mr. Lembeck,
my darling.

Everything I have
is at your disposal.

- In that case,
let's rescue him later.

♪♪

- Hi, Sarah!

- Hi, Grandpa.
- Sarah...

Why the long face?
Cheer up.

The sun is shining,
the sky is blue.

And there's a Harley-Davidson
in our living room.

- Disgusting.
They're in the kitchen
eating with their hands.

Oh, hi Grandpa.

- Who's in the kitchen
eating with their hands?

- Uh... Mice!

- What's going on here?
What's going on here?

- It's Charles.
He turned into Chaz again.

He's in the kitchen with Tiffany
and that's her motorcycle.

- Chaz?
Tiffany?

- Hello, darlings!

Yes, it is I,

the beautifully dressed,

but lovable,

Aunt Vanessa!

- [children]
Hi, Aunt Vanessa!

- Oh Vanessa, how good it is
to see you again.

- Walter Powell.

You, with
the Robert Redford face

and the Bette Davis eyes.

Children!
Children, sit down

and let me look at you.

Better yet, sit down
and look at me.

- Hey Walt, you wanna
keep it down in here?

We can hardly hear ourselves
burp, all right?

- Charles, darling, 'tis I,
your Aunt Vanessa.

- Yo, Auntie Vant,
it's me, Chaz,

how they hangin'?

Auntie Vant,
I want you to meet my girl,
Tiffany.

Hey Tiffany, get out here.

Tiffany, this is my Auntie Vant.
Auntie Vant, this is Tiffany.

- Pleased to meet you, I'm sure.

Honey, we gotta go
get a case of brewskys.

Oh yeah, that's right,
that's right.
Listen, Waldo...

I forgot to tell ya,
we're havin' a party here
in a little while

so if I was you,
and thank God I'm not,

I'd take these little kids
to a b*mb shelter,

you know what I'm sayin'?

All right,
let's get outta here, Tiffany.

Right, we'll see youse later.
Open the door for me
next time, all right...

- Vanessa, I'm sorry,
but as you can see,
Charles has changed.

- Yes, I just wish he'd change

into something
a little more stylish.

- No, it's not his outfits,
it's his personality.

- Oh, but that's no excuse,
darling, no!

Oh, I've changed personalities
a million times,

and it has never affected
my taste in clothes.

- Mr. Powell?

Aunt Vanessa, everybody,

I have bad news.

I'm afraid Charles has turned
into Chaz again.

Oh, it's awful!

- Lembeck, we know that.

- Right.

Now the last time this happened,
a blow on the head
brought him back.

I guess we'll just have
to hit him on the head
with a hammer again.

- A word of caution,
Mr. Lembeck.

It might not work this time.

It could also be quite risky.

Medically speaking,
when there is repeated trauma
to the cranial area,

the patient's skull could crack
like an egg shell.

- That gives me an idea.

Why don't we all go to lunch?

[laughing]

[groans]

- What am I doing
in these clothes?

Why am I in the kitchen?

I have to study
for my finals.

Ow...

All right, where's
that airhead, Tiffany?

Ow...

- Charles?

- Again, Charles, why?

My name is Chaz.
Can't you people
call me Chaz?

- Chaz, you're still Chaz.
- Yeah, thank you,

listen,
lemme ask you a question.

Have you seen Tiffany, huh?

How long does it take
to gas up a freakin' bike?

I'm gonna go look for her.
I'll talk to you later,
all right?

- Where's Charles?
- Where's Charles?

- Where's Charles?
- Where's Charles?

- Bad news, folks.
The blow on the head
didn't do any good this time.

Charles is still Chaz.

- Yo, hey Lameduck.

- It's Lembeck.
- Whatever.

Listen, Waldo,
in case you don't know,

I'm splittin' town
in an hour, all right?

So if I was you,

I'd get me a present
for my going-away bash,
you know what I'm sayin'?

I'll talk to youse later.

- Did you hear that,
Mr. Powell?

Chaz is splitting and he's
taking Charles with him.

You know what that means?
- I do.

It means we've lost Charles
forever.

♪♪

♪♪

[doorbell]

- You called, Mr. Lembeck,
my pumpkin?

- Yes, Nurse Bennett,
my artichoke.

The bump on the head
didn't cure Charles.

What else can we do?

- Hmm... Well.

There is one more method.

In cases like this,

a close relative can sometimes

reactivate the patient's memory.

Where are his parents?

- Well, his father died
a few years ago,

and his mother's in Bermuda.

- Can you think of anyone else

who knew Charles when
he was a child?

- Hello, darlings.

- Aunt Vanessa, you're perfect.

- I know, it's a curse.

- No, Nurse Bennett says,
if you talk to Charles

about his childhood,
he might get well.

Will you do it?

- Of course.

As usual, it's Aunt Vanessa
to the rescue.

- Whoa, whoa.
I thought I told ya

to take the Brady Bunch
and split.

It's almost time
for my farewell bash.

Yeah, speaking of which,
where do ya want the beer, Chaz?
It's gettin' heavy.

- I want you to throw 'em
downstairs in the basement

and put yourself
there too, Tiff.

- Oh, you got, big bad Chaz.

- Um, Charles-- er, Chaz...
- Chaz, Chaz, thanks a lot...

- Aunt Vanessa wants
to talk to you.

Aunt Vanessa, go ahead
and talk to him.

- Yeah, nice outfit there,
Auntie Vant.

Kinda like Elvis in drag.

Oh, ha, ha, ha.
How dear, how original.

Now, darling, I have
a surprise for you.

- Yeah?
- We are going to dinner,

Just the two of us.

- Oh, oh,
I am sorry Auntie Vant,

But Tiffany's here, you know?

And that would be kinda like,
cruel and insensitive

for me to leave without her.

- What if I pick up the check?

- Let's go.
- All right.

- You see, Lembeck?
Charles is as good
as cured.

- But what if it
doesn't work?

Maybe I should hit him
on the head just once
for good luck.

- No, no, no, you heard
what Nurse Bennett said,

that it would be like
cracking an egg.

- Why is everybody worried
about eggs, all of a sudden?

What, are they
an endangered species?

Are they being
systematically destroyed
by poachers?

What's the deal?

- You're a nurse.

Take this man out
and have him shot.

- But Chaz and Aunt Vanessa left
almost an hour ago.

That means Charles will be
leaving for California
any minute now.

- No, he won't, Lembeck.

Once Vanessa gets through
with Charles,

he's forget all about
this low-class Chaz person.

She's probably got him
straightened out right now.

Vanessa's highly sophisticated,
very cultured, and extremely
well-bred.

- Yo, darlings!

'Tis I.

The Queen of the Bikers.

Big bad Vanessa.
- All right.

We're just
passing through here,
we're just passing through.

We'd have been here sooner,

but we stopped off
to get tattooed.

Listen, me and Auntie Vant,
we're having a bike ride,

so if you guys,
anybody here sees Tiffany,

you tell her to get ready
to roll, all right?

I'll talk to ya later.
Let's go, Auntie Vant.

- Good Lord.

- You see?
It didn't work.

- Grandpa,
I thought Aunt Vanessa

was supposed to turn
Charles around.

- Yeah, it's more like
he turned her around.

- I knew I should've hit him
on the head.

- No, no, that won't work.
I hit him on the head
this morning.

It didn't do any good.

- What do you mean,
you hit him on the head
this morning?

I hit him on the head
this morning.

- So did I.
- Me too.

- Halt!

If you all hit him
on the head,

he must have been Charles
when the last person hit him.

You obviously hit him
once too often.

- You know what?

That means he needs
to be hit one more time.

Which one of us
is gonna do it?

- We'll draw straws.
- Good idea.

- Congratulations, Lembeck,
you just won.

Remember, this is
your last chance.

Just, don't hit Charles
too hard, okay?

Shh!
There's someone coming
up the walk.

This is it, Lembeck.

Do it right.

[exclaims]

- Shh!
Shh!

Shh!

- Was it something I said?

- No, um...
Actually,

It's an old New Jersey custom.

It means, "To your health."

But it doesn't hurt,
I promise, look.

- Where's Charles?
- Charles is on
the front lawn.

We had the slightest
motorcycle accident,

and he's out front,
quite unconscious.
- What?

Come on, Lembeck, come on.
Lembeck?

Lembeck.

Let's go.

- I've been waiting
for over two hours.

Now Chaz said that this was
gonna be a small party,

but I did not know I was
gonna be the only one there.

Where is he?

- He's on his way in, darling.

- Easy, easy,
easy, easy.

Easy, there we go.
Come on.

Put him on the couch.
- What happened?

- It was all his fault.

If he'd stayed on the motorcycle
when I ran into the tree,

he'd be all right.

Instead, he chose to go
flying off into a wall.

- Get Nurse Bennett.

- You were driving
Big Al's bike?

- Yes, dear, and it was
my first time, too.

- Stand aside, Mr. Powell.

I'll have to administer CPR.

- Hey, you get away
from him, you nurse!

I'll handle this.

- More.

- Oh, good, he's conscious.

Excuse me, I have
a diner to run.

I shall return.

- How's that?
- Uh, great.

Who are you?

- What do you mean,
who am I?

Why are you
talking crazy, Chaz?

- My name isn't Chaz.
It's Charles.

- [all] Charles?

- Hey, quit
kidding around, Chaz!

Come on, we gotta be
goin' to California!

- I have to study
for my finals!

- Welcome home, Charles!

I'm going to go tell the kids!

- All right, that does it.
I've had it with you, Chaz.

I'm outta here.

As Big Al always used
to tell me,

if you got something to say,

shut up.

- Who was that woman?

What am I doing
in the living room?

I gotta study for my finals.

Charles, you black out again,
but you didn't miss much.

Actually, it's been
a pretty dull day.

- The day is over?
Oh, I gotta study for my finals.

- I'd help you, but I'm still
pretty busy with
my wedding plans.

- No, no, Mr. Lembeck.
I've been observing you.

You are unbelievably
attractive,

but incredibly unintelligent.

Get an education,
then we'll talk wedding.

- Great idea, Nurse Bennett,
my peach.

- Thank you, Mr. Lembeck,
my lemon.

Goodbye, Charles.
- Bye, Nurse.

- Charles, Grandpa said
you were all right.

So, now that you're back,

can I borrow your room
for my party tonight?

- Only if Charles will go
to the Shakespeare Club with me.

- No, he has to stay here
and help me with
my math homework.

- Kids, please stop
pressuring the lad.

- Oh, everybody relax,
this is all my fault.

The only pressure I have
is the pressure I put
on myself.

Now, I gotta stop
doing that, all right?

There's time for everything.

[sighs]
Now, I'll tell you what.
Jamie?

You can use my room
for the party,

while I go
to Sarah's banquet.

And Adam, I will help you
with your homework

while I get dressed.
I can study later, okay?

- [all]
Thank you, Charles!
- Okay.

- You know, Charles,
you're absolutely right.

You do have time
for everything.
So, um...

Would you mind taking
my sociology test
for me tomorrow?

[sighs]

- You'll never take me alive,
Charles!

- I'm not planning to.

♪♪

- Hey Adam,
what are you doing?

- I'm waiting for Charles
to help me with my homework.

- Oh, well, where is he?

- He's busy right now.
- Oh.

- Hi, what are you guys doing?

- Oh, we're just waiting
for Charles.

- So am I, where is he?

- He's busy right now.
- Oh.

- It's nice having everything
back to normal, isn't it?

- [both] Yeah.

[♪ theme music]

♪ Charles in charge
of our days ♪

♪ and our nights ♪

♪ Charles in charge
of our wrongs ♪

♪ and our rights ♪

♪ And I see,
I want ♪

♪ I want ♪

♪ Charles in charge
of me ♪

♪♪

♪ Charles in charge ♪♪

[fanfare]