04x14 - Charles Splits: Part 1

[bunniefuu]

[♪ theme music]

♪ The new boy
in the neighborhood ♪

♪ Lives downstairs
and it's understood ♪

♪ He's there just
to take good care of me ♪

♪ Like he's one of the family ♪

♪ Charles in charge
of our days ♪

♪ and our nights ♪

♪ Charles in charge
of our wrongs ♪

♪ and our rights ♪

♪ And I see,
I want ♪

♪ Charles in charge
of me ♪

♪ Charles in charge
of our days ♪

♪ and our nights ♪

♪ Charles in charge
of our wrongs ♪

♪ and our rights ♪

♪ And I see,
I want ♪

♪ I want ♪

♪ Charles in charge
of me ♪♪

[♪ ♪]

- Warrr!
Die, Zorbitron!
Whap whap whap!

Oh no, the Cosmoids are
in the decompression chamber!

Zap zap zap!

- Hi Mom, Sorry I'm late.

The history lecture
went overtime.

- Oh, sweetheart, that's ok.

Jamie and Sarah are upstairs.

Adam isn't home from school yet,
Walter is still at work,

All is quiet on the home front.
- Oh, good.

- Pow-pow-pow-pow-pow!

- The rest of the galaxy
is in total chaos.

When Buddy found out
I was watching the house,

he offered to come
and keep me company.

- Ooh.
Buddy...

- Hi Charles.
I was just keeping
your mom company.

Where is she?

- Over here.

- I'm about to leave.
- Oh... Bye.

Charles, listen, you want
to sh**t some pool tonight,

or maybe get a tattoo?

- As tempting as that
offer sounds, Buddy,

I think I'll pass-a-dena.

I told Jocelyn that I'd take her
to a movie tonight.

- Oh, sweetheart.

I'm so glad you like Jocelyn.

She's a very good influence
on you.

- What am I,
the Prince of Darkness?

No, Buddy, you're a young man.

Young men all need
a gentle girl like Jocelyn

to smooth those rough edges.

I'll be at the diner.
You be good boys.
- Bye, Mom, thanks.

- You know Charles,
that's what's wrong with you.

Every time you go out
with Jocelyn,

your edges get
a little smoother.

I never thought I'd
see the day

when you would let
a woman push you around.

- Buddy, Jocelyn does not
push me around.

The only reason I let her
smooth my rough edges

is because it makes her happy.

And when I make her happy...

She makes me happy.

- [a la Charles]
And when I make her happy...

She makes me happy.

I wish you could
hear yourself, Charles.

Jocelyn is turning you into
a namby-pamby,

wishy-washy poop-squeak.

- Buddy, Jocelyn happens
to be very cultured,

extremely civilized,

and unbelievably sexy, okay?

The way I see it,
being a poop-squeak

is a small price to pay
for a woman like that.

- No, no, no!
That's a big price.

Listen, Charles,
I like sexy women

just as much as the next guy,

but I'd never pay that price.

Fifty bucks is about my limit.

What are you doing?
- I'm trying to pick a movie
that Jocelyn might like.

- Oh, oh sure.
There you go.

You're even afraid to pick
your own movie.
- What, I am not!

[arguing over each other]

You want me to pick a movie?
I'll pick a movie.

[door bell]
Hang on a second.

Hey, Jocelyn!
Come on in.
- Hey Charles.

Hi Buddy.
- Hi Jocelyn.

Charles just grew
another rough edge,

I hope you brought
your sandpaper along.

- We still on for tonight?
- Sure.

I haven't been to a good movie
in weeks.

What are going to see?
- Anything you want.

- If I might make a suggestion,

the student theater is having

a lovely Dirty Harry
film festival this weekend.

- Oh yeah?
Oh, Dirty Harry 's the baddest,

the meanest, the toughest...

The most disgusting guy
I've ever seen.

We don't like
Dirty Harry , do we?
- Right.

- [faking sneeze]
Wishy-washy!

- Violent movies only appeal

to the dark side
of human nature.

They unleash the beast in man,

and once the beast gets out,
it'll eat away

the very fabric of civilization.

- All right,
you hear that Buddy?
We don't want any beast

eating our fabric.

- Heavens to Betsy, no.

We would want to get a run
in our pantyhose, would we?

- Earl Dawson's gonna
bite the big one.

Where's my baseball bat?

- Hey, hey, hey,
Adam, come here.

Hey, relax.

You been fighting?
- No.

Earl Dawson's been fighting.

He knocked me down
and tap-danced on my head.

- Well, what did you do?

- Oh, I ad-libbed a lot
of great lines, like,

"Help... Stop... Ouch."

And, "I give up."

What could I do?
Earl is twice as big as I am.

- Yeah, well the next time
you see Earl,

you walk right up to him...

- Charles?

- And, um...

Extend your hand
in a gesture of friendship.

- What if he punches me?
- Well, then you...

Um...

Well, then you turn
the other cheek, Adam.

- Thank you, Charles.

You see, Adam, violence
only breeds more violence.

Come on, let's get you
cleaned up.

Then we'll all go to the diner
for some ice cream.

- Hello?

Is Charles there?

No, Charles is gone for good,

but we do have a poop-squeak
that looks like Charles.

- Would you knock it off,
Buddy, okay?

You think I wanted to tell Adam
to turn the other cheek, huh?

No, I wanted to tell him
to go and kick Earl's butt

and let Earl turn
the other cheek.

I wanted to tell him
to unleash his beast.

- Well then, why didn't you?
- Because Jocelyn was here.

I had to set
a good example, Buddy.

I don't want her to think
I'm some kind of
uncivilized animal.

- In other words, you wimped out
because of a woman,

and it's not healthy, Charles.

Now, what are you gonna do,

when your beast starts
crying to get out?

- All right,
my favorite booth is open.
Here we go.

Hey-ey-ey,
what's goin' on here?

- Hey, how you doing, Lyle?
- I ain't doin' so good.

This is our booth.

- Oh, really?

I didn't see your name on it.

- Yeah, well me an' Tiffany
was just about to sit down here.

So bug off, Charles.
- Yeah, bug off, Charles.

- Shut up, Tiffany, all right?

- Charles, it really doesn't
matter to me where we sit.

- Me neither, as long
as youse don't sit here.

- Yeah.
Here.

- Tiffany wants to sit
in the booth youse guys is in.

- Youse guys?

Oh wow, I forgot that
"youse" was an "Englitch" major.

Look, Lyle, why don't you take
a hike, all right?

- Ooh, he's spunky.
I love spunky men.

And he's cute too.

- Charles...

Is youse trying
to pick up my chick?

[laughs]

I don't like that.

- How about I do something
you're gonna like
even less, Lyle.

- Yeah, he's going
to extend his hand

in a gesture of friendship.

- Right, that's right.
But first...

I'm going to extend my fist
in a gesture of punch.

- Charles...

- [sighs]

Lyle, you're a lucky man.

Let's forget about
the whole thing, okay?

- Is there a problem, boys?

- Uh, no Mom,
everything is fine.

- [laughs]
Mom?
Mom?

Come on, Tiffany, we don't want
to get Mom all excited
or anything.

She might throw a gasket
or something,
know what I'm saying?

- I still think you're cute.

- Charles, I can't believe
you didn't pop that guy.

- Charles didn't pop him
because Charles is civilized.

- You call that being civilized?

In junior high, we call it
being "chicken."

- Well, in college, uh...

We call it being in love.

I'm telling you, Buddy,
it's like I'm being tested.

Lyle Corman tried to pick
a fight with me today

just to impress his girlfriend.

- Well, did you cream him?
- No.

No, I wouldn't lower myself
to his level.

Besides, Adam was there,
and I had to set a good example.

- You mean, Jocelyn was there,

and you had to act like
the civilized man
she wants you to be.

Buddy, I'm under
enough pressure as it is

without you adding to it, okay?

Now look, Jocelyn and I are
going to a movie tonight,

you wanna take your nurse friend
and come with us?

- Oh no, we can't.
Nurse Bennett has
to work tonight.

But we can meet you
at the diner later, okay?
- Okay.

- Oh, by the way,
what movie are you gonna see?

Cinderella.

- [bursts out laughing]

- Hey, that happens to be
my all-time favorite movie!

- Charles...

Did you know that Adam
got into a fight
with Earl Dawson?

- Yeah, and he got a black eye.

- No, Adam didn't get
a black eye.
He just got his face dirty.

- No, Charles, that was
the first fight.

In the second fight,
he got a black eye.

- Yeah, he said you told him
to make friends with Earl.

Well, he tried,
and Earl slugged him.

- Adam's up in his room,
muttering something about

poison darts
and high expl*sives.

- I wish you'd talk to him.
- Fine, I'll talk to him,

as soon as I get changed.
- No, Charles, it can't wait.

Okay, look, I'll tell Adam
to come down here.

Because if you don't do
something about this,

I'm going to have to.

Nobody punches out
my little brother but me.

- Poor Adam, I didn't know
what to tell him.

Charles, do guys ever
start fights with you?
- Um...

Once in a while.
- What do you do?

- Well, naturally, I, uh,
try to talk my way out of it.

- Good for you.
- Yeah.

- Uh, what do you do if you
can't talk your way out of it?

- Well, then I, um...

You know, I can't decide
which shirt to wear,
and I like them all.

- Charles, you didn't
answer my question.

What do you do if you can't
talk your way out of a fight?

- What is this, Meet the Press ?

Sarah, I'm under a lot
of pressure, here.

Everybody wants me to be
somebody else,

I'm losing track of who I was,

before I started trying to be
who I wasn't!

No excuse me, I have to change.

[loud bang]
Oww!

Ow-ow-ow-ow!
- Charles?

Charles?
Charles?

- [tough New York accent]
Whatta you doin' down here?

This is a man's bedroom,
ain't you got no class?

- What?

- What are you,
hard of hearing, eh?

Hey, whose clothes
are these, Prince's?

I can't wear that crapola.

What you lookin' at?

- Charles, those are
your shirts.

- What?
No way, forget about it!

And hey, hey.
Don't call me Charles.

- What should I call you?
- You call me by

my right name, "Chaz."

- You can talk all you want,
it won't do any good.

I'm very upset.

- Hey, Adam!
What's the problem, man?

- Didn't Jamie tell you?
- What?

- Earl Dawson clobbered me!

- Yeah?
Yeah, is that right?

You know what, you do unto Earl
as he did to you, okay?

Next time you see him,
you catch him when he ain't
prepared, all right?

Then you get a two-by-four,

and you whack him, bada-bing,

right on the side of the head,
know what I'm talking about?

- I thought I was supposed
to make friends with him.

- Oh yeah, yeah,
you are, but first,

you gotta get his attention,
all right?

Now I gotta get outta here.

I gotta go buy
some real clothes,

I got a hot date tonight.

And I can't go walkin' 'round,
lookin' like

some freakin' fruitcake
Count of Monte Cristo .

Hey, know what
I'm talkin' about?

I'll check youse later,
all right?

- What's wrong with Charles?

- I don't know, when he said
he was going into
the laundry room to change,

I thought he was talking
about his shirt.

- I cannot believe
I let you force me

into seeing that terrible movie.

- C'mon, you don't like Rambo?
What are you, some kind
of Communist?

Hey, have some popcorn,
all right?

- Charles, I don't know
what you're trying
to prove, but...

- Hey-hey-hey-hey.

You call me Chaz, all right?

- What is wrong with you?

You're not behaving
like a gentleman.

- Oh yeah?

Yeah, you know what?
'Cause I ain't no gentleman,
I'm a man.

And that's the problem here.
I need a woman

who knows how to treat me
like a man, capisce ?

- Hi Jocelyn...
- How you doin'?

- Hi, Charles.

- Nurse Bennett should be here
any minute now...
- Oh yeah, yeah, that's good,

you know why?
'Cause Lyle Corman
just walked in,

and I think he's gonna
need a nurse.
Hang out for a minute.

Hey babe, ready for
a little action tonight?

- Beat it, Charles...

[groans]

- Now what's your name?
It's Tiffany, right?

It's a nice name.

- Thanks.
- Ow!

- Hey, how come you hang out
with this mamaluke over here?

- How do I know you're
not a mamaluke ?

- Tiffany, well...
- Ow!

- There's only one way
to find out.
Why don't we blow this joint?

- Oww!

- What about Lyle?

- What, Lyle?
Oh, Lyle can't go nowhere,
didn't you hear?

He's got this pinched-nerve
thing in his neck.

And if he moves,
the pain gets worse.

And he could lose
his entire face.

You with me, or what?
- Sure, why not?

- All right.
Hey Lyle, don't pick
no fights with nobody,

it gets you into trouble,
know what I'm talkin' about?

- Oh, sweetheart...
- Oh, Ma, Ma, Ma.

Get a load of Tiffany.
She's with me.

- Pleased to meet you,
I'm sure.

- Hi.

I thought you were here
with Jocelyn.

- No, no, no, Mom,

Why you gotta
bust my onions?

- Because I'm your mother.

- Hey, now I know
why you call her "Ma."

She's your mother.
[laughs]

- Charles.
- Yeah?

- Jocelyn is getting
really upset.
- Hey, what?

Hey, you tell Jocelyn
to cop a walk, okay?

You tell her I found somebody
who knows who to treat me
like a man.

And my name ain't Charles.

It's Chaz, all right?

But me an' Tiffany
gotta get outta here,

we gotta go check out
a Dirty Harry flick.

- Dirty Harry ?
- What, you gotta
problem with that?

- Me?
No, you're in charge.

Yeah, don't you forget it.
I'll check youse later.

- Yo, Jocelyn, you lookin'
kinda lonely, eh?

- It was just plain weird.
I've never seen Charles act
this way before.

- It's an epidemic of insanity.

I mean, first Buddy goes,
and then Charles.

Jamie's right on the edge,
she'll probably be next.

- Yeah, keep it up, goobatron,
and I'll close your other eye.

- Hello, young pals,
how goes the battle?

- I think our side
is losing, Grampa.

- Oh, problems?
- Yeah, it's Charles.

He's acting very strange.

- Yeah, first he says to make
friends with Earl Dawson,

and now he tells me to whack him
upside the head.

- Oh, I think he's joking.

- I really
don't think so, Grampa.

This morning, Charles told me
if I had any brains at all,

I would quit school,
and find myself some rich guy
to live with.

- What?
- He said something even worse
that that to me.

- What could be worse than that?
- I asked him a question.

He said,
"It don't make no difference."

That's a double negative.

- Oh, yeah right, Sarah.
It's the old story.

You let a guy get away
with k*lling people,

and the next thing you know,
he'll split an infinitive.

- Come on, kids, you're off
to school right now.
Come on, come on.

I have a feeling that Charles
is just putting you on,

but I'll be happy to have
a talk with him.

- You can talk to him, Grampa,

but I don't think you're
gonna be happy.

- Hi.
- Hi.

- Mr. Powell, is Charles
back in his head yet?

- What?

- Charles.
Yesterday, Jocelyn
was in his head,

and I told him to get her out.
And he did.

But Chaz moved in.

- You'll be lucky if someone
moves into your head, Lembeck.

Lord knows there's a vacancy.

- Oh, it's all my fault,
Mr. Powell.

I told Charles to let
his beast out.

- Lembeck, I don't know
what's going on.

All I do know is that
Charles is a very stable person.

- Hey, what's up, Waldo?

- I beg your pardon?
- Oh.

This is Tiffany Kovak.
She's with me.

- Pleased to meet you, Waldo.

Listen, Waldo, me an' Tiffany
will be downstairs in my room,

so don't walk in unexpectedly,
or nothin' like that,
if you know what I mean.

[laughing]

- Charles, are you all right?

- Buddy, tell Popeye the sailor
here what my name is.

- Chaz.

- All right, that's better.
All right, listen, Waldo,
do me a favor.

Go out and get me
a six-pack, all right?

And leave outside my back door.
Keep the change.

- This is unbelievable.

- You're telling me!

Overnight, Charles turned
into Chaz,

and you turned into "Waldo."

This is scary.

I mean, is it possible,

that I, too, am about to undergo
a sudden personality change?

- All we can do is hope.

Fact is, we're here because
we all care about Charles.

And I'm afraid he's having
a nervous breakdown.

Now, the question is,
what do we do about it?

- Walter, I'm his mother.
He'll listen to me.

If he's having
a nervous breakdown,

I'll tell him to stop.

- No offense, Lillian,
but I think he needs

professional help.
He called me Waldo.

- Oh, maybe he's just going
through a phase.

I'll go downstairs
and talk to him.

- No, no, they're gone.

He and Tiffany left
about an hour ago.

They said they were going
to a roller derby.

- He can't go
to a roller derby.

He gets motion sickness.

- Aha!
That's what's wrong with him.

If we can get him
to stop moving,

then maybe he'll get better.

- I doubt it, Lembeck.

You're not moving,
and you're not at all well.

- Nurse Bennett.
- What?

- Nurse Bennett, she's the nurse
that took care of me

when I was down at the hospital.

If there's anything wrong
with Charles,

she'll spot it in a second.

- Well, that's not a bad idea.
How well do you know this nurse?

- Well, we've been going steady
for six weeks.

We're practically engaged.

- All right, all right,
I'll give her a call.
Lembeck...

Lembeck, what's Nurse Bennett's
first name?

- Nurse.

- Guess what?
Chaz stopped by my school today,

and talked to Earl Dawson.

- You mean Charles?
- Oh yeah.

See, he told Earl if he ever
touched me again,

he'd be wearing his teeth
on the outside of his lips.

It's great!
It's like having
your own pit bull.

[phone rings]
- Oh, oh, I'll get it.
- All right.

- You go ahead and call
the nurse.
I'm calling my Uncle Frank.

He's had experience with
these kinds of cases.

- Is he a doctor?
- No, he's an exorcist.

- You see, you see?
Now Lillian's upset.

Lembeck.

There isn't a chance
that this whole thing

is a prank, is there?

- What whole thing?

- Grampa, Grampa!
That was Charles on the phone.

He wants us to come down
to the Brock Building
on Fourth Street right away!

- Why, is he in trouble?
- No, but he will be if we're
not down there in three minutes.

- Three, three minutes?
Three minutes?

- Whoa!
Put a sock in it!

- [coughing]

Excuse me.
I've got a slight cold.

I'll take a little
cough medicine here.

[out of breath]
You have the ring?

- The what?
- Do you have the ring?

- Oh, the ring!
Uh...

Yeah, yeah, I got the ring.
Hang on a second,
hang on a second.

Hey, how you doin'.

Thank you, that's a nice
mustache you got.

Here you go, go ahead.

- Uh, do you, uh...
Tiffany, take,
uh, Chaz,

to be your lawfully
wedded husband?

- I do.

- Great.
Do you, Chaz,

take, uh, Tiffany,
to be your lawfully
wedded wife?

- You better believe it.

- Then by the power
vested in me

in the state of, uh...

- New Jersey!
- New Jersey, thank you.

- Another mamaluke .

- [coughs]
Just...

I now pronounce you
man and wife.

- Uh, Charles...

- Hey, Waldo!

All right!
All right, I'm glad
you could be here

when I married the woman
that I love.

Hey Tiffany, why don't you
go wait in the truck, all right?

- Sure thing, sweetheart.
- Hey, I gotta tell
you guys something.

I gotta tell ya...

It's the happiest day
of my freakin' life,

and I just wanted you guys
to share it with me,
you know?

- Well, of course, of course,
we wanted to share it with you.

[muttering in agreement]

- Thanks a lot!
Hey Bob, how much?

- Oh, it's a hundred dollars.

- No way, for a justice
of the peace?
Forget about it.

- Okay, twenty dollars.

- All right, all right,
you got a deal.

Yeah, you guys?
I just saved you eighty bucks.

You can thank me later,
I'll see you.

- Excuse me.

[♪ theme music]

♪ Charles in charge
of our days ♪

♪ and our nights ♪

♪ Charles in charge
of our wrongs ♪

♪ and our rights ♪

♪ And I see,
I want ♪

♪ I want ♪

♪ Charles in charge
of me ♪

♪ Charles in charge ♪♪