04x02 - Ninny and the Professor

[bunniefuu]

♪ The new boy
in the neighborhood ♪

♪ lives down stairs
and is understood ♪

♪ He's there
just to take good care of me ♪

♪ like he's one of the family ♪

♪ Charles in charge of our days
and our nights ♪

♪ Charles in charge
of our wrongs and our rights,
and I see ♪

♪ I want
Charles in charge of me ♪

♪ Charles in charge of our days
and our nights. ♪

♪Charles in charge of our wrongs
and our rights,
and I see ♪

♪ I want, I want
Charles in charge of me ♪

[Charles]
Good session today, Karen.

Now next week we'll get into
" The Naked and the Dead ."

Okay, I'll see you then.

[Jamie] A handshake
instead of a kiss,

you're slipping Charles.

- No Jamie, I'm tutoring.

I'm moving up
in the teaching world.

- So if it means
you don't have time to

kiss your date, what good is it?

- Karen is not my date.

My relationship with her
is strictly tutor to tutee.

- Oh right and next
you're gonna tell me

" The Naked and the Dead "
is a book or something.

- That's a very
lucky guess Jamie.

You know at least she's trying
to get an education.

You'd do well
to model yourself after her.

- Get real Charles.

I could never model myself
after someone who wears

peach nail polish
with coral lipstick.

[doorbell]

[Buddy]
No no no Professor Flack.

All I'm saying
is that you would have

more American Lit majors
if your course

included comic books.

[Flack] I can't accept that
as an objective opinion

coming as it does
from a living cartoon.

Charles, I'm here
for the research material.

- You're doing research?
you mean like,

like Dr. Frankenstein?

[Charles] No, Igor.

I'm doing research for
Professor Flack's essay and

it's going to be printed in the
New England Literary Journal.

Here you go sir, all done.

- Oh Charles, you've done

a wonderful job
with this material.

- I've tried, sir.

- I want you to take over
study group this month.

- Oh I'd like that very much.

- Now uh they're a good bunch.

At least they're civilized
normal human beings.

- Professor, there seems to be
one name here

circled in red.
It's M. Carlyle.

- Uh yes, that means
she's a dangerous psychopath.

The group has
your home address

and they'll be here at 7:30.

[Buddy] Whoa hold it, hold it.

The deal's off,
Charles can't teach

a study group tonight.
We have hockey tickets.

[Flack] I didn't hear that,
Mr. Lembeck.

[Buddy]
Oh.

[yelling] Charles cant teach
a study group tonight!

We got hockey tickets!

[Charles] So, Shakespeare
attained both his goals.

See, he entertained
the British masses and kept

American college students
confused for centuries.

[laughing]
I just threw that one in there.

Any questions?

[Jamie] Uh,
these stupid tapioca stains.

Oh gee, I'm sorry Charles,

but see, if I don't
wash this outfit tonight,

I wont have anything to wear
to school tomorrow.

- We uh, we had tapioca
for dessert tonight.

Any questions?
Yes um, Miss Carlyle.

[Muffy]
Yes, what exactly is tapioca?

I mean, it looks like fish eggs
but it tastes more like,

like small round moon beams.

- Yes it does Miss, Carlyle.

And Professor Flack warned me,
uh told me, that you were a very

unusual student and I can see
that he wasn't exaggerating.

- Thank you.

- You're welcome.

[Jamie] Excuse me.

Charles, call me when
the rinse cycle starts, okay?

- You got it.
Miss Carlyle, uh I'm sorry,

I didn't catch your first name.

- Oh it's Muffy.

- Yes of course it is.
I meant your real first name.

- Oh Muffy
is my real first name.

My parents
wanted something with fur.

- Well I'm sorry everybody,
but our time is up for today.

Now remember,
your midterm papers are due

in Flack's office, okay?

Good luck.

- Oh Charles, I'm worried
about my midterm paper.

We're supposed to write
an analysis

of an allegorical novel.

- Now you do know
what that means?

- Of course.
I chose Moby d*ck.

Oh the thing is, I need to get
a good grade on it

in order to pass this course

and Professor Flack
keeps giving me D's and F's.

[Jamie] Oh sorry,
I thought everybody was gone.

I need to add fabric softener.

- Well try Durabrite.
It's detergent

and fabric softener
rolled into one.

- Yeah,
what about static cling?

- It's no problem.

- Yoo-hoo.
Remember me?

I'm the guy who's room this is.
Now look Jamie,

I need to speak to Muffy
alone for a minute.

[Walter] Jamie, when you get a
chance, will you wash

this bowling ball?
The finger holes

are full of tapioca.

[Buddy] Oh hey Charles,
I sold the hockey tickets,

so if your study group is over,
we can go out and hang.

[Walter] Hangings too good
for you Lembeck.

[Charles] Could you all please
excuse me for a minute?

I need to speak to Muffy.

[Buddy] Oh, I understand
and I don't blame you, Charles.

[Walter] I understand too,
Charles, and I do blame you.

Come on Jamie, let's go hang.

[Charles]
Now Muffy, don't worry.

The professor will grade
your paper fairly.

You see, I happen to know
that Moby d*ck

is one of his favorite books.

- Oh really?
Well then it will be okay.

Well anybody who likes whales
has to be a humanitarian.

After all, whales are just big
people without elbows.

- Yes I've always said that.
Now look, when um,

when you write this paper,

don't try to please anybody
but yourself, okay?

Just write what you feel,
and you can't go wrong.

- Thank you, Charles.

[Walter]
Charles, I want to tell you...

- Yes, sir,
you wanted to tell me what?

- Well I was going to tell you
to keep the door closed

when you're teaching,
but now that I see

what you're teaching I think
that you better keep it locked.

[knocking]
[Flack] Yeah?

[Charles]
You wanted to see me, sir?

- Uh yes, Charles,
I'm still working on my essay.

You'll have to grade
these midterm papers.

- Grade them?

Professor, I would really
rather not, you see uh,

I tutor these people

and I don't think
I can be objective...

- [scoffing] Oh I'm sorry,

you thought I was making
a suggestion.

I'm not asking Charles,
I'm telling.

[Muffy] Hi.
I almost forgot

to hand in my midterm paper.

Oh hi, Charles.
- Hi.

- You know I think
my typewriter is possessed

by evil spirits.
Every time I press 'B'

it types a 'P'.

[Flack] An allegorical analysis
of Mopy d*ck .

You've written
about a whale who pouts.

- Well you'd pout too
if someone stuck you

in the bladder with a harpoon.

- Miss Carlyle, you are
a very lovely young lady.

Go away.

- Oh and Charles,
I want to thank you

for last night.
You're wonderful.

- Thanks.

Well sir, I'll just
take these papers

and I'll get out of your hair.

- Charles,

you're not taking advantage
of that poor, demented girl?

- No, no, sir,
I wouldn't think of it.

- What!

You wouldn't think
of making love

to a beautiful young lady?
What's the matter with you, boy?

- Nothing. I would think of it.

- Aha I knew it.
Well don't think of it.

I don't want you
to think of it, Charles.

I want you to
grade these papers objectively.

I want you
to pretend you're me.

- Yes sir, you'd like me to be

analytical, insensitive,
and utterly ruthless.

- Aren't you
forgetting something?

- Um, heartless?

- That's my boy.

- That's my problem.

[Jamie] You know Charles,
this paper Muffy wrote

on Moby d*ck is really good.

[Charles] Oh I haven't
read it yet, Jamie.

But knowing Muffy,
I'm surprised it's written

in any known language.

[Sarah] May I see it?

[Adam] Do you really
get to give them

any grades you want to?

[Charles] No Adam,
I give them the grade

I think they deserve.

- Yeah but suppose
one of the papers is written

by someone you really hated.

Let's say someone
who always catches you

in the shower room
and snaps your rear end

with a towel.
[Charles laughs]

You'd flunk him, right?

- No no no, Adam

I don't give grades
based on personal feelings.

- What a wuss.

[Sarah] This paper's all wrong.

[Jamie] No it isn't.
[Sarah] Yes.

The writing's good
but what Muffy says is wrong.

She thinks Moby d*ck
is obsessed with Captain Ahab.

She has it backwards.

- No she doesn't it.

- Jamie, how can you
express an opinion?

You've never even read
Moby d*ck .

- So I've never read
the Hairdresser's Monthly

either but I know split ends
when I see them.

[Charles] Now now now Jamie.

That wasn't very nice.
Sarah doesn't have split ends.

[Sarah] Thank you, Charles.
[Charles] Mmm hmm.

- Now tell her
Muffy's paper is wrong.

- May I read it first?

[Jamie] You know
before I read Muffy's paper

I thought Moby d*ck
was the story

about a one-legged man
and a fish.

- You mean a mammal.

- Okay a one-legged mammal
and a fish.

[Flack]
I can't believe this, Charles.

You actually gave
Miss Carlyle's paper an 'A'?

[Charles] Yes, sir,
I gave her an 'A'

for composition, imagination,
and originality.

- This isn't originality,
this is insanity.

"Obsessed with finding
Captain Ahab,

Moby d*ck tracked him across
the ocean.

A born victim
looking for his assassin."

Now you're either easily
impressed or easily seduced.

- No, sir,
I'm not easily seduced.

Well at least mentally
I'm not easily seduced.

- So Mr. Pushover,
you agree with Muffy's paper?

- Sir, I didn't grade her
ability to agree with me.

I graded her on her ability
to express her own thoughts.

- Her thoughts
are as fluffy as her hair.

This paper
deserves a 'D' at best.

- Professor you asked me to
grade these papers and I did.

Now if you want to change

her grade
to a 'D' I can't stop you...

- Charles.

The issue here now

is your judgement
and you future.

You have until tomorrow

to change this grade
to a 'D', understand?

- Yes, sir, I understand
but I think...

- Don't but me Charles.

If you but me
I'll have to but you.

And believe me
I have a bigger better butter.

[Muffy]
Charles!

Jamie told me you gave me
an 'A' on my paper.

I can't tell you
how much that means to me.

Thank you.

[Flack] Little late
for that Miss Carlyle,

the grades are already in.

- I know.

Isn't it wonderful.
Thanks again, Charles.

- Well Charles,

you've had your fun,
now you have your orders.

Change that grade to a 'D'
or find yourself a new career.

[Muffy] Charles,
I have to tell you the news.

Because of you I've decided
to become a writer.

Thanks again for the 'A'.

[Charles] Oh hi.
Hi Mr. Powell,

you remember Miss Carlyle.

Miss Carlyle, this is Mother.

- Hi, you must be very proud
of Charles.

[Lillian] Yes I am,

but obviously not as proud
of him as you are.

[Charles] Uh Muffy,
we have to talk.

- Oh oh anytime, Charles,
except for now.

I'm late for my
Thursday afternoon séance

and garage sale.

I'm hoping to pick up
a ceramic turtle

and a message
from Calvin Coolidge.

Bye.

[Walter] Charles,
if you're gonna engage

in these extra
curricular sports,

do it in the privacy
of your room.

And don't do it there, either.

[Lillian] Sweetheart, I just
want to ask you one question...

- I know, Mom,
you're wondering about Muffy.

- You mean
the beautiful girl

that was just trying
to eat your face.

- Yes,
I know what you're thinking,

but you're wrong, you see,
she just came over here

to thank me
for giving her an 'A'

on her midterm paper.

- That's nice.
Now sweetheart,

I just want to ask you
one question...

[Buddy] No no Aunt Lillian,
I'm sure that if Charles

gave her an 'A'
it's because she deserved it.

- No, but I didn't give her
an 'A,' I gave her a 'D.'

- Aunt Lillian,
I'm sure that if Charles

gave her a 'D' it's because she
deserved it.

I just can't figure out
why she was kissing you.

- Well because she thinks
I gave her an 'A.'

- Then don't ever tell her
the truth.

- No no I have to Buddy.
I have to, she deserves an 'A.'

[Lillian] Charles, I just have
one teeny little question...

- No Aunt Lillian,
please let me ask it.

Charles, you say
she deserves an 'A'

but you gave her a 'D,' why?
Is she a bad kisser?

- No, but Professor Flack
told me if

I didn't change her grade,
I could forget about

becoming a teacher, Buddy.
I had to do it.

[Lillian] Good,
I'm glad that's over.

Now I came over
to ask one question

and now I'm going to ask it.

Charles, did you send your
Uncle Joe a birthday present?

- Of course I did.

- Thank you.
I'm leaving, goodbye son.

- You know Charles,
you did the right thing.

- I know Buddy,
I love my Uncle Joe.

- No, I'm talking about Muffy.
- Oh!

- You don't want to ruin
your teaching career

over one girl's midterm paper.

- You're right, Buddy.
You're exactly right.

When Professor Flack
goes into his office tomorrow,

he's gonna find Muffy's paper
on his desk and he's gonna see

a big fat 'D' on it.
And he'll be proud of me.

- So am I.
- Good. You are?

- Of course I am.

- Good. You are?

- Yeah.

- Good, alright so
you're proud of me and

Professor Flack is proud of me.

Where did I go wrong?

No I can't go through with this
Buddy, I have to break into

Flack's office
and change Muffy's grade

back to an 'A.'

What am I saying?
I can't break into Flack's

office and change Muffy's grade
back to an 'A.'

- Of course not.
You can't break into

Professor Flack's office
and change Muffy's grade

back to an 'A.'

That would be breaking,
entering,

and changing back to an 'A.'

You could get
ten years for that.

- But only if I got caught.

- Wait a minute, wait a minute,
you're gonna need a cellmate.

[Buddy] Charles, you were right.
It's unlocked.

[Charles] Buddy?

- Yeah.

- Your foot is on my nose.

- Oh.

- Get off, get off.

- Sorry.

Hey Charles, look,

a duck.

- Buddy.

Buddy.

- Oh, Charles!
I'm sorry, let me help you.

- Pull me in the window.
Pull pull pull.

You had to come in first,
didn't you?

- Well it's my flashlight.

- Now we gotta find
Muffy's paper.

Change her grade
and get out of here.

Now let's see, I put it
somewhere on the desk.

Buddy, there must be
a hundred papers here.

We have to go through
all of them.

- No we don't, Charles,

we can stop
when we get to Muffy's.

[footsteps]

- Charles,

I hear footprints.

I hear stopping footprints.

Let's get out of here.

- Oh it's too late, Buddy.
We gotta hide.

Hide.

Get out!

[Buddy snoring]

[Flack] Mr. Lembeck.

- Agh!

Oh, Professor Flack,
you're here.

I-I-I must've fallen asleep
while I was waiting for you.

- How dare you sit
behind my desk in my office.

Get up!

[Charles] Ow!

[Flack] What?

[Buddy] I said "owww".

My legs are asleep, I can't...

and they never get up
before breakfast.

- I wanna know
what you're doing here.

- Well um, Charles,
Charles asked me to

drop these papers off
and he said

to hand them to you in person.

- Very well then,
hand them to me.

Oh, silly me, I dropped them.

Here I'll get 'em.
- I'll get them.

[both]
Ow!

[Buddy] I found it.

[Flack] You found what, what?

- Um, the floor.

It was right here
under these papers.

Okay?

- Mr. Lembeck stop helping me.

I want you to go someplace else

and stay there
for the rest of your life.

Get out!
- Yes sir.

- Out out out!
- You forgot your papers.

- Out out out.

[Charles] Well, that went
fairly smoothly.

[Charles] Professor Flack.

[Flack] Don't Flack me,
I've had a bad day.

First those custard heads
at the New England Journal

of Literature
rejected my essay.

- Why?
- Because they're
custard heads.

They said my paper
is too opinionated.

- Well they have a right
to their opinion.

- No they don't.

And then I find out that you
gave Miss Carlyle an 'A.'

- Yes, sir,
I just couldn't

give her paper a grade
it didn't deserve.

- But you did.
You gave Miss Carlyle's paper

an 'A.'
It doesn't deserve an 'A.'

[Jamie] I think Muffy deserved
an 'A' plus.
[Charles] Jamie.

[Sarah] No she doesn't, Jamie,
her paper was wrong.
[Charles] Sarah.

[Jamie] No it wasn't.
It was what Moby d*ck

was all about.

[Sarah] How would you know?
You never read Moby d*ck .

[Jamie] I've read Moby d*ck .

Well, at least I'm reading it.

[Sarah]
You're reading Moby d*ck ?

[Charles]
You're reading Moby d*ck ?

[Jamie] Yeah, Muffy's paper
got me interested.

[Flack] Charles, I came here
to castigate you,

not to listen
to the Romper Room review.

[Charles] Professor,
Jamie is reading Moby d*ck .

[Jamie] Yeah
and I think Muffy's paper

made a lot of sense.

I know a lot of girls
who have the victim mentality.

[Charles excitedly] Did you
hear that?

This girl never
in her entire life

has ever said
the words victim mentality.

[Sarah] That's true, Professor.

You must be the greatest
teacher in the world.

[Flack] How much of this
is true, Charles?

- Well at least 70 percent.

Muffy did inspire Jamie
to read a book

and you are Muffy's teacher.

- Well alright then,
she can have her 'A'.

- Yes, sir, thank you!

- That'll give me a chance
to write a paper on it.

Write a paper
on how I teached

a twinkle brain like Muffy.

it'll be good, it'll be real,
it'll be published.

- Thank you, sir.

Thanks guys,
thanks for your help.

[Sarah] It's okay.

But I still say
Muffy's paper was wrong.

[Jamie] Well of course you do,
Miss Ahab.

You know, you're a real study
in obsession.

No wonder there are no whales
in this neighborhood.

[doorbell]

[Charles] I got it, come in.

Hey.
[Buddy] Hey Charles.

[Muffy] Charles,
we have great news for you.

You are gonna be so pleased.

Buddy and I
are getting married.

- Really? Who to?

- To each other.

Charles, we just got back
from our

cosmic consciousness seminar.

See, we discovered
that our psyche's are drifting

into harmonic convergence.

It's gonna be a marriage
of our souls.

- Oh
that's just wonderful, Buddy.

When's the big day?

[Muffy] Oh who knows.

Well it could be in 50 years
or 100 years.

In cosmic consciousness,
time doesn't exist.

But thanks again Charles,
for everything.

[Buddy] Oh it's okay.
She's with me.

[Buddy] I-I-I want to contact

my uncle Lawrence,
Lawrence Lembeck.

[Muffy] Alright.
Now concentrate.

Lembeck, Lawrence Lembeck,
are you with us?

- Shouldn't we
be holding hands?

- We can't.

Buddy, until our souls
converge harmonically,

we can't have
anymore physical contact.

- You mean I'm not allowed
to touch you for 100 years?

- That's right.

- Well then forget it,
the engagement's off.

[Charles] Hey hey,
where you going?

- I'm gonna go call
my Uncle Lawrence on the phone.

By the time she gets through
to him, he'll be dead.

- Charles.

Can I thank you again
for that 'A'?

- You can't fight harmonic
convergence now can you?

♪♪

♪ Charles in charge of our days
and our nights ♪

♪ Charles in charge
of our wrongs and our rights,
and I see ♪

♪ I want, I want
Charles in charge of me ♪

♪ Charles in Charge ♪