02x19 - The Case of the Mock-Turtle Mystery

[bunniefuu]

♪ ♪

♪ The new boy in the
neighborhood lives downstairs ♪

♪ And it's understood he's
there just to take good care ♪

♪ Of me like he's one of the
family Charles in charge ♪

♪ Of our days and our nights
Charles in charge ♪

♪ Of our wrongs and our rights
and I sing I want Charles ♪

♪ In charge of me Charles in
charge of our days ♪

♪ And our nights Charles in
charge of our wrongs ♪

♪ And our rights and I sing
I want I want ♪

♪ Charles in charge of me ♪♪

What do we do if it never
stops raining?

Change your name from
Adam to Noah.

I'll be glad when mom gets back.
I'm hungry.

What? What are you talking
about Adam? Your grandfather

made us a great lunch.

Wait'll until he makes you
eat your dessert.

No, I'm not gonna have
time for dessert.

When are you guys leaving
for Florida?

- Uh, in about an hour.
- Who are you going with?

Some students from my
pre-law class.

They rented a van
and they're all going down

to Fort Lauderdale, and they
invited Buddy and me

to go along and share expenses.

Are there going
to be girls down there?

Huh! Girls in Fort Lauderdale
during spring break?

Oh gosh, I hope not Adam.

Hey Charles,
you all packed yet?

No, no, it'll only take
me a few minutes.

Now, don't rush me all right.

Oh, all finished
with lunch, huh?

Now for the
piece de resistance.

Uh, Mr. Powell, lunch was
great, unfortunately,

I'm not gonna have
time for dessert.

You'll have time for
this dessert. Well?

- How's it look?
- Green.

Yeah, take some Charles,
I made it last night.

It's called
grasshopper pudding.

Take some Lembeck.

That stuff is green!

It's full of slimy
little tapiocas!

And when you put them
in your mouth,

they feel like fish eyeballs!

Help yourself, Buddy.

I resent that description, Adam,
Jaime had some last night.

- How'd it taste honey?
- Oh, great, I ate all of mine.

You see Adam, and you
won't even give it a try.

You didn't try it?
Adam, you're approaching

this dessert with an enormous
burden of prejudice.

You've condemned it without
due process of law.

Oh, good Charles, one little
pre-law class and already

you're in court,
defending a pudding.

[doorbell rings]
I'll get it, take all you want.

What's the matter Charles,
you dumping your client?

Buddy, I was defending
a principle,

now I'm defending my stomach.

Uh, look, I hate to be pushy,

but can we leave for
Fort Lauderdale now?

Look who's back from the wars!

- Hey!
- Hey, Sarah!

So how was your
nature studies field trip?

It rained so hard we ended up
staying in the camper

and watching Wild Kingdom
on television.

I liked it!

Hey, you all loved my pudding,
huh? Have some more!

Sarah, sit down
and join us for dessert.

Okay, but first I wanna
go see how Ross is doing.

Okay. You know, lately
Sarah's been spending more time

with Ross then she has with us.

Aw, I wouldn't take it
personally, Mr. Powell.

I just think Ross gives Sarah
something she needs.

Who's Ross?

[Sarah screams]

- m*rder*r!
- What?

You k*lled Ross just as surely
as if you had held

a g*n to his head
and pulled the trigger!

Who's Ross?

I loved him, Adam.
You knew I loved him!

Sarah, baby, sit down.

It's too late for sitting down,
Grandpa.
Ross can't sit down.

He'll never sit down again!

Sarah, Ross never did sit down.

- Sarah, Sarah honey, Sarah!
- Who's Ross?

What's she talking about?

Ross is a turtle.
Turtles don't sit,
they just lay there.

Like dead frisbees.
Why'd you k*ll him Adam?

I didn't...
maybe Grandpa did it.

But that doesn't make sense.

He was just a big green turtle
with beady little fish eyes,

- why would grandpa k*ll him?
- I dunno, maybe...

- Ewwww!
- Ewwww!

Who's Ross?

As soon as I saw the gate was
open, I rushed into the yard.

Ross wasn't there.

Oh, wait Sarah, I thought you
said he was dead.

Hey, guess what!
Ross is a turtle!

Was a turtle, poor Ross
wandered into the street,

where he was k*lled
by a hit and run driver.

And there's the person
who did it!

I don't even own a car!

I asked you to take care
of Ross, and you promised

to make sure the gate
was always closed!

Ta, ta, ta, ta.

Buddy, maybe we should
get a shovel and uh, you know...

Oh, you mean you want me
to scrape the turtle guts

off the cement?
Okay Charles, lets just
be quick about it,

Fort Lauderdale is waiting.

Adam, Sarah's right,
it was your responsibility.

Adam, what did you do
with my rain boots?

I k*lled them too!

Don't you get smart young man,

you're in enough
trouble already.

But grandpa, I didn't do
anything wrong!

Yes, you did.
You were responsible,

and now Sarah's
turtle is dead.

You're gonna have
to pay the penalty,

and I'm gonna have to think up
a really tough punishment.

I'm sorry, Adam.

It's not fair.

I didn't k*ll
your stupid turtle!

- I made some cocoa.
- Uh, hold it Charles.

Sarah, where did you
last see Ross' body?

I didn't, I just saw the
open gate, and I knew

that Ross had wandered on to
the street and into eternity.

You mean there's
no corpus delicti?

Well not only that, there's no
squashed turtles in this block.

He's out there somewhere!

With all that traffic
in the street,

he didn't have a chance!

It's pretty tough when you're
doing a quarter mile an hour

in a thirty mile an hour zone!
Cocoa, Sarah?

No, I couldn't.
Ross loved cocoa, you know.

And rain, and literature...
I used to read to him!

His favorite was
Wind in the Willows.

Sarah, maybe Ross isn't dead.

Maybe he's just taking
a stroll in the rain.

Or uh, or browsing
in a bookstore.

No, he's dead, I can feel it!

Charles, wait a minute,
do you know what time it is?!

What are you the town crier?
I don't care what time it is!

Then do you want some cocoa?

I don't want cocoa, I don't
wanna know what time it is!

[knocking on the door]

Come in.

- Can I talk to you for a sec?
- Sure.

It's really comin'
down isn't it?

I know what your gonna say.

I'm being silly, Ross was just
a turtle, it's no big thing.

No, I wasn't gonna say that.

What I was gonna say is that
uh, it is a big thing Sarah.

You see, it doesn't matter
that Ross was a turtle.

What matters is that, he was a
living thing and you loved him.

I did Charles,
I really loved him!

I know you did,
but you don't love him anymore?

Well sure I do, but he's dead.

Well... what you loved
about Ross isn't dead.

All the qualities that you saw
in him, they can't die.

And the way you feel about
Ross, that isn't dead.

- So what's dead?
- Ross.

Sarah, let me tell you what my
mom told me about, uh, death.

Actually, it's about life.

When someone gets
on a ship and sails away.

Now, we watch them
until they disappear, right?

- Yeah.
- Yeah.

Now, even though
we can't see them,

those people are still
on that ship,

still sailing
to their destination.

You mean, just because
I don't see Ross,

- ...doesn't mean he's gone.
- You got it.

You see, Ross is still sailing,
probably on the Love Boat.

- Yeah, but I still miss him.
- I know you do.

But, it helps knowing that
that rotten little kid

who put Ross on that ship
is gonna pay for it!

Sarah, you really don't want
Adam to suffer, do you?

Yes, Charles,
I really, really do!

Charles, I didn't k*ll
Sarah's turtle!

I believe you Adam, and if I
were your attorney,

I would have appealed
to a higher court.

Unfortunately, your mom
is a higher court,

and she's out of town.

- What a gyp!
- I know, justice is blind.

You never had a trial, so we
can't blame this on justice.

Charles, talk grandpa
into giving me a trial!

And you be my lawyer!

You want to have
a trial in the house, Adam?

- Yes!
- No, that's not gonna happen.

You know why?
One, I'm not an attorney.

Two, this is not a
court of law,

and three, I'm on my way
to Fort Lauderdale.

Thanks a lot Charles.
Have a great time.

Going somewhere?

Yeah, yeah, put your wrist
away, I'm ready.

I just want to tell
Mr. Powell I'm leaving.

Charles, what's with Adam?
He's not talking.

He's upset because
I won't defend him in court.

Mr. Powell!

Oh, you should count
your blessings Adam,

if Charles had been
defending you,

you probably would have been
grounded for life.

Now Buddy, I happen to know
a little bit about the law.

Very little, come on Charles,
one little pre-law course

does not a lawyer make.

Now wait a minute,
I'm getting straight 'A's'

in my pre-law course.

I bet there's a lot
of attorneys out there,

right now,
that didn't do so well.

I bet those practicing
attorneys didn't practice

on little kids who left
the back gate open.

Now, the issue here
is not the gate, Buddy.

The issue here is that,
this poor soul

was unfairly, and unjustly
convicted of a crime,

without the benefit
of a trial.

And that is a violation
of the Constitution!

Trying to start a little
trouble before you leave town?

Adam, don't listen to these
jail house lawyers.

But Grandpa, Charles is right!
I didn't get a fair trial!

Charles, before you go,
I want you to tell Adam

that my decision was neither

unfair, unjust,
or unconstitutional.

Uh... Mr. Powell...
if Adam were in the Navy,

and he was accused
of neglecting some
of his duties,

- what would happen to him?
- He'd be court-martialed.

Right, in other words,
he'd have a fair trial.

Okay, okay, you want
a court-martial?

I'll give you one
right here and now!

Yeah, oh yeah, you can
be Adam's lawyer,

and I'll be his judge
all right?

I appreciate that Mr. Powell,

but I'm going to
Fort Lauderdale now.

Oh, sure, you make
a big speech,

you get Adam all fired up,

and then you take
off for Florida,

leaving me to deal with it!
Charles!

If you can't take the case
stay out of the courthouse!

Adam, I have to go.

- Adam, where's your attorney?
- Gone!

Figures.

- My client pleads not guilty!
- Charles!

I object!

All right, here's where
we are so far.

Trial starts in twenty minutes.

Actually, it's a court-martial,

even though
you're not in the Navy.

Normally, you're innocent until
proven guilty.

But according to your
grandfather,

in a military court-martial,

you're guilty
until proven innocent,

which makes my job
a little more difficult.

In the meantime,
Buddy Lembeck is in a van,

with gorgeous women,
on his way to Florida,

while I'm stuck
in a living room

in New Jersey, trying to prove
that you didn't k*ll a turtle

that nobody can find, which
leads me to one conclusion,

I am nuts!

Don't worry Charles, I wrote
down everything I remember.

Oh, you did?
Good, let's see what you got.

All right, Wednesday,
fed Ross, went to bed.

Thursday, fed Ross,
went to bed.

Friday, didn't feed Ross,
Ross dead.

That's it?
That, that's all you got?

You're gonna hang pal.

Hey Charles, guess what?
Were gonna have a trial.

Yeah, I heard Jaime.

Oh listen,
I need you as a witness.

- Okay.
- I want you to tell me,

everything you remember
about the night
that Ross disappeared.

Okay, when Adam
left the gate open,

Ross walked out into the
street and phhh, turtle soup.

I'm gonna write you down
as a hostile witness.

- Charles, you're a traitor!
- There's a hostile witness!

All right, now Sarah, let me
explain something to you.

Are you going to defend Adam,

even though
he k*lled my turtle?

All right, that's what
I want to explain to you.

See, under law, every accused
person has the right

to a fair trial.
Now if we deny one person,

that right, we undermine the
greatest judicial system

the world has ever known.
See what I mean?

- Yes, Charles, I do.
- Okay.

You're gonna defend
Ross' k*ller

and I'm never going to speak to
you again! See what I mean?

Buddy, you were
on Route One South,

going down to Florida,
what are you doing here?!

No, Charles, I got you a
reprieve, the g*ng agreed

to wait a little while before
we leave for Fort Lauderdale!

That's great!

All right, don't tell me
how much time I have.

All right, tell me about
how much time I have.

No, forget it!
You told me to leave you alone

about time, so I just want you
to relax and feel no pressure,

about the fact that you have
twenty minutes left.

Twenty minutes?!
Are you nuts?

I can't win this case
in twenty minutes!

Well maybe you can't,
but I can.

What are you talking about?

I'm gonna represent Sarah!
[laughing]

I'm gonna have Adam,
tried, convicted,

and sent up the river
before you know it.

Then we can leave
for Fort Lauderdale!

You hear that Sarah?
Your attorney's a lunatic!

You can tell him
I'm not speaking to him!

- She's not speaking to you.
- Well, she should be,

because this trial is gonna
help us get at the truth!

Charles, why are you being
so defensive?

Because I'm a defense attorney.

Look Buddy, the trial starts
in about five minutes.

There's no way I'm gonna
be outta here in twenty.

So if you're smart, you'll
leave now and stay out of this.

Okay Buddy, what's your plan?

Do you own a veil,
and a long black dress?

And furthermore,
it is our intention to prove,

in less then twenty minutes,

That Adam Powell did,
on Thursday night,

leave the back gate open,
allowing the deceased

to crawl onto the road,
where he was,

in all probability,
creamed by a Winnebago.

Wonderful, call
your first witness.

I call Jamie Powell
to the stand.

Jamie, do you swear
to tell the truth?

Sure.

Adam did it.

Great, no further
questions your honor.

Uh, do you have anything
you want to ask Jamie Charles?

- Yes, I do.
- Charles, try and hurry it up.

All right, all right.

Jamie, when was the last time
you saw Ross alive?

Last night, after dinner.

You were in the backyard
after dinner? Why?

Objection, objection,
your honor!

Look, the prosecutor
and the defense counsel

have to leave
for Fort Lauderdale

in about ten minutes.

Now, if the witnesses
keep whispering their answers

to him, we'll never make it!

Jamie, I want you to tell
the entire court

what you were doing
in the yard that night.

I took my dessert out
and fed it to Ross.

You took my grasshopper pudding
and fed it to a turtle!?

I'm sorry, grandpa,
but Ross seemed to like it!

So, you went into the
backyard last night,

fed Ross the pudding, then you
came back into the house,

- leaving the gate open!
- No way, I closed the gate!

Adam was the last one out
there, he's your k*ller!

No further questions,
you can sit down.

- Tick, tick, tick.
- All right.

I, I call Adam Powell
to the stand.

- You swear to tell the truth?
- Sure he does, sit down Adam.

Let's get right to the point,

you left the gate open
didn't you?

- Didn't!
- Did!

- Didn't!
- Did!

- Didn't!
- Did!

Tell the truth
you little weasel!

Objection, he's badgering
the weasel!

The witness, I'm sorry Adam.

I'm sorry too, Adam, I just wish
you'd hurry up and confess.

- No further questions.
- Charles?

No questions.

I-I-I call the sweet,
heartbroken, bereaved,

- Sarah Powell to the stand.
- Lembeck.

I swear to tell the truth.

Sarah, tell us,
in your own words,

what happened to you today?

I ran right out to see Ross,
he was gone!

And who's responsible
for keeping Ross alive?

Adam!

I rest my case your honor.

I have one more question.

Oh Charles, come on,
we've got seven minutes.

Will you stop, all right.

Uh... Sarah, are you sure that
Ross wasn't back there today?

I mean, it was raining.

Isn't it possible
that you left the gate open,

- after you came back in?
- No, I could see all right.

I saw Ross' empty bowl.

I even saw a pair of rain boots
by the side of the house.

Hmm... you can step down, Sarah.

I would, uh, like to call
one more witness... me.

I swear to tell the truth.

Charles, were you in the
backyard last night?

Uh, yes, yes I was,
I remember it was raining,

and I didn't want to track
mud in the house,

so I left my boots outside.

Was that before Adam fed Ross?

Uh, no, as I recall Ross was
eating out of his bowl

when I got out there.

So you were the last person
to see Ross alive!

Now think, Charles!

Did you, or did you not
leave the gate open?

I don't know anymore!

It was, it was raining,
and dark.

Um..

Yeah, I remember now, I went
out into the backyard, and uh...

I came back in,
and I left the gate open.

It wasn't Adam,
it was me, I did it.

- Charles!
- Charles, you mean you did it?

- Yeah.
- Thanks!

Hey, just like in Perry Mason.

Pretty clever, Charles, getting
your client off the hook,

by committing the crime
yourself. Can we go now?

Not yet! There'll be a two
minute recess,

while I get some air
and make a decision.

I'm sorry Sarah, you know I
wouldn't hurt you for anything.

- I know Charles.
- Sarah.

There's somebody at the door,
and I think it's for you.

- Who?
- Sarah, look!

Ross! He came home!
I missed you Ross!

- I love you so much!
- You mean he's not dead?!

Aww Sarah, that's terrific.

That's wonderful, now can we
get on with our lives?

Absolutely, since no one was
dead, there was no m*rder.

Therefore, this court
is adjourned.

[car horn honks]

Oh, hey, Charles,
that's the van!

I'll go out and hold 'em,
you get your stuff, all right.

Here Adam, would you put Ross
in a safe place?

- Me?
- Yeah, I trust you.

Thanks.

- So, want some cocoa?
- Sure!

Hey, Charles!
Fort Lauderdale or bust.

Both!

♪ ♪

Jamie, I'm not saying
you have to like it,

just give it a try,
honey, please.

I'd like to, Grandpa, but I just
can't get into turtle food.

Wasn't turtle food
until you fed it to Ross.

Hey, maybe that's why
he ran away.

Look, it's Charles and Buddy!

Hey, what are you guys
doing back home?

We got six blocks
from the house,

and had a problem with the van.

Yeah, we had to take
it into the garage.

Oh, that's too bad.

So, what went wrong
with the van?

We blew a big hole
in the exhaust pipe.

We couldn't drive it around
with all that noise and smoke.

Sure wish we could find
some kind of goop

to plug that hole up with,
you know?

Some kind of glue or cement.
What could we use?

Hey, how about some
grasshopper pudding, huh?

- That might work.
- Yeah.

♪ ♪