01x04 - Deepthroat

[bunniefuu]

♪ ["THE STARS
AND STRIPES FOREVER" PLAYING] ♪

- ♪ [SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC PLAYING] ♪
- SAMUEL L. JACKSON: During
the night of June 17, 1972,

burglars broke into the offices

of the Democratic
National Committee

at the Watergate Office Complex
in Washington, D.C.

The scandal became known
as "Watergate"

and ultimately led

to Nixon's resignation
as president.

Washington Post reporters
Bob Woodward

and Carl Bernstein
broke the story

- with their dogged
investigation...
- [TYPEWRITER KEYS CLICKING]

...but they couldn't
have done it

without a source
they called "Deep Throat,"

who anonymously leaked
information to them

in a D.C. garage,

as was immortalized

by the film
All the President's Men.

Great movie.

We've also learned
that Deep Throat

had a lot more to say

than Woodward
and Bernstein let on.

- [FOOTSTEPS ECHOING]
- ♪ [MUSIC FADES] ♪

[DISTANT THUD ECHOING]

[LIGHTER CLICKS]

[LIGHTER CLICKS]

[INHALES DEEPLY]

[EXHALES]

- Where are you?
- Stuck.

The story stalled on us.

And you thought I'd help?

I'll never quote you.

I wouldn't quote you even
as an anonymous source.

I mean,
you'd be deep background.

- You can trust me.
- [INHALES]

Go on.

Can you tell me what
you know about Watergate?

I've heard a few things.

I'm all ears.

You know Ferguson Investments?

They're on the fifth floor.
They're going bankrupt.

Father and son fighting
over the company.

It's getting ugly.

And... And how does that relate
to the break-in?

Well, you mentioned
the building.

I thought you were talking
about the Watergate building.

No, I don't care
about the building.

I'm-- I'm talking
about the Watergate scandal.

The Nixon re-election campaign

and the bugging of the DNC
at the Watergate building.

- Right.
- [LOUD THUD IN DISTANCE]

I hear G. Gordon Liddy's
involved.

Tell me about Liddy.

Well, I know
his daughter's getting

her braces off next week.

And I hear they're gonna
buy her a new bike.

She wore the braces,

she gets the bike.

So?

So I hear now
she doesn't even want a bike.

She wants a pony.

Pretty expensive.

Yeah, yeah,
they're expensive, yeah.

I don't think it's gonna happen.

Are you trying to tell me
that he's easily manipulated?

No, I'm just trying to tell you

he doesn't want
to buy her a pony.

What does this
have to do with Watergate?

I don't care about
Liddy's daughter and the pony.

Just-- I mean, you gotta
give me something I can use.

I've heard the Haldemans
are not doing well at all.

How so?

You know how his wife,
Joanne, has that bad back?

Yeah.

Well, she got
a massage therapist.

And let's just say
she's doing way better,

if you catch my drift.

He's f*cking her.

- So what?
- So, I've seen the guy,

he's like 5'4".

He's a shrimp.

And?

Joanne has got
like four inches on him.

It's worse
than a big age difference.

Of course,
if the man's older, big whoop.

If the woman's older,
that's something.

This has nothing
to do with Watergate.

I don't... I don't care
about this information.

I thought you had... [HESITATES]
You told me you had information.

I just gave you information.
You don't find that interesting?

I need something
that can reveal some information

about what happened
with Watergate

and how it connects
to President Nixon.

I'll tell you another thing
about G. Gordon Liddy.

Okay.

The White House...

doesn't want anyone
to know what the G stands for.

What does it stand for?

Gordon.

The White House doesn't
want people to know

that his name
is Gordon Gordon Liddy?

Yeah, that doesn't sound right.
Maybe it's Gus.

Are you asking me or telling me?

George. Gary.

Oh, you're just
spit-balling here?

- Gerry with a G.
- You know what?

This is a waste of my time.
I'm done.

Wait-- Wait a second.
Hey, Woodward.

BOB WOODWARD: [WHISPERS] What?

DEEP THROAT:
You owe me for the parking.

No, I don't.

I gave you a lot of information.

Useless information.

All right, here's a few things
you should know.

I'm listening.

There's a guy in town
who calls himself

the Lawn Doctor,

but he's not a doctor.

Yeah, he's a gardener.

People think he's a real doctor,
but he's not.

What, did you think that
he was a real doctor

and you found out he wasn't
and you're upset?

He's charging 400 dollars
a visit.

Well, how big is your lawn?

- That I can't tell you.
- Why did you bring me here?

I heard you had information.

Put the pieces
together, Woodward.

Do you know
how they're connected?

Follow the money.

"Follow the money"?

What... What money?

I don't understand
what's happening.

Where's Bernstein?

He seems a little sharper
than you,

- if you don't mind my saying.
- WOODWARD: No, no.

This is bullshit.
Give me something I can use.

Anything that has
to do with the White House.

Okay, but this is
way off the record.

Of course.

There's a rumor that Pat Nixon

was caught shoplifting
at Bendel's department store.

They found a shoe in her purse.

One shoe. Think about that.

I am thinking about it.
One shoe?

- She lost a shoe?
- She took a shoe.

Why'd she take one shoe?
She can't wear one shoe.

Exactly. Are you ready for this?

No, I don't think so.

Gerald Ford
went trick-or-treating

with his grandchildren.

When he wasn't recognized,

he told the kids
to give the candy back.

What-- What--

His grandkids
aren't speaking to him.

[LOUDLY]
What are you talking about?

I don't care. I don't care
about the trick-or-treating.

I don't care about the ponies,
the braces, the affairs.

I don't care about any of this.
This is a waste of my time.

- [INHALES]
- Do you have anything
I can actually use?

Charles Colson wore flip-flops
to a White House meeting.

- [SCOFFS]
- Nixon didn't care,

but Haldeman made
a big stink about it.

Okay, I think we're done here.

I, uh...
I've gotta get going too,

because I'm using a public dryer
for my clothes,

and I'm afraid that maybe
somebody took my clothes out.

Okay, yeah.

- Uh, good luck with that.
- DEEP THROAT: So...

WOODWARD: Thanks for everything.
I really appreciate--

Do you have any quarters in case
I need to put it back in?

Hey, you don't seem well.
Are you okay to get home?

You got a ride?

- I took the bus.
- You took the bus?

You just asked
for parking money.

You're trying to shake me down
for parking money?

That's for you to figure out.

- f*ck this!
- ♪ [SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC PLAYING] ♪

[SHOUTS] f*ck it!
Do not call me! I'm done!

Have Bernstein call me.

Do not call Bernstein!

Leave me alone!

[GRUNTS]

Weird guy.

♪ [LIVELY INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC
PLAYING] ♪

- ♪ [CHEERY RAGTIME MUSIC
PLAYING] ♪
- JACKSON: On July 15, 1903...

- Henry Ford took
his first order...
- [CAR ENGINE RUMBLING]

...for the Model A,

an automobile made
by his Ford Motor Company

in Detroit, Michigan.

-By the end of the year,
the plant had made 1,000 cars...
- [MACHINERY CLANKING]

...and the automotive revolution
had begun.

Ford wasn't just an inventor
and an industrialist,

he was also a rabid antisemite.

He owned
The Dearborn Independent

and used it to publish articles
like "The International Jew."

What a guy.

- Soon, there would be cars
on every road in America.
- [CAR HORNS HONKING]

JACKSON:
Ford was on top of the world.

But as they say in the shtetl,

fate has a funny way
of kicking you

right in the tuchus.

- [KNOCKING ON DOOR]
- HENRY FORD: Yes?

- ♪ [MUSIC CONCLUDES] ♪
- Mr. Ford.

The Detroit civic leaders
are here.

- Send them in, young Clifton.
- Okay.

Esteemed gentlemen,

please allow Mr. Ford
to take you for a ride.

[INDISTINCT CHATTER]

Gentlemen, the...

- Wow.
- ♪ [QUIRKY KLEZMER MUSIC
PLAYING] ♪

♪ [MUSIC CONCLUDES] ♪

- Chief Mahoney.
- Pleasure.

- FORD: Mr. Hudson.
- Henry.

Who are you?

I am
Rabbi Shmuel Ben-Yanklovitz,

just elected

- to the city council.
- CHIEF MAHONEY: Mm-hmm.

[IN HIGH-PITCHED VOICE]
Huh? Huh?

- Congratulations.
- What a pleasure

to be a part of
such a historic occasion.

Oh! I'm tingling. I'm tingling.

What do you call this?

We are calling this
an automobile.

- "Automobile"?
- Extraordinary.

- FORD: Yes.
- Yes.

- FORD: It's the Model A.
- [HESITATES] Can we take a look?

- [OVERLAPPING CHATTER]
- Sure. [HESITATES]
Just don't touch,

- but you can take a look.
- MAHONEY: Yes, yes.

- Truly magnificent.
- Oh!

Oh, Mr. Ford. [CHUCKLES]

Mr. Ford, you have...
you have done--

This is
an amazing accomplishment,

- Mr. Ford. Beautiful.
- MR. HUDSON:
Very impressive, Henry.

It can go from zero
to seven in... in one minute...

- Oh.
- ...and it harnesses the power

of up to two horses.

- RABBI SHMUEL BEN-YANKLOVITZ:
Whoa!
- Impressive, Henry.

- What a magnificent...
- Truly extraordinary.

- ...achievement, Mr. Ford.
- Thank you very much.

- SHMUEL: You know,
back in Kraków...
- [SOFTLY] Yes, yeah.

...there's a Hymie Fordberg.

Any relation?

Did you go from Fordberg
to Ford?

- Huh? Huh?
- [CLICKS TONGUE]

- You shorten?
- No. I did not shorten my name.

I think you shortened.

- There's no Fordberg.
It's only Fo--
- Did you shorten?

- No, sir.
- Well, let's... let's go.

- Ah, yes!
- MAHONEY: Absolutely.

- SHMUEL: Yes.
- Yes, huzzah.

Sadly, it only seats
two passengers

plus myself, so...

But yet I see four seats.

But there is a...
a weight limit here.

Ah, a weight limit.

- A weight limit, yes.
- SHMUEL: Interesting.

- FORD: There is.
- What can you do?

There's a weight limit. Yes.

- What are you going to do?
- So, somebody

- will be left out, it appears.
- Yes.

So we have
to choose someone to...

But how are we to decide
on which two?

FORD: I'll tell you how.

We're gonna do this
the fair, honest, American way.

I'm thinking of a number
between zero and ten.

Whoever's closest rides,
whoever's not leaves.

- That seems fair to me.
- [CHUCKLES] Oh, very fair.

That's very fair.

- I like it. I like it.
- Thank you. Mr. Hudson,

- why don't you kick us off, sir?
- Five.

- FORD: Excellent. Chief?
- Ah.

I have three children.
Lucky number three for me.

Excellent.
And you, Rabbi? [SIGHS]

I've been beaten
for being a Jew seven times,

so I'm going to say seven.

Oh, I'm sorry.
The number was four.

- [SHMUEL GROANS]
- If only you had
been beaten four times,

you would be in the car

- as opposed to leaving now.
- MAHONEY: Tough break.

- [GROANS]
- FORD: I'm so sorry.
I'm so sorry.

How can I have missed that?

I want to thank you
for coming out.

- Oh, yes, of course.
- Yes.

Really too bad for me, isn't it?

- [SOFTLY] Yeah.
- Chief Mahoney.

[WHISPERS]
There's been a jailbreak
in the Eighth Precinct.

Gentlemen, I'm sorry,
we have a police emergency.

- No. No, no.
- Thank you very much
for your time.

- No, no, no,
come back, come back.
- Look, I'm sorry.

Ooh! [LAUGHS SLOWLY]

Looks like there's just
two of us now, Mr. Ford.

[MOCKINGLY] Mr. Ford.

- All right, get in.
- SHMUEL: Ah!

- ♪ [CHEERY KLEZMER
MUSIC PLAYING] ♪
- [CAR HORN HONKING]

- [LAUGHS]
- [INDISTINCT CHATTER]

- Oy Gottenyu! Oh, look at this.
- FORD: Calm down, please.

Oh! Hello! Shalom! Shalom!

No. Don't-- Don't--
Don't talk to them.

- They're on their way.
- This is something!

- Thank you. Thank you.
- This is really something.

I never saw a gentile so smart.
How you get so smart?

- How you get so smart, huh?
- Good genes, I guess.

- What we have here? This is...
- It's my glove compartment.

SHMUEL: A glove compartment.

You have
a little compartment for...

for gloves and mints
and maybe...

a swastika?

A swastika
is an ancient Indian symbol

of strength
and nothing more, sir.

I think you have swastika!

- I don't have
a swastika! [MUTTERS]
- He has a swastika!

Ah, Hymie!

- Oh! [LAUGHS]
- [INDISTINCT CHATTER]

- Shmuel!
- Moishe, Feivel! Stop it.

- Stop the car! Stop the car!
- I am not stopping for them.

- [OVERLAPPING CHATTER]
- Stay away! Stay away!

- Stay away! Whoa, whoa! Whoa!
- [OVERLAPPING CHATTER]

- [CAR CRASHING]
- [ONLOOKERS GASPING]

[RABBIS MUTTERING INDISTINCTLY]

- RABBI: Shmuel!
- WOMAN 1: Someone please help
Mr. Ford!

WOMAN 2:
What a crash, that machine!

- MAN 1: Oh no!
- MAN 2: Henry Ford is hurt!

[FORD GROANS]

- MAN 3: Oh no!
- ♪ [MUSIC FADES] ♪

Mr. Ford?

[SIGHS]

DOCTOR: For a second,
we thought we lost you.

[IN HOARSE VOICE] What happened?

DOCTOR: Your new horseless
carriage hit a tree,

and you were thrown
into a glass window

and suffered
many lacerations.

You lost a lot of blood...
[SIGHS]

...and we were worried
we were going to lose you.

Fortunately,
we found a nearby donor

with your exact blood type.

His blood is coursing
through your veins right now.

And who is this saintly man?

SHMUEL: ♪ Hava nagila ♪

♪ Hava nagila ♪

It was a mitzvah!

[YELLS] No!

My blood brother!

No, how could this happen?

And why is it so drafty in here?

It is a bissel chilly.

- It is a bissel chilly.
- It's a bissel chilly.

And I... I need food.

I need a nosh,
or I'm gonna plotz.

We're plotzing here.

- Yes, we're plotzing.
- SHMUEL: We're plotzing.

- Nurse, can we get
some dry toast for Mr. Ford?
- No. Dry toast?

[GROANS] I want a bagel
with some schmear.

Eh, maybe some schmaltz herring?

Yeah, yeah.
Some... Some schmaltz herring,

but not too salty.

[YELLS]
Why am I talking like this?

♪ [QUIRKY JEWISH FOLK MUSIC
PLAYING] ♪

♪ [LIVELY INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC
PLAYING] ♪

- ♪ ["YANKEE DOODLE" PLAYING] ♪
- JACKSON: In 1857,
James Buchanan

became the nation's


He was, and still remains,

the only president
who never married.

When he assumed office,
he found himself

in the middle
of a growing crisis

between the northern
and southern states.

The issue,
of course, was sl*very.

Buchanan refused to take
a firm stand

on either side of the debate,

and historians blame
his passivity

as a major factor
leading to the Civil w*r.

But it's not
that he was indecisive.

It's that he was,

- let's say, distracted.
- ♪ [GENTLE STRING QUARTET
PLAYING] ♪

JACKSON: Even with the fate
of the Union in the balance,

there were other unions
on his mind.

[INDISTINCT CHATTER, LAUGHTER]

GUEST 1:
Oh, there they are.

- This is something.
- [CHUCKLES]

This is something. Look at this.
Great job, Appleton.

- [CHUCKLES]
- This is fantastic.

I can't believe
all these women are here.

- This is unbelievable.
- JOHN APPLETON: Thank you, sir.

- Holy mackerel.
- I do have one question for you.

Uh, what time is dinner?

No, no, no, no. There's no di--
There's no dinner.

It's passed apps.

- CABINET MEMBER: "Passed apps"?
- "Passed apps"?

Yeah, I got the idea
from Henry Clay.

He didn't like getting stuck

sitting next to someone
at a table,

so he came up
with the idea of passed apps.

Server walks around
with the tray,

and they'll eat standing up.

Ah, Mr. President,
it's dinner time.

I think people might be upset
if there's no dinner.

No, they're going to love it

because you're not sitting
at a table

stuck next to someone
you don't want to talk to.

So, Mr. President, I do have
one important thing to--

Oh, wait a second.

Hold your horses, Appleton.

Perhaps, uh, she'd like a word
with the 15th president.

[SIGHS] I...
Mr. President, I'm-- I'm sorry.

I don't understand.

- When's dinner?
- GUEST 2: "Passed apps"?

- [INDISTINCT CHATTER]
- GUEST 3:
Greetings, Mr. President.

- GUEST 4: Mr. President.
- Good evening.

- Good evening.
- Good evening.

- Good evening.
- GUEST 5: Good evening,
Mr. President.

Where is she? I don't see her.

- What happened to her?
- As we discussed,

Jefferson Davis
is in attendance tonight.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Da-- Yeah.

Talk of secession
is heating up.

It would be great
if you could find some time

- to speak with him.
- Yeah, yeah.

So, just please remember that.
It's important.

Oh, bo, bo, bo, bo,
bo, bo, bo.

- [APPLETON SCOFFS]
- Bo, bo, bo.

APPLETON: You're not gonna
forget to speak
to Jefferson Davis--

- Ah.
- [INDISTINCT CHATTER, LAUGHTER]

- Good evening.
- Mr. President.

You know what I love
about suspenders?

Putting them on.

'Cause at first,
they're dangling.

You know, they're down here.

And then you go like this,

- one arm in, the other arm in...
- [CHUCKLES]

...and then this move
with the shoulders.

- BEATRICE: Okay, yeah.
- It's fun, and then all day long

you're walking around
like this.

- BEATRICE: Stately. Yes.
- You know, you-- Yeah.

- How do you do? How are you?
- GUEST: Mr. President.

- [LAUGHS]
- Yeah, hello.

- Hello.
- Hello. You see? Yeah.

- Mm.
- The suspenders.

- Beautiful green dress. Yeah.
- Oh, thank you, thank you.

What else is green? [SIGHS]

Grass, grass is green. Money.

Are we just gonna
name green things?

- Pickles are green.
- Oh, you are. Okay.

Um, there's gotta be more.
Has to be.

I think there... there is more,
but we're good.

- Have you ever had a persimmon?
- No. [SIGHS]

JAMES BUCHANAN:
Interesting fruit.

Sounds like it was named
after someone.

Like there was
a guy named "Persimmon."

- You know?
- Oh, I'm all out.

- I'm gonna hit the bar.
- BUCHANAN: Jack Persimmon.

Right? Maybe it was
a man goes by Edgar...

Edgar Persimmon.

Steven Persimmon.

♪ [BRIGHT STRING QUARTET
PLAYING] ♪

Well, what is a beautiful
young woman like yourself

doing at a soiree
like this unaccompanied?

- I'm working.
- GUEST: Thank you.

I'm, uh, James Buchanan.

President of the United States.

Canapé?

What is your favorite pit?

- Pit?
- Fruit pit. Mine's a cherry.

Wonderful.

They're just fun to spit out.
You chew the cherry.

- [SMACKS LIPS, SPITS]
- SYLVIA: Oh.

- [BUCHANAN SPITS]
- Oh!

What about seeds?
Where do you stand on seeds?

I don't have a stance on seeds.

Watermelon seeds.

- They're slippery little things.
- Mm-hmm.

I have a trick
to picking them up.

I just snap them with my hand
like I'm k*lling a fly.

They stick right on your palm.
And then I eat them.

I don't think
that you are supposed

to swallow the seeds.

That's an old wives' tale.

You know,
speaking of old wives' tales,

I wouldn't mind making you
an old wife.

Excuse me?

- No good?
- I'm going to get back to work.

Oh, really? Oh, really?

♪ [BRIGHT STRING QUARTET
CONTINUES] ♪

You know, uh,
I don't have a first lady,

but you're the first lady
I've seen tonight.

We've met.

- Oh! Oh, yeah!
- [CHUCKLES AWKWARDLY]

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah!

- The green, green, green, green!
- [SOFTLY] Yeah.

Okay, the kiwi,
brown and green.

- We're done.
- Two ways. It's a two-way fruit.

Two-- It's a-- Huh? Huh?

Hello. You know how
to say that in Morse code?

Dot, dot, dot, dot... dot.

Dash, dash,
dash, dash, dash, dash.

- Huh?
- [INDISTINCT CHATTER, LAUGHTER]

- BUCHANAN: Dot, dot, dot--
- Me again.

Dash, dash...

dash, dash, dash, dash.

♪ [LIVELY STRING QUARTET
PLAYING] ♪

[INDISTINCT CHATTER]

- Oh! Oh.
- Oh! [CHUCKLES] Hello.

- Hello.
Mr. President. [CHUCKLES]
- Oh.

Have you ever had a mango?

- Oh, delicious. Very juicy.
- Uh...

You need a towel
to eat one of those things.

They drip right down your face.

- That's fascinating.
- It's got a big pit.

- CLEMENTINE: Huh.
- You like a big pit?

[SIGHS]

Oh, she doesn't like you.

I stepped on her foot earlier.

Completely accidental.
Mostly her fault, I have to say.

- CLEMENTINE: Wow.
- But I think she has palsy.

- [LOUDLY] What?
- CLEMENTINE: She's got what?

[WHISPERS]
Palsy. She's got palsy.

Has no control
of her motor skills.

I don't even know
how she's walking around.

Are you serious?
She looks fine to me.

Anyway, what color's that dress?

- It's russet. Mm.
- Russet?

- Can't think of any russets.
- Okay, good.

I'm gonna go find
something to eat.

- Russet potato.
- CLEMENTINE: Uh-huh.

I mean, I just...
I don't get it.

I'm striking out
all over the place.

I'm talking about fruit. I got
into some fruit discussions,

mangoes and papayas.

I'm talking about pits
and seeds.

- Pits!
- You were talking about pits?

Pits, yeah, pits.

Big pits, little pits,
uh, peach pits, plum pits.

I find that stuff
very interesting.

- Apparently, they don't.
- They're not pit-curious.

- They're not pit-curious.
- [SIGHS]

It's driving me crazy.

Maybe engage them
in a non-fruit-related topic.

Oh, I did that too.
I asked one who her dentist was.

She had terrible teeth.
It was a stupid question.

She was embarrassed.

I never should have asked her.
I do need a dentist, though.

Sir, is now a good time
to speak to Jefferson Davis?

BUCHANAN: This is why
I got into politics

in the first place,
to meet women.

Sir, we need you
to preserve the Union.

Talking to the South
is of the utmost importance.

- [INDISTINCT CHATTER]
- "Utmost importance"?

- Yes.
- That's it.

- That's it. That's it.
This is great.
- Thank you.

- I got an idea.
- Mm-hmm. All right.

You see that woman
in the red dress?

She's k*lling me, this one.
Here's how I can impress her.

I'm gonna go talk to her.
Now, you come up to me and say,

"Sir, there's a document
you have to sign.

The fate of the Union hangs
in the balance."

- But it-- But it actually does.
- Say that again, yeah.

The fate of the Union hangs
in the balance.

- Perfect.
- But, no...

- Oh. [CHUCKLES]
- Mr. President.

- Hello.
- Hello.

You know, I have a sixth sense.

I'm a bit of a mentalist,

where I can guess
a person's name

without knowing anything
about them.

[GASPS] Really?

- Think of your name.
Think of it.
- Mm-hmm.

- Scream it in your head.
- Mm-hmm. Screaming--

- Are you screaming?
- I'm screaming it.

Okay. I'm getting...

Open your eyes... Janet.

- No, it's not Janet.
- Gertrude?

No, not-- not...
not even close, honestly.

- Corrine?
- Uh, closer. I-- I just--

- Again, I don't... I don't--
- Clarissa?

No, I don't think
you have a gift for this.

- I just don't.
- Mr. President, Mr. President.

I have a very important document
for you to sign.

The fate of the Union hangs
in the balance.

Now, Appleton? I'm talking
to this beautiful woman...

- [MUMBLES] ...Treiman.
- My name is not Treiman.

It's a pleasure, Ms. Treiman.

It-- That's not my name.
It's not even a name. That--

- Oh.
- What-- What is it about?

Well, we are... [SIGHS]

We're going to w*r with Italy.

Why are we going
to w*r with Italy?

Tomato issue.

- They're hoarding tomatoes.
- CORDELIA: Oh!

It's not a big issue,
Ms. Treiman.

- BUCHANAN: Well, he doesn't...
- Again, my name is not Treiman.

You don't know, Appleton,
what's really going on.

But are we going
to w*r over tomatoes?

And bell peppers.

What-- What is happening
with bell peppers?

Well, they're hoarding
the peppers as well.

Do we need these so badly?

BUCHANAN:
Yes, yes, we do, we do.

And you know, tomatoes,
they're not a vegetable.

- They're a fruit. And...
- Y-- Sure.

And they're red. [CLICKS TONGUE]

- What else is red?
- CORDELIA: Wait.

Please don't make us go
to w*r over tomatoes.

APPLETON:
It's not that big a deal,
Ms. Treiman.

CORDELIA: It's not Treiman!

[INDISTINCT CHATTER]

Okay, that was great.

The next one, we find out
the name beforehand,

and then I come up and guess it.

I'll blow their f*cking minds.

Sir, I must insist you speak
to Jefferson Davis.

Okay, let's do it.

- I'll do it. Let's go.
- [SIGHS]

They just keep walking around
with these trays.

- I don't understand.
- GUEST: "Passed apps"?

JEFFERSON DAVIS: I mean,
I can't even imagine--

If you gentlemen will excuse us.

Mr. President.

- Senator Davis...
- Mm.

...I have a few ideas
about Kansas I think that

can make everybody happy.

They've just been passing out
hors d'oeuvres the whole time.

When is dinner?

- Yeah, no. There's no dinner.
- There's no dinner? Wh--

- No, yeah.
- Are you serious?

Yeah, yeah.
It's something called, uh,

passed... passed apps.
Like, like, ri--

- [SIGHS, SCOFFS]
- DAVIS: That's what I mean.

- It's just these bullshit trays.
- [BUCHANAN HESITATES]

I stepped on her toe before.

I think there's something wrong
with her.

I don't give a f*ck
about you stepping on her toe.

I am starving right now.
I had a... a sandwich

that's the size
a baby would eat.

I had crackers with bullshit

- on top of it.
- BUCHANAN: All right.

I'm almost certain I had
a pig's d*ck wrapped in bacon.

Well, this is a new thing, okay?

It's called
passed hors d'oeuvres.

They go around,

and you... you just...
you just eat it standing up.

No, hors d'oeuvres
are not dinner.

They're a precursor to dinner.
They're not in lieu of dinner.

If you eat enough, it's in lieu.

- DAVIS: Oh,
if I eat enough of it?
- It's lieu. It's in lieu.

I happen to like salad
with my dinner.

- No, salad-- salad doesn't--
- Will there be salad?

It doesn't work here.

- You gotta eat it
with a fork standing up.
- Mm.

- No, that doesn't work.
- Okay.

Can I expect
any bread and butter

- at the bare minimum?
- BUCHANAN: Well...

You know,
I like bread and butter

as much as the next guy.

Especially if you warm
the bread.

- Of course warm the bread.
- And the butter melts.

- Of course.
- Come on, it's great.

You put the butter
on top of it...

- Oh, my God!
- ...and it melts into the bread.

Oh, it's orgasmic.

Yes, where is
that bread and butter?

- Doesn't work for this.
- It just doesn't work.

Maybe it's not
exactly the same as a meal.

I'll give you that.
But it's got its advantages.

If it's a dinner,
people linger at the table.

They stay too long.
We don't like the lingering.

Well, maybe not in the North.

In the South,
we love the lingering.

We actually prefer
a languid end to the meal.

It's part of the process.

Well, in the North,

we don't enjoy
a languid end to the meal.

We want to eat and go home,

and put on our pajamas
and pick up a book

- and relax.
- Well--

We don't want to sit at a table

making a lot
of chit-chat bullshit

- every--
- It's like a family!

Those are the last people
I want to be talking to.

That's who I want
to surround myself with.

- BUCHANAN: Oh, yeah?
Well, when--
- Cousins and second cousins.

I don't want
to connect with anybody.

I want to finish dessert
and go home.

I'll tell you something else.

- Yeah?
- I couldn't imagine

living in a country

where half the population...
[SCOFFS]

...doesn't linger after a meal.

And I couldn't imagine living
in a lingering country.

- ♪ [TENSE MUSIC PLAYING] ♪
- The southern states

are meeting in three days.

- Good evening.
- Oh, yeah.

Go. Go and secede.

- Ooh, ooh, ooh. Secede.
- I will go and secede.

- We might secede.
- Oh, you're--
Oh, we're so scared.

- You should be.
[YELLS] Get away from me!
- Oh, you're gonna secede.

Yeah. Oh, yeah.
This, this, this is a meal.

- Dinner!
- Don't you dare tell me
that's dinner

- when clearly it's not dinner.
- Oh. This is dinner!

- DAVIS: That's bullshit!
- ♪ [MUSIC FADES] ♪

- [GUESTS MURMURING]
- GUEST 1: How rude!

♪ [DRAMATIC STRING MUSIC
PLAYING] ♪

GUEST 2: Mr. President.

♪ [LIVELY INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC
PLAYING] ♪

- ♪ [QUIRKY MUSIC PLAYING] ♪
- JACKSON: In the late 19th
and early 20th centuries,

polio was one of the most
feared diseases in the world,

with outbreaks routinely
k*lling thousands

and crippling many more,

including President Franklin D. Roosevelt.

But in the early 1950s,

a U.S. physician
named Jonas Salk

created the first
successful polio vaccine.

It was a game changer.

In the years that followed,
Dr. Albert Sabin

created an oral vaccine
that was cheaper to produce

and easier to administer.

And by 1979,
polio had been eliminated

from the United States,

thanks to widespread
vaccination.

Let me repeat that.

Thanks to
widespread vaccinations.

- [CROWD CHEERING]
- JACKSON: Due to
his pioneering work,

Jonas Salk saved countless lives
across the globe,

and made his mother very proud.

Very, very proud.

♪ [JOLLY UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING] ♪

- [BIRDS CHIRPING]
- [DOOR OPENING]

DORA SALK: Oh!

- Hello, Evelyn.
- ♪ [MUSIC FADES] ♪

Good afternoon, Dora.
How are you?

Quite well, quite well. Evelyn.

I don't know
if I happened to mention...

- [SIGHS, MUTTERS] Here we go.
- ...that my son Jonas

is appearing in front
of Congress next week.

Yes, you've mentioned that
before, several times.

DORA: And do you know
why he's appearing

- in front of Congress?
- Yes.

Because he discovered
the cure for polio!

EVELYN: Yes, he did, Dora.

My Jonas discovered
the cure for polio.

- He did.
- He's so brilliant.

- EVELYN: Very smart.
- Jonas...

Jonas, come down and tell Evelyn

how you discovered
the cure for polio.

I don't have
the time right now, Mom.

I'm pretty busy.

- I got a lot of work to do.
- Of course.

Okay, but hello, Evelyn.
How are you?

EVELYN: Jonas,
it's such a pleasure to see you.

Lovely to see you, too.
You look well.

Oh, thank you, Jonas.

Okay, I just have a lot
of work to do.

- So, forgive me, okay?
- I understand.

- Thank you.
- EVELYN: All right.

- Keep up the good work.
- Jonas, work on cancer.

It's k*lling people.
He'll do it. He'll do it.

- The cure for cancer.
- Maybe.

- DORA: Maybe cancer.
- Maybe.

- You know what?
- EVELYN: Yeah?

I knew from the time

- he was a little boy...
- EVELYN: Did you?

...that he was destined
for greatness.

- We gave him a chemistry set.
- Uh-huh.

And, of course,
he started a fire.

- Oh!
- I didn't hear the end of it
from Daniel.

- He was furious. Furious.
- EVELYN: Oh, that's so funny.

He said, "I don't know what
I'm gonna do with this boy."

Well, yeah.

And I said, "Daniel,
you wait 'cause, one day,

that boy is going
to make you very proud."

A mother knows.

- And if they don't give him
the Nobel Prize this year...
- Uh-huh.

...I'm going to Sweden
and I'm going

- to wring their necks.
- Are you?

Wring their necks
till I choke them dead.

I'll choke them dead.

All right, Dora.
Seriously, let it be.

Do you know that Jonas hasn't
made a nickel from this vaccine?

He didn't get a patent for it.

- He just wants to serve mankind.
- He's a very good boy.

I was wondering
why he was still living here,

but I understand now.

We have lovely children.
It's a blessing.

- It's a blessing.
Yes, I know. I know.
- It is! It is a blessing.

How is Timothy doing?

Well, thank you
for asking, Dora.

- DORA: Of course.
- I know that wasn't easy. Uh...

[HESITATES] Very well. He's--

He's with the suits
and the ties?

EVELYN: At Robert Hall.

He just got promoted,

and he is the youngest manager

in the history of the company.

He's what?

[YELLS] The youngest manager
in the history of the company.

- Oh! Hey, Jonas.
- EVELYN: Yeah.

- Jonas! Timothy...
- Yeah, Ma? Yeah.

He's the manager at Robert Hall.

He could get you
a new suit for Congress.

- Oh, that's a terrific idea.
- DORA: Right?

And, Jonas,
he's the youngest manager

- in the history of the company.
- The what?

The youngest manager
in the history of the company.

That's wonderful. That's great.

Let him get you a new suit
for Congress, Jonas.

I got suits, Ma.
I got plenty of suits.

Jonas, how many times
do you go before Congress?

I don't need a suit.
That's very nice, though.

- Thank you, Ma.
- It's from Robert Hall.

- Custom tailor on premises!
- DORA: Oh!

I'll think about it.
Can I think about it?

- Oh! You'll think about it.
- Okay.

You're not going
to think about it.

I'm going to think about it, Ma.
I have plenty of suits.

DORA: No, you're not gonna
think about it. I know you.

- Jesus.
- DORA: You're not gonna think--

He's busy.

They don't want
to hear from their mother.

He doesn't care about clothing.

He only cares about humanity.

- Right.
- He's healing the world, my boy.

My Jonas. Jonas!

- Yes, Ma?
- You're healing the world!

I'm doing my best, Ma.

You came from here, from me!

- I did it!
- Okay.

You're doing wonderfully.
Wonderfully.

He's a lovely, lovely boy, Dora.

DORA: And so is your Timothy.

I wonder why
they never became friends.

- Well, Timothy was sporty.
- Sporty?

He was going to be a pitcher
for the Yankees,

but he decided
that he wants a simple life.

He wants to be in Robert Hall.

Yes.

Is he still dating that...
that heavy set girl

with the, you know,
the meeskite I saw

a few weeks
ago in front of the house?

- She's a lovely girl, Dora.
- Huh?

- EVELYN: A lovely girl.
- Huh. That's nice.

You know, I just read
Albert Sabin is coming out

with an oral polio vaccine.

[SPITS]

I spit on Sabin.

Don't ever mention his name
to me again.

"Oral vaccine"?

That boy up there,

was in a laboratory till
two o'clock every morning...
- EVELYN: Okay.

...seven days a week.

That Sabin's a fraud.

- He's a charlatan.
- EVELYN: Okay.

You mention his name
to me again,

- it'll be curtains for you.
- EVELYN: Yeah. [MUTTERS]

Curtains, Evelyn.

There can be more than one!

No, there's just one.
And that's him.

[YELLS] That's the one!

- [DOOR OPENS]
- Oh, that vaccine's going
to k*ll people.

It's going
to give them heart attacks.

Oh, drop dead, Bobby.
You should die a dog's death.

I heard it shrivels up
your jewels!

Oh, please,
give me a break, okay?

You don't know
anything about science.

- I know more than you do.
- You're not a doctor.

If I was in charge,
I'd make sure

that no kids
took that vaccine.

- That goes for measles, too.
- Oh, if you were in charge?

- BOBBY: That's right.
- Oh, God, help us all.

If some idiot, some moron
ever put you in charge,

that would be
a dark day for humanity,

- I can tell you that.
- Ah!

- Ma! Ma. Ma. Ma. Relax, relax.
You don't need to talk to him.
- DORA: That would be--

He doesn't know what he's talk--
You don't know what
you're talking about, Bobby.

I dunno what I'm talking about?
You guys are crazy over there
with your vaccines.

- Yeah, you're right,
we're crazy, Bobby.
- Yeah, that's right.

- We're completely
out of our minds.
- Yes, we're crazy.

Thanks to you,
everybody's gotta take vaccines.

It's like n*zi Germany, Adolf.

- Adolf? How dare you call
my boy Adolf!
- Excuse me?

- He's Adolf!
- JONAS SALK: How are we
like n*zi Germany?

- How dare you compare my son
to that monster?
- [GATE CREAKING]

- Jonas is saving lives, Bobby!
- MAN 1: Hello?

- SALK: It's okay.
- BOBBY: Instead of
wasting your time on vaccines...

Excuse me?

- Is this 437B, 69th Street?
- ...take the chemicals
out of the water!

- This is 439. Uh, I think
you're looking for next door.
- BOBBY: Oh, and by the way,

fluoride causes
gender confusion.

- I'm smart enough to drink...
- Oh, yeah.

...unpasteurized milk every day.

Drink the milk right
from the cow,

take it from the tit.
Everybody knows it.

- Does everybody know that, Bob?
- BOBBY: Everybody knows that.

Oh, and by the way,
the Spanish flu,

it's a bioweapon,
except it's designed,

not to touch Ashkenazi Jews
and Chinese people.

And the government doesn't
want you to know about that.

- MAN 1: Yeah, that's him.
- Yes, I cut the head off
a whale with a chainsaw,

but I put the head up
on my wall, so I made use of it.

- Hey, what are you doing?
- [OVERLAPPING CHATTER]

- I'm not crazy.
- DORA: Lock him up.

He's got worms in his brain!

And he's got a dead bear
in his trunk!

- I'm going to eat that bear!
- He's a sicko!

- I'm going to eat that bear.
- Okay. Let's take a walk.

Maybe when you're done with him,
you can come back for her.

[LAUGHS]

This Jonas! He's so funny.

- [MUTTERS]
- He's funnier than all
those comedians.

- What?
- Henny Youngman
and Milton Berle.

He could have been a comedian,
but he chose science.

He chose science
because he's a Jonas!

He's a Jonas!

He's my Jonas!

♪ ["THE STARS
AND STRIPES FOREVER" PLAYING] ♪

♪ [MUSIC CONCLUDES] ♪