She's the He (2025)

[bunniefuu]

Drain me

Drip drop in the dark

Butterfly, baby

Waterfall, super soak

Do or die, crazy

Tip of my tongue

Sweet and sour

Back in my car In the shower

Take it too far

Take what you want

-You want, you want You want.

-Drain me

Drain me

Got me wrapped around you

Got me lying at your...

Hey, um, I think we need

some space in this relationship.

I, I love our thing,

but I need girls to know

I'm available for sex

and I, I think it looks

too much like we're dating.

We can totally

stay friends, but...

Back of my car In the shower

I think we need some time apart.

-Alex, f*ck off.

-f*ck.

Jesus Christ.

Drain me

Drip drop in the dark

Butterfly, baby

Waterfall, super soak

Do or die, crazy

Tip of my tongue

Sweet and sour

Back of my car In the shower

Take it too far

Take what you want

You want, you want

You want -Drain me

-Who? Who thinks we're g*y?

-Dude, everyone.

Literally every person at school

thinks we f*ck. Even Tristan.

-And nobody f*cking talks to that kid.

-Say cheese.

-You're exaggerating.

-I'm not exaggerating.

Remember when the vice principal

made us rearrange her room,

-"'Cause you boys have an eye for design"?

-Well, you do.

Last year, that g*y

senator got elected and everybody

-congratulated us.

-Well, that was a nice thing

-that happened.

-We just got added to the g*y-Straight Alliance

'cause they were short on gays.

What more evidence

-do you need?

-Well, at least they don't know

-you're a virgin.

-That's not even true. I'm not a virgin.

-Lucid dreams don't count.

-Yes, they do.

-Wait, Mom, Mom, Mom. Not too much.

-No.

-Please.

-I'm just taking off the ends, honey.

-Okay.

-Three, two...

No, bro. Mary,

take this all off. I mean,

he is really starting

to look like a girl.

-No!

-What? I'm just saying,

when they did your circumcision,

I think they sneezed

-and, you know, took it all off.

-I hate you.

Alex, you know

he's not circumcised.

-You've seen his p*nis.

-Mom!

College girls,

they're gonna love it.

I remember I went crazy for

grunge guys back in the '90s. Mm!

And you just forgot which

bassist is Ethan's dad or...

Really, Alex, that's the way

we're gonna go?

Your dad tried to sleep

with me, so...

-What?

-I said no 'cause I don't like blue-collar.

Well, lucky for you, I'm CEO-bound,

so get in on the ground floor, baby.

Stop. Stop flirting with my mom.

Don't worry, baby, I don't want a

husband. I've already got a son.

Whatever. I don't need this.

My d*ck belongs

to another anyway.

We suggest you

decorate your graduation caps

with any fun designs

that are relevant to you.

Uh, for instance, Ethan and

Alex, you might do rainbows

or, or something like, um, Bert

and Ernie doing poppers together.

You know? Uh,

something that feels organic.

Ethan, I am a pussytarian, and this

sh*t is giving me an eating disorder.

Alex, you've never kissed a

woman on the mouth or the p*ssy

-in your life.

-Shut the f*ck up! Don't tell anybody that.

-This is serious.

-Uh, if it were me,

you know, I, I might do

my Wellbutrin prescription

and, and my cat,

and, uh, I don't know,

my ex-wife, who I, um...

Deeply respect as, as a friend.

You could have just joined theater

at any point and talked to her.

Yeah, like that was gonna

make me seem less g*y.

Might as well walk around

with a d*ck in my mouth like...

"To be or not to be."

What am I supposed to say, like,

"Oh, hey, Sasha, I used to think

d*ck was yummy, yummy, but now

that I know your p*ssy's on the menu..."

Your sexuality is

literally allowed to change.

-You know that, right?

-Not at this school.

Davis f*cked that for all of us.

-What does that mean?

-Last year, remember he lied about being g*y

-till he got really close to one of Sasha's girls?

-Play the game, Davis!

And at the end of the year

sleepover, he f*cked Jude Lee.

That's why they hate him.

Hey, now, Forest,

you can't hit the g*y kids.

I am g*y, Doug.

Well, your sport's g*y, okay?

There's a difference.

-Well, then why don't you just go talk to Sasha?

-Becky...

It's literally the last week of

school. What do you have to lose?

-Right in the lip ring!

-She thinks I'm g*y.

I can't go backwards.

We just talked about this.

She'll never believe I'm

instantly changing my sexuality.

I promise you that the moment

you open your mouth,

she will realize

that you are heterosexual.

Well, you want me to lose.

So that's h*m*, isn't it?

-f*ck off, Davis!

-Gladly!

Hey, this might be

inappropriate, but you guys know

where I can get some molly

around here?

f*ck! f*ck, Jacob!

Jacob, God damn it!

What did I say

about them h*m*?

See, even when I try

to talk to girls,

I'm taking ba*ls to the face.

-This is why I think we can't live together next year.

-What?

If people think we're g*y now,

imagine when we're living

in the same room.

-Oh, God, we're gonna be in bunk beds.

-Alex, shut up.

When did this

become about college?

You don't understand.

If I don't start hitting p*ssy

on my dad's timeline,

my future is f*cked.

Do you really wanna work at

your dad's construction company?

No. I'm gonna own

my dad's construction company.

Apparently, virgins

can't own construction companies.

-Well, I mean, he's not wrong.

-Okay, whatever.

Alex, are you... Are

you being for real right now?

I love you.

You're my best friend.

And I know there's a world

where I'm getting hot girls

and you're in my life.

You just need to change who

you are on a fundamental level.

-Alex!

-Wait, what?

You just need to change who

you are on a fundamental level.

-Hey.

-I'm coming, Dad!

Wait, Alex, that's not

how you end a conversation.

-Can I help you, sir?

-Yeah.

-Let me see an ID.

-Well, what size?

-Hey, Mom.

-Mm?

Uh, the color, material?

Would it be, like, a big problem

if I was g*y?

I'm sorry.

Are we doing coming out?

Is that what's happening?

Uh, no, but...

I don't really...

No, no, it's just like, if

everyone else thinks that I'm g*y,

then am I not, like,

clocking something or...

Do you feel g*y?

-Mom, stop. Stop.

-Oh, I mean... No, I mean, I'm...

Sorry. Obviously no.

Is it...

-Wait, is this about Alex?

-Oh.

f*ck, no. I mean, even if I

was g*y, it would not be for him.

I don't know,

he's kind of handsome.

Mom, first of all, ew.

But... No.

Look, Ethan, I think

you are an exceptional guy,

and how other people see you,

that's not who you are.

You decide who you are.

The

h*m*, it is true, at times,

does adopt the clothing

or the makeup of a woman

to lure members of his own sex,

but this is not so

for the transves...

Okay, I came back

Stuntin' too hard

I came back stuntin' too...

-Hey.

-What? What?

Well... Nothing. I

just, I, I wanna stay friends still.

Can we do this later? It's... I'm

trying to get f*cking ripped right now.

I, I just...

I was thinking last night, okay?

And, and the only way

that I could think of

to make you seem not super-g*y

is if I was a girl, but...

-Dude, what are you talking about?

-Well, think about it.

If everyone thinks

we're dating, right?

And I was just suddenly a girl,

then that would technically

make you straight.

But I would still be f*cking you.

Would you be f*cking a butt?

Well, you would heterosexually

be f*cking a butt.

That's not the problem.

The problem is that...

-You would be trans.

-Exactly. And that's not something

I can just, like, lie about.

...three songs I'm workin'

-So we workin'

I roll a couple Backwoods

Then I'm burning...

Well, maybe we can lie about it.

Wh... What... No, I, I was

just saying that I can't, Alex.

-That's, like, really f*cked up.

-No, no, no, no, no. Not you.

Both of us.

We both pretend to be trans.

Think about

it. This will fix all of our problems.

We're basically already pretending

to be g*y, so why don't we just, like,

level up and take it one

step further? You're a genius.

-I can't tell if you're being serious right now.

-No.

-You're a genius. This is your best idea yet.

-Are you being serious?

-No. No. No.

-Come on.

-No, no, no, Alex.

-You're a genius. I love it.

Ethan, I just got...

Alex! Alex, stop!

This is a bad idea.

Alex!

Hey! hey!

Stop!

Would you relax?

It's gonna be fine.

Think about it.

They can't do sh*t to us

without being transphobic.

This plan is bulletproof, okay?

This is a direct path to Sasha's

heart. p*ssy.

Um, and her t*ts, which are the

pussies of the chest. Put that on.

-Just put that on.

-Alex!

Ethan! Oh, f*ck,

you need a new name.

I don't think you can be

a girl named Ethan.

Blake Lively's name is Blake.

Yeah, but Ryan Reynolds

isn't going,

"Oh, yeah, Blake,

that p*ssy is mine, Blake."

Oh, well, what, do you think

he's going, "Oh, yeah, Blake Lively",

-that p*ssy is mine, Blake Lively"?

-I don't know.

If I was f*cking her, I think

I would call her Blake Lively.

I don't care! Alex, my mom

cannot find out about what...

whatever this is. She was literally

transphobic last night to my face.

Okay, whose parents aren't

f*cking transphobic? It's fine.

We'll just tell all the girls

my parents are Catholic,

and if they find out,

my dad will f*cking crucify us

like girl d*ck's in the wind.

No. No, no, no, I'm sorry. Bye!

Don't leave...

f*ck.

-They're coming. They're coming.

-What? Who?

-The girls.

-All of them?

-Yeah!

-f*ck!

-What did you think would happen?

-I don't know.

In my head, it was just Sasha.

-Why?

-She's all I think about.

-f*ck.

-No. Come here.

I don't want the girls to see me

change. I don't want them to know

-I have a tiny d*ck.

-Then what was your plan here?

Because that seems

obviously bulging to all of this!

You know

I'm still growing.

-Three inches out of both hands.

-Oh, my God!

Sit down!

Ow.

-Wait. Ladies first.

-I hate you.

-I was talking about myself!

-Please, y'all, help me.

Whoa.

Girl, what the f*ck?

Oh, my God. How many

tampons did you lose up there?

Oh, at least two maybe?

-Forest, no, wash your hands, please.

-No,

vaginas are self-cleaning.

I can just reach up in there.

No, you can't. That's

how yeast infections happen.

You should know this.

Where are y'all going?

We're sanitizing

our hands, Victoria.

We don't wanna reach inside

of you with sh*t on our fingers.

Okay.

Well, guys, y'all,

everyone just stop, okay?

Just let Sasha and Forest do it.

I feel like there's too many

cooks in my, my kitchen.

I don't wanna get,

like, toxic shock, y'all.

-Hurry.

-Oh, my God. Oh, babe.

I think you're really

gonna have to reach up inside me.

I need to dry my hands.

Just grab a

towel from the shower.

Uh, hello. Hello, women.

-Those wh*res?

-Those wh*res

are starting rumors about us.

This is so exciting for me.

Welcome. Come on, come on.

Don't be shy.

Oh. Um, sorry,

what are your names?

Oh, I'm Alex, this is Ethan.

-Okay, Alexa and Ethana.

-Just Alex is good.

Shh. Don't interrupt me.

So, here's the deal.

Being a woman isn't

all fun and games

and shaking a*s and self-care.

Especially if you're trans.

Okay? So if you're gonna

do this correctly,

you need to pass

like real girls.

Mm. Like this

situation going on, I...

I don't wanna be a b*tch, um, but

you're built like a cardboard box,

and this little mermaid getup

is not doing you any favors.

-I can take it off.

-Ooh. No.

Honestly, you should

probably wear a hoodie.

Forest is probably your size.

You could borrow from them.

Sup, player?

Not much, bro.

Come on. Okay? The weird girls

are the last venture of p*ssy

we gotta hit for graduation. And that sh*t might be crazy.

-It might have dyed hair.

-I don't know, dude.

My sister says

they peg guys like me.

So you're a transgender woman?

Yeah. Both of us gals.

-You're doing much better than her.

-Who?

-Alexa.

-Oh.

Don't tell her I said that.

Okay.

Okay, so, what kind

of makeup look do you want?

Respectfully, I don't think

I'm much of a makeup girl.

Every girl's a makeup girl. Girls

wear makeup and hate their legs,

and boys wear baseball hats

and don't wash their a*s.

-That's how it works.

-Okay.

f*ck off, Jacob!

Look at these fagots.

Fantastic

news! We have a gender reveal!

f*ck!

So, what are your new names?

Just Ethan is fine.

-Okay.

-I'm actually keeping Alex too.

It's pretty gender fluid anyway.

You want

some of my gender fluid?

-Oh, he talking about p*ssy.

-Jacob!

Oh, and what are your pronouns?

Well, we'll make

an intercom announcement

so no one messes up.

She/her, he/him,

they/them, it/it...

Whoa, what are you doing?

You can't be in here!

You can't be in here. Come on,

I need to finish your makeup.

No, thank you.

If you don't let me do this, it's like

you're taking something from me,

and that's not

very "girls supporting girls."

-Oh.

-Do you pee sitting down or standing up?

I, I don't think you're

allowed to ask that. Really.

-What's that?

-Oh, those are for the boys.

They wear them every show

to hold their mic packs.

We're not staying here. The stage is

for us to steal and the costume room.

Ta-da!

-Wow.

-Did you pick that out yourself?

Oh, no. Alex just kind

of threw it at me, so...

I want you to try something on.

Take that bra off.

Ethan?

Sasha?

Hello?

-Jesus!

-Sorry.

I didn't think anyone was

in here.

Dude, is that a potato g*n?

Yeah. Miss Beacher's having me

build it for graduation.

She wants confetti to,

like, go everywhere, and...

-Dude, how do you get this to sh**t?

-Bro.

-Oh. Duh.

-Please.

Safety first.

Okay. Gee, I'm sorry.

I'm so excited. I haven't seen

one of these in ages.

I, I tried to build one

when I was a kid,

but I always had, like, that,

you know, like, turn valve thing,

and then every time I shot it,

it would go...

Oh, yeah. Uh-huh. Okay.

Well, you know, the secret to it

is an electric shut-off valve.

-Dude!

-Mm-hmm, for sprinklers.

Yeah, so I just wired that

to the button so it auto opens.

Dude, how do you know

how to do electrical?

Well, I have to make the lights work for the shows.

That's, that's so sick. I've always wanted

to know how to do this kind of stuff,

I... My dad has, like,

a construction thing,

but he won't teach me 'cause,

like... I'm too short

and I don't have a girlfriend

and my d*ck's small.

It's fine, though.

I'm a man. He's a b*tch.

-Whatever.

-You're a man?

-I thought you were a girl now?

-Oh, yeah. That's...

f*ck. He is not gonna...

That's gonna be a tough one.

-Want me to show you how I did it?

-For real?

For real -Dude.

-Did you make this yourself?

-Yes.

Sit, please.

My, uh, top pick schools

didn't really see my talent,

so, I'm just gonna do the

costume program at the City College

until I make, make enough money

to move to New York.

And then, I'm going to corner

a director and sing at them

and be cast

in Wicked immediately.

Mm, uh...

That was kinda

good. That was kinda good.

Okay.

-Oh, my God.

-What?

Your eyes are stunning.

I, I don't know why you hide

under all this hair.

Uh, um...

-Close your eyes.

-Okay.

-This will all be over soon.

-No, no, it's, it's fine.

-Question for you.

-Mm? Yeah?

-Are you really trans?

-Are you not supposed to ask that?

-Please. I'm part of this g*y sh*t.

-Okay, well,

if you're, like,

non-binary or whatever,

why are you always hanging out

with the girls?

Because you've seen

how the guys act.

Yeah, but not all boys

are like Jacob, you know?

No, actually,

I thought Ethan was pretty cool,

but turns out she's not a boy.

-Okay, well, what about me?

-You're cooler than I thought,

but, once again, not a boy.

Okay, well, now that I'm a girl, can

you, like, start inviting me to girl sh*t?

What is this girl sh*t

you're imagining, bro?

We're not just, like, sitting around

fingering each other all the time.

You should be. But, like, don't

you just, like, hang out too?

Adjustable wrench.

-No, bro, this is a socket wrench.

-I'm sorry.

Okay?

Hey.

How about you go grab

the fake fruit

-and then you can sh**t this when I finish up?

-For real?

-For real.

-f*ck, okay.

sh*t, sorry. Okay. Got it.

It's under the football pads in,

uh, baseball bats.

We did Damn Yankees.

You know baseball players

don't wear, like,

football pads, right?

Actors don't know that.

Sasha's actually having

a grad party tonight.

-You can come if you want.

-Yes! Yes!

Don't get too excited, though. I'm only

inviting you 'cause I want Ethan there.

Totally. Yeah. I'll, um, I'll,

I gotta check our schedules.

Busy night and everything,

but, um,

we'll probably swing by. No problem.

Oh, that, it, it feels like

that's maybe a little much.

Being a pretty girl

is always too much.

-That's why it makes men so mad.

-Oh.

Thank God I'm not

pretty, so the men will love me.

b*tch, shut the f*ck up.

Yes, you are.

All women are beautiful.

Even the ran through ones.

No, I just, um,

I meant that I'm not like a,

-like a girl-girl.

-That's transphobic.

-Oh.

-Okay. Hmm.

Take a look.

See?

I'm actually a genius.

sh*t, um, I have to go to P.E.

-Here, let me help you out of this.

-Oh. Okay.

-What's up? What's that face?

-Nothing.

Mm.

You're looking

at me, like, "Ugh!"

Not looking at you like, "Ugh."

I'm not thinking about you,

I'm thinking about me.

-Hey, Mom.

-Mm?

-Do you think I look like you?

-See, I knew it.

-You are embarrassed of me.

-I'm not embarrassed, I just...

What? Are you asking,

"Are you gonna be ugly like me?"

Mom, you're literally not ugly.

Whatever.

I'm not complaining, I just,

I'm just reassuring you that, no, you

are not gonna grow up to look like me

and you're not gonna grow up

to be like me either. Thank God.

I don't know, I think you're doing just fine.

I mean, yeah, I think

I did pretty good with you.

You got your dad's good looks,

and you're a good person.

You get it.

You see me, you see women,

you get how shitty

and awful it is.

You're gonna be one of the

good guys. I mean, thank God.

-I need to have a good man around the house, okay?

-Yes.

And I'll make dinner, and then, I don't

know, maybe we could watch something.

We could watch that stupid show

with the weird guys

-that make the weird things and...

-Yeah.

Yeah. Okay.

I will.

-I'm sorry.

-Don't be.

Yeah.

-Damn, your mom used to be hot?

-God, you scared the sh*t out of me.

What, what are you doing

in my mom's room?

I have incredible news.

Okay, tell me over dinner.

My mom's cooking.

-Come on.

-No. No, no, no, no, we don't have time.

-Also, don't tell her what we're doing.

-What, what are we doing?

Okay, what do you think of a

p*ssy eating a human centipede?

A pussypede, if you will.

-I think pink eye.

-Eye drops. Good call.

-What? What are you talking about?

-Sasha's having a party tonight.

And guess who got us invited?

-Oh.

-No. No, no, no, no, no, no, no.

You are not skipping this

to go hang with your mom.

No, no, I, I, I just, I,

she's already cooking

and I promised her

that we'd watch her show.

So, you know,

but you, you can go.

That is some Norman Bates-a*s sh*t.

Dude, we're leaving for college soon.

You gotta separate

from this woman sometimes.

I... I know, I know,

I j... but I just,

I think she's

in a weird place and, like,

maybe she, like,

needs someone tonight.

Okay, well,

that someone could be a date.

We have a party to go to.

And honestly,

if she needs d*ck that bad,

I got a little time.

God, just... Stop. Time out.

-Help me, help me take out the garbage. Come on.

-All right.

Bro. How big do you think

your mom's t*ts are?

-I hate this bit. Stop.

-No, respectfully, respectfully.

I'm just wondering if I can wear

her lingerie to the party tonight

'cause I'm trying to look sexy.

-Alex, can we just not go?

-What? No, no, no, we have to go!

Please? Dude, for me. For me.

Okay? I just need to go to this

party tonight so I can talk to Sasha,

and I can show her how awesome and straight I

am, and she'll obviously fall in love with me,

and then next year, everybody

in college is gonna think that

I'm the guy

with the hot girlfriend,

and you can still

be my roommate. Okay?

And nobody will think that

I'm g*y, literally ever again.

It's perfect. And you get to be

the wingman of the century.

Well, wing woman, technically.

Come on. Just put on a dress

for a couple hours.

Nobody's gonna even know.

It's gonna be fun I think. Okay?

And then, as soon as I'm making

out with Sasha, you can come home

and watch your stupid show

with your sexy mom.

-I guess, I...

-Yes! That's a yes. That's a yes!

f*ck, we need clothes.

-Did you invite Victoria?

-Regretfully.

Bro, I hate that b*tch!

She just f*cking...

I swear, she just,

like, showed up one day.

Like, she just, like, spawned in.

Do you think Alex

and Ethan are for real?

Ethan's definitely a girl.

You should see

how much she hates herself.

Why?

I don't know,

like, the whole Davis thing.

Mm, yeah.

I really thought he was g*y.

When we did

Romeo and Juliet together,

he was totally staring

at Tristan's d*ck brand.

-Give me that.

-Right.

Yo, it's freaky in here.

-Would you calm down? Nobody's in here.

-What about her?

I'll k*ll her. Come on.

Oof. Somebody died, and it's our lucky day.

What kind of girl do you wanna

be? You could be a country girl.

You could be a cabaret star.

Ethel, Bertha,

any of these old bags?

Oh! Canadian tuxedo.

Well, it's kind

of slutty, don't you think?

Yeah, but what girl

doesn't wanna be a sl*t?

I look like my aunt that makes

cheap jewelry in Tucson.

And you look like you'd wear it.

I look like

I'd f*cking break up a marriage.

-Why the socks?

-I don't wanna be an A-cup.

-That's the worst thing you could be.

-Mm.

f*ck, I'm lopsided.

-Does that happen to girls?

-I don't know.

Okay. Let me just...

Va-va-voom.

Alex.

Alex, I don't, I don't think...

I know my husband paid

for your ab*rtion.

-We were sisters!

-You want a wig?

...some boots

And her Daisy Dukes...

What are you?

Like, g*y Easter bunny?

-She's got me

-This...

-What are you doing?

-I'm being sexy.

-Oh.

-If I'm g*y Easter bunny,

you're f*cking marching-band

Elton John.

Elton John's kinda cool.

Help! My baby!

It has a full head of hair.

More looks!

-Whoa! Oh, my God!

-More looks!

Oh, f*ck. Are you okay?

-Yeah.

-Then more looks!

-Oh.

-Can you see my ba*ls?

Mama, I don't wanna go West.

You'll be sh1tting dysentery if

I have anything to say about it.

-We're both going West!

-But, Mama...

That's not the

sound that unicorns make.

Okay, well, what, do they

make, like... -

Am I tucked in?

Is that the... phrase?

What?

You look good.

You know I like them,

you know, kind of freaky

and mentally disturbed.

-Do they feel real?

-Should, should I?

I mean, have you ever felt

a boob before?

No, Alex, and neither have you.

-Like this?

-Bro, you gotta have it in you.

I don't know.

Forward, side, forward, side.

-Come on.

-Oh. Oh...

Now throw your a*s into it.

...kissing us

Some ugly men...

What do you say when you're trying to,

like, objectify a woman's mental health?

Nothing. You don't say anything.

Sorry I love all women.

sh*t, I look good.

I look like I'm about to coach

a girls basketball team

to a state championship.

Rebound, ladies!

Actually, you know what?

I look like Dolly.

Dude, come on!

Hey, I knew it was

you two b*tches in there.

Motherfuck!

Ooh, Davis! What the f*ck

are you doing here?

I don't know, getting my p*ssy

waxed. What are you girls doing here?

We're going to Sasha's,

running from Jacob.

-You wanna drive us?

-Please.

-Fine.

-Yes! Shotgun!

Be careful.

-Oh, my God.

-Sorry.

I wanna see you naked

I don't wanna be your friend

I don't wanna be your friend

Be your friend Be your friend

I don't wanna be your friend

I wanna...

Josh, you're not listening to me.

No. No, no, no. No. Listen to me.

This party,

there's no boys here, okay?

There's trans girls here

and there's girls.

You come here,

I'm gonna f*cking spit on you.

I'm gonna spit on you,

and I'm gonna smack you.

And not in the way that you

like, you dirty b*tch. Okay?

I won't touch your d*ck for, like,

so f*cking long if you show up,

I'm not even f*cking

kidding you.

Ethan is all looking very hot,

and Alex is a...

completely different story.

-I love myself.

-That's totally valid.

It's just you can maybe love yourself

in a more aesthetically pleasing way.

Whatever. Leather's

for the gays, isn't it?

-Oh, my God.

-What, I'm learning, okay? It's my community now.

I'm diving in.

Just shut up, please.

I mean... you're

definitely not a leather q*eer.

-What do you know? You're straight anyway.

-Oh, my God. No, I'm not!

-Yeah, well, what about that girl?

-Jude Lee?

-Uh-huh.

-He's trans.

-What?

-Yeah, all right? He came out a month into college.

He just didn't wanna tell

the girls, so I kept his secret.

-You, you let the girls hate you just to keep his secret?

-Yeah.

I mean, they're only allies

when it's convenient for them.

I'm not gonna surround myself

or be friends with people

that are constantly questioning

my sexuality.

-Yeah.

-Anyway, um... be careful tonight,

stick together, do not trust

anyone except each other.

-You got it?

-Got it.

Now, get out of my car,

because I have to go black out

-with my dads and watch Funny Girl.

-Okay.

Alex, please be careful

with those big f*cking feet.

-I'm trying... I'm stuck...

-Let it ge...

-You gotta twist.

-on the fringe. I'm stuck

-on the fringe.

-No, I know.

-Alex. Alex. Alex, can you stop for a second?

-What?

-Let's go. Come on.

-I... Look, just pause.

Can we, can we, can we do

a serious really fast?

Oh, I don't wanna do a serious,

okay? They're seriously hot girls...

But, but I ne...

I need to do a serious.

Okay. I'm sorry.

f*ck your serious.

-I seriously need to get this d*ck sucked.

-Well...

Welcome to womanhood, sluts.

And now, the

five merry mistresses

of the Ryder High Barebacks

in... -

Oh, my... f*ck.

-Is this straight vodka?

-Baby b*tches don't need chasers,

and I'm literally 18.

-p*ssy!

-p*ssy.

p*ssy.

You need

to learn how to swallow.

-That's literally a female coming of age experience.

-Bro, shut up.

-Not all of us suck d*ck.

-She's trans.

That doesn't automatically mean

that she sucks d*ck.

I actually f*ck women all the time, so...

You're trans-l*sbian?

That's literally so special.

Wait. Y'all too never...

No! That's

never been true. Okay?

-Come on. We've all experimented.

-Really?

-No.

-I literally kissed you.

Yeah, and then you immediately

pulled back, said "Yuck,"

and set my whole coming out

experience, like, at least a year back.

-Don't be a salty b*tch.

-This is boring.

I wanna see y'all kiss.

Seven minutes in heaven.

No.

-Come on, come on, come on.

-Leave 'em be.

Leave 'em be.

-So...

-I'm not going to kiss you.

Okay, that's not what

the "so" was about.

What are you so smiley about?

Don't worry about it.

It doesn't have to do with you.

Oh, it doesn't have

to do with me?

Because last I checked,

we were stuck

-in somebody's f*cking truck together.

-Okay, well,

-it's not about you.

-What is it?

It...

I...

think I might be trans.

-Yeah, you are. So am I.

-Oh, my God.

-Are you keeping up with the plan?

-No, in, in, in real life.

What?

Back at the theater with Sasha,

she put this dress on me,

and once I had it on, you know,

something, like, kinda clicked.

And that, that was the thing,

the, the thing that I was trying

to tell you earlier,

that was the serious. So...

Are you f*cking kidding me?

-You got f*cking changed in front of Sasha?

-What? What? No. What?

-Was she naked too?

-No. Oh, my God, Alex.

-My number one crush! f*ck.

-I... Can... Can I... Alex!

-Does Sasha think about me at all?

-Can I please get

-a reaction to this?

-To what? I'm heartbroken.

-To... T... Trans.

-Sorry, what does this have to do with me?

Oh, my God, it has nothing to

do with you. This isn't a you thing.

That's what I was trying to say.

It, it...

Are you still going

to be my friend?

-Oh, b*tch!

-Alex!

Oh, sorry. Is that misogynistic

of me to say no?

-I probably shouldn't hit you...

-What? Just stop.

Tell me what's going

through your head right now.

I mean, honestly?

This makes

so much sense.

Every crush you've ever had

is a l*sbian.

-Uh...

-Facts.

-Okay, well, I...

-Facts.

Honestly, I used

to think it was like,

kind of like, like,

kind of look like dudes,

but this math actually makes

a lot more sense.

Hold on, hold on.

I have not, I have not

exclusively been attracted

to lesbians.

Oh, do I need

to pull out the records? Okay.

Middle school, that girl with the

imaginary horse she used to ride

around the lunchroom? Oh, what was her name?

-You know, with the basketball shorts?

-Oh, okay.

Well, basketball shorts aren't...

They don't,

don't directly mean l*sbian.

Okay, well,

she's dating Claudia Parker now.

-Okay, fine. That's one.

-You also had a crush on Claudia Parker.

That's two. Boom.

-Devastating for you that they're dating now?

-It's fine.

-I'm just... Sorry. Don't sh**t the messenger.

-It's fine!

What about Forest?

-Forest is g*y. Forest is hot.

-I...

Um, I mean,

Forest is kinda scary.

No, dude, Forest is actually really

cool. We're like...

-Homies now. Like, for real.

-I don't think you're hom...

Who do you think invited me to this party?

I can get you in those non-binary pants.

-Hey, yo. Hey, yo

-Stop.

-What? What?

-Stop. Gross, gross.

Look, I'm, I'm, uh...

I'm kind of having a good time

for, like, the first time

in my life, so...

could we just,

like, enjoy tonight?

Dude, yes! That's what I'm f*cking talking about!

-Ow. That hurt.

-Sorry. Okay.

That's the energy I like,

though.

-Yo, what's up?

-Hey, girl.

I'm such a Cancer

I wish I had the answer, baby

But I'm quite a mess now

It takes...

-Um, do you, uh, you come here a lot?

-This is my house.

Right.

Hi.

Can I, um...

Yes, you can sit down.

-Thanks for inviting us.

-Um, yeah,

I think we all just needed

some girl time.

Totally. I'm always looking for girl time.

You should get that fixed.

Forest.

-So...

-So how did you know that you weren't a girl?

Whoa. That's a crazy thing

-to come right out with.

-Yeah, I know. I'm...

I'm sorry. I, uh,

I'll, I'll leave.

No. Hey. It's fine.

Just ask me in a different way.

Okay.

Um, how did you...

How did you know

that you weren't cis?

How do you?

So, I thought you were always

supposed to have known

and, like, wanted

to k*ll yourself and stuff?

Yeah, I, I guess, um,

I just sort of woke up one day

and was like,

-"f*ck, Barbies are tight."

-Oh.

-Okay, I get it.

-Yeah.

-Word. Yeah, totally.

-Crossed off. Yeah.

I mean, my childhood was,

like, super traumatizing too.

-Yeah.

-Yeah, I was Annie and Annie.

-Oh, f*ck. Did you...

-So, lot of pressure.

-Yeah.

-Right?

Sasha put me in a dress,

and, and she did my makeup.

And, um, uh, um,

something kind of...

happened.

Okay. What happened?

Um...

I guess...

I saw myself getting older...

and that's never happened

to me before.

I guess I've never really,

like, thought about the future.

I don't know, I just,

I realized, "Oh,

I can maybe... live like this."

-I don't know, I just, I...

-Welcome to the club.

It's actually pretty cool.

It's mostly awesome.

It's fun.

Actually,

it's not really that fun.

-There's fun parts of it.

-Cool.

You're so weird.

Caught me. Oh.

Oh, my God.

Stop. Okay.

Um... Well,

can you tell me about it?

Because I'm, I'm,

like, I'm new to this.

Yeah. I don't know if we're,

like, the same brand of this.

Like...

Totally. Yeah.

Um, I mean...

we're both...

um, maybe g*y?

-What?

-Mm?

I, oh, I, I just, I,

you know, I said "g*y."

-Hmm.

-Or... mm, l*sbian?

Oh.

So, like, you made that? You're,

like, multi-talented or whatever?

Uh, I mean, I wouldn't say that.

-More like multi-hyphenate.

-For sure.

-Or visionary.

-Yeah.

"Visionary." That suits you.

Thanks. I invented

the duct tape wallet.

So when you're

thinking about this future of yours,

what are you excited about?

What? I guess maybe

I have, like,

mm, one thing

that I think about it, but...

Okay. Tell me.

-Well, it's kind of vague.

-Okay, tell me.

Okay. Um, um,

I think about holding hands.

Mm, platonically. No, platonically.

Like, I, I, I mean, like

holding hands with other girls.

-Uh-huh.

-Um, 'cause, you know, like,

-like, girls can do that. They can...

-Mm-hmm.

You know, be close

with each other and have fun

-and be hot and...

-Okay. So you're trying to be hot.

No, no.

-I'm messing with you.

-So what's the list?

You can, like,

you can, like, make stuff,

you can, you can sing,

you can act.

-But, but...

-You, you can dance.

-What do you think?

-I don't know,

-I don't see you doing much right now.

-Oh.

-I'm gonna finish this.

-Then finish it.

-Okay, I'll... I got you.

-Yeah. Drink up.

-Come on, lightweight. Oh, oh.

-Oh. f*ck you.

I don't know. I mean,

I, I just like the idea of,

-you know, how girls can be soft together and...

-Mm-hmm.

And, you know, kind of have fun

and, and dance around,

and, and...

-Oh, so you wanna dance.

-Huh?

You wanna dance.

-Right now?

-Yeah, let's dance.

Come on.

-What is this, a dance battle?

-I don't know.

Are you dance battling me now?

-You tell me. Oh.

-You want none of this. You want none of this.

-Can't get me.

-Oh, what?

-Okay.

-Yeah, you can put your hands there.

Yeah, that's what the girl does.

Oh, oh, okay. Copy.

Yeah. Sorry. Heard. Um...

-I... I'm, I'm new to this.

-Yeah. I'm aware.

Stuck here forever

And I don't mind

Boy, I'll leave you

right now...

Stuck here forever and...

Oh, my God, this would be so

hot if I could be into you.

Okay, but how do you know

if someone is interested?

Huh... Huh? What?

You said you wanted

to dance platonically.

How can you know

if it's not platonic?

Oh, my God.

Do you wanna kiss me?

Yes. You can.

Oh, oh, my God, I promise

I'm not into girls.

Well, that's good,

'cause I'm not a girl.

-What?

-Yeah, I, I'm a boy.

This whole, this whole trans

thing is, like, totally a joke.

Are you being serious?

Um, yeah, yeah, but nothing

bad. I promise. It was not in a bad...

I mean, Ethan just did it because

I have a huge crush on you.

-We just wanted to come hang out...

-You were making all of this up?

Well, no, not my, not my

feelings about you. I mean, I,

I'm not just some guy who's

like, "Oh, I wanna f*ck you."

Like, I, I, I think

you're really cool. I...

-Get the f*ck out of my house.

-You made a duct tape wallet.

-No, Sasha, you don't understand.

-Forest!

-They were lying. He, Ethan...

-No.

-Is lying about being trans. Oh, my God.

-That's not true. No.

-Not Ethan. It's just me.

-Get the f*ck out of my house!

-Now!

-Ethan.

What?

Did you not hear me?

Leave. Now!

-O... O... Okay.

-Ethan. Ethan.

Ethan.

What possibly made you tell her?

I didn't mean to, okay?

It just slipped out. I was,

I was trying to tell her

that you were telling the truth.

-But why?

-She said she wasn't into girls

and I wanted her

to know I was straight and I...

I just said the thing.

But I didn't mean to.

I didn't mean to. I promise,

Ethan, I promise. It was an accident.

Please go away.

No.

I'm sorry. Ethan!

f*ck.

I saw a coyote

Down in the alley

Behind

My one-bedroom apartment

Something was dangling

Between his teeth

I could tell you

-Hi, Mom.

-Ethan?

Uh...

I've had a, a really

horrible night.

So, um...

can I, can I just have

a hug maybe?

Well, I... No, I'd,

I'd like to...

I'd like to know what

I'm looking at, if that's okay.

Okay. Um...

-Mom...

-You know what?

Let's not. I don't wanna fight

about this tonight.

-It doesn't have to be a fight.

-Good night.

No.

Hungry

Ethan?

f*ck.

-Ethan.

-You should go first.

-You go first. You're scarier.

-Got you.

Well, hello there, Mr. Alex.

Jacob.

-Sup, dude?

-Guys.

What? Don't act like

I'm so scary.

-I'm not a scary guy.

-I mean, you did steal.

-Miss Beacher's cat last year.

-Hey, she had it coming, man.

Well, you shouldn't be scared

of me.

You're a legend.

We heard about what you did.

Pretending to be tr*nnies to get

into the girls lockers? Bro.

That's insane. Like,

that's actually crazy, dude.

I don't think I would have ever had

the ba*ls to do some sh*t like that.

Yeah, well, you know.

You're gonna go down in

boy history for this sh*t, dude.

Everyone is gonna remember

your name.

You might be even more memorable than

me, bro, and I'm the f*cking quarterback.

Well, I don't know

about all that.

Well, nah, I mean,

you won't, but you'll be big.

Do you know what a theater is?

Ethan.

-Oh. Uh, guys, the stuff's actually over here.

-Bro, we're not actually

getting the graduation stuff.

Are you f*cking kidding me?

Guys.

Uh, guys, I don't think

we should be in here.

Bro, come on. We're joining you.

-Uh, joining me?

-With the tr*nny thing?

We all wanna get into that

locker room. Just none of us

really thought this was possible,

but you proved us wrong.

Uh, you guys definitely

don't wanna go in there.

-Oh, we definitely do.

-Oh, bro, you gotta do this one.

-This dress says "I f*ck."

-Bro, shut the f*ck up!

Let me pick my own sh*t!

f*ck.

f*ck. Oh, Jesus. f*ck!

-Davis! Oh! Oh, God.

-What the f*ck do you want?

-Okay, listen...

-Do not come near me.

-I heard what you did.

-You did the same thing.

I didn't, and I told you

that I didn't, okay?

-Like, what is wrong with you?

-Okay, whatever.

Listen, Jacob

and the other boys,

they're getting in dresses, and

they're going in the girls' locker room.

Oh, I wonder where they got

that bright idea.

Okay, well, it's a lot scarier

when they do it.

Oh, my God,

can you straight guys just,

-like, harass women as men, or...

-That's not...

That's not

what I was tr...

I was just trying to get

everybody understand

that me and Ethan

are not g*y. Okay?

No offense, but it turns out

that she's actually a girl.

-What?

-Ethan.

She's, she's trans.

-Like, dead a*s.

-Oh, sh*t.

Yeah, she told me the other

night before everything got f*cked,

and now I've been looking for

her and I can't find her anywhere,

and I wanna go

to her house, but...

Oh, can you help me?

-Why would I help you?

-Because, I don't know,

-like, q*eer solidarity?

-Not for you.

I'm not g*y. Ethan is.

I know that you're not.

You say it all the time, Alex.

Oh... Please!

For Ethan.

Okay. How can I help you?

I need d*ck Gobbler.

-Are you picking a song?

-Yes, I'm picking a song.

They didn't wait

to throw the first brick

at Stonewall until they got

the jukebox right.

You cannot talk about Stonewall,

'cause what the f*ck

do you know about Stonewall?

-Well, I know that we need to pick up the pace.

-Shh!

--Okay, see?

-See, the vibes are right.

-Uh. Mm. Mm. Mm. Let's go!

-Push me up the wall give it to me heavy

I'm a sl*t, I love to f*ck

If I want a d*ck

Then I'ma suck

I'm a sl*t, I love to f*ck

If I like a d*ck

I'll f*ck it up

f*ck it up

I'm a sl*t

-I love to f*ck

-f*ck it up

I'm a sl*t

I love to f*ck

-Oh, my God.

-Bro, are you f*cking

kidding me?

-That's a hate crime.

-Actually, this is a hate crime.

Well, saying this is

a hate crime is actually

-even more of a hate crime.

-Bro,

-so deep.

-Yeah. Yeah, I know.

Just get out.

I don't think so.

You know, I think we should all

take off our clothes.

I mean, that's what

the locker room is for, right?

-Right there, right there, right there.

-Okay, all right.

You knew you were taking me

to racism LA.

She's not r*cist. I'm

Italian, and I'm here all the time.

Okay.

Come on!

-Excu... Are you out of your f*cking mind?

-Come on!

I know the kids are telling you

that you're g*y, and maybe,

maybe they're saying

that you need to be a girl,

but I think

they're putting that on you.

And now you're doing this

because you're trying

-to explain why you're different.

-That's not it,

-Mom.

-You are beautiful, you're a handsome boy,

and I, I don't understand why

you wanna throw that all away

-to be an ugly girl.

-Mom!

I'm, I'm not being mean.

I am just telling you the truth,

because you won't be pretty

and that makes life hard.

-You don't understand.

-I don't want your life!

-I don't wanna be like this.

-Oh, oh, oh, sorry! Sorry!

So you don't want this?

You think I'm,

I'm trying to have this life,

I'm trying to get us

out of here, and I need you

to help me do that because

I don't have options, Ethan,

and you don't either.

And if you do this,

if you just change everything,

if you, if you throw it away,

you're throwing away your future

and you're throwing away

mine too and I don't understand

-how you can be so selfish.

-This isn't about me being selfish.

It's not selfish for me

to want to be happy, Mom!

Happy? What,

you think you're gonna be happy?

Have you ever met

a happy transgender?

Ethan!

-What?

-Don't get mad at Ethan about the dress

because it was my idea.

Because I'm actually g*y.

This is my lover, Davis.

What? Oh, um...

Yep. Very,

very much in love.

Okay? So Ethan doesn't deserve

any of your h*m*.

I do,

because I'm a real-life g*y guy.

Alex, shut the f*ck up!

-Guys, I know stage combat.

-Is that, like, real combat?

Yeah. Except no one gets hurt.

Not sure it's gonna be useful in this situation.

Mom.

I, I wish I could be happy

in the body that you gave me.

I wish, I f*cking wish that

I could do all of the things

that you think

I can do as a boy,

but I, I, I, I can't.

Every part of my body,

my, my brain, my, my lungs,

my, my f*cking soul, every,

every part of me wants

to be understood

and, and thought of and seen

and held as a girl.

I want people

to see me that way.

I need it to live, Mom.

And I'm terrified.

I'm so scared.

I'm, I'm scared about how hard

it's going to be, but...

the not doing it...

it's so much harder, Mom.

It's so hard that it might

k*ll me.

I don't know if... if you want

that kind of kid.

I wanna be your child.

I just can't be your son.

Sorry, I, I know

this isn't a good time,

but Jacob and all the boys

are trying to force their way

into the girls' locker room

in, in dresses.

-What?

-Yeah. So we k... kind of need to go if we're gonna stop them.

Um...

Okay. Okay.

Okay, I

have a plan. Grab the Damn Yankees stuff.

-It's in the back.

-I think you need to stop making plans.

-Okay, well, this one's better, b*tch.

-Oh, thank God,

'cause I don't know

if you could mess stuff up more.

-At least I'm doing something!

-Okay. I'm just gonna go

-get the stuff.

-Hey, you know I actually really care about you, right? Hey.

-What? What do you want?

-Why are you still mad at me?

-Why do you think?

-I think you need to calm down

because I will fix

all this in a... f*ck...

-Like, so soon!

-You didn't fix anything, Alex.

You, you only started

more problems.

Okay, well, what I started was

your agenda, which I actually think is

-a pretty two thumbs-up thing to have done.

-You know my mom

won't talk to me anymore

because of you?

Who cares? We're going

to college.

-It doesn't matter.

-I care.

That's my mom.

She... If I don't have her,

then I don't have anyone, Alex,

I don't have a family.

-That's not true. I'm your family.

-No you're not.

You don't do the right thing,

Alex.

I know that you think

you're my friend, but...

the only person

that you think about is you,

and I don't want people

in my life that are like that.

Well, what about next year?

I don't wanna live with you

next year.

I don't wanna be friends

with you anymore.

I think you were right, and

I think we should be apart...

for both of us.

I'm gonna go help Davis.

There's ba*ls in here, bro.

Jacob, your biceps

are looking huge, man.

Thanks, bro.

I got this on my own.

You're looking absolutely cut.

The diet is for sure working.

You, you don't think I need to work on my legs?

I feel like, I feel like

my legs are kind of mid.

No, man,

they look great.

Like the definition here looks

insane. -Shut up.

--

-You sound like you're f*cking.

-We are not f*cking!

-You do sound like

-you're having sex out there.

-Someone find a crowbar or something!

-f*ck off.

-It's Ethan.

-How is that different?

-Oh, my God.

She really is trans.

Stop being f*cking assholes.

-Why would we trust you, Davis?

-Because Jude is a trans guy.

I'm still g*y.

-Really?

-Yes!

You all need to get a lot better

about q*eer identity.

Now, please, let us the f*ck in.

-Name yourself.

-Oh, yo. It's Alex.

Sorry I ran, saw some hotties.

You know how it is.

Uh, I, I brought a crowbar.

It's locked.

I'm sorry.

You have nothing

to be sorry for. I...

I think I'm the one

that f*cked up here.

Mm, I mean, I, I guess

straight culture is probably

the real problem, but...

I think Alex is

the real problem.

I think you're right.

Do you hate me?

No, I, I actua...

I actually really like you.

-Okay, so what are we gonna do?

-So Alex actually has a plan.

We have stuff here for you guys

to fight your way out,

and he's gonna give us a signal

when it's time to go.

-Okay. What's the signal?

-Sup?

It's astounding

-Signal!

-Time is fleeting...

I guess that's it.

Get her!

But listen closely

Not for very much longer

-Are those from the play?

-Are those from the play?

I, I don't know.

Um, e... everybody, grab some.

I remember

Doing the Time Warp

-What are you saying?

-Bring the g*n!

Okay, okay!

The blackness would hit me

And the void Would be calling

-Yeah, m*therf*ckers!

Let's do The Time Warp

again -Oh. Wow. Um...

Let's do

The Time Warp again

Ow. Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow.

Ow. Stage combat, b*tch.

It's just a jump To

the left... -

-Damn, you're gorgeous. What up?

-Hello. Can I help you with something?

No, what are you doing later? Come on.

Yeah. You know, I'm not really

involved in this at all.

And I just will say,

also, loving the dresses.

You guys should try it out

more often.

You could have been

one of us, Alex!

I'll see t*tties somewhere else!

Let's do The Time

Warp again -

I'm sorry about everything

I said at the party.

It's, it's fine.

I mean, I mean, it's not fine.

It's, it's, it hurt like a b*tch

when you said that, but...

it'll be okay.

It was really all

Alex's fault anyway, so...

-How are you okay with him?

-Girl, I'm not.

- Bu... -

-Would you, like, get off of me?

This is where

I say something cool.

Okay, then say it.

Let's do...

-Um, thank you.

-Let's do The Time Warp again

You know, I don't

believe in labels, but, you know,

we could see where things go. I'm just saying, you know.

Just a jump to the left

And then a step To

the right -

Put your hands on your hips

You bring

Your knees in tight

But it's The pelvic

thrust... -

Boys rule. Girls drool.

Let's do the Time Warp again

Let's do The Time

Warp again -

Tampons!

f*ck!

All the broken hearts In

the world still beat -

Let's not make it harder

Than it has to be

Ooh, it's all the same thing

Girls chase boys Chase girls

All the broken hearts

In the world still beat

Let's not make it harder

Than it has to be, ooh...

In light of recent events...

we feel it is best to get

rid of gendered bathrooms.

I'm a little let down

But I'm not dead

There's a little bit more That

has to be said -

You

play me Now I play you too

Let's just call it over

All the broken hearts

In the world still beat

Let's not make it harder

Than it has to be

Ooh, it's all the same thing

Girls chase boys Chase girls

All the broken hearts

In the world still beat

Let's not make it harder

Than it has to be -

Ooh, it's all The

same thing -

Girls chase boys Chase girls

Chase girls chase boys...

Apparently, we can't

trust any of you with anything.

So, f*ck it. Use whatever

bathroom you like. Who cares?

Don't call me

I won't call you too

Let's just call it over

All the broken hearts

In the world still beat

Let's not make it harder

Than it has to be, ooh...

Mm, can you help me

with my makeup when you're done?

-No, I have to do my own.

-I know, b*tch, that's why I said when you're done.

Oh, my God,

why are you cursing at me?

This might not be,

like, a super good gender thing,

but do you know

how to tie a tie?

Yeah. Come here.

Are you and Alex still not good?

Um...

I haven't seen him since,

you know, the,

the big fight, so...

I'm sure he's just in the

other bathroom getting ready.

-Yeah.

-Are you gonna leave my collar up?

No. Sorry, sorry.

Hey.

Ethan?

-Um, no, it's, it's Alex.

-Oh, Jesus.

I know you, like...

don't think that there's any men

in your life now that Ethan's, like,

a girl or whatever, um,

and I know you're probably like,

"Oh, I lost all the other men in my life",

-"-even though I know how to suck d*ck," but...

-Jesus!

-I'm so... I'm sorry.

-Alex.

But...

I'm a man.

And I can step up, Mary.

I, I know I, like...

...have to go to

college and everything,

but I can, I can fix things

and I can take the trash out.

Whatever you need, okay?

So, don't...

worry about Ethan,

'cause...

-You got me, baby.

-Okay. Oh, Jesus.

Hon...

Alex, babe, look, I know,

I know we have our,

like, fun banter,

-but you are 30 years younger than me.

-Oh, my God.

Mary, not like that. I'm being a gentleman.

Okay, I guess what I came

to say is just like,

don't be mad at Ethan

for something she can't control.

I am not mad at her.

I'm...

I'm just...

I'm so scared, I don't...

Nobody wants to see

their kid get hurt, and I...

I know how,

how hard and painful this is

gonna be for her, and I just...

I don't even,

I don't even know if I have

the strength to watch her

go through life with this...

...this burden on her.

Well, for what it's worth...

I've known Ethan almost as long as you have.

And the last couple hours

since I suggested

that we do this,

she's been

as happy as I've ever seen her.

Maybe happier. And I've seen

her pretty happy. I'm... pretty funny.

I make her laugh a lot.

But... I don't know,

something's just...

good for her right now, you

know? And it's just cool to see...

somebody you love

so happy and free.

I don't...

I don't even think

she wants to see me.

-No, bro, she definitely wants to see you.

-Oh.

I'm sorry.

Ma'am.

I think it just...

I think it would mean a lot if you

just came and saw her graduate.

But I, I don't... I don't...

I don't even have

anything to wear. I didn't...

All my dresses are

just sh*t from high school.

Yeah, but I'm, I'm sure

you still fit in all those.

Yes, of course I fit into them.

I just...

They're, I mean...

I think they're

a little bit young for me now.

Respectfully...

if your daughter's gonna wear

whatever dress she f*cking wants,

I think you should, too.

Okay? So find the hottest thing

in there,

put your makeup on,

put a smile on your face.

We only graduate

once. Let's f*cking do this, okay?

Okay. Go away. I'm not gonna

let you watch me change.

Okay. Gentleman, out.

Yeah.

Get in there and...

Um...

-Yeah.

-Sasha, let's go this way. Yeah.

Mom, you look really hot.

So do you.

I brought her.

I hope that's okay.

He offered to step

in and be man of the house.

No, actually, what he said

was, uh, "You got me, baby."

But not in a sexual way.

I'm a gentleman now.

Ahh... I don't wanna f*ck up

your makeup. Right?

So, um, I,

I should get a seat.

Um... Hey.

Hi.

I'm sorry...

for everything.

And I, I, I do wanna fix things

and not be so selfish.

And... I'm really sorry that...

this all had to happen

this way, but...

I'm really happy for you.

-Thank you.

-Of course.

You know, p*ssy makes

a guy crazy.

-Oh, my God.

-What can you do?

But, um...

you'll always be my girl.

-And a sexy one at that!

-Oh, God.

Fellows! Ladies.

-Non-binaries?

-Oh my God.

-Everybody! Sexy girl!

-Shut up.

I'm sorry, guys. I, I'm sure

it's too little, too late, but I just...

I'm sorry for everything,

and Sasha especially,

I'm sorry, but,

um, I'm an ally now.

-Nice to see you as a boy.

-Really?

-Not like that.

-Right.

Wow. Moist.

-Are you sure we're okay with him?

-He's trying,

and I think that's the best

we can ask right now.

-Hey, bro, do you wanna help me fix this thing up?

-Yeah, totally. Yeah.

-You're literally drooling.

--No. I'm not.

If you and Forest

are gonna do long distance,

-you better not hurt them.

-But we're... we're literally lesbians.

-Long distance is different for us.

-So just because you're a girl

doesn't mean I'm above anything.

How are you gonna be a b*tch to

me when I'm, like, 3000 miles away?

-I'm creative.

-Hmm.

Crescent wrench.

Bro, I know sh*t now. -

Are you f*cking kidding me?

Roll up

To the basement party

Drinking

All your dad's Bacardi...

You know, no h*m*,

but I'm really gonna miss you.

It's been an honor to stand beside

you these last 18 years, and...

we've grown so much, but...

I don't know how

I'm gonna do this without you.

Just cause you're not in the urinal next to

me does not mean you're not in my heart.

-Okay?

-Oh, my God.

-I love you.

-I love you too.

See you on the other side.

Okay.

...BFF You're my BFF

You're my BFF

You're my BFF, yeah

Yo, there's,

there's no soap in mine.

We've been smoking all day

We walked around the city

And I think

We ran into your ex...

Davis f*cked

that for all of us.

What do you mean?

Are you okay?

Oh, f*ck!

Sorry.

I looked right at the lens again.

Hold on, hold on.

-Mm.

-I would help you,

but I only know

how to take them off.

Sorry.

Uh, yeah. Real

women don't need shots.

Oh... Rah... Meow.

Okay, wait.

Every time I'd try to

sh**t, it would go...

And...

Good f*cking save, Jacob.

It's... Well, there's, there's

blood on the dress, though.

-What are your pronouns?

-Well, we can just

-borrow one of yours.

-Oh, yeah.

I, I need these.

Every time we

would sh**t, it would go...

But, Mama...

I got this, I got this.

It's kind of floppy.

-Like flaccid.

-We're gonna need a Viagra

on aisle two for this horn.

And then every time

I shot it, it would go...

So I thought it was

always... Blah.

Is that, like, real combat?

Yeah. But no one gets hurt.

Not seeing how that'll

be useful in this situation.

Not seeing how

that'll be useful in this situation.

Not seeing

how that'll be helpful.

I'm so sorry.

f*ck.

Oh, my God!

It's pretty good.

-It's a stick figure with t*ts.

-It's abstract.

I totally nailed her eyes.

Do you wanna know

the truth about this, First Lady?

My husband would have paid

for her ab*rtion, but she prefers it

-down the throat.

-What was that?

I'm so sorry.

What in the actual f*ck?

...f*cked Jude Lee.

That's why they hate him.

-If you're LGBT...

-Do you, do you wanna start over?

I really liked

that level of chaos.

I'm not gonna lie.