02x04 - The Egg and Us

[bunniefuu]

[♪♪]

♪ The new boy
in the neighborhood ♪

♪ Lives downstairs
and it's understood ♪

♪ He's there just
to take good care of me ♪

♪ Like he's one
of the family ♪

♪ Charles in charge
of our days
and our nights ♪

♪ Charles in charge
of our wrongs
and our rights ♪

♪ And I sing, I want
Charles in charge of me ♪

♪ Charles in charge
of our days
and our nights ♪

♪ Charles in charge
of our wrongs
and our rights ♪

♪ And I sing, I want ♪

♪ I want Charles in charge ♪

♪ of me ♪♪

[♪♪]

I can't believe it.

You got Marianne Murdoch
to come to my birthday party.

What a great gift!

Yeah, first I thought
about buying you a wristwatch.

Then, I figured I'd get you
something you can use.

Charles, you are not
gonna believe it--

Oh, hello, Lembeck.

Hello, Mr. Powell.

Why don't you tell me?
I'll believe anything.

Well, okay.
But this is strictly
between us, men.

What if I told you

I just ran into a woman
I knew intimately,

over 40 years ago,

and she said
I hadn't changed a bit.

I'd say you were
in great shape today,

or you were in lousy shape

You say
you knew this woman intimately?

How intimately?

Extremely.

What a night we spent together.

Whoa.

You spent the night with her?

Probably in the line of duty,
right, sir?

Oh, wrong, Mr. Naive.

You mean
you spent the night with a woman
in a non-military manner?

Strictly off-duty.

Hello, Adam and I were gonna
finish our scrabble game.

Are we interrupting anything?

No, no.
We were just having
a little small talk.

[laughing]

Are you sure?
- Oh, of course.

Uh, talk to you later, boys.

Oh, Charles.
What's in the box?

Uh, it's Buddy's birthday cake
for his party tomorrow night.

Buddy, I thought your birthday
was next Sunday.

Oh, it is, but I have relatives
coming in from outta town.

So Charles is giving me
a pre-party party.

Oh, Charles,
that's very nice of you.

Thank you.

Adam.

Q-U-T-E?

I'm not familiar with that word.

What is Q-U-T-E?

Cute!
Y'know, like me.

Is that what you call
creative spelling?

Okay,
give me a second.

Adam, I'm quite...

...sure you'll come up
with a word.

Oh yeah, Adam.
Quite... sure.

Buddy, Charles, be quiet.

Quiet!

That's it!
Q-U-I-E-T.

Thanks, Mom.

The pleasure's all yours.

Can you imagine
having a baby at 14?

I am not ready
for this kind of responsibility.

Jamie, if this is a joke,
I'll k*ll you,

and if it's not a joke,

I'll k*ll you.

How can I win?

Talk fast.
Who's having a baby?
- We both are.

Don't get excited, Mom.
It's just a school project.

Things sure have changed
since I was in junior high.

All health classes
are doing it.

We're supposed
to take an ordinary egg
and pretend it's a baby.

It's to teach us
the responsibility
of parenthood.

[Charles] Oh!
- I love babies.

I even like health class.

But, how could you think
of an egg as your child?

Hens do it all the time.

Yeah, but they've had
a lot of practice.

Well, let's do it.
I have to help Jennifer Burnett
with something important.

This is important, Jamie.

Charles, will you help us
with our eggs?

Yeah, sure.
What do you want me to do?

Burp them, diaper them,

scramble their little bottoms?

No, just put these stickers
on their little bottoms.
- Oh.

Pink is for girls
and blue is for boys.
- Okeydokey.

- After you put the stickers on,

we'll close our eyes
and pick one.

And that's how
we get our babies.

Not according to Kevin Holloway.

Well, I'm glad
that you're both doing this.

It will teach you how to nurture
your children

and to appreciate your mother...
or else, huh?

Okay, genders in place.
Close your eyes.

Shouldn't I be boiling water
or something?

Well, not unless you wanna poach
their children.

Go ahead.
You got it.
Go.

It's a girl!

I've always wanted a girl.

I'm gonna call her... Amanda.

Oh, that's sweet.
Okay, Jamie, close your eyes.
- Okay.

You got it.
Go.

It's a boy.

It's an egg.

Think I'll name him...

...Egg.

Okay, I'm off to Jennifer's.
See you later.

Wait, wait!
What about your baby?

Charles, it is an egg.

Ellen, any chance
I can get a button sewn on?

Sure, Dad.

Isn't she beautiful?

Yeah, she's got
her mother's eyes.

And her father's yolk.

I wish my deliveries
had been this easy.

Well, it looks like
an egg to me.

Can anyone
take this project seriously?

[Charles]
Wait, we're just kidding, Sarah.

Why, she's so sensitive.

From now on,
we'd better walk on eggs.

I'm telling Sarah.

Don't do that.
- Oh, she'll be fine.

I'll take care
of your shirt, Dad.

Oh, thank you.

Okay, Mr. Powell.
What happened?

I don't know,
the button just fell off.

No, no, with the woman.

You said you spent
the night with her.

Oh, that!

[clears throat]

It was in San Diego,
August of 1944.

I was at the USO,

and this gorgeous girl
walks up to me and says,

"Hi, Sailor.
Would you care for a dance?"

Well, I grabbed her.
I put her on my knee.

I rolled her over my back.
I threw her through my legs.

I twisted her about,
and I let her go!

If you didn't wanna dance,

why didn't you just say,
"No thanks?"

That's jitterbugging, Lembeck!
A real dance.

Not that pathetic percolating
you kids do today.

You didn't spend
the whole night jitterbugging,
did you?

Are you kidding?

This girl was hot to trot.

After the dance,
we took a walk on the beach

and she suggested
we go for a midnight swim...

...in the buff.

You went swimming in the buff?

Is that like swimming
in the ocean?

I think so, but probably colder.

[Mr. Powell]
Okay!

You clowns can laugh
if you want to.

Uh, I'm sorry, sir.
I'm just laughing at Buddy.

Well, knock it off, Mr. Naive.
- Oh, okay.

Okay, Mr. Powell..

You went swimming in the buff
and then what happened?

I'm not one to kiss and tell.

After we came out of the water,

I took one look at her.

We hit the sand
like two wet seals.

I'm telling you, boys,
this girl was very patriotic,
if you get my drift.

Well, how could we miss it?
- Yeah, well here's the capper.

She's coming over
to the house tomorrow.

I'm thinking about another walk
on the beach.

[snickers]

Way to go, Mr. Powell.

Yeah, way to go, Mr. Powell.

Lembeck, don't ever touch me.

Unbelievable.

Can you picture
those two making love
on the beach,

like two wet seals?

That was then.

Tomorrow, it'll be more like
two beached whales.

Who's this?
- That's Sarah.

That's me?

I look like
Rodney Dangerfield.

Awww.
- Look at me.
I was darling.

That's Adam.

You know, I think you guys
were all pretty cute.

We're supposed to be keeping
a child raising journal.

I got up three times
last night with Amanda,
just like I was supposed to.

and I've been
carrying her around
in this snuggly all day.

How about you, Jamie?
Where's your journal?

In my head.

You know,
I can remember everything
an egg does

without writing it down.

I'm sorry.
I just can't get
into this project.

I don't know how you did it,
Mrs. Powell,
raising three little kids.

Well, the first five years
were the hardest.

Uh, raising babies
is not a picnic.

Hey, Jamie.

Look what
the Easter Bunny brought.

Adam, give me my egg.

Jamie, gimme back my journal!

Okay, freeze!

Of course,
now that they're older,
things are a lot easier.

[♪ ♪]

Pickaxe.
P-I-C-K-A-X-E.

I smell victory.

No,
that's Mr. Powell's after shave.

Oh!

He's been getting ready
for his date since noon.

I'm sorry, Amanda.

Look at this.
I'm talking to an egg.

This is really nice of you
to help Sarah with her project.

Maybe you should
put Amanda here in the snuggly.

She'll be a lot safer.

I feel like an idiot.

Mom, listen to what Adam did.

"If you ever want
to see your egg again,

bring three packs of bubble gum

and two dollars in small,
unmarked bills to my room."

That is so dumb.

Well, it worked on Sarah.

I got 75 cents
and a candy bar for Amanda.

Adam, give your sister her egg!

It's getting tough for a guy
to earn a buck around here.

I've got to go call Jennifer.

Sit.

Charles, you look absolutely...

...maternal.

Mom, I'm going to the bathroom.
So don't look at my letters.

Hey c'mon, you party animal.

There are women out there
waiting for us.

Look, your backpack crawled
around to your front.

You goin' to get the speakers?
- Yeah, I put them
right there for you.

Thanks, Buddy.
I'll be out in a bit.

Ellen?

Say hello to Gloria.

[Ellen]
Hello, Gloria.
It is so nice to meet you.

Thank you.
- Oh, Gloria, this is Charles.

Charles, this is
the lovely young lady
I was telling you about.

Hi, so you are Gloria.

I've heard so many...

...nice things about you.

Hello, Charles.

[Buddy] Charles!
What's taking you so long?

All right.
I'm on my way.

Oh, what about Amanda?

No problem.
I'll put her to bed.
- Oh, thanks.

You guys have a good time.

Thanks, Mrs. Powell.
It was very nice meeting you.

[Gloria] Yes.
- Almost-almost forgot
the cake.

And I'm holding this egg still.

Charles, I forgot to tell you.

Charles, come on.

Oh, Buddy!
Say hello to Gloria,

the woman I was telling you
about last night.

Hi, Glo--

Grandma?

Grandma?

Grandma?

[♪ ♪]

Would you cheer up?

It's just one of those
amazing little twists of fate.

Your grandmother and Mr. Powell
are old friends.

I think it's great.
- Oh, sure.
Old friends.

They're probably talking,
reminiscing...

...looking for a buff
to swim in the--

Will you stop?

All they're doing
is having dinner
at the Vet's Club.

Charles, it's not what
my Grandma's doing tonight
that bothers me.

It's what she did in 1944.

That was a long time ago.

They were just young,
carefree kids,
frolicking on the beach.

You're picturing
Frankie and Annette.

I'm looking at two wet seals.

Okay, so what?

So, she's my grandmother.

And grandmothers
don't do things like that!

She's a human being.

She's got the same feelings
and desires that we all have.

Uh-huh and what if
it was your grandmother
on the beach?

No, my grandmother
would never do that.

You see what I mean?
Mine did.

But, Buddy.
Come on now.
That was 1944.

She wasn't
your grandmother then.

She wasn't even married then.

Charles, you know I--
I guess you're right.

Let me see,
my mother was born in...

Charles, Mr. Powell
said that they frolicked
in August of 1944!

[Charles] Yeah?
- Well, my mother was born
in May of 1945.

Now, I may be crazy
but I can still count to nine!

Do you realize
that this makes Walter Powell
my real grandfather?

Count again!
Maybe your fingers
are defective or something.

Hello, men.

Actually, uh, beat me home, huh?

Mr. Powell, how'd your date go?

Did you have
a lot of good, clean fun?

I certainly did.

Let me tell you, Charles.
Lembeck's grandmother
is a fine woman.

Someone he can really
be proud of.

Lembeck, why are you
staring at me?

Oh, was I staring?

I thought
I was looking in a mirror.

Has he been drinking?
- No, sir.

[Mrs. Powell] Hello.
[Charles] Hi.

I thought I heard voices.

So, did you
all have a nice evening?

Fabulous.
How's everything
on the home front?

Fine, except for Jamie.

After Charles dropped her egg,

she went to her room
and wouldn't come out.

I-I didn't realize she cared
that much about her egg.

She's a female.

I guess we all
have maternal instincts,

whether we know it or not.

Oh, I think that's where
a lot of men are different.

They can have children and...

grandchildren,

never even know they exist.
- Oh, not me.

I love my children
and my grandchildren.
Always have.

Well, I'm a little pooped.

Good night, Dad.
- Bye, Mr. Powell.

Good night, Grandpa.

[knocking]
[Charles] Jamie?

Come in.

Don't feel much like talking.

[sighs]
I'm really sorry
I dropped your egg.

Wasn't your fault.

I should've been
more careful with it.

I didn't think
you cared about Egg.

That's why I feel so badly.

I didn't care!

To me, it was just an egg.

I was supposed to care.

Some mother I turned out to be.

Let's face it.
I'm a cold, heartless person.

Well, it seemed to me like
all you cared about

was going over
to Jennifer Burnett's house.

What was the deal?

Jennifer's folks
are moving to Wisconsin.
- Yeah?

She's lived in that house
her whole life.

She was upset
and I was trying to help.

I know what it's like
to move to new places.

So, you put your friend
ahead of your school project?

Oh, I had to.
I think my friend comes first.

Yeah, so do I.
- I don't care.
I--

You do?

Yeah, Jennifer's
a real live human being.

And when she needed you,
you were there.

That's what a good friend does.

That's what a good mother does.

That's not what a cold,
heartless person does.

Yeah, I guess you're right.

Thanks, Charles.
I feel a lot better.

Oh, I don't know what to do
about this egg project, though.

I'll get an "F" for sure.

Well, why don't you try talking
to your teacher

and just tell her
what's going on
between you and Jennifer.

Maybe she'll
give you another chance.

Okay, I'll give it a try.
Thanks for the help, Charles.

Oh, thank you.

I was beginning to feel
a little guilty about Egg.

Don't worry about it.
I'll tell my teacher
the truth.

My babysitter
was a hopeless klutz.

You are driving me nuts!

Now,
suppose you do trace your roots
back to "Kunta Powell," huh?

What then?

Then, I'll know.

If-if you really wanna know,
stop playing this guessing game
and ask your grandmother.

Charles, I don't know
if I can do that.

Oh, Lembeck.
You are here.

Hi.
- You kiss me again,
I swear I'll deck ya.

Buddy, oh, I was hoping
you were here.

You were supposed
to call this morning

I-I know.

Uh-uh, Mr. Powell, why won't
we go in the other room
and let them, uh...

Oh, right,
right, right.

Buddy?

Why didn't you call?

Oh, I figured you'd be busy...

...with him.

Walter?
Oh, no, no.

I came to town to see you.
Walter is...

Well, he's just a man
that I knew a long time ago.

I-I hardly know him.

Well, it looks to me like
you know him pretty well.

Honey, we just
had dinner together.

It was no big deal.

Grandma, I'm not
a child anymore.

I know all about
the birds and the beach.

The beach?

The beach, Grandma.

San Diego, 1944.

Oh, for heaven's sake!

He told you about that?

I'm surprised he'd admit it.

Then, it's true?
Grandma, how could you?

Well, I couldn't today...

I was in much better condition
back then.

This is like a weird dream.
Why didn't you tell me?

Well, honey,
I don't like to brag.

It was really nothing.

Well, maybe
it was nothing to you,

but I think
I have a right to know that...

Walter Powell
is my real grandfather.

Walter Powell is your what?

Grandfather?

How could I be his grandfather?
I mean look at me, Charles,
and then look at him.

Talk to me, Charles,
and then talk to him.

Evolution doesn't go backwards.

Walter, dear Walter.

I understand that
you've been the boys
about our first meeting.

Yeah, it was a long time ago,
August of 1944.

Wrong,
April of 1944.

In August of 1944,
I met; I fell in love with;

and I married
Buddy's late grandfather.

You married my late grandfather
in August of '44?
- Yeah?

Then he wasn't late at all.
He was right on time.

That clears everything up then.

Ah, not quite.

Did Walter tell you exactly
what we did the night I met him?

Uh, yeah.

Well, in-in a way.

Well, tighten up
your high-tops, kids.

We're about
to jog down memory lane.

It was the night
before you shipped out,
right, Walter?

Right.

Honest, Grandma.
He already told us--

No, no.
This will only take a minute.

Only one thing happened
that night,

and it wasn't romantic.

Oh, no.
It was pure sex?

No, Buddy!
All we did was go
for a very short ride...

...in a motor boat.

Walter, do you remember
that little motorboat
you rented?

Oh, I-I forgot about that.

Uh, huh, yeah.
Well, it capsized

and we almost drowned,
didn't we?

Oh, that I remember.
The boat capsized.

Mr. Powell,
you saved my grandma's life?

Well,
I didn't exactly save her life.

No, he certainly did not.

When we hit the water,
I swam to shore for help,

while he slithered out
of his trousers,

tied knots in the bottom
of the legs,
swung them over his head,

and floated on his pants.

Well, that's
Navy Water Survival.

I floated on my pants
'til the Coast Guard
picked us up.

Right and that is the only thing
that happened that night.

And that is the last time
I saw you until yesterday.

And today is the last time
that I'm going to see you...
ever!

Grandma, I swear
he never mentioned floating
on his pants.

Call me.

Mr. Powell,
I'd like to ask you something.

Yeah, well, I've gotta
tell you something first.
Both of you.

This isn't gonna be easy but...

Well, I've got to set
the record straight
about Gloria.

Yes, sir.
You certainly do.
- Lembeck...

Your grandmother
was a lady then,

and she is a lady now.

When-when you think about
something for so many years,

when you picture it
the way you wish it'd been.

What I'm trying to say is
I'm sorry.

Now, what is it
you want to ask me?

Well, I was gonna ask you
to apologize.

Not a chance.

Well, I think
you should apologize
to my grandmother.

Oh, I'll apologize to her,
all right.

I mean she's a fine woman.
I...

I just hope she'll forgive me.

Well, we certainly
have learned a lesson
out of this, huh, Charles?

Yes, sir.
Honesty is the best policy.

No, no.
Never date a woman

'til you've checked out
her grandchildren.

[door opens]

Charles, it worked!
I've got a second chance.
- Oh.

But this time,
Mrs. Hackett gave me my egg.

But she boiled it first.

Yeah, it's another boy.

Think I'll name him... Charles.

This time I'm gonna be
a good mother.

Assoon as I get back
from Jennifer's.

So, Charles, would you?

Uh.

Well, if you want
a hopeless klutz
as an egg-sitter,

you got it.

Thanks, Charles.
I knew I could count on you.
Excuse me.

I got an "A" plus
on my egg project.

So, I get to take care
of the class pet
for a whole week.

Why do I get the feeling
that the next words
I'm going to hear are..

[both]
Charles, would you take care
of it for me?

Sure.

I'll only be gone
a couple of hours.

All right.
Have fun.

Thanks!
I'll get my jacket.

Knock yourself out.

Hey, Charles.
Drop everything.

Marianne Murdoch
and Janice Brown
are at the student union,

and they're alone.
- But not for long.

I just hope
they like children and animals.

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

You're gonna take an egg
and a rat on a date?

It's not a rat.
It's a hamster.

Okay.
An egg and a hamster.

How are we gonna explain this
to Marianne and Janice?

Well, if they ask,
we'll just tell them that, uh,

that we bought our own lunch.

Mom!

[♪♪]

So-so, the first woman says,

"How do you get your husband
to sing that high?"
- Uh-huh?

So, the second woman says,
"I'd show you,
but it makes his eyes water!"

It's funny.
I heard it from--

Hey, Mr. Powell--
- Good news, men.
Good news, men.

Hi, Mr. Powell.
My grandmother said
that you called her.

Oh, that's part
of the good news.

I spoke to Gloria,
and all is forgiven.

I'm glad to hear it.
What's rest
of the good news?

I met a fascinating woman
at the Fotomat.
- Well, yeah?

We exchanged
telephone numbers and snapsnots.
Here.

Look at that.

Oh, not bad, Mr. Powell.
Not bad at all.

Charles, you're a connoisseur
of fine women.

Take one look at this picture
and tell me if you've ever
seen anyone like her.

Aunt Alice!

Gotcha!

[♪♪]

[♪♪]

♪ Charles in charge
of our days
and our nights ♪

♪ Charles in charge
of our wrongs
and our rights ♪

♪ And I sing,
I want ♪

♪ I want
Charles in charge of me ♪

♪ Charles in charge ♪♪

[fanfare]