02x03 - Felony Boys

[bunniefuu]

[Chadwater] A dangerous criminal.

A deadly m*rder*r.

A violent perpetrator of violence.

Raj Dar has walked among us
on the streets of Philadelphia.

But not anymore.

When justice comes for Raj Dar,

and it will,

this will truly be the City
of Brotherly Love.

♪ Took a midnight swim in my jeweler ♪

[ding]

[♪ funky upbeat music playing]

[g*nshots]

[b*llet shells clinking]

[wet wiping]

[Mir] [whispering] Did you do it?

Did I do it?

[whispering] Because I told you to do it.

And you said you really wanted to do it,

and all you ever talked about
was doing it.

I didn't have to do it.

'Cause I did it with my third eye.

-He didn't do it.
-[Raj mimics g*nsh*t]

Shut up!
In Raj speak, "do it with my third eye"

means he did it.

Did I?

[♪ suspenseful music playing]

-I didn't do it.
-My God.

But somebody did k*ll Ahmad.

So... win-win.

[Mir] How is that a f*cking win-win

when the guy who k*lled him is out
and you're in jail?

I don't think you guys realize how bad
this is for our business, okay?

We are losing dealers left and right.

And you can't exactly buy a golf course

if the first thing that happens
when you google our name

is a video of a f*cking
car b*mb expl*si*n!

Mir, calm the f*ck down.
And shut the f*ck up!

Relax. Percy Whitehall is still in.

[Lucky] Arraignment is tomorrow.

We'll post bail. Raj will come home.

We'll just figure out the trial
from there, okay?

-Yeah.
-Listen to me.

You're my little...
[in Urdu] gajar ka halwa.

Oh, my God.

[crying] Lucky Auntie will get you
out of here in no time at all, okay?

-Okay.
-My baby can't survive

in prison for too long.

-I'm scared.
-Okay, if you need to, remember,

you can always turn a toothbrush
into a shank.

All you need is a razor, lighter,

tweezer, toenail clipper.

Got it.

[people chattering]

Who's ready for the Poconos?

Fresh powder!

Honey, did you not get my message?

We can't go to the f*cking Poconos.

-Raj is in jail.
-Right.

We just need to find the best,

most f*cked-up lawyer as*h*le
money can buy to get Raj out.

I think I know just the as*h*le.

-Yeah?
-We play ping pong together.

-Oh.
-[Max] This guy's gotten

some really bad people off
for some pretty heinous crimes.

Okay.

[softly whispering] Sinaloa Cartel.

I'm sorry. What did he say?

[softly] Sinaloa Cartel.

-[whispering] Globa-loba?
-Sin-- Sina--

Globa-soba?

[normal voice] I said the Sinaloa Cartel.

-Oh, yes!
-Oh, no!

That-that-that is our guy.

-Yeah, those are bad people. That's good.
-Yeah.

My man is in the clink!

-[purse thuds]
-[♪ dramatic sting]

-That's my jacket.
-Our jacket.

We're family now.

Sure, my marriage to Raj
is more of a situationship,

f*ck and hangs,

and butt stuff when he's feeling
more secure.

But I will stop at nothing

until my man is free.

-[Lucky] You're late.
-Nice to see you, Nandika.

This is Max, Lucky's...

Boyfriend.

Oh.

Hmm.

[smacks lips] Okay, so I obviously
posted Raj's mugshots online,

and they have already gone viral.

They're calling him the "f*ck Me Felon."

-[laughing]
-[Lucky] Nandika,

we're busy here trying
to get Raj out of jail.

Not this rubbish.

Yeah. Uh, can you not clock
that internet popularity

can make your frickin' case?

Luigi. Adnan Syed.

[whispers] Martha Stewart.

That's actually not a bad idea.

It's like reverse racial profiling,
but for hotness.

Give me this. Just let me cook.

[♪ "The Cape" by
Doza The Drum Dealer playing]

You wouldn't have gotten to where you are

if you weren't a ruthless businessman,
Mr. Whitehall.

That is why you deal to all the colleges
in the Philly area.

You are a k*ller.

[slurping]

[sighs]

[pops lips]

It's not personal,

but it's only a matter of time
before the Feds bring you down with Raj.

Then they're showing up to my campus,

arresting me during my improv show,

my parents take away my Range Rover.

It just gets messy.

Look, the difference is,

Raj is in jail for m*rder, not drugs.

-Mm-hmm.
-And he's innocent. Most likely.

Look, I was raised to believe that all men
are innocent no matter what they've done.

-Me too.
-Oh.

But business is business.

He will be out on bail.

Yeah, my mom said the same thing
about my dad at Christmas 2013.

Look, unless Raj has a secretary
that's open to settling out of court,

you are f*cked.

There is a lot to unpack there,
but I digress.

We're about to get a golf course, Percy,

and we both know that that type of
clientele is gonna do you really well.

[Lucky]
And the Penn regatta's tonight, right?

Kids are coming
from all the Tri-State area.

They're going to need their Jawnies.

-Jawnie, whoa!
-Woo!

Yeah, and I can get coke
from the Pho Brothers.

No heat.

[both speaking Urdu]

What if we offered you
a 10% discount on this pickup?

[clicks tongue]

It's not worth the risk.

Apologies, guys.

Hey, Percy.

-Hi.
-Hey, ladies.

See you at Scotty Hall.
I'm doing a tight 20.

That salmon pants backne'd m*therf*cker!

We're going to get Raj out.

[♪ tense percussive music playing]

Lucky. I want to introduce you
to Raj's lawyer.

-Oh! Remember, we just...
-Oh, yeah! Yeah.

This is my pal, Danyal.

-Hey!
-Ooh!

-[grunting rhythmically]
-[popping tongue]

-Oh! [laughs]
-Ah!

-Ping to my pong.
-[Max] Pong to my ping.

-We're so in sync with each other.
-With each other.

[chuckles] Uh,
this is my girlfriend, Lucky.

Girlfriend, yes.

Nice to meet you. Daniel, is it?

It's pronounced "Danyal,"
but it sounds better

when screamed into a pillow.

[Max] We met each other
on a bicycle trip through Toronto.

Got to talking about music,

and the next thing we knew,
we were having lunch,

and we had some
of those famous Canadian croissants.

Croissants, yeah.

Let me get in this! [chuckles]

My name is Mir Dar,
brother of the accused.

Really happy to have you on the team.

I've heard a lot of good things.
[chuckling]

What's up with you
and the ping pong lawyer?

[Lucky] [whispering] Shut the f*ck up!

-[whispering] I'm trying to get in there.
-[Mir] Oh, yeah, yeah.

[sighs]

-[Max] Lucky?
-[Lucky] Yeah.

-[Max] Are you okay?
-[Lucky] Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah,

-I just...
-Did I say "girlfriend" too soon?

-Not at all.
-'Cause I don't want to love b*mb you.

[laughing] You're not.

-Alright. I don't want a breadcrumb you.
-[Lucky] You're really not.

You know, I've been listening
to a podcast.

-Yeah. It's called, Call Her Daddy.
-Call Her Daddy.

[♪ "Trouble" by Brandon Butler,
Drew Milligan, Iain James playing]

-[Nandika] Ooh, yes. Yes, yes, yes, yes.
-[people wolf whistling]

And... Yes. Work it. Work it.

Chin down. Chin down. Angles! Smize!

Hey. Chin down. Chin down.

Wait. One more, one more, one more.
Look back, look back.

♪ Long pause ♪

♪ So you see me underground but ♪

♪ My needs are double,
might be they're nothin'...♪

[whispering] Every night. Every night.

[Judge McCormick] The court will now
hear arguments for bail.

Mr. Chadwater, for the people.

Thank you, Your Honor.

The People request no bail
as we deem the defendant

a danger to society and someone

who will probably k*ll again.

This bearded individual had the audacity
to b*mb a car 100 miles away

-from where 9/11 happened.
-[crowd murmuring]

-9/11?
-You can't say that.

-Is he Cuomo'ing me?
-Oh, he's Cuomo'ing the sh*t out of you.

-[Chadwater] Multiple eyewitnesses said...
-f*ck.

...that Mr. Dar spoke openly
about k*lling Saeed Ahmad.

And when the m*rder victim's home
was searched,

officers found this.

-[crowd gasping]
-[Mir] What an as*h*le.

He's got terrible handwriting.

[speaking Urdu] Madarchod!

What's on the other side there?

Oh, this? This is a screenplay
he was writing.

"Exterior: Mogadishu. Night.

Scheherazade: 20. Curvaceous.
Beautiful, but doesn't know it."

Objection, Your Honor!
Introduction of evidence?

This is not a trial.

Your Honor, rule 571 clearly states

that new evidence cannot be introduced
before a trial, babe.

[crowd murmuring]

[♪ tense percussive music playing]

Babe?

[Danyal sighs]

That's the Honorable Judge
Kerry McCormick up there.

Hey, did you think you could just waltz
in here with your Mamdani crew

and the rules wouldn't apply to you?

-[crowd murmuring]
-Objection. That's probably r*cist.

How is that r*cist? I'm a Sliwa guy.

Why... Why would you bring up Mamdani?

-Ooh, I'll tag Mamdani.
-[Chadwater] Because he's a mayor.

I'm running for mayor.

Hey, I don't know
what the rules are anymore.

It's like if I brought up Chris Pine,

Chris Pratt,

-Chris Hemsworth.
-This is going great for me.

-Chris Evans.
-Chris Evans!

-[Chadwater] Chris Evans, thank you.
-Chris Evans! Any of the white Chris's.

Order! Mr. Khan, enter your plea.

Um, our guy wants...

Your Honor,
I'm really sorry I called you that.

Hey! He didn't ask
if he could approach the bench!

Well, you didn't ask
if you could bring up 9/11.



Why did you bring it up in this context?

Well, I'm sorry, I'm an American.

[clapping]


It was just bad in one place. Okay.

Your Honor, I... I...

I'm sorry I called you "babe."

I've never called a judge, "babe" before.

I, I mean, not in the courtroom.

We were seeing each other.
Well, we hooked up a couple times.

Well, we didn't go all the way.
I asked both times.

-Your guy is boofing it,
-[Danyal] Your Honor, um...

[whispering]
I took a DayQuil earlier today,

and I think they're still researching
what the side effects are on that.

Please, just stop talking about it.

[whispering] About the babe thing?

Let's just forget it ever happened.

Well, that's a relief. Thanks, babe.

-[crowd gasps]
-[gavel rapping]

This is not feeling good to me.

[crowd murmuring]

This case will be held at no bail.

What?! No! No, no, no, no.

[Judge McCormick] Mr. Dar will be held
in federal prison until trial.

-[snickering]
-[gavel rapping]

[♪ soft Muzak playing]

I'm sorry. I don't know what came over me.

Actually, I do know what happened,
but it feels a little personal to say.

Unless this is a safe space?

-[muttering angrily]
-[Nandika] Guys, relax.

The f*ck Me Felon's perp walk
is doing crazy numbers on socials.

[Lucky] I don't know.

Okay, well, my job is done here,

so if you guys need me,
I'm gonna be on Discord

gooning to my husband's face.

Nobody knows what that means.

I do. I just don't want to explain.

Knock if you need me. Please knock.

[speaking Urdu]

[speaking Urdu]

Oh, sh*t.

[speaking Urdu]

[both speaking Urdu]

-What are you guys saying?
-Lucky and I used to date.

-Dude!
-f*ck!

What the hell is wrong with you?

You're breaking Wallahis?

[indistinct chatter]

-Go on!
-Hey! Easy, man.

[♪ "Bust" by 20 2x playing]

Yo, you guys need a point guard?

Oh.

♪ Big G7 moving through the field... ♪

Alright. Yeah. It looks like you guys got
a good team dynamic going on.

Sorry, I'm the new guy,
so I'm just gonna warm the bench.

-Oh, f*ck.
-Raj Dar.

Remember me? Hmm?

Zubair. You tried to k*ll me.

-[knife whooshes]
-[grunts]

-Damn!
-Damn!

-[Zubair] Yeah, you remember?
-Uh-uh.

Oh, pal, bring it in.

[players shouting]

[Zubair] Oh, come on back, bruv.
I don't bite, unless you want me to.

Yo, what you doing, dawg?

So, you and Lucky?

-[Lucky groans]
-I should have known.

Why? 'Cause we're both Pakistani?

We all know each other?
We've all had sex with each other?

We have a Pakistani orgy every week?

Huh? That's r*cist.

Although in this case, it is accurate.

So, I guess your racism
worked out this time.

So, when you guys were speaking Urdu,
were you saying you wanted to be together?

God, no.

He's a degenerate gambler.

I tried everything to quit,
including hypnotherapy!

I was a rooster for a week.

Still gambled.

I was a rouletting rooster.

-Even as a rooster, he was gambling.
-Yeah, you ruined our lives, babe!

I see what you did.
And I'm not a fan of it.

-[Raj] I thought you were gonna k*ll me.
-[Zubair] Prison changes you.

Hey, have you read this? The Alchemist.

It changed my life.
I'm like a prison guru now.

You know, this whole spiritual self-help
section has really made me reevaluate

all the people I've dismembered.

[Raj] Ah, show me the way, man.

I talked so much about wanting
to k*ll Ahmad...

-[Zubair] Mm-hmm.
-...but I didn't actually do it.

And I don't know who did.

You should talk to Ali.

-Ali, the Maalik?
-[Zubair] Yeah.

-Ali, here.
-[Feraz] Why you smoking

like it's a little d*ck, bro?

-The bald one?
-[Zubair] Yeah.

The one with resting pissed face?

The last photo that Hamza posted
was a pic of him,

Ali, Ahmad,

all at... [clicks tongue] bowling.

How serious were you two?

-God, it was just a fling.
-Very serious.

Max, Danyal meant
absolutely nothing to me.

She FaceTimed with my mom!

My mom called her beti,
which in Urdu means "daughter."

I got an extra mouth guard
just to keep at her place.

I paid out of pocket!

It was worth it.

I'm gonna slap you.

-[smacking] Oh!
-[grunts]

I'm not gonna slap you.

-[smacking] Psych!
-Ah!

You're just jealous I had her first.

-She's with me!
-For now.

We're in the middle
of a f*cking crisis here.

And all you two grown men can do
is slap each other?!

You both want me?

-Yes, Lucky. I'm sorry.
-Yes, Lucky.

-I'm sorry.
-[Lucky] Fine.

Whoever can get Raj out of jail...

gets me.

[exhales sharply]

You guys want to date my auntie?

[♪ hip-hop music playing]

-Then you're gonna have to get your sh*t--
-Yeah, we know, we followed.

She made it really clear.

Stated it so plainly.

It was her last word
before she left the room.

-I don't need a recap. You need a recap?
-No, I-- It's--

There's a challenge ahead.

The stakes have been established.

Are you the f*ck Me Felon?

-The what?
-[inmate] You are.

The dude my girlfriend is obsessed with.

I-I don't know what--
what you're talking about.

Bullshit. You're lying to me.

You're the famous f*ck Me Felon.

-Big Rob.
-You're lying.

-Hey!
-[Zubair] Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey!

We're practicing nonviolence
over here, remember?

Listen, Mr. Big Rob sir.

Um, my family is doing really well
on the outside.

So, instead of kicking my a*s,
I can get you some things.

You know, if you need
a cell phone or cigarettes.

I need compression socks.

I have edema.

And some gluten free snacks!

I'll call my brother, and he'll get you
compression socks and gluten free snacks.

Just give me a couple of hours.

[Big Rob] Today, b*tch!

[Mir] Yeah, whatever you need.

Compression socks?

Okay, you got it.

Wait! No, don't hang up. Ugh.

-I was gonna show tit.
-He's on a landline, Nandika.

He could still sense it.

[Mir sighs]

Wait, how is my viral hunk doing?

He's in trouble. And so are we.

[grunting]

You know we lost two dealers
to the Pho Bros?

Mm. Mm-mm.

And Reza needs his down payment soon...

[straining] for the golf course.

Oh, Jesus.

Well, I have something
that'll cheer you up.

Look at this. Jimmy m*therf*cking Kimmel!

So, his real name is Raj,

but the internet has been calling him
the Eff Me Felon

-based on this attractive mugshot.
-[audience cheering, whooping]

Now, this is how the legal system
works in America.

-You're innocent until proven ugly.
-[audience laughing]

Personally, I'm officially a Raji. I-I--

[Mir] "Officially a Raji"?

Yeah, that's what I'm calling
the f*ck Me Felon's fans.

-The Rajis
-[sighs] Okay.

-I mean, that's clever, but...
-Thank you. I know.

...you think it's actually gonna work?

Like, you think he's gonna get released
from jail soon?

It is working.

Chadwater's approval ratings are way down.

Was the poll on my IG story? Yes.

Are my followers,
like, generally misinformed

and extremely biased? Also yes.

Nandika, I need you to be serious with me.

[Nandika] Mm-hmm?

Do you think I can still get away with
using my Drexel student ID?

To... rush a frat?

-No, I gotta get into the regatta.
-[Nandika] Hmm.

I still need one more chance
to talk to Whitehall and...

f*ck, now I gotta give these socks to Raj.

Can you go for me?
I really don't have time.

Mm-mm. Mm-mm. You have to get
your name approved in advance,

and I'm holding out for conjugal.

You know what? Raj will be fine.

Okay. Well, show him tit for me!

Where are my socks, b*tch?

[♪ tense music playing]

My brother's gonna be here
any minute, man.

He's, like, down the street.
Officers, where are you going? Officers?

[knuckles cracking]

Dude, come on.

Just be a little patient, man.

-[grunts]
-[glass door thumps]

[people chattering]

[♪ country music playing in casino]

-Hey.
-Hey!

Do you think it's a good idea
for a gambling addict

to be working out of a casino?

Being surrounded by losers
makes me feel like a winner.

So, thanks for coming. It helps.

Called you a loser.

I gathered that.

Listen, I have a proposition for you.

I'm not gonna do anything you want me to.

I will pay off your street debt
to Joey Nose...

Okay, I'll do it.

Oh, there's more.

...if you agree to just create
some distance between you and lucky.

You know, it's like a hundred K
plus the vig?

I really want her.

We have a deal.

Alright, that's good. Um...

as an ending to the deal,

would you mind

if I humiliate you in front of Lucky?

Like, tonight?

What did you have in mind?

Remember, you throw the game,
I throw you the cash.

Yeah, we literally just talked about it.
I remember.

Max, you told me to show up
in "tradwife powder blue"? Ridiculous.

-Did you find a Raj solution?
-I did.

But first we settle this like men.

We pong.

[casino crowd chattering and laughing]

[♪ intense music playing]

You're serving.

And you're going down.

"S-M-D."

-What is it?
-"Suck my d*ck."

-That's "suck my d*ck"?
-I'm playing for real.

I want her back.

Ugh!

[growls]

[♪ intense music playing]

-[grunts]
-Ha ha!

That's called a smash, b*tch!

-Dammit!
-Smash, baby.

You know, like we used to do?

Come on.

[groans]

Chinese style!

That's what it's called. It's not r*cist.
It's actually called that.

-My point!
-It's called a penhold.

That is r*cist.

[♪ intense music continues]

That doesn't count.

[scoffs, chuckles]

♪♪

Ha-ha-ha! You suck!

[growling]

[phone buzzing]

Hi, beta.

Lucky Auntie,
you guys totally abandoned me.

Mir didn't show up,
so you can tell him he's dead to me.

And there's this guy in here,
his name is Big Rob,

and he's actually really big.

And he kicked my a*s.

-I think he's gonna k*ll me.
-Okay.

Hello?

[g*ns c*ck]

-There are people in jail...
-Whoa!

...trying to k*ll Raj,

and all you two can do is play
with your tiny ba*ls?!

Wait, did you say people are trying
to k*ll Raj in jail?

So, he's under unreasonable risk
of harm in prison!

I could probably use that
to get him out on bail.

Wow, Danyal, that's actually genius.
How soon can you do that?

I'll file the appeal right now.

[speaking Urdu]

-[blows]
-[growls]

[thudding]

[grunting]

[in Urdu] Main jeet gaya, bandar chod!

That means, "I won, monkey f*ck!"

[Lucky sighs heavily]

So, that's it?

Come on, Max,
I'm not gonna get back with Danyal.

I'm not some stuffed animal
you can just win at some carnival.

I just said all that
so I could get Raj out,

and it worked.

I'm crazy about you.

You treacherous harlot.

[♪ "Bringin' on the Night"
by Robbie Nevil playing]

[Nandika] The f*ck Me Felon is free!

[Rajis cheering]

Baby, I want you to meet your Rajis.

They are very, very excited
to hang out with you.

Okay, I'll be right there.

Okay, okay.

Hey.

-Hey.
-I don't even want to have an orgy.

I'm not in the mood.

But I said I was going to.

And I'm a man of my word.

-Raj--
-Shut up. Hold my drink.

-My Rajis! Ah! [laughing]
-[Rajis screaming]

Kinda like the Rajneeshees.

I'm not gonna get
all Wild Wild Country on you.

[Nandika] These women did what
the American justice system couldn't.

-"Raj" on three. One, two, three.
-[all] Raj!

Well, Lucky, I know you and I have this

will-they-won't-they-they-should

'cause-it-would-be-so-good energy.

But when you pointed a g*n at me,
I came to a very important realization.

I don't want to die.

So, Max, she's all yours.

Not really yours to give away.

But I do appreciate the sentiment, Danyal.

The most important thing
is that Raj is out for now.

So, thank you.

[glasses clinking]

[Nandika] And they have a dance for you.

And I've talked to each
and every single one of them,

and I think she's our third.

-She has stamina--
-Hey, hey! Hi, everyone.

Do you mind if I steal the man
of the hour for a second?

-Be quick.
-Okay.

What do you want, dude? I'm busy.

Look, I know that you're angry,

and I'm sorry
for not visiting you in jail.

I had to handle this sh*t with Whitehall.

-You get that, right?
-Oh, yeah.

I totally get it, dude.

You care more about the business
than you do your own brother.

-What?
-I got the sh*t

kicked out of me because of you!

We're in this situation because of you,
you f*cking idiot!

-Don't f*cking push me.
-Ow!

[Raj] Shut the f*ck up!

Ah! You can't reach. You can't--

-Oh!
-Ahh!

Why are your n*pples so small?

-[Raj] They're regular-sized!
-Hold this.

-Stop it!
-I have to fix

-every dumbass mistake you make.
-[grunting]

-I said stop it!
-You don't clean up sh*t!

[Raj and Mir screaming]

-[in Urdu] Sorry bolo.
-[both] No!

Congratulations, Max.

I'm sure you and Lucky
will be very happy together.

Okay, I'm sorry. I'm sorry!

No, I don't forgive you!
I'm sorry, I'm sorry.

Not yet.

I still have two obstacles
I need to eliminate.

[Raj and Mir continue groaning]

[♪ "Shimmy Shimmy Ya"
by Ol' Dirty b*stard playing]

♪ Shimmy, shimmy, ya
shimmy, yam, shimmy, yay ♪

♪ Gimme the mic, so I can take it away ♪

♪ Off on a natural charge, bon voyage ♪

♪ Yeah, from the home
of the Dodger Brooklyn squad ♪

♪ Wu-Tang k*ller bees on a swarm ♪

♪ Rain on your college-a*s disco dorm ♪

♪ For you to even touch my skill ♪

♪ You gotta go through one k*ller bee
and he aim for the k*ll ♪

♪ Now chop that down, pass it all around ♪

♪ Lyrics get hard quick
cement to the ground ♪

♪ For any MC in any fifty-two states ♪

♪ I get psycho k*ller, Norman Bates ♪

♪ My producer slam
my flow is like, "Bam" ♪

♪ Jump on stage and then I dip down ♪

♪ I like the way you talkin' ♪

♪ Ooh, baby, I like it raw ♪

♪ Yeah, baby, I like it raw ♪

♪ Ooh, baby, I like it raw ♪

♪ Yeah, baby, I like it raw ♪

♪ Ooh, baby, I like it raw ♪

♪ Yeah, baby, I like it raw ♪

♪ Ooh, baby, I like it raw ♪

♪ Yeah, baby, I like it raw, huh ♪

♪ Shimmy, shimmy, ya
shimmy, yam, shimmy, yay ♪

♪ Shi-shimmy, shi-shi ♪

♪ Shimmy, shimmy, ya
shimmy, yam, shimmy, yay ♪

♪ Gimme the mic, so I can take it away ♪

♪ Shimmy, shimmy, ya... ♪

[♪ fanfare playing]

♪♪