01x21 - Mr. Brilliant

[bunniefuu]

♪ New boy in the neighborhood ♪

♪ Lives downstairs
and it's understood ♪

♪ He's there just to
take good care of me ♪

♪ Like he's one of the family ♪

♪ Charles in charge
of our days

and our nights ♪

♪ Charles in charge
of our wrongs

and our rights ♪

♪ And I say I want, I want

Charles in charge of me ♪

♪ Charles in charge
of our days

and our nights ♪

♪ Charles in charge
of our wrongs

and our rights ♪

♪ And I say I want

Charles in charge of me ♪

♪

So what made you decide

to buy Mrs. Pembroke a plant?

Because she's always saying
how this corner could use

a pretty living thing.

Why don't we just
hang up Gwendolyn?

I've decided to do something
for Mrs. Pembroke, Buddy.

I mean, she's always
doing so much for me,

giving me advice and
helping me out with things.

Just once...

I wanna do something
nice for her first,

before she can do something--

Charles, I have a
present for you.

--nice for me.

Our sports editor
had four extra passes

to the Knicks game next week.

-The Knicks?
-Mm-hm.

I thought you and Buddy
and the boys could go.

Oh, they're not really
very good seats,

they're right
behind the bench.

I mean, talk about having
to sit behind tall people.

Oh...that's lovely!

Oh, uh, I bought
it for you.

I know you've been
wanting one there.

Well, that is very thoughtful
of you, Charles, thank you.

I helped.

Mrs. Pembroke,
courtside seats,

do you know how hard
it is to get these?

-Mrs. Pembroke...
-That's all right, Charles.

Just enjoy them.

Oh, and don't
eat anything,

we're having a
very big dinner.

I hope you like roast
beef, and baby corns,

and Yorkshire pudding,

and salad, and homemade
chocolate mousse.

Charles, you gotta get
me invited to dinner.

I want to do something
for Mrs. Pembroke, right?

So I put up a plant.

But no plant could ever
balance courtside tickets

to a Knick game.

I want to do something for
her, Buddy, something great.

What could be
something great

that we could do
for her tonight?

Nothing.

There's nothing we can
do for her tonight.

I have to go to
a guest lecture

for my English class tonight.

And look at this,
it's by some dumb guy

I've never even heard
of, Max Ziegler.

Max Ziegler?

The Max Ziegler?

No, the false Max Ziegler,
Max Ziegler's evil twin.

How would I know, Buddy,
who's Max Ziegler?

You don't know him?

Who's Max Ziegler?

Max Ziegler, ugh, he's only
one of the most important,

influential men
in America today.

He has published
books and essays.

I thought he was
one of the Pep Boys.

Max Ziegler is the
reason I became a writer.

Isn't it Manny, Moe, and Max?

He's the one
with the glasses.

-What about Max Ziegler?
-He's giving a lecture

on campus tonight.

Here?

Oh, I don't believe this.

After all these years.

We went to high
school together.

He's brilliant, he's
a literary genius.

He's the only person I
ever wrote a fan letter to.

Buddy, I think we're
on to something.

-What?
-Mr. Ziegler.

If I could somehow find a
reason to get him over here--

Why would he want
to come here?

Oh...that's a
problem, isn't it?

That's okay, you're
good with problems.

Why do you say that?

Charles, I have a problem.

It's an emergency,
Charles, it's my shoes.

Oh, a shoe emergency.

Call the shoe squad,
Buddy, alert Dr. Scholl.

I bought these with
my own money, okay?

-My dream shoes?
-Yeah.

I've wanted them
for three months.

And?

Mom says I have
to return them.

Well, Lila, I'm sure your
mother has her reasons.

How, you haven't
even seen them.

Well, let me see 'em.

Lila, I'm sure your
mother has her reasons.

Every girl at Northside High
has these shoes, Charles.

These shoes are not made for
walking the streets, Lila.

What do you think,
goon machine?

I think they're for
walking the streets.

They cost $29, Charles,

of my own money.

I deprive myself, Charles.

I deprive myself of the new
Vogue spring/summer preview,

the new Duran Duran album,

and this incredibly cute
little stuffed mouse

that was dressed
up like a bride

with a little dress
and a little veil,

and a tiny little
mouse bouquet,

and it was so cute.

And I didn't buy it, Charles,
because I wanted these shoes.

Lila, this is
really something

that's between you
and your mother.

You're siding with
her, aren't you?

But, Charles,
they're my own feet.

It's between you and
your mother, Lila.

I'm piercing my ears.

Nice talkin' to ya.

How could she
want a bride mouse

and spike heels
in the same year?

It's a tough age, Buddy.

I remember when I was 14.

I liked Playboy,

but I didn't know why.

I knew why I liked Playboy.

I just didn't know
why I had to be 14.

-What are you doing?
-I'm looking up hotels.

I'm trying to figure
out where Max Ziegler

will be staying.

Do you guys think I ought
to call the Faculty Club

and see if he remembers me?

No.

What?

The Faculty Club.

I'm gonna call them.

Who wants to hear
about my new company?

Everybody, Douglas,
but not now.

Greeting cards, I'm
writing greeting cards

for difficult occasions.

Douglas, I'm right in
the middle of something--

"So sorry to hear
you are going to die.

We can't say 'Get Well,'
so we'll just say 'Goodbye.'"

Douglas, that is wonderful.

Really, why don't you
go write some more now?

So we can have
more, many more.

Sure!

Okay, Faculty Club.

What's in the box, Jason?

Charles, this is
just an ordinary box.

An everyday box.

The air holes are
purely decorative.

Come here.

Jase...I'm right in the
middle of something.

So I'm really hoping this
is not another something

that I'm going to
have to deal with.

Charles, my soccer
team has entrusted me

with a serious
responsibility.

Please don't blow it for me.

Okay, what is it?

They want me to
take care of Howard.

-Howard?
-Our mascot.

A chameleon?

We're not a rich
team, Charles.

Jason...what
exactly does he do?

What does he do?

Charles, he blends!

At halftime, when
the band plays,

we take him out and
put him on the grass,

and he blends into the grass.

We take him and put
him on the goal line,

and he blends to
the goal line.

Once we put
him on a hotdog,

and Mr. Sydell,
the principal--

Jason, I'm trying to make
a very important phone call,

so, please, go upstairs and
put Howard someplace safe.

Can he go swimming with me?

No.

No matter where
you're thinking

of having him swim, no.

Okay.

Faculty Club, Faculty Club.

Charles?

Look, there he is!

"Max Ziegler, Mr. Brilliant."

Kinda weird-looking,
huh, Buddy?

In a good-looking way.

Wait a minute.

Where are you?

Oh, no, I'm not in
this book, I was sick.

Let's see, your
maiden name is, uh...

I didn't have one.

X, I was Jill X.

It was very '60s.

Gardner, Jill Gardner,
that's it.

G, Gardner.

Pixie?

They called you "Pixie"?

Hey, Buddy, look
at Mrs. Pembroke,

cute little Pixie.

Great go-go boots.

Cute miniskirt.

"The French Club, Glee Club,

school newspaper."

Boy, Mrs. Pembroke,
you were peppy.

"Life's ambition,
to be a writer.

Or a stewardess."

Hey, who's this number
with the beehive hairdo?

Oh, that was Elise.

She was kind of, um, fast.

She was voted the Girl
Most Likely To...

To what?

Just to.

-Who's this?
-That's Stan!

I don't believe it.

Love that buzz cut.

Didn't you know we went
to high school together?

Oh, I don't believe
that Mr. Pembroke

was a hall monitor.

Mr. "I went to Woodstock"
was a hall monitor?

Wait a minute, let me
see Max's picture again.

You know, he used to sort of
look at me in English class.

He was always writing
these fabulous papers.

[stove bell dings]

Pixie.

Buzz cut.

What are you going
to say to him?

I am going to invite
him over for dinner.

You're crazy!

Buddy, professors are
people too, you know.

Hello?

I'd like to please
speak to Max Ziegler.

What's that?

Oh, I split my infinitive?

I'm so sorry.

Hello, Mr. Ziegler?

It's him.

Hello, my name is Charles,

and I'm a student in
your lecture tonight.

-What's he saying?
-Come on, Buddy, quiet.

Sir, I'm calling
for Jill Pembroke,

formerly Jill Gardner who
went to high school with you,

and who wrote you
her only fan letter,

and would love
to see you, and--

Jill Gardner.

Uh, no sir, not the one
with the beehive hairdo.

That was Elise.

Yes, I've heard that.

-I have it!
-Hold on a second.

I am gonna call him.

I'm going to explain to him

that I'm with the
newspaper now--

No, wait, he hates
newspaper reporters.

He hates interviews.

He had a fight with
a photographer once.

Forget it.

Mr. Ziegler, if
you came to dinner,

you could avoid all
those newspaper reporters

and photographers that
I'm sure will be crowding--

Food, Charles.

And, you know, Mr. Ziegler,

being on a college lecture
circuit all the time,

I bet you really miss
a good home-cooked meal.

Oh, no sir,
my name is Charles,

I just live here,
I'm not related.

No, I live here in
exchange for helping

with the children.

You will?

Yes!

Yes, sir, 6:30.


Oh, thank you!

Did it!

I did it, Buddy,
I finally did

something great
for Mrs. Pembroke.

This is gonna
be unbelievable.

Charles, I love these shoes.

Charles, wanna hear
my new greeting card?

Charles, do you want to see
Howard drive Barbie's car?

Hey...who said you could
use my Barbie's car?

Lila, how come you
never use your stuff

until I use your stuff?

Charles, I'm going
back to the dorm.

I'm gonna look
through my yearbook.

What for?

I wanna see if we had
any girls named Elise.

Kids, someone very special
is coming to dinner tonight.

Who, Charles?

Mrs. Pembroke...

I have a surprise for you!

I have been trying
to think of something

really perfect for
you and I have.

Somebody very special is
coming to dinner tonight

as a surprise for you.

-Who?
-Max Ziegler.

[gasping]

Max Ziegler?

Max Ziegler, the Pep Boy?

Charles, how did you do that?

-Hi, honey, Charles.
-Hi, Mr. Pembroke.

Stan!

The most wonderful
thing has happened.

Charles has arranged
for Max Ziegler

to come to dinner tonight.

Isn't it wonderful?

Charles, I don't believe
it, how did you do it?

You did it!

Oh, this is so exciting,
I can't stand it.

Wait a minute,
what am I gonna say?

Max Ziegler!

After all these years.

Oh, look at me,
I gotta change.

Kids, change for dinner.

What am I gonna wear?

I got it.

My blue dress.

It's sophisticated,
yet trendy,

it's--it's
affluent yet humble.

It's perfect!

Yet, at the cleaners,

my blue dress is
at the cleaners.

♪

Hi!

Uh...

This is difficult
for me, Charles.

I know, sir.

An important guest, big dinner.

No, no, that's
not what I mean.

Uh, this is difficult for me
because you're a good person

and you think you've
done something very good,

and very nice,
and very wonderful

for my wife who
adores Max Ziegler.

The problem is...I hate him.

♪

And I've given this
a lot of thought, Charles.

I don't want Max Ziegler
to set foot in this house.

Mr. Pembroke, do you hate
him so much that he couldn't

just, please, set foot in
this house for two hours?

Two hours isn't so long.

Love Boat sometimes
takes two hours.

[doorbell rings]

Mr. Pembroke,
I know I work for you,

and I am always glad
to do whatever you say.

But in all the time
I've been here,

I've never been able
to do one good thing

for Mrs. Pembroke, who does
so many good things for me,

which I could never pay back.

Mr. Pembroke,
I was actually able

to get in touch with
Max Ziegler and he's here.

But if you don't
want him here, sir,

I work for you
and he's not going

to set foot in this house.

[doorbell rings]

Answer the door, Charles.

No.

Charles, answer the door.

Mr. Pembroke, I'm in
some trouble here.

Outside that door
stands Max Ziegler,

who your wife wrote
her only fan letter to

and that you hate.

[doorbell rings]

He's a present.

We'll exchange him,
who do you want?

You want Soupy Sales?

I want you to let Max Ziegler
in the house, Charles.

Didn't I hear the doorbell?

Did Mrs. Pembroke
hear the doorbell?

Max Ziegler, after
all these years.

Pembroke.

Max.

Pembroke, you look
terrific with hair.

Thanks, Max, so do you.

Well, why shouldn't I?

-Jill.
-Max.

Oh!

Jill, I haven't seen
your byline in the Times,

you must have
switched to fiction?

No, actually--

Mom, can I have
some roast beef?

Not before dinner, honey.

Can I have some bugs?

No, you're gonna
spoil your appetite.

Bugs?

Howard is starving.

Jason, get up here!

Your chameleon got
into my ant farm.

He ate the entire north 40.

And people wonder why farmers

have such a hard time
making a living.

Oh, uh, Max?

This is Charles.

Charles takes care
of the children

and he helps out
around the house.

Yeah, so I've heard.

Fascinating relationship.

Isn't it a big adjustment

having a stranger
living with you?

Well, we don't consider
Charles a stranger.

Ah...oh, this is a
bottle of Chateaumar '58.

The Faculty Club keeps it at
precisely 66 degrees for me.

Is that right?

I'll show you how
to remove the cork

when it's time
for it to breathe.

Mom, I just want to
ask you one thing.

Is it just the color?

Because they also come
in yellow and green.

Lila, I don't want
you wearing anything

that glows in the dark.

But think of the
safety factor.

That's exactly what
I'm thinking of.

Jill, this is a very charming
wine, the grapes ripen

directly beneath my window
at my place in Provence.

Oh.

It's his villa.

There's a lot I'd like
to ask you, Mr. Ziegler.

There's a lot I'd like
to ask you, Mr. Pembroke.

[Stan sighs]

Mr. Pembroke, I am so sorry.

You were right and
you didn't want him

over this house
because you were afraid

that Mrs. Pembroke would
find out that she wrote

her only fan
letter to a phony.

He's not a phony, Charles.

He's not?

He's got the villa and
he's got the grapes.

And he was the reason

that Mrs. Pembroke
became a writer.

Well, then why
do you hate him?

Because he's gonna make her
miserable all over again.

-Why?
-Because he always did.

Precisely 66 degrees.

He's convinced her
that all writers

have to suffer
for their art.

I mean, when we
were in high school,

whenever we would start
to have a good time,

she would make us stop.

That happens to all
the guys, Mr. Pembroke.

One wrong word from
him about her work

and she would be devastated.

What wrong thing could
he say about her work?

Mrs. Pembroke has
a nice little job

writing for a
New Jersey newspaper.

That ought to do it.

I assume your reason
for having Charles here

is to give you more free
time for world traveling.

-Well...
-When is the last time

you saw Paris, Jill?

I'm afraid to say we haven't
made it over there yet.

But that's because we had
our first child early.

We sort of wanted to grow
up with our children.

Mom, we have to take
Howard to the vet.

He's become a blend-oholic.

He crawled on to the window
and tried to become the view.

Sweetie, we have company.

No, Jill, there's
nothing like Paris.

Yes, but then
there's nothing

like our children either.

Hi.

Douglas, take off the mask.

We're having dinner.

Sorry, I thought
it was formal.

Hi.

You can't.

You can't tell me
that you have never

run with the bulls
in Pamplona.

How could I have let
this man in the house?

I want Mrs. Pembroke
to be happy, Charles.

Mr. Ziegler, you've
traveled all over the world,

isn't this look in fashion?

I've never had children.

I'm a writer, too,
Mr. Ziegler.

Yes, everybody's a writer.

Greeting cards
for all occasions.

Here's one for victims
of assassination attempts.

You're a very
strange little boy.

I like to think of myself
as a casual individualist.

The secret to
enjoying a fine wine

is in its careful handling.

Voila.

Would you like me to pop
that in the old microwave

and defrost it for you, Max?

Howard's gone!

He must've gotten
out of my pocket.

Charles, you have
to help me find him.

There's a chameleon
loose in the house?

Don't worry, you won't be
able to see him, he blends.

Charles, he
could be anywhere.

He could be--he
could be on the couch,

he could be on the carpet,

he could be...

Charles!

Howard doesn't know
about fireplaces.

He could blend
into the bricks

and by the time
we found him,

it would be too late.

He would've blended
his final blend.

Jason, think.

If you were Howard,
where would you go?

Into the sink.

Down the drain,
into the sewer

to the land of
the big alligators.

You check the bathroom,
I'll check the kitchen.

-Excuse us.
-Excuse us.

Excuse me.

Charles, you strike me as
a bright, perceptive fellow.

Mr. Ziegler, be
careful where you step.

Howard is a very
talented chameleon.

He'd have no problem
looking like Congoleum.

What are you doing
in this house?

You're a young man, Charles,

why would you want
to be stuck here

with this bunch of Pembrokes?

I'm not stuck.

The Pembrokes
are nice people.

And taking care
of the children

is a wonderful way to earn
the money I need for school.

Did that banana move?

I need more light in here.

Lights--ah, here we are.

[garbage disposal grinding]

No!

Phew, he's not in there.

For a second, I thought
Douglas was gonna have

to come up with
a sympathy card.

That's all right,
Mr. Ziegler,

I'll find Howard.

Why don't you go out and
talk to Mrs. Pembroke?

That's why you
came over here.

That's not why I came here.

Why would I come
over here to talk

to a middle-class
mother of three?

No, Charles, I came
here to talk to you.

You see, I'm writing a
book based on my lectures

about youth in the '80s.

And you can be a
part of my book.

Why don't you talk
to Mrs. Pembroke

about your book?

She could help you,
she's a wonderful writer.

She's a hack.

She writes small items
for a small newspaper

in a small town.

Jason was right.

There is a chameleon
in this kitchen.

Can we get rid of this guy?

Charles, I want
Mrs. Pembroke

to be happy.

Howard's not in
the kitchen, Jason.

We'll look for him
after dinner, okay?

If I had an important
guest over to dinner,

such as myself,

I would not have
children running about,

let alone amphibians.

And you, relinquishing
your authority to this, uh...

this college boy who
obviously has no control

over these children
just so you can be free

to do your so-called writing.

Just so you can make
believe you're happy.

Are you happy, Jill?

What?

Are you happy with your
writing, your kids, Charles,

your house, your husband?

Do you believe
you're happy, Jill?

I couldn't be happier.

Can we be happy,
too, Mr. Pembroke?

Let's be happy.

What, what, what, what?

Hey, what--

-Are you happy, Charles?
-I am so happy!

I'm happy, too.

Howard--got him!

♪

♪ Charles in charge
of our days

and our nights ♪

♪ Charles in charge
of our wrongs

and our rights ♪

♪ And I say I want

Charles in charge of me ♪

♪ Charles in charge
of our days

and our nights ♪

♪ And I say I want

Charles in charge of me ♪