01x06 - Slumber Party

[bunniefuu]

♪ New boy in the neighborhood ♪

♪ Lives downstairs
and it's understood ♪

♪ He's there just to
take good care of me ♪

♪ Like he's one of the family ♪

♪ Charles in charge
of our days

and our nights ♪

♪ Charles in charge
of our wrongs

and our rights ♪

♪ And I say I want, I want

Charles in charge of me ♪

♪ Charles in charge
of our days

and our nights ♪

♪ Charles in charge
of our wrongs

and our rights ♪

♪ And I say I want

Charles in charge of me ♪

♪

Gwendolyn, it was
an idiot thing to do

and I don't want to
talk about it anymore.

I wanna forget about this!

And I wanna sit on the couch

and kiss on the lips for
a couple of minutes, okay?

I felt like it!

Gwendolyn, you go to an ice
cream parlor for ice cream.

It's on the sign,
it says "Ice Cream."

That means they have
ice cream there.

You don't go to
an ice cream parlor

and order salad.

You're such a woman.

It was on the menu, Charles.

It said "salad."

That means they
have salad there!

Yes, Gwendolyn, but you
spoiled it for everyone else

that was eating ice cream.

You made them
all feel guilty!

Why don't you stand
outside the movies

and read The Brothers Karamazov?

I do not appreciate
your decibel level

because of my
preference for lettuce.

-Women.
-I heard that.

Of course you did.

Rabbit food, rabbit ears.

Well, what's that for?

That was for goodbye.

What--wait a minute,
Gwendolyn, what's the matter?

I thought we were
just arguing.

You called me a woman!

We're through,
so you're wrong,

we are not arguing,
because we're through.

Okay, you gonna leave?

Fine, leave.

That's the perfect
woman thing to do.

Terrific, what is the perfect
man thing to do, Charles?

Stay and duke it out?

[doorbell rings]

Well, at least men can fight

and beat each other up

and stay friends.

Okay, fine.

Come on, I'm ready.

-Hi, Gwen.
-Hi, Li.

Snickerdoodles!

S'mores!

Crispy Crunchies!

Fudge Wheedles!

Slumber parties
are so much fun!

Gwendolyn, just--
just put your hands down.

Why, what's the matter,
you afraid?

Come on, I'll knock
your head off.

Gwendolyn, please, the only
head you could knock off

is a head of lettuce.

Oh!

Ooh.

Ah, not bad.

That's for calling me a woman.

Yeah, well, what would
you like me to call you?

I would like you to
never call me again.

You better call me
before sunrise

to apologize for
calling me a woman!

Gwendolyn, I didn't mean--

I didn't mean woman
in its negative sense.

Okay, fine!

Who needs this, I don't
wanna see you again either.

I have had it with women.

I don't understand women.

[doorbell rings]

Now, don't come crawling
back to me, baby!

I've decided to spend
a quiet evening

right here in this house

without the company of any...

women.

Lila, there's a boy
on the premises.

Don't worry, Stacy,
he's not gonna be here.

He's going out with Gwendolyn.

Oh no, I'm not.

Gwendolyn's gone nuts,
like the rest of your kind.

So, please don't
mention women to me.

Sara Lee!

Aunt Jemima!

Betty Crocker!

And look, she brought
one of her romances too!

"He gazed at her,

his manly brow
suffused with passion."

Heather!

[doorbell rings]

Woo, woo!

Fudge Wheedles.

No, Charles, it's Enid.

[gasps]

I said "Fudge
Wheedles" to Enid?

Enid!

I don't believe you
brought your horses.

Enid, you didn't?

She brought her horses.

Only the girl horses.

Hey girls, how's
everything going?

Uh, come on,
let's go upstairs.

Yeah, the joint's
flooded with men.

Seems like we're members
of a minority group.

Not me.

I seem to be all alone.

I see that.

Where's Gwendolyn?

Gone forever.

Trouble in paradise?

Oh, I don't know,
Mr. Pembroke.

The girl eats lettuce.

And she slams doors
and she never wants

to see me again.

I don't understand women.

Well, Charles,
it takes a long time

before you can understand women,

but when you reach
the right age,

it all becomes easy.

Really?

Well, when's the right age?

I'll let you know
when I get there.

Oh, there ya are, boys.

You ready to go up
to Aunt Jackie's?

What...is ready?

What is up?

The master says all
action is relative.

And the disciple answers...

I'm not your disciple

and I'm sorry
I'm your relative!

Dad, do we have to go
up to Aunt Jackie's?

Yes.

This is Lila's slumber party.

Girls only.

Now, come on,
let's get a move on.

What is move?

What is...motion?

Disciple?

Look, I told you,
I'm not your disciple!

Charles, why did Buddy
have to show Douglas

that book on Zen?

I don't know, Mr. Pembroke,

but he's sorry
and I'm sorry

and the whole
neighborhood is sorry.

But most of all, I think--

Jason's sorry.

A disciple can
not know sorrow.

I am not your disciple!

I'm your death!

So, how's everything in here?

Routine.

You sure you're
gonna be all right?

Hey, I have survived
many a slumber party

in my day.

Okay, come on,
guys, let's go.

Oh, and don't worry, Charles,

love will out.

What is love?

What is...

out?

What is pain!

"Woman.

The adult female person."

Female.

Female, female,
female, female.

"Female.

That of the species
which produces eggs."

That was a mistake.

We're making brownies.

Lila, Lila!

Ding-dong!

Knock, knock, knock, knock!

That sounds like your
cheerleader friend.

Paula Thackery!

Oh, it's Charles.

This is Kim.

Charles, Kim,
Kim, Charles.

Isn't he cute?

Give me a "Charles,"
give me a "cute."

-Give me a kiss!
-Hello, Paula.

Okay, we've got s'mores,
snickerdoodles,

and Fudge Wheedles.

What did you bring?

[shrieking]

[doorbell rings]

Oh, get that, Charles!

No, Lila!

I have my own life
too, you know!

And I don't think I have
to spend the rest of it

answering the door for
your little girlfriends.

And you are the
ugliest little girl

I've ever seen.

Sorry, Lila.

Hey, Charles, what are all
these little girls doing here?

These are not
little girls, Buddy.

These are future women.

They may be baking
brownies now,

but they'll be ordering
salads soon enough.

Oo-oo, open hostility
towards womanhood,

no Gwendolyn,
and a babbling Charles.

I sense a fight
in your recent past.

Oh, women are inconsistent
and unpredictable.

And impossible to understand.

Orville Redenbacher!

No, Buddy Lembeck.

Not you, goon machine.

We can have popcorn
while we watch...

Duran Duran on video!

[shrieking]

[chatter]

Maybe I'll become a monk.

I could bake bread
and weave textiles

for the rest of my life.

-And pray.
-For what?

For an understanding of women
because I've had it with them.

But I deserve to understand
what I've had it with.

No, no, forget it.

I am forgetting women
for one night, that's it.

Is that possible?

Yes, Buddy, you know why?

Because tonight it's me and you.

Best friends
out on the town,

no women involved.

I don't even wanna
hear about women.

Deal, what's playing
at the campus theater?

Uh, "Women In Love."

What about TV?

TV...

"Wonder Woman."

Cable?

"An Unmarried Woman."

I don't suppose there's a
good rodeo in town, is there?

No, but there is
a bowling alley

and we could roll
over shirt sleeves

up to our shoulders.

Done!

I can't wait to get
outta here, Buddy.

I mean, there are eight

trying to bake cakes
in the kitchen.

Who knows what kind of
damage they're capable of.

Luck.

[telephone ringing]

Hey, maybe that's Gwendolyn.

Maybe she's come to her senses

and wants to sit on
the couch and make up.

Yeah, but we hate
women tonight, Charles.

You're right, Buddy.

Ah, she probably
wants to come over

and borrow some salad dressing.

[ringing continues]

-I'll get it.
-She's getting it, good.

-Hello?
-We'll be outta here

and I won't know who it is

or what Gwendolyn wants,

and I won't care.

So, why are we waiting?

We're not, we're outta here.

Stan, what?

Okay, good.

I hate her for not calling me.

And I wouldn't have
talked to her anyway.

Wait a minute, Charles.

I smell doom.

No problem, Buddy,
we're outta here.

I've got my jacket on.

What do you mean
she needs me?

♪ Doom, da-da-doom ♪

No problem, Buddy, look, my
feet are pointing out the door.

Yeah, but Aunt Jackie
always says she needs me.

I mean, what could
be more important

than staying with the girls?

Oh...

Oh my.

♪ Doom, doom, doom-doom-doom,
doom, doom, doom ♪

Yes.

Yes, honey, I understand
what you're telling me.

She needs another woman,
it's something a man

wouldn't understand.

Well, tell Aunt Jackie not
to worry, I'll be there.

Bye.

Charles, I need you to
stay and watch the girls.

Oh, no, Mrs. Pembroke,
I can't, not tonight.

But I have to go to Stan.

I'll go to Stan,
Stan likes me.

Well, we all like you, Charles

because you are always
there in our time of need.

Just like I'm always there in
Aunt Jackie's time of need.

Oh no, Mrs. Pembroke,
not guilt.

You know I don't
handle guilt well.

[sighs]

Okay, you have
a good time tonight.

I have to go out, but
Lila and her friends

are probably safe
without anybody here.

I'm sorry, Mrs. Pembroke,

but I am a little bit mad at
Gwendolyn's species tonight,

and the last thing
I wanna be is stuck

in the middle of eight
little Gwendolettes.

So, you do not have the power
of guilt over me this evening.

I relieve you of
any responsibility.

Just, whatever you do,
don't think of them

alone here with nothing
but wood and glass

separating them
from who knows what.

You have a wonderful evening.

Yeah, you see that, Buddy?

That didn't work at all.

What do I have to do,
feed them, water them?

No, just be here, Charles,

and keep them out of trouble.

I will be back in
less than one hour.

Let me just tell them to behave.

Sure, like Custer
told the Indians.

Girls!

I don't think that's what
Custer called the Indians.

Maybe he did.

It was his last stand.

Girls, I have no choice,

but I will be back
as soon as I can.

And Charles is going
to be your chaperone,

so I want you all
on your best behavior.

Okay.

This is their night, so
they're supposed to have fun.

Let them have
the run of the house

and do whatever they want,

as long as they don't
lower the property value.

-And Charles?
-Yes, Mrs. Pembroke?

Thank you, Charles.

Well, there goes
your womanless evening.

Yeah, well, yours too, Buddy.

Unless you're planning to
leave your best friend flat.

Boy, that guilt's a k*ller.

Oh, what the heck, Buddy,
it's for less than an hour.

And besides, these
aren't even women.

They're cute, little

Who are going to be
on their best behavior

this evening.

Charles is going
to be our chaperone.

♪

So there I was on
the first day of school

and the teacher says we have
to sit in alphabetical order.

Well, alphabetical order
means I have to sit next to

Harold Lemsky.

-Harold Lemsky!
-Harold Lemsky!

-Ew!
-Ew!

Less than an hour, Buddy.

Mrs. Pembroke said
she'd be back

in less than an hour.

That was Tuesday!

Tuesday, Tuesday in gym class
we have to play volleyball

with the boys

and see them in
their gym shorts.

Uck, boys in gym shorts,
like Harold Lemsky!

-Harold Lemsky!
-Harold Lemsky!

-Ew!
-Ew!

We're not gonna
make it, Charles.

We're gonna die
in this jungle.

Two lives snuffed out by
some bizarre pajama ritual.

Buddy, we're not gonna die.

Here I come!

We're gonna die!

So, who we talkin' about?

Harold Lemsky!

Harold Lemsky?

He's cute.

-Ew!
-Ew!

We're outnumbered here, Charles.

Kitchen.

Maybe it's quiet in there.

Maybe we'll get some
orange juice and lay low

until Mrs. Pembroke gets back.

Hey!

Hey, hey!

Hi, Charles.

We're making an orange
surprise cake.

What's the surprise?

Harold Lemsky.

-Ew!
-Ew!

My room, come on, we'll
lock ourselves in my room.

So, I know who likes you.

I told you I might like him!

Uck, I'm gonna die.

Ow!

I know who might like you.

Don't tell him I like him!

Stacy!

Ah!

It's not Stacy!

Are you sure we're gonna
make it to your room alive?

We've got to, Buddy.

Out here in the open
we're sitting ducks.

Here I come again!

It's Thackery, hit it!

All clear, Charles?

Let's go.

♪ I wear my sunglasses

at night ♪

Phew, safe.

Uh, Charles?

What?

We're not alone.

Enid?

Yes?

This is my room.

This is not Montana.

Don't upset her, Charles.

This is not Double
Charles Ranch, Enid.

I wouldn't upset her
if I were you.

I'm not going to upset her,

but I just want her
to collect her horses.

[imitates horse nickering]

I told you not
to upset her.

I don't care, Buddy,
this is my room.

This is not Big Sky Country.

[imitates horse nickering]

On the other hand...

We are not going to let you...

♪ Girls just wanna have fun ♪

We are not going
to let you girls

make us stay in my room

like we're a couple
of Harold Lemskys!

What's the matter, Charles?

The matter is I don't know
why you girls order salad,

why you bake us into cakes,

and why you turn my
bedroom into the Ponderosa!

He's rambling.

He's crazy.

Sounds to me
like he's got--

Girl trouble!

We've decided you've got
girl trouble, Charles.

No, Lila, I don't
have girl trouble,

I have woman trouble.

Girl trouble is you girls
running around here

talking about crazy things.

Woman trouble is
Gwendolyn not talking to me

because she's crazy.

We don't talk
about crazy things.

We just say what we feel.

Why?

Because we're too young
to hide our feelings yet.

Like you do, Charles.

What do you think, Buddy?

I think it's immature.

It's immature.

No, Charles, you're immature.

You're so immature
that you let salad

get in the way
of what's important.

When the only thing
that's important

is how you and Gwendolyn
feel about each other.

[applause]

Whoa, whoa, what are
you talking about?

You couldn't even tell
that guy on the phone

that you liked him.

Because we're starting
to hide our feelings.

How come?

'Cause we're starting
to talk to boys.

Maybe if you didn't
hide your feelings,

you wouldn't have woman trouble.

Charles,

are these 14-year-olds
suggesting that we be...

honest with women?

I think that's what
they're suggesting.

It just doesn't seem natural.

Buddy, it's worth a shot.

[doorbell rings]

-Gwendolyn.
-I'm only here

because I thought Lila
could probably use

an extra sleeping bag.

No, Gwendolyn, look,
let's be honest.

You came by because
you wanted to see me

because you love me.

Charles, please,
you're talking

like a 12-year-old.

Fourteen, but that's good.

Gwendolyn, you love me.

Don't you realize that?

And you can't let
anything get in the way

of your telling me.

Why don't you tell me?

Huh?

Don't you think maybe I'd
like to hear you tell me?

Tell her, Charles!

[clears throat]

I can't grow up that fast.

Well, when you do,
why don't you call me?

Okay, I screwed up.

But that could have
gone either way.

I think we should
talk to these girls.

I think it's time
to play Truth.

What's Truth?

Truth is where we get to
ask each other a question

and we have to tell the truth.

It's a game.

Oh, you mean we just
ask each other questions?

Any question we want.

And all you have to do
is tell the truth.

It's not as easy
as it sounds, Charles.

Well, why,
I'm up to it.

Then you wanna play?

Yeah, sure.

We got him!

What--what is going on now?

We're gonna find out
some truth, Buddy.

Let's go up to
Lila's room and play.

Why don't we play right here?

Out in the open,

where parents can
come in any minute?

Truth is something
that you have to play

in the privacy
of your own bedroom.

[all chanting "Truth"]

Okay, Charles,

Buddy, Truth.

How do you get
a boy to like you?

When you're not ready.

When you are ready.

When you're tall.

When you're short.

When you're awkward.

When you're shy.

When you can't say
it for yourself.

When you're afraid.

You're afraid?

We're all afraid, Charles.

Yeah, but you don't
seem so afraid

when you're all together.

But that's the point.

We've always been together.

We all grew up together.

But pretty soon the
boys'll be liking us alone.

And wanting us to grow
up together with them.

That's scary.

Yeah.

For the boys too.

Really?

Yeah, take it from me.

Well, what should we do?

How do you get
someone to like you?

Buddy?

That's what I was
gonna ask them.

The truth?

Uh-huh.

Be yourself.

So if a person likes you,
a person can recognize you.

Because when you start
to hide your feelings,

you have to listen
very closely to each other.

Because when you're grown up,

it's not so easy
to say what you feel.

And it takes a
person who likes you

to recognize that.

And don't rush into anything.

I'm waiting for Mr. Right.

I'm waiting for
Mr. Wonderful.

I'm waiting for Mr. Ed.

Look, if you don't mind,
Charles, I'm gonna go, okay?

Yeah.

I'll be back in a minute.

And you owe me a truth.

You going bowling?

Oh, no, I'm not
in the mood anymore.

I was thinking I'd go over
to the student union.

Oh yeah, and why?

Something special over there?

Yeah, Alice Miller.

I was thinking I'd try
telling a woman the truth.

-Good for you, Buddy.
-And if that doesn't work,

I'm gonna tell her
I'm gettin' a new car.

Hey, uh...

say goodbye to the
girls for me, would ya?

Hi.

Hi.

Charles, it's Gwendolyn.

Yeah, I recognize her.

You got here just
in time, Gwendolyn.

-I did?
-Yeah.

-How come?
-Because I'm gonna ask you

a question and you're
gonna tell me the truth.

Okay.

And I'm gonna listen
very closely because...

a lot of times it's not
easy to say what you feel.

What's the question?

We care about
each other, don't we?

I mean...we wanna
understand each other?

I, um, brought
some ice cream.

There's some salad
in the refrigerator.

♪

♪ Charles in charge
of our days

and our nights ♪

♪ Charles in charge
of our wrongs

and our rights ♪

♪ And I say I want

Charles in charge of me ♪

♪ Charles in charge

of our days and our nights ♪

♪ And I say I want
Charles in charge of me ♪

♪