[♪♪♪♪♪]
Oh, jeez.
You see this is why I like to stick
to The Enquirer, you know.
'Cause the on the level paper
ain't got anything exciting in it no more.
Look at this, Dear Abby is even on a rerun.
Yeah, things have been pretty dull around here
since, uh, Al Haig got booted out, huh?
Harry, I keep telling you, Haig didn't get booted out.
God!
Don't you see he resigned quietly,
part of a master strategy
to retreat first and advance on the presidency in 1984.
-Come on. -[MOCKS] Come on.
I can't tell you nothing.
Well, remember where you heard that when the two of us
are standing there watching the man get coronated.
♪ Got a date with an angel Gonna see her at 7:00 ♪
Oh!
♪ Got a date with an angel ♪
♪ And I'm on my way to heaven ♪
Uh, uh, Barney, please spare us your melodies, eh?
Ha! I can't help it, Arch.
Oh, here's that terlet saver I promised you.
And he hands it to me over the bar. Uh.
Let's have a short one, huh, Harry.
[SIGHS]
You know something, Barney, seeing you lately
you know, laughing, singing, whistling.
That taught me something about you.
BARNEY: Oh, yeah?
-Thanks. -Yeah, when you're happy,
-you're very annoying. -[LAUGHS]
Do I sense a note of jealousy here?
What are you talking about?
I'm talking about the fact that one of us
has a dynamite lifestyle, filled with attractive women.
While the other one can't even hold on to, uh,
well, you know.
Katherine, Katherine.
Go ahead, you can mention her name any time you wanna.
You said it, I didn't.
Listen, Katherine and me,
we just split up because we couldn't do it.
Uh, I-- I mean, we-- we-- we wasn't, uh,
prepared, uh, ready.
Don't get me into these conversations.
And don't mention her name no more! Nobody!
You know something, I used to be confused like you.
Then I did something that changed my whole life.
What'd you do, buy one of them
life size, blow-up rubber dacron dolls?
Shame on you. I'm a swinger, not a pervert.
I joined the Astoria Singles Club.
That club is for preverts.
You're wrong.
Because within the last two weeks,
I have dated five very attractive women,
and that doesn't include Madeline tonight.
-You oughta join. -I ain't interested, Barney.
Okay, fine. That's okay, I'm just trying to help.
-You wanna help me? -Yeah.
Pay your tab!
I'd like to, Arch, but my recent social activities
have left me financially embarrassed,
at least for the moment.
Well, I gotta run.
Put that on my tab.
♪ I'm sitting On top of the world ♪
♪ Just singin' my song Just rollin' along ♪
[DOOR CLOSING]
He's been living alone too long.
-I'm ready. -BILLIE: Oh, okay,
listen to this.
"As I turned, without warning, Andre crushed me to his chest.
I felt his fiery lips against mine,
burning out the memories of Reginald.
My fingers gently traced the tiny portion
of the dueling scar that curved from beneath his
eye patch.
'Take me,' I murmured. 'Take me now.'
Where does she want to go?
Next chapter.
Anyway,
no one knows more about romance than Arabella Witherspoon,
and it says she learned it all after she was too old to drive
and had to hire a chauffeur.
Oh, the two of youse are still here, huh?
I thought youse was going out.
We are. We're going to see TRON.
Tron? Is that anybody I know? [SIGHS]
It's a movie about this guy who gets trapped
in a video game,
and there's computer images and lasers
and lots of neat special effects.
-Oh, jeez... -You wanna go?
No. I hate all special effects.
I'd rather see a spider, crawling up the drapes.
Come on, Archie. You don't want to spend
the whole night alone by yourself.
I don't mind, I got the TV here. There's a ball game on.
You know, uh, I don't need people to entertain me.
-Suit yourself. -Well...
-Good night. -Bye.
-Yeah. Well... -Come on, Steph.
...hey, hey, why don't the two of youse be back
by eleven o'clock, now.
And remember,
New York is the most dangerous city, west of Newark.
Yeah.
[GRUNTS]
MAN ON TV: Remember to ask your druggist for them by name.
Silver b*llet Suppositories.
MAN ON TV: Tonight's Met-Cardinal game,
scheduled for this time, has been postponed...
-Why? -MAN ON TV: ...due to rain.
[GROANS]
MAN ON TV: In its place, we proudly present
the feature film Gidget Goes Hawaiian.
Oh, God, Gidget again.
I proudly await the feature film Gidget Dies.
Let's see what they got on here tonight.
Hmm.
"Wild Kingdom.
Marlin and...
Jim attempt to tag the ferocious,
American grizzly bear. Last show of series."
I ain't surprised.
"Leave It to Beaver. Beaver and Whitey play hooky,
but are reported by Eddie Gaskell."
God, what a thrill...
[DOORBELL RINGING]
Yeah, all right. I'm coming to the door.
[SIGHS]
I'm openin' the door for you.
-BARNEY: Hiya, Arch. -Hiya, Barney...
-[BARNEY CHUCKLES] -...old pal. Come on in.
-Thanks. -I was just thinking
about calling you up.
-[CHUCKLES] No kiddin'? -Yeah.
Well, well, well, look at the jacket.
-Yeah. -Did the horse holler
"Stop thief!" when you robbed that off of him?
That ain't funny, Arch. I call this the Hefner look,
-understated elegance. -Mm.
Well, anyway, I was just thinking
that we ain't bowled in a long time.
Why don't we go roll a few lines?
Oh, gee, I can't.
You know. I'm all dressed up here for Madeline tonight.
You mean to tell me you'd rather spend the evening
with some woman you hardly even know,
instead of your oldest and dearest friend?
Wait. To who you owe hundreds of dollars to?
In a word, yes.
After all, I promised the woman. And you know the old saying.
Sure, I know it. A dope's word is his bond.
What'd you come over here for, to t*rture me?
I came over for shaving lotion.
You know that aftershave I gave you for Christmas.
-Can I borrow a little? -I poured it down the sink.
Barney, it made me smell like a mackerel,
all the cats was following me home.
A simple "No" would suffice.
Yeah, well, a simple "Scram" would suffice for you.
Don't hang around here.
I don't want to waste my time with you there.
I could just-- just stay here alone and, uh,
curled up improving my mind
with one of those hysterical novels.
-Well, don't be mad, Arch-- -I wanna be mad.
-Look, we can bowl tomorrow. -Forget it, forget it,
forget tomorrow. Go on, get on your way.
I don't care if I see you tomorrow.
In fact, I don't care when I see you, goodbye forever.
[SIGHS]
Pick up, table nine.
Uh, you can keep your high class polishers there,
you know.
The old-fashioned spit, that's what does the job.
You ever see more beautiful shine than that Mr. Van R.?
Not lately.
-BARNEY: Hey, fellas! -Hey, pal!
Hey, Mr. Van R., you're looking good,
-take my word for it. -Yeah, you too.
[CHUCKLES] Hiya, Harry, I'll have a tall cool one.
-Comin' up. -Whaddaya say, Arch?
You're not still mad about last night, are you?
Uh, forget about last night.
We're going bowling tonight, huh?
Oh, gee, I can't.
Tonight is mixer night at the Astoria Singles Club.
What are you gonna do, stand me up again?
Arch, you like dancing, come with me.
No! I wanna go bowling.
But Arch, tonight is Ladies' League.
You know how all those female voices
always throw your ball off.
-Oh, is tonight Ladies' League? -Yeah.
-Oh! -Well it looks like
the mixer's the only game in town.
Oh, go mix a drink, will ya?
Can I get a word in here?
Yes. Certainly, Mr. Van R. Any time.
I understand your reluctance, Arch.
These singles clubs don't seem to be
the ideal way to meet the opposite sex.
Hey, hey, you don't have to tell me. Tell them.
On the other hand, some people seem to enjoy them very much.
You won't know unless you give it a try.
I wanna bowl.
You've got a good friend to go with.
Certainly makes more sense than sitting around
an empty house alone, watching Wild Kingdom.
Mr. Van R.'s absolutely right. Now just go on and go.
Will you stay outta this, please?
You made a few good points too, Mr. Van R.,
you know, but let me ask you this,
how many of these mixers have you been to?
Me? Why... none.
Ah, see! So all them things you're saying for me,
they're just as good for you.
I mean to say, you're gonna be home tonight alone,
watching the Blind Kingdom, eh?
I-- I guess so.
I rest my case.
-Barney? -Yes, Mr. Van R.
Can you bring more than one guest?
Oh, sure.
Arch, get your glad rags on
and get ready to dance the Peabody.
What?
You and I are going
to the Astoria Singles Club tonight.
-Now, where-- -[WOMAN GASPS] Oh!
Mr. Van R., I-- I ain't there, I'm over here.
-Oh... -[CHUCKLES]
Go ahead, Archie, try it.
-Don't fight it. -No, no, no,
-no, no... -Come on, Arch, you'll have fun.
No! And that's final!
Arch, go with me.
Aw, jeez. [SIGHS]
-All right, Mr. Van R. -After all, how bad can it be?
It can be very bad...
but I think I gotta go with you,
if only to point you the way to the gents' toilet.
Right! It might just be fun.
I hate fun!
[LIGHT JAZZ MUSIC PLAYING]
[INDISTINCT CHATTER]
[SIGHS] Hubba-hubba. Hey, the joint is jumpin'!
He means the t*rture is about to begin, Mr. Van R.
Lucy, when I asked you out you said you were leaving town.
Oh, I was Barney, but I need an operation.
Oh, well, I'll see you after, then.
I don't think I'm going to pull through.
Bye.
Isn't that tragic?
Well, Barney, everybody's got to go sometime.
Hey, Jennie,
when you gave me your phone number,
you made a mistake.
I called it. It was a proctologist's office.
[CHUCKLES] I know.
You didn't get that, huh, Barney? I did.
Here's a table over here, Mr. Van R.
Here, feel the chair, it's right in front of you.
-Oh, thanks, thanks. -Atta boy, sit right down.
-Here, uh-- -Barney, this-- this is nice.
-[ARCHIE SIGHS] -The band sounds great!
Thanks, Mr. Van R.
I'm glad that somebody appreciates
a classy club like this.
The classy club like this?
Barney, I just hate chasing women.
You know, it makes me feel like a dope.
-But you like that, huh? -Oh, yeah.
See, he likes being a dope.
You guys just sit here, I'm gonna scout around.
Hey, don't be running off and leaving us on our own.
It's okay, we can handle it ourselves.
Oh, I know that. Don't you worry Mr. Van R.,
I'm gonna check everybody out, we ain't gonna get stuck with--
with nobody we don't like.
Uh, thanks, but, uh, that's not gonna be necessary.
Says you.
You can't see what's coming in here at 12 o'clock high.
Good evening.
I just wondered if this attractive gentleman
-would care to dance. -Uh, excuse me, lady,
but you can't do nothing with him.
He's a blind man.
Oh, go on, let her try. [CHUCKLES]
Well, I certainly wouldn't ask you,
you look sluggish.
Oh, yeah?
Well let me tell you something, I could dance rings around you,
though it might take me a while.
-[CLEARS THROAT] -Joanie, come on, let's dance.
JOANIE: Oh, thank you.
Arch, I don't want you to spend the evening playing nursemaid.
You're here to have fun.
That was fun.
But it's important for me to try this on my own.
I'm going to find the refreshment table.
Oh, now, be careful now.
Oh, oh, going on your own over there. Be careful.
I say, hey everybody on the dance floor!
Look out, blind man coming through.
Where's Mr. Van R. going?
Uh, he's headed for the refreshment table.
[DISHES BREAKING]
-I do believe he found it. -[CHUCKLES]
Hey, Arch, our merriment is about to begin.
There's Eloise, and she's got a friend with her,
-an attractive friend. -Oh, don't start, huh, Barney?
Eloise, over here!
-Here they come. Not bad, huh? -Oh...
Hi, Barney.
[IN FRENCH ACCENT] Sacrebleu, if it isn't my little Eloise.
[BOTH LAUGHING]
-Barney, you're such a card. -BARNEY: Yeah.
This is my sister Madge from Atlantic City.
Oh, a show girl, huh?
-[LAUGHS] -Barney's quite a kidder.
[CHUCKLES] Yeah.
Don't stand there like a klutz. Gimme a knock down.
Oh, yeah, sorry, uh, this is Archie Bunker,
-my good friend. -Madge, Eloise.
-Eloise. -ELOISE: Hi.
-Madge. -MADGE: Hi.
-You're from Atlantic City, huh? -MADGE: Yeah.
Uh, you know, my late wife and me,
we spent our honeymoon in Atlantic City.
Oh, on the boardwalk?
Uh, no, it was what you would call,
removed, uh, from the ocean, there.
You know, so you wouldn't be disturbed by the sound
of the waves.
In fact, you couldn't even see the ocean.
In fact, uh, we might just as well have went to Trenton.
Hey, oh, well, listen, uh, why don't we take the girls
for a little spin around the floor, huh?
Yeah, all right. Madge, you willing?
-Sure. -All right. Well...
Gee, I love the Glenn Miller sound.
Yeah, me too. Always, Yeah, I always love Glenn Miller.
Him and The Dorsey Brothers.
Yeah. They don't write songs like these anymore.
Nah.
Say... [CHUCKLES] ...you're a very good dancer.
-Mm. -So light on your feet.
Yeah, see if you can follow me on this one, here.
I learned that step back in, I think, around 1940.
Uh, well, you know, uh,
I had kinda the wrong idea
about this place, you know, I thought we'd--
we'd come here, you know, and have to mix it up
with a bunch of them blue-haired ol' blisters,
you know, but this is nice, huh?
[SIGHS]
Uh, did I say something, Madge?
Oh, no.
It's just that my dead husband Henry danced like you.
Even the dip.
-Oh, yeah? -Yeah,
and he had a gray suit like this one.
It was the last thing I ever saw him in.
Oh, well, you-- you mean, uh, you planted him in it?
[EXHALES] Henry was a very interesting man.
Yeah, we-- we-- we always say that about the dead.
He was a chief postal clerk.
He knew all the zip codes in the country by heart.
-Oh... -I'll never forget when we met,
I was standing in line...
he told me that my packages were improperly wrapped.
Yeah, well, you see every guy's got a different approach.
Uh...
You're a lot like him.
Barney?
He was so dashing in his postal uniform.
Uh, Barney?
Hey, hey, hey, Mr. Van R., where the hell is Barney?
I don't see him.
[INDISTINCT CHATTER]
How'd you do?
Well, you seen me, didn't ya?
With the dame whose husband died out
with the eight-cent stamp.
Come on, find Mr. Van R. and let's go home.
Not yet. The night is young, there are still women to meet,
and I love the thrill of the chase.
Barney, Barney, come here, come here, Barney!
Barney, you're pitiful, Barney! You're pitiful.
What?
Oh, excuse me, but are-- are you a member?
No, I ain't a member. I come with the--
the guy over there dancing with the neon coat.
Oh, you look so familiar to me. Just like one of the regulars.
Well, I ain't one of the regulars here, uh,
maybe you seen me, uh,
in my bar and grill, Archie Bunker's Place,
over there, on Northern Boulevard.
Archie Bunker. Didn't you live in Long Island City?
Yeah, I practically grew up in Long Island City.
Yeah. Me too. My maiden name was Sturdivant.
-Sturdivant? -Yeah.
Aw, jeez, there was a whole family of Sturdivants
lived over there on Greenpoint Avenue.
I used to run around with one of the boys, Scooter.
Donald. He's my brother.
Donald, Scooter was your brother?
-Mm-hmm. -Oh, you don't say.
I see. Uh, who used you to be?
Oh, I'm still Ann.
Ann, that's right. Well, gee, what do you know.
But, you know, you don't look a bit like Scooter.
He had a long beak on him, like an anteater.
-Guess what? -What?
I had a crush on you.
Oh, jeez, you don't say. Yeah?
Oh, yeah.
I was always, kind of, hoping you'd ask me out
during high school, but, you know,
you never came around Bishop Loughlin.
Oh, no, no, jeez, I was always loyal to Bryant, you know.
Us, Bryant boys, we used to walk down
one side of the street, the Bishop Loughlin boys
down the other side, you know.
Then we would holler over to them,
"Cat-lickers, cat-lickers."
And they'd holler back to us,
"Pup-lickers, pup-lickers," you know.
And then we'd all get together in the middle of the street
and we'd beat the hell out of each other.
Sounds like a great time.
Oh, listen, those were the days.
Well, uh,
listen, uh, Ann...
I wanna ask you a personal question.
Well, sure.
Uh, what is a-- a woman like you doing in a joint like this?
What do you mean?
Well, I mean, uh,
you wanna come here and be one of these scrounging ladies?
-Oh, so that's what we are! -ARCHIE: Mm-hmm.
Well, what about you, you beer-belly Romeos
with the-- with the gold chains and the-- the orthopedic shoes.
"Hi, I'm a Taurus, let's jump in the sack."
Oh, God, don't look at me.
I'd never say a thing like that,
no matter how I'd be thinking it.
But any-- anyway, if that's what you think
of the men in here then how come you come in here?
I get tired of sitting home alone.
And how many times can you watch
Gidget Goes Hawaiian?
Don't you ever get lonely, Archie?
Nah, nah, well, well, I mean, you know, every so often.
All we want here is just a little conversation,
and a few laughs,
if we're really lucky, some honest affection.
So don't judge us so harshly.
No, no, I-- I-- I don't want to judge nobody.
Hey, I mean, if something I said here got
a little bit misconscrewed, I-- I didn't mean nothing.
I know. And I'm sorry, I got so worked up.
Well, uh, I better be going.
Well, wait a minute. wait a minute, uh,
it's a jungle out there, you know.
I'll tell you what, I get somebody to take
my blind friend home, and then I'll take you home.
Well, thanks, but, uh, I'm afraid you're too late.
Ah, tell the guy to forget it, huh?
Arch?
I'm over here, I'm over here, Mr. Van R.
-VAN R.: Oh! -Edgar.
VAN R.: Oh, Ann!
Edgar?
-This is the guy. -Oh, holy cow.
I was just coming to look for you, Edgar.
I'd better be getting home.
Oh, fine, fine. Arch, thank Barney for me, huh.
I'm going to see Ann home.
Mr. Van R., are you sure you ought to attempt this here?
I-- I-- I know what you're thinking.
Sure, I've had a lot of that punch,
but, uh... [CHUCKLES] ...I'm not driving.
Uh, all right, Mr. Van R., yeah, sure.
I'll get my coat.
-Okay. -Good night, Archie.
Yeah, yeah, good night, there. Good night, Ann.
Arch, uh...
how'd I do?
Oh, Mr. Van R., you done real good.
I mean, you oughta see her.
Good night, Arch.
Good night, Mr. Van R.
And, uh, oh, uh, watch that big step out there.
Wow, what an evening!
Are you enjoying yourself yet?
Well, for a minute I thought I was going to have
a little fun, but then, uh, Mr. Van R. took care of that.
You're gonna get another chance.
Eloise and Madge want us to take them home.
Hi, fellas, we're ready.
-Uh, for what? -Who knows?
But first, may I suggest that we all go over
to Guiseppe's Grotto for a nightcap?
Wait-- wait a minute, Barney,
Guiseppe's Grotto is way the hell over in Brooklyn!
Borough Hall. Zip code 11218.
Henry loved it!
So will you.
[TEASES]
Hi, cutie.
Aw, gee. Hi.
Hey, I was sluggish before, how come I'm cutie now?
It's getting late.
Barney! Wait for me, huh?
[♪♪♪♪♪]
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