01x03 - McCarthy

[bunniefuu]

The year is 1773,

and the original 13 colonies
are in a state of unrest.

Patrick Henry makes
an impassioned speech in Virginia.

"No taxation without representation."

And in an act of protest
against the British monarchy,

a group of colonists
disguised as Native Americans

dumped 342 chests of tea
into Boston Harbor.

And ever since, it's been called
"The Boston Tea Party."

I gotta tell you, these Puritans
are really getting on my nerves.

Yeah.

The other day,
I'm holding hands with my wife,

this guy yells out,
"Hey, nobody wants to see that."

- He's kind of right.
- Yeah, you know what? I think he is.

- Mayflower people, right?
- What's going on here?

Yeah, take that! Yeah!

They're protesting the Tea Act.

Throwing the tea in the water,
it's like a tea party.

A tea party? Ha! No kidding.

- Mm-hmm. Yeah.
- That sounds like fun.

- Let's do this!
- Is that Michael Finney?

- Indeed it is.
- What a party!

Kind of odd. I was with him the other day.

He didn't mention anything
about a... tea party.

Everyone was talking about it
the other night at Zachariah's.

You were at Zachariah's?

- Y... Yeah.
- Why wasn't I invited?

I didn't know about Zachariah's.
I'm missing a tea party?

I... I don't know what to tell you.

- You knew about this?
- Kind of, yeah.

"Kind of"?

Do me a favor, hold this. Hey!

- Let's go, boys!
- Finney!

Hey, Finney!

What's going on here?

Hey, Larry!

- Nothing going on here.
- Nothing?

How's Boston's favorite barrel maker?

- What are you doing?
- Before you say anything, Larry,

it's an impromptu,
principled, symbolic protest.

- You having a tea party?
- It's not a party, Larry.

I gotta tell you, Finney,
it looks like a party to me.

Look, the taxes
are way too high on the tea.

We decided to send
a message to the British.

This came together
at the very last minute, Larry.

Well, you discussed it
at Zachariah's last night.

I don't know how you heard that,

but it did start as a germ
of an idea at Zachariah's.

I saw you a couple of days ago.

You didn't mention anything
to me about a party,

or Zachariah's, or anything.

Am I supposed
to tell you everywhere I go?

I was at the cobbler's this morning.
You wanna come with me to the cobbler's?

There's a little bit
of some subterfuge going on here.

Finney, let's do it.
Are we having a party or not?

- Well, it's not a party.
- I see Samuel Cooper's here.

Oh, hey, La... I...
I heard you were out of town, so...

- Is that Joseph Warren?
- Hey, Larry.

I sold you a barrel yesterday.
You didn't mention anything.

It... It didn't come up.

You invite those guys and not me?

I will invite you
to the next one, I swear.

You know there's not gonna be a next one
as well as I do, so stop it.

I didn't know you were down for the cause.

- Why are you saying that?
- No offense, Larry.

You walk around wearing a red coat

that is the exact same shade
as the British soldiers.

Please. That was a gift from my wife.
It's a beautiful coat. It's velvet.

Have you ever felt that material?

It's not a great look
when we're fighting the redcoats.

I'm not a redcoat. It's a red coat.

Are we never supposed to wear red again?

Is that it? Is red over?
Is red out of the question now?

I think matching with our oppressors

- is maybe not...
- So, we've canceled red?

Maybe a red coat in a certain cut
is not the move right now.

Finney, honestly,
I would've been a great addition to this.

I didn't even know you liked tea.

I don't like tea, I'm a coffee drinker.

All the more reason
to have me in this party.

You have a bunch
of tea lovers tossing tea.

They're not even into it.
I would be into tossing tea,

'cause that's how much I dislike it.

The next time we have a tea-tossing party,
I know you're a champion tea tosser.

And you're in costumes, too.

That's the most
disappointing aspect of this.

- You know that?
- The costumes?

Yeah. 'Cause, oh, my God,
all the more reason to have invited me.

Why more reason?

Because I love putting on costumes
and being in disguise.

You can act like a prick
and nobody knows it's you.

Yes, I've been to parties with you.
I've seen you act like a prick.

- In a costume?
- Yes.

- Yeah.
- Yep.

I just really don't get
why I wasn't invited.

And don't tell me
it's 'cause of the red jacket.

I didn't invite you
to the tea party, Larry,

'cause you're a drag
at every f*cking party.

You can't be serious.

I always see you in the corner
buttonholing someone

- about some dumb sh*t.
- Buttonholing?

- I'm the life of the party.
- At Sam Adams's the other day,

I saw you just going
on and on about shoes.

We have one set of shoes.
One shoe fits on every foot.

You were saying, "I think we should have
left shoes and right shoes."

- What are you talking about?
- What am I talking about?

- Have you ever looked at a foot?
- The other thing at parties is,

you're always going on and on
about Indian women.

Oh, am I attracted to Iroquois women?

Yes, I am. So what? Is that a crime?

Have I ever made out with an Iroquois?

Yes, I have. And you know what?

I found it to be
a totally wonderful experience.

- Congratulations, Larry.
- You know? And by the way,

if you've ever made out
with an Iroquois woman...

I've made out
with Iroquois women, Larry.

- That's not the issue.
- You made out with an Iroquois woman?

- Yeah, of course.
- That's bullshit.

- Yeah, I've got a girlfriend.
- You have?

- I've got an Iroquois girlfriend.
- Yeah, where?

- In Canada. You wouldn't know her.
- What bullshit!

You don't have
an Iroquois woman in Canada.

Yeah, well, I don't stand around
at trading posts staring at them.

You just stare and you linger.

Do your business.
Sell your barrels. Get the f*ck out.

Is that why you wanna be on this ship?

- No.
- Don't let the headdresses fool you...

- No, I know.
- There are no women on this boat.

- I didn't suggest that there was.
- And that's why

you're not invited
to the f*cking party, Larry.

Okay, come on.
Let me come up the gangplank.

No, no. You can't be
on the gangplank, Larry.

- The gangplank's for the g*ng.
- Why can't I be in the g*ng?

Hey, Larry, if you're not in the g*ng,
you really shouldn't be on the plank.

I gave you a free barrel
last year, you c*cksucker!

Guys, tea party's over.

- What?
- Yeah, Larry kind of f*cked it.

But there's so much tea left to throw.

- Larry k*lled it.
- Come on.

- k*lled the vibe.
- Great job, Larry.

- I did not.
- Thanks a lot, Larry.

Look at you idiots, dressed as Indians
with your stupid feathers.

You look like morons.

Like I really buy you as Indians.

So disappointed in all of you.

- I'll meet you at the tavern later, okay?
- Goodbye, Thompson.

Drop dead, Slaughter.

- The barrel had a leak.
- That's bullshit.

Oh, yeah, you're an Indian, Gilliam.

Thanks a lot, Larry.

I'll be at the cobbler's tomorrow.
Do you wanna be invited to the cobbler's?

- Do I need to tell you in advance?
- What morons!

I'm going up, and I'm gonna throw some.

Knock yourself out, Larry.

- Okay, I'm gonna go toss right now.
- Yeah, you're a real f*cking champ at it.

You'll see what real tossing looks like.

I didn't even wanna be
in your stupid g*ng.

Guess what? I'm gonna form my own g*ng!

We're not gonna dress up as Indians.

You're gonna be so jealous.
But you know what?

This is what it's gonna look like.

Look at me!

Hey! You there!

- No. No, it's not my tea.
- What are you doing?

You're right, it's not your tea.
It's His Majesty's tea.

No, no, no! It's Finney's tea.

- He had a tea party up here.
- Sir, I don't know this man.

I just know he's been screaming
about g*ng activity,

and how much he hates tea.

No, no! You got the wrong guy. He's lying!

It's Michael Finney's party!
He didn't even invite me.

- He's the one you should be arresting.
- Come on.

Finney! You... You know what?
I have a red coat.

A red coat just like you!

For as long as sl*very
existed in the United States,

there were sl*ves
trying to escape to freedom.

Many of them used
the Underground Railroad.

This railroad was a network
of people, routes, and places

offering shelter and aid
to escaped enslaved people from the South.

The journey north to freedom
was dangerous, harrowing,

and often life-threatening.

But what no one considers
are the hardships endured by the host.

It's hard enough
to live with your own family,

much less a stranger.

Come in, please.

I made it. Yeah, nobody followed me.

- Welcome to my home.
- Hey.

I hope you'll feel safe and secure here.

- Hey, I'm Jonesey.
- I'm Lawrence.

- I'm almost free.
- Yeah.

I'm on the run, but hey,
it feels good to be heading North.

Tomorrow, you should be able

- to cross the border.
- Looking forward to it.

- How was your journey?
- Very rough. I've been running.

- Dogs behind me, got horses behind me.
- Oh, God.

I was underwater in the swamp
for 15 minutes.

- Fifteen minutes?
- Breathing through a straw.

I could hear
the muffled sounds of the dogs.

You poor guy.

And I couldn't say
"shut the f*ck up" underwater.

I had to, like, tell myself,
"Don't say, 'Shut the f*ck up, '"

when it's obvious it's
a "shut the f*ck up" moment.

Yeah, I got chased once by a...

- a billy goat.
- Oh, wow.

He had it in for me for some reason.

- Yeah.
- I don't know why.

I had to jump over a fence.

That's not the same
as f*cking running for your f*cking life,

in... underwater trying to f*cking breathe

- with dogs all f*cking barking and sh*t.
- Yeah.

You're trying to sit there
and decide whether you wanna say,

- "Shut the f*ck up, dog" or not.
- Yeah. I was just trying to relate

to your experience in some way.

Obviously, it's not as bad,
but it wasn't pleasant,

I can tell you that.

Yeah, but that's a domesticated animal.

Would he have carried you back
and put you back in chains and sh*t?

Would he say, "Get back to work,"
and threw your a*s in the field?

- All right, I take your point.
- You should give me a f*cking point.

- Yeah, I take your point.
- No, I took the point.

No, you didn't take the point,
I took the point.

No, I took the point
and I put that sh*t away.

I said I took the point first.

You didn't take my point.
You ain't gonna take sh*t from me.

- I'm in possession...
- Okay.

- Of that f*cking point.
- Okay. You took the point.

- Forget the point.
- Okay. You know...

I'm just excited to get up North

and start tapping some of
that Northern a*s right there.

You know, I've lived in the North.

I gotta tell you,
there wasn't much tapping going on.

At least for me there wasn't.

- Of course for you there wasn't.
- Yeah.

Some people are built for this sh*t.

Okay, let's check this place out.

All right, well...

- Let's see this safe house.
- Yeah. Yeah.

- See what's going on here. Okay.
- Yeah.

- This is the living room.
- Okay.

- It's comfortable.
- Yeah.

- I'mma be honest.
- Sure.

Let me tell you,
I feel very mildewy in here.

- What?
- Mildewy smell.

- You gotta disclose that kind of sh*t.
- Oh, really?

There's an existing wetness in this place.

- You feel there's a wetness?
- Mildew wetness.

Jonesey, a lot of people
have been in this house,

nobody ever complained about wetness.

You know what?
White people are naturally wet.

White people are inherently wet?
Is that what you're telling me?

Of course, white people are wet.
You're very naturally damp people.

Jonesey, with all due respect,

you were underwater for 15 minutes,
breathing through a straw.

It's not the house, Jonesey.
It's you. You're damp!

That was three days ago. I'm dry.

I'm dry, and I don't smell mildewy.

You may be dry now,
but that wetness has stayed with you.

I get it. You won't accept your wetness.

No, you're not accepting your wetness.

- I have no wetness to accept.
- Okay, that's your opinion.

I was damp before.
But I came back in, I got re-damped.

Like, I got damp again
when I came in here. I could sense it.

I don't know, it's... it's... it's...

I feel spirits in here too.
Did someone die on that couch?

- No.
- I sense death on that couch.

Well, somebody was very sick on the couch,
and then she died upstairs.

Did they get mildewed in their...

in their process
of going to the afterlife?

No, they didn't get mildewed.

I'm gonna give you some advice.
When someone dies on a couch,

you turn over that f*cking cushion.

Got it. Point taken.

You gave me a point in there already,

so you gonna take the point back
that I already got?

- No, I'm just saying, you made...
- I got a point in there.

- Now you just said "point taken" again.
- I'm just saying,

you made a good point,
and I'm taking the point. Yeah.

- You're not gonna rob me. Okay.
- You know what, Jonesey?

- Let's start fresh.
- Let's just start fresh

- and say we're both a little mildewy.
- Let's start fresh. Yeah.

We're... Okay?

Well, let's just say that

given that you were
in a swamp for 15 minutes...

And being that somebody died
on that couch.

The person didn't die on the couch.
They died upstairs.

They were close to death,
and then they went upstairs,

and the job was finished,
and they f*cking died upstairs.

But they were already pre-dead.

I'll tell you what,
if you're not comfortable,

and you're not cozy,

and you feel
there's bad spirits around, go!

I'll tell you what,
I've been through worse.

The last place I stayed at
had this high-back chair,

and it had a little chair in front of it,
so you could sit in it

and you put your feet on it,
and you sit like this.

Yeah, yeah,
that's an ottoman you're talking about.

f*cking "ottoman."
I got a friend named Ottoman.

I had no idea the relationship
between the sl*ve owner

giving him the name Ottoman
and the f*cking ottoman.

This m*therf*cker had a fixation
with home furnishings.

He would name the sl*ves after furniture.

Yeah. The blacksmith,
he named him Armoire.

Big m*therf*cker named Armoire.

- Armoire?
- Big m*therf*cker.

I kept saying to myself, man, I said,

"This Ethan Allen is one crazy white man."

I wonder what
that fixation with furniture was.

Okay, how about breakfast? How about that?

- Huh?
- Breakfast!

- Breakfast?
- Where does that happen at?

- How about it?
- Yeah, what's the deal with that?

Yeah, there's breakfast. I got breakfast.

Oh, is this the lady who died?
Is this her?

- Yep, that's her.
- Oh, wow. Rest in peace.

- Was you hitting that?
- Nah, she wanted nothing to do with me.

And I'm still a sap enough
to take care of her.

Sometimes you gotta
be appreciative of you taking care of her,

and maybe let you suck on a titty
or something like that once in a while.

It's a gift. "Thank you so much

- for taking care of me."
- Yes. "Thank you so much."

- That's all you have to do.
- And give you one of those. That's right.

Wait, you got pancakes?

- No, just farina.
- I bet it's wet.

Wet-a*s bowl of mush.

- Yeah, pretty much.
- It's crazy.

I'm a connoisseur of these places,

and I've heard some not-so-good feedback
on this place.

I'mma be honest, people come here,
they smell death, they feel wet.

I'm telling you, you got
some bad reviews out there.

These bad ratings? So unfair!

You know,
I carried that woman up the stairs.

I hurt my back, couldn't chop wood.

There was no hot water.
And so I got some bad reviews.

This is just my opinion.
I'll give this place no more than a two.

All right, I'll tell you what.
I'll make some pancakes.

Two eggs, some flour
in that m*therf*cking bowl.

You don't have to tell me.
I know how to make a pancake.

The wrist gotta be like this.

All right, great. You know,
you're so knowledgeable

about making pancakes,
why don't you make them yourself?

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!
I'm not your sl*ve, man.

- Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!
- Whoa!

- Never said you were.
- Whoa! Whoa, you did.

- No. Whoa! No, no.
- Whoa! I got the "whoa."

- No, I got the "whoa."
- Oh, no, no.

- I'm in possession of the "whoa."
- I got the "whoa."

- I got the "whoa." Oh, no!
- I said "whoa" first.

You want me to make pancakes?
That's a "whoa."

Yeah. You're saying
that I think you're a sl*ve?

That's a "whoa."

- That's a "I ain't gonna do sh*t" whoa.
- Whoa. Whoa.

What does that have to do with sl*ve?
I didn't say you were a sl*ve.

That's just doing someone a favor.

You know what sl*very was?

A whole long list of f*cking favors.

- Never thought of it like that, Jonesey.
- Yeah. Give me a point taken.

- How about that?
- No.

- You know why?
- Why?

'Cause you'll just take it back.

- Mm. No.
- You don't like the point taken.

I like a point taken.
I just don't want it taken from me.

I'mma go to bed.

Get me some rest, man.

- Get a good night's sleep there.
- Yeah.

- Jonesey...
- Appreciate you, Lawrence!

Make a right up the stairs,
don't go left.

- That's the dead room.
- Okay.

Hey, this mattress is too soft!

That's too f*cking bad.

- Whoa.
- Oh. Oh, no, no.

- Whoa.
- No, oh, whoa.

- Whoa! I got the "whoa!"
- I got the "whoa!"

- I got the "whoa!"
- Oh, no. I got the "whoa!"

- I've got the "whoa!"
- I got the "whoa!"

- Whoa!
- No!

Look at you.
You're just absolutely beautiful.

Combination of flapjacks,
hot cakes, and pancakes.

- Jonesey cakes. Yeah!
- Oh, my God.

What the f*ck?

Soak yourself in that.

What is going on here?
It's the middle of the night.

And you woke me up
with the smell of bacon.

You can't blame bacon.

It's one of the most
recognizable smells in the world.

You can smell bacon through dog sh*t.

This is an underground railroad.

- Yeah.
- And what do railroads do?

They move.
You gotta get back on the train.

Get back on the train.

That's a great concept. You know what?

I've been thinking about that a lot.

And I decided to stay.

You know, and help other sl*ves
make their way up North.

You know, a month ago
when you got here,

you couldn't wait to go
and start tapping in the North.

You were gonna tap.

What happened to the tapping?
They're there.

- Yeah.
- They're waiting for the tap.

Everybody's going, "Where's Jonesey?"

- "Where's Jonesey?"
- "We're ready for tapping."

I'mma tell you something.

My daddy always told me,
"a*s ain't going nowhere."

"a*s gonna be there when you get there."

Jonesey, I know how sensitive you are
about the word "favor,"

but would it be too much to ask, you know,
to kind of help out a little bit?

You want me to sl*ve it up around here?

No, I just... I just want you to help out.

Are you serious right now?

- Are you serious?
- Are you serious?

I ask you to take your shoes off.

- Is that slavish?
- That's sl*ve sh*t.

Okay, I ask you to pick up some candles.

If it ain't for me, slavish.

What if we're sharing the candles?

If you're involved with it,
that's slavish.

- No, it's not. That's a favor.
- Yeah. No, no, it's not.

- That's a favor.
- You want more favors?

You are not allowed to ask a Black person

for any favors for the next 400 years.

- Is that right?
- That's right.

You know what?
This is smelling awfully good.

f*ck yeah. You better sit your a*s down,
stop all that complaining and sh*t.

Would you pass the pancakes,
or is that slavish?

I'mma hand that to you
'cause they're Jonesey cakes.

- No kidding.
- You should try those Jonesey cakes.

You know what? I think we're making
a lot of progress here.

- I think we're making a lot of progress.
- Look at this.

Uh-oh.

- Any chance you'll get that?
- sl*ve.

- Good evening.
- I wasn't expecting anyone.

- Hello.
- Hey, Mr. White Man.

You must be one of the good ones.

Armoire and Ottoman! What?

- Jonesey!
- Come on now! Come on!

I knew you was here! I knew you was here!

They can't catch me!

This is who I was telling you about!
Armoire and Ottoman right here!

Armoire and Ottoman, yeah, yeah.
Ethan Allen?

- Yeah!
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.

- Where y'all headed at?
- Well, we was planning to spend the night

and then take 18 long miles tomorrow
to get to a house in Joplin.

Yeah, yeah,
you're welcome to spend the night.

- Of course, yeah.
- Thank you.

- f*ck that. You stay as long as you want.
- Huh?

Take a long, long vacation.

- You for real?
- For real.

- This is Jonesey talking to you.
- Thank you, Jonesey. Thank you.

Ottoman, you go on in there
and put your feet on top of yourself.

- You ain't gotta tell me twice.
- Okay? Y'all go eat.

- You hear that, Ottoman?
- Go eat. Go eat, rest them feet.

Yeah. Look at y'all.

Lawrence got about three more
of these robes, man.

I got you. Don't worry about it.

g*dd*mn, Jonesey, it sure is damp in here.

I told you.

Hey, Armoire,
I got a big boulder in front of the barn.

I was wondering if maybe you could help me
move it tomorrow morning?

sl*ve?

Yeah, of course.

On December 17th, 1903,
in Kitty Hawk, North Carolina,

American inventors
Wilbur and Orville Wright

achieved the first controlled
flight of a powered aircraft,

the "Wright Flyer."

The flight lasted 12 seconds,
and covered a distance of 120 feet.

Hey, gotta start somewhere.

And with it, the Wright brothers
ushered in the era of flight.

But there was a third Wright brother
whom the history books have neglected,

and with good reason.

Make sure you get the whole plane in it,
and also one of us.

- Three, two, one.
- And then one, like, silly for...

There we go. And then one more...
one more, like, really serious,

- where we're just, like yeah.
- Hey! Hey!

Like this. Love it.

- Orville! Orville!
- Oh, sh*t. Oh, sh*t.

- sh*t, sh*t. Go, go, go, go.
- Get out of the way. Go, go, go.

- Start it up. Crank it up.
- What's going on? What are you doing?

Hey, we...

- We just were ta... For you.
- We were waiting for you.

- Didn't look that way.
- Yeah, no, no.

- We have to test all of the equipment...
- All the stuff.

Make sure that it works

- and it's all ready to go.
- Yeah, this is all...

- working.
- And then you're the last, uh,

- the last element of the equation.
- Really? Really?

- Yeah.
- Looks like you were ready to take off,

- boys.
- No, not at all!

- Not enough wind!
- Why would we take off without you?

- We wouldn't take off without you.
- No.

- It's the Wright brothers. Come on!
- Yeah!

- Come on in.
- Come on. You can sit right here.

- Sit here?
- Yeah.

- Sit her down.
- In the middle?

- Yeah.
- Right in the middle, buddy.

- What?
- Yeah.

- This is awful.
- Favorite brother.

- No, it's gonna be great.
- This is not comfortable at all.

You know, you can lean back
a little if you want.

I don't want the middle seat.
Let me sit on the end.

- No, no, I gotta work the stuff.
- No, no, no. He's gotta work that.

I've gotta work the engine.

- You just sit right in the middle.
- I can't sit in the middle.

- I get claustrophobic.
- It's the last seat available.

I don't understand
why there is a middle seat.

Why is there one seat that's
so much worse than the others?

You're ruining a great invention.

We will need you to put this
below your seat, though.

- What? Why?
- Yeah, just for safety.

What do you mean "safety"?
I'm sitting on a peach crate.

Any hand luggage needs
to go under the seat.

- That's where that belongs.
- Well, why can't I keep it on my lap?

- It's very, very dangerous.
- No, no, no, no.

We designed it for the bag
to fit under there.

- Okay. You know what?
- Should be under the seat.

- Fine, fine.
- Yeah, not on your lap.

- You know...
- Fine.

- You happy?
- Yeah.

- I am happy.
- Yeah, you happy?

- We're ready to go.
- Oh, I feel so safe.

- Time to go.
- I feel safe.

- Yeah.
- Thank God the carry-on's under the seat.

Well, now you got your hands
in case something goes wrong.

- Something goes wrong, you brace yourself.
- You brace yourself.

- You can do one of these, right?
- One of these. Right?

- Or one of these.
- One of those.

- Then you can do one of these.
- If the plane goes like that,

- you can brace yourself.
- Okay, I get it. I got the point.

- I got the point. Okay? Got the point.
- All right. Now we're ready to take off.

All right!

- Ready to go?
- You know, I just gotta say, okay?

- Yeah.
- I mean, I'm not... I'm not stupid.

I know... I think you were
trying to take off without me.

- And you know, Wilbur...
- Yeah.

I did save your life.

- I think the least you owe me is to...
- Oh, this again.

You know, to at least wait for me.

What are you talking about?
When did you save my life?

You were drowning,
and I gave you an oar, I saved your life.

Yeah. I probably would've made it
on my own, but thank you.

No, you wouldn't have made it on your own.

- You were crying.
- I was not crying.

- You were screaming.
- That was water from the lake.

- I was not screaming.
- I'll never forget that scream,

- I'll tell you that.
- You sh... I...

It was embarrassing. I...

You'll never forget
a lot of things you make up.

- Yeah.
- I'm glad that we're all here,

ready to take off.
It's gonna be a great flight.

- Yeah.
- Any snacks on here?

- What? You didn't eat?
- Give him a snack.

- I've got...
- Yeah, I'm coming on the plane here.

There's no snack?

- I mean, anything to put in his mouth.
- I got some peanuts.

- Here, have some peanuts.
- Peanuts? That's it? That's circus food.

- No, try 'em out.
- It's hardly circus... We gotta take off

before this gets any weirder.

- Okay.
- All right, ready? Gentlemen, goggles on.

- Ready to go?
- Here we go.

- Contact.
- Contact.

Contact.

Here we go.

All right, it's working like a charm.

- Oh, yeah.
- Beautiful.

Oh, that's probably bad.

- Yep, yep, yep. Let me k*ll it.
- Oh, yeah. Is it... Is it doing the thing?

- What happened?
- Let me k*ll it. Let me k*ll it.

- Colby! Where's Colby?
- Colby!

- Hey, guys.
- Here he comes.

I think it's the same rod.
We threw a rod.

- Get comfortable.
- Let me take a look.

- It's gonna be a while so...
- Colby's on it. Our guy...

- Okay, fine.
- He's on it. He's got the wrench.

- No, no, no, no. We gotta wait here.
- What are you talking about?

We gotta wait on the plane.
We can't deplane.

De... What is "deplane"?
I never heard of that.

- Why? Are you kidding?
- It's the opposite of plane.

- We gotta wait right here...
- "Deplane"?

- Until they fix the mechanical issue.
- Yeah.

- Deplane?
- Safety first.

We're sitting on the ground.
There's no safety involved.

I gotta wait on the plane

- no matter how long it takes?
- Yeah.

- What if it's five hours?
- Then we wait five hours.

I gotta sit in the middle
with shitty snacks

- doing nothing?
- Yeah.

- For five hours? Are you crazy?
- Yeah.

This is the airplane experience.

It's not a good experience!
It's a bad experience!

The stupidest rule I ever heard.

- Trust us. It's for your own safety.
- Yeah.

- Just get comfy.
- You know what else?

I'm taking my name off the invention.

Orville and Wilbur, you can have it.

I don't want anything
to do with this machine.

- You're gonna regret it.
- Oh, I don't think so.

I'm telling you, you're gonna regret this.

And by the way,
I have a bone to pick with you.

- I'm sure you do. What now?
- Here we go.

I was going away for a week, you remember?

- I asked you to water my plants.
- Of course.

I come home...

- Plants are thriving.
- And I discover that you

have had sex in my house.

How did you find out
that he had sex in your house?

Because there was sex evidence
by the African violets.

- That's how.
- I'm not denying it,

but I can't have sex in my house.
My wife is there.

By the way, somebody has
to have sex in your house.

- Thank you. Right. This one isn't.
- You know, Wilbur, f*ck you.

- f*ck you. f*ck you.
- f*ck you.

- Oh, boy. Guy... But calm down.
- You gave me the bad seat,

just like you gave me the bad seat
at your wedding. Same thing.

Put me right by the kitchen.

Every waiter would bump into me

- and knock me over on the way out.
- I put you at the singles table.

You were looking
to meet somebody that night,

and I put you next
to the best-looking lady there.

She had one eye, okay?

- Hey, things happen.
- She didn't have an eye patch.

It was like you sat me next to a cyclops.

I was sitting on her blind side,

and she knocked her tomato soup
all over my lap.

- Why is that her fault?
- It's not her fault.

Let her have one eye,
but wear an eye patch.

Have a little consideration
for other people.

- You could've just asked her out.
- Asked her out?

You know,
she talks about you all the time.

- She talks about me?
- She does. Yeah.

Maybe next time you see her,
tell her to put an eye patch on.

Hey, you know what would be
a nice thing for you to do?

Maybe make her one and say,
"Hey, you know what? I got you."

- That sounds insulting to me.
- Giving somebody a gift?

Listen, she knows about an eye patch.

She just chooses not to wear it.

It was a formal event.
She didn't have a formal eye patch.

I think that's the problem.

Why don't you make her one
that's bedazzled?

- Maybe she'll wear that.
- Something nice.

- 'Cause she's not a bad-looking woman.
- That's what I'm saying.

Yeah, I'll send it to her in the mail

- anonymously.
- Anon...

- Orville? Yeah.
- And then notice it the next time.

- Yes.
- And the note attached should say,

"Beauty is in the one eye
of the beholder."

- I love that. I love that. That's not bad.
- You know what?

- Good for something. Yeah.
- That's good. That's good.

- All right, let's take off.
- Ready to take off?

- Colby, how we doing?
- Oh, we got a thumbs up, guys.

- We got a thumbs up.
- Good to go.

- Goggles on.
- Here we go.

- All clear.
- And spin it, Colby. Contact.

Good luck.

- Here we go!
- Oh, look at that.

This is gonna be great.

Hold it steady.

Wow, it works!

- There we go!
- No, no, no!

I changed my mind. I don't wanna go!
I'm feeling sick. I'm feeling sick.

- I'm gonna throw up.
- Here. Here, use that.

Look at this beautiful view.

I'm gonna die!
No, no, no! I don't wanna go!

In the 1950s, during the Cold w*r
between Russia and the United States,

fear of communism was everywhere.

The Red Scare reached a fever pitch

when Republican Senator
Joe McCarthy of Wisconsin

launched a series
of highly publicized probes

into alleged communist penetration
of all levels of government.

No one dared tangle with McCarthy

for fear of being labeled a communist.

Even the U.S. Army
was under investigation,

which led to the famous
Army-McCarthy hearings.

Joseph Welch was
the chief counsel for the Army,

and his confrontation with McCarthy,
where he famously asked,

"Have you no sense
of decency, sir, at long last?"

was seen as a turning point

in this regrettable chapter
of our history.

But according to McCarthy,

he wasn't the only one
with no sense of decency.

In view of Mr. Welch's request,

I think we should tell him
that he has in his law firm

a young man named Fisher...

who for many years

has been part of an organization,

oh, years and years ago,

that is the legal bulwark
of the Communist Party.

Let us not assassinate this lad further.

Have you no sense
of decency, sir, at long last?

- Have you left no sense of decency?
- Here, here!

Have I no sense of decency?
And what about you, Mr. Welch?

I see you drinking a glass of water
without a coaster,

leaving a ring stain on a beautiful table.

So, who has no sense of decency?

In my defense, Senator,

I was told the table has been treated
with a fine epoxy.

It is also a very old table, I believe.

Mr. Welch, I will submit
that you care as little about this table

as you do about
the sanctity of our democracy.

Otherwise, you would have a coaster
like the one I brought from home.

You traveled here today
with your own coaster?

Yes, that is correct,
because I respect wood.

The issue is, you left a ring stain,
you're continuing to leave ring stains,

and I can tell you
who else leaves ring stains.

- Communists leave ring stains.
- Oh, come on.

- Communists don't care about a table.
- Point of order.

Communists have no respect for wood.

Citation needed.

And I'll tell you
who else lacks common decency.

- Senator Symington?
- Yes?

You came to my house a few weeks ago,

and did not wipe your feet on the mat.

You trudged in mud. Is that decent?

How could you even know that?
When I found you, you couldn't hear me.

You were in your study
on the other side of the house.

My hearing is as finely attuned to wiping

as it is to the infiltration
of communists in the State Department.

And I'll tell you who else
doesn't wipe their feet.

Don't say it.

Communists don't wipe their feet.

- I've never seen a communist wiping feet.
- Okay, here we go. Here we go.

You don't find welcome mats
in the Soviet Union.

Karl Marx was a mud tracker.
Engels wrote about it.

My housekeeper is from Romania.
She told me herself.

There are no mats
in the satellite countries.

She fled because there were no doormats?

And who could blame her?

Speaking of indecency,

Senator Byrd told me
he couldn't come to my barbecue

because it was his daughter's birthday.

Turns out his daughter is 28 years old.

A father can't spend
a special day with his daughter?

Not at the age of 28.

What are they going to do, Senator Mundt?

Go to the zoo? Paint their faces?

Go on a pony ride? Get ice cream?

I tell you, gentlemen, it lacks decency.

And by the way, if I may continue,

mutual trips to the Senate
lavatory have confirmed

that Senator Dirksen does not use soap
when he washes his hands.

I can tell you who else doesn't use soap.

- If I had to guess...
- Communist.

- Communist.
- You got it.

My Romanian housekeeper, Lenka,
has told me all about communists,

how they don't wear clothes
in their homes.

They have no shame, no modesty.

Occasionally, she will walk
around the house

- without clothes on...
- Okay.

And I will have to remind her

that she is here in America,
and we wear clothes here.

You want more indecency?

The Ways and Means Committee

went to the Old Ebbitt
for lunch last week,

and Senator Potter took it upon himself
to order for the entire table,

as if he was chairman.

Does that word ring a bell to anyone?

I could tell you another chairman.

His name is Nikita Khrushchev,

and he's the chairman
of the Communist Party

in the Soviet Union.

Nobody could make up their mind.

If I hadn't ordered,
we'd still be eating that lunch.

I didn't get one thing that I liked.

He ordered fish.

Disgusting, awful, smelly halibut.

It was a special.
It was highly recommended.

Yes, highly recommended by a waiter

who was wearing a very red shirt!

Are we now color-coding communism?

Indeed.

Well, then what about Santa Claus, sir?

And I have my doubts about Santa Claus

giving away all those presents,
going house to house,

collecting information
and using it against decent Americans.

He's nuts.

It appears that anything that you dislike

can be compared to the evils of communism.

I don't particularly like it
when my neighbor allows their dog

to relieve himself in my yard.

I don't think he's a communist dog.

This is no laughing matter.
We're doing very important work.

What's more, I saw Senator Potter
personally take a handful of mints

at a restaurant
from a bowl at the cashier.

There's an honor system, Senator.

The mints weren't exclusively for me.
I share them with the staff.

Sticking that big,
filthy paw in a handful of mints

is not something
the restaurant encourages.

Senator Potter, were they
individually wrapped mints?

There was no wrapping, per se,
but I wash my hands, unlike Dirksen.

Did you ask the cashier
if you could take a handful of mints?

- It's implied.
- It's not implied.

It's one mint per person.
One mint per person.

One mint per person. One mint per person.

- One...
- No one's chanting that.

- No one's gonna chant with you.
- No one's chanting.

Senator Potter,
I don't think I need to tell you,

if you were in Moscow,
you would be in prison

for going over your mint allotment.

They will chop your hands off.
They'll chop your toes off.

They'll chop your legs off.

You'll be left as a stump,

someone to be viewed in the circus.

Let's leave it at that.

Is anyone else
having a problem following all this?

No!

I introduced Senator Kilgore
and Congressman Sullivan,

and the next thing I know,

they're going to a baseball game
together without me.

- That's not decent.
- So what?

They don't know each other well enough

to be going off by themselves
without including me.

I'm the catalyst, I'm the glue.

They deliberately excluded me,

but nobody sniffs out chicanery
like Tail Gunner Joe.

Maybe they had business to discuss
that did not include you?

Yes, like overthrowing the government
of the United States.

Oh, come on.

- Come on.
- The irony is

they did it at a baseball game,

the most American of all activities,

where you're free
to shout out things like,

"Hey, batter, batter, you stink!"

"You suck! Go to hell! Drop dead!"

Try saying that in Moscow
and see what happens.

And you say, Mr. Welch,
that I have no decency.

I would also just say, take the hint.

Your hint is not taken.

I happen to be a bowl of fun and a big,

- big barrel of laughs.
- No.

And do you wanna know
who else has no common decency?

Not really.

Whenever a fat guy eats
something halfway healthy,

he never shuts up about it.

I had a salad for lunch.
You don't hear me crowing about it.

- Stupid idiot.
- I got a haircut last week.

No one said boo.

You acknowledge a haircut,
that's the decent thing to do.

And Senator Goldwater,
pressing the elevator button

will not make it come any faster.

And to all the married men out there

who are constantly bragging
about having sex with your wives,

big deal!

You talk about it like
it's some great accomplishment.

So what? It's pathetic.

I have sex with my wife all the time...

- What are you doing?
- In many different positions,

some of which are quite demeaning.

And she does anything I want.

Many costumes.

But I don't go around yapping about it.

Senator, you are aware
these hearings are televised,

and your wife is surely watching.

I'm joking! I'm joking. I'm joking!

I'm jo... I... Honey! Jeannie!

You know what I think of you.
I didn't mean any of that.

It was all a joke. It's all for effect.

You know,
I don't even care about communists.

Honey, don't be mad at me, please.

I didn't mean to say anything.
I just got... I got excited.

You know how I get.

Oh, Jeannie, I'm so sorry!
I'm so sorry!