An American Abroad (2025)

[bunniefuu]

[gentle music]



[man] What can I say about Marcia?

She's a handful,

a lot of work, a lot of fun,

preposterous, presumptuous,

perfectly imperfect.

I... I don't know.

To be honest, I'm not

really sure how I got here

or where is "here" exactly.

Oh, maybe I'll start where

most good stories start.

So I was a little buzzed in Amsterdam,

and I think I said:

Gosh, you girls sound

like you're having fun.

Oh my God.

We're having so much fun.

Don't mind her.

[man] And one thing led to another, and...

Can I see you tonight?

[Marcia] I'm working.

You know what? Do you mind coming down?

I've gotta be on camera in 10 minutes.

You work in TV?

That's great.

I'm an entertainment lawyer.

I'm really not a bad guy.

Good, okay.

Well, bye.

I hope to see you again.

[man] But my plans, along with

those of about 9 billion others,

got a little interrupted.

Yep, COVID.

So Marcia went to live in Hawaii.

I stayed in Amsterdam.

And honestly, I thought it was over.

I found out later that she

was still thinking about me,

and that she and her sister

were hatching up a plan.

What?

Don't dial endangering me, I hate that.

I just want my own life back.

I just want Arnold.

All right, my head is

gonna fricking explode.

Call Arnold.

Invite him to Hawaii.

If you don't, I'm gonna board a plane,

come out there, and slap you and fly home.

Really?

You'd fly out here to see me?

Bye.

[Arnold] They somehow convinced me

to travel during the lockdown.

I like to think that I

was wisely precautious.

Marcia didn't.

I just got your text.

I was on the way to the airport.

Yeah, my flight got in early.

I didn't wanna stay in a public place.

So you're walking the road all by yourself?

Uh, yep.

God.

No, no.

It's great to see you,

but six feet distancing.

You didn't fly this far to quarantine.

Well, those are the rules.

Nice hair.

But you did the COVID test.

Yeah, but I flew on a plane.

When did complicity become virtuous?

You're not wearing two masks, are you?

Yep.

Never even took 'em off to eat or drink.

But wait, that was like eight hours.

And I am pretty thirsty and hungry.

But I never had to use the

airplane bathroom though.

Did you come here to

sit in a room for 14 days?

[hatch shuts] -Hey, we'll make this work.



Now, what's wrong?

I'm gonna sit in the back for safety.

[Marcia sighs]

[car door shuts]

[Arnold] Well, I was there with

her, but not actually with her.

Even got to find out a little bit about

what she's been doing

for the last 20 years or so.

[Marcia] New York City, it was the 1980s,

and I was a lifestyle reporter.

Hi, we're here in New York

to ask about love in America.

We're finding out what

is the truth behind love.

[Arnold] I guess she had a show.

[Announcer] Live from the Starlight Room,

San Francisco's very own late night show

with Marcia Kimpton.

I wanna hear that rock and roll!



[Arnold] Or a few shows.

Here we go

Welcome to the Marcia, Marcia, Marcia Show,

a little insight into my life,

kind of reality, comedy, rock and roll.

[Marcia] I'm not sure how I

ended up on reality TV, but I am.

[Arnold] Or more specifically,

a seemingly unending series of breakdowns,

tirades, and whatever this is.

I found, with this stupid reality TV show,

that with all the...

[director] Cut, cut, cut.

You can't say that, this is reality TV.

Yeah, but this is my reality.

So why can't I say the truth?

[Arnold] To understand her,

I had a lot of catching up to do.

[Marcia] Welcome to Late Night

on Planet M from Amsterdam.

[Arnold] But she made

one thing abundantly clear:

Her dream was to get back

to doing her very own late night show.

Welcome to Planet M!

I'm your host...

-[man] The internet

interview show, right?

Yes.

No, I wanna hear you say it.

Say that you know that

Planet M is not a real place,

and that it's a set that you do

your internet talk show from.

Zach, of course I understand that.

Okay, let-let's take it from the top.

[Arnold] Thanks, Zach, that's a great idea.

Back to the story at hand.

We were in Hawaii, Marcia, me, and a mask.

[Marcia] You know what,

let's just take a deep breath.

Oh.

Do you smell the ocean?

Oh, I smell my breath.

Will you take off that mask?



[inhales]

Oh, it smells amazing.

God's grace.

I mean, look at this.

[Arnold] But that

vacation didn't last long.

I quickly realized that

although we had gotten

to know each other a lot in

a very little amount of time,

that I wasn't ready to make a commitment,

and that her life had a destiny of its own.

Good morning.

Wow, this is beyond stunning.

This makes you wanna move here, right?

[Marcia] Yeah, it is beautiful.

I don't know, I feel bad saying that...

I miss seeing people.

I miss my show.

I wonder, are we ever gonna travel again?

Are we ever gonna see a Broadway show?

Are we ever gonna go to the movie theater?

Hey, this too shall pass.

In the meantime, how about I make you

some breakfast right now?

Okay. [Chuckles]

[Arnold chuckling]

[phone ringing]

Hi, Martin.

Marcia, how are you?

Ready to get back to work.

[Martin] That's exactly

what I wanted to hear.

Listen, I have an idea for a

spinoff of our Amsterdam show.

It's called An American Abroad.

How do you feel about

being hired to travel the world?

[laughs]

I say that's pure joy.

[Arnold] So she went off and did her show

while I kept being a lawyer

and tried to forget about her.

Spoiler: I couldn't.

Oh, and this is her other house in Aspen

and her best friend Jen,

and a big mess that she made.

Oh, my God.

How am I gonna get this done?

[car honking]

-[groans]

[Arnold] There'll be plenty of those.

Hey, you.

You ready to travel the world?

I'm ready to travel the world,

but I'm not ready to get that flight.

Let's take a walk, okay?

-Sure, wherever you want.

-I'm gonna be

on that plane for 16 hours.

[Marcia] You didn't mention anything.

[Jen] You look amazing.

I lost the pandemic 10.

Arnold's not coming on the trip.

What?

A free trip around the world with you?

This guy's got a problem, Marcia.

You better dump him and

then just give me his number.

[Marcia laughing]

No, he's scared, like

everybody is, to travel.

I just hope he awakens to it.

I know.

[Both] You can't change a man.

[Arnold] So she set off on her new show.

An American Abroad.

Her first stop was Cappadocia, Turkey.

We're at Love Valley in Cappadocia, Turkey.

It's pretty cool, you know why?

Because everybody gets married here.

They come here if they're in love.

[Arnold] She had work

to do, but I like to think

I was still in her thoughts.

You look around the rocks

really make you think about one thing.

Oh my God.

Hey, are you a tourist?

Are you guys on a honeymoon?

-No.

-No.

Are you in love?

-Yes.

-Okay.

Well, you're in the right place.

We're with a real Cappadocian.

As I understand, you were born in a cave

and you live in a cave.

-Of course.

-I can't believe

these caves are 2000 to 4000 years old.

Of course, yeah, you have a caveman.

[both laughing]

We got a real live caveman.

Did you guys hear that?

How are you?

You look really interesting.

I wanna tell you I love you,

and you look like you're very, very smart.

You're not just a camel.

You don't smoke cigarettes, right?

[camel bellows]

I'm Marcia Kimpton here in Love Valley,

Cappadocia, Turkey.

Did we get it?

-Yep, that's it.

-Okay.

I wanna take...

-[man] That's a cut.

-Moving on, right?

-Yeah, no.

I wanna take a picture for Arnold.

I can take a picture of you.

Yeah, totally.

I'm the camera guy, that's what I do.

I got a brilliant idea.

You gotta pose like this.

You're a plane, and you're

flying around this whole place.

Trust me.

You gotta have your-your-your mouth open.

Yay!

[Arnold] Come on, Marcia, keep it classy.

Nevertheless, she kept on her adventure

and even found some new

ways to keep her spirits high.

[bright music]

[flame rushing]

I'm gonna live, right?[Phone ringing]

Oh my God, oh my God,

I just got a phone call.

-Is that okay?

-Of course, okay.

Take your call.

It's the guy I really like.

I would never talk on a-on

a balloon in Cappadocia.

Okay, hold on a second.

Arnold?

[Arnold] Hey, what's going on?

Oh my God, I'm on a balloon in Cappadocia.

[flame rushing]

Okay, I'm sorry you can't hear me.

I'm on a balloon in Cappadocia.

[Arnold] What is-what is that sound?

It's a lot of fire in a balloon.

We've gone up to about

a thousand feet right now.

I... I would say I'm 10 feet.

I got 100 balloons behind me.

Can you believe that?

-[Arnold] So cool.

-Arnold,

can I call you later?

'Cause, I mean, I'm working.

Can you believe I'm working?

Can you believe this is my job, Arnold?

-I can't believe.

-[Arnold] Oh, I... I love it.

But hey, I've been thinking

maybe I should come.

What?

Did you just say you wanna come?

[Arnold] Yeah, but

yeah, just call me later.

Enjoy.[Marcia giggles]

God, I can't believe it.

Okay, nobody jumps out of a balloon

when they find out

something really exciting

is happening in their life.

[upbeat music]

Arnold, you're here, oh my God.[Kisses]

[both laughing]

Oh my God, you boarded the plane.

You got to Turkey.

You're adventuresome guy.

I'm just so excited you're here.

Yeah, I know, I... I got your text.

What text?

You're trying to tell me something?

My god, that was the camera man.

He's such a jokester.

[upbeat music]

[Arnold] So I got to

help her make her show.

We had a ton of fun.

And I even got to go on

another balloon ride with her.

This time, in person.

Then the quirks came out.

I found out later that she was more

than a little self-conscious

about our age difference.

It didn't bother me.

But along the way, she was trying to cope

in her own Marcia sort of way.

Apparently, she bought some magical

hair-thickening claw device

that she became convinced

needed to be applied somewhere

around every 10 minutes.

What are you looking at?

Just looking at you.

I'll be right back. Okay?

[light music]

Oh.

[light music continues]

[scrubbing]

[spraying]

[running footsteps]

Oh, sh*t!

[sighs]

-[birds chirping]

[upbeat music]

Food came.[Marcia chuckles]

Cheers.

-Cheers.

Bon a pet it.

[upbeat music]

Oh, family, I just love your hotel.

It's so great.

-Uh, do you need any help?

-No.

[upbeat music]

Oh my God, what happened?

Oh my God.

Overkill.

[Arnold] If this feels like a bit much,

just imagine how I felt

sitting there that night.

I'd love to pretend this was the last time

she obsessed about something

I just didn't understand.

But then that would be a lie.

[upbeat music]

-[gate rattles]

Oh.

[grunts]

It's looking good.

Oh, thank you.

What have you been doing in the bathroom?

Don't worry about it.

[glasses clink] [Arnold] And

that was a wrap for Cappadocia.

After that, we took a

quick flight to Istanbul.

I was thrilled to be traveling

with Marcia on this trip,

but I wasn't used to so much travel.

Jetlag is real.

Oh, man, this place is incredible.

You don't seem that excited.

Gosh, travelling takes a lot outta you.

Okay, well, I have a solution for that.

Okay, crew, we're taking a brief second

to stop to do our pick me up, you ready?

Let's dance.

[upbeat music]

What is happening?

You need to join, come on.

[upbeat music continues]

[Marcia laughing]

-[director] Action.

-So after you take

a boat ride, you come to Sultanahmet,

you go to a great restaurant.

There's one thing missing left

in Istanbul that you have to do.

You gotta get the baklava!

It's amazing!

[Cameron] Cut.

Hi, how are you doing?

Do you wanna talk to me?

I guess you don't speak English.

Okay, sorry.

So what's your favorite thing about Turkey?

History, everything, the food.

-The culture, the food.

-Yes, yes, absolutely, yeah.

Any tourist over there wanna come over

from my reality show

to try to get travel going?

Come all, jump up and roam over.

Is that your wife?

No, that's my wife

-over there, for sure.

-Right, okay, come on.

Come on, wife.

Another beautiful place, and the food?

Oh, my God.

-Kebab, kebab.

-Kebab.

Everybody's having a kebab.

It's like kebab here,

kebab here, kebab here.

I finally had enough kebabs.

I think I'm over the kebab.

But you know what I'm

not over is the baklava.

I love the baklava.

Pretty special, it's exotic, it's erotic.

The food's great, the people are wonderful.

You feel so safe.

Is there anything?

There's nothing I could

say wrong about Turkey.

What made you feel so

excited to get on a plane

and come to beautiful Turkey?

This is actually my first time.

And I have to say, it's just mesmerizing

to realize the history that

comes out of this country.

-Yeah.

-It's just amazing.

And the people are so kind.

People are really kind.

-You feel so safe.

-Absolutely.

You got it, you got it, you got it.

-Yeah, that's it.

-Oh, my God.

It's fun to watch, you're really funny.

Thank you.

I, uh, got you a little something.

No!

What, you said you liked it.

I love baklava.

Need to get rid of it.

Will you hide it, please?

I can see it over there.

Just go away and eat it, please.

I already had some.

Just eat it.

Thank you.

If I even have one, then I

end up having 10, okay?

It's not good.

You know what, you need to

take notes about all my problems.

I'm serious, take out a phone.

I mean, I've got some issues.

Okay, I was just joking.

Starving, now that you

brought that baklava.

Let's go eat.

[bright music]

[Marcia] The whirling dervishes

were founded in the 13th century

by the Mevlevi-Sufi Order.

Whirling is a learned skill

that is promising eternal life

in a way to get closer to God.

During the Ottoman Empire, the Dervishes

had the greatest influence on the social,

political, and economic infrastructure.

-[Cameron] Cut!

-Yay, finally! [Chuckles]

[upbeat music]

Hm, what is that?

These are my Stetzer filters.

It kinda helps get rid

of the dirty electricity.

Then I've gotta make,

we don't want the phone near the bed.

So I have an alarm here,

so we don't have to use the phone.

Oh, and this.

-This helps me make decisions.

-[plastic rustling]

Goes back and forth, let's just see.

Should we go to Greece?

Should we go to Greece?

So that's yes.

Well, don't we have to for the show?

I mean -[Marcia] Oh my God.

Do you see how it's going in a circle?

It's not sure if we should go to Greece.

Oh my God!

Oh my God, I can't even deal.

We have to go to Greece.

Okay, let me show you what else I have.

Just in case you wanna

catch up on what I'm doing,

99 tips on EMF.

And then I have a candle

that's only beeswax,

'cause you don't want chemicals.

Didn't realize you were so into this stuff.

Okay, this onyx pyramid ends up

absorbing all the EMF.

Okay, how does that work?

Well, just every, all the electricity

and the WiFi goes in there.

There's more?

-[Marcia] Yeah.

The final thing is this, look.

[plastic rustling]

So this, you can actually stand on it

if you don't want any EMF

so you can walk around the city

and make sure it just protects you.

But I put it underneath

my pillow every night.

It-it just-it protects you?

Yeah, and then this takes a,

it's 1000-year-old cedar.

It takes away all the nanoparticle.

They cut down 1000-year-old

tree to make that stuff?

-Yeah.

-How come

you never busted all this stuff out

in Lanai or Cappadocia?

Because you would think I was strange.

Then I got you one of these.

It's a tin foil hat.

Just in case none of this

works, wear this to bed.

[tin foil rustling]

Are you serious?

You can join me.

You don't wanna have

electricity in your body or WiFi.

It's not healthy, causes cancer.

I think I'll be okay with everything else

-that you got set up there.

-Do you think this is sexy?

Not really.[Laughing]

I guess I'll sleep with you anyways.

Oh, hey. [Laughs]

Yeah, I'm glad you didn't do that before.

That would've been really creepy.

Good thing you like me. [Laughs]

[light music]

[seagulls calling]

Sorry, just finished.

Gotta get some work done while I'm here.

Look at the sunrise, God.

Beautiful. Coffee?

Would you like a sip?

When you're in Turkey,

you gotta try the coffee.

You know what else you have to try?

There's psychics that read

the grounds of the coffee.

I'm gonna arrange it for the show.

-No.

-Why not?

Because we came to learn

about history and culture,

not fantasy.

It's all a part of the history.

I'm having a guide set it up.

Sorry. Great.

[laughs]

[Arnold] I had no idea

what I was getting into,

being with someone who was on TV.

Oh, hi Verna.

I heard you're one of the greatest psychics

in Istanbul.

-Oh. Just one of them.

Okay, well, I've been

to a hundred psychics,

but I've never had any kind

of reading where it's coffee.

Well, I'm gonna get set up.

Okay.

100 psychics?

Yeah. [Laughs]

Do you have a problem with psychics?

I dated a girl years ago.

She saw a psychic and then

we mysteriously broke up.

Nothing's gonna happen

to us, don't worry about that.

I've gotta do the TV segment.

[Cameron] Set and action.

I'm so excited.

This is the ancient

tradition of tasseography.

And as you drink the coffee,

you have to try and get

in the right frame of mind

for fortune telling.

You're going to drink the coffee.

-[Marcia] Okay.

-[Verna] And as you drink it,

the fine ground sediments

are gonna fall to the bottom of the cup.

Okay, I'm gonna turn the cup over,

and you're gonna turn it

around your head three times.

Oh, other way.

Okay.

You're a global traveler,

and this TV show is gonna be a huge hit.

Oh, great.

Well, put your finger in.

That's it.

What's your question?

Am I gonna marry Arnold?

Yes.

Okay, okay, enough of this.

I... I don't want -Cut.

Sorry.

I... I don... I don't like this.

I get that you want this for your segment,

but I don't want any part of my life on TV.

Not a problem.

Um, we're gonna get a new coffee.

This one's gonna blemish.

'Cause only unblemished

coffee can predict marriages.

Arnold, you're insulting

the ancient tradition.

I... I just don't want anyone predicting

if I'm going to marry or not or...

Can't we talk about this later?

I'm not ready to propose.

Okay, fine.

Marcia, are we ready to move on?

Yeah, sorry, sorry.

So you're gonna need

to drink the second coffee

so that I can do a new reading.

Turn it over and you will turn it

around your head three times again.

Mm-hmm.

I don't know what you

see in there, I have to say.

It says, it says you're going

to get married very soon.

Actually, you're going to

have two marriage proposals.

-What?

-Mm-hmm.

And one is a Libra and

the other is a Pisces.

-A Pisces?

-Mm-hmm.

-[sighs]

[seagull calling]

I'm sorry.

I just can't believe you asked

if we were gonna get married.

You know, I just did it

to make the TV good.

You know, it's good TV.

Yeah, but with everyone there

and all the cameras running?

Used to being on TV.

And I know you're not, so

I shouldn't have done that.

Thank you.

Random subject, no particular reason.

What's your birthday?

March 14th, why?

You're a Pisces.

I don't see astrology as a

science, but enlighten me.

What's your sign?

I have to go.

[footsteps pounding]

Pick up.

Kat, call me.

[sighs]

Should I date a Pisces or should I not?

No, let's see.

Should I date a Pisces?

That's yes.

Oh my god, okay, that's okay.

Oh my God, it is changing.

It's changing.[Phone ringing]

It's about time.

What's up, it's 4:00 am.

He wants to know my sign, Kat.

So?

He doesn't know I'm on the cusp.

You're calling me to

process you're a cusp baby.

I just read that the cusp dates changed,

and the psychic said I was

gonna marry a Libra or a Pisces.

[Kat] For the hundredth

time, stop listening to psychics.

Just tell him, I'm sure

Arnold's not gonna care

that you're on the cusp.

Kat, that makes it worse.

I thought you were my sister

and would understand my struggles.

[Kat] Just tell him.

I'm sure he'll be fine with it.

But if I'm a Capricorn,

as every recent chart says,

I don't get along with Pisces.

Just give him a chance and let me sleep.

These relationships always end, Kat.

When you know something's gonna end,

you start looking for the signs.

Well, you'll know by the end of your trip.

Just take a breath, tell

him, and you'll feel better.

[light music]

[Marcia sighs]

What's going on?

You're gone a long time.

I have to tell you something.

What happened?

What's... what's wrong?

I'm a cusp baby.

What's that?

I feel so much better now

that I got that off my chest.

Got what?

I don't know.

I'm a cusp baby, so I'm

either six hours into Capricorn,

but they changed the calendar on me,

and now I-I could be a Sagittarius

and the whole thing won't work.

So I need to be a Capricorn

and not a Sagittarius for this to work.

So... so the cusp is where

the astrological sign changes?

Yeah, and they changed

the calendar recently.

Well, just be whatever you wanna be.

It's... it's not that simple.

I believe in astrology.

I've been studying it for years.

Decide that you're a Sagittarius.

They can't decide either, so.

But the psychic said I was gonna get

two marriage proposals,

one from a Pisces and one from a Libra.

Okay, first, the psychic tells you

that we're gonna get married,

and now you're telling me

that we can't stay together

because of astrological incompatibility?

I really like you, Arnold.

I think you should

start looking for a Libra.

I'm... I'm just gonna go take a walk.

[restaurant chatter]

[waves crashing]

Oh, hey man, where's Marcia?

There's so many eccentricities, that one.

[Cameron laughing]

Yeah, she's pretty crazy.

It's kinda what makes her awesome.

I... I don't know if I can handle it.

Yeah, you just gotta ask yourself,

do I want a boring life or

an exciting one, you know?

That's how I get through.

[Arnold] I thought about it all

and kinda came to a conclusion.

If being fake in a relationship is bad,

then being genuine is good.

And it was up to me to

realize that for all her quirks,

Marcia was being very genuine with me.

And it's hard to fault her for that.

You ready for bed?

Yeah.[Both laughing]

[Marcia] What, you're joining me?

[Arnold sighing]

-[Marcia laughing]

[Arnold] The trip was

progressing at a rapid pace.

So I started a journal in

order to always be able

to remember how it felt in the moment.

And before I knew it, we

were off to Hydra, Greece,

a small and captivating

island just outside of Athens.

[Marcia] Hi, I'm Marcia

Kimpton in Hydra, Greece,

named after the sea-dwelling

mythological monster, Hydra.

In the 15th century, everybody

had to leave the island

because the pirates took over.

But now, it's the hot spot

for the rich and famous.

And the only way to get here is by boat.

And the only way to

get around is by donkey.

So let's check out heaven on earth.

-Petros, hey!

-Marcia, welcome.

Good to see you.[Kisses]

It's been so long.

I'm so glad we could finally come to Hydra.

-This is Arnold.

-Hi, Arnold.

-How are you doing?

-He's practically the mayor,

and he has such great hotels.

Thank you so much.

Can you show -[Arnold] Hold up, hold up.

Did I mention that Marcia

likes wine, like a lot?

Is it possible that I've

been telling this story

for like half an hour and

that hasn't even come up yet?

Wow, this is beautiful.

Wow.

When I first came to Hydra at 21,

I did not stay in a room this nice.

Oh, no.

[Arnold] What, is that bad wine?

It's my favorite wine.

How could Petros do this to me?

Oh, he's terrible.

Yeah, I can't stop drinking it.

I'm happy to help make some disappear.



There's more in the mini bar.

Oh, those bottles are smaller.

That's not a problem.

No, that means there's

unlimited wine in this hotel.

Why did Petros change the wine list?

Don't buy it.

Easy for you to say.

You live moderately, I don't.

I can't believe it.

On top of it all, it's even

cheaper than home.

Half the price.

This just gets worse and worse.

Back home in America, I

spend $90 on this bottle.

So therefore, I can

only have it twice a week

'cause it's so expensive.

So it's 45 here times 2 times 52 weeks.

I've been spending $4,680 more.

Can you imagine what I

could do with that money?

-Buy more wine?

-Probably.

[chuckles]

[upbeat music]

Do you wanna be on camera?

-Hello, hello.

-Are you Greek?

-Yes, I'm from here.

So tell me what's special about Hydra.

Firstly, I think it's the view.

You know, it's very traditional island.

The mayor!

The mayor, the mayor's here.

Oh my god.

As you can see, it's a car-free island.

There are no motorbikes.

And it's a traditional island,

as it was back in the 19th century.

It's exactly the same.

We feel so wonderful and healthy here.

Here comes some tourists.

You're Americans?

-Yes.

-Yes.

This is called An American

Abroad travel TV series.

Can we call it a day?

[Marcia] Please grab a shot.

Thank you, God, for this amazing group.

We are traveling the world

doing this amazing reality

show to unite the world,

all religions, all cultures.

I feel so blessed to be

with this brilliant group.

I wanna make sure

we're safe, we're healthy.

All our families are healthy.

And my God, look at Hydra.

What a blessing it is to be here today.

There we go.

[man] Best prayer yet.

[man] We should do prayers like that again.

[Marcia] Okay, with the shot?

-Yeah.

-Okay, thank you.

And I get 50% off if I become a minister.

-You?

-Yeah, when I buy my wine.

Yeah, I saw it with

the... the Greek minister.

He was getting his wine off,

so I thought, "You know what?

When I get home, the wine's not gonna be

the same price anymore, so why not apply?"

It's so easy, you just apply online,

you become a minister overnight.

[Arnold] Silly me, I

thought she was joking.

Hey, come on.

What are you doing?

I'm becoming a minister.

On your phone?

Yeah, it is so simple.

You just fill out the form, pay it.

And I didn't have any

time before the service.

That wasn't a service.

That was your normal prayer with wine.

No, because we added

the wine, it was a service.

Adding wine to your prayer

doesn't make it a service.

No, if you were a

minister, you'd understand.

You're not a minister.

Right now, I am.

Congratulations, you are now a minister.

I stand corrected.



[Marcia] Hi, I'm Marcia Kimpton

for the American Abroad Travel TV series,

and I'm here in Hydra, Greece.

Isn't this absolutely spectacular?

Well, guess what?

This is where Jackie Owen in the '70s

and Leonard Cohen made

many of his brilliant songs.

It's one of those places

that are so special

because there are no cars.

You have to take a donkey ride.

So come to Hydra.

-[Cameron] Great, wonderful.

-Except with the ending.

I'm not sure about the ending there.

-No, that's nice.

-Okay.

Well, I've been thinking

about what you said,

and maybe it was a little bit unethical

to become a minister.

So now I'm thinking that if I just

take all my wine purchases

and apply it towards

tithing, then I'm okay, right?

That's fine.

You guys, this has been a long day, okay?

I'm ready to dive in this ocean.

[upbeat music]

[wine pouring]

What are you doing?

They don't have my favorite wine.

You could've just went somewhere else.

You gotta be kidding, look at this view.

This is beautiful.

And you can't enjoy it

without your bag of wine?

It wouldn't be the perfect moment.

I think it's pretty darn perfect.

Yeah, but it wouldn't be perfect

if I didn't have the perfect wine.

I guess you can't understand

'cause you're so content.

It's not a competition.

I'm not trying to say it's a competition.

I'm just trying to explain to you

why I need the perfect wine.

[both] Cheers.[Glasses clink]



No.

I'm so sorry.

-Did you not want any more wine?

-No, no, no.

It's just that I'm trying to pace myself.

Thank you, so sorry.

I'll get a towel.

You had to pull your glass away.

He was gonna ruin my perfect wine.

Just drink the Greek.

It's not that bad.

It's not that easy, okay?

You don't know anything about wines.

-I don't like doing this.

-It's exciting.

It makes you feel like you're a rebel.

I am not.

-That's true.

-Can you please

just don't embarrass me and get caught?

I've done this so many times.

It's like I'm an expert.

Kind of like a professional.

Professional wine smuggler?

Shh, he's coming.

Thank you, you were really quick.

Thank you.

It's not like we're not

paying for the Greek wine.

He's watching us.

He's a waiter, that's his job.

No, he knows what we're doing.

He's spying on us.

Just pour some of yours out.

No, I wanna drink it.

I know, but he's gonna figure out

the wine bottle's not going down.

Stop adding ice to yours

and then he won't notice

that your glass is actually going up.

I don't like it warm.

It won't be a perfect moment anymore.

You own this one. This is on you.

Oh, hey!

What... what are you doing?

You told me to own

it, I did this all the time.

Stop doing that, I'll just... I'll drink it.

Cheers.

Faster, faster.

[Arnold coughs]

Are you all right, sir?

Yeah, just, it's really good wine.

Can't... can't stop drinking it.

I noticed your wine glass never goes down.

Are... are you unhappy with your selection?

Oh no, no, it's great.

It's just, um, it's the ice.

You know, it's melty.

Yep, that... that's what ice does.

Okay.

Let me know if you need anything.

Thank you.

So now we've resorted to lying.

It's a white lie.

White wine, real lie.

I'm trying not to hurt him.

I mean, Greek wine is not

as good as French wine.

Just need a little bit more.

Oh![Bottle clinks]



Take me out on

[Marcia] I can't do this right now.

What are you doing?

Um, I'm gonna get a cup of coffee.

The ferry leaves in five minutes.

I know, but I don't do lines.

They make me really anxious.

Don't do lines?

Oh, you're the guy from last night.

Um, a cup of coffee with cream, please.

Marcia, we have to get the ferry.

[restaurant chatter]

I don't do lines.

I haven't done 'em in 20 years.

Are you serious?

Yeah, dead on.

I have never heard of this.

Well, have you met anybody like me?

No, never.

It's just my thing.

I mean, it's like you look

for other people's socks

underneath hotel bedrooms.

I don't do lines.

I wasn't looking for...

Okay, those are two

completely different things.

We're gonna miss the ferry.

No, you can just go

stand over there at the line,

and I'll meet you in a minute.

No, they're starting to board.

Look, come on, just skip the coffee.

[Marcia] There's

still a line, I can't do it.

Yes, you can.

No, I'm gonna break my 20-year streak.

It's bad luck.

Nothing is gonna happen

if you break your streak.

It'll be fine.

I've survived this long.

[Arnold] Post office, grocery stores, DMV.

How do you do anything?

Did make it difficult

living in New York City.

I'd see the line, walk in, walk out.

So I actually had to hire someone.

Who does that?

People do.

Oh gosh, great, thank you.

Can you get the bill, please? We gotta go.

No, we don't have time for this.

Just leave cash on the table, let's go.

Do you have cash? I don't, okay?

And there's still a line.

[Arnold] Four people is a line?

Yeah, it's a matter of perception.

Look, they're all on now.

We're gonna...

-Here we go.

We don't have time for that, okay?

Can you please hurry?

The entire country is

slow pace, what can I say?

[horn blaring]

Not the ferry.

Oh my God, I'm so sorry.

I'm so sorry. [Laughs]

That was not my intention.

I didn't try to miss a ferry.

I just don't do lines.

I hope the coffee is really good.

Let's see if Petros can

get us another room, okay?

[Arnold] That was a long night.

I was obviously frustrated.

I'm a guy that likes to

have a plan and execute it,

but Marcia has a way of redeeming herself,

and it's usually because she's

generous and spontaneous.

We're not missing the ferry again, Marcia.

I've got this completely solved.

Hey, crew, follow me, please?

Just follow me.

Welcome to the Joker.

[laughs]

You rented a yacht?

Yeah.

How did you afford this?

I locked up my savings.

Why would you do that?

Because the crew has been working so hard,

and they all had to be

crammed into one room last night.

Plus, there's no lines at the Joker.

So you wiped out your savings for your crew

and so you wouldn't have to stand in line.

Exactly, I didn't wanna

break a 20 year streak.

Okay, come on.

So excited. [Chuckles]

[light guitar music]

Hey.

Upgrade, huh?

Going for the expensive stuff.

My favorite wine didn't make it.

Gonna be able to handle it?

Yes.

'Cause it's truly perfect.

Wow.

[waves lapping]

[Arnold] Across the sea and over the waves,

her show took us to

another island of paradise.

I tried to get in my

remote work when I could,

but who would wanna

work in a place like this?

[Marcia] We are here in Patmos, Greece,

where St. John wrote

the Book of Revelations

right here on this island,

one of the most spiritual

places on planet earth.

And everyone knows the

beaches in Greece are amazing,

especially in Patmos.

From the monastery to

the town below me, Scala,

this is the jewel of the Aegean.

Come along for the ride of a lifetime.

I'm Marcia Kimpton for American Abroad.

And we're gonna take a nap.

That was great, we got it.

[light music]

[crew chatter]

You need some sleep.

That's what they say, eight hours a day.

That's important, lack of sleep

can lead to health troubles.

That's the problem.

Society keeps on saying that

I need eight hours of sleep,

and that stresses me out.

Sleep stresses you out?

Yeah.



I just wish I had narcolepsy.

I don't think you do.

Yes, I do.

Oh. God, I'm tired.

Narcolepsy.

[Marcia giggling]



All right, Marcia, you ready to go?

-No.

-Oh, what's wrong?

Look at my hair.

-What's wrong with it?

-What's wrong with it?

I went to a great hairstylist

and she made my hair my age.

I don't even know your age.

You're never gonna know my age.

But now I have to act my age.

Have you ever seen my hair like this?

Looks like the '80s.

Oh, great!

Hi, I'm Marcia Kimpton for American Abroad,

and I'm right in the center

town square of Scala in Patmos.

And we're interviewing all these tourists

from all around the world,

and we finally found some great people.

So they're willing to go on camera with us.

Tell me what you think is

so special about this island.

It's marvelous, it's amazing.

It's the unique island in the Aegea.

You know about the

history of St. John here?

-Not much.

-Okay, so St. John came here.

He was completely

exiled for following Christ,

and he ended up alchemizing the island.

It really, really, you

feel stoned all the time.

Do you feel stoned?

-[Laughs] Kinda.

-Not really, not much.

-How about no hangovers?

I don't get any hangovers on this island.

Have you gotten a hangover?

-Not really.

-Oh, good.

-Have you drank?

-Yes.

Okay. [Laughs]

And you've been to the cave, right?

The cave, no, I haven't.

He hasn't been to the cave!

He hasn't been to the cave!

I've been to the cave so many times,

I will never go into a cave again.

My boyfriend, Arnold, I-I

told him, I'm done with caves.

I mean, caves could

fall in in five seconds.

Do you feel how kinda special

it is about St. John at all?

-Yes.

-Do you feel like it is?

It feels really special, does it?

-Yes.

- American Abroad.

And that's what they are, Americans abroad.

[Arnold] History,

baggage, past relationships,

we've all got our share.

Some people just have a little extra.

[Marcia] I never told you

about the guy that I dated

who hunted Burmese pythons.

No, you never mentioned him.

Does this top the Bigfoot researcher?

I didn't date him.

He was more of a liaison.

Couldn't see myself spending time

looking for 'squatch on the weekends.

His dream was to find Bigfoot.

Can't stop on the weekends.

It's called balance.

You ought to look into it.

[laughs]

[Marcia] I dated a flat earther.

You set the bar pretty low.

Not in great company.

Slim pickings out there.

If a guy believes the earth is flat,

that should be a deal breaker.

Have you ever seen a flat earth map?

I only own globes.

Yeah, there's even a flat earth society

with over a million views.

They explain what they pretend is a secret.

[Arnold] If the earth was flat,

it would just be lined with cats,

pushing stuff off just to watch it fall.

Look it up, see what you think.

-[Marcia] Slovin!

-Hello.

Oh, my gosh!

This is Arnold, and I had to bring him

to my favorite restaurant in Patmos.

Nice to meet you.

Nice to meet you too.

[Marcia] Do you have a table?

Of course, follow me, please.

[Marcia] Okay, okay.

[sizzling]

-Thank you very much.

-Ah! [Indistinct]

Okay.

[restaurant chatter]

[utensils clanking]

Mmm.

-I'm sorry.

-For what?

We passed the mark.

[Arnold] What mark?

The mark when you can eat like a slob

in front of your boyfriend, okay?

Except for the time when

I was with Jim Tanner

and I ate three

hamburgers just to spite him.

Who is Jim Tanner?

He was my college boyfriend.

I mean, for five years, he was a vegan.

He tried to change me.

He was one of those guys.

Sure hope I don't become one of those guys.

No, you're great.

Can't be one of those guys.

[singing in foreign language]



[Marcia] What are you doing?

That's my metal detector.

-What?

-I just upgraded

to a digital one.

No more false signals.

Can spend an entire day on the beach

getting false signals.[Velcro ripping]

You didn't bring that out in Hydra?

Ah, no good beaches there.

[metal detector beeping]

[Marcia] God, I gotta call my sister.

[phone vibrating]

-[lamp clicking]

What do you want now?

Kat, why are you answering the call?

You're not supposed to

have the phone next to bed.

You know, charging your

head with all those microwaves.

Did you wake me up to tell

me not to answer my phone?

I expected it to go to voicemail.

[Kat] Well, I'm awake now, what's up?

[metal detector beeping]

He's one of those guys.

Arnold?

[Marcia] Yeah, Arnold.

Who else would I be talking about?

Well, we have a long

list of one of those guys.

What did he do that's so annoying?

It's 11-inch coil, metal detector,

whatever that's supposed to be.

He scans the beach looking

for things that aren't there.

[laughs] You gotta be kidding me.

[Marcia] I'm dead serious.

He's beeping on the beach

right now in front of everybody.

And I'm ruining everybody's

beach experience.

Well, tell him to turn the sound off.

He says that takes away his joy.

He brought it all the way from America.

Oh my God.

I'm watching this gorgeous

man look for junk on the beach.

That might be a deal breaker.

He can't be my soulmate.

My soulmate would never do this.

Does this mean you're breaking up?

[Marcia] Over a metal detector?

I just have to accept

that this is his thing.

[Kat] Nope, Marcia.

Remember, we said

whenever one of us is dating

one of those guys, it's goodbye.

Sayonara, bon voyage, dag.

Dag?

Dutch for goodbye.

Okay, I just have to make an exception

with the "one of those guys" list.

Marcia, this is gonna

drive you up the wall.

I say bail now when it's easy.

[Kat] You've only been dating

two months post pandemic.

I found one of those guys

that was willing to travel the world.

He has a flexible job.

He listens to me, unlike most men.

He's funny, and he thinks I'm funny.

So no dag.

Then why are you calling me

if you already made up your mind?

[Marcia] I made up my

mind right now talking to you.

I'm sticking with him.

But the beeping?

I don't know, buy him some headphones.

At least everybody on the

beach won't have to hear.

Thank you.[Beeping continues]

[speaking in foreign language]

You're not the only linguist in the family.

Alright, bye.

-[Marcia] Find anything?

-Found a rock.

[laughs]

I guess that's worth what?

Um, for you, it's free.

Beautiful lady, the rock is free.

[chuckles] Charming man.

[upbeat music]

I get close to this

monastery or St. John's cave,

and I just-I'm buzzed naturally.

Guess there's no need

for you to drink tonight then.

Oh, true, but I've gotta

take you to George's bar.

It's just, he has the best drinks.

He's an alchemist.

Kind of like a mixologist in America.

Oh, alchemist is a much, much cooler word.

Wait, you didn't date this guy, did you?

No.

Good.

Then we can go.

[bright music]

-Marcia.

-Oh, George.

[kisses]

This is Arnold.

Nice to meet you.

Nice to meet you, George.

Or should I call you The Alchemist?

The Alchemist, I like that.

But I'll never tell my secrets.

Let's go.

[Arnold] You know, we have

some really good conversations

when we're not talking about your exes.

I hope my quirks don't

get in the way of that.

[George] Quirks are light shining out.

Don't hold them back.

Or maybe that's why I like you.

Your quirks are nearly blinding.

I don't have any quirks.

You are high.[Marcia laughing]

[Arnold] Island hopping

in Greece was spectacular.

But Marcia told me winery hopping

in France was unbelievable.

And I knew now never to get between Marcia

and her wine of choice.

Hi, I'm Marcia Kimpton for

the American Abroad TV series,

and we're in the world

famous Bourgogne, France

in front of the Chateau Clos de Vougeot.

And here is Chateau de Marsannay.

They have the finest wine tour,

but they also are part of the wine auction.

And that ticket is the most

difficult ticket to get in town.

And here in the historic

third century town of Beaune,

you'll have one of the

best meals of your life.

I'm ready to go and eat.

Are you?

[door slamming]

-[sighs]

[message chiming]

[Arnold] All right, pause.

So, what have we covered so far?

Marcia's worried about her hair thinning.

She thinks coffee grinds

and stars can predict marriage.

EMFs seem to be a big concern.

She's addicted to very specific wines

and addicted to staying out of lines.

She has a long history

of dating weird dudes.

And perhaps the most

understandable, relatable,

and remarkable thing of all,

she's particularly stressed

about growing older.

I can relate.

And what does D-B-Y-H-B mean?

We'll get to that later.

Hadn't thought about

it until you texted me.

Not freaking out.

Oh, God.

Oh, God.

Thanks, Kat.

Now I'm freaking out.

[light music]

Hi, I am here at The Hospice,

the hospital from 1443

trying to get some tourists.

Here we go.

Hey, how are you today?

-Not today.

-Not today, oh damn.

Hey!

You know, the French don't have the same

sense of humor as me.

Why are you here in Beaune right now?

To drink, like me?

Yeah.[Marcia laughing]

It's the best wine in the world.

-Where are you from?

-Beaune.

Oh, you're from here. [Laughs]

[speaking in foreign language]

I love your language.

I feel like it's poetry.

Oh, you guys look like you would love

to be on camera, right?

-Where are you from?

-We're from France.

We're from Limoges.

Well, you don't have a very French accent.

Because I'm an English teacher.

That's great.

Well, I love your country.

And you know what I love most?

The wine.

What's your favorite here?

I think it's one from Bordeaux,

'cause we are living close to...

Did you hear that?[Record scratching]

Take that, cut.

You can't, Bordeaux, it's not here.

This is Bourgogne.

I think that's a wrap.

We got a friendly French person.

We don't have to do anything else, right?



[Cameron] All right,

everything's loaded up, right?

What the frick?

Dude, load up the sandbags, you guys.

This is taking way too long.

You guys ready for wine country?

Yeah!

Okay, another day of drinking.

Another day of fun.

In that order.

Another day of getting old.

[wind blowing]

-Oof.

Ah, place is incredible.

It's so bright.

Rebelling against the sun today?

It doesn't help how I look on camera.

I think you look great.

What?

You were gonna say, for my age, right?

I wasn't.

[Cameron] Marcia, we need you on camera.

[Marcia sighs]

[footsteps]

Good luck.

Burgundy, France, take one, mark.

Okay, one, two, three.

[beeps]

-Hi, I'm Marcia Kimpton

for the American Abroad TV series.

And we're in the world class Bourgogne.

Or, as the ignorant

Americans say, Burgundy!

Pause.

You can't say that.

[Marcia] What?

I shouldn't call Americans ignorant?

You know we are.

No, you shouldn't.

But why do we say Burgundy?

I don't know, Marcia.

[Marcia] I guess I should find that out

before I call Americans stupid.

But there are a lot.

There's stupid people everywhere, Marcia.

You think I should say Bourgogne

is like Napa Valley in California?

-Sure.

-Maybe I shouldn't,

because it's like burgundy.

No, Bourgogne, see?

I just did the American thing.

[cameraman] Well, you are an American,

and this is the American

Abroad, so I think it's fine.

No, I can't compare Napa Valley, California

to the finest wine in the world.

French think their wine's the finest.

Others think theirs is the finest.

-I don't know.

-But I'm in France.

I should be talking about the

wine I'm standing in front of.

-Yeah.

-[Marcia] But you gotta tell me,

why do we call it Chardonnay?

I mean, the French named it

after the region or the terroir.

But we name it after the grape.

Honestly, I don't know, Marcia.

You guys, can we take a break?

I... I need some wine to calm myself down.

[cameraman] It's a little early for wine.

[Arnold] Marcia bickering

with her cameraman

honestly turned into one of the most

entertaining parts of the trip.

But in this case, I had a feeling

there was something more

important hiding under the rant.

Something, well, you'll see.

Hey, why are you stopping?

I bought this phone at

the local mobile company,

and it doesn't work.

What's the problem?

I can't bypass this no

texting and driving slogan.

I'm riding a bike.

Don't think it can hear you.

Yeah, and they call these smartphones.

My god. [Laughs]

Here, I'll get it.

No, I've got it.

You think I'm too old to operate a phone?

Oh, my God.

So it wants me to sign this pledge

just so I won't text and drive.

I mean, what idiot came up with this idea?

Like that's gonna stop me from doing it

even if I know it's wrong?

I'll do it.

And you deal with it.

[upbeat music]

Here, I fixed it.

Now you can drive and text, ride and text,

whatever, without being alerted.

Oh, thank you.

Have fun crashing.

Wait, are you saying I'm old

and that's the reason I'm gonna crash?

[Arnold] Saying you're gonna

crash because you're texting.

No, I'm not crashing, okay?

Watch me!

-Just keep going.

-Heads up, car's coming.

That's okay.

Oh God, maybe you're right.

Damn it, oh, sh*t.

[Arnold] You all right?

[upbeat music]

Okay, you're right, it's

dangerous riding and texting.

But you can't tell me

you've never done it before.

Oh, I don't.

What do you do when you

get a text while you're driving?

I don't, I have my phone set up

so I don't receive texts when I'm driving.

I can set your phone up too.

Oh, no way, I am not signing the pledge,

and there's no way in hell I'm doing that.

I care about you.

I don't want you to do it.

When someone starts texting and calling me

and I don't wanna respond,

it's just easier to text,

even though I know it's not right.

You just respond when you're done driving.

You make it sound so simple.

It is.

Let's go to lunch.

[Arnold sighs]

[upbeat music]

[speaking in foreign language]

[Marcia] Why don't they make a pledge

that says no drinking before five?

Let's see how that goes.

Okay, I created the pledge.

What?

I'm the idiot who created

the pledge campaign,

and I was really proud of it.

Why didn't you tell me earlier?

Well, I wanted an honest

reaction, and I got one.

No, no, I mean, that was just me.

You know, I like doing the opposite thing.

A lot of people do.

You should have read

all the comments we got.

I'm so sorry, but I

thought you were a lawyer.

Yeah, I am.

I worked for a mobile phone company

and I helped create the pledge

to shield them from liability.

Other mobile phone

companies liked it and adopted it,

because texting and

driving really is a big problem.

You know what? It is.

Okay, I see those guys

going down the street

and they're winding like they're drunk

and instead, they're holding their phone.

Right?

Yeah, your... your pledge is really good.

Kind of, but people hate it. [Laughs]

Stop.

[indistinct]

-[glasses clink]

[upbeat music]

[silent dialogue]

I'm at my favorite wine place,

I cannot believe that they

make my favorite wine here.

This is wild.

It's like Marcia Disneyland.

Yeah, even better.

[man] So let's go for the first wine.

-Okay.

-So we're going to try

the [indistinct].

Okay.

That's excellent.

You like this type of wine?

I like it so much I can't

stop drinking it. [Laughs]

So I have my lovely guide Uri over there.

He's made a suggestion for

me to spit out my favorite wine.

Not gonna happen.

Mm. [Coughs]

Excuse me, excuse moi.

[Uri] Come on.

I took you in this special vineyard

never thinking you would

get drunk in a wine tour.

Oh, sorry, sorry.

I love the wine.

[director] Great, cut.

Moving on.

I'm going to pour some wine to the crew.

[speaking French]

-Marcia, please.

-I'm so sorry.

-It's time to go now.

-I'm not... I'm not drunk.

I have to do my standup.

[director] Alright, slate in, please.

Burgundy, take one, marker.

Bourgogne, God.[Indistinct]

Hi, I'm at Domaine de Charles,

and they have tons of

wine, and it's all really good.

And I had some.

You know, there's good

wine in the entire world.

There's good wine in

Turkey, I think Greece.

[director] You know what, Marcia?

Let's just try it again.

Get that magic.

Bour-gog-ne, take two, marker.

What?

Okay, I need some wine, please, Shannon?

You know what?

They're totally out of wine,

but I'll get you some water, okay?

How could they be out of wine?

Look at how much wine there is.

-It's France.

-Think every barrel's empty.

But there's that.

Oh my god, even the water is good.

[speaking French]



Okay, I am definitely not

texting and riding my bike.

Yeah, we're not riding bikes.

The car should be here soon.

Oh, I'm not... I'm not driving.

Correct, that's why we have a driver.

Goodnight!

Good.

Good stay.

Oh God, it's a nap that

goes through the night, guys.

I love you.

You're the best crew

that anybody could

have in the entire world.

I gotta stop.

Are you okay?

You seem to be having a tough day.

Yeah, I am so sorry for earlier.

It's just one of the

toughest days of the year.

What, why?

It's my D-B-M-H-B.

I'm not following you on that one.

The day before my half birthday.

Yeah, yep, everybody hates that.

No, and I feel like I'm getting old.

Yeah, but why the day

before your half birthday?

Because there's singing

and-and it's... it's fun.

Everybody celebrates it.

But it's the day before,

you feel like you're getting older.

People will sing to you

on your half birthday?

Yeah, it's a family tradition.

We do jokes and it's a blast.

It's just, you know, it's so obvious

on your actual birthday.

Oh my God, I gotta sleep.

Where is that car?

[Arnold] Hey, just-just give me one sec.

[Marcia] Okay.

I'll meet you in the lobby.

Don't move the sign, please.

[Arnold] You need a reminder?

Yeah.

Obviously, it isn't working.

[light music]

-Hey, bonjour.

-Marcia.

[speaking French]

I love you [indistinct].

Merci.

I love you too.[Marcia laughs]

So good to see you back.

[speaking French]

I'm off to dinner.

-I'll see you later.

-Okay, see you in a while.

Bye-bye, Marcia.[Light music]

I can't believe it, not one

message from the crew

from my half birthday.

You just said you didn't wanna be reminded

of getting older.

Yeah, but Nick could have texted me.

You never know. Day's not over.

Here we are, watch your head.

[all] Surprise!

Happy half birthday to you

Happy half birthday to you

Thank you, you remembered.

Aw![Clapping]

[Arnold] Surviving a birthday

is a big milestone in a relationship,

and we had done it, well,

for half of one at least.

Thank you so much

for putting this surprise

half birthday together.

I've never had that happen before.

Don't think many half. [Laughs]

[Arnold] All right.

Now that dealt with the age issue,

until next week, we

were off to South Africa,

a place I'd never been to

but was eager to explore.

See if you can guess what

Marcia found to fixate on there.

Hi, I'm Marcia Kimpton for

the American Abroad TV series,

and we're here at Boulder's Beach,

often called Penguin Beach.

Go figure.

[laughs] Look at them.

[Marcia] And here at the Cape of Good Hope

where the Atlantic and

the Indian Ocean meet,

you're reminded of all the boats

that never made it around this point.

If you want luxury,

the presidential suite at

12 Apostles is perfection.

Nelson Mandela never stayed here,

but he did change South

Africa and the world forever.

[upbeat music]

Who would ever eat ostrich?

I heard they're good.

Why are you eating like that?

Counting.

Counting what?

How many times I chew.

Why?

The chewing diet.

[Arnold] Ah, yes, the chewing diet.

Not to be confused with...

I did the Brussels sprouts and egg diet.

Oh, and then I did the

cayenne and goats milk diet.

I did the bagel diet.

Don't want that either.

I had to go to the doctor.

I couldn't move my jaw.

He told me I was chewing too much.

That is not a good diet.

Yeah, but it works.

When you can't chew, you don't eat bagels,

you don't eat anything, you lose a ton.



[Marcia] Hi, I'm Marcia Kimpton

for the American Abroad TV series,

and we're here at the Cape of Good Hope.

And the reason why it's called

that is because every boat

hoped it would make it

around this ferocious tip.

Normally, it is so windy here,

and many boats didn't make it.

One of the most famous

boats that we know about

is the Flying Dutchman,

and the legend has it

is there are ghosts out there

and people have seen

these seamen out there.

So I have to say that I

have never in my entire life

seen such a stunning coast as this.

And let's go and explore.

Cut. Uh, you good?

Marcia, you sure you

don't wanna say sailors

instead of seamen?

I guess, should we do it again?

Thought that was good.

Let's go take a look at the next shot.

We are in the Indian Ocean at Mussel Bay,

just outside Cape Town, South Africa.

Yeah, we are gonna see the great white!

[Arnold] I couldn't believe

Marcia was gonna get

into the water with a great white shark.

Oh god, here it is, here it is!

-No, no.

-[Arnold] Nope.

It doesn't seem safe.

Arnold, can you go?

What?

You-you just said it doesn't seem safe.

It's just not safe for me.

-[man] Hell yeah.

-All right, that'll be good.

Okay.

[water splashing]

You okay, Arnold?

[singing indistinctly]

[hair dryer blowing]

When I saw you down in that shark cage,

I lost my love for meat.

I mean, if I ate shark,

I'd literally be eating you

if a shark ate you.

God.

The odds of eating a

shark that ate a person

are probably really small.

Doesn't matter.

I can't risk being a cannibal.



[Arnold] Okay, so what diet now?

Well, I'm thinking vegetarian.

How am I gonna eat all

these beautiful plants?

[Arnold] Eat the ugly ones like carrots.

I know, but they all have energy.

I mean, maybe they feel it.

Plants don't feel.

Actually, plants do feel

when you rip 'em out.

-What?

-What?

Yeah, look it up, carrots scream.

My God, I hope he's wrong.

Did you know that carrots scream?

Yeah, like plants and vegetables, I think.

Did you just hear that?

Did you just hear that?

Marcia, it's on the internet.

It has to be true.

Not everything on the internet is true.

Not true.

It's not true, camera man.

[light music]

I'm impressed you're not drinking.

Yeah, you're really taking

this diet thing seriously.

Yeah.

So what are you gonna eat?

I don't know.

Hi, welcome back.

Nice to see you again.

Is it?

Uh, what can I get you?

Um, I don't know.

Arnold, will you go first?

I'll have the salmon, please.

Great.

And I'll have the rib eye.

Oh, oh, oh, wonderful.

[restaurant chatter]

Wow, the steak?

What kind of diet is that?

No, you know what?

Don't even tell me.

I'm just glad you figured it out.

[Waitress] Here we go.

[exhales]

You really like the smell of that.

Smells so good.

Are you gonna eat it or...

No, I'm just gonna smell it.

[sniffs]

I'm on the air diet.

It's kinda like a breatharian.

I have no idea what

either of those things are.

It tricks the mind into thinking you ate,

and then I don't have to

eat any animals or plants.

But they still had to k*ll

that cow to make the steak,

and they had to pull those vegetables.

I didn't think about that.

[Arnold] Desperate times

call for desperate measures.

So I got a little sneaky

and called her sister.

[Kat laughing]

[Kat] That's new.

No, it's not funny.

I'm worried she's gonna starve.

[Kat] She won't starve.

When she gets hungry enough, she'll eat.

You should be worried

about how sick she'll get

when she loses her will

and eats everything in sight.

-It's not pretty.

-Great.

[Kat] Just don't indulge her.

Eat everything she

likes right in front of her.

-She'll break.

-Thanks.

[Kat] Good luck.

[upbeat music]

[Arnold] Good morning.

No, it isn't.

I can't believe you're gonna eat

that big breakfast in front of me.

Oh no, no, I just wanted

to give you something good

to smell this morning.

Smelling diet didn't work.

I'm a fruitarian.

Oh, no?

Perfect.

A fruitarian only eats fruit

that has fallen off the tree.

Did that banana fall off?

-Yes.

-No, it didn't.

I can tell by the way you said that.

I mean, it could have.

I mean, maybe a monkey

knocked it off the tree.

Doubtful, so because I'm not gonna eat,

let's just go see the ostriches.

Can you believe ostrich meat

is the number one selling

meat in this country?

-Is it?

-I don't know.

I gotta get my facts straight

and get my head right,

and I'm gonna go get

an outfit for the ostriches.



I should have been a doctor.

How long do we have left?

My gosh.

Holy cow, take a look at that.

[upbeat music]

I guess this is Marcia

without a whole week's worth of food, huh?

Cameron, I'm ready.

Hi, we are at the Cape Town Ostrich Ranch,

where the ostriches showed up.

Oh, look at them.

I just wanna give you

a few facts about them.

They are the largest

bird with the largest eye.

Let's see.

They have three stomachs.

I'm sure they're full,

but not empty like mine.

It's a myth that they put

their head in the sand.

They don't.

Uh, let's see, what else?

What else?

Can't remember. [Cameraman] Marcia.

What?

[Marcia] They just look like

big steaks to make me feel like

I need to eat them, and

I don't even eat ostrich.

Can you believe it?

Who would ever eat an ostrich?

Marcia.

You guys, I think it's great.

We'll just edit it together.

Do you have any fruit?

Uh, certainly.

What kind would you like?

Well, just fruit that has

fallen off the tree or the vine.

Not any that's been picked, please.

Uh, I'll go check.

It's all right.

If they don't have anything,

you can smell my ostrich burger.

These would be yours.

They fell, right?

Yes, I asked.

And the machine that gathers the cherry

actually shakes the tree

and then picks up what falls.

They shook the tree?

I mean, the tree must have hated that.

As much as I'd love to have 'em,

could you please take 'em away?



You guys go ahead.

Eat.

[dramatic music]

Mm, so good, Marcia.

You got my attention, baby

I can't make a move

Like a child

Mm, hell, yeah.

It's good, right?

I cry a river

[Marcia] So good.

I thought you said you'd

never eat an ostrich?

They taunted me.

You know what? They're so dumb.

I'm only gonna eat dumb things now.

Better watch out, Reggie.

Huh?

[Arnold] Okay, no more diet stories.

Instead, bucket list time.

We got to go on a real life African safari,

which I was so stoked about.

It was the best.

I was also really happy to believe

that I was finally over the hump

and that I had made peace

with Marcia's quirkiest of quirks.

Instead, they led to one of the biggest,

most public arguments we'd ever had.

There you are, I...

-Shh.

[whispers] Sorry, I, uh...

-No, not quieter.

Stop talking.

I'm trying to channel the pleidians

so I can become enlightened.

The what?

Shh.

[playful music]

[Marcia] Pleiadians are

multidimensional spiritual beings

that come here to planet

Earth to assist us humans

in our spiritual transformation.

So you have easier access to the portal

because you are enlightened as a pleidian

in a previous life?

Exactly.

[birds chirping]

If you're enlightened, you're

not supposed to come back.

There goes your whole theory.

Are you ready, Marcia?

Oh, uh, let me just check

my makeup real quick.

It doesn't upset me.

I have complete bags underneath my eyes.

That's very enlightened.

One way to solve it.

Okay, I'm ready. Right over here.

We always wanna interview locals.

And we have Timothy.

He's a hotel guest relations.

Is it Aquilla or Aquila?

-It's actually Aquila.

-Well, you know,

I make problems all the time on camera.

-Thank you, Aquila.

-Well, yeah.

Aquila's basically just the Latin word

for the true black eagle.

Now, have you heard of the pleiadians?

Yes, actually I have.

-Actually, I have heard of it.

-Oh!

-A little bit.

-Where's Arnold?

Where's Arnold?

I wanna come back to Africa every year.

Every year, guys, it's safe.

[singing in foreign

language] -[upbeat music]

[Arnold] Oh, look at this exotic creature.

You wouldn't often see one

of these out here on Safari.

I can't tell, but it may be dangerous.

Yeah, that's definitely dangerous.

But I'm still oddly attracted to it.

I think I'm gonna risk it and approach.

Ah, that's a bad idea. [Laughs]

Okay, I'm a lioness.

-You know that.

-Oh, yeah?

Who told you that?

Oh, I don't know.

I just feel it.

What, enlightenment?

Ooh, look.

[birds chirping]

Oh my God, it's looking straight at me.

Well, you are an attractive lioness.

You know what I'm doing?

I'm gonna direct it over

there where I saw the water.

Let's see.

How are you gonna do that?

With my pleiadian energy light.

I thought you said enlightenment

didn't give you special powers.

No, sometimes it does.

[Marcia] Quiet.



See, it totally works.

Okay, that was cool but...

No, buts.

Accept it, have faith.

Us Pleiadians can connect with animals.

Okay, Marcia, you're not a Pleidian.

Not now, but I was.

Okay.

[light music]

[Marcia] Pleiadians, pleiadians.

Oh.

Oh.

Pleiadian.

[Arnold] I hate the pleiadians.

Thank you.

Arnold, I'm telling you.

The pleiadians visited last night.

I know it happened.

Okay, lucky for you.

But if-if they visit again,

please tell them not to visit me.

I need sleep.

Just tell the pleiadians, pleiadians,

whoever they are, to just leave us alone.

I have no control over this.

If I travel there or they visit,

I live in the fifth dimension.

I live in the third dimension.

But if you wanna fly off to

the fifth, that's fine by me.

No, it's not about flying off.

It's about bringing the

fifth dimensional light

into your body and

holding it like a portal.

So if I wake in the middle of the night,

you'll still be there?

-Yeah.

-Thank it.

Arnold, it's true.

[feathers rustling]

-Ah!

Oh my God, they have this beautiful peacock

here in Aquila to open up.

Could you-could you

just turn a little bit more?

Arnold, where are you?

That's pleiadian energy.

Oh, thank you, thank you.

[feathers rustling]

-Morning, guys.

-Hey, Marsh.

[crew] Morning.

I'll tell you more in the jeep.

You mind if I join you guys?

Hey, man, hop in.

What? Why aren't you going into the jeep?

Marcia, don't make a big deal of this

in front of everybody.

Are you testing my enlightenment?

Because if so, that's really rude.

No, no, I just need space.

Why?

Later, everybody's watching.

No, not later.

I-this is gonna screw up my filming.

Let's just go in our separate jeeps

and then we can talk after.

No, I am not moving until you tell me why.

Okay, you wanna do

this in front of everyone?

Sure.

[nature sounds]

Alright, everybody, listen up.

I don't believe in

pleiadians, Stargates, portals,

fifth dimensions, whatever.

I don't care who else believes.

I am not gonna change my mind.

And I honestly hope I never

hear about pleiadians again.

You happy?

I tell you my pleiadian truth

about enlightenment to enlighten you,

and this is what I get?

I have given you every

polite hint I could muster.

But you will not stop talking about them.

You talked about 'em in

your sleep, for God's sakes.

So they did visit.

Marcia.

Okay, go to the jeep.

I'm sorry.

Never would talk about

pleiadians ever again.

Don't worry, they don't exist.

You don't know what it's like!

You don't know what

it's like to love somebody.

To love somebody.

Like I love you.

What is it like?

It's exhausting.

Have fun.

[car door slams]

But it's really fun.

Most of the time.

Sometimes.

[light music]

[Arnold] There's something

about getting into nature

that makes me realize just

how timeless the world is,

while simultaneously,

how much of a blip we are

in the history of the cosmos.

I may think the pleiadians are a joke,

but I suppose that doesn't make me right.

Ultimately, I suppose it's

those types of challenges

that I find rewarding in life and in love.

I'm really sorry.

I'll never bring up the pleiadians again.

I'm sorry too.

I was... I was just tired.

I shouldn't have lashed out.

I think it's great that you're

trying to be more enlightened.

Aw, thanks.



[Arnold] I was pleasantly surprised

how quickly we recovered

from one of our biggest arguments yet.

But I soon found out that the battle

for enlightenment was far from over.

[man] Welcome to Pafuri.

This is Devon, your guide.

Nice to meet you.

-Welcome, Marcia.

-This is...

-Welcome, Arnold.

-So beautiful.

[nature sounds]

[Arnold] I can't wait for tomorrow.

I don't know how anything can top Aquila,

but, man, actually walking the bush

with nothing separating you

and the animals and nature,

gonna be incredible.

All right, I'm gonna go

get cleaned up for dinner.

I'll catch you there.

Okay, see you in a bit.

[Arnold] Yep.

[phone keys clicking]

[Marcia sighs]

[water splashing]

[Marcia] Gosh, I feel like I

could just look at the elephants

all day long.

Well, aren't you excited for tomorrow?

-Not really.

-Okay.

Honestly, I just wanna stay at the lodge.

That's what I need to do.

I don't get it, you've been so excited

to film The Walking Safari.

Yeah, I don't feel it anymore.

I think you have to.

Do I? Who decided that?

Martin, your producer,

the Dutch billionaire

who funds your show An American Abroad?

[sighs] Okay.

I'm scared.

I told you now, okay?

Are you happy?

No. [Chuckles]

But there's nothing to be scared of.

What happened to enlightenment,

trusting the universe, all that?

But this is Africa, in the wild, walking.

I think I was a nurse

before in the boar w*r,

and I was eaten by lions.

Lions are really hard to spot out here,

so it probably won't happen again.

But they are there.

[clicks tongue]

[Arnold] Let's just enjoy the dinner.

[light music]

All righty, guys.

Two minutes, ready to go?

I'm sorry, the pleiadians

didn't visit last night,

and I'm just not feeling enlightened yet.

Hey, hey, no.

You don't need the pleiadian.

You're the most enlightened person I know.

But you don't have to try

so hard to be enlightened.

It's giving you anxiety,

and that is the opposite

of what you're going for.

Like you bring light to

everyone around you.

The crew, the people you interview,

they all leave laughing and brighter.

And this show is gonna

reach millions and do the same.

[Marcia groans]

I know you've made me better.

Really?

Yeah.[Marcia chuckles]

You have brought me more

joy and light than anybody.

Aw.

That's so nice of you, thank you.

All right, let's go.

No.

[nature sounds]

Wait, you're... you're still not going?

No.

I... I can't believe this.

What do you want me to tell the crew?

It's beautiful out there.

Just take some scenic shots,

and I'm gonna go meditate on it.

Have fun.

[elephant bellows]

[bellowing continues]



-[Arnold] Hey.

-Hi.

How'd it go?

Oh, it was incredible.

So cool.

I did miss having you out there though.

-Mm.

-How about you?

Did your meditation go well?

Mm.

Are you coming tomorrow?

I'm coming.

Hey, yeah, that's great.

So it worked, your

meditation changed your mind.

Sort of.

What do you mean?

Well, cameraman called the producer,

and now I have to go because

they found out I wasn't going.

[laughs] Hey, trust me.

No matter what, you won't regret it.

[upbeat music]

[Marcia] This is so beautiful.

It's amazing!

So you do like it?

Yes!

Why would I never wanna go?

Let's not get into that.

Yeah, but I missed a whole entire day.

You should have convinced me.

I, uh. [Chuckles]

Thank you, Africa.

Hi, I'm Marcia Kimpton,

and we're here at the Kruger National Park.

And let me tell you,

this place is so large,

it is almost the size of Israel.

And I am about to do a walking safari

with an amazing guide named Devon Myers.

And he's from African Born Safaris.

Normally, when you go on a safari,

you have the expectation

of seeing the big five.

And that's in a fenced region, okay?

It's a game reserve.

Not here in Pafuri.

This is all the wild.

Every animal is free,

and you don't know where they're gonna be.

They travel between three countries:

South Africa, Zimbabwe, and Mozambique.

And last night, we saw a leopard.

So come to Pafuri!

Did I get it, guys?

That was great.

[upbeat music]

Marcia, are you

Oh, sorry.

-It's okay, you can talk.

-Really?

You always shush me when

I interrupt your meditation.

Not anymore.

Talking, nothing.

Honestly, nothing bothers me anymore.

-Really?

-Yeah, 'cause I did it.

Oh, you got enlightened again?

Yeah, this time for real.

Last time, I was just close.

Is that hat part of your enlightenment?

Oh, I completely forgot I had it on.

[beeps]

Why are you wearing a watch on safari?

I don't know, I like it.

Seems kind of unnecessary.

This doesn't disrupt your peace, does it?

No, no, it doesn't bother me, I'm fine.

[upbeat music]

[watch beeping]

Why do you keep on looking at that?

We're on safari.

The beauty's out there.

Can't help it.

It's amazing how many steps we're taking

and how many calories we're burning.

Your watch tells you that?

Yep.

How?

Uh, sensors.

They measure your steps and heart rate.

Who cares?

Oh, I do, I have a minimum

I need to meet each day.

According to who?

The watch.

Can't you just feel it with

your own body and brain

instead of looking at that watch?

[Arnold] Yeah, of course,

but it wouldn't be as accurate.

Radiation is pulsating through your body.

We're electrical beings.

Our cells are affected by electricity.

It's like I'm walking around

with my own antenna.

Oh, cool.

You'll always know you have cell service

when you're with me.

-[Marcia] Oh my God.

That's why I'm not sleeping at night.

I've got my own EMF tower

next to me, lying in my bed.

Is this bothering you?

No.

No, it's not bothering me at all.

I'm just... I'm just

looking out for you guys.

Alrighty, guys, welcome back.

Well done.

-Thank you, Devon.

-Thank you.

It was amazing.

I just have a boyfriend

that's an electrical tower next to me.

Yeah, anyone needs cell service?

Just come this way.

Anyone but you.

[light music]

Mm, this food is amazing.

I know, I told you the Pafuri camp

has the best meals ever.

-Thank you.

-Thank you.

[watch beeps]

What's wrong?

Ah, nothing, I'm just done.

But you just said the food was amazing.

Yeah, it is.

So why are you leaving one bite?

I didn't burn enough calories to eat it.

What?

We were walking all day.

I ate a lot.

And my food intake needs to match

the calories that I've worked off.

Okay, it's one bite.

It's a big bite.

-Are you full?

-Well, sort of.

I mean, you're either

fat or you're not fat.

You just look in the mirror.

You don't need that watch

telling you how to feel.

This is a great tool.

Will you just eat that bite for me?

[sighs]

Hmm, so good.

[watch beeping]

What are you doing?

I'm just burning the rest of my calories.

You're doing that all because of one bite?

Not just that, but yeah.

Can't you just walk it off?

In the safari at night?

True.

Gotta burn enough calories

to match my food intake.

And done.[Watch beeps]

Okay, didn't even take that long.

You know, you could have fooled around

and burned calories that way.

Didn't really think about that.

Would've been a lot more fun.

And then you could

have had dessert tonight.

Oh yeah, maybe I'll just

have a big breakfast tomorrow.

[light music]

[Arnold] We had been through

enough ups and downs at this point

that I felt our relationship

had moved to the next level.

After she stole my watch,

I decided it was my turn

to see if she'd put up with my crap.

It was a risk, but there's

no sense in delaying

the inevitable and not

showing her who I really was.

You look happy today.

I am.

Why were you late this morning?

Oh, yeah, I couldn't find my shoes.

Yeah, you need shoes for a walking tour.

[sighs] How many calories did you burn?

I don't know, I haven't even looked once.

I know you don't like it,

and I want to honor that,

because you are such an amazing woman.

Aw.

Oh, no, you can do it.

It doesn't bother me.

Really?

Yeah, nothing bothers me anymore.

That's right.

Qualities of enlightenment.

All right, I'm gonna hold you to that.

[watch beeps]

[Marcia] And so we've been

walking for over three days.

It's been stunning, we've

seen so many animals

and we feel so safe.

It is one of the safest things to do.

I highly recommend this.

I just have to ask you

one important question.

How many steps do you think we take?

Not sure, probably about 10,000

per morning, maybe 15,000.

Okay, do you really need

a watch to figure that out?

No, not really, no.

I wear a watch, but it only tells the time.

Okay, great.

Got it, guys?

[clicks tongue]

-[snaps fingers]

[watch beeping]

Oh, this isn't disrupting

your peace, is it?

No. [Sighs]

[beeps]

-Oh boy, yeah.

I gotta get a lot more steps in.

Excuse me.

[nature sounds]

What is he doing?

[Marcia] He's counting calories.

You can do that on these things?

I just play video games.

[Marcia] Okay, you guys.

[electronic sounds]

-[chuckles]

Hey guys, let's move on, come on.

And back out, all right.

Yeah, look, it's really good. [Laughs]

[playful music]

Hey, what's wrong?

Nothing.

I am so great.

Oh, me too.

Loved that lunch.

Yeah, I could tell you really loved it.

You ate half of mine.

I'm exhausted though.

Hmm, well, you should be.

You've ran in circles half the time.

I don't think I slept well last night.

What makes you say that?

I lost my watch while I was

sleeping, so I don't know.

You're wearing it right now.

Well, I have one watch for when I'm awake

and then one watch for when I sleep.

What?

Who has a separate sleep watch?

Well, my wake watch

charges while I wear sleep one.

Arnold, just take it off.

Then I won't know how I slept.

Arnold, I'm tired.

Why don't you come to bed?

No, no, I'm not sleeping until I find it.

It's gotta be here somewhere.

Fine, I'll help you look.

[bag rustling]

I found it.

What, where was it?

It was just over there.

It must have fallen off.

Huh.

Could have sworn I looked over there.

Not hard enough, apparently.

Well, you found that really quickly.

Enlightened people kind of,

you know, they're highly intuitive.

Just figured it out.

Did you take my watch?

Yes.

Hey, it's okay.

What?

I know you took my watch.

-What?

-Come on.

Nobody can sleep through that,

and you are anything but quiet.

I saw you looking at your watch all day,

going in circles, eating all of my food.

Hey, you stole my watch.

I'll steal both of them next time.

What if I had thrown it away?

I didn't think you would.

And if you did, I got a backup.

You're not funny at all.

Yeah, little bit.

If it really bothers you

so much, I'll get rid of it.

[Marcia chuckles]

Would you be willing to get

rid of your metal detector?

No, no way.

Fine, keep 'em.

But next time, I get to eat your dessert.

Deal.

My watch would probably

tell me not to eat it anyway.

[laughing]

[nature sounds]

Have you seen my watch charger?

No.

[bag rustling]

[Arnold] And thus ended

the great watch debacle.

I was being a punk, sure.

I couldn't let her have all the fun.

But let's wrap this up, shall we?

We're approaching

the end of our trip, sadly,

and would have to part ways after Lisbon.

We are here in the stunning

city of Lisbon, Portugal,

where it reminds me a lot of

San Francisco with the hills,

the trolley, the wind, and the

gorgeous bridge behind me.

And the history here is quite impressive.

But you know what I love most

about Portugal are the people.

They always have such a friendly smile.

[Arnold] So we were finally

on the last leg of our adventure.

So much travel, so many different hotels,

and so many room numbers.

[door knocking]



[Marcia] Oh, good God.

Things not working out with Arnold?

No, great.

I just... I thought this was my room.

You don't know where your room is, huh?

You know how many hotel rooms

we've been in and how many cities?

I mean...

-You can go down

to the front desk and figure it out though.

No, I'm finding Arnold.

Hey, is everything okay?

[Marcia] Oh, I just-I can't find my room.

Reggie?

Uh, do you need something?

Uh, no, I'm fine.

I just... I don't know

my room, but have fun.

Ugh.

-Oh God.

-Marcia, come on.

Oh, look, I write the number of the room

right here on the key sleeve.

[upbeat guitar music]

[Marcia] I feel like San Francisco

almost copied from Lisbon,

[woman] but I... I think the

bridge maybe in San Francisco...

Yeah, the Golden Gate Bridge.

How do you say a Lisbon person?

-Lisboa, Lisboa.

-Lisboa.

Yeah, like the cuisine

and also the architecture

and everything around.

This arch and the architecture.

That looks like a traditional costume.

Wanna go over there and give them a hug?

How you doing?

Oh my God, there you are.

Hi!

Isn't it a little hot in there?

-Of course it's hot, yeah.

-You'll be hot all day

to make people smile.

Look, I love people like you.

You're my type of person.

-Thank you.

-Tell you, it's so great.

[Arnold] I'm not sure what I expected

out of this last leg of the trip,

but what did happen was more

than I could have hoped for.

[phone ringing]

Don't fall on your head.

I gotta take this.

What's up?

[Marcia] I can't believe

I'm gonna say this.

You went shark diving and you lost an arm?

[Kat] Arnold lost an arm, he lost a leg.

-No.

-Arnold turned vegan.

You're fighting over your love of meat.

Something's wrong with you.

[Kat] Yeah, many things.

All right, I'm out of guesses, what's up?

I'm in love with Arnold.

Did you just say the I-word?

[Marcia] Yeah, I can't believe it.

You know how hard it is

for me to open my heart.

[Kat] It's only happened

twice in your life.

Jim, Christian, and now Arnold.

[Marcia] Yeah.

[Kat] Why does his name have to be Arnold?

-Stop.

-Have you told him?

[Marcia] No, that's the hard part.

He has to say it first.

[Kat] Yeah, good call, careful.

Love's a funny thing.

You think you're in love,

then they don't turn

their socks right side out

when they put 'em in the laundry.

[Marcia] What?

Can I give you some advice for, no,

after Arnold tells you he loves you?

[Marcia] You are so much

better at relationships than me.

Don't marry him.

Why?

Should only get married for the kids.

Stop taking the romance

out of this amazing moment in my life.

[Kat] You think you

love all these tiny quirks,

then all of a sudden, he's

farting on you all night long.

You fantasize about getting a divorce,

then you wanna be a l*sbian.

Kat, you gotta stop projecting on me.

I mean, this is the biggest emotional step

I've taken in a long while.

I'm sorry, this pandemic is getting to me.

Being with the same person

24/7, especially a man.

[Marcia] Stop, sorry.

All right, I better get back to him.

We're in this amazing city of Lisbon,

staying at this great hotel, Torel.

[Kat] Take a picture.

Can't wait to meet him in 10 years

when this quarantine is over.

[upbeat music]

[Arnold] Mmm.

Are you enjoying the ice cream?

So good.

So you would say you'd love it?

That's definitely some

of the best I've had.

I love it.

Oh, good.

Glad we got some.

[traffic noise]

So many tiles going

to making this building.

Yeah, a lot of love went into it.

[Arnold] It's a lot of

work, but totally worth it.

So you love it?

It's great.

This is interesting neon art.

It's lovely.

Do you love it?

Yeah, I think it would

look great on a wall.

What's... what's going on?

It's just that I just got a text.

Oh, it's from my sister.

[phone keys clicking]

[phone chimes]

[Arnold] What's happening? What'd she say?

She's coming to Portugal.

Oh my gosh, that's great.

-Mmm.

-Or not?

Yeah, no, it's... it's gonna be great.

I wanna see her.

I... I thought she was staying

locked down for COVID.

She was.

What made her change her mind?

She wants to meet you.

Wow.

Can't believe that got

her out of her house.

Kind of a lot of pressure.

No, you'll be fine.

Yeah, sure I'll love her.

[soft piano music]

[Arnold] I Feel like we've

grown a lot on this trip.

Yeah, it's been great

and I'm so glad you came.

Kind of sad it's all gonna be over.

I love the show and I love traveling, but...

Yeah, not a late night show.

No, and I feel so ungrateful

saying that, you know?

You talk about how grateful

you are for it every day,

but a dream is a dream.

[Marcia] Yeah.

You never know what could happen.

And hey, I get to meet

your sister tomorrow.

How great is that?



Oh!

Hi.

-Oh.

-Hi, Kitty Kitty.

Oh, don't call me that, I hate that.

-I know.

-It's a pleasure to meet you.

Oh.

Oh, good firm hug.

Mmm. Works out, symmetrical face, sort of.

Thanks.

Good to meet you, Arny.

It's Arnold.

Arny didn't work out.

Well, that's a point against you.

-Kat!

-What, sorry.

[Marcia groans]

So what are your intentions with my sister?

She's joking.

You know, she's really funny, right?

So funny.



[Kat] Speaking of which,

Marcia used to interview

our parents' friends.

Everyone thought she

was so funny and clever.

She's weird.

I know.[Kat laughs]

Okay, you guys have some fun here, okay?

I have to go up to the

room, I forgot something.

You gonna go rub that weird

claw thing on your head?

-[Marcia] Maybe.

-Uh-huh.

[Kat chuckling]

So seriously, what are your intentions?

[Arnold] Then came the interrogation.

-Share bathrooms.

-Yes.

-Do you do your own laundry?

-I can.

Do you turn your socks right side out

before you put 'em in the laundry?

Of course.

You weird things in your sleep?

I don't know 'cause I'm sleeping.

Can you cook, you do the dishes?

Clean kitchen is very important.

How do you feel about astrology?

-Nonsense.

-Psychics?

I think they're just making it all up.

Are you lying right now?

Because if not, you

should marry me instead.

N... no.

No, you won't marry

me or no, you're not lying.

Uh, both.

Aren't-aren't-aren't you married?

Yes, that was a test.

[phone ringing]

Ah, sorry.

Um, yeah, I got... I just gotta

take this real quick, sorry.

Who is it?

It's, uh, just work stuff.

I'll be right back.

Hey.

Yeah.

[muffled] No, just let me see.

What'd you do to him?

Nothing.

He's on a "work" call.

What's for the air quotes?

He hesitated when I asked who it was.

Are you sure he's not married?

I assume so. I never asked him.

Always ask.

Kat, you gotta stop.

I know you wanna protect me, okay?

But it's a fine line between protecting

and sabotaging my relationship.

I'm not sabotaging.

What'd you do, grill him?

Isn't that why you went to the bathroom?

Yeah, so?

He's great.

So great, in fact, I asked him to marry me.

-What?

-It was a test.

He passed, he said no.

I hope so.

Would you fly here just to judge him?

What do you think?

He could be great for you.

But maybe not.

That's the worst advice I've ever heard of.

Well, he's sweet and he totally adores you.

But you guys are living in a fantasy world.

You're just going from hotel to hotel

and everything's paid for.

What happens when real life hits?

It's very different.

Well, maybe this is the life that I'll have

and it'll continue.

I've seen you open your

heart and have it get broken.

I know you love him,

but that's only gonna make it harder

if this doesn't work out.

Don't say anything until

you're real life tested,

and until you find out what

that phone call is all about.

[Arnold] Alright, cool.

Yeah, I'll talk to you then.

Um, Marcia, you go in. I'll be right there.

-Okay.

-Okay.



Hello.

I just love the Portuguese food.

This restaurant looks amazing.

He'll-he'll-he'll know what I mean.

Okay, and tell him to

please, please keep quiet.

I... I don't want her to

know anything until we're...

I gotta go, bye.

Tell me what's going on

right now or so help me,

I will kick you in the ba*ls.

You shouldn't have told me that

'cause now I'm just gonna defend myself.

It's not funny.

Where's Marcia?

Checking out the restaurant.

You have three seconds

to tell me what's going on.

Good, 'cause I need

your opinion on something.

It's a little late.

I... I'll try to come back tomorrow.

[Marcia sighs]

What is going on?

Every time I leave the

two of you guys, he's gone.

You can tell him.

Tell him what?

The I word, if you want.

What, what?

What did he say?

Oh, it's k*lling me.

-I can't tell you.

-Yeah, you can.

And we'll just pretend he doesn't know.

No, no, you guys are

going out for a nice dinner.

He has a surprise and it is awesome.

Oh, come on.

Why did he tell you?

I threatened to kick him in the ba*ls.

You gotta stop doing that.

It works.

-Come on, go get ready. Go get ready!

-Oh, God.

[Kat] No, really good.

-Leopoldo.

-Hello.

-Hi.

-Your table is there.

-Thank you.

-Enjoy.

Hey, tell me.

I... I wanna know this.

I've been waiting for so long.

Okay, I know you don't love Martin.

Oh, that's putting it lightly.

You love doing this show

but it's not your dream.

I was thinking,

maybe I could help you get your dream back.

A late night show?

That is your dream, right?

Yeah, um, that's so sweet,

but Hollywood and most

of the world think I'm old.

Have you seen some of

the men that do late night?

I'm a woman.

Have you seen any of them?

That's true, but they also

would say a woman like you

couldn't do a show like this,

and An American Abroad is k*lling.

Yeah, but I have a

contract and I have no time.

We can do the show, the

late night show in Amsterdam,

and then when we're

sh**ting An American Abroad,

we can go to the best rock and roll clubs

and sh**t your late night show.

All I wanna do is interview.

-Totally.

-Oh my God.

But it costs money.

You know, I spent all my savings

when I put the crew on a yacht to Patmos.

We don't need your money.

I wanna fund your show.

What?

[restaurant chatter]

Arnold, you can't quit your job.

I'm so sick of legal work.

I will happily give that up.

Look, I know a lot of people

and I've made a lot of calls

and run all the numbers.

I mean, why... why do you

think I've been dodging you

on my phone for the past week?

Are you serious?

I'm as serious as I am about you.

I love you, Marcia.

Oh my god.

Arnold, I love you.

Excuse me, here you go.

You know what?

Can we get a bottle of champagne?

What kind of champagne?

-Your finest.

-Okay.

Uh, no, second finest, please.

-Very well.

-That's why

I have savings and you don't.

[both laughing]

To your late night show.

To our late night show.

[glass clinking]



[Arnold] So that was it.

We produced and delivered

the first episode of her dream show,

and we did it in one of

her favorite locations,

South Africa.

Welcome to Bright Lights Late Night.

I'm your host, Marcia Kimpton.

Let's get this party started.

[Arnold] It was great

getting to see her shine.

She got to do interviews

with artists and musicians

and writers and other

people who just love to create

and make the world a better place.

And I got to have a part in that

and spend my life

with her while she did it.

What more could I ask for?

And...

I've had this dream for

a very, very long time,

and my dream was always

is to showcase artists,

'cause I'm an artist, and it shows

that there are no boundaries

between race, culture, religion, nothing.

We are all united through

the arts and it's eternal.

So let's end with some music.

Let's do it.

[singing in foreign language]

[bright music]

Thursday night [indistinct]

Trouble passed these dudes

But a man in the Car is saying no way

[singing indistinctly]



[music ends]