02x08 - Get Out of Dodgeball

[bunniefuu]

- [whistles] - Come on!

- [whistles] - Come on!

It's picture time!

[upbeat music]

♪ In the Loud house ♪

♪ The really Loud house ♪

[bell rings]

[sighs] We did it.

It's done.

The reason Clyde and I are celebrating

is because on any other day from : to :,

we'd be suffering through gym class.

What do you think we're doing today?

[whistle blows]

I'm going to go with dodgeball.

But not today.

Because for the last year and a half,

Clyde and I have been on an unrelenting quest to eliminate

gym from the school schedule.

You name it, we've tried it.

OK.

I've hacked into the Royal Woods

school district mainframe.

- Can we take care of the-- - Oh.

Here's my birthday check from Pop-Pop.

Easiest $ I've ever made.

What do you want me to do?

Remove your absences?

Put you on the honor roll?

Special passes so you can poop in the teachers' lounge?

Eliminate gym class from our school schedule.

That's above my pay grade.

Where's the moolah?

Where's the voodoo doll?

What do you want me to do to Coach Keck?

Temporary blindness, swollen ankles,

give her the head of a chipmunk?

We just want her to be temporarily

unavailable to teach gym.

We were thinking tonsillitis, appendicitis.

Any of the -itises will do.

Or maybe just a bad cold.

I'm not going to waste my voodoo on something she

can beat with orange juice.

That voodoo stuff probably doesn't even work anyway.

Wrong.

[dramatic music]

Ah!

Please stop!

- You can keep this. Thank you.

Thank you.

Then we finally talked to the one true visionary

in the family.

It's called a vision board.

You write up what you want, and it just happens.

See, this is me on a unicorn in Paris.

This is me on a date with Timothée Chalamet.

And this is me on a unicorn with Timothée Chalamet outside

of Paris.

Ooh, watch this.

Peach pie.

Hey, does anyone want a piece of my famous peach pie?

[cash register dings]

Impressive.

[upbeat music]

The vision board worked.

Our gym teacher, Coach Keck, came down with shingles.

Or should I say, the shingles came down on her

when the gym roof collapsed.

[clattering, birds chirping]

[groans]

Gym getting canceled was the best thing

that ever happened to us.

Sure, there were a few bumps in the road.

Without dodgeball, school bullies had

more time for other things.

We should totally play that new game when we get home.

Give us your lunch, nerds.

Luckily, Clyde and I know how to adapt.

Right on time.

Here you go, guys.

Tuna on rye.

And PB and J with the crusts cut off.

Excellent choice, Bruce.

Remember to get your orders in by :

for tomorrow's lunches.

See you tomorrow, nerds.

Yep.

Clyde and I couldn't be stopped.

Our luck just kept rolling.

Good thing they didn't ask for my wallet.

Two tickets to Rip Hardcore's One-in-a-Lifetime Annual

Wild Animal Spectacular?

Yep.

- Isn't this cool? - Awesome!

Yeah.

That's where I did my speech over there.

Let's go to our seats.

Oh, yeah.

[rock music]

Do you know what time it is?

all: Hawk cam time!

That's right!

We planted a microchip camera into the eye of a hawk.

[hawk screeches]

[wings flapping]

both: Awesome!

[hawk screeches]

[gasps]

both: Not awesome.

[hawk screeches]

[crowd shouting]

[screams]

[clothes ripping]

That's not good.

My finger.

It was kind of cool to see a hawk so close-up.

Not for that one kid behind us.

I'm just glad they found most of his fingers.

I feel like it's our fault Rip's hawk attacked that kid.

We didn't tell him to attack him.

He was going after those corn dogs.

Right.

But we threw our corn dogs in his lap.

The fact is, corn dogs are delicious.

If we had been eating any other food,

the hawk wouldn't have gone for him.

Why did we have to be eating corn dogs?

Because we can't resist them, and neither could the hawk.

No, this isn't our fault, Clyde.

If it's anyone's fault, it's the guy

who invented the corn dog.

If you make something that delicious,

eventually a hawk is going to bite

an innocent kid's fingers off.

- What's up, little rippers? - Yeah.

- It's me. - Who's this guy?

Rip Hardcore.

You're not Rip Hardcore.

That's right.

The one and only Rip Hardcore, baby.

Oh, yeah!

Rip!

I can't believe they replaced Rip Hardcore.

And it's all our fault.

I'll tell you this--

I'm never eating another corn dog again.

After this one, of course.

These things are delicious.

[munching]

[dumpster clangs]

Hey!

Trying to eat here!

both: Rip Hardcore?

Sorry you boys have to see me this way.

It's been a long, rough road since I lost my show.

Didn't it just happen yesterday?

They can't do this to you.

You're Rip Hardcore.

I was Rip Hardcore.

The studio owns that name.

And they took it back, along with my apartment,

my car, and my hawk, who never hurt anybody.

Except for that one kid.

Showbiz is a cruel mistress.

One day, you're Rip Hardcore, and the next,

you're Stanley Bunch.

Your name is Stanley Bunch?

Yeah.

I'm Stanley Bunch, trying to make a salad in a dumpster.

We can help you.

Yeah.

There's a tomato right by your left foot.

I was thinking a bit bigger, Clyde.

All I ever wanted was to be loved!

[sobbing]

Rip Hardcore sure has been crying a long time.

[sobs]

He does everything hardcore.

He laughs hardcore.

He cries hardcore.

[farts]

He farts into our couch cushions hardcore.

His real name is Stanley Bunch.

That's sad.

Smells so sad.

Does he have a vision board?

I'm going to go talk to him.

And that fart has traveled.

I guess he really ripped one.

[chuckles]

- Oh, no. - No.

- But I-- - No, Dad.

All right.

Let's go to bed.

[sobbing]

How are you doing, Rip?

- [sobs] My name isn't Rip anymore.

Call me Stanley.

[sobbing]

They may be able to take away your name,

but they can't take away your pride.

No matter how hard life hits you, you hit it back harder!

You know who told us that?

No.

You did.

- [sobbing] Oh.

He's got to stop sooner or later.

[sobbing]

Clyde, do you hear that?

I don't hear anything.

Exactly.

Rip stopped crying.

Maybe we should go check on him.

Stanley?

Stanley?

[door creaks]

Stanley's gone.

[grunts]

What's happening?

I'll tell you what's happening.

I thought about what you said about what I said,

and I was right.

When life punches you in the face, you punch back harder.

[grunts]

Rip Hardcore's back!

[both laugh]

I still don't have anywhere to live.

So I'm going to need to post up here

for the foreseeable future.

Now, who wants to go catch a wolf

while the moon is still up?

[howls]

I live with Rip Hardcore!

No, we live with Rip Hardcore.

For the foreseeable future.

[Hootie & The Blowfish's "Only Wanna Be With You"]

♪ ♪

Living with your hero is a dream come true.

We were three best friends.

♪ ♪

Everything was bigger.

♪ You and me we come from different worlds ♪

And nothing was impossible.

Syrup!

[leaves rustling]

[syrup sloshing]

both: Pizza pancakes?

Awesome!

It's honorable to use the whole tree.

[horn honks]

Oh, no.

We're going to miss the bus!

Don't worry, boys.

[dramatic music]

Rip's got your back.

[tires screeching]

♪ You and me we come from different worlds ♪

Just a few more minutes.

♪ You like to laugh at me ♪

I'm literally holding this with one finger right now.

Just thought you should know.

[bell rings]

Where's our lunch, nerds?

Well, there's a little mix-up.

Today we decided we're going to pack you a couple

of knuckle sandwiches.

You guys are dead meat.

Are they?

[cracks knuckles]

- Let's get out of here. - That's guy's huge.

You know I can't legally punch those kids, right?

Everything was going our way.

They're so cute.

Boys wanted to be us, and girls

finally wanted to talk to us.

You're so cute.

And we still didn't have to go to gym class.

Looking good, Coach Keck.

[groans]

[cheerful music]

♪ ♪

Clyde, I don't want to jinx it,

but I think we're on a permanent roll.

We can't live with Rip anymore.

- Because-- - He's too awesome?

Yes, it's because he's too awesome.

If his IQ hits , he should sell.

I have a hard enough time keeping food

in this house with kids.

[upbeat music]

♪ ♪

What?

You asked Rip to put them away.

Rip put them away.

And Rip's misunderstanding of basic idiomatic phrases

isn't the only problem.

He's a flat-earther.

"When I walk, it's flat.

When I put down my dumbbells, they don't roll away."

You think that's bad?

[rock music]

♪ ♪

[channels switching]

[liquid sloshes]

I mean, would it k*ll this guy to wear a shirt?

What are you, the shirt police?

Are you wearing fake eyelashes?

No.

OK, someone needs to talk to Rip.

He keeps taking my makeup mirror,

and I need my makeup mirror to do my makeup.

You look fine.

[dramatic music]

And I think he stole my fake eyelashes.

I'm the man of the house.

I'm going to put my foot down.

He has got to go.

Hey there, Rip-a-Dee-Doo-Dah.

Looking good, big guy.

[chuckles] Mi casa es su casa.

[chuckles] He's got to go.

- The guy lost everything-- - his job, his apartment.

When we found him, he was eating

salad out of a dumpster.

Look, he's a grown man.

He needs to put on his big-boy pants--

And shirt.

get a job, and get back on his feet.

And accept the physical laws of the universe.

Well, Clyde, I guess we should put on our boots,

because these people want us to kick a man while he's down.

I'd expect more from the creator of Charity Week.

I was raised to use these arms for hugging,

not pushing people away.

So we're not going to force that beautiful man

to get a job.

We're going to nurture him for as long as he needs.

[gentle music]

[sniffles]

- Hey, Rip. - How you doing?

- Good. - Great.

Grand. Wonderful.

Extraordinarily happy.

And it's all because of you two.

I'm going to pay you back so good.

Rip, we don't want your money.

Good, because I don't have any.

I'm going to train you for free.

When I'm through with you guys, you're going to be lean,

mean, middle school machines.

Rip, that's not necessary.

Yeah, we're good.

It's already been decided.

Now drop down and give me !

Push-ups?

- No. - Fish-ups.

They're like push-ups, but over a tank

of bloodthirsty piranhas.

Don't be scared!

Rip was determined to pay us back.

And when he sets his mind to something, he goes all out.

[alarm clock rings]

[both yelling]

Wakey, wakey.

The dream of living with our hero suddenly

turned into a nightmare.

To increase our cardio, Rip no longer

- protected us from the bullies. - Get back here!

You're dead meat!

We're not done with you yet!

The boys no longer wanted to be us.

I don't want them to come near me.

And the girls ended their brief interest

in talking to us.

Eww.

[dramatic music]

♪ ♪

Let's get that man a job.

Yes!

It takes a village to get a man a job,

especially when you're talking about this guy.

Do you have any special skills?

Is this special enough?

I'll put down ability to focus on two things at once.

They say dress for the job you want,

not the job you have.

Which is no job.

[fabric rips]

How does this look?

Looks good to me.

[chuckles]

Let's talk about your office skills.

Do you know Word?

I know almost words.

Lamp, bicycle, lamp.

This is round.

Why is that flat?

He's going to live with us forever.

Waterslide, turkey bone.

Did I say lamp yet?

What about PowerPoint?

Rip can power point.

[upbeat music]

So you've told me about some of your strengths.

Tell me about some of your weaknesses.

Some people say I can be too honest.

Well, I don't see that as a weakness.

Who gives a rip what you think?

You kids are right there.

Weight room's over there.

Your parents' bedroom, over there.

Interview day!

- [sighs] - You're ready.

OK.

You got this, Stanley.

- It's going to go great. - Go get 'em.

Good luck!

[door shuts]

No.

No.

No.

Can I have some fries?

No.

Can I have a piece of candy?

No.

Bonsai?

No.

Can I have that stapler?

No.

You want to hang out sometime?

No.

[indistinct chatter on television]

I want to watch TV.

I want to eat some of that chicken.

Well, I want to smash him over the head with this globe.

[laughs]

I set the AC to degrees.

The man's impervious.

Oh!

Wait.

He's putting his shirt on.

[groans]

That's it.

[keyboard clacking]

Oh, are you going to update his résumé?

No.

I'm looking for apartments.

Count me in.

There is no job on this green and very round Earth

that that man is qualified for.

[rooster crows]

♪ There was a stud whose name was Rip ♪

♪ And Rippo was his name-o ♪

♪ R-I, uh, N-G-O ♪

I don't know what's worse--

listening to that man try to spell his own name

or trying to hold in my pee.

The bus comes in minutes and I still haven't eaten.

Well, good luck.

Rip's eaten everything in the house.

Mom's at the store now.

I'm so hungry, I can't even think about food.

♪ Name-o, R-I, uh, N-G-O ♪

Man, looks like you're never going to shower again.

[scoffs] Luckily for me, my natural scent allows me to go

for weeks without bathing.

Up top.

Ugh.

I'll rub some pine cones under there

on the way to school.

Thank you.

♪ And Rippo was his name-o ♪

He stopped singing.

I think he might be finished.

♪ , muscles on Rip's body ♪

- ♪ , muscles on Rip ♪ - [groans]

[bell rings]

What's wrong with your arm?

That pine cone had a lot of sap on it.

There's nothing like a Monday morning with a sticky armpit.

Well, look on the bright side.

Normally, we'd be walking into gym class right now.

That's very true.

You know, I'm starting to feel a little guilty about how

much my family is suffering.

I know I blamed the guy who invented the corn dog,

but it's really our fault Rip moved in.

We're the ones who got him fired.

Well, your family better get used to living with Rip,

because there is no job that man is capable of.

Unless there's a job that pays you to t*rture children.

[chuckles]

No.

No way.

We can't tell Rip about this job.

It would get him out of the house.

And into our school, teaching gym?

Gym, Lincoln.

We've been trying to get rid of gym since first grade.

And now that we finally did it,

you want to throw it all away, just because you don't want

to live with Rip Hardcore?

My family is so sad.

Think about how sad we're going to be in gym class!

Running miles, dodging ba*ls, taking showers in locker rooms

where people point and laugh-- I mean at you.

I-- - But my family--

This is bigger than your family, Lincoln!

This is bigger than the both of us!

What was I thinking?

We can't tell Rip about this job.

Darn right, we can't.

[grunting]

Washing it in the creek really worked.

[shower running]

He beat you guys to the shower again?

No, he's still in there from this morning.

Wasn't enough that he took all the food.

He just had to take the water, too.

Sigh.

I had to pee in a bucket.

We got to get him out of this house.

There's got to be some job out there he's qualified for.

Well, there's not.

They're not just handing out jobs at school.

Let it go, man!

I think we handled that well.

[crickets chirping]

All I want to do is brush my teeth.

I haven't pooped in three days.

When is he going to move out, Mom?

[suspenseful music]

- [gasps] - What's happening?

You can't sleep either, huh?

You know, I've been thinking more about it,

and I really think we should tell Rip about the--

Now imagine how much more that would have hurt

if it was a dodgeball.

But we don't have to imagine, Lincoln.

Because we live in a gym-free world,

and it's going to stay that way.

Look, starting tomorrow, you can stay at my house.

We've got an unlimited hot water supply,

and you get three gourmet meals a day.

It's gym class, man.

I can't.

[grunts]

[guttural roar]

That was my stomach.

What?

I'm starving.

[sighs]

Man, you have some weird dreams.

Round.

Look at this place.

How long have we been at your house?

I don't know, but let's go back.

Food?

What?

Do you have any food?

Lucy, what happened to you?

Rip's eaten everything.

You want a roasted Lin-cone?

They come in crispy, extra-crispy, or on fire.

But all of them give you the runs.

Here.

Pick one.

Why?

If we don't find food by morning,

the short straw gets eaten.

[slurps]

OK.

I'll see you back at the casa.

Hey, remember, no gym.

Stay strong.

- Tell me I'm pretty. - Why?

Rip took my makeup mirror.

Tell me I'm pretty!

Found this in the dumpster.

It's either sliced pears, baked beans, or motor oil.

All of them give you the runs.

[chuckles]

If only Rip hadn't lost his job, then none of this

would have happened.

It doesn't have to be this way.

I can get Rip a job.

Dude!

I can get Rip a job!

[together] Lincoln, Lincoln, Lincoln.

Lin-cone.

[together] Lincoln, Lincoln.

I can get Rip a job!

I can get Rip a job.

[dramatic music]

You can?

I should have told you sooner.

There's a job that's perfect for him.

He could start tomorrow.

- Yes! - Lincoln, love!

[sighs]

[bell rings]

Yeah.

I am your new gym teacher.

Maybe this won't be so bad.

We did get him this job.

I'm going to be doing things a little

different than your old teacher.

We're going to start with snack time.

Lincoln, Clyde, do you have any suggestions?

How about corn dogs?

Yeah, we do like corn dogs.

Do you?

How about corn dogs?

Everybody loves corn dogs.

[whispers] I knew it was you guys.

OK.

First we're starting with dodgeball.

Lincoln and Clyde, over here.

Everyone else, over there!

And as a special treat, I'll be joining in.

[whistle blows]

[both screaming]

♪ I only wanna be with you ♪

♪ I only want to be with you ♪

[upbeat rock music]

[upbeat rock music]

♪ Crashing through the crowded halls ♪

♪ Dodging girls like Ping-Pong ba*ls ♪

♪ Just to reach the bathroom on time ♪

♪ Leaping over laundry piles ♪

♪ Diapers you can smell for miles ♪

♪ Guy's got to do what he can to survive ♪

♪ In the Loud house, the really Loud house ♪

♪ Duck, dodge, push, and shove ♪

♪ That's how we show our love ♪

♪ In the Loud house, the really Loud house ♪

♪ One boy and ten girls ♪

♪ Wouldn't trade it for the world ♪

♪ ♪

♪ The really Loud house ♪