09x08 - To Infinity and Back

[bunniefuu]

I blame myself for
what happened.

The coroner says it wasn't
my fault.

The police said if it hadn't
been that night,

it would have been another
night, and I wouldn't have been

able to stop it.

But they only died

because he wanted to
punish me.

I'm angry,

I'm broken...
It is just t*rture.

I don't want anybody to have
to live the way I do.

I don't live, I exist.

Just give me a...
A minute.

At first glance,
an ordinary family house.

But what happened here last
night destroyed lives.

I will not speak his name...
To call him by

his name is
to give him a presence.

And he doesn't deserve
a presence in this world.

There is a palpable sense of

shock in this quiet
residential street.

I'm not gonna call him
a man, because he wasn't a man.

He was just pure evil.

After the Sykes had divorced,

father, Darren,
became vengeful.

No one could have
anticipated what followed.

I despise him
for what he's done.

Everybody eventually started
to see who he was,

but it was too late by then.

This photograph here was
taken on our wedding day,

and he got quite emotional
and started crying,

saying he was so happy...

and that he would
love me forever.

At that moment,
we were happy.

And then,

from that moment,

things started to change.

And I just feel sorry
for the younger me in

this photograph.

Little did I know
what was to come.

What started out

as a fairy tale wedding

turned into a nightmare.

And thinking about it now,
I feel slightly sick, because...

he turned into a monster.

How he turned from
a prince to a monster

in such a short time
was scary.

I first met Darren
on the 19th

of October in 1996
at a store opening.

We both worked
for the same company.

He was a salesman.

My first impressions of him
was that

he was arrogant and very
self confident.

He was asking me out,
and it was like,

not really interested.

Don't really want
to meet you again.

Thanks, but no thanks
type of thing.

And then the red rose came
the next day,

and it said,
"Please go out with me."

The next day,
another red rose came,

and he sent a red rose
for three weeks.

I thought, "Wow, he must be
really, really,

really keen to send a rose
for three weeks," and people

were saying, "Oh, my boyfriend
doesn't do that.

I wish my boyfriend did that."

And everybody was saying
at the time,

"Wow, he must
really love you."

Everybody thought he was
a good guy,

and I said I would
go out with him.

Hi, Darren?

The way he hooked me
in was with the attention.

Darren bombarded me with love
and tokens of gestures

of affection.

Every other week, he'd send
a bouquet of flowers.

He was sending
all these extravagant...

gifts...
That's a warning sign.

Now, with domestic
abuse training,

they now turn it as
love bombing.

This is the first sign
of their obsession.

Makes you feel a little bit
more special than normal,

and that's a dangerous feeling
to have, because it blinds you

to everything else
that's around you.

It's like a spider that's

weaving this web, and then
all of a sudden you're caught,

and you get snarled up
in this web.

That's the best way to
describe it.

He wanted control
of everything.

He would look at my emails.

He would start
going through my phone.

I came home from work,
and there was

a letter on the side,
and it had been opened.

Did you read my mail?

And I said, "That's
actually addressed to me,"

and he said, "Well,
there's no secrets between us."

What's the problem?

You trying to hide
something from me?

I think he snooped,
because he wanted

to own every aspect of
my life.

Nothing was just mine.

And it got to
a point where you feel

like your every move is
being monitored.

I'd turn up at work,
and half

an hour later,
the phone would ring.

This is Claire.

And it would be him

on the phone, "Just checking
that you're okay."

Oh, that's sweet.

Then an hour later,
the phone would ring again,

and it would be him saying
something like, "Oh,

"I just want to hear
your voice.

Oh, I just want to tell you
that I love you."

I actually need to get
back to work, so...

I'll talk to you tonight?

And by the end, I was having


What comes across as very caring
and very loving at the start

starts to become
very oppressive,

very intimidating.

And you feel like not one
single moment

of the day is yours.

Because...

you're just being trapped
all day long.

I realized that spying on me
was getting out of control

when I found out that
he was talking to my colleagues

behind my back.

I felt like I was being
spied on,

like my whole life was
being monitored.

I wanted him to realize

that his behavior wasn't normal,

but he didn't see anything
wrong with what he was doing.

It seemed like wherever
I was, he was there.

If I had a day off and I was
meeting somebody for a coffee,

he'd turn up.

I was going out with the girls,
and I got ready to go,

and he said,
"Oh, where are you going?"

So I told him
where we were going.

We went to the pub,
we got the wine,

we're talking, and he just
turned up and sat down.

Hello, ladies.

And I... all my friends
were kind of looking,

and it was like,
"This is a girls' night.

You're a guy.
What are you doing?"

Darren,
what are you doing here?

He'd sit there as if
nothing was wrong.

I just missed you is all.

At first, my friends thought,
he must really love you.

But then, after he turned up
at a girl's night,

they started to view
things differently.

My friends withdrew
and felt like they couldn't

talk about what they wanted to
talk about that night.

They just stopped
inviting me along,

stopped including me in things.

Who
wants another drink?

And looking back,
that's another warning sign that

he's starting to isolate you
from your friends.

This is how it starts,
and you don't

even realize that
the abuse has started.

I'm sorry. I didn't think
he would just show up.

It doesn't take much

to start feeling
those old feelings again.

Doesn't take much for me to
feel useless and worthless.

Abuse doesn't stay
with the ab*ser.

It stays with the abused.

You carry those feelings
with you always.

New Year's Eve was when things
really changed between us.

That was the first time that
I saw what he was capable of.

We were going out for a meal
with my mom and dad,

and then an argument started.

Why are you wearing that?

And these insults
are being hurled at you,

very personal insults.

I had just about had enough,
and I just flipped.

And I said, "I'm leaving.
I've had enough."

You know what?
I'm going by myself.

So he went
and locked the door

so that I couldn't leave
the house.

And that then made me
realize I was trapped.

I knew when he looked me in
the it wasn't gonna end well.

You're not going anywhere.

It was like a red mist
would come over his face,

and there was a twist to it
that looked evil.

To see that was scary.

It's almost like he had
a split personality.

And he punched me
on my arm here,

and there was a big bruise.

I was angry that he'd hurt me
and shocked, as well.

By this time,
I was thinking, right,

I'd just rather
cancel tonight.

You know what?

Let's just forget
the whole thing.

But he said, "No, you want
to go out with your parents.

So we're going out."

Now, go upstairs
and get changed.

So we went out that night,

and my dad immediately
picked up on the bruise.

But I said I'd walked into
the banister of the stairs.

And that was
the first time that

I'm not being honest
with my dad.

I wish now that I had
told him the truth.

But you cover up
for people,

and you cover up for
your own humiliation.

He started being
really pushy.

Um, wanted it
all the time.

It was like another thing that
was on overdrive.

Every night,
he'd be wanting relations,

and it's like you don't want
to have relations with

somebody when they made you
feel like a piece of dirt

or when they've hurt you.

What are you doing?

- What do you think I'm doing?
- No, Darren.

It's invading your body.

And you should be
allowed to say no,

but he didn't understand
the word no.

I said no.

I would say no,
and he'd carry on anyway.

And there were
many, many times

he would force himself.

You just feel
used and dirty,

and there's nothing worse
or nothing more lonely.

I used to lay there
and then go in the shower,

scrubbing myself in the shower,
because I don't feel clean.

That feeling
never goes away.

You begin to feel like
just an object.

Looking back, it's another
sign that things weren't right.

Despite everything
going wrong in the marriage,

I didn't leave, because
the year that I probably would

have left, I accidentally
got pregnant with Jack.

Perhaps Jack coming along
would change him as

a person, because people change
when you have children.

But it only made his behavior
worse rather than better.

There was a day, and Jack
was just four months old.

Darren wanted some
new furniture.

Oi,
have a look at this.

And this has been going on

for a long time,
picking this furniture.

All the decor
was picked by him.

Then argued and argued
and argued,

and he was still saying
he wanted furniture that

he wanted.

So I just says, whatever.

Do what you want.
I don't care.

He just lost his temper,
and just like a child, picked up

the heavy wooden chair,
and he just

threw it across
the room at me,

and it hit me on my ankle.

Are you serious?

He was infuriated that

I wasn't giving him
the response that he wanted.

Now, Jack was on the floor,
and it could have hit Jack,

and it was
a flashpoint for me.

And I gave him
an ultimatum and said,

"If you don't learn
to control your temper,

then I'm leaving,
and I'm taking Jack with me."

I just walked out and went for
a walk and walked and walked

and walked,

but I took Jack with me,
because I didn't trust him

with Jack.

And when I came back,
he said,

"Don't take Jack
away from me again."

You will never take my son
away from me.

Do you understand?

And that was the first warning
sign that he saw

the children
as a possession

and that he thought
he was entitled to

the children more than me.

And the next day,
flowers would arrive.

The worse the arguments got,

the more
the flowers arrived.

I hate flowers now.

If somebody gives me
some flowers,

I don't associate them with
nice things.

I just see it as somebody
who can't say sorry.

He went on the anger
management course,

worked for a while,
and then

just slip back into
his old ways.

Leopards don't
change the spots.

In March 2002,
Jack was born,

and three years later,
Paul was born,

and there they were, two
perfectly beautiful children,

most precious thing
in the world.

But when the children was
young, um,

as a father,
he wasn't involved.

As a family, we didn't really
have happy family moments.

When you look at
that photograph,

he's smiling in that
photograph as if he's

the proudest father on Earth.

But that happy look
on his face...

didn't last.

Evil lurked within and raised
its head more and more.

It was him that was
the monster

that couldn't be stopped
and would never change.

I think,

as a man and as a father,
he was jealous of their talent,

and he was turnin' his spite
and anger onto them.

This was my 40th birthday,

and there's Jack
with his trumpet

playing Happy Birthday to me.

You can see in his eyes there

that he's watching his dad.

You can see the wary look
on his face,

and there's fear
in those eyes,

and that's because one day,
he wants to do is practice,

but his dad didn't want to
hear and plays beautiful music.

He wanted a television
program on,

so he just took it out
on Jack.

His dad, out of spite,
knocked his trumpet

and made him cut
his lip.

And he ended up with blood
running down his chain.

This is Paul.

That smile there.

You'd just see him lit up from
the inside out.

This was where he came alive.

He just loved to run.

In running, he was free.

In running,
he expressed himself.

But one day,
I was cooking tea,

and then all of a sudden,
there was this hullabaloo,

and Paul was crying, and he
came in to me, and he got red

marks on his legs,
and he says,

"Dad's hurt me.
Dad's hurt me."

Darren had been
twisting Paul's legs.

He was supposedly
play fighting.

We were just wrestling,
having a little fun.

And because he was a runner,
his father targeted his legs,

because if he twisted his legs
and hurt his legs,

he wouldn't be able to run.

You could have really
hurt him.

So it was his way of
spoiling Paul's passion.

He was jealous
of his own child.

In the end, I said
that he needed to back

off from Paul and he needed
to give him some space.

And he needed
to stop bullying him.

And he said,
"I'm not a bully."

He needs to toughen up.

I felt like I couldn't
even leave him with them

on my days off,
because I didn't trust him.

And what does that say about
him as a father,

when I feel like I can't trust
him to look after the children?

Jack and Paul
didn't trust their dad.

They'd been hurt by him.

They were on eggshells
with him.

If we were sat on a big sofa,

I'd be sat on one side,
and the boys would be

crushed in with me as far...
As far in as they could.

And they get the comments,

"Oh, you don't want to sit
next to me, then?"

Well, why would
you want to sit

next to somebody
who twists your legs?

Or why would you want to sit

next to somebody that makes
your lip bleed?

- You wouldn't, would you?
- What?

I'm not good enough
for you, is that it?

They didn't want
to be with him.

It was me that had the bond
with them,

and he resented that bond,
because whenever

they needed anything,

it was me that they came to
and not him.

I don't want that
photograph near me.

That was the boys, uh,
having an ice cream.

As you can see on that picture,
Paul's looking away.

He didn't want to sit
next to his dad.

There's a space between them,

and you can tell
that he's on edge.

Jack's tolerating him,

but if you look at
his body language,

he's closing off
from his dad.

He's certainly not snuggling
in and doesn't look happy

to be sat there.

That photograph
just makes me feel ill

and angry.

One evening,
I was sat on the sofa

and watching the news.

And on the news came this
report that a father

in Wales had k*lled his
children and then hung himself.

And I was absolutely
heartbroken for that mom.

That's horrible.
That poor mother.

And I said,

"How could he have taken
those children's lives?

How can anybody do that?"

Can you imagine?

And Darren's answer was,
"Well, I understand

"why he did it,

"because fathers

aren't treated the same way
as mothers."

And I just went cold,
because the tone of voice,

he completely believed
what he was saying.

That is a horrible thing
to say.

It's true.

And I said,
"How can you say that?"

And he said,
"Well, they're not."

He understood exactly
why that father

took his children's
lives away,

and I was appalled.

Nobody's got the right

to take
a child's life away.

I found it incredible
that he could

even contemplate that,

let alone understand
why he'd done it.

That was
another warning sign for me.

It was almost
like a premonition.

I knew inside
that the children

would not be safe with him.

The boys were asking to leave.

I didn't have the money

to leave, and I knew
that if I left,

he would have access
to the children.

And if I wasn't there,
who was gonna keep them safe?

I had a responsibility
to keep them safe.

The final straw for me
came in 2014.

The abuse was extending to
the boys,

and I realized
that I had to leave.

One evening,
Jack and I were upstairs,

and their father
was up there,

and he was getting on at him
for doing his homework.

Enough fooling about!

You've got a report to finish.

Jack came out
with a flippant remark,

and the next thing I knew was

his father lunging towards him
with his fist.

The force of the impact
spun me around,

and I fell down
the stairs.

And I realized that

I could no longer stay.

I knew I had to get out
pretty quick,

because he could have
locked the doors.

He could have done anything.

I just quickly scooped them up
and said,

"Go to the car,
go to the car."

And they just run to the car.

And I just said,
"That's it. That's it."

It was just survival mode.

I saw this as an escape.

That's when
the real abuse started.

His behavior went out
of control.

He stalked me.

He sent text messages to
my family,

a*usive messages, which was
absolutely horrible.

The day that my divorce
came through,

I was taking
the boys out for a meal,

basically to lift
the mood a little bit.

And then as I walked
out of the restaurant

and got in the car,

the tire on the driver's side

was down,
and when I looked at it,

there was a big slash
in the tire.

And I just went cold, because
I knew who'd done that.

And I went back into
the restaurant and said,

"Have you got
any CCTV footage?"

And they went, "No,
we don't have cameras."

So I didn't bother to
report it to the police, because

I had no evidence, and it would
have been a she said,

he said situation, which could
have made things worse.

So I let it go.

But I knew
that we were in danger.

Obviously,
I believe that contact was

not in the boys'
best interest,

and I had to go to court

to ensure that the boys
were kept safe.

I was sat in the waiting area,
being intimidated by him.

He was glaring at me across

the room, and he was
verbally shouting.

Are you happy now?

I bet you think you've won.

He was saying that
I was manipulative.

I was a b*tch.

I should tell the boys
that it's

my fault that they're not
seeing their dad.

But there was one sentence
that he said,

and that was, "You will never
have the children.

You'll never
have the boys."

You're not going
to take them away from me.

I promise you that!

I could see that
his anger was escalating,

but because there wasn't
enough evidence of

physical violence

to stop him seeing
the children completely,

five hours access
was granted.

And when five hours
non-supervised contact

was issued,

I almost fell to pieces.

Given the behavior
in that courtroom,

I knew that those children
were in danger,

and I couldn't do anything
about it.

Nobody listened to
the warning that I gave.

Everybody thought he wasn't
capable of m*rder,

and I knew he was.

On the 22nd of October,
they had

gone on an access visit
to their father.

The day started
just like any other day,

and as I dropped them off
at school,

I said to them, as I did
every morning, "I love you."

And they'd answer,
"To infinity and beyond."

They loved "Toy Story."

Those were the last words

we spoke to each other
in this world.

Later on,
I came home from work.

I sat down, I'd just
literally finished my tea,

and there was a knock
on the door.

And I opened the door,

and there was a policeman
stood on the doorstep.

We know each other, and when
I came out, his face fell.

And the first words I said
was, "What has he done?"

And the police officer said,

"There's been an incident
at the house."

He said,
"There's been a fire,

"and you need to come now
with me.

The boys are at
the children's hospital."

And that's all I knew.

At first glance,
an ordinary family house,

but what happened here last
night destroyed lives.

A father, Darren Sykes,
was at home with his two sons

when a blaze took
hold of the property.

Fire crews battled through
the heat to find

all three trapped.

And I remember we got to
Sheffield Children's Hospital.

I walked into this little room.

And my head was saying...

this isn't happening,
and my heart was

screaming in pain,
and the medic said, "Are you

Jack and Paul's mom?"
I said yes.

And he said,
"Come with me."

The blaze broke out at
around half past six last night.

Neighbors said at first they
didn't realize anyone was in

the house, because Mr. Sykes's
van wasn't parked outside.

By the time firefighters
arrived, they found the father

and his two sons
on the ground floor,

and attempts were made to
revive them.

I saw Paul, and I saw
them doing CPR on him.

And his little body was
bouncing off the bed,

and reality hit like a slap.

One part of my brain
was screaming,

"That's my son.

My nine-year-old little boy
lying there having CPR."

They looked at me,
and they said,

"We're going
to let him go now."

And I said, "No!
No, you can't let him go."

And they said,

"All we can do now
is let him go."

And they let me
hold him in my arms.

I held him so tightly...
His hair was wet

with my tears.

And I said,

"Paul, you can't leave.
It's mom. I'm here."

And, um...

He looked at me and smiled,

and then the light just went
out of his eyes,

and his beautiful blue eyes,

they just went gray.

And nothing was looking back.

And the nurse came past
and subtly closed his eyes,

and then he just looked like
he was sleeping.

And to know that I would
never hear his laugh,

watch him run, have a future

and that I could only hold him
as he died and told him

that I loved him...

I felt shame, pain.

And I felt as if I'd

physically been torn apart.

The detective sergeant came
from the family liaison unit

and said that the fire had
been set on purpose.

It wasn't an accident.

They told me that Jack had
told the fireman that

cradled him in his arms that
his dad had done this.

Jack was found
on the first floor.

Conscious when he was
taken to hospital,

he told police,
"My dad started the fire."

He'd set at least


The property was barricaded,

and there was no way that

the boys would have got out...
He'd used a mattress

to barricade the living room
and a kitchen chair

against the kitchen door to
wedge that, too.

After the Sykes had
divorced, father, Darren, became

vengeful...
Sykes locked the house,

doused it in petrol,
and set it alight.

Then they said to me,
"Jack's in the other bay

if you want
to come and see him,"

and they were running around,
and they're all sweating,

and you could see
on the faces the fear.

I just lost one son,

and they were doing
their damnedest

to make sure
that I didn't lose Jack, too.

This is two days
after Jack

was taken to Manchester to

the pediatric intensive care
burns unit.

This is
what I looked at

for five days,

and I'm sorry that I upset

people when I show them
these photos.

But this is reality.

This is real life.

And this is what happened to
my beautiful 12-year-old boy.

He can't open his eyes...
They're swollen and burnt.

And he's on a ventilator,
because he's sedated.

Most of his body
was destroyed.

He got these injuries from
trying to rescue

his brother and get
out of the fire.

And it kills me inside to
keep showing this photograph.

But people need
to know the reality.

This is what happens

when people don't listen.

I sat by this for five days.

I couldn't do anything
other than read to him

and talk to him.

Jack wasn't in pain there.
He was sedated.

But I hurt for him.

And not being able
to help him,

I felt useless,

and all I could do was pray.

But it wasn't enough.

The next day,
he started to deteriorate.

And if you watch medical
programs, and you see the line

just go beeeeep...

That's exactly what happened.

There was no heartbeat at all.

The medics were devastated,
and they looked at me,

and I just waited for them
to say it.

And they called it.

They told everybody to stop.

And the room just went
eerily quiet.

All you could hear was the one
machine with a single beep,

and then just a line
going across.

I held him in my arms,

but I didn't ask him to stay
like I did

Paul, I just said...

"Be at peace.
I love you."

He heard

that I loved it,

and I told him to be
at peace now.

And I held him.

And then the detective came
from Penistone, and he said,

"Now we're looking at
a double m*rder."

And nobody touched me.

Nobody went near me.

And I just curled up
on the floor in a ball,

because the pain,
it was just too much.

I was really angry,
because I wanted him

to face what he'd done.

They asked me to sit
responsibility

for his body,
and I refused.

My ex-husband
did what he did

because

he couldn't accept
that he wasn't loved.

He couldn't accept
that he wasn't liked.

But the real reason
why he did this...

was to punish me.

Those boys
only died because of me.

They were taken away because
he knew he couldn't have them.

And if he couldn't have them,

then nobody else could
have them.

I had a tattoo done

and had their ashes mingled
with the ink.

I wanted them
close to my heart.

So the only place to make sure
they were close

to my heart was to have
a tattoo done on my chest.

To infinity and back.

These are the last words that
we spoke to each

other in this world, and they
were spoken in love,

and I have that love now
etched forever next to

my heart.

The promise that I made
to my two boys as they

lay dying in my arms was that
I won't let this happen

to another child.

These laws need changing,

and they need changing now.

So I've challenged
the government.

We're having
a new domestic abuse

bill, which has now taken
four years,

and we still haven't got it
through Parliament.

And if I can change these laws
in Jack and Paul's names,

then their legacy will live on
long after I'm not around.

That's what I'm fighting for,

to make sure the right
decisions are made for

the child,
not for the parents,

for the child,

because they can't
protect themselves.

Nevertheless, I should have
fought the courts more,

and I have to live with
those regrets.

The thing I regret the most is

not walking away.

There were signs,
and I should have left rather

than stay and try to make
the best of it.

I wish he'd taken his own
life and left the boys.

I wish you'd taken mine
and left the boys.

But all I can do now

is change the future.

I can't change the past,
but I can change the future.

And that's what
I'll keep trying to do.