Animal Crackers (1930)
♪ You must do your best tonight, ♪
♪ be on your toes, men. ♪
♪ There's an honored guest tonight. ♪
♪ He's one of those men, ♪
♪ who are being feted ♪
♪ by the smart-set. ♪
♪ We'll see ♪
♪ that he gets what he deserves. ♪
♪ Treat him as they do a king, ♪
♪ in manner royal. ♪
♪ Like a subject to a king, ♪
♪ you must be loyal. ♪
♪ On this object ♪
♪ you must have your hearts set. ♪
♪ We'll do nothing to get on his nerves. ♪
♪ Again I mention: ♪
♪ Be on your toes, men. ♪
♪ He craves attention, ♪
♪ he's one of those men. ♪
♪ Yes, sir! We will give him ♪
♪ just what he deserves. ♪
Oh, Hives...
- Oh, yes, Mrs. Rittenhouse?
I'd like to make a few changes in the assignment of the rooms.
- Very good, madam.
Suppose you put Mr. Chandler
in the Blue Suite.
And Captain Spaulding, as guest of honor,
will get the Green Duplex with the 2 baths.
Two, madam? - Why, yes.
I think the Captain would like 2 baths, don't you?
Well, if he's just returned from Africa,
he may need 2 baths.
Mr. Roscoe W. Chandler.
Mrs. Rittenhouse! Well, I...
Mr. Chandler!
So nice to see you.
- The famous Beaugard, as promised.
How can I ever express my gratitude?
- Oh, 'tis nothing.
Nothing? You return from Europe
with a masterpiece valued at $100,000,
and instead of displaying it yourself,
you allow me unveil it
at my party for Captain Spaulding.
You call that nothing?
- Mrs. Rittenhouse, I...
Uh, will you please remove that to the place
where it is to be exhibited. - Very good, sir.
And, uh, very careful, please.
You think that is something?
It is nothing compared to what I would like to do for you.
You are a very beautiful woman.
- No, no, Mr. Chandler.
Well, maybe I'm wrong.
- What?
Please do not go. I love you.
- I know. Mr. Chandler, now look...
Hello, Mother. Playing house?
Well, uh, if you'll pardon me.
Have you seen Johnny Parker?
I wish you'ld get him out of your mind
and show more respect to Mr. Chandler.
The trouble with you is, you don't take
these social affairs seriously.
What would you suggest, Mom? Suicide?
I would suggest...
[car air horn]
That must be him.
- Captain Spaulding has arrived.
What a pleasure!
Oh, I'm so glad.
My friends,
Captain Spaulding has arrived!
♪ At last we are to meet him, ♪
♪ the famous Captain Spaulding. ♪
♪ From climates hot and scalding, ♪
♪ the Captain has arrived. ♪
♪ Most heartily we'll greet him, ♪
♪ with plain and fancy cheering, ♪
♪ until he's hard of hearing. ♪
♪ The Captain has arrived. ♪
♪ The Captain .. has .. at .. last .... ar--rived! ♪
Mr. Horatio W. Jamison,
Field Secretary to Captain Spaulding.
I represent the Captain who
insists on my informing you
on these conditions
under which he camps here.
In one thing he is very strict.
He wants his women young and picked.
As for men,
he won't have any tramps here.
♪ As for men, ♪
♪ he won't have any tramps here. ♪
♪ There must be no tramps. ♪
The men must all be very old,
the women warm, the champagne cold.
It's under these conditions
that he camps here.
♪ I'm announcing ♪
♪ Captain Geoffrey Spaulding. ♪
♪ He's announcing ♪
♪ Captain Geoffrey Spaulding. ♪
♪ Oh, dear. He is, coming. ♪
♪ At last, he's here. ♪
[trumpet fanfare...]
[African drumming...]
Well, what do I owe you?
What! From Africa to here, $1.85?
That's an outrage!
I told you not to take
me through Australia.
You know it's all ripped up.
You should come right up to Lincoln Blvd.
And where do you come
with that stuff?
Turn around the rear end.
I wanna to see your license plates.
I'll attend to you later.
- Don't try to pull that...
Why, you're one of the most
beautiful women I've ever seen.
And that's not
saying much for you.
Captain Spaulding, Rittenhouse Manor
is entirely at your disposal.
I'm grateful for this magnificent
washout, ah, turnout.
And, uh, now
I'd like to say a few words.
♪ Hello ... I must be going. ♪
♪ I cannot stay. ♪
♪ I came to say I must be going. ♪
♪ I'm glad I came, ♪
♪ but just the same, I must be going. ♪ La, la
♪ For my sake, ♪
♪ you must stay. ♪
♪ If you should go away, you'll spoil ♪
♪ this party I am throwing. ♪
♪ I'll stay a week or two, ♪
♪ I'll stay the summer through, ♪
♪ but I am telling you, ♪
♪ I must be
going. ♪
Before you go,
will you oblige us
and tell us of
your deeds so glowing?
I'll do anything you say.
In fact, I'll even stay. - Good!
♪ But, I must be
going. ♪
There's something I'd like to say
that he's too modest to relay.
The Captain is a moral man.
Sometimes he finds it trying.
This fact I'll emphasize with stress.
I never take drink unless...
...somebody's buying.
♪ The Captain is a very moral man. ♪
If he hears anything obscene,
he'll naturally repel it.
I hate a dirty joke, I do. Unless it's told
by someone who... knows how to tell it.
♪ The Captain is a very moral man. ♪
♪ Hooray for Captain Spaulding, ♪
♪ the African explorer. ♪
♪ Did someone call me Shnorrer? ♪
♪ Hooray, hooray, hooray! ♪
He went into the jungle,
where the monkeys throw nuts.
If I stay here, I'll go nuts.
♪ Hooray, hooray, hooray! ♪
♪ He puts all his reliance ♪
♪ in courage and defiance ♪
♪ and risks his life for science. ♪
♪ - Hey, hey! ♪
♪ He is the only white man ♪
♪ to cover every acre. ♪
♪ I think I'll try and make her. ♪
♪ Hooray, hooray, hooray! ♪
♪ He puts all his reliance ♪
♪ in courage and defiance ♪
♪ and risks his life for science. ♪
♪ Hey, hey! ♪
♪ Hooray for Captain Spaulding, ♪
♪ the African explorer. ♪
♪ He put his name on dying fame ♪
♪ and that is why we say: ♪
♪ Hooray...hooray...hoo--ray! ♪
My friends, I'm highly gratified
at this magnificent display of effusion.
And I want you to know...
♪ Hooray for Captain Spaulding, ♪
♪ the African explorer. ♪
♪ He put his name on dying fame ♪
♪ and that is why we say: ♪
♪ Hooray...hooray...hoo--ray! ♪
My friends, I'm highly gratified
at this magnificent display of effusion...
And I want you to know...
♪ Hooray for Captain Spaulding, ♪
♪ the African explorer. ♪
♪ He put his name on dying fame ♪
♪ and that is why we say: ♪
♪ Hooray...hooray...hoo--ray! ♪
My friends, I'm highly gratified
at this magnificent display of effusion.
And I want you to know...
♪ Hooray for Captain Spaulding, ♪
♪ the African explorer. ♪
Well, somebody's got to do it.
Captain Spaulding, It is indeed a great honor
to welcome you to my poor home.
Oh, it isn't so bad.
Needless to say...
Wait a minute. I think you're right.
It is pretty bad.
As a matter of fact, It's one of the
frowziest looking joints I've ever seen.
Where did you get your wallpaper!
You're letting this place run down.
And what's the result?
You're not gettin' the
class of people that you used to.
Why, you've got people in here now
that look like you.
Now I'll tell what we'll do.
We'll put up a sign outside:
"Place under new management".
We set up a 75-cent meal
that'll knock their eyes out.
After we knock their eyes out,
we can charge them anything we want.
Now, sign here
and give me your check for $1,500.
Now, I want to tell you madam,
that with tis insurance policy,
you are provided for your
little one, and for your old age,
which will be here
in a couple of weeks now.
If I'm any judge of horse flesh.
And now madam, I feel that the time
has come, the walrus said...
- Captain Spaulding - Captain Spaulding.
- ...to speak of ma--
You stand before me as one
of the bravest men of all times.
Alright, I'll do that.
In the dark forests of Africa,
there has been no danger
you have not dared.
You mind if I don't smoke?
Fearlessly
you have blazed new trails,
scornful of the lions' roar,
and the cannibals' tom-toms.
Says you.
Never once in all those weary months
did your footsteps falter.
Cowardice is unknown to you.
Fear is not in you.
Uh, pardon me.
A caterpillar, Captain.
[scream]
Oh, my!
Over here.
Oh, it must be the caterpillar
that frightened him. Oh dear!
This is unfortunate. Don't just stand there,
get the whiskey; get the whiskey!
The whiskey, the whiskey,
where is the whiskey?
It's in my little black bag,
in the right-hand corner.
[horse race trumpet fanfare...]
Signor Emanuel Ravelli.
- How do you do?
- How do you do?
Where's the dining room?
- That's a surprise.
Say, I used to know a fellow looked exactly
like you by the name of Emanuel Ravelli.
Are you his brother?
- I am Emanuel Ravelli.
You're Emanuel Ravelli?
- I am Emanuel Ravelli.
Well, no wonder you look like him.
But I still insist, there is a resemblance.
Ha, ha, ha, ha.
He thinks I look alike.
Well, if you do,
it's a tough break for both of you.
You are one of the musicians?
But you are not due until tomorrow.
Couldn't come tomorrow.
That's too quick.
Say, you're lucky
they didn't come yesterday.
We were busy yesterday,
but we charge just the same.
This is better than exploring.
What do you fellas get an hour?
Oh, for playing, we get a $10 an hour.
- I see.
What do you get for not playing?
$12 an hour.
- Well, clip me off a piece of that.
Now, for rehearsing, we make special rate.
That's $15 an hour.
That's for rehearsing?
- That's for rehearsing?
And what do you get not rehearsing?
You couldn't afford it.
Hey, you see, if we don't rehearse,
we don't play.
And if we don't play,
that runs into money.
How much would you want to
run into an open manhole?
Just a cover charge.
Well, drop in some time.
- Sewer.
Well, we cleaned that up pretty well.
- Well, let's see how we stand.
Flat-footed.
Yesterday we didn't come. You remember,
yesterday we didn't come? - Oh, I remember.
Yeah, that's $300.
- Yesterday you didn't come; that's $300?
Yeah, that's $300.
- Well, that's reasonable. I can see that alright.
Now, today we did come, that's, uh...
- That's $100 you owe us.
Hey, I bet I'm gonna lose on the deal.
Tomorrow we leave. That's worth about...
- A million dollars.
Yeah, that's alright for me,
but I got a partner. - What!
The Professor.
The gates swung open
and a Fig Newton entered.
How do you do?
[honk]
Goodness.
You haven't got chocolate, have you?
Hey, hey, hey. He's a got everything.
Hives, take the Professor's
hat and coat.
And send for the fumigators.
Oh!
Bon jom! Bon jom de la baudet!
Get out. Whatd'ya gonna do?
... le juene de ma la de tante
Say, don't you see that
there are ladies present?
What do you think this a -
Put that hat down, will you?!
What are do there?
Get out of here. Go on.
[bang]
[screams]
[bang]
[bang]
[bang]
[bird twitters]
[continued bird twitters...]
[bang]
[silence]
[bird twitters]
[bang]
[raspberry]
[bang]
[bang]
[bang]
[bang]
[bang, bang]
[bang, bang]
♪ [Brickmaker March (fife and drum)] ♪
A little more to the right.
Ah, ah!
That's better.
Now, see that the
drape is well-hung.
The mistress will inspect it
before the unveiling.
Hello, Hives.
- Mrs. Whitehead!
This is a surprise.
- And how about me? - Miss Grace!
You've grown so in the last year.
- You haven't lost any weight, yourself.
Heh, heh, heh.
No, unfortunately not.
You know Hives, it seems strange to find you
working here instead of in our own home.
Well, after you left for Europe,
Mrs. Rittenhouse was good enough to make me an offer.
Lovely. Oh, uh, by the way, Hives,
what's the secret about the painting?
No secret.
It's Beaugard's "After the Hunt".
The original?
- Most original.
Be careful.
Where did she get ahold of that
do you suppose?
Is it very valuable?
- Is it? It must be worth a fortune.
Well, Sis, it looks as if we heave the
Social Award of the Season to Mrs. Rittenhouse.
Well isn't there something we can do?
- We might sh**t ourselves.
I'd rather sh**t Mrs. Rittenhouse.
Say, I have an idea.
I copied that painting
at art school a year ago.
Well, what of it?
[whispers]
But I still don't get it.
I'll go home and get the copy.
We'll substitute
it for the original.
And when she unveils it,
what'll she have?
An imitation.
And I must admit, a very cruel one.
Grace, you're wonderful.
- That's what I've been telling you.
[whispering] I won't be long.
- Alright. See you later.
Oh, Hives?
Do you still feel there's
a strong bond between us?
Why, most certainly,
Mrs. Whitehead.
Strong enough for you to do me
a big favor? - Why, anything at all.
Well, suppose I were to ask you ..
to, take away the Beaugard...
What! You mean...
- Oh, just temporarily, of course.
And, substitute something of my own?
- Well, I should consider it quite an unusual request.
It is, Hives, but somehow I still think
of you as one of the Whiteheads.
[Contented sigh] You may count on me.
My soul is yours,
even though my body,
may belong to Mrs. Rittenhouse.
Why, Hives!
[chuckle]
Oh, Mrs. Whitehead!
- Arabella!
May I present Mr. Parker?
- Of the, Massachusetts' Parkers?
Why, no.
- Oh, then the, Southern Parkers?
Oh, no, the Central Parkers.
You know, the Benches and Trees.
I see.
Meow!
Oh!
I don't like that woman.
Well, never you mind.
You come over here, and sit down,
and tell me whom you do like.
Oh! So that's your game.
- Now listen. Do you really love me?
Why don't you marry me and find out.
- Marry you?
Ha! On what? Last year I sold 2 paintings.
One at 100 and one at 50.
Could we live on $150 a year?
- Well, we wouldn't need any money.
I've got a charge account
in every shop on 5th Avenue.
Well, if I had any brains, I'd give up
painting and get a regular job.
You know, I had a cousin who made $50,000
in Wall Street last year.
Well, I don't wanna marry your cousin.
I'm a darn fool; I wanna marry you.
Say, why don't we get that old bluff Chandler
to buy a portrait from you?
Chandler?
Hey, what does he know about art?
The less he knows,
the easier it'll be for you to sell him.
They're right upstairs. You can't miss
them. Go round the other side.
[whispering] Mrs. Rittenhouse.
[quietly] Yee, hoo.
Wah, hoo.
Oh, Captain Spaulding!
How are you?
Tell me. Are you alone?
- Captain, I don't understand.
What, you don't
understand being alone?
Don't give me that innocent
stuff or you'll be alone. - Well.
A big cluck like you
turning cute on me!
Mrs. Rittenhouse...
- Yes?
Oh, pardon me.
Pardon me.
You've been affected like this
yourself, haven't you, at times?
[laughing] Oh no, Captain.
- Well, you will be.
Mrs. Rittenhouse...
Ever since I've met you,
I've swept you off my feet.
Something has been
throbbing within me.
Oh, it's been beating in me like the
incessant tom-tom in the primitive jungle.
Something that I must ask you.
- What is it, Captain?
Would you wash out a pair of socks for me?
- Captain, I'm surprised.
Well, it may be a surprise to you,
but it's been on my mind for weeks.
It's just my way of telling
you that I love you, that's all.
I love you.
- Captain! Mrs. Whitehead.
I want every part of you.
I've never ...
I beg your pardon.
- There's never been...
I beg your pardon.
Am I intruding?
Are you intruding? Just when
I had her on the 5-yard line.
I should say you were intruding.
I should say you are intruding, pardon me.
I was using the subjunctive
instead of the past tense.
Yes, we're way past tents,
we're living in bungalows now.
This is a mechanical age,
of course.
Mrs. Whitehead, you haven't met
Captain Spaulding, have you?
Why, no. I haven't.
How are you?
- How are you?
I'm fine, thank you.
And how are you?
And how are you? ...
That leaves you one up.
Did anyone ever tell you
you had beautiful eyes? - No
Well, you have.
And so have you.
He shot her a glance.
As a smile played around his lips.
Yes, I don't think I've never seen
four more beautiful eyes in my life.
Well, three anyway.
You know,
you two girls have everything.
You're tall and short, and slim and
stout, and blonde and brunette.
And that's just the kind
of a girl I crave.
We three would make
an ideal couple.
Why, you've got beauty, charm, money.
You have got money, haven't you?
Course, if you haven't, we can quit right now.
The Captain is charming, isn't he?
- I'm fascinated.
I'm fascinated, too.
Right on the arm.
Fascinated...
whim-wham!
If I were Eugene O'Neill, I could tell
you what I really think of you two.
You know, you're very fortunate
the Theater Gill isn't putting this on.
And so is The Gill.
Pardon me
while I have a strange interlude.
Why, you couple of baboons, what makes
you think I'd marry either one of you?
Strange how the wind blows tonight.
It has a thin, eerie voice;
reminds me of poor old Marsden.
How happy I could be
with either of these two,
if both of them just went away.
Well, whatd'ya say girls?
Whatd'ys say, will you marry me?
But, Captain, which one of us?
Both of you. Let's all get married.
This is my party.
Party... Party...
Here I am talking of parties.
I came down here for a party. What happens?
Nothing. Not even ice cream.
The gods look down and laugh.
This would be a better world for children
if the parents had to eat the spinach.
Well, what do
you say, girls?
Whatd'ya say?
Are we all gonna get married?
All of us?
- All of us.
But, that's bigamy.
- Yes, and that's big of me, too.
It's big of all of us.
Let's be big for a change.
I'm sick of these
conventional marriages.
One woman and one man was
good enough for your grandmother,
but who wants to marry her?
Nobody. Not even your grandfather.
Think, think of the honeymoon. Strictly private.
I wouldn't let another woman in on this.
Well, maybe one or two,
but no men. I may not go myself.
Are you suggesting
companionate marriage?
Well, it's got its advantages.
You could live with your folks
and, I could live with your folks.
And you...
You could sell Fuller brushes.
Living with your folks...
Living with your folks.
The beginning of the end.
Drab, dead yesterdays
shutting out beautiful tomorrows.
Hideous, stumbling footsteps
creaking along the misty corridors of time,
and in those corridors I see figures.
Strange figures.
Weird figures:
Steel 186, Anaconda 74,
American Can 138.
Well, let's see, where were we?
Oh yes, we were about to get married.
Well, what do you think? Do you-
Do you really think we outta get married?
I think marriage,
is a very noble institution.
[neighing sounds...]
It's the foundation of the American home.
- Yes, but the trouble is, you can't enforce it.
It was put over on the American people
while our boys were over there
[girls laughing...]
and all our girls were over here.
You- You know that I've been waiting at the bottom of these stairs
for years for just such a moment as this.
Why, Captain,
where are you going?
I'm sorry, ladies, I'm sorry,
but I'm, afraid we're going to have to
postpone the wedding for a few days.
Maybe for a few years.
Before I get married, I'm gonna
sow a couple of wild oats.
[laughing] The Captain's so amusing.
- Isn't he charming?
So, that's the famous Beaugard, eh?
It's a great picture, isn't it?
Oh, you've seen it before?
- Seen it? I spent 3 days in Paris copying it.
You did?
- Well, me and a million other young artists.
Oh, I bet your copy was better than any of them.
- Well, it wasn't bad at that.
I'll show it to you sometime.
Listen. - What?
- Mother's going to unveil it tonight.
Yeah?
Suppose... Suppose when she unveils it,
it's not the Beaugard at all.
Suppose it's yours.
- You mean put my copy in place of the Beaugard?
Exactly. - Why, Arabella, you're crazy.
What good would that do?
What good? Listen.
They'll unveil it. Chandler
will tell everybody how fine it is.
They'll all cheer their heads off, and then
we'll tell them who really painted it.
They'll say you're a great artist.
You'll get 6 commissions for paintings,
and we can be married and
divorced in no time.
Well, that sounds great. But what if
they don't like my painting? What then?
Well, isn't the chance worth taking?
Ah, I see you're admiring my picture, eh?
- Yes, yes.
Your picture? - Yes, my picture.
- Well, it don't look like you.
Hey, wait, wait. Some place I met you before;
because your face is-a very familiar.
Well, after all, I am one of the most
well-known men in America.
The newspapers will
keep running my photograph.
You're not Abe Kabibble?
- Oh! Nonsense!
All right, hey wait. Hey, if you're
not Abe Kabibble, who are you?
Now please. Chandler is my name.
Roscoe W. Chandler.
Yeah, but I don't care about the name.
You see, some place I met you before,
because your face is very familiar.
Now, wait. Let me see...
Were you ever in Sing Sing?
- Please. - No? No, Sing...
Hey, I got, I got it. Joliet!
- Oh, leave me alone.
Alright, alright. Don't run away,
don't run away. Leavenworth!
Now listen here. I have never been in these places.
I've spent most of my time in Europe.
Europe. I got it now. I know.
You come from Czechoslovakia.
You are wrong, I tell you. I've never been there.
- Ha, ha. You come from...
Hey, hey, Igon, come here, come here.
- I tell you. Please, get away from me.
Hey, you remember him? Who was he?
He come from Czechoslovakia.
You are wrong, I tell you.
I told you before. You are mistaken.
He come from Czechoslovakia.
And I know who it is.
That's Abie, the fish peddler from
Czechoslovakia. - Oh, ridiculous.
Oh, ridiculous? Wait, wait, wait.
We prove it. He had a birthmark.
Please, what are you trying...?
Let me alone, please!
On the arm! On the arm,
on the leg, on the foot.
Ah ha, ah ha! There it is!
There is the the birthmark! Abie, the fishman.
I confess. I was...
I was Abie, the peddler.
Well, how did you get to be Roscoe W. Chandler?
Say, how did you get to be an Italian?
Nevermind.
Whose confession is this?
Fellas- Here boys. For heavens sake,
don't say anything about this to anybody...
and I think we can
come to some agreement.
Some arrangement, which would be -
mutually satisfactory, eh?
Money. Money.
- Shall we say, uh, $500?
Fie to $500!
- Well, that is all the cash I have with me.
$500? Well, alright, I tell you what we do.
We'll take your IOU.
I've given you my best offer.
That is all you will get.
That's all you'll give?
- Yes.
♪ Abie the fishman!
Abie the fishman! ♪
Abie the fishman! ♪
♪ Abie the fishman!
Now, please boys.
Quiet. Please.
Come here. Now listen here.
I have here a check for $5,000.
Now, I give it to you, eh?
Is it good? - Well, of course it is good.
Who would give me a bad check?
I would.
Hey, see if it's good.
Alright, if you don't want the
check, then that is all you will get.
That's all we get?
- Yes.
♪ He's Abie the fishman! ♪
- Please!
♪ Abie the fishman ♪
♪ Abie the fishman! ♪ Abie the fishman!
Abie the fishman! ♪
Here- Give me that handkerchief.
My tie! Where is
my tie? I...
Nothing but a pair of thieves,
that's all...
Hm, ha ha. I getta the tie.
Well, whata you got?
The birthmark!
Ha, ha, ha, ha ha.
Hey. Hey, where's your tie?
- Well, I... they...
That's, a fine way for a millionaire to be
running around, open at the neck.
Have you got garters?
Of course I have garters. Here.
Oh, they've taken my garters too.
A likely story. Turning collegiate on me, eh.
Have you got socks?
Certainly.
Here they are.
What do you have? You have got socks. They
look pretty old to me too. Whose are they?
Well, old socks,
let me introduce myself.
My name is Spaulding,
Captain Spaulding.
I am Roscoe W. Chandler.
- Well, this is a treat, your treat.
You have, heard about me?
Yes, I've heard about you
for a great many years,
Mr. Chandler, and I'm getting
pretty darn sick of it, too.
Huh, quite naturally, I've also heard
of the great Captain Spaulding.
Well, that's fine. I've heard of you
and you've heard of me.
Now, have you ever heard the
one about the two Irishmen?
Oh yes.
Ha ha, ha ha...
Well, now that I've got you in hysterics,
let's get down to business.
My name is Spaulding,
Captain Spaulding.
I am Roscoe W. Chandler.
And I am Geoffrey T. Spaulding. I bet
you don't know what the "T" stands for?
Uh... Thomas?
- Edgar. You were close, though.
You were close though,
and you still are, I'll bet.
Now, this is what I want to
talk to you about, Mr. Chandler.
How would you like to finance
a scientific expedition?
Well, that is a question.
Yes, that is a question.
You certainly know a question when you
see it. I congratulate you, Mr. Chandler.
And that brings us right
back to where we were.
How would you like to finance
a scientific expedition?
Well, is there any particular kind
of an expedition you had in mind?
Well, I'll tell you.
I'm getting along in years now, and there's one thing that
I've always wanted to do before I quit. - What is that?
Retire... Now, would you be interested
in a proposition of that kind?
You know, I've always had
an idea that my retirement
would be the greatest contribution to
science that the world has ever known.
This is your chance, Mr. Chandler,
when I think what you have done for this country.
And by the way, what have you done for this country?
- Oh well...
Well, I've always tried to do what I could.
Especially in the world of art.
Art? Well, I don't know how
we drifted around to that.
But, what is your opinion of art?
I am very glad you asked me!
- I withdraw the question.
This fella takes things seriously.
It isn't safe to ask him a simple question.
Tell me, Mr. Chandler, where are you
planning on putting your new opera house?
Oh, I thought I should like to put
in somewhere near Central Park.
I see. Why don't you put it right in Central Park?
- Could we do that?
Sure. Do it at night,
when no one is looking.
Why don't you put it in the reservoir,
and get the whole thing over with.
Of course, that might interfere
with the water supply.
But, after all, we must remember
that art is art!
Still, on the other hand,
water is water, isn't it?
And East is East, and West is West.
And if you take cranberries and stew them like
applesauce, they taste much more like prunes than rhubarb does.
Now uh...
now you tell me what you know.
Well, uh, I- I would be very glad to give you my opinion.
Well, that's dandy. I'll ask you for them someday.
Remind me, will you?
I'll tell you what.
Could you come to my office at
10 o'clock tomorrow morning?
If I'm not there, ask for Mr. Jameson.
That's my secretary.
And if he sees you,
I'll discharge him.
That's a date, now.
Saturday at 3.
No, you better make it Tuesday.
I'm going to Europe Monday.
Pardon me, my name is Spaulding.
I've always wanted to meet you, Mr. Chandler.
Tell me, what do you think of the traffic problem?
What do you think of the marriage problem?
What do you think of at night
when you go to bed, you beast?
Well, I tell you my dear...
I'd rather not discuss it any further
Remember, there are children present.
Well, you see my dear Captain.
In the last analysis, it is a question of money.
The nickel today is not
what it used to be 10 years ago.
Well, I'll go further than that.
I'll get off at the depot.
The nickel today is not
what it was 15 years ago.
Do you know what this country needs today?
A 7-cent nickel.
Yes, siree, we've been using
the 5-cent nickel since 1492.
Now, that's pretty near 100 years -
daylight saving.
Now, why not give the
7-cent nickel a chance.
If that works out, next year
we can have an 8-cent nickel.
Think what that would mean.
You could go to a newstand, buy a 3-cent paper,
and get the same nickel back again.
One nickel carefully used
would last a family a lifetime.
Captain Spaulding, I think that is a wonderful idea.
- You do, eh? - Yes.
Well, then there can't be much to it.
Forget about it.
Well, tell me, Captain Chandler...
Eh..., eh, excuse me, Spaulding.
Spaulding, Spaulding,
that's right.
I'm Spaulding and you're Chandler.
Let's have no more of that either.
Alright. - Bad enough being Spaulding.
Well, tell me, Captain Spaulding...
Eh, Spaulding is the name, right?
- That's right. That's right.
I'm- I'm Chand... - No.
No, I'm Spauld... - Spaulding.
Can I look at a program a minute?
I might be the news weekly, for all he knows, or coming next week.
Well, tell me, Captain Spaulding,
you've been quite a traveler.
What do you think about South America?
I'm going there soon, you know.
Is that so? Where're you going?
- Uruguay.
Well, you go your-a-gway,
and I'll go mine.
Say, how long has this been going on?
Let's change the subject.
Take the foreign situation.
Take Abyssinia.
I'll tell you, you take Abyssinia, and I'll take
a hot butterscotch sundae on rye bread.
Let's go and see what the boys
in the back room are up to.
Huh, but my dear Captain...
Let's see how yours compares
with the original. - Alright, let's.
Oh!
I don't see any difference!
Well, look closer.
Maybe you'll find it's better.
Oh, you don't say.
[both laughing]
[honk. honk, honk. honk...]
You seen my partner?
- Uh, no.
Oh, you who.
Bellissima, ma re gatta vetta e faccia di una Madonna.
Oh, Mr. Raviolla.
- Ravelli. Ravelli.
Oh, uh, Mr. Ravelli.
I want you to do something for me.
I'd do anything for a-you.
What do ya want I should do?
Do you see that painting?
- You mean this piksh?
I want you to take that out of the frame
and put this one in its place.
You want I should take a-this one down
and put a-this one upstairs? - Yes, that's it.
Uh, you want I should steal?
- Oh, no, no! It's not stealing.
Well, then I couldn't do it. No. O-Oh, no.
- Oh, Mr. Ravioli!
[honk. honk, honk...
honk. honk, honk]
Hey, get up. Get up.
Come here.
That's all you do, eh?
Chase-a the women. Look-
Oh, stop.
Everybody here plays cards,
they don't ask us.
Here we are a-waste all a-time.
We've been here all day, eh.
How much-a we make?
We make a-nothing.
First thing you know, we go live on a charity.
Then we go to the old ladies' home.
How do you like that?
No. No, a-that's a-no good.
These people here all a-got a-money.
Now, we gotta get-a someone to play with us, see.
I'd play anything. Poker, pinochle...
- Oh, Signor Ravelli.
I want to speak to you about the music.
- Yeah, how do you do. Yeah, here's the man.
What do you...
What's the matter with you?
It thought it would be nice if...
Go away from me!
What is this?
- It's alright. I just a...
- Oh, my dear. I don't know what...
Hello, Professor.
Good heavens, what's the matter with his feet?
Have you ever...
[screams]
Oh, this is embarassing.
- [Ravelli chuckles]
Oh, that's-a nothing; you see...
Why, we play all kinds of games.
We play Blackjack, Soccer...
- [scream] - That's-a no hit a lady.
That's-a matter for you.
- Oh, I'm sorry, I do...
- I don't know what's happen... - [screams]
- Mrs. Whitehead, I'm sorry...
- What's the matter with him?
- For heavens sake...
- I wouldn't have this happen for the world...
Oh!!
Heavens!
Go on... Atta boy.
- You let go of me.
One - two - three -
[Ding!]
Atta boy.
Good heavens. Oh, dear.
Oh, I must be mad.
I must get out of here...
- ... Look how terrible he looks...
- I'm so frightened... I don't know; I better get Hives...
[Ding!]
- Oh, this is terrible...
Oh!!
Yeah, she can't take it there
- Oh, this is disgraceful...
Oh!!!!
- Where is Hives?...
Oh!!!!
Go away from me!
- Oh. Oh, this is dreadful.
Well, why don't you
leave him alone?
Aw, stop.
Now, uh, that this game is over,
how about playing some bridge?
You play bridge?
I play bridge a little.
What do you play for?
Oh, we just play
for small stakes.
And french-fried potatoes?
Set it up right over there, Hives.
- Very good, madam.
Now, what on earth is he up to?
- Look at this.
- The whole house will be talking...
- Absolutely. If it isn't one thing...
Oh, Hives.
Oh.
Oh, dear. Take it away, Hives.
- Extraordinary.
Now, how do you want to play? Honest?
- ... Well, I hope so.
You put that right away.
It's your own fault.
Come along now; we'll
cut for partners.
Aw, he's my partner; that's
the only way we play.
I'm sorry, but it's against the rules of the game.
We have to cut for partners.
Alright, we cut for partners.
I got ace of spades.
He's got ace of spades.
Ha, ha ha, ha.
That's whatcha call coincidences!
Two aces of spades?
- Yeah, he's got thousands of them.
Well, I suppose that gives him the choice of seats.
- You have the choice of seat.
Good heavens, not on her lap.
- All right, all right. Come on. Sit down.
What's the matter with him? - I don't know.
- He thought it was contact bridge.
Just a minute, now.
Shuffle the cards.
Yeah, you gotta scrumble 'em
up a little bit, you know.
Just a moment.
I'd like to cut those cards.
[whistle]
Ha, ha. Hey... that's a winner.
Ha, ha, ha.
Uh, your bid, partner.
[2 knocks]
You pass?
Misdeal.
You pass? I bid one spade.
I pass.
- Three spades.
[3 knocks]
Four spades.
One club.
- I don't understand this kind of bidding.
Well, you don't have to understand.
You bid four spades, eh?
Why, I haven't a spade in my hand.
- Alright. We double.
There's something's wrong here.
I want you to go over the bidding.
Oh, hey, she want to start'em
up again; the bidding.
He bids one.
One? One what?
- That's alright. You'll find out.
But we have to know what he's bidding.
- We tell you later. Now I bid two.
Two what? - Two of the same he bids.
Now the bidding's over. See, that's enough bidding.
It's your lead.
Oh, no. You can't lead that. Ohhho!
- Why not?
Why, we can't take it.
Well, what should I lead?
He'll show you.
Ace of spades. That's-a very good.
Three of spades...
Four of spades.
You trump it?
[laughter] That's-a what you call a-finesse.
No spades, partner. No spades.
Ace a hearts.
Ace a clubs.
Dummy leads.
The dummy leads.
I'm not the dummy.
- Well, you could be.
Ace a diamonds.
Hundred aces, eh?
Two hundred? That's better.
Ace a hearts.
Atta boy. Make a big slam.
Make a big, big slam.
Ace a spades.
Ace a spades.
Ha. That's a good alright.
Plays a good game.
Ace a spades.
Plays a fine game, alright.
Ace a spades.
- I refuse to play any longer.
You're nothing but a
couple of cardsharps.
Good heavens. - What is it, my dear?
My shoes are gone.
Good graciousness, he has your slippers.
Come along, come along.
[laughter]
Hey, you take-a the ladies' shoes, eh?
[thunder...]
[drops bucket]
- Shhhh
[drops tools]
- Shhhh
[curtain bangs] [claps]
- Shhh. Hey, hey, quiet, quiet, quiet.
[door bangs]
Hide, hide.
Somebody's coming.
Alright, alright, I make-a mistake.
Get up. Get up, come on. Hurry up.
Come- hey. Hurry up. Come here.
You know what-a we gotta do, eh?
We gotta take-a that picture up, put-a this one upstairs, for the lady.
Wait-a, no touch.
You got everything ready, eh?
The shovel, the axe, the dynamite, the pineapples?
Where's the flash?
Ah, non tu la faccia.
That's a-no flesh. Flash.
There's-a flesh. Flash. That's-a flesh.
Flesh. Yesh, that's flesh.
That's a fish!
I no want the fish. No fish. Flesh!
Oh, stop it.
You act crazy.
When you go out in the nighttime,
you gotta have-a the flesh.
That's no flash.
That's a flisk. Flesh.
When you wanna see somebody,
you gotta have-a the flesh.
That's a flush.
What I gonna do with the flush? A flesh.
No, flitz.
What I goona do, eh, flitz?
What do ya got, eh?
[whistle]
Ehhh, that's-a,
whatd'ya call, a flutz.
All you got is a fish and a flutz
and a flitz and a flutz, and a ...
[whistling tune]
Stop this! Where's the flesh?
Look, when everything's light and
you wanna make 'em dark. What ya do?
Heeey, you crazy. I want no, no blackjack.
It's-a my mistake, I guess. When everything is,
a, dark and you wanna make 'em light.
Yeah, that's a flash.
That's a flash. That's a... [laugh]
[thunder ... thunder ... thunder]
Hey, that's-a good, alright.
The storm put the lights out.
Now nobody can see what we do, eh.
Where's the flesh?
Where's the flash?
I no want the fish. Flash.
[whistling tune...]
No, no flutz. Flutz.
What's the matter for you, eh?
Flash. Before the people are come.
Get the flesh.
What's a matter? You lose it?
Well, you gotta find it. Look for it.
Alright, alright, never mind.
Come on, we'll work without it.
[thunder...]
Hurry up.
- Yes, Pater, I'll skip...
Hide! Hide!
Somebody's coming. Hide. Hide. Hide.
[frenetic whistling...]
Quiet, quiet.
Shut up. Quiet. Shut up.
Keep quiet.
I know where you are. It's alright.
Oh, Captain Spaulding...
Captain Spaulding, where are you? - Yeah?
Oh, Captain...
- Yes? What's the trouble?
The storm has put the lights out.
And you can't see your hand before your face.
Well, you wouldn't get
much enjoyment out of that.
Well, I don't know what you're gonna do,
but I'm gonna take a nap.
Leave me a call
for three o'clock.
[Cuckoo, cuckoo, cuckoo]
Make it three-thirty.
[Cuc-]
You certainly get service around here.
Pardon me, Mrs. Rittenhouse, did you lose a fish?
- What?
Well, somebody lost it.
Will you take out in the kitchen and have it fried for me?
Did you hear that?
There's somebody's over there.
I say, there's somebody's over there.
- Don't be silly. The house is just settling, that's all.
Anybody over there?
- I don't see anybody.
There you are. If there was anybody over there,
he'd see him, wouldn't I?
[banging and hammering...]
Oh, what is it, Captain?
What is it?
You know what I think?
I think you got roaches.
[banging and hammering...]
- yach, yach, yach, yach, [whistling tune]
yach, yach, yaaaaa
Yes, you got roaches alright.
And the biggest one has got asthma.
[thunder]
Oh, this is terrible!
Come on, Captain. Let us get out of here.
[banging and hammering...] This can't be the library.
This must be the operating room.
[thunder...]
- I can't hear a thing...
Here, we get-a the picture,
we don't make one sound. Come on.
Hey, somebody turned on the lights.
Alright, we get-a the picture,
though we don't make a-one sound.
Come on, let's go.
Get outta here.
[whistle]
What do you want?
Oh, the fish. Go on, go on.
[thunder...]
- [whistle] - Oh, bad; some storm, eh?
That's-a regular tornado.
Come on. Let's go this way.
I think it's a shortcut.
Come on, let's go.
[birds tweeting...]
Ha, ha! California.
[triumphant music...]
Oh, Captain Spaulding; the women,
and men, and then what happened?
Oh, it was nothing at all.
I'd rather not discuss it.
Oh, but I can't wait to hear
the finish. I must hear it.
Well, there I was.
There I was in the top of the tree,
with this rhinocerous pointing
his g*n straight at me.
A rhinocerous? - Yes.
Oh, Captain, what did you do?
What could I do?
I had to marry his daughter.
What kind of a story
do you call that?
Alright, you tell one.
And now, my friends, before we
start the musical program,
Captain Spaulding has kindly consented
to tell us about his trip to Africa.
Captain Spaulding.
- Me?
[applause...]
My friends, I'm going to tell you of that
great, mysterious, wonderful continent known as Africa.
Africa is God's country,
and he can have it.
Well sir, we left New York drunk and early
on the morning of February 2nd.
After 15 days on the water and 6 on the boat,
we finally arrived on the shores of Africa.
We at once proceeded 300 miles
into the heart of the jungle,
where I shot a polar bear.
This bear was 6' 7" in its
stockinged feet and had shoes on.
Pardon me. Just a moment, Captain.
Just a moment.
I always thought the polar bears
lived in the frozen north.
Oh, you did? Well, this bear was anemic
and couldn't stand the cold climate.
He was a rich bear and
could afford to go away in the winter.
You take care of your animals,
and I'll take care of mine.
Frozen north, my eye!
From the day of our arrival,
we led an active life.
The first morning saw us up at 6,
breakfasted, and back in bed at 7.
This was our routine
for the first 3 months.
We finally got so,
we were back in bed by 6:30.
One morning, I was sittin' in front of the cabin,
smoking some meat, when...
Smoking some meat?
Yes, there wasn't a cigar
store in the neighborhood.
As I say, I was sitting in front of the cabin,
when I bagged 6 tigers.
Oh, Captain. Captain.
Did you catch 6 tigers?
I bagged them. I-I bagged them to go away,
but they hung around all afternoon.
They were the most persistent tigers
I've ever seen.
The principal animals inhabiting the Africa jungle are
moose, elks, and Knights of Pythias.
Of course, you all know
what a moose is. That's big game.
The first day I shot two bucks.
That was the biggest game we had.
As I say, you all know
what a moose is?
A moose runs around on the floor,
and eats cheese, and is chased by the cats.
The elks, on the other hand, live up in the hills,
and in the spring, they come down
for their annual convention.
It is very interesting to watch
them come to the waterhole.
And you should see them run
when they find it's only a waterhole.
What they're looking for
is an alco-hole.
One morning I shot an elephant
in my pajamas.
How he got in my pajamas,
I don't know.
Then, we tried to
remove the tusks.
The tusks.
That's not so easy to say, tusks.
You try that some time.
Oh, simple. Tusks.
Pardon me, my name is Spaulding.
I've always wanted to
meet you, Mr. Chandler.
As I say, we tried
to remove the tusks,
but they were embedded in so firmly,
we couldn't budge them.
Of course, in Alabama,
the tusks are looser.
But, uh, that's entirely ir-elephant
to what I was talking about.
We took some pictures of the native girls,
but they weren't developed.
But we're going back again
in a couple of weeks...
Very enlightening speech, Captain.
Very enlightening.
Hooray for Captain Spaulding.
Three cheers for Captain Spaulding!
Three cheers for Captain Spaulding!
Three cheers...
- No one asked for the chairs.
Put them right
where you found them.
- Now go on. - Go on, go on,
go on with your chairs. Get out.
Go on, go on.
Go on, you.
And now, friends, Signor Ravelli
will oblige us at the piano. Signor Ravelli.
[applause...]
Signor Ravelli's first selection will be
"Somewhere My Love Lies Sleeping"
with a male chorus.
two, three, four
two, three, four
one, two, three, four
five, six, seven, eight
nine, ten, eleven, twelve
thirteen, fourteen, fifteen, sixteen
seventeen, eighteen, nineteen, twenty
Say, if you get near a song, play it.
I can't think of the finish.
That's strange,
and I can't think of anything else.
You know what I think?
I think I went past it.
Well, if you come around again,
jump off.
I once kept this up for three days.
You wouldn't consider hush money,
would you?
I can't get 'em now. I've gotta wait
for inspiration. - It's about time.
Play the song about Montreal.
- Montreal?
"I'm A Dreamer, Montreal."
I don't know that.
I'll tell you what I do.
I'll play you one of my own
compositions, by Victor Herbert.
Make it short.
[ Plays "Silver Threads Among The Gold" ]
[applause...]
He plays them both well.
[off key notes...]
Atta boy.
Your red team scored
that time.
[laughter]
So did the old blue one.
What'd you push, eh? What'd you push?
- Oh, Captain, please stop them.
Let 'em go and they may
exterminate each other.
The best thing for either of them.
Appiattirti, ma scusami
That one's for old Purdue.
I was afraid of that.
Hey, I thought I had the finish.
- I wish you did. Yours.
Play the song
about the Irish chiropodist.
Irish chiropodist?
"My Fate Is In Your Hands".
[horseshoe clanking...]
["Anvil Chorus" refrain...]
Braaaa, braaaa, braa-braa ...
[fake italian...]
Is there a horse in the house?
They've got everything else here.
And, uh, now Mrs. Rittenrotten...
Mrs. Rittenhouse. - Yes, a slight error.
I have a little surprise for you.
The man is here for the piano.
- Oh, Captain!
No, really, what I meant
to say was that, uh...
When I departed from the natives in Africa,
I was presented with a little gift.
And this I gift
I'm going to give to you,
at a very low figure.
- Oh, how wonderful, Captain.
Well, now don't be too hasty...
- Oh, I just can't wait...
This was all hand-painted.
The whole thing was done
with the white of an egg.
Well, what is it, Captain?
What is it?
What is it, you ask?
This is a hope chest for a guinea pig. What is it?
This magnificent chest...
No, this mag...
No, this magnificent chest...
I now take great pleasure in
presenting to you with my compliments.
Captain, this
leaves me speechless.
Well, see that you
remain that way.
And now, ladies and gentlemen...
Come outside and say that.
If we will all adjourn
to the library,
Mrs. Rittenhouse has another
and perhaps a greater surprise for us.
This way, Captain.
Mrs. Rittenhouse,
how do you pay Hives?
By the week or by the pound?
... Or by the fire?
And now it is my privilege
to reveal the masterpiece
of [impassioned] François Jacques
DuBois Gilbert Beaugard.
[monotone] No trains will be sold
after the magazines leave the depot.
"After the Hunt."
[applause]
There! I told you,
you were a great artist.
Shall we spill the beans now?
- Let's wait a minute. Something might happen.
Now, I'm sure we'd all appreciate
a few words from Mr. Chandler,
who will tell us something of the life
and work of the artist, Beaugard.
And keep it clean!
Mr. Chandler!
[applause...]
My friends, I am quite sure
that you are all familiar with Beaugard.
And this is perhaps his masterpiece.
In it, he has achieved a greatness
in the handling of color, and line.
Now you will see here,
that I--
Wait! This is not my, my- my picture.
This is a rank imitation.
What do you mean, Mr. Chandler?
Well here, see for yourself.
You are right.
It is not the Beaugard.
It certainly isn't.
There's a dog missing.
Oh, Captain Spaulding,
what shall I do?
Telephone the dog-catchers immediately.
They have taken the
original, and left me this!
Leave it to me,
I'll throw some light on this subject.
Does anyone have a match?
- What's wrong? What happened?
Oh, Hives. Hives, where are you?
Turn on the lights.
Mrs. Rittenhouse, did you lose that fish again?
- Oh, Captain, I'm so worried.
Good heavens. That one is gone, too.
[honk, honk] - Oh, this is awful.
The crooks, the crooks,
they are escaping!
Follow me, men!
Never mind the men, just the women.
Oh, heavens!
Come on. Right this...
They went out here, somewh-
[laughter...]
Oh, the excitement. I never saw
anything so funny in all my life.
This is great.
And there goes her old party.
Good ole' Hives. Wasn't it funny?
- Oh, v-v-v-v-very.
Why, you're not afraid, are you, Hives?
- Oh no, I'm not afraid, Oh, dear no.
Only, you see, well they were
talking of having the police here.
And I wouldn't want the
police to suspect me.
Why, they wouldn't suspect you.
- Oh yes, they would!
You see, the last time they suspected me,
I got four years. - Hives!
Alright, Hives. Give me the painting,
and I'll take care of it. - Good.
This'll take care of it...
[giggling...]
This is great...
Good heavens! It's gone!
- Gone? - I left it in there...
There?
There must be thieves at this party.
If I'd known that,
I never would have come.
Wait a minute!
That professor!
- The Professor?... I see!
Hives, that's the
fellow in the woodpile.
Now listen, we've got to get
that picture away from him.
Might I, uh... suggest, uh... some of this?
Oh, very satisfactory in these cases.
A few drops on a handkerchief,
and the Professor will no longer obstruct us.
You're sure it'll do the trick?
- Oh, absolutely. Would you, uh, care to try some?
No thanks, Hives.
Let's find the Professor.
I don't see how the thief could have gotten away.
I wonder who it could have been.
It's a good thing we substituted yours.
Suppose the thief had gotten away with the Beaugard.
Oh? It'd be alright
if they had stole mine?
Oh, darling, I didn't mean that.
But, what would Mother do?
Why, it's worth $100,000.
How could she have replaced it?
Oh, I understand.
Isn't it exciting? Just think.
Whoever took it was right in the room with us.
Just like Raffles.
Oh, isn't it romantic?
[harp arpeggio...]
♪ All the boys I've known, ♪
♪ used to say I was made of stone. ♪
♪ I would always leave them alone, ♪
♪ in de-spair. ♪
♪ I've been on the pan, ♪
♪ I've been called an electric fan, ♪
♪ told I'm even much colder than, ♪
♪ Fri-gid-aire. ♪
♪ I began to wonder, ♪
♪ if I was, all wrong. ♪
♪ I thought so, ♪
♪ till you came, along. ♪
♪ Tell me dear, ♪
♪ why am I so romantic? ♪
♪ When you're near, ♪
♪ why am I so romantic? ♪
♪ What a grand feeling, ♪
♪ when your lips meet-mine. ♪
♪ That certain something comes ♪
♪ stealing up-and-down my spine. ♪
♪ I don't know, ♪
♪ what it is, you've done to me. ♪
♪ You don't know, ♪
♪ half of the good you do me. ♪
♪ Other boys bore me, ♪
♪ they just leave me blue. ♪
♪ Oh, why am I so romantic ♪
♪ with you? ♪
♪ Tell me dear, ♪
♪ why am I so romantic? ♪
♪ When you're near, ♪
♪ why am I so romantic? ♪
♪ What a grand feeling, ♪
♪ when your lips touch mine. ♪
♪ That certain something comes ♪
♪ stealing up and down my spine. ♪
♪ When we touch, ♪
♪ close in your arms you hold me. ♪
♪ I forget ♪
♪ all that my mother told me. ♪
♪ Other girls bore me, ♪
♪ they just leave me blue. ♪
♪ But why am I so romantic ♪
♪ with you? ♪
[harp chords...]
[ Harpo playing on his grandmother's harp
that the family took with them when they fled Russia. ]
[ The harp is a 1930's Gold Style 23 Lyon and Healy ]
Oh, Signor Ravelli!
I've been looking for you all morning.
I was busy all morning,
but you could'a had me last night.
Signor Ravelli, you've got to
put that painting back.
Painting? Painting? What painting?
Wha'da you talk?
The one you changed last night.
You remember.
Oh, you mean-a da piksh?
- Yes.
Eh, what s'matter for you? First you want
it-a downstairs, then you want em oopstairs,
then you want em downstairs, then you-
Come on, make up your mind.
Oh, I do thank you
for what you've done.
But you've got to get that painting
back before the police get here.
Police. - Yes.
They come here? - Yes.
Wait. I give it to you. You put it back.
Come on, Come on.
Where's the piksh?
- What do you mean, "Where's the picture"?
I put 'em in here. It's-a gone.
Somebody take'em. You take 'em! - Me?
No. I know. I know.
The fish peddler. Abie the fish peddler.
Did Mother invite a fish peddler here?
I don't know whether she invite, but he's here.
Come on, a-we find him.
Good morning, Mrs. Rittenhouse.
- Good morning, Mr. Jamison.
And how is Captain
Spaulding this morning?
Oh, he had a very bad night.
He didn't sleep a wink.
He went out horseback riding
in the middle of the night.
I'm sorry. - Yes, I know, but he's in bad shape.
But, we've all been pretty upset.
Good morning, Captain!
Did you enjoy your ride?
What in the world
are you looking for?
I lost my horse.
- Oh. [laughs]
Yes, he slipped right out
from between me.
I can't understand it.
I had my feet in the stirrups, too. - Oh. [laughs]
I don't know.
I don't know how he got-
I didn't care about that.
But I lost the bit you loaned me.
Nevermind. I'll get you another bit.
- Well, that'll be two bits I owe you then.
Captain, I hope you weren't distressed
by last night's unfortunate occurrence.
You mean that dinner you served?
- No, the painting that was stolen!
Was there a painting stolen?
I haven't seen a painting in three weeks. Jameson.
As my secretary, why didn't you
inform me there was a painting stolen?
What do think I engaged you for?
Well, Captain, I didn't know.
- Well, you should have asked me! I didn't know it!
Well, I'm sorry. - You're sorry?
You're a contemptible cur!
I repeat, sir. You're a contemptible cur.
Oh, if I were a man, you'd resent that.
Please keep quiet,
will you.
I can get along without you, you know.
I got along without your father, didn't I?
Yes, and your grandfather. Yes, and your uncle.
Yes, and your uncle! Yes, and my uncle.
Captain.
- I didn't come here to be exonerated.
I beg pardon, Mrs. Rittenhouse.
You do, eh? Well, I'd like to see you
crawl out of a rumble seat.
The police are here, Madam.
- Oh, the police. Have them come in.
Oh, so that's your game, is it?
Well, you can't shut me up!
Nooo, you can talk to my attorney.
Jamison, take a letter to my lawyers.
I'll show you a thing or two.
Or three.
I'll show you a thing or three. - Oh, Captain.
Sending for the police!
Take a letter to my lawyers.
Sending for the police, eh?
I say, take a letter to my lawyers.
- Well, I am taking it!
Well, read me
what you have so far.
Honorable Charles H. Hungadunga,
care of Hungadunga, Hungadunga,
Hungadunga, Hungadunga & McCormack.
Semicolon.
How do you spell "semicolon"?
Alright, make it a comma.
Dear Elsie...
No, nevermind Elsie [he he]
Do you want me to
scratch Elsie?
Well, if you enjoy that sort of thing,
it's quite alright with me.
However, I'm not interested
in your private affairs, Jamison.
Begin this way.
Let's start all over again.
Honorable Charles H. Hungadunga,
care a Hungadunga-hungadunnnnn... & McCormack.
Gentlemen,
question mark.
Er-r-r!
Do you want that, uh, "er-r-r", in the letter?
- No, put that in an envelope.
Now then...
In re yours, of the 5 inst,
yours to hand, and beg to rep,
brackets,
that, uh, we have gone over the ground
carefully and we seem to believe,
i.e., to wit, e.g., in lieu,
that, uh, despite all our, precautionary
measures, which have been involved,
uh... we seem to believe that it is hardly
necessary for us to proceed
unless we, uh, receive an ipso facto
that is not negligible at this moment.
Quotes, unquotes, and quotes.
Uh... hoping this finds you, I beg to...
- Hoping this finds him where?
Well, let him worry about that.
Don't be so inquisitive, Jamison.
sneak!
I say a- hoping this finds you, I beg to remain,
as of June 9th, cordially yours, regards.
That's all, Jamison.
I'll show you where I get off.
Sending for the police. Heh heh hehhh.
Now read me the letter,
Jamison.
"Honorable Charles H. Huhgadunga."
"Hungadunga".
- "Hoonga" - "Hu"...
- "Hoonga" - "Hoon"
"Hoongadunga"
That's it. "Hoongadunga".
"In care of Hun-gadunga, Hun-gadunga,
Hun-gadunga & McCormack."
You've left out a Hungadunga.
You left out the main one, too.
Thought you could slip one
over on me, didn't you, eh?
Alright, leave it out, and
put in a windshield wiper instead.
I tell you what you do, Jamison!
I tell you what...
Make it, uh, make it three
windshield wipers and one Hungadunga.
They won't all be there
when the letter arrives, anyhow.
"Hungadunga-hungadunga-hugana... & McCormack."
- "...and McCormack."
"Dear Elsie,
scratch."
That will do, Jamison. That...
That won't go through the mails, the way you've got it.
The way you've got the letter,
you've got McCormack scratching Elsie.
Now, you've got to turn that around,
and have Elsie scratching McCormack.
And you'd better turn
McCormack around to, Jamison.
And see what you
can do for me.
"Gentlemen, question mark."
"Gentlemen? Question maRK?"
Put it on the penultimate,
not on the dipthonic.
You want to brush up on your Greek, Jamison.
Well, get a Greek, and brush up on him.
"In re yours of the 5 inst."
- I see.
Now, uh... You said a lot of things here that
I didn't think were important - so I just omitted them.
Well.
Hmm... hmm...
hmm...
Oh Captain! Good gracious!
Oh, my.
So, you just omitted them, eh?
You just omitted the body of the letter, that's all.
You just left out the
body of the letter, that's all.
Yours is not to reason why, Jamison.
You've left out the body of the letter!
Alright, send it that way
and tell him the body'll follow.
You want the body
in brackets?
No, it'll never get there in brackets.
Put it in a box.
Put it in a box
and mark it, uh, 'frag-illy'.
Mark it what?
- Mark it 'frag-illy! ' F-R-A-G...
Look it up, Jamison.
It's in the dictionary.
Look under 'fragile'.
Look under the table
if you don't find it there.
Uh, "Quotes, unquotes, and quotes."
- That's 3 quotes? - Yes, sir.
Add another quote
and make it a gallon.
How much is it a gallon,
Jamison?
Regard.
- Regard. That's a fine letter, Jamison. That's an epic.
That's dandy. Now, I want you to make
two carbon copies of that letter
and throw the original away.
And when you get through with
that, throw the carbon copies away.
Just send a stamp.
Air mail. That's all.
You may go, Jamison.
I may go too.
Mrs., uh, Rittenhouse?
- Yes.
I'm Inspector Hennessey, from Headquarters.
- How do you do, Inspector?
Let me introduce myself.
I'm Captain Scotland of Spaulding Yard.
No I'm Captain Spaulding
of Scotland Yard.
Please, don't make the same mistake again.
- I'm glad to know you, Captain.
Well, I should think
you would be.
Now then, Inspector, I think between the two of us
we can solve the mystery of the stolen painting.
Especially if you go home.
Inspector. Please don't be too hasty about making an arrest.
I don't want my guests embarrassed.
Don't worry. We won't arrest anybody.
- He's lucky if he can stay out of jail himself.
Mr. Jamison, would you mind taking the Inspector
and his men to the library and showing them the scene of the crime.
Certainly, Mrs. Rittenhouse.
Right this way, Inspector.
Come on, boys.
And Jamison,
count the spoons.
Captain, I didn't know you'd been a detective too.
- There's a whole lot of things you don't know.
I suppose that's so.
- You know darn well, that's so!
Where were you on the
night of June 5, 1774?
I'm afraid I don't know.
- You bet you don't know. Where was I?
I don't know.
- Well, I don't know either.
And if I did know, I wouldn't tell you.
Put that in your pipe and smoke it.
Take a number from 1 to 10.
- Alright.
Alright. What's the number? - 7.
- That's right. 7 is right.
I could've done it with
one hand if I'd wanted to.
This is no mystery. I could solve this
in 5 minutes if I wanted to worry.
Captain, I don't want
you to worry.
I don't want anything to
interfere with your weekend.
Nothing ever interferes
with my weak end.
And I'll thank you not to get
personal, Mrs. Rittenhouse!
Oh, Captain!
- Where's my secretary? Jamison!
Oh, Captain, I assure you...
- No, no.
I didn't mean to offend you.
- Where's my secre... Jamison, Jamison!
Captain, you misunderstood me!
- I- ...
A more dastardly cr*cker I've never heard!
- Oh, Captain, please!
I wish I was back in the jungle
where men are monkeys.
Captain, I'm so sorry. - Oh, Captain. Oh, dear.
- Jamison, Jamison! No, no.
- [laughter] Good morning, Mrs. Rittenhouse!
Good morning.
Perfectly charming party.
I wouldn't have missed it for the world.
It's just full of surprises.
- So glad you're enjoying yourself.
Oh, Hives!
Hives!
Good morning. Some breakfast?
- Breakfast, nothing. Did you get the painting?
No, I did not. I watched all night,
but the Professor did not sleep in his room. - No?
Strange. Very strange.
- Good heavens, Hives. But what'll we do?
I don't know...
Until we see the Professor...
[birds tweeting...]
[tweeting stops]
[tweeting starts...]
You keep an eye on him
till I get back with the bottle.
Don't worry, he'll not
get away from me this time.
Did you get it? - Yes, madam.
- Good. Now I'll go ahead and engage him in conversation.
You trail behind and when the
proper time comes, see that he gets it.
Very good, madam.
Oh, hello. I've been looking all over
for you! Where have you bee-?
What is the matter with this?
What have you got there,
the morning papers?
No, that isn't the one I want.
Let me see one of the others.
That still isn't the
one I want.
[whap, whap whap]
You- know- what I- wannt-.
[giggles]
[Whap]
Out!
[birds tweeting...]
Yes, out!
Now, nevermind the birds...
Come on up here and sit down. I want to talk.
Don't you like me?
You don't?
Well, I like you.
I like little boys, like you.
[heh] By the way,
how old are you?
Five years old?
Why, you're just a baby, aren't you?
[hysterical laughter]
[laughter abruptly stops]
[hand slapped down]
[slap]
- Oh!
Oh, isn't that nice? I like that.
[laughter]
No! No! No!
Now, all joking aside,
isn't there someone you do like?
Isn't there someone you love?
[sigh]
Now, think again. Isn't there
someone you really and truly love?
[thunder]
Is there?
Tell me, who.
[kiss]
Why, that's a horse!
You love a horse?
[hysterical laughter...]
Come on, lift him up.
... Lift him up.
Come on. He's out.
- Let us get out.
[tweet]
[lively chase music...]
[two quiet honks]
[whistle]
[whistle]
[whistle]
[honk]
[honk]
[honk]
[honk]
[honk]
Arabella!
John, I've been trying to find you.
Ravelli has lost the painting.
Well, I've been looking
all over for you.
I just found a painting
out on the terrace.
Was it the Beaugard?
- No - Oh, yours? - Shh.
Well, if it's not yours,
and it's not the Beaugard,
Whose is it?
Where did it come from?
Well, don't you see? Someone else
came along and substituted, it for mine,
thinking they were getting away
with the original Beaugard.
Somebody swiped my scheme, eh?
Say! Then Chandler never saw
your painting after all? - No.
For all I know, you may still be a great artist.
Where is this picture?
It's up in my room.
- Well, you go get it and I'll get Captain Spaulding.
He'll get to the bottom of this.
And then John found the third painting.
- Well, that's very interesting.
Well, fairly interesting.
Well, we've just got to keep
a sharp lookout, that's all.
Oh, I've got to find it,
or mother's out $100,000.
Now don't worry. Let me work on this case for 24 hours.
Then we'll call in somebody else.
You think it's a mystery now?
Wait'll you see it tomorrow.
Remember the Charlie
Ross disappearance?
I worked on that case for 24 hours,
and they never did find him.
They couldn't find me
for five years.
That's me. Captain Yard of Scotland Spaulding.
I always get my women, or paintings.
Arabella! Arab-
Can you imagine what's happened?
Do you know that painting I found? - Yes.
Well, it's been stolen from my room.
- John!
There you are! I've haven't been on the case
five minutes and there's another painting gone.
I bet it's not even five minutes,
I bet it's not over three.
Now they've got my watch.
This is going too far.
It wasn't going, and now it's gone.
And the door to my
room was locked too.
Well, how could they get in?
Who could it have been?
Wait a minute, I think I've got a clue.
No, it's a hair. A red hair.
The Professor?
Oh, no, no, it couldn't be.
Well, he's been picked out this
month by the Crook of the Month club.
Anyhow, we'll investigate it.
[toot, toot]
You know Conductor Hennessey, don't you?
- Inspector!
Inspect her yourself.
Now listen. You know that little
redheaded fellow, the Professor? - Yes.
Well, get that g*ng of flagpole sitters
of yours and see if you can find him.
Aye, aye, Captain.
Come on, boys.
[jaunty kazoo tune...]
We'll soon get to the bottom of this.
You'll see how quick these boys will...
Hey, what's that cop doing there!?
See, the policemen,
it didn't take that long to find him.
That's right. This is it!
Yeah, this is it,
but which one is it?
That- The one that was
just taken from my room.
Well, we've got that back.
Maybe I've got my watch back.
Now the fob is gone!
Well, I- I, I still got the pocket.
Anything I retain now is velvet.
Except the coat. That's Prince Albert.
Well, all the jokes can't be good.
You've got to expect that once in a while.
Say, if we could find the fella who painted this picture,
well, we'd have a pretty good clue.
What'd you say?
I said, if we could find the fella who painted this picture,
we'd have a pretty good clue.
You just said that.
What a dull conversationalist you turned out to be!
Let me see that a minute,
will ya.
Say, this is signed "Beaugard".
There's the criminal, Beaugard.
No! Beaugard is dead.
Beaugard is dead!? Then it's m*rder!
Now we've got something.
What do you got, Cap?
- I got Jacks and Aces. What'da you got?
At's good, I was bluffin.
Look at this, Ravelli. Isn't there something
strikes you very funny about this picture?
[laughing...]
Oh, come come. It isn't as funny as all that.
Did you ever see a tree like that?
Tree? That's a spinach.
- It can't be spinach. Where's the egg?
Well, it could be spinach.
Look all the sand layin around there.
You mean it's an old Spinach custom?
No, it's not that, Ravelli. Anything but that.
No, Cap. It's alright,
it's my mistake.
You know what that is?
That's coleslaw.
Coleslaw?
- Yeah, at's-a coleslaw.
Did you ever see a coleslaw like that?
- Sure, look-at this one.
Now, I don't want any of your lip, now.
Did you ever see anything like that?
Did you ever see anything like that?
You know what this is?
This is a left-handed painting.
Why look! There's a signature.
- That's right. It's in the right-hand corner. - That's right.
This is either a left-handed painting
or a vegetable dinner.
Now, if we can find the
left-handed person who painted this...
we'll have "The Trial of Mary Dugan",
with sound.
Well, I saw that, goodbye.
- Now, uh... You wait here. I'm gonna to need you.
Now look.
We mustn't lose this. This is evidence.
Now, take it to your room
and leave the door open this time. We'll try that.
And, uh, not a word about this to anybody.
Not even to me.
Ravelli, we have got to find
the left-handed painting.
- Yeah, the left-hand...
Now, in a case like this, the first thing to do
is to find the motive.
- You gotta give a motive.
Now, what could have been the motive
of the guys that swiped the Beaugard?
[slap] I got it...
Robbery!
Would you mind go out and crossing the boulevard
when the lights are against you?
Si, Cap.
Sit down.
You understand, I got an idea
how to find-a this painting.
In-a case like-a this, that's so mysterious,
you gotta get-a the clues.
You gotta use-a the Sherlock Holmes
method. Now, you go about'em like this:
You say to yourself, "What happened?"
And the answer come back, "Something was stolen."
You say to yourself, "What was stolen?"
And the answer come back, "A painting."
What are you,
a ventriloquist?
Now you say to yourself, "Where was this painting stolen?"
And the answer come back, "In this house."
Now, so far I'm-a right, eh?
Well, it's pretty hard to be wrong when you
keep answering yourself all the time.
Now, you go a little further and you say to yourself,
"Who stole the painting?"
This is a very,
very important question, Cap.
When you getta the answer, you gotta
the solution to the whole thing. [slap]
Especially if you find the picture.
Now you take all-a the clues. You put'em together.
What do ya got, eh? - A bread pudding.
No. Here's what-a we got.
Something was stolen. Stolen where? In this house.
Stolen by who? Somebody in the house.
Now to find the painting, all you gotta do is
go to everybody in the house, and ask them if they took it.
You know, I could rent you out
as a decoy for duck hunters.
You say you're going to go to everybody in the house
and ask them if they took the painting?
Suppose nobody in the house
took the painting?
Go to the house next door.
That's great.
Suppose there isn't any house next door?
Well, then of course,
we gotta build one.
Well, now you're talking!
What kind of a house do you think we aughta put up?
Heh, heh. Well, I tell ya Cap. You see, my idea of a house is something
nice and-a small and comfortable.
That's the way I feel about it.
I don't want anything elaborate.
Just a little place that I can call home
and tell the wife I won't be home for dinner.
I see. You just want a telephone booth.
No, in that case
I'd just get in touch with Chic Sale.
Well, what'dya say, uh... What do ya say, Cap
we build right about here?
Here? - Yeah, right about here.
- Oh, uh, I'd like something over here if I could get it.
I don't like junior crossing the tracks
on his way to the reform school.
I don't like junior at all,
as a matter of fact.
Alright, alright.
We got something over there,
and believe me, that's-a convenient.
Awww, that's-a very convenient.
Why look. All you gotta do is open the door,
step outside, and there you are.
There you are? There you are where?
- Outside.
Well, suppose you want to get back in again?
- You had no right to go out.
Well, don't do anything
until I hear from you, will you?
Say, maybe that's the painting, down in the cellar.
- Ha. That's-a no cellar, that's the roof.
That's the roof, down there?
Yeah, you see, we keep-a the roof in the basement,
so when the rain comes, the chimney don't get wet.
Well, uh, I'm going out and get x-rayed.
I'll be back in a little while.
I may be wonderful, but I think you're wrong, Ravelli.
- Eh, wait. Don't get'em excited. Come 'ere.
Now look. Here's the rooms.
- Those are the rooms.
Yeah, right there's the rooms.
This is your room. This is-a my room.
And this is the maid's room.
Oh, I'd have to go through your room?
[laughter...]
[slap]
Ahh, that's alright, I won't be in it.
Say, Ravelli, you uh... You couldn't put the maid in your
room, eh? - What makes you think I couldn't?
Well, there's going to be
a lot of traffic in there, I can see that.
Well, what'dya say?
You ready to sign the lease?
Well, it's a little premature. I'd like to discuss it with my husband.
Could you come back this evening when he's home?
Hey, you married?
- Why, I've got a girl as big as you are.
Alright. Get me one.
- Don't get vulgar, Ravelli.
Ravelli, how about
the painting?
We take care of that alright.
Now, I'll tell-a you what my idea is.
I think the kitchen should be white.
Outside, green. Inside, cerise with a maroon...
The painting, I say!
How about the painting, Ravelli?
Alright, wha'd you think I talk? That's-a painting
the kitchen white. Outside, green, Inside, cerise...
The painting! The painting that was stolen.
- Stolen?
Don't you remember, Mrs. Rittenhouse lost a
valuable Beaugard oil painting worth $100,000?
No, I'm a stranger 'round here.
I don't remember that.
What do you think I am?
One of the early settlers?
Ravelli, don't you remember Mrs. Beaugard
lost a valueable Rittenhouse oil painting worth $100,000?
Don't you remember that?
- No, but I've seen you someplace before.
Well, I don't know where I was.
But I'll stay out of there in the future.
Hey, Capt!
It come to me like a flash!
This painting, wasn't stolen. Ha!
You know what happened? This-a painting, Cap, has-a disappear.
And yes, it disappear. And you know
what make it disappear?
You'll never guess, Cap.
Whatd'ya think make-a this painting disappear, eh?
Moths! Moths eat it!
Left. Handed. Moths! [bang] - [sigh]
Go away. Go away.
I'll be alright in a minute.
Left-handed moths ate the painting, eh?
- Yeah, 'at's my own solution.
I wish you were in it.
Left-handed moths ate the painting.
You know, I'd buy you a parachute
if I thought it wouldn't open.
[laughter] Hey, I got pair of shoes.
- [hraAaahhhhh!]
He's crazy.
Come on. Let's go down and get the reward.
We solved it. You solved it. The credit is all yours.
The painting was eaten by a left-handed moth.
- Hey, you know, we did a good day's work.
How do you feel? Tired?
Maybe you outta lie down for a couple of years, eh?
Eh, it's-a nothing.
- Why don't you just lie down until rigor mortis sets in.
Eh, it's-a nothing.
- Now look, Ravelli.
I'll show you how
we'll get the painting.
We'll go to court...
and we'll get out a writ of habeas corpus.
You gonna get rid-a what?
Ohhh, I should never have started that way,
I can see that.
I say, I say, we'll go to court.
And we'll get out a writ of habeas corpus.
Yes, a-corpus. It's a-corpus.
- Didn't you ever see a habeas corpus?
No, but I see "Habeas Irish Rose".
- [hraAaahhhhh!]
Hey, It's-a crazy.
- [stomp] [...hraAaahhhhh!...] [stomp] [stomp]
Good morning.
- Good morning. - Good morning.
Mr. Chandler, why don't you go
down to the beach with the others?
I'm sure you'd feel better.
If I had my Beaugard,
I'm sure I would feel better.
Oh, but we're doing
everything we can.
Mrs. Rittenhouse! Mrs. Rittenhouse. I have it!
- The Beaugard!
Wonderful! My Beaugard! I-
Wait! This is not my Beaugard.
This is a rank imitation. Where did you find it?
Why, in Mr. uh...
- In Mr. Parker's room, madam.
Parker?! One thing is certain.
The man who made that, stole the Beaugard.
Hives, find Mr. Parker and
ask him to come here.
Certainly, madam.
Wait a minute. My men will bring him in.
Get out and get Mr. Parker.
Now listen.
What's the matter with this?
Well, look at here.
You've only to look at it once to see
what it is. It is a rank nothing, it is not...
♪ [ la dum ] ♪
♪ [ lee dum ] ♪
♪ [ la dum, lee dum, la dum ] ♪
♪ [ La dum, Lee dum, La dum ] ♪
♪ [ wheet wheet wheet ] ♪
♪ [ trill... ] ♪
♪ [ wheet wheee ] ♪
Mother, what's wrong?
Mr. Parker, something very mysterious has occurred
and I'm afraid you're the only one who can explain.
I'd be only too glad to,
if I can.
Nothing mysterious about it.
We found this in your room.
Now, what have you done with the
original Beaugard? Come clean!
Come on! Out with it!
- Really, I think it would be wise...
Well, I have nothing to say.
Except that I don't know where the Beaugard is.
Well, how is it we found this in your room?
Come on. You'd better come with me.
You can't take him!
Arabella!
♪ We will sing, one, song ♪
♪ For my old Kentucky home ♪
♪ For my old -
Ken-tUuuckyyy home ♪
♪ Faaaaar Awaaaaay... ♪
♪ ... Ohhh Faaaar Aaaawaaaaay... ♪
This program is coming to you
from the House of David
He's either got that suit on upside-down
or there is no law of gravity.
Einstein or no Einstein.
- My tie!
Oh, Captain, what shall I do?
They're going to arrest John.
Who's going to arrest John?
- I am, Captain!
Oh, you are, eh!
Well, let me tell you something.
The first thing they teach you at Scotland
Yard is never to arrest an innocent man.
But he's not innocent.
I'll have to arrest him, just the same.
By all means,
or nobody will be safe here.
You can't arrest him. I stole it.
- Arabella!
Don't listen to her, Officer.
I did it.
They're both lying. I did it!
I did it with my little hatchet.
Eh, he's-a crazy, he's-a crazy.
I confess. I did it.
Maybe nobody stole the painting.
Maybe there was no painting.
That's right.
Maybe there was no painting. I saw it.
Cut out all the talk!
Who stole the painting?
""I did!""
- Good gracious. What in the world?
[thump thump thump]
What, you?! You took the picture?
Where is it?
Aw! That's a horse.
The Beaugard! That is my Beaugard!
- Ahhh.
No.
No, that isn't your Beaugard.
Don't be ridiculous. I paid $100,000 for this painting.
I know what I bought.
Well, look at the signature.
"John Parker".
Somebody changed it.
[slap. slap slap slap]
That is my Beaugard!
That is the Beaugard, I tell you. Here it is!
Ah, but that one. That has the color,
the depth, the soul of the Beaugard.
Only a master could have
produced a painting like that.
Oh, John!
You mean to tell me
that you painted that?
Yes, sir.
- Why, young man, you're a genius.
You're a genius! I commission you
to paint a portrait of me immediately.
Well, you'll better mate-wait until tomorrow.
I'm going to be busy all day. - Yes. [giggling]
You'd better come with me, young fellow.
- Don't take him away, officer.
He returned the paintings.
Pardon me, my name is Spaulding.
I've always wanted to meet you.
Alright. I'll let him go this time.
But I want to give you some advice.
You're running around with the wrong kind of people.
You wanna be a crook?
Now, why don't you go home?
- He's got no home.
Go home for a few nights
and stay home.
Don't you know your
poor old mother sits there...
[clang]
[clang]
...sits there, night after...
[clang]
night after night...
[clang]
waiting to hear your steps [clink]
on the stairs. - Got no stairs.
And I can see a little light
burning [clink] in the
burning in the window.
No you can't!
The gas company turned it off.
Now, what I'm telling you
is for your own
[Crash] good.
[clang, clang]
And if you listen to me,
[clang, clang]
you can't go wrong.
[clink, CRASH, clatter, clang... clang... clang]
This may go on for years.
- Now, there's just one thing...
[CRASH, clang... clang... clang... clink]
I can't understand what's
delaying that coffee pot?
[clunk]
Where's the cream?
- Well, yu certainly, surprised me.
Me too. I thought he had more than that.
- There's no use giving you any advice.
Captain, this time I'm afraid I'll have to take him.
Come on here. Come on... Come on.
Oh, what are you doing? Oh, Captain, you've got to save us.
- No, no, don't be spraying that around here.
- You're going to have everyone around here...
Oh, my dear! ... Oh!
Hey, what's the idea?
- Jamison, take a letter to my lawyers.
No, no. Oh no. Oh, no, no. Not- Any-but...
Oh. Oh, to think that that I've got to go! So young!
[squirt squirt squirt...]
Good. Come on, now. Let's get outta here
before- before they all wake up. Hurry up.
[squirt] Come on. Come on.
[squirt squirt squirt...]
♪ [romantic music...] ♪
♪ [fanfare music] ♪
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Animal Crackers (1930)
Moderators: Maskath3, sidolanters, GabrielAlejo2341
Watch on Amazon Merchandise Collectables
The older Classic's that just won't die. Everything from before 1960's.
The older Classic's that just won't die. Everything from before 1960's.