Down Missouri Way (1946)

[bunniefuu]

♪ There's nothin' like

an old Missouri hayride ♪

♪ when the moon

is shining up above ♪

♪ come along

and have yourself a g*y ride ♪

♪ cuddle up

beside the one you love... ♪

[ New tune ]

[♪ this love

I have for you ♪

♪ it just can't miss ♪

♪ I fall in love

with you ♪

♪ each time we kiss ♪

♪ to me you're everything ♪

♪ my dream of dreams ♪

♪ come true ♪

♪ I am so ♪

In love with you... ♪

I fail to see

a single reason

for this

display of ignorance.

You couldn'tforget

everything I've taught you.

Now, let's try it again.

Shirley, you know

you can do better than that!

Don't you know you're being

graded on your efforts?

Shirley, I-I can't

understand this...

You behaved as if

you've never had

a single day's

scientific training

in your life!

A two-year-old

could do better!

Man:

Uh, professor Caldwell --

I presume you would

like to know

the results

of our examination.

Yes, professor Morris.

Disposition: Moody.

And listless.

Professor:

Moody

and listless.

Behavior: Obstinate.

And independent.

I would say yes --

obstinate

and independent.

I'm sure you gentlemen

will revise your opinions

at the next

examination.

I have no explanation

for her behavior today,

but I just

feel that --

"feel"? Ha!

Only a woman would oppose

unalterable scientific facts

with...intuition.

Yes.

Shirley,

it's time to go!

Shirley's never

behaved as badly before.

Compared to her dullness,

that cow's a mental wonder!

Maybe being

neighbors with valenti

ain't so good --

I think I ought to

change Shirley's stall.

Perhaps a change

would help --

some mountain air

and a romp down on the farm

might be

just the thing.

Mortimer, we're

taking Shirley back home.

But Shirley's

college property now --

if professor Morris finds out,

there'll be a heap of trouble.

And I'm liable

to lose my position

if I don't find out the reason

for Shirley's conduct.

Take the noon train

and have Cindy meet me

at the depot tomorrow.

Maybe it ain't

such a bad idea...

I ain't seen Cindy

for quite a spell.

That's right.

See you on the farm.

Seems like

both you and miss Jane

have been kinda

out of sorts lately...

There's gonna be

trouble with this...

But I'll see Cindy...

I reckon a fella

that's been spoken for

should see his gal

more than twice a year, huh?

[ Snorts ]

♪ You've been

livin' on oats and corn ♪

♪ the luckiest mule

that was ever born ♪

♪ now, my friend,

it's time to shove ♪

♪ we're off to see ♪

♪ the gal I love ♪

♪ there's a Rose ♪

That grows in the ozarks ♪

♪ there was never ♪

♪ a Rose so fair ♪

♪ been away too long ♪

♪ from the ozarks ♪

♪ and the Rose ♪

♪ that I left down there ♪

♪ oh, we gotta hurry

to the heart of Missouri ♪

♪ hurry back

to claim my prize ♪

♪ and while I'm a-wooin' ♪

♪ and a-billin'

and a-cooin' ♪

♪ you can

shut your eyes ♪

♪ there's a Rose ♪

♪ that grows in the ozarks ♪

♪ and there ain't ♪

♪ any thorns on her ♪

♪ but they can't ♪

♪ pick my Rose

of the ozarks ♪

♪ 'cause she's already ♪

♪ spoken for ♪

♪ oh, we gotta hurry

to the heart of Missouri ♪

♪ hurry back

to claim my prize ♪

♪ and while I'm a-wooin' ♪

♪ and a-billin'

and a-cooin' ♪

♪ you can

shut your eyes ♪

♪ there's a Rose ♪

♪ that grows in the ozarks ♪

♪ and there ain't ♪

♪ any thorns on her ♪

♪ but they can't ♪

♪ pick my Rose

of the ozarks ♪

♪ 'cause she's already ♪

♪ spoken for ♪

Cindy, miss Jane's gonna be

madder than a wet hen![ Motor sputtering ]

Ain't nothin'

to what she's gonna be

when she finds all them

strangers on our property!

Well, they're

paying good money

just to take

some pictures

of the farm --

that ain't no reason for

miss Jane to get angry.

Don't need no reason,

the way she's been

feeling lately.

You shouldn't'a

rented the farm

to those movin' picture folks,

not without askin'.

Don't you side with pappy.

Start this thing!

Might help if you'd

turn on the ignition.

Oh, that![ Engine starts ]

Seems like

females is just...

Well, females.

Mules or women --

they're always

in a tizzy!

Ain't a single reason

why Shirley won't drink,

but she won't.

"Shirley" --

why, any self-respecting mule

would die of shame

before she'd let anyone

call her Shirley!

In my days,

mules didn't go traipsin'

up and down

to college and such,

no sir![ Brays ]

Sounds exactly like

one of them thievin' mccoys!

If I thought she was,

I'd bust her wide open!

Oh, pappy,

put yer r*fle down.

Shirley's

kinda touchy.

Hmph. Might

hurt her feelings.

Stop sloshin'

that water around!

Makes me thirsty..

By thunder,

I amthirsty.

Your office

is in the trailer,

Mr. Burton.

The phone's

been connected.

Thanks.

Where would I

find Mr. Dunning?

I think he's

in miss Baxter's

dressing room.

This is perfect --

much better than anything

we could have

built at the studio.

It sure is --

it's the real McCoy.

Pappy:

McCoy!!!

I'll blast the first McCoy

that shows his face

around here!

Hold it, pappy --

there's no McCoy

around here.

This is our producer,

Mr. Burton.

Burton, huh?

Not from the chattahoochi-

platte burtons?!

I'd just as soon

sh**t one of them

as a McCoy!

No! I'm strictly

a sunset strip Burton.

From out

californee way.

Probably shoulda let him

have one blast anyway.

Woman:

Such delicacy!

It's bad enough

doing the part,

but this scene!

My dear Gloria,

the true artist

can rise above her role,

ifshe but possesses

the divine madness.

Madness my eye --

I wasn't born yesterday.

True, but with

proper makeup,

I think we can effectively

conceal that from the camera.

Sure, boss,

that #37 pancake

would hide

the wrinkles

on an elephant!

Wrinkles?!

My darling,

I'm so glad you've

finallyarrived.

From outside it sounded

like a Hollywood conference.

What's the trouble?

Your star has taken exception

to the dramatic scene --

it doesn't

do her justice.

It most certainly doesn't!

Just read this.

Up to the part

about the mule!

There's

another thing --

here we are in Missouri,

the capital of the mules --

do I have a mule? No!

Anything wrong,

Sam?

None of 'em have had

the body, the look,

or the voice.

But I'm expecting

another bunch

any minute now.

"Bunch"? Am I going

to direct bananas?!

I want a mule!

Tony's right, Sam,

the gimmick in the story

is the mule --

get him

what he wants.

My darling,

we were

discussing my scene.

Don't you worry,

I'll get it

fixed up for you.

Thank you, darling,

I knew you would.

Here come

the new mules!

Probably another lot

of scrawny imitations.

Shall we

have a look?

Oh, Mike...

I'll be right

with you, Sam.

Mike, darling,

you don't seem a bit

glad to see me.

Of course I am,

but I only just arrived.

I haven't even

had time to clean up.

I've got to fix that scene

for you, you know.

All right -- you can read it

to me in your office later.

That'll be fine,

I'll see that

thorny's there, too.

Too long!

Too short!

You call that a tail?

The ozark terror --

with this one,

I could do a horror picture.

You expect me to

get a performance

out of these?

Losethem.

Sorry, bub --

the voice

won't record.

See what I mean,

Mike?

Don't worry,

well pick one up.

"Pick one up"?

Can one "pick up"

a Lillian Russell?!

I can see

the symmetry

of her legs,

the delicacy

of her ankles,

the grace of

her every step,

the ripple of her --

of course, I don't know nothin'

about no ripples,

but if it's a mule

you're lookin' for,

there's one out there

in that there b-b-b-barn.

Direct from college --

got a diploma, too.

Mortimer here

takes care of her.

That might be it,

thorny.

Iam interested.

Well, you can see her,

but the boss

won't be home

for a spell.

More than likely

wouldn't let you

use her, anyway.

Sourest disposition

this side of the ozarks.

The mule's, too.

Shirley's been

kinda poorly of late.

That's why professor Caldwell

brought her down to the farm.

Shirley's been

hand-raised --

scientific.

"Shirley"...

A name of the aroma

of appleblossoms

in springtime.

Take a look --

if you want her,

I'll see the owner.

Pappy'll show her to you --

I'll get her some turnips.

Oh, you better

be kinda careful...

She's a little fussy

around strangers.

Sounds like

that mule's

particular.

A sign of artistic temperament,

the true Mark of the thespian.

We shall approach Shirley

with the dignity

and discretion

befitting her stature.

Lead me to her.

♪ La da Dee ♪

♪ what's the matter with me? ♪

♪ Looks like

maybe I'm slippin' ♪

♪ oh, I don't

ever remember ♪

♪ having trouble with men

in the past ♪

♪ comes a man

I'd love to get ♪

♪ but I'm gettin' nowhere fast ♪

♪ I turn it on ♪

♪ but he won't look ♪

♪ I just can't

get his eye ♪

♪ done everything

that's in the book ♪

♪ but just can't

get that guy ♪

♪ I play it fast ♪

♪ I play it loose ♪

♪ the limit is the sky ♪

♪ but still I'm in

the old caboose ♪

♪ just can't

get that guy ♪

♪ with guys

a dime a dozen ♪

♪ seekin' company ♪

♪ why do I have to

go for a guy ♪

♪ who doesn't

go for me? ♪

♪ He says hello ♪

♪ but in a rush ♪

♪ I get a fast goodbye ♪

♪ instead of love,

I get the brush ♪

♪ just can't

get that guy ♪

♪ with guys

a dime a dozen ♪

♪ seekin' company ♪

♪ why do I have to

go for a guy ♪

♪ who doesn't go for me ♪

♪ he says hello ♪

♪ but in a rush ♪

♪ I get a fast goodbye ♪

♪ instead of love ♪

♪ I get the brush ♪

♪ just can't get that guy ♪

Who's the lucky girl?

Oh, these

are for Cindy,

but I can

get her some more.

Well, a regular

stagedoor Johnny.

Nope, my name's

Mortimer.

No!yep.

All right, Mortimer,

now I'll give yousomething.

Would you like to have

an autographed picture of me?

I reckon

I would, ma'am.

Well, come in

and pick one out.

Yes, ma'am!

[ Construction noises ]

I'm sorry,

miss Jane,

I just reckoned it wouldn't

harm the place none.

I know you thought

you were doing right, but --

♪ [ big band music blares] ♪

All this noise

is impossible!

I'll never

get any work done!

Oh, uh...

Miss Baxter's --

"to Mortimer.

Affectionately, Gloria."

"Affectionately"!

Where can I find

the man in charge?

That's Mr. Burton,

he's over in the trailer.

Cindy, ain't nothin'

to that picture!

I'll make sure

of that!

[ Knocking ]

Come back later,

I'm busy.

All right,

what it is?

If you'll

put some clothes on,

I could discuss

my business properly.

Oh, I'm sorry.

Pardon me.

Business? Discuss

what business?

This motion picture business.

I came down here with my mule --

mule? You'll have to see

Mr. Dunning, our director.

I was told you were

in charge of this company.

I am, but i'mnot

hiring the mule --

I know, Mr. Dunning

is hiring the mule.

Right, and he may

already have one.

Belonging to

the owner

of this farm.

Well, that takes care

of Mr. Dunning.

Now, if you'll

permit me to finish, I --

whose mule?!

Professor Caldwell's mule.

If that's all settled,

perhaps you'll leave

and I can forget

about yourmule.

That's an excellent idea.

And as for leaving,

youcan start immediately.

You happen to be

using myproperty.

Now, see here, I --

yourproperty?

But I --

you'renot

professor Caldwell?

I am, and I'll expect you to

be gone no later than tomorrow.

Yes, but I --[ Telephone rings ]

Just a minute,

will you, please?

Hello?

Oh, hello, j.O. --

Snapshots?

Oh, locations.

Glad you liked them.

Hold it --

I want to talk to you.

No, I don't want to

talk to you,j.O.

I mean, of course

I want to talk to you!

Can't we talk

this thing over?

I simply must have

the use of my farm.

But we won't

hurt the farm --

what's that?

Oh, certainly, j.O.,

we'll use the farm.

You certainly

will not!

If you're here

tomorrow afternoon,

I'll have you

arrested for trespassing.

But we can't move,

it would delay

the sh**ting schedule.

What's that?

Certainly, we'll

come in on schedule,

don't worry

about a thing.

Okay, goodbye.

Professor...

Miss Caldwell.

Can't we

straighten

this thing out?

I'm sorry, my experiments

can't be disturbed.

You'll have to

find some other place.

She's a gorgeousanimal,

just the type!

Are you listening,

Mike?

That lady you just

passed outside

is its owner.

The mule?

Did we get it?

She ordered US

to moveby tomorrow.

But it's

a perfect location!

She can't

do this to me!!

This is no time

for dramatics, thorny.

I've got to think.

Think?! What is there

to think about?

She's a woman,

is she not?

She is not.

Professor Caldwell

is a scientist.

Oh, I see.

We have brains

to deal with, eh?

Yes.

A scientist...

Thorndyke, I am about

to become...

Temperamental.

We've got a bit of

scientific reading to do.

[ Knocking ]

Come in.

Good evening,

miss Caldwell.

I realized that we'd be

disturbing your work here,

so I've ordered

my company

to pack up.

If you'll just

sign this release

to the effect

that we haven't

caused any damages.

On the bottom line,

please.

Anything wrong?

No, no --

won't you sit down?

Mr., ah...

Mr. Burton.

No thanks,

I'm much too nervous.

Aren't you

going to sign it?

Yes...

Yes, of course.

But this happens to be

a confidential report

from a psychiatrist.

Oh, did I

give you that?

I'm terribly sorry, I didn't

mean to waste your time.

On the contrary,

it's quite interesting.

I'm a scientist,

you know.

Yes.

Tell me, Mr. Burton,

in view of this,

you're undoubtedly a victim

of gastroepiploic sinistra.

Well, I -- huh?

Oh, yes! Of course!Of course.

What usually happens

when you get these attacks?

Well, it's

very disturbing,

you see,

it sort of flips,

and then it flops.

You see?

Flip. Flop.

Oh...

When it flips or flops,

does it hurt?

Hurt? Sometimes

it almost kills me!

Mine is one of the rarest

cases on record!

I remember reading

of a similar case.

The patient occasionally

would lose his equilibrium

and fall to the floor.

Fall to the floor?

Flat on his face.

Oh, yes, of course,

that happens to me

quite frequently.

I never know

when it's gonna hit.

[ Groans ]

Oh...

The poor man -- it'll be hours

before the attack subsides.

[ Moans ]

Ha ha!

What's so funny?

You, Mr. Burton.

For your information,

we're allvictims of

gastroepiploic sinistra.

It's an artery

in the stomach,

not a disease.

Oh, is it?

Ha ha ha!

Pardon me while I

brush the hayseeds

out of my hair.

I was under the impression

there was straw in yours.

Any chance of you

changing your mind

about our staying here?

You know, for one of

the rarest cases on record?

Well, that should

merit consideration...

All right.

You can use the farm.

Thanks, miss Caldwell.

Remarkable how rapidly

I've recovered, isn't it?

Thanks again.

Come visit US

on the set.

Good night,

miss Caldwell.

Good night.

[ Sighs ]

A gal could do much worse --

he sure is a good lookin' fella!

Yes, isn't he!

Don't be a silly goose.

I've no time for such nonsense.

Oh, of course,

miss Jane,

but he sure is

handsomenonsense.

♪ La da Dee

da dum ♪

♪ la da Dee

da dum ♪

♪ da Dee... ♪

♪ Never knew

that I could sing ♪

♪ but here I am

a-makin' up a tune ♪

♪ I'm a little bit

befuddled and bewildered ♪

♪ could it be the moon? ♪

♪ Never knew that

I could sing ♪

♪ I never knew

I even had a voice ♪

♪ but my heart

is making music inside me ♪

♪ and I have no choice ♪

♪ all at once

I find myself ♪

♪ in a cozy mist ♪

♪ I wonder if

you feel this way ♪

♪ when you've

just been kissed ♪

♪ I never sang a song before ♪

♪ but suddenly,

I'm cooin' like a dove ♪

♪ putting two and two

together ♪

♪ makes me kind of think ♪

♪ maybe it's love ♪

♪ my, oh, me ♪

♪ I'm so at sea ♪

♪ that I don't know

what to do ♪

It's so strange ♪

♪ but a lovely change ♪

♪ from the humdrum world ♪

♪ I knew ♪

♪ all at once

I find myself ♪

♪ in a rosy mist ♪

♪ I wonder if

you feel this way ♪

♪ when you've

just been kissed ♪

♪ I never sang a song

before ♪

♪ but suddenly

I'm cooin' like a dove ♪

♪ puttin' two and two

together ♪

♪ makes me kind of think ♪

♪ maybe it's love ♪

♪ ah, ah...Ah ah ah ♪

♪ ah, ah...Ah ah ♪

♪ maybe it's love ♪

[ Sighs ]

There's nothing

like fresh ozark

mountain air.

I've been

breathin' it

a long time,

but it never made me

feel like that.

Shirley,

you're well again!

She perked right up

when she heard you singin'.

That wasyou singin',

wasn't it, miss Jane?

Yes, but I still

don't understand.

My theories

about the farm

must be correct.

Let's see if she

really is all right.

Smile, Shirley.

Smile...

That's good.

Do you like me?

Kneel.

That's wonderful, Shirley,

you were perfect!

[ Braying in next stall ]

Looks like we're gonna

have a new one anytime now!

That Mortimer,

always carryin' on.

Ever since he

got back from that college,

he's been

acting pure foolish!

Cindy...

How do you know when

you're doing something foolish?

Like falling in love?

I guess you never do

quite really know.

But when the fresh mountain air

suddenly makes you want to sing,

I'd say that's it.

Boy, she's sure got a case

on that Mr. Burton.

An hour ago she was trying

to get him off the property.

Yep, but since then

she's been breathin'

the fresh mountain air.

Well, so have I.

You have?

Sure, but it ain't

changed menone.

Course not, miss Baxter's been

makin' all the changes for you!

Now Cindy, I told you

there was nothin' to it.

♪ Got a feelin'

you've been cheating ♪

♪ somethin's missing

in your kiss ♪

♪ but before

you start repeatin' ♪

♪ oh, baby,

hang your hat on this ♪

♪ you gotta see me

every night ♪

♪ you gotta stop

the monkey business ♪

♪ you better leave

the monkey business ♪

♪ to monkeys in the zoo ♪

♪ you gotta

treat your baby right ♪

♪ you better stop

the monkey business ♪

♪ 'cause when it

comes to monkey business ♪

♪ well, I can monkey, too ♪

♪ you said that

you would love me only ♪

♪ and that's the way

it's gotta be ♪

♪ a monkey's

satisfied with peanuts ♪

♪ oh, but peanuts

ain't enough for me ♪

♪ you gotta give me

all your time ♪

♪ you gotta settle down

to business ♪

♪ you better leave

the monkey business ♪

♪ or I'll be leaving you ♪

♪ I wasn't steppin' out

tonight ♪

♪ oh, it was

strictly donkey business ♪

♪ I wasn't up to

monkey business ♪

♪ 'cause honey,

I love you ♪

♪ you gotta

treat that donkey right ♪

♪ you know

she's gotta have her turnips ♪

♪ there ain't no need

for you to burn up ♪

♪ you know I love you true ♪

♪ oh, I was only

feedin' Shirley ♪

♪ 'cause Shirley's

gotta eat, you see ♪

♪ she may be satisfied

with them turnips ♪

♪ but Mortimer ♪

♪ turnips ain't never

gonna be enough for me ♪

♪ I give you all the time

I can ♪

♪ there's never

any monkey business ♪

♪ but now i'm

off on donkey business ♪

♪ so I'll be seein' you ♪

[ Snorts ]

♪ You got to

give me all your time ♪

♪ you got to

settle right down to business ♪

♪ you better leave

the monkey business ♪

♪ or I'll be leaving you!!! ♪

Magnificent!

You pulled a fast one

and she fell for it.

Not exactly.

Idid the falling.

Oh, you became

quite friendly?

I got the location,

didn't I?

A meritorious achievement --

but what about my mule?

She's experimenting

with that mule,

I was afraid

she'd turn me down.

But I have an idea

how we can get it.

After last night,

nothing should be

toodifficult.

Much to my regret,

I feel inclined to

agree with, uh...

Our star.

You must have made

someprogress with her.

We didpart

on friendly terms --

that's why

I hate to do this.

Mike, this is no time

to let a mere friendship

come between

me and that mule!

We've got

a picture to make!

I guess you're right.

Well, this is the idea --

I've invited her

to come and watch US work.

When she gets there,

we'll pretend to discuss

the impossibility

of the mule acting on cue.

She sticks her nose in

and we get the mule?

Right.

Why all the strategy?

She's only a little hick.

Gloria, did you ever have

gastroepiploic sinistra?

Gastro-what?

You get it by

thinking you're smarter

than that little hick.

Good luck on

your first day's

sh**ting, anyway.

Thanks, old boy,

I'll need it.

With this

outstandingcast,

I don't know whether

to use a camera or a g*n.

I guess you must be

from the flatlands.

I ain't got much use

for valley folks.

That's swell stuff,

fella, but...

You're wearing

that beard wrong.

What the Sam hill

are you talking about?!

I've always wore

my beard this way!

Now look,

the dialect is great,

but they're not

wearing beards that way.

I ought to know --

I've made twenty of

these hillbilly pictures.

Here, I'll show you --ow!!!

I oughta bust you

wide open!

Why, it's the McCoy!

McCoy?!

If there's a McCoy

around here,

let him come out

a-shootin'!

She's coming,

Mr. Burton.

Thank you.

This is

impossible!

What am I,

an animal trainer?

The writer must

have been demented.

No mule can do the things

that this script calls for.

Well, I --

oh, good morning,

miss Caldwell.

This is Gloria Baxter,

our star,

and thorndyke dunning,

our director.

How do you do?

Did I interrupt you?

No, not at all.

The writer of this script

has done all the interrupting.

As a matter of fact,

he hasn't stopped.

It's absurd --

asking a mule to waltz!

And lie down

and sit down on cue!

Some of my actors

can't even do that.

We'll have to cut out

the part about the mule.

They're stubborn, anyway.

They are not!

My mule Shirley's

intelligence

almost equals

that of a human.

You mean your mule

would roll over and sit up?

Easily, and more.

ThatI've got to see.

[ Whistles ]

It worked.

I didn't think

she'd fall so easily.

This is Shirley.

Well, she might do.

Sit down, Shirley.

Pleasesit down?

Sit down!

She won't

work that way.

Shirley and I have

a little secret --

let me show you.

♪ Never knew that

I could sing ♪

♪ but here I am

a-makin' up a tune ♪

♪ I'm a little bit

befuddled and bewildered ♪

♪ could it be the moon ♪

Never sang a song before ♪

♪ but suddenly

I'm cooin' like a dove ♪

♪ putting two and two

together ♪

♪ makes me kind of think ♪

♪ maybe it's love ♪

Now, Shirley, you do just as

Mr. Dunning tells you.

Do you like me,

Shirley?

Hmm...give Sam

a big kiss.

Ha! A natural born actress!

If I had another one,

I could make an epic.

Terrific,

eh, Sam?

Yeah,

she sure is terrific.

A complete understatement --

she's sensational!

Yes, boss.

Under my direction,

you will positively

achieve stardom.

Your name will

be in lights!

[ Snorts ]

Ah, you understand.

Wait here while I go and try

to make the actors understand.

Ifthat is possible.

You've done a great job

with Shirley, miss Caldwell.

It wasn't difficult.

Shirley, like all

other animals,

responds to affection

and intelligent treatment.

Miss Caldwell probably

spends all her time

in the mule's company.

Why, yes.

You see, Shirley's

always a perfect lady.

Really.

Well, I, uh,

must change.

See you later,

darling.

Don't pay any attention

to Gloria,

she's the eternal actress.

But I think Shirley's going to

give her some competition.

Wait till we start

her publicity campaign.

No, Mr. Burton.

You may use Shirley,

but no publicity.

But why not?

She's perfect copy.

In a scientific journal, yes,

but on a theatrical page, no.

Midlands college

of agriculture

has a name for it --

unethical exhibitionism.

Very well, miss Caldwell.

You have my word --

no publicity as far as

Shirley's concerned.

Yes, j.O., the mule's

a natural born actress!

Sensational!

No, j.O., I haven't

had a chance

to talk to Mr. Burton

about publicity.

He's busy on the set.

You're right, j.O.,

she oughta make

wonderful copy.

Okay, j.O.

No, I won't say a word

to Mr. Burton about it.

Check, j.O.

I'll have the still man

send some publicity shots

by plane immediately.

Thorny:

All right,

places, everybody.

Quiet on the set!

[ Conversation stops ]

Sam:

Quiet!!!

Quiet on the set!!!

Camera.

Action.

So you're back

from the big city,

eh, daughter?

Looks like you done

right well by yourself.

Not too bad.

You sure have

changed a lot, daughter.

Been around, pa.

♪ [ Music plays] ♪

♪ I was just a local gal ♪

♪ rosy cheeks and all ♪

♪ I didn't know from nothin' ♪

♪ till I heard

the city's call ♪

♪ but now I know

the answers ♪

♪ I'm really flyin' high ♪

♪ there's nothin'

like the big town ♪

♪ and I'm here

to tell you why ♪

♪ did you ever see

a penthouse? ♪

♪ No, no ♪

♪ well, I'll tell you

what they are ♪

♪ it's a house in the sky ♪

♪ and it's up so high ♪

♪ you can pick yourself

a star ♪

♪ did you ever

see a nightclub ♪

♪ no, no ♪

♪ well, then listen,

I'll explain ♪

♪ it's an intimate room

where celebrities bloom ♪

♪ where you dance

and drink champagne ♪

♪ you can have

your sweet potato socials ♪

♪ your barnyards,

you can keep ♪

♪ while I'm countin'

silver foxes ♪

♪ you can count your sheep ♪

♪ were you ever

in the big town ♪

♪ no, no ♪

♪ well, it's something

you should see ♪

♪ oh, it glitters

and gleams ♪

♪ it's the city of dreams ♪

♪ it's the only place for me ♪

♪ you can have

your penthouse ♪

♪ we're happy

where we are ♪

♪ just give US

the old front porch ♪

♪ a bow and a sweet guitar ♪

♪ we don't want no nightclubs ♪

♪ the drugstore's okey-doke ♪

♪ holdin' hands

in a corner booth ♪

♪ while we're sippin' a coke ♪

♪ we don't have

no silver foxes ♪

♪ wrapped around our neck ♪

♪ the boyfriend's arms

ain't silver foxes ♪

♪ but they keep US warm,

by heck ♪

♪ you can have

the big town ♪

♪ and all that glamour stuff ♪

♪ we don't want

no part of it ♪

♪ the farm is good enough ♪

♪ you can have your surrey

with the fringes ♪

♪ your roads are

much too rough ♪

♪ keep your apple cider binges ♪

♪ who can drink that stuff? ♪

♪ I'm a gal

who knows the big town ♪

♪ know it cold

from a to z ♪

♪ you can live as you feel ♪

♪ it's a wonderful deal ♪

♪ in the big town,

yes, sirree ♪

♪ I'm a big town gal,

that's me ♪

We mustn't talk,

sound might pick up

our voices.

[ Huffs ]

Cut!!

We'll have to

take it again.

Without me --

I'm too tired!

Mike:

What happened?

Does anything

have to happen?

With Gloria,

it a automatic.

I'd better

go get her

or we'll spend

the rest of the day

admiring the scenery.

Pardon me,

miss Caldwell.

Appeal to

her better side.

If you can find it!

The next time anybody

walks off my set,

it will be I.

Blowing up

in the middle of a scene!

You can end it on Gloria's song

and cut the rest, thorny.

"Cut" -- that's the extent

of magnet pictures'vocabulary.

"Cut the budget,

it's too high,"

"cut the schedule,

it's too long."

We've been pretty luck

so far, thorny.

Gloria:

After all,

you did get the mule

and the location.

And you can keep it.

The place reeks

of rural atmosphere.

Your attitude

is all wrong, Gloria.

When in the ozarks,

do as the --

what isthere

to do here, Mike?

Why, lots of things --

you're born,

you get married,

you pay taxes

and die.

Just one thing

you forgot, ma'am.

That's getting

the mortgage.

That comes between

paying taxes and dying.

Of course,

we do have barn dances.

And sweet potato socials?

No, thanks.

You ain't even

been invited yet.

Invited to what, pappy?

Sweet potato social.

Miss Jane'd like

to invite you folks over.

We're gonna have music

and -- and -- and --

well, what?

You'd be surprised.

Thanks very much.

Tell miss Caldwell

we'll be over.

So long.

"Sweet potato social --"

sounds like

an appetizing pastime.

Me for those

sweet potatoes!

Say, Mr. Burton,

shall I send these contracts

with the rest of the stuff?

Let me see them.

I think I'd better

go have miss Caldwell

sign these first.

That's as good a reason as any,

isn't it, Mike, dear?

♪ Never knew

that I could sing ♪

♪ but here I am

a-makin' up a tune ♪

♪ I'm a little bit

befuddled and bewildered ♪

♪ could it be the moon ♪

♪ never sang a song before ♪

♪ but suddenly

I'm cooin' like a dove ♪

♪ puttin' two and two

together ♪

♪ makes me kind of think ♪

♪ maybe it's love ♪

[ Knocking ]

Mike:

Miss Caldwell?

I just came over here

to see if you could --

well, why don't you

say it?

Say what?

That I look silly.

Oh, you mean

the hair?

Well, no, I wouldn't

say it was exactly...

Uh, no.

No?

No, I'd say...

Pardon me.

No.

No?

No, no...

I'd say that --

well, of course

if you --

if you lift this

back up like that...

See, a much

better line,

and on this side, too.

Right over there.

Now, you see?

There.

Perfect.

Thanks.

All right,

I'll accept them

with your signature

on these contracts.

It's just your permission

to use Shirley and the farm

in the picture.

That won't be

necessary.

In this part of the country,

one's word is sufficient,

and you have mine.

That would be

more than enough for me,

but this is a formality

that my company demands.

Cindy:

Miss Jane!

Miss Jane!

Miss Jane,

it's gonna happen!

What'sgoing

to happen?!

I don't think miss Jane

would want you in there.

Why? What's going on?

You know,

the mare.

Huh?

Oh...

Any minute now.

Mortimer!

Get some water, quick!

Fetch a blanket

from the house!

Fetch a hot water bag!

Quick!

Miss Jane's best cover...

Well, she'll

forgive you.

Well, I --

What's all

the commotion about?!

Shh! The mare,

you know.

Why didn't

you say so?

Well, that calls

for a drink.

Pappy! Put down

that jug!

I always celebrate

a birthin' or a weddin'.

If you'd like a drink,

you're sure welcome.

No thanks, pappy.

Birthin's ain't

exactly necessary

for pappy

to start celebratin'.

Mortimer, you get to be

more like Cindy every day!

Is everything

all right, miss Caldwell?

Just routine.

Just routine?

There's no need

for excitement.

I guess

you're right.

When you've been

scientifically trained,

it isjust routine.

Can we see it now,

miss Jane?

Of course.

Would you like to,

Mr. Burton?

Yes, thank you.

Cindy:

Isn't she cute?

Mortimer:

Mm-hmm!

Almost nothing

to her.

Look at the trust

in her eyes...

Asking no questions,

just accepting US.

How wonderful nature is

to create such perfection

and instill it

with life.

With her first breath,

that little creature

is already far greater

than anything man or science

could ever produce.

Just routine.

♪ I get up

before the roosters ♪

♪ and I work

like heck all day ♪

♪ the life I lead,

to say the least ♪

♪ is sad ♪

♪ why, I've got

too much talent ♪

♪ to go along this way ♪

♪ I'm slowly, slowly, slowly ♪

♪ going mad ♪

♪ if somethin'

don't happen soon ♪

I'll be talking like a...

♪ [ Jibberish ] ♪

♪ I'll be crazy

as a loon ♪

♪ if somethin'

don't happen soon ♪

♪ I'm sick of picking chickens ♪

♪ and a-tuggin' at the cows ♪

♪ I'm weary of

the life I have to lead ♪

♪ a girl with all my talents ♪

♪ shouldn't have to

push a plow ♪

♪ I'm slowly, slowly ♪

♪ goin' right to sea ♪

♪ if somethin'

don't happen soon ♪

♪ I'll be makin' like a --

oink! Oink! Moo! Moo! ♪

♪ I'll be crazy

as a loon ♪

♪ if somethin'

don't happen soon ♪

♪ now, listen to me closely ♪

♪ and you'll really

get a thrill ♪

♪ can't you picture me

in opera ♪

♪ makin' slightly

with a trill ♪

♪ [ plays trill ] ♪

♪ La Dee bibbl-Dee-hah-hah-hah ♪

♪ [ higher trill ] ♪

[ Higher: ]

♪ la Dee bibbl-Dee-hah-hah-hah ♪

♪ [ very high trill ] ♪

[ Voice breaking: ]

♪ la Dee bibble-Dee -- ♪

Are you kiddin'?!

♪ Here I am

wastin' my time ♪

♪ on horses and cows

and beets and onions ♪

♪ dogs and turnips,

achin' bunions ♪

♪ this has gotta stop

or I'll blow my top ♪

♪ ha ha ha ha ha!!! ♪

♪ If somethin'

don't happen soon ♪

Here, Gloria,

won't you have one?

No, thank you.

I prefer

my sweet potatoes candied.

Naturally -- they do

go nicely with ham.

Thorny has such

a sense of humor.

Say, mort, how about

askin' miss Baxter to sing?

That's a right smart idea.

Do you reckon

she would?

How could she refuse,

seein' how it's you

that's askin'?

Well then,

I'll ask her.

Hee hee hee!

Beg your pardon,

miss Baxter,

but we was wonderin'

if you'd oblige US

with a song.

How nice of you

to ask.

Go ahead,

Gloria.

Really, darling,

I simply can't sing

without proper accompaniment.

It would sound terrible.

How true -- with or

withoutaccompaniment.

How about you,

miss Jane?

Yes, why don't

yousing, my dear?

One of your

mountain songs --

they go so well

with barn dances

and sweet potato socials.

All right, I will.

But it isn't exactly

a mountain song...

It's something I learned

only a little while ago.

♪ Never thought

I'd get this way ♪

♪ I was wrong,

I'll admit ♪

♪ darling, I can only say ♪

♪ this is really it ♪

♪ I'm so in love with you ♪

♪ you'll never know ♪

♪ oh, just the thought of you ♪

♪ sets me aglow ♪

♪ you're much too wonderful ♪

♪ too wonderful to be ♪

♪ those eyes of yours ♪

♪ those smiles of yours ♪

♪ oh, what they do to me ♪

♪ this love I have for you ♪

♪ it just can't miss ♪

♪ I'm more in love with you ♪

♪ each time we kiss ♪

♪ to me, you're everything ♪

♪ my dream of dreams come true ♪

♪ that's why ♪

♪ I'm so in love with you ♪

You ain't never gonna get

a decent day's work

outta them there mules.

They're not work mules, pappy,

they're too intelligent.

What're you gonna

make out of 'em --

school marms?

Shirley's ready,

miss Jane.

Do you know what time

they expect to use her?

No, but I'll

go over to Mike's --

Mr. Burton's office

and find out.

Mr. Burton said he would

let you know, miss Jane.

That-that's right,

he did.

But I'm sure

that he'd like to know

that Shirley's ready now.

Whatever it is

you're thinkin',

you're right.

So I thought

you'd like to know

that Shirley's ready

any time you want her.

Fine.

How's her behavior?

She's perfectly normal,

but I still haven't arrived at

any satisfactory conclusions.

I have.

About Shirley?

No, about you.

Would you like to

hear my conclusion?

As soon as I try

one little experiment.

Mm-hmm...

After profound study

and experimentation,

I have reached

the conclusion that --

no, i'vereach

the conclusion that --

how romantic.

Or were you just

being polite, Mike?

I'll see you later, dear.

Why not let her stay?

The little hick

might learn something.

I beg your pardon.

Don't pay any attention

to her, Jane.

Isn't he nice?

Well, he's only being nice

because of the mule,

and he tricked you

out of her.

What's she

talking about, Mike?

I offered Shirley

myself.

I see the trusting

farmer's daughter

hasn't quite

disappeared.

Mike, I volunteered Shirley,

didn't I?

Well, Jane, we couldn't

do the picture with Shirley

and I was afraid

you wouldn't permit --

so all this

is only because of Shirley?

Oh, no,

that's not true!

Go ahead Mike.

Answer the little rube.

Little rube?!

Little mountain rube,

to be exact.

Isn't that what

you called her, darling?

Gloria --

look at this!

Almost a full column!

"Magnet productions

announced today

"that Mike Burton's unit,

"now on location

in the ozarks

"for a hillbilly extravaganza

"under the direction

of thorndyke p. Dunning,

"have secured

the services of Shirley,

"the scientifically-bred mule

'from the Midlands

college of agriculture.

"Miss Jane Caldwell,

"associate professor

of animal husbandry --

appropriate spread,

don't you think?

That's hardly the word.

I think you're right --

sensationalwould be better.

Jane, I had nothing

to do with this!

You've lied to me

about everything.

I'm taking Shirley

back to the college

this afternoon.

But the picture!

You can't take her now!

Of course not.

We have a contract.

Yes, Jane.

The company's invested

a lot of money in this picture,

they couldn't

release Shirley now.

Very well,

keep your contract

for Shirley.

But remember,

you don't hold one for me.

And Shirley will not work

without me!

Jane!

Just a minute, Jane,

you've got to listen!

I can explain...

Shh!

It's true.

They aremaking

a motion picture.

And they must be

using the mule.

I would say that

the evidence

does seem to indicate

that...They are.

But then,

on the other hand,

well, they also

could notbe.

That is, uh,

they definitely

areusing Shirley.

Miss Caldwell.

Professor Morris!

Professor Lewis,

professor Shaw,

I'm so glad

to see you.

You are, eh?

Then please explain

this sensational notoriety.

I admit that

on the surface it looks --

we are not interested

in your admissions.

Pardon me,

my name is Mike Burton.

Burton! The man

in charge the motion picture?

Yes. I think I can

clear this matter up --

if you don't mind!

I can explain --

to Dean wexley,

if you please.

Your actions are

a disgrace to the college!

Indeed. In its

entire history,

there has never been

such a flagrant example

of unethical

exhibitionism!

Exactly.

Well, there was

that case in 1896 --

if you would be kind enough

to get Shirley ready,

we would like to

take her back to the college.

But we hold

a contract!

Contract?

What contract?

On the mule's services,

Jane signed --

it's invalid.

The mule is college property.

Jane...

You should have told me

the mule didn't belong to you.

Oh, I should have

told you first

and thenlet you

trick me into it?

Miss Caldwell,

of course you realize

the significance of all this?

I know what you

must think of me, but --

we have already

expressed our opinions.

There is

nothing more to say.

Now, gentlemen,

surely there's some way --

Mr. Burton, I fail to see

where any further discussion

could alter the facts.

The mule must be returned

to the college immediately.

And as for you,

professor Caldwell,

I believe you are well aware

that your conduct is unbecoming

to a member

of the faculty.

I would say...

[ Sighs ]

Well, I really

messed it up, didn't I?

Wait, Jane --

[ door slams ]

Ahem! Mr. Burton.

I'll have to ask you

to relinquish

all the film

in which the mule appears.

But we've used Shirley

in almost every sequence,

that would mean

reshooting the entire picture!

Gloria:

Oh, thorny..

Thorny, do you think

I look all right?

Yes, I think so.

What about you, Mike?

Well, I --

oh, I'm sorry, this is

miss Gloria Baxter, our star.

This is professors

Morris, Lewis and Shaw.

How thrilling.

I've always wanted to meet

a real professor,

but threeprofessors!

You have?!

She's always

wanted to meet...

Uh, you have?

Very interesting,

I'm sure.

And now,

if you don't mind,

Mr. Burton,

we must have

the film.

I'm sorry,

that's impossible --

Mr. Burton,

your picture

is no concern of ours.

We have the ethical standing

of our college to consider!

Yes!

Vestigia nullus retrosa.

"No footsteps backward."

Now, we have come

to get the mule, and --

ah...

A scholar.

And Latin, no less!

Where did you study,

my dear?

Oh, I've had

an extensive education.

Did you really?

You must tell US about it.

What do you think?

Think?

Oh, yes, think...

Mike! She can think!

Veritas vinci.

Truth conquers.

You know, Mike,

I've misjudged that girl.

Snap out of it --

I'm talking about the mule!

Oh, Gloria will

wrap them around her finger.

Don't worry, Mike,

we're gotthe mule.

And what did you

major in?

Oh, I majored

in Latin.

And you had

a favorite professor?

Well, none

as nice as you

and you andyou.

And after school

came Broadway

and then Hollywood.

It won't take me

but a minute to change,

and then we can talk.

Remarkable girl!

Now we can

get the film

and Shirley

and leave

for the college

immediately.

On the other hand...

We can leave

any time.

Man:

Get on your lights, boys!

Thorny:

The only difference

between an actor and a mule

is that the actor

has an ego I can appeal to.

Shirley, doesn't your career

mean anything to you?

Don't you want

your name in lights?

Please, Shirley,

stand up!

It's no use, Mr. Dunning,

she just won't do it.

All right,

Mortimer,

you and pappy

stay up there --

I want you to drive if we ever

get this thing started.

Mike, I've tried everything

from flattery to star billing,

but she won't work

without Jane.

That's no use --

Jane won't even

speak to me.

The only time a girl

won't talk to the man she loves

is when she's dead.

You're wrong there --

Jane isn't in love with me.

Oh no, and you're not

in love with her, either.

That's right.

No -- well, I mean --

she loves you,

she loves you not --

do you expect me

to crawl on my knees to her?

I won't do it!

Oh, you won't do it.

Gloria won't act,

Jane won't talk,

Shirley won't work --

all we need now

is a good rain storm!

These are

the pictures

of the mule --

Rembrandt said

he caught

some swell ones.

Thanks, Alice,

I'll take care of it.

You've got it all wrong.

I'd talk to Jane in a minute

if I only thought she'd --

if you had any sense

you'd be in that house now

with your arms

around Jane.

Okay, thorny,

I'll try it once more.

Shirley, keep

your fingers crossed.

But why did he

have to lie about it?

Miss Jane, all men lie

at one time or another.

If you love him,

you accept that,

along with his ear.

But I don't

love him, I --

[ knocking ]

Come in!

Hello, Cindy.Hello.

The still man

sent you these pictures.

Cindy, will you please

pack my other things?

Yes, ma'am.

He says he got

some good shots.

She looks cute

in that one,

doesn't she?

Yes, she --

find another cute one?

[ Angry: ]

The cutest one of all!

When do you intend

sending thisone

to the papers?!

I didn't even know

that had been taken.

And you didn't know

about the publicity

on Shirley, either.

I know you

don't believe me --

I don't!

I don't! Publication

of that picture

would mean immediate dismissal

of the professors.

Jane, I don't

tell the still man

what to photograph!

I understand,

Mr. Burton.

I'll work Shirley --

in return for that negative.

You can have the negative

without that...

No, thanks.

I don't want

any favors.

I'll keep my part

of this -- transaction.

I don't care

if you do or not.

I can finish this picture

in the studio without the mule!

Shirley,

stand up.

Come on, Shirley!

Shirley, pleasestand up!

Cindy, something's

happened again.

Try singing to her.

♪ Never knew

that I could sing ♪

♪ but here I am

a-makin' up a tune ♪

♪ I'm a little bit

befuddled and bewildered ♪

♪ could it be the moon ♪

♪ never sang a song before ♪

♪ but suddenly

I'm cooin' like a dove ♪

♪ puttin' two and two

together ♪

♪ makes me kind of think ♪

♪ maybe it's love ♪

I don't know,

it's strange --

Shirley's always behaved before

when Jane sang to her.

Singing, indeed!

Another one of

her impractical

innovations.

The mule is

just obstinate!

I would say --

[ phonograph blares: ]

♪ never knew that I could sing ♪

Sorry, Mr. Burton,

I was just testing.

What was

that number, Sam?

I just got these platters

from the sound man.

I can't hear it,

lift it up!

[ Louder ]

♪ ...The moon ♪

♪ never sang a song before ♪

♪ but suddenly

I'm cooin' like a dove ♪

♪ puttin' two and two together ♪

♪ makes me kind of think ♪

♪ maybe it's love ♪

Gentlemen, do you realize

what has just occurred?

Shirley responded

to the music!

Precisely!

But on the other hand --

and when Jane sang,

her voice was sad...

But the recording

on that machine was cheerful.

And the mule

responded to it!

Indubitably!

Miss Caldwell,

would you mind

getting on

the haywagon,

just in case Shirley

get's temperamental?

If you wish,

Mr. Dunning.

Sam, miss Caldwell

is going along --

she'll help

with Shirley.

Here we go.

Not bad.

Cindy, you can't get up there,

you'll mix up everything!

Everything's already

all mixed up

and I am to do

a little straightening out!

Stop it, Mortimer!

Ohhh!!

Gloria, would you mind

moving over a bit?

I hope you

feel comfortable.

Say, thorny,

don't you think

you'd better move Jane?

You know how Gloria

feels about her.

Gloria's too intelligent

to make a fuss during a scene,

but when we start sh**ting

I'll move Jane over there.

Mortimer, start the mules

when I say go.

Whoa!

Whoa!

I can't stop 'em!

[ All clamoring ]

Mortimer, any chance of getting

those mules to turn around?

I can't,

Mr. Burton,

when Shirley makes up

her mind she's goin',

she's a-goin'.

No use lettin'

a perfectly good

hayride go to waste.

Cindy's right.

Go ahead, Mortimer,

let's make this a real one,

music and all.

♪ Hey, hiram ♪

♪ hey, hiram ♪

Hey, cy ♪

♪ hey, cy ♪

Come on, Molly ♪

♪ come on, Molly ♪

♪ come on bye ♪

♪ come on, bye ♪

Hey, ezry ♪

♪ hey, ezry ♪

♪ hey, Joe ♪

♪ hey, Joe ♪

♪ wagon's rollin' ♪

♪ here we go! ♪

♪ There's nothin' like

an old Missouri hayride ♪

♪ climb aboard

and have yourself a g*y ride ♪

♪ there's nothin' like

an old Missouri hayride ♪

♪ that is

positively guaranteed ♪

♪ it's no ordinary

everyday ride ♪

♪ get yourself a partner

and you'll see ♪

♪ startin' out

is clatter, clatter,

chatterbug ♪

♪ what a merry world ♪

♪ comin' home's

a different matter ♪

♪ every fella's

got himself a girl! ♪

♪ There's nothin' like

an old Missouri hayride ♪

♪ when the moon

is shining up above ♪

♪ come along

and have yourself a g*y ride ♪

♪ cuddle up

beside the one you love ♪

♪ starting out

is clatter, clatter,

chatterbug ♪

♪ what a merry world ♪

♪ coming home's

a different matter ♪

♪ every fella's

got himself a girl ♪

♪ there's nothing like

an old Missouri hayride ♪

♪ when the moon

is shining up above ♪

♪ come along

and have yourself a g*y ride ♪

♪ cuddle up

beside the one you love ♪

♪ oh, the man in the moon ♪

♪ is right on the beam ♪

♪ he is smart, smart, smart ♪

♪ oh, he knows

who you love ♪

♪ he knows

what you dream ♪

♪ in your heart, heart, heart ♪

♪ he looks down

from the sky ♪

♪ with a gleam in his eye ♪

♪ he's a pretty wise

old moon ♪

♪ ah, ah, ooh ♪

♪ though you might

fool me ♪

♪ and I might

fool you ♪

♪ you can't fool

the man in the moon ♪

♪ oh, the man in the moon

is on the beam ♪

♪ he's smart, smart, smart ♪

♪ oh, he knows

who you love ♪

♪ and he knows

what you dream ♪

♪ in your heart, heart, heart ♪

♪ he looks down

from the sky ♪

♪ with a gleam

in his eye ♪

♪ a pretty hip balloon ♪

♪ though you might

fool him ♪

♪ and he might

fool you ♪

♪ you can't fool

the man in the moon ♪

♪ This love I have for you ♪

♪ it just can't miss ♪

♪ I'm more in love

with you ♪

♪ each time we kiss ♪

♪ to me you're everything ♪

♪ my dream of dreams

come true ♪

♪ darling, I'm so in love ♪

♪ with you ♪

♪ there's nothing like

an old Missouri hayride ♪

♪ cuddle up

beside the one you love ♪

♪ climb aboard

and have yourself a g*y ride ♪

♪ when the moon

is shining up above ♪

♪ there's nothing like

an old Missouri hayride ♪

♪ when the moon

is shining up above... ♪