01x01 - Revenge of the Sithee

[bunniefuu]

♪ Spaceballs

♪ Hide your air and hide your water

♪ Hide your son and hide your daughter

♪ Here they come, it's time to run away

♪ Spaceballs

♪ They will pillage, they will ravage

♪ Every village they will savage

♪ They are here and they are here to stay

♪ They will show no pity

♪ There's no helping hand

♪ They'll destroy your city

♪ They'll destroy your land

♪ Run for shelter helter-skelter

♪ They are in command

♪ Spaceballs

♪ They are monstrous, they are ghoulish

♪ All resistance would be foolish

♪ Spaceballs are coming, so beware ♪

They're here.

[COINS CLANGING]

Loosest slots in town, my a*s!

Gimme back my space nickel!

Oh! That's it! No more Mr. Nice Helmet!

Helmet. Idiot. What are you doing?

This lousy slot machine took all my money.

I've been shoving space nickels into it for hours,

and it hasn't paid off once!

That might be because this is a trash can.

Uh, trash can?

[BEEPING]

Yeah. The droid look.

It's part of my casino's theme.

What theme?

Droids! Droid trash cans. Droid buffets. Droid strippers.

Strippers?

Yeah! This is the latest in stripper technology.

State of the art.

Oh, that sounds...

Shut up. With these buttons,

you can customize your own personal stripper.

What do you like? Big hair? Big t*ts?

-Big tush? -Yes.

[BEEPING]

Well, enjoy, and don't forget to use the complimentary wipes.

Hi, there, short, dark and helmeted.

Hello... [CLEARS THROAT]

[DEEP VOICE] Hello.

Why don't you take your hat off

so I can see your big, manly eyes?

I... I... I never take my helmet off in public.

Too risky.

Aw, you're not afraid of little ol' me?

Well, maybe just this once.

[GIGGLING]

[MUFFLED GIGGLING]

Now I know why they call them "knockers."

WOMAN: Panakin. Panakin Crybaby.

Oh, there you are, Panny.

What is that?

I told you it could be done, Mommy.

It's a k-cup. And soon they'll be double Ks... Even triple Ks!

Oy gevalt!

[LAUGHS]

Nailed it!

Skroob! I don't care if your dad does own us.

You throw one more freakin' hat on my head, and I'll...

[LAUGHING]

You'll what? Run out crying?

Yes!

[SOBBING]

You know, just 'cause

someday you'll be running this crummy department store

doesn't give you the right...

Run this dump? No way!

I'm gonna be president of this whole planet!

You mean "dictator."

We Skroobs are famous for our compassion and kindness.

Oh, by the way, my dad sold your son

to some guy named "Outlet Mall."

[SOBBING]

[CLEARS THROAT]

May I help you?

I'm here to buy a birthday bra for my wife.

Normally, I don't pay retail, but this is an emergency.

What size is she?

Well, she's been wearing a triple J.

But there's still a lot of spillover, if you know what I mean.

Sounds like she needs a k-cup.

You're in luck, sir.

Panny!

Yes, Mother?

Show this nice man the bra you made this morning.

Aye, aye, aye.

This is what I've been looking for.

'Cause I'm tellin' ya,

my Yenta needs more underwire support than the Brooklyn Bridge.

Nice, nice. What is this?

Titanium.

A woman with -year-old t*ts needs all the titanium she can get.

I'll take it.

[PANTS] It's like high school all over again. Whoop-dee-doo.

Here. Allow me, sir.

How do you...

The Schwartz...

It seems to be very strong with you.

Could he be... The one?

Missus, I'd like to buy your son.

He is not for sale.

Who the hell are you?

I'm the one known as "Outlet Mall."

And I have just bought this sl*ve.

He is going to help me redesign the galaxy.

Right now it is so tacky.

What are you, some kind of Sithee?

Of course.

I don't wanna go with him.

I don't like Sithees.

I'd rather go with the little green guy.

The name's Yogurt.

Like I care.

You have no choice.

Here. Take my purchases out to my NasPod racer.

NasPod racer?

Listen... I'll race ya.

If I win, I get to go with Yogurt.

If I lose, I'll come with you.

Why should I take that bet?

Well, if you win, I'll work for free.

You'll be my sl*ve. You'll already work for free.

Then... I'll work for double-free.

Hmm, you're on.

I built this baby myself out of spare parts.

I can see that.

Man! Can you imagine the gazongas that'd fit in this thing?

Every night. Ugh.

Mommy, I'm not gonna wear a helmet.

You know I can't stand to have anything on my head.

But you'll catch your death of cold...

Brains splattered all over the track.

I'm not gonna crash.

Well, a mother worries.

Now, don't drive too fast.

Mommy, it's a race.

And promise me you'll keep your eyes on the road at all times.

Uh, I promise.

Oh, and I want you to finish filling out my tax forms during the race.

Be sure to check your math.

Meesa gonna sing meesa national gonga anthem.

[SINGING ANTHEM]

ANNOUNCER: Welcome to this match race

between the favorite, Outlet Mall...

And the challenger, a snot-nosed little nobody

named Panakin Crybaby.

[ALL LAUGHING]

Meesa gonna start theesa NasPod race.

Go, Mall, go!

Ow!

[TIRES SCREECHING]

What's happening? Is he winning?

How should I know? I'm watching Desperate Houseslaves.

I'm losing support!

I gotta rehook those straps. But how?

YOGURT: Use the Schwartz, Panny, the Schwartz!

Uh, now I'm hearing that crazy old b*stard in my head.

Hey, schmendrick. I'm right here.

Make with the Schwartz already!

Make with the Schwartz!

ANNOUNCER: Looks like Crybaby's back in the race!

This is so thrilling! It's a thrill a second!

Even though there's no way I can see the races from here.

Go faster! Go faster!

I can't! The computer says we're pounds over the weight limit!

Hey, I'm years old, my prostate alone weighs pounds.

[LAUGHING]

I need a power boost.

Mommy's tax forms.

ANNOUNCER: They're almost at the finish line!

Crybaby wins by a nipple!

Ya did it, kid!

You're comin' with me to learn how to use the Schwartz.

I'm free! I'm free!

But first I gotta say good-bye to mommy.

Bye, mommy. I don't know if I'll ever see you again.

[SOBBING]

Good-bye.

Good-bye, Lynette, Bree, Gabrielle.

Shut up, kid!

Here it is, Panny.

Yogurt's Academy of Schwartz Mastery and Dirty Dancing.

Dirty dancing?

People say the craze is over...

But it's not.

Ugh.

[GLASS SHATTERING]

Whoa!

[SCREAMING]

[PANTING] Excuse me.

Can anyone help me?

What's the matter?

Oh, well...

My name's Harley, and I'm a princess,

and people are always trying to kidnap me.

So I had one of my handmaidens dress up like me,

but it's been so long now

that everyone thinks she's the princess and I'm the handmaiden,

but if I become the princess again, I'm afraid they'll k*ll me.

Well... All we have here are lessons in Dirty Dancing.

Oh, well, I'll take six weeks.

Fine. Lesson one...

This doesn't seem that dirty.

It's not very dancey either,

but you don't hear me complaining.

Besides, we've gotta have some romance

to break up this boring intrigue.

Congratulations on taking over your father's department store.

Thank you, thank you. But this is bupkis.

Someday soon, I plan to be president of Planet Moron!

And you are going to help me.

Why would I do that?

Because I, too, am a Sithee!

-Really? -Yes!

But for now, I'm a closet Sithee.

I knew it! My Sithee radar is never wrong.

What do you want me to do?

The only thing standing between me and the presidency

and you and your redesign of the galaxy...

Is that!

An ice cream shop?

No, not the ice cream shop! Next to it!

Salvation Clone Army store?

No, ya boob! The other direction!

Yogurt's Academy of Schwartz Mastery and Dirty Dancing?

I thought Yogurt was just a smelly old man

who's been wearing the same bathrobe for centuries.

Well, he is, he is. But his students could be dangerous.

You must turn them to the Schmart side of the Schwartz.

How? By offering them free facial exfoliates,

hair products, or erectile enhancements?

I have a plan.

Mashed potatoes?

Oh, please.

Oh!

Whoopsy. Here.

A little water will wash that right off.

Ow.

Ah, more wine?

Oh, I think I've had en...

[GURGLING]

This is not the room you want to be in.

This is not the room I want to be in.

You want to be in the bedroom.

I want to be in the bedroom.

This is going so well!

Thank you all for coming.

Um, when tonight's over,

I think you'll have a clear idea

of what it really means to be a Sithee.

When do we get our gift certificates to your crappy store?

After the movie. Roll it!

SKROOB: Do you like singing 'round a bonfire?

[SCREAMING]

Have you ever wanted to live in the nicest house in town?

[SCREAMING]

[DOG BARKING]

SKROOB: Have you ever wished you could round up all your enemies

and keep them in some sort of camp?

Then you should consider becoming a...

Sithee!

Wait, Panny.

-You really don't intend to... -I do.

Panny!

-You really don't intend to... -I do.

Panny!

You really don't intend to...

I do.

SKROOB: So, if you want to travel without a passport...

Rip planets in half with your bare hands...

And conquer the galaxy with tasteful design...

Then come over to...

The Schmart side.

Join the Sithee!

[ALL CHEERING]

[SNORING]

[GASPS]

Oh. You're up.

Shall I fix your breakfast?

Why? Is it broken?

Harley, I had a nightmare about my mommy.

She's in pain. I must go to her.

Where does she live?

For the last five years, Beggar's Canyon.

Five years?

And you're only now going to her?

Well, up to now I haven't lost any sleep over it.

Mom?

Leave me alone!

Mommy, don't you know me?

Panny? How should I know you?

You don't write, you don't call.

Are you okay, Mommy?

Oh, sure! I'm the queen of Beggar's Canyon.

Can I offer you some broasted swamp rat?

This isn't swamp rat. It's mud shaped to look like a swamp rat.

Yeah, and I got news for you... It ain't broasted neither.

The GRS took my broaster, the swamp rat b*stards.

The Galactic Revenue Service? You owed them?

Not owed, owe!

They're charging me back taxes and huge penalties

on this one year I can't account for.

Right around the time you won that race.

[GASPS] Actually, they're chasing me right now!

Get her!

Careful, Mommy!

Whoa!

Oh, Panny, I should've worn a helmet.

[SOBBING]

Mommy, Mommy, Mommy, Mommy!

Sorry, man.

You know, actually, she had a refund coming.

I'll give you a refund!

[GRUNTING]

Someday I'll be so powerful I'll be able to eliminate taxes!

No, you won't.

And, so, as you can see, using the Schmart side,

I've simultaneously heated the soup and removed the lid.

Ah! Oh, that's hot! Hot!

Yes?

Quick question.

With the Schmart side,

why are we sometimes able to fly, but other times we fall?

Or hang by our finger tips?

It seems really inconsistent, so I was wondering if you could clarify the...

[CHOKING]

Any other questions?

ALL: No. No more.

[INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC PLAYING]

Panny, is something wrong?

Why do you ask?

Well, you're covered in blood,

and you keep saying you wish you had power over taxes,

and you look like you've been crying...

The only thing that's wrong with me

is that I'm sick of being alone.

Will you marry me?

But you're just a student.

So?

Well, I'm a princess.

I could never marry you before you became a Schwartz Master.

But, I... Oh, Panny, you're tearing me up inside!

[WEEPING]

Let the shiksa go! She's not worth it.

Not worth what?

Not worth interrupting your Schwartz training!

I'm sick of training, Yogurt.

When are you gonna make me a master?

Listen... You are the chosen one.

That means no shortcuts.

Besides, I gotta milk you for all the tuition I can get,

which is overdue, by the way. You owe me $..

What if I got the other students back?

Then could I be a master?

Possibly, but...

Where you goin'?

We haven't even settled your bill yet!

[SIGHS] It's not easy being chosen.

Or green, for that matter.

Outlet Mall!

I figured I'd find you here in the bottomless pit room.

Why?

'Cause big confrontations always happen next to bottomless pits.

They do, don't they?

Give Yogurt back his students!

Never!

[BOTH GRUNTING]

[SCREAMING]

You should have worn a helmet!

You really are a Sithee.

Wow, that's, very impressive, Crybaby.

Hey, I got an idea.

How would you like to come over

to the Schmart side of the Schwartz?

Give me one good reason why I should.

I'll give you four good reasons.

I'll make you a Sithee master

so you can marry Harley Van Patton.

Ooh!

Once you're a master, you can pick a cool new name.

That'd be nice.

After you help me seize power as president,

I will abolish Texas.

Texas?

Taxes! Taxes!

Wow... It's like you read my mind.

Or my lines in the script.

And finally, you get this Sithee membership card,

good for discounts at many fine establishments,

Sunday through Thursday, before :.

Harley, I'm a master now! We can get married!

I could never marry you!

Why? Because I've gone over to the Schmart side

and joined the Sithee?

No, because of that bump on your head.

It's grotesque.

[SIGHS]

This'll hide that bump nicely.

From now on you shall be known as...

Dark Helmet.

[DEEP VOICE] Thank you, Master.

I will never take this helmet off.

Never.

[GROANING]

Oh, what happened? Where am I?

Oh, good, good, you're awake.

Come on back to my office.

We got a lot of work to do on all the new taxes.

Texas?

What Texas?

Taxes, taxes!

Come on.

Right.