01x11 - Deep Ship

[bunniefuu]

[opening theme music playing]

♪ Spaceballs

♪ Hide your air and hide your water

♪ Hide your son and hide your daughter

♪ Here they come, it's time to run away

♪ Spaceballs

♪ They will pillage, they will ravage

♪ Every village they will savage

♪ They are here and they are here to stay

♪ They will show no pity

♪ There's no helping hand

♪ They'll destroy your city

♪ They'll destroy your land

♪ Run for shelter helter-skelter

♪ They are in command

♪ Spaceballs

♪ They are monstrous, they are ghoulish

♪ All resistance would be foolish

♪ Spaceballs are coming, so beware ♪

They're here.

[pleasant music playing]

[Vespa] Wow, look at that vessel.

What is it about long, hard, tubular things that I find so fascinating?

Talk about your Freudian ship.

Ah! Princess Vespa. I'm Captain... Skrooby-Doobie-Doob.

You look vaguely familiar, Captain.

Are you any relation to the Philadelphia Doobie-Doos?

Mmm... I don't think so. Could be, but...

Oh, and this is my first mate, Dark...

I mean, Dipwad.

Dipwad?

Any relation to the Philadelphia Dipwads?

No, no, the Dipwads are too dumb to breed.

Oh. Well, I suppose that's a good thing.

[smacks lips] Listen, Captain,

the invitation you sent the palace

said your security is tighter than a duck's butt.

Well, I hope so, because two morons

are always trying to kidnap me.

Really? That sounds scary.

[laugh maliciously]

Well, anyway, Princess, we're honored you've joined us

for our virgin voyage around the tip of Areola.

Hope you brought a jacket, folks. It gets a bit nippy there.

[bird squawks]

[piano playing]

[sighs]

All right, I'm all in.

I'm all out.

I bet our two tickets on the cruise ship to Areola.

Okay, show me what you got.

Not you, Barf.

Go fish! Barf, we're going to Areola.

[chuckles]

Kielbasa!

[exclaims]

Ow!

Oh, it hurts to be beautiful.

Dot, have you found my pink plaid stilettos yet?

You packed , pairs of shoes, but unfortunately not those.

[sighs]

Life is so unfair.

[screaming]

[mooing]

So, that's why they call this steerage.

Nice udders.

Hold it right there.

Maybe it's the light, or maybe it's because I won this easel,

or maybe it's that you're butt naked.

But I'm inspired to draw.

Lose the cup.

My evil plan to kidnap the virgin princess is succeeding brilliantly.

I believe it was my evil plan.

Well, I made a few contributions to heighten its evilness.

Dark Helmet, have you read your job description lately?

"A. Kiss President Skroob's a*s.

B. Kiss President Skroob's a*s.

C..."

I'm starting to see a pattern, sir.

Hmm...

I can't go on like this!

-Don't do it, Princess. -Ow! Ugh!

Lone Starr, why are you here?

Well, I play a mean game of Go Fish.

Lucky for you, I was here to stop you

from throwing yourself overboard.

[scoffs] Don't be ridiculous, I was throwing my shoes overboard.

Princess Vespa, my little cherry. Thank God you're intact.

Shall I have this perv thrown in the brig?

No, he was just trying to save me.

This little lady was on the verge of committing shoe-icide.

Oh, shoe-icide? That's serious.

What? Why? These are very... Ooh. Is that satin?

[sniffing]

Are you into women's shoes or something?

No, not really, I mean...

Why don't you just keep them?

No, no, no. I... What size are they?

Mmm...

Wait, you two look familiar.

-We do? -We do?

Oh. No, no, guess I'm mistaken.

Shouldn't you invite him

to dine with us at the Captain's table?

After all, he did save my soles.

Yeah, these things are nice.

Uh... Then it's settled. See you tonight.

The food's riddled with salmonella.

Yeah, but is it all-you-can-eat?

Yes.

-Sounds great. I'll see you then. -[heels clicking]

[Dark Helmet laughing] Yeah!

I'm the king of the world!

You look more like the queen.

[band playing]

Yogurt, what's that you're taking now? Is that shellfish?

It's all right. It's kosher, it's kosher, Yenta. It's imitation crab.

It's really tilapia.

Kosher-schmosher!

-Still gives you more gas than Dubai. -[groans]

Uh-oh. Here's the meddler now.

And the mawg, who I did not invite.

Name's Barf, thanks for having me.

Yeah, let me introduce everybody. Um...

-These are my bosom buddies. -[giggling]

Oh, and this is the unsinkable old fat lady and her nebbishy husband.

Mmm! [clicks tongue]

I recommend the cheesecake.

Hello, everybody.

Talk, talk, talk.

Quit yapping and pass the butter.

Yes, dear.

Are you going to eat that?

Well, I was going to.

I guess I'll have to get some more.

[belching]

[all] Ew!

Gross!

I may have lost my appetite.

Call the newspaper, it's a miracle.

Are you calling me a fat pig?

I never said "fat."

Excuse me, sir. Could you put all these leftovers in a mawgie bag?

You know, Captain, you really do look familiar.

[chuckling] Oh, yeah?

Do I remind you of your arch-nemesis, President Skroob?

Huh. No, not really.

Do you recognize this?

[both laugh wickedly]

No, doesn't ring a bell.

Well, your bell don't work, 'cause it's me, President Skroob.

I'm afraid I'm gonna have to see some ID.

ID? Oh, sh*t.

Oh.

Why, it is you.

Yes, and it's me, too, Dark Helmet.

Well, then, so who's Dipwad?

Ha! There is no Dipwad. Don't you get it, Princess?

This was all just a ruse-cruise.

A way to get you into our clutches.

This is... This is preposterous, you know.

You can't just kidnap me in front of my subjects.

These are my loyal druidiots.

[scoffs] They're not druidiots.

It's all green screen. They're digitized. Some of them aren't even here.

-I'm not here. -Yeah, good point.

That's right.

Yeah, I'm just digitized.

Silence!

You have no lines.

Who are these people? We'll get stuck with scale here.

Skroob. I knew it.

Kidnapping the Princess again. But why?

Well, maybe because bad people do bad things.

And it's step one of my evil plan.

-What's step two? -It's all written down.

-Helmet, show them my evil plan. -Huh?

You do have the evil plan.

[muttering] Fiddlesticks.

You know, maybe I accidentally left it in my other pants.

[grunts]

You're not going to Areola for the virgin sacrifice, are you?

That's it. That's it. Exactly. That's it. The virgin sacrifice.

Have you been reading my e-mail?

You know that won't work unless you sacrifice a real virgin.

Are you implying Her Royal Highness isn't as pure as the driven snow?

She's as pure as snow that's been

driven through a few hundred times.

What? My snow's so fresh you could eat it.

Well, we'll have to do a virgin check.

I'm senior vice president of hymen inspection.

Not anymore.

You know I'll never let you get away with this.

But I'm just curious, what do you get

for a virgin sacrifice these days?

How about a million starbucks and a set

of Ginschau knives? I'm kind of excited.

And if we sacrifice one virgin now,

they throw in a coupon for six certified pre-owned virgins.

[rumbling]

[groans]

Imitation crab?

President Skroob.

Yes, Major Bleephole.

I have news from, uh... The place the ship gets the news from.

We have been sucked into the Galaxy of Bad Gas.

-[rumbling] -[all shrieking]

Lucky for you, this isn't Smell-O-Vision. Woof!

Major Bleephole, get us out of the Galaxy of Bad Gas immediately.

Sorry, sir. We have no exit strategy.

No exit strategy? No exit strategy?

What idiot would have no exit strategy?

I believe that would be you, sir.

Damn it, why do I leave myself in charge? I know I'm stupid.

Don't beat yourself up, sir.

You're right. I'll beat you up instead.

-You're stupid. Stupid, stupid, stupid. -[groans]

[people screaming]

Help! Stop this ship. I want to get off.

Don't worry, sir. We should be fine as long

as the ship doesn't flip upside down.

-[dramatic music playing] -[screams continue]

The minute he said that,

the minute he said that, I knew it would happen.

It's Murray's Law.

You mean Murphy's Law, sir?

No, Murray, Murray.

He's Murphy's second cousin, once removed.

His law says the minute you say you're fine,

unless a bad thing happens, a bad thing happens.

Oh. You mean like if I say we'll be fine

as long as we don't lose our grip on this table?

I wish you wouldn't have said that.

[screaming]

[grunting]

Do I look like a trampoline?

More like a cheese blintze.

[groans] Geez.

Vespa! There!

What? No!

Oh, Vespa, I never told you how much I love...

This is spaghetti sauce.

Oh... Lone Starr.

What were you saying? How much you love...

How much I love your father.

What a great guy.

Oh! Your mawg just tongued me.

Sorry. Disasters make me hungry.

[playing lively tune]

[screaming]

[crowd gasping]

I've got to save the day.

If only Yogurt were here to tell me how.

[grunts]

It's you. I can't believe it.

Believe it. Believe it.

Even the wisest person in the universe, like me, needs a little R&R.

Plus, they gave me a deal like you wouldn't believe.

Top deck, outside cabin.

Yogurt, how do we get out of here?

Look, the whole thing's fakachte.

We have to climb up to the bottom to get to the top.

Climb up to the bottom to...

The ship is upside down, but the Schwartz is always right-side up.

See, it's like a fart in a bathtub. A little bubble. Up, yeah.

-[thud] -[shrieks]

All right, listen up, everyone.

We have to climb up to the bottom to get to the top.

[dramatic music playing]

[people screaming]

[grunting]

[glass breaking]

New plan. We have to climb from the top to get to the bottom.

-[dramatic music] -[screaming and grunting]

Okay, back to the old plan. We climb up to the bottom.

Hey, pencil neck, we're in deep space.

There is no top or bottom because there is no gravity.

Tell that to the liquefied gas seeping in around your ankles.

I know I'm just a lowly servant

who secretly hates rich people's guts,

but I can lead you to the next level.

Okay. If we can get to the engine room

at the bottom of the ship, we'll have a shot.

Lead the way, lowly servant who secretly hates rich people's guts.

[Barf] To the engine room!

Hey, all you extras! Just stay right there. Everything's fine.

I'm gonna send a rescue party

with a big box of Krisp-o Kremes.

-[people gasp] -Extras, they'll believe anything.

[intense music playing]

Now, how do we get through that vapor lock?

Whoever opens it will get sucked into oblivion

before the atmosphere stabilizes.

Sounds like it's time for a noble self-sacrifice.

How about you, lowly servant?

There'll be a tip in it for you.

Oh, I just live for tips.

-[eerie music playing] -Hmm.

[screams]

Here's your tip. Never go first. [chuckles]

Wow, that was courageous.

I wish we had time to place a plaque here to honor that lowly servant,

but we better keep moving.

-Hey, boss. Is this an air shaft? -Yes!

Wow, it's pretty tight, but I think we can make it.

It's rising. The gas is rising!

[screaming]

Women and children first! Right after me.

[grunting]

Princess, you go next.

I can see France.

Here, grab my foot.

Ooh!

That's not my foot. Hmm. You can keep grabbing.

Come on, dear.

-[straining] -Oh!

I'm stuck. My a*s is stuck.

Look, the liquefied gas has stopped coming up.

All the junk in her trunk has created a perfect seal.

You know, I'm thinking this may be

a good time for another noble self-sacrifice.

[grunts] You're not gonna leave me behind?

Oh... We should leave the sweet elderly couple alone for a tender farewell.

Darling, for almost years,

you made my life a living hell.

But I'll miss your brisket.

I haven't had a good brisket in years.

Maybe we should save her. At least get the recipe.

Don't worry, I got it at home.

Okay, so let's save our own asses.

-[laughing] -Here we go.

Sounds good to me.

Your a*s is our hero.

[groans]

[dramatic music playing]

Okay, genius, how are we gonna make it across that?

-I got it, boss. -Huh?

I'll dive in with a rope,

swim under the gas, and make a path you guys can follow.

No, Barf, it's impossible.

No, back in obedience school, I was the mawg paddling champ.

How long can a mawg hold its breath?

As long as the suspense builds.

[dramatic music continues]

Oh!

[cheering]

Okay, everyone, just jump in and follow the rope.

I got you. I got you. I got you.

[screaming]

I don't got you.

[sighs] We lost another one.

Don't worry about it.

Wait, I never got that recipe.

Idiot! Why did you drop him?

Dot, where have you been? How did you get up here?

I took the back stairs.

You mean I swam through a flaming lake of fire for nothing?

It's not like you couldn't use the exercise.

Besides, swimming builds up the boobs.

-That's why they call it the breaststroke. -Ah!

Huh.

Yeah, I never put that together.

Don't tell me we're gonna have to jump across.

We're gonna have to jump across.

I told you not to tell me that.

Women, children and presidents first.

[gasping]

Oh, damn it.

Thanks. Come on, everybody.

Okay, Marlene, you go next. I'll watch.

I'm Darlene, but, okay, Skrooby.

-[grunts] -Huh!

[screams]

-Help me, somebody help me! -Oh! Oh, the humanity.

Oh, the humanity. What a terrible wedgie.

Oh!

I'm glad I could save you.

Oh... You didn't save me.

Skrooby did. He bought me the underwear.

God, I love spandex.

[intense music playing]

Don't ever let go, Rose. Don't ever let go. Don't ever...

Okay, Jack. I got it. Stop saying that, already.

Stop saying that, already.

Hey, you two.

Excuse me, but I think you're on the wrong doomed ship.

-Oh. Oh, thanks. Thanks a lot. -Oh! Thanks a lot.

We've been walking up and down the same corridor.

There's no way out!

We're all gonna die! We're all gonna...

[grunting] Thanks, I needed that.

That, too.

But I didn't need that.

Or that.

Now that's way over the top!

Look, boss, there's our room. Could we go in?

-I think I left some mawgie treats in there. -[scoffs]

What? I'm hungry.

[mooing]

Wow, you are really poor.

Or do you just like cows or something?

Yes, we just like being close to fresh milk.

I'd like some fresh milk.

Uh, Barf, could you milk one for us?

Yeah, boss. It might take a while to get a whole glass.

Hey, that cow only has one udder.

That's because it's a special breed of cow called a Chubbystein.

What's this? Did you draw it?

-Uh... -It's amazing.

As a matter of fact, I did.

Amazingly bad.

[playing lively tune]

[musicians shriek]

I better get overtime for this.

[Barf] Finally, the engine room.

There's the exit.

That's our exit? We're doomed!

Gotta think. Gotta think.

-Yogurt, you're still here. -In spirit.

Actually, I had to leave.

My wife was kvetching, and I make it a policy to avoid certain death.

We're in a real pickle here, Yogurt. What do we do?

Find a corkscrew and follow...

The Schwartz. Got it.

Hey, thanks, Yogurt.

Okay, we need to screw our way out of here.

Works for me.

I found a corkscrew, boss.

Hurry, we don't have much time.

Step aside and let an expert screwer handle this.

I'm in.

What a great job.

Oh, I'd love to hear you say that in another context.

Don't stop.

That, too.

-We're through. -[cheering]

We made it. We're alive.

But we're also in deep space and there's no air to breathe.

[choking]

[dramatic music playing]

[whistles]

[all cheering]

Oh! We've been through hell, but from here on out, it's smooth sailing.

Spaceberg dead ahead!

[Skroob] Oh, sh*t!

[dramatic music playing]