01x03 - Blade Games

[bunniefuu]

[man grunts]

[groans]

[continues grunting]

Yeah!

-[man] Yeah!
-[buzzer buzzes]

I'm Kal "the Chopman" Smith.

Today, I used my 10-inch high
carbon geo--

[announcer]
Blade Games...

America's eighth
fastest growing sport

will continue
after the break.

Dude, I can't believe
how cool Blade Games are.

They're all like...
Shing! Kachuik!

Shing! [grunts]

[Benson] What do you two
think you're doing?

I'm not paying you
to beat up the couch.

In fact, I need you to thin
the overgrown bamboo,

get rid of
the old Mylar balloons,

shape the hedges,

get rid of that tree stump,

and prep
the birthday salami.

Can we finish watching
these Blade Games first?

It's Tank le'Slice!

[both] Aah!

Get to work right now!

[both] Fine.

Dude, look.

It's a bam blade.

Shing!

Mine's a bam blade, too.

[straining] Shii...ng...

Unbelievable.

It's every single day.

Sorry, Pops.

I didn't see you
standing there with your towel.

That's quite all right.

I heard you
yelling earlier

and wanted
to wash off the tension

with an air bath.

Okay. Well, Look, Pops,
I'm sorry for yelling,

but I just can't get Mordecai
and Rigby to do their work.

Perhaps yelling
isn't effective.

I'd happily loan you

my old managerial
motivation tapes

from when I was
park manager.

Thanks, Pops,
but I can handle--

[glass shattering]

[yells angrily]

Anyone seen
a bam blade?

Ugh!
Give me the tapes!

[exclaims in disgust]

This better work.

[upbeat music playing]

Hi, I'm Joan Kranden,

and welcome to Managing
Motivation for Managers

comma
Motivational Techniques.

I'm Joan Kranden.

Our first lesson
is on positive reinforcement.

Positive reinforcement
is when

you praise someone
for their actions.

I'll show you an example.

[snaps fingers]

Wow, Barb,
look at that word count.

A machine will
never replace you.

Great job!

Thanks, Joan Kranden.
I love you.

As you can see,
positive reinforcement

reinforces positivity.

Well, duh.

Hey, Joan Kranden,

can't unwanted hugs

be considered
workplace harassment?

[laughs] Now, don't get
ahead of yourself, Bill.

We'll cover that
in my other series.

It's The '80s
With Joan Kranden.

Oh, geez.

All I'm saying is,
if you get Tank le'Slice

and the Chopman
in the same room,

someone's walking out
with one less limb.

sh**t!
Benson's coming.

[whistling nonchalantly]

[humming]

[Benson]
Well, well, well.

If it isn't my
two favorite employees.

-Where?
-And just look at that hedge.

[stifled grunting]

Gar jo!

[both] What?

Gert jeb.

Wha... What?

[grunts] Great job! I can see
you've been working very hard.

So you're saying
we did such a great job

we could take a break
to go watch Blade Games?

[both]
♪ Blade Games, Blade Games ♪

♪ Chopping everything games ♪

-[singing indistinctly]
-No, that's not what I meant.

-Watch a bunch of Blade Games!
-[Mordecai] Ba-ba-ba-ba-blade!

[Joan]
It's time for lesson two.

Mentorship.

Mentorship is when you help

a less experienced employee
by mentoring them.

Let me show you
what I mean.

Hi, Joan Kranden.

I've been trying to
understand this deal memo.

The problem is
I can't read.

Not to worry, Bill.

I'll show you how.

[snaps fingers, grunts]

Hi, Barb.

I know
you're super busy,

but would you mind teaching
Bill here how to read?

No problem,
Joan Kranden.

And I don't expect
extra compensation either.

Thanks, Barb.
You're the best.

Don't hate... delegate

[groans in disgust]

Muscle Man, I have
a special assignment for you.

Wax it, relax it.
Wax it, relax it.

-[groans]
-Faster.

Stop hitting yourself.

-Stop hitting yourself!
-Ow!

[Rigby] Ow!

One, two, three, four.

[Mordecai groaning]

[gulping]

[siren wailing]

[groaning weakly]

Sorry for forgetting

you're allergic
to eggs, Rigby.

Rigby, can you hear me?

Blink once for no,
twice for yes.

That's great!

Now, did you manage
to finish any of your work

before this happened?

One more for yes,
Rigby.

Please blink.

Rigby, just blink.
Your eyes are getting dry.

Aren't they hurting?

Fine!

I need to go
watch a video.

Welcome back.
I'm Joan Kranden.

It's time for
lesson number three.

Reverse psychology.

-Uh-huh.
-With reverse psychology,

you can motivate your employees

to do the opposite
of what they normally do.

But you probably don't
get what I'm saying.

Yes, I do.

Ha!

Ah!

[both laughing]

-Uh! Take that!
-Take that!

Hey, guys.

Oh. We were just about
to do our work.

Work? Nah.

You guys don't have
to work anymore today.

-We don't?
-All right!

Forget about it.

Just keep waving those brooms
around to your heart's content.

[chuckling deviously]

They should be getting
to work any minute now.

[both laughing goofily]

Any minute now.

Double shing!

Any minute!

Mine's bigger than yours.

[yells angrily, gasps]

[grunting]

[Joan] Uh-oh.

It seems that those
pesky employees

are beating you
at your own game.

It's time for you to...

Gamify!

Hmm.

Gamifying is about
motivating your employees

by convincing them
that their work is a game.

[whispers]
Let's check on Bill.

...Ninety-nine,
one hundred.

I just got a high score
in mopping.

Yeah!

You sure did.

Gamify?

-I love games.
-Dude, let's play video games.

[both] Blade Games.

I got it.

[Mordecai] Blade Gamez
Competition at the park?

All skills welcome?

Oh, yeah!

We're totally
gonna enter.

It's so crazy there's
a Blade Gamez Competition

at the park right after we
got into Blade Games.

What you doing?

Being creepy?

Oh, me? I just made a fake
Blade Gamez Competition

to get Mordecai and Rigby
to do their jobs.

It's called gamifying.

I think it's called lying.

It's not lying.

It's a motivational technique.

Uh-huh.
Good luck with that.

[Rigby panting]

Oh. Are you two here for
the Blade Gamez?

You know it! [laughs]

Mordicut? Rigslice?

Bet you can't guess who's who.

Okay, so listen up.

Here's how
the Blade Gamez work.

You have to get through
these five stations,

slice the overgrown bamboo,

chop the hedges
along the western trail,

cut up the old Mylar balloons,

light up that
old dead tree stump,

and dice
the birthday salami.

The winner will get this.

The official
Blade Gamez trophy.

[both] Whoa!

Now, if you'll
come right this way,

we can get
things started.

Who are they even
competing against?

[grunts]

Ready, set, go!

Big slice!

[shivering]

[grunting]

[straining]

[grunts, groans]

I mean,
they absolutely suck,

but I'm oddly impressed
they're motivated at all.

How did you
do it, Benson?

Just a little technique
I learned

from Pop's old
motivational tapes.

[giggling]

Jolly good show.

There's something
wrong about this.

What's the worst
that could happen?

[thunderclap]

[wind whooshing]

[thunder rumbling]

[grunting]
Hya!

[grunts, yells]

[grunting]

Uh... who are--

[both]
Kal "the Chopman" Smith!

-Sign my blade!
-Mr. Chop, we're big fans.

We're here
for the Blade Gamez.

[laughs nervously]
Oh, I see the confusion.

No, no. This is more
of a work function.

Not Blade Gamez?

-What? It's not Blade Gamez?
-What? Not Blade Gamez?

No, no, it's Blade Gamez.
Keep going.

[softly] It's not
really Blade Gamez.

It's this thing called
gamifying.

[grunting angrily]

You besmirched the name
of Blade Games,

and now we're gonna blade
this park to the studs!

[all grunting]

It is real!

Quick, before they
chop it all down.

[both grunting]

Well, that could
have gone better,

but at least Mordecai and Rigby
are still motivated.

[grunting]

Hya!

Okay, this is fine.

The jobs are getting done.

Oh, hey, Benson, is that
part of the competition?

[yelling angrily]

Wait, stop!

Hey, Benson, is that
part of the competition?

-[Benson whimpering]
-[grunting]

No! Please stop!

Hey, Benson, is your car
part of the competition?

[Benson cries out]

Oh, no, no, no!

[yelling]

[grunting]

[air hissing]

Save some for Rigblade!

[sobbing]

[yelling]

-[continues yelling]
-[sobbing]

[laughs] Huh?

-[tire air hissing]
-[Benson sobbing loudly]

[Benson continues sobbing]

Geez, that's
super awkward.

Okay, time
to cut and run.

Blader, guys.

[Benson continues sobbing]

Whoa, bro, this is
pretty uncomfortable.

Yeah. Sorry, Benson.

We'll go do our jobs.

Yeah, man. Jeez.

I'll see what I can do
about your car.

[Benson continues crying]

[Joan]
And remember,

if gamifying
doesn't work,

pulling on
the heartstrings

is an effective tool
that gets quick results.

[continues sobbing]

Emotional manipulation.

[Benson sobbing]

[sobbing turns to laughter]

[laughing maniacally]

[theme music playing]

[both laughing]