01x07 - Tall Tails

[bunniefuu]

What a beautiful day.

I think I'll go out
for a skip.

Wanna come with me,
grandma?

Yeah, right.

[Coughs]

Eww. How long have you been
smoking, grandma?

Um...i don't know.

Let me think.

[Cries]

Jeepers, grandma.

That seems like
a long time to be smoking.

Shouldn't you stop?

I've heard
it isn't good for you.

Yeah? Well, neither is pissing
off old angry ladies, kid.

No fooling. I'm worried.

I don't want to lose you.

You idiot.
She's gonna outlive everybody.

She's from hell.

She's not from hell!

You're just trying
to quash my fear.

Aww.

You really do care
about me, don't you?

Uh-huh.

Well, if my f*cking smoking
bothers you so much,

There's the door!

And don't let it hit you
in the a*s!

What if I did move out?

You could finally move
into my room

Like you always wanted.

Uh...keep talking.

I'll move out and get my own
place if you give up smoking.

Deal!

[Laughs]

Piece of cake.

Eat the rest of these,
dougie.

This is perfect timing.

It's rush week at school,

And I want to join
a fraternity anyway.

What fraternity is that?

phi beta moron?

Hey, clay,
glad you stopped by.

You know,
I was wondering,

What do you think you know
about yodeling?

I know everything I've ever
wanted to know about yodeling.

Nothing.

Are you sure?

There's a yodeler who's
a cross-over artist.

If you invest,
we'll be at the forefront

Of the pop yodeling boom
in this country.

♪ Yo-de-lay-hee-- ♪
no.

[Gurgles]

Let's go, johnny.

All right, forget that.
You're right. It's stupid.

But hear me out
on this one:

Low-income igloos
for the inner cities.

Think about that!

No. I'm not gonna
think about that.

In fact, I've already
forgotten what you said.

How about a combination
colonic/soft-serve yogurt shop?

No!

Reusable condoms!

No!

Reusable condoms!

No!

Robot assassins.

f*ck no!
I'm never coming here again.

That's ok,
'cause I'm moving out

As soon as
I join a fraternity.

Fraternity, huh?

You know they're gonna
make you drink pee.

[Laughs]

No. They don't
do that anymore.

They're just gonna
spank us with paddles

And make us roll around in dog
doo at 4:00 in the morning.

I got my piss cup!

I got my piss cup!

Whoopee!

[Mocking]
they don't do that
anymore.

Well,
that's what I heard.

Omar,
where's your paddle?

Here it is.

Ow!

[Mumbling]

Unh!

Ooh! Ow!

[Grunts]

Ah! Jesus, mary,
and joseph!

He's like
a bad case of herpes.

[Groans]

[Squeals]

Hey, clay,
now that I have you alone,

I can tell you
my real business idea.

I--i didn't want
those parasites to hear it.

Do you mean your son
and your mother?

Exactly.

It's the opportunity
of a lifetime.

It's a bar for tall people,

And it's called "talls."

Hmm.

You mean a place
where I wouldn't be

The tallest person
in the room?

Hell, you'll be
on the short side.

Short side.

Mr. Zeeman, can you come to the
board to work out this problem?

Stop clowning around,
mr. Giraffe.

[Students laugh]

Look out, class!

He's having
another growth spurt!

Run for your lives!

[Students scream]

I'm the tallest kid ever.

[Sniffs]

Sure, old man.

I'll make your bar
for tall people.

Put 'er there, partner.

Don't touch me,

And don't call me
"partner."

And quit f*ck'
looking' at me.

I thought they were gonna
spank us with those paddles,

Not shove 'em up our heinies.

If I'd known that,

I would have gotten
a smaller, rounder one.

Oh, well.
Live and learn.

I'm sure we'll have better luck
at the next 20 houses.

Stop, drop, and roll,
johnny!

I thought we were supposed to
get hazed, not blazed.

We're supposed to get hazed
after we pledge.

I'm starting to think these
fraternities might not want us.

By gum, you may be right!

Well, we tried.

If you don't want
to face your grandma,

You can live at my house
in my grandma's room.

I don't know.

Oh, don't worry.
She's dead.

She died
from smoking too much.

But we had her stuffed,
and we keep her in bed.

You can sleep with her.

That's generous,
omar--

Or you can stay
with my sister.

She's possessed
by the devil.

She's strapped to the bed,
but there's plenty of room.

Just don't listen to her.

She lies! She tries
to hurt your feelings!

No! We can't give up
so easily.

You're right.
Let's call a priest.

No!

Let's make our own
fraternity.

Great, but will we have to tell
people to drink their own pee?

I think that's
a terrific idea, omar,

But first,
we gotta find a place to live.

Ooh, how about my house?

Did I tell you
my cousin's a cyclops?

Um, what did I do
with my spit cup?

Oh, well.
I'll just make do.

Oh, hi, paula.

[Hacking]

Hi, mrs. Jenkins.

I was wondering if I
could borrow a cigarette?

Since when do tree-huggin'
b*tches smoke?

Well, me an chip
were doing the humpty dump,

And we wanted
to have a cigarette

Like they do in the movies.

You're sh*t out of luck, kid.
I just quit.

That's great,

But isn't chewing tobacco
basically the same thing?

Yeah.
What's your point, sl*t?

My point is:
I know quitting is very hard,

But it's easier
with a friend.

I'll hang out with you
until you get the hang of it.

Oh, why don't we do
a 3-way with chip?

That'll take
my mind off it.

Now, that's a good idea.

We need to take
your mind off smoking,

Uh, but chip and I stopped doing


My life sucks.

Ok, here we are, guys.

All that stands between us
and the opening of talls

Is a lot of hard labor.
I'd love to help you,

But my back injury
bought this place.

Aah!

[Grunts]

[Growls]

Well we did it, guys.

Welcome, my tall brother.
You'll be safe here.

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Where are you going,
shorty?

It's not your birthday.

But--

But nothing.

Why don't you
walk out of here

On those stubby
little legs of yours.

You're a sizeist!

You can't discriminate
against me because I'm short!

The hell I can't.
It's payback time, stumpy.

Aah!

I can't believe darius is

Getting another
sex change operation.

That makes 3.

It's not called
all my problems for nothing.

sh*t.
I wish I had a d*ck.

See?

You're not thinking
about smoking anymore.

This is working.

Like hell it is!

This show is
so depressing

I'm gonna go out and get
cigarettes right now.

And the sooner
I start smoking again,

The sooner I die.

Oh, you're
such a drama queen.

Let's see what else is on.

This pendant is 100% platinar
with criamond highlights.

We're not selling it
for $20.

We're not selling it
for $19.

Not 18.50. Not 17.95.

This platinar pendant
with criamond highlights

Can be yours for 37.50.

Call now, and we'll throw in
these matching gopal earrings.

I can't pass this up.

Besides,
I deserve a treat.

Mrs. Jenkins, there's no such
thing as gopal and platinar.

They're trying to scam you.

It's all sh*t.

Hey, why do you gotta be
puttin' down gopals?

Not everybody can afford
zirconium, cr*cker.

Look!

Greek letters!

This must be
an old fraternity house

That's gone
out of business.

This place is perfect!

Johnny: I can't believe
nobody's claimed it yet.

Hey, we got a couch.

Cool!

Let the fraternitizing begin!

You wanna haze
each other?

Ok!

Well, that was fun,
but I think we need more people.

That's right. "Fraternity" comes
from the greek word "bully."

That describes us
perfectly.

What we need to do is come up
with a name using greek letters.

I got it!

kappa zeta jones!

Perfect!

This is great, angus.

I've always wanted
my own bar.

[Chirps]

Use a glass,
you f*cking pig.

Aah!

[Squeals]

So if you need
anything, doll-face,

I'm the owner.

And I'm his partner.

Boy, those t*tties are
high off the ground.

Who asked you
to talk about my t*tties?!

Ok, let's take a walk,
mr. Jenkins.

I need to discuss an important
business matter with you.

An important matter!

So this is
where you'll be from now on.

What?
In the bathroom?

Yeah. It's really
the command center of the club,

And you're in charge of it.

Really?

Yeah.

Damn it! I wish
I'd given myself this job.

Hey, could we
switch positions?

No way, sucker.

Ok, well,
I'll go back outside

And make sure
everything's ok then.

Yeah, go do that.

You leave
the important things to me.

[Sighs] I can't believe
I made it this far.

Hey, you want to join
a cool fraternity

With lots
of awesome dudes?

Would I have to enroll
in college?

Absolutely not.

Wait, omar.
I think he would.

Why? All that paperwork
is such a hassle.

Plus, school's
not for everyone.

You should take
some time off and travel.

I've always wanted
to see stonehenge.

[Whistles]

Omar, we can only recruit
people who go to ccc.

You get that, right?

Oh, I get it. Ok.

Here comes someone.

Miss, do you go
to this school?

Yes, omar.
I'm in all your classes.

Omar, this isn't--

Johnny, I'll handle this.

I'll never learn anything if
you hold my hand all the time.

You're right.

Do you wanna join
our fraternity?

Um, I'm already in the sorority
right across the street.

That looks fun.

Can I join?

Omar, sororities
are for girls.

Fraternities are
for boys.

I'm sorry my friend
is cuckoo.

So you wanna
go pick berries?

I'm sorry. I'm getting married
this afternoon.

Darn it.
She was the one.

I'll pick berries
with you.

Oh, grow up, johnny.

We're trying to start
a fraternity here,

Not a farmers market.

Hurry up in there.
You're on the clock.

Like I've been saying,

If you could just hand me
a roll of toilet paper,

I could get out of here.

Why? You wanna stuff
your brassiere with it?

No. I'd like to get
this sh*t off my a*s

So I can go out and dance!

Well,
here's 5 sheets.

See how far
that gets you.

[Alarm blares]

What's going on?!

Back away from the stall
with your hands up!

But I haven't flushed yet!

Exactly.

You think you can waste
toilet water on my watch?

Think again.

You're drunk on power!

I'm flushing.

[Muffled yells]

And stay out! Ha!

It's not always easy
doing the right thing,

But wherever there is injustice
in this bathroom,

I will sniff it out.

[Sniffs]

Jesus, that reeks.

[Moans]

[Grunts]

[Slurps]

[Honking noise]

[Growls]

[Cheers]

Put on your
thinking cap, omar.

We've gotta find a way
to get some other members.

Well, let's take a look
at what we've got to work with.

There's us, the house,
this keg...

That's it, omar!

This keg
must be left over

From the last fraternity
to live here.

We'll throw a keg party!

Yeah! Kegger!

That'll definitely
get people to join.

And I get
to invite paula.

She'll be
so impressed.

Next thing you know,

You'll be buying food
for yourself and clothes.

Tv salesman:
and this lovely treadmill
can be yours

For just 5 easy payments
of $227.34.



Huh! What a steal!

Oh, my god. I can't believe
you bought this!

What did this pig
ever do to you?!

It was on sale.

Hey, stanley.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, it's me again.

Let me get
the treadmill this time.

It comes
with a soup pot?

Wonderful!

What the hell?!

Look, I know
you miss smoking,

But you can't fill the void
with all these things.

Who asked
for your help anyway?

I'm coping
the best way I can!

And if buying sh*t
makes me feel better,

Then it--aah!

Don't f*ck with me,
you old cow!

You don't have
to go through this alone!

I put on a tough exterior,
but deep, deep down,

I-i'm just
a scared little girl.

It's ok. I understand.

Twist them harder.

I'm here for you.

[Moans]

[Pager beeps]

Oh, johnny's fraternity
is having a kegger.

I better go shave.

See you, mrs. Jenkins.

Uh, sorry we got
cut off, stanley.

But about
this treadmill--

I was thinking...

Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Hey.

Where do you think
you're going?

I'm trying to use
the facilities.

Well, not in this stall
you're not.

That's the v.i.p. Stall.

unless you're on the list.

What list?

The one in my head.

Now, what's your name?

Gary levigne.

Hmm. Nope. Not on the list.

This is bullshit.

Right this way
mr. Goldblum.

Your stall is ready for you.

What am I
supposed to do now?

Well, maybe I could arrange

For one of the stalls
to open up,

But it's gonna cost you.

Take what you need.

I just gotta go.

You got 5 seconds
to get out of there!

But I'm not finished.

Yeah, you are.
I'm running things here.

Man: hey, you can't
do this to me.

Here you are, sir.

Sorry, buddy.

[Moans]

Another
satisfied customer.

Wow. I can see jeff goldblum
taking a sh*t.

Here you go.

Aah! It burns!

Look, you can crawl around
on the floor if you want,

But I gotta hose you off
before I let you back out there.

You threw me
on the ground!

Douglas: shut up, germy.

Hey, you were right,
stanley.

This treadmill
runs like a dream.

Now, when can I expect
that industrial freezer?

Oh, all right.
Call me back.

God, I haven't felt
this young in years.

Now for dessert.

Kind of a windy day.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, god. God,
this feels so good.

It's like laying
on a giant tongue.

[Angus grunts]

[Chirps]

Eek!

[Sniffs]

Douglas: how about
a combination

Colonic/soft-serve
yogurt shop?

Clay: no.

How about we make
little pads of paper

With a sticky part
on the back,

And then you can
write your ideas on them

And stick them
to something.

No.

Come on.
Let's just eat this thing.

Ok, we'll start
a company

Where we deliver
people's packages

That they want to send
from one town to another,

And we'd be like
a parcel service.

Shut up!
I'm hungry. Gimme that!

How about a bar
for tall people?

Hey, now,
that's a good idea.

[Growls]

Aah!

Aah!

That's right.

I have a p*nis.

Suck it!
Suck my d*ck!

[Sighs]

This party rocks.

Can I get you
a refill, bro?

You know it.

I'll drink you under the table,
jenkins.

Chug! Chug! Chug!

Ahh.

I can't believe
everyone's missing this.

[Gasps]
there's someone now.

Get the paddles!

Hey, johnny.

Hi, paula.

Glad you could
make it.

Where is everyone?

Ow!

Fraternity!

Paula,
are you ok?

Yeah. Can I have a sip
of your beer?

Sure.

Aha! Fraternity!

Gosh, you're
a lot of fun, paula.

I know.

Do you wanna dance?

Sure.

Omar: fraternity!
My brain's on fire!

Aha! Gotcha!

Why the hell
did you do that?

It's a souvenir of your trip
to the talls bathroom.

You can put it in a scrapbook,
give it to your children,

Or destroy it.

Either way it's gonna
cost you $20.

I'm not paying
for that.

Well, I'll just have it
blown up, then,

And put it on a billboard.

This is blackmail!

Ah, you knew this could happen
when you came in here.

Now pay up.

Uh-huh.

Ah, there's one born
every minute.

Excuse me, isn't this your
second visit to the bathroom?

Yeah. So what?

I see what's
going on here.

You're after my job!

What?!

You're opening up
a bathroom across town?

You're in here trying
to steal my ideas!

Is there a hidden camera
in here?

That's a great idea.

You have a résumé?

The ladies room needs
a manager, you know.

You ever heard of
the term "wet brain?"

There's no need
to suck up to me.

I offered you
the job.

Forget the job.
I've been drinking all night!

Ahh!

Sweet relief.

What the--

Jesus!

Ha ha! Take that!

[Grunts]

I'm gonna report this!

To who?
I'm the boss.

Mr. Jenkins, everyone's
complaining about you.

Ah, they're just jealous.

I give you
one simple job,

And you can't even
do that right.

Well, if it's so easy,

Why don't you handle
the bathroom?

Because it's not
a real job!

It's just a place
to stick you

So you don't
embarrass me.

Well, it didn't work,
did it?

You got me there.

I guess I'll have to
fire you instead.

You can't fire me.
We're partners.

Security!

Unh!

You can't do this to me!

I am talls!

I had a great time,
johnny,

But I have a lot of other
parties to go to tonight.

Thanks for coming.
We'll rock on without you.

I'm sure people
will show up soon.

Omar, we have to
face facts.

No one is coming to
our fraternity bash.

[Sighs]
you're right.

I guess there's
nothing left to do

But hand out the flyers for
the party and call it a night.

You mean you didn't
hand out the flyers?

What did I just say!

Honestly, I don't think we're
cut out for fraternity life.

But, in a way,

Isn't life
one big fraternity--

All of us brothers?

That's beautiful,
omar.

Thank you.

It came to me when I was
making out with my hand.

I guess I had
a fraternity all along,

With clay and angus
and grandma and dad.

Don't worry, johnny,

I'm sure they'll
take you back

If you let them
haze you enough.

I guess you're right.

The only problemo

Is that my poor old gran
is gonna start smoking again.

Sure, but you have
to remember,

When she started smoking

It wasn't as bad for you
as it is today.

I never thought of it
that way, omar. Thanks.

I feel a lot better now.

What about your family?

Do you think
they'll take you back?

Yes, of course.

My dad needs me to help
clean the bell tower.

Well, here's to
going back home.

I'm gonna miss
this tail, though.

I hear you, buddy.

I made you,
clay zeeman!

I can break you!

You're right,
mr. Jenkins.

Come back.

Oh. Well, thanks, clay.

I'm glad you came
to your senses.

Uhh--aaaah! Oof!

[Groans]

I never get tired
of that.

[Purrs]

You're gonna
pay for this, clay.

You're gonna pay!

Hey, thanks, clay, buddy.
I had a good time.

Yeah.
That party was hot.

♪ You are a loser ♪

♪ A loser, a loser ♪

[Sobbing growls]

♪ Don't cry for me,
angustino ♪

♪ The truth is
I planned this whole thing ♪

♪ So I could collect...
Insurance money ♪

♪ I kept my promise ♪

♪ I'm even richer ♪

Grandma:
god, I know I don't
talk to you much,

'Cause you're
an absentee landlord!

Sorry about that.
I...i didn't mean it.

Please, dear god,

Please help me
in my time of trouble.

Give me a sign, at least,
that you're listening.

Cigars,
cigarettes, candy.

Thank you, god!

[Everyone talking at once]

[All gasp]

Grandma!
You're smoking!

God wanted me to.

[Glass breaks]

Ok, everyone,
this is a robbery!

Wait a second,
that voice, it--

Stanley?

From the home
purchasing network?

That's right.
I came here to rob you.

We don't have
anything.

We're just
a poor country family.

Heh! Fine!

But I didn't come here
for nothing.

Say your prayers,
rabbits!

Ha ha ha ha ha!

Ah, ha ha ha ha ha ha!