01x04 - Hostage Johnny

[bunniefuu]

♪ I can't wait to talk
to paula today ♪

♪ I had the dream
about the oatmeal again ♪

♪ Paula didn't
come home last night ♪

♪ I hope that she's ok ♪

au revoir,
professor.

tu es magnifique,
chérie.

Uh-huh.
Huh, huh, huh...

♪ I was worried paula
was out getting laid ♪

♪ But she got a job
working as a night maid ♪

Good morning,
johnny.

Paula, I don't like the idea
of you working all night.

If you need money,

I could ask people
on the street for change.

That's sweet of you, johnny,
but I wasn't working.

My sexy and sophisticated
french poetry professor

Made me stay after class
for about 12 hours.

[Paula sighs]

We discussed
my transformation

From a girl to a woman.

I had a dream
it was raining oatmeal.

Professor dubois' dreams are so
much more complex than that.

He dreams of caviar
and oysters.

Wow! That is sophisticated.

Well, he is a professor.

All my professors
are amazing.

It's just so nice to be around
someone I respect for a change.

Have a good day
of begging, johnny.

Respect, huh?

I don't get no respect.

What a thrill.

There's my angel
of the morning.

Mama...is it wet in here,
or is it just me?

God...you're strong, mama.

I'm gettin' too old
for this crap!

I have a good mind
to let you get a rash,

You...incontinent rummy!

Mama...i'm itchy.

You're always itchy.

You were an itchy baby,
you're an itchy drunk,

And this is not
a mother's job.

This is a wife's job!

Ouch!

You need a g*dd*mn wife!

You can move in
with her...

Piss all over
her f*ck' house.

I feel like
a big boy now.

And your new wife can take
care of you and johnny.

I'll have the whole house
to myself.

Finally! Finally, to get out
of that lousy basement!

You know there's
spores down there?

Hell, no. I got a chick
comin' over in 15 minutes.

If I let you
light up now,

It'll be gone by the time
she gets here.

[Growling]

[Chuckles]

Sorry, buddy.
I can't do it.

I don't want your high a*s
blowin' up my scene.

[Growling]

Ohh! Ahh! [Giggles]

sh*t! Beautiful! Oh!
sh*t! Beautiful! Oh!

Angus!

[Whimpers]

Angus, that was
a $50,000 tv.

That can be replaced...

But my first bong--
old ethel--never.

Son, this was

My great-grandfather's
bong,

Who passed it on
to your grandfather,

Who gave it to me.

And now
I give it to you.

Her name is...
Ethel.

You've destroyed
my most precious keepsake.

[Growling]

Now no one can get high...

You selfish
bong-breakin' ferret.

[Growling]

Don't bring
a shard of glass

To a knife fight,
my friend.

[Growling]

[Doorbell rings]

You're so lucky.

Hee hee hee hee
hah hah hah!

Hey.

Hey.

Sorry, angus.

[Muttering]

Thanks so much for meeting
with me, mr. Stanky.

Johnny, I've been
looking forward

To this cherry pie
all day,

And I'd like
to enjoy it in peace.

That's
a nice-looking pie.

Anyway,
I want to be a t.a.

For your biology class.

Hold on. The pie's
saying something.

What's that?

I already have
a t.a.?

That's for pointing
that out, pie.

Sorry, johnny.
The pie has spoken.

Tell the pie that 2 t.a.s
are better than one.

The pie says it doesn't
look good for me

To have failing students
as teaching assistants.

And now back to the pie.

[Crying]
ohh...ohh...ohh...

Please stop that.

[Crying]

Please? Just
for one class?

All right.
Me and the pie

Are going on vacation anyway,
so who cares?

Ohhh...oh, mr. Stanky,
you won't regret this!

Ha ha ha! I promise!

The caribbean?

[Using alternate pronunciation]
or the caribbean?

Mm-hmm! Ah!

Here we are.

"Lovegeyser.com.

Sprayin' love
everywhere."

Perfect!

"Name."

Douglas jenkins.

Uh, "profile."

Pathetic wino seeks sugar mama
to pay for everything.

Yeah, I better
massage that a little.

Ah. Delicious
piece of arm candy

Lookin' for a generous
arm to hang onto.

You buy me dinner,

I'll be your
fuzzy little bear.

Hah hah hah!
I like it.

You give me a home,
and I'll never leave it!

Ha ha ha!
Holy sh*t!

Whoo! That was fast!

There must be
a lot of lonely,

Desperate moneybags
sittin' around.

All right!
[Chuckles]

"I'm lookin' for the object
of my desires,

And money is no object."
Ha ha ha ha!

A bingo! Yeah!

♪ I'm gonna be a t.a. ♪

Paula!

Hey, johnny.

Guess what.

I'm teaching
a class tomorrow...

Just like one of your
amazing professors!

Oh. What class?

It's biology.

Do you wanna come
watch me teach tomorrow?

Sure. Biology?

Ooh, that's
a really tough subject.

If you didn't know what
you were talking about,

You'd look so stupid.

so stupid.

I'm proud of you,
johnny.

[Uneasily]
thanks, paula.

Well...
I'll see you...

[Cheerfully]
in the morning!

Betsy: so...
What's the thread count

On this comforter,
anyway?

Clay: jesus. If we're gonna
get that personal,

I'm gonna
have to relax.

[Choking and sputtering]

Clay:
don't f*ck' scratch
my doors, you d*ck.

That's right, we're
gettin' high in here

Without you
or my favorite bong.

[Chittering]

[Growling]

[Alarm ringing]

That son of a b*tch.

Angus!

[Chittering]

Urrrhhh...

Yeah!

Looking for something,
angus?

You must think
I'm an idiot.

Nice try,
though.

Look at you! Ohhh...

What did I do to deserve
a son like this?!

Mama, I'm goin'
down the drain.

More like the toilet,
you drunken turd!

Now, look...i found a woman
on the internet for you,

And you're havin' lunch
with her.

And...it's your job to woo
the pants off of her

So I don't have to do
this sh*t no more! Get it?!

Where is my head

In relation to my legs
right now, mama?

Up your a*s!

Now, get your beauty sleep,
dougie.

You hit the auction block
tomorrow at noon.

[Drunkenly]
whee! I'm in space!

Aah!

Don't you just
love spooning?

Not after I c*m.
Or before.

I hate that I have to leave
so soon after we make love.

It doesn't
give us any time

For discussing
our feelings.

Yeah, that's one
of the big drawbacks.

If only we could spend
the whole day together.

But you can't
because you love to fly,

And it shows.

[Pager beeps]

[Gasps] great news,clay.

My flight was delayed.

We can stay just
like this for hours.

Great.

I love wrapping my strong arms
around your waifish frame.

Do you like it?

I like it just fine.

[Cell phone rings]

Mmm. Baby spoon.

Speak.

Clay,
I'm late for class!

I need to get to school
ferrari fast.

Cool.
Be right there, johnny.

Sorry, babe, gotta go.
My friend just called.

He said my ferret's sick.

Ew!

Thanks, clay.

Unh!

Gimme that jacket!
That's your father's!

I just thought
I could borrow it.

He never wears it.

Yeah? Well, he's
wearing it today.

Mama, you didn't put out
my clothes today.

I laid out your pants,
didn't i?

Now go back inside.
You're--you're a spectacle.

Next time you should have your
grandma throw you to school.

You'll get there
a lot quicker.

Hi, johnny.

Hi!

See you inside.

Nice. Who is she?

That's claudia.

She's the other
teaching assistant.

Well, I may just have to
audit this class of yours.

I'm touched.

I could use
the moral support right now.

I'm a little nervous
with paula coming.

I want to impress her.

What are friends for?

You go ahead, johnny.

I'll be there in a sec.

Ok. See you.

I don't care
how hot she is.

I'm not sitting through that
class without gettin' high.

[Laughs]

[Laughing]

Sorry, bro,
you broke old ethel.

There's no way I'm letting you
touch catherine.

[Growling]

How many times
do I gotta tell you?

No horseplay
in the ferrari.

Hi, paula.

Hi, professor jenkins.

What happened to you?

I got attacked by...
My front lawn.

[Clears throat]

Good morning, class.

Hey, johnny.

Mr. Stanky
is on vacation,

So I will be
teaching the class today.

[All booing]

Student: who the hell
are you to teach us?

Second student:
aren't you failing?

Come on.

Way to go.

[Sexy music playing]

I just had to powder my nose.
Have we started yet?

Not yet.

Oh, good.

Good morning, class.

Oh, yeah, baby,
right on. Right on.

Good morning, claudia.

Hey, heat miser!

Get your hair out of the way
so I can see the blackboard.

[Growling]

How's your view now?

Mama, I'm nervous.

I've been out of the dating
scene for a while now.

Maybe I should
have a drink.

No! Listen up!

You're staying sober
for this one.

See, the secret
to dating...

Is hiding
who you really are.

[Cackling]

[Car pulls up]

Oh, my god!
She's here!

What a cow.

Yeah, a cash cow!

And you better
make this work!

Now, when I say gene,

I'm not talking about button fly
or acid washed.

I'm talking
about gene...etics.

Genetics! Right?

I got a biology question
for you, claudia.

Was it your mother or father
who carried the hottie gene?

Was it your mother or father
who carried the jerk off gene?

Students: ooh!

♪ She thinks
you're a jerk off ♪

Vic, don't be
a show boat.

Clay's new
to the class,

And he's just
trying to fit in.

Thanks, teach, but I don't think
I need protection

From a guy
who got beat up

By his grandmother
this morning.

[Class laughs]

She just stripped me of--

Why did your grandma
strip you?

He asked her to.
He's hard up.

You're terrible,
clay zeeman!

But seriously, folks,

Your teacher,
johnny jenkins,

Couldn't get laid
in a hen house.

Quit it.

That's what johnny's mom said
right before she left.

You're a hoot.

Want to see
my ferrari?

Sure.

Class, let's take
a 10-minute break.

All: aww!

Just 10 minutes, right?

Are you ok, johnny?

That clay
is a monster.

Oh, he's not so bad.

It was nice of him to come to
class and support me.

When he gets back,

I'm gonna kick him
in the gonads.

Hey, johnny,
maybe she could beat up

Your grandma for you
afterwards, too, huh?

You don't have
to do that, paula.

I'll handle it myself.

Why don't you just
go back to your school

And see that sexy
french professor

You like so much.

Ok, johnny.

Come on, dougie!
Woo her! Woo her!

Do you like sandwiches?

Hmm. I guess you do.

So, where do you get
a dress that big?

I beg your pardon!

Hey, you love birds,
how about a bloody mary?

All right!

This one goes out
to leona vesper...

♪ The minute you rolled
through the door ♪

♪ Bum bum ♪

♪ I could tell you were
a real rich lady ♪

A real rich lady!

♪ Hey rich lady ♪

♪ Hey rich lady ♪

♪ Hey rich lady ♪

♪ Spend a little
money on me ♪

[Crash]

Leona: dear?

Dear, can we get another
pitcher of those, please?

Clay's voice:
now no one can get high,

You selfish
bong-breakin' ferret.

Claudia should
be back by now.

Let's face it. She's gone.

She's not coming back.

Our lives are ruined!

Calm down, everyone.

Let's just get back
to the lesson.

f*ck the lesson!

How can we get her
back here?

Johnny's his friend.

Let's hold him hostage
as ransom for claudia.

No! Johnny's one of us!

Come on, guys,
stop kidding around.

No! That's a horrible idea!

Ahh!

Johnny, help.

Aah! Come on!

Let's call
your girlfriend now.

[Cell phone rings]

Hold, please. Speak.

Bring the girl back

Or we're gonna t*rture
your friend johnny.

Who is this?

It's me, vic.

Who is this?

It's me, vic.

I don't know
any vic.

You must have
the wrong number.

[Ring]

Speak.

It's vic
from biology class.

Remember you scared me
with the ferret?

Hmm...

I'll e-mail you
a picture.

Now I remember.

You're
that dorky asswipe

From the class today,
right?

Yeah! Anyway, if you don't
bring claudia back,

We're gonna t*rture
your friend johnny real bad.

Johnny's been tortured
by sicker people than you.

Have you met his family?

No. Are they nice?

Johnny can take
whatever you dish out.

[Exhaling]

Aha!

[Sniffing]

[Gurgling]

Not so fast,
my little furry friend.

How about a little wager
before we light up?

Let's see who can smoke
the most weed.

If you out-smoke me,
you get this kick-a*s hooka

And it's never-ending supply
of wacky tobacky.

And if I out-smoke you,
I get your soul.

Ok. Ready?

Hoses up. Go.

[Both inhaling]

[Coughing]

Oh, man, that's it.

I can't smoke anymore.

I should have stuck
to the fiddle.

[Coughing]

Ta da!

That's right, angus,
you're the winner.

And here's your hooka.

[Devil laughs]

You got all the weed
you'll ever need,

But you'll never leave.

[Laughing]



Cha cha--

Oh, god, how does
that go again?

Ooh! He's great,
isn't he?

Oh, he's very,
very entertaining.

They're going
to adore him at cannes.

Ok, so what's
the deal?

Have you seen enough
or what?

He's all packed
and ready to go.

I must admit, I like
what I've seen so far.

But, well, I haven't
seen it all, now have i?

Of course.
I understand completely.

Dad: hello!

Ooh! And look at the wonderful
marbling here!

That's my dougie.

I'm awfully proud.

Aah! Ow!

I don't think
he can take anymore.

Ok, we'll call clay again.

[Ring]

Speak.

Your boy's
not doing too well,

But don't take
my word for it.

Aah! Clay! Clay!

Ow!

Please bring
claudia back!

So, what do you
think of that?

You ready
to do business?

I don't negotiate
with t*rrorists.

How could I ever think someone
ever trade you for claudia?

He's not coming
to get me?

Nope.

Aww!

Aww!

Now we'll never see
hot claudia again.

Never again.

Let's shave his head!

No! Leave him alone!

Hey, assmar,

You just bought yourself
a head shave, too.

No!

Who keeps calling you?

Sounds like johnny's
having a tough time

Handling that class.

That kid's
such a b*tch.

What did you say?

I said he's a b*tch.

No one makes fun
of johnny...

Except for me...

His dad,
his grandma,

Angus, um, goki,
and paula...

Sometimes chip...

And the mailman
when we see him occasionally...

And I guess the guy
from the record store...

And cardinal malrooney.

But you?
You're out of order.

You f*cking
piece of sh*t!

Louis, we've got
a hostage situation.

Assemble the s.w.a.t. Team.

These saddlebags
can be totally sucked out.

Leona: and we can put in
some pec implants.

Look how much younger
he looks when I do this.

I don't want
to be all cut up.

Oh, don't you want
to be pretty for me?

And I can get you
on the donor list

For a new liver,

Then you can drink
all you want.

Let the slicing begin!

Uh, you're
not expecting me

To pay for any
of this, right?

No, of course not, dear.

I'm his mama now.

I'll take care of it.

Mama?

Yes?

Yes?

Move in.

Bald and toothless
at 19.

[Crash]

Aah! No!

All right, this is how
it's gonna work.

I'm taking the kid and we're
walking out of here, see?

No!

Don't do
anything stupid.

Oh, I won't.

Whoa!

Nice.

Get him!

You guys are heavy.

I think someone's gonna be
very happy to see you safe.

Johnny!

No! I'm his mama!

No! I'm his mama!

Well, there's a simple way
to settle all of this.

We'll just see who
he wants to be his mama.

Good idea, fattie.

Now, come to mama,

And I'll give you everything
you ever dreamed of.

Don't listen to her,
dougie!

I've always
taken care of you.

I'm your real mama.

No, no, no, no.

Come to mama.

Douglas jenkins,
get over here right now!

Dad: I can't decide.

You both look like
one big person right now.

Leona: oh, mercy!

Now look what you did!

Well,
I'll just change him.

I do it all the time.

No, no, no. I will.

Grandma: hey, hey, hey!

You're not breading
a cutlet down there.

Leona: he's tender.

Dad: ooh!

Did you say cutlets?

Yeah, you cow!

Now, why don't you
leave this to an expert?

Hyah!

Mama, I'm cold.

Damn straight!

I'm your mama!

Wait here, boy,

While I take out
the trash.

Ouch!

Ooh! Ooh! Oh! Oh! Ow!

I knew you'd come
for me, clay.

Yeah, sorry I f*cked up
your chance to impress paula.

But I'm gonna
make it up to you.

I choppered her in all the way
from coconut college.

[Helicopter approaching]

Wow! She made good time!

[Helicopter approaching]

Wow! She made good time!

She only left here


So, what did I miss?

You two have fun.

Johnny's gonna give you
a private lesson,

If you know what I mean.

Nice.

Johnny,
where's your hair?

Uh, most of it's
over there.

Oh, look at you,

Standing there
in front of your classroom.

You look so distinguished
and mature.

Just like
my history professor.

Really?

Yeah.
Except he has hair.

Besides that,
you look just like him.

Teaching was
a lot harder

Than I thought
it was going to be.

I'm sorry you had
to see me like that.

Well,
under the circumstances,

I thought you were great.

Oops.
You lost something.

[Lisping]
I'm so embarrassed.

Uh, you can hardly notice.

It makes you look older,
anyway.

Do you really think I could
be a teacher someday?

I think you can do anything
you set your mind to, johnny.

Really?

Sure.

I think you could
do anything,

Go anywhere,
be anybody,

Date any girl,

Cook any meal,
vacuum any rug,

Wax any floor,
take out any garbage.

Oh...

When you said,
"date any girl,"

Did you mean
"any girl"?

Not just any girl.

You need to find a girl

Who likes to sleep
with their professors.

Good luck, johnny!
I know she's out there.

You know, mama,

You really do
bloody marys right.

Yeah, well, just because
I'm not willing

To give you away
to some rich elephant

Doesn't mean you're not
an embarrassment as a son.

Of course, mama.

Clay: angus, buddy,
you saved the day.

You rolled in,

And those geeks
went down faster

Than johnny's grandma
at a huge c*ck convention.

I got you something as
a token of my appreciation.

That's right, buddy,
your very own hooka...

Veronica.

[Purring]

[Laughing maniacally]