01x02 - Tootsie

[bunniefuu]

So are you enjoying your
honey-nut little girlie os?

They're leprechaun os.

What have you got
floating around in there,

Little marshmallow panties?

Ha ha ha ha.

Your son's
a panty eater.

Dad and grandma:
♪ panty eater, panty eater ♪

♪ Johnny's a panty eater ♪

[Doorbell rings]

♪ They're
mystically nutritious ♪

You should try some.

Boy.

Hello.
Good morning, sir.

I'm looking for
a johnny o'jenkins.

Who the hell are you?

You have won
a glorious prize. It's the--

Johnny, pay attention.

This is how a man handles
basic social interaction.

Get off my front lawn,
shorty!

You mess with the leprechauns,
you get the clovers.

You son of a b*tch.
You pervert!

You're f*ck' dead, you fat,
old, ugly c*cksucker.

Johnny, if you're ever
in a fight with a m*dget,

Remember
they have weak kidneys.

No! Not my kidneys!

They're so weak!

Well, should
have thought of that

Before you rang my doorbell.

See, johnny?
Your old man's still got it.

Thunder and lightning,
baby. Oh, yeah.

Thunder and lightning.

Let it be a lesson
to you.

Dad, I'll never forget what
I've learned here today.

Good, now
clean this mess up.

Holy cow!

I won the leprechaun os
sweepstakes.

Clay, I won
a free trip to mexico.

You wanna come with me?

Mexico?

No way. I'd rather sit at home
and chill for the next week.

Come on.
It'll be fun.

No. Sitting
at home's funner.

It's "more fun,"
not "funner."

I was about to agree,

But now that you've
corrected me,

I don't want to go.

What about angus?
Wouldn't he want to go?

Angus doesn't
like mexico.

Oh. I always thought
he loved it.

Oh, well, I can't
convince both of you.

Hold, please.

If you continue
to hold your breath,

You won't be able to
come to mexico with us.

All right, johnny.
You convinced me.

We're going to mexico.

Yay! Great!
I'll pack and come over.

[Chatters]

Hi, johnny.

Hi, paula.

Got some exciting plans
that involve the both of us.

You do?

It's gonna be awesome.

I've been waiting for this
weekend for a long time.

You have?

Yeah,
I've been dreaming of it

Since
I was a little girl,

But I've been too embarrassed
to tell you about it.

That's exactly
how I feel, paula.

I've been
dreaming of it as well.

My whole life
I've wanted to...

Yes? Yes? Yes?

Go to pony camp!

Me, too!

Johnny, are you g*y?

No!

Well, a guy wanting to go
to pony camp is g*y.

If you want,
I can find out

If there's a pony camp
for g*y guys.

But I'm not g*y.
I don't even like ponies.

Johnny,
how could you say that?

I'm sorry. I don't
know what I'm saying.

I'm drunk.

Well, don't get drunk
this weekend,

Because I need you
to take care of my dog tootsie.

You do?

Yeah.

You do?

Yeah.

You're the only one
I trust enough,

Well, who's not doing
anything this weekend.

I'm flattered.

I knew you'd
never let me down.

Well, here
are all her toys,

Her blankies,
and treats.

And here's tootsie.

There's my ride.
Thanks, johnny!

I wish she'd jump
on my face like that.

What have you got
hiding back there?

The day you pull
one over on me, kiddo,

Is the day I start
lactating again.

You call this
a paycheck? Huh.

Don't expect me
to go another week

Without getting
my nails done.

And it's coming out
of your liquor money.

Ma, it's not my fault.

It's the economy.

Excuses!

My friend madge's son
just bought her a new car.

And when she asks me
about you,

What am I supposed
to say? Huh?!

You could say I just kicked
a leprechaun's a*s.

[Sobbing]

Y-you break my heart.

You had so much promise.
Now look at you.

Ma, I'm gonna
make you proud

As soon as I get
my driver's license back.

You'll see.
My sales'll skyrocket.

What happened to
your driver's license?

Uh, parking tickets?

How in the hell are you
supposed to sell anything

If you can't get to your
accounts? as*h*le.

Will you drive me?

Sit up straight.
Tuck in your shirt.

Wipe that smirk
off your face.

Comb your hair.
Fix your tie.

People won't
take you seriously

If you look
like a slob.

Your father wouldn't
have been caught dead

Wearing those pants.

Actually, these are
the pants he died in.

No sh*t?

How did you
get those?

Dad, are you sure
we should be doing this?

I just bought him
these pants. Shut up!

Ok, here's
your first account.

Let's just hope some of your
father's business savvy

Rubbed off on you.

Don't worry, ma.
It's all rubbed off now.

When
you go in there,

Don't tell them why you
haven't been coming around!

I'm not that stupid, ma.

And remember to give 'em
a firm handshake

And make eye contact.

Right. Eye contact.

I'm gonna go in there
and give 'em hell, ma.

You'll see.

Zip your fly, schmuck.

It's open.

I have bad news.

I can't go to mexico.

I have to take care
of paula's dog tootsie.

Well, that's ok.

Just give me the ticket,
and I'll bring a girl.

Ok.

Please, allow me.

Clay?

Damn.

This b*tch has got
some kicking pheromones.

[Sniffs]

I know.

I can't wait to spend
the weekend with her.

Have fun.

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Can't we take her
to mexico?

No, I don't think paula
would want that. See ya!

But I wanna go
with you guys.

Fine.
♪ But I get to hold her ♪

So whatever happened
to old bob hasslet?

Liver disease.

My records show that neither
you nor your ugly pants

Have made a call on us
for almost 6 months.

I want you out of here
right now!

How'd it go?

What's our next stop?

Come with me!

Ma, don't!
You'll embarrass me.

Hey, didn't I just throw you
out of my office?

Shut the f*ck up.

Come.
Sit next to mommy.

Good boy.

Now, mr. Cacklebag,

How can I get you and my son
in bed together?

In a business
sense, of course.

I'm sorry, mrs. Jenkins,

But those pants
are offensive.

I can't do business with a man
who wears pants like those.

I wouldn't buy office supplies
from those pants

If the last paperclips
on earth were in those pockets.

I've sold thousands
of paperclips in these pants.

Like hell you have!

All right, boys.
Settle down.

I'm sorry. It's the pants.
They make me crazy.

I'm sorry, too.

Those pants
drive me crazy as well.

So you can see what
I'm up against here.

It's not easy
being a single mom.

You know, his dad died
when he was 38,

And, well, I've been
raising him ever since.

That must be hard
for you.

Mr. Cacklebag,

My son isn't usually
this rambunctious.

He's been
into the sugar.

I know how that is.
I have a 4-year-old myself.

Oh, that's a feisty age.

What's your boy's name?

Digger, and you're right.
He is feisty.

Why, just yesterday

He was running around the park
naked chasing ducks.

My dougie used
to do that, too.

Yeah, he did.

What do you mean "used to"?

[Duck quacking]

I'll tell you what.

Maybe we do need
some supplies after all.

Thank you.
I really appreciate it.

You know what?

I've been so lonely since
his father passed away.

[Chuckles]

"For when your b*tch
is in heat

And your hands are full."

We're not here for you,
angus.

Go look at the fish.

Quit it, you f*ck!

Please, guys,
let's stop this

Before someone
loses an eye.

Johnny:
don't worry, girl.

Truce! I give up.

You win.
Here you go, buddy.

Here's a little
peace offering.

Here. Let me help you
put it on.

How's that, buddy?
You like it?

[Chirps]

Good.

b*tch.

[As legolas]
gimli, I've shot


Ah, legolas the elf,

I'll catch you yet.

I've slain 16
with my axe

And still counting.

[Normal voice]
we're losing her.

Well,
I just gave it my all.

Just keep going.

My ancestors did not die

In the mines of moria
in vain!

We'll be roasting
orc meat tonight. Aah!

You're blocking her view.

Clay, I don't think she's
seen lord of the rings yet.

[Sneezes]

Oh, my god.
Did you see that?

That was so cute.

[Sneezes]

Do you think
she's caught a cold?

Maybe she's allergic
to something.

But what?

[Sneezes]

Angus, you have to stay in the
closet until you're de-loused.

[Sneezes]

[beautiful playing]

[Laughs slyly]

[Laughs]

[Purrs]

Uurrgghh!

You know, I think I should
take tootsie home now.

You're not
taking her anywhere.

You can go home and
come back in the morning.

Paula gave her to me!

The olsen twins are
coming over later.

I really want them
to see her.

[High-pitched voice]
angus! Come on out here.

Hi, angus.

I'm michael jackson's
nose.

I hear you don't like
the way you look.

You want to be white
and fluffy just like me.

Well, come on.
Your day of beauty awaits.

Chorus:
♪ angus, if you will ♪

♪ Trust in this nose ♪

♪ And all your dreams
will be fulfilled ♪

♪ You're ugly now ♪

♪ But that will soon
be in the past ♪

♪ After your
hot bleach bath ♪

♪ Angus, if you will ♪

♪ Don't be afraid ♪

♪ To have your
rodent-like blood spilled ♪

♪ We have
to slash away... ♪

Nose: now that
you're white,

The rest is easy.

And now

The sexiest man alive,

Ben affleck,

Will give you
a haircut.

So, angus, what are we
going to have done today?

Oh! You're going
for the tootsie!

Wheeeee!

Woooooo.

Wooooo.

That's my little
fuzzy-wuzzy angus.

So cute.

[Laughs]

Uuurrrggghhh!

[Evil laughter]

[Evil laughter]

[psycho, groupie,
cocaine, crazy playing]

Ok, now what was
so hard about that?

Look,
I'm an old lady,

And I
just made a sale.

Why can't you?

Uh, 'cause
I'm not an old lady?

No, but you are
a middle-aged lunkhead,

So you have to use that
to your advantage.

"Lunkhead."

So what's
the game plan?

It's not the product
I'm selling.

It's me...and I'm
as cheap as they come.

Now get in there
and sell, sell, sell!

You got it, ma.

I'm ok.

There's no way
another tax rebate

Is going to stimulate
the economy.

You son of a b*tch!

Wait. Where's tootsie?

Tootsie?

Pretty baby?

Tootsie?

Pretty baby?

Muffin a*s?

Tootsie?

Aah!

[i feel love playing]

I'll take 3 erasers.

What the f*ck
is that thing?

We got a rat.

Angus, we got a rat.

Go get it.

Johnny: there it is.

Clay: get him!

There he goes!

Clay:
it's disgusting.

We got him now.

Thank god.
It's gonna jump.

So what
we're dealing with

Is a hairless,
mutant rodent

With suicidal
tendencies.

Ah-choo!

Tootsie?

Tootsie?

Both: no!

The chicken hawk
saved tootsie.

Long live
the chicken hawk.

And now it's
going to eat her.

Oh, my god.

Paula's
going to k*ll me.

I k*lled her dog.

You didn't
k*ll her dog.

You got it
k*lled.

There's a big
difference.

Why was she
shaved like that anyway?

Don't look at me.
I have no idea.

Let's check
the security tape.

[Evil laughter]

This is
all your fault.

Now the world has lost
a bright, shining light.

Why the hell did
you shave her anyway?

You're worse
than a f*cking cat.

Get the hell
out of my sight!

I don't care if
I ever see you again.

Maybe there's
still time to save her.

Let's go.

Uhh!

[Whistles]

How are we
going to find her?

We're not. We're going to
get her a new dog.

No, wait.
Let's ask this indian.

He might know
how birds think.

Hey, have you seen
a chicken hawk

Carrying
a shaved pomeranian?

Oh, sure,
I've seen 'em.

We all seen 'em.

We were all just
talking about them.

Who's we all?

Me and all my friends.

Well, can you
lead us to them?

What will you
trade me for it?

What do you want?
You name it.

That's a shiny belt
buckle you're wearing.

I'd like a belt buckle
like that.

What were you?


You gave it to me
last year for my birthday.

That was
thoughtful of me.

Now give it
to the indian.

By the way,
I'm from pakistan.

[Whistling a tune]

[Gasps]

[Coughs]

Eww!

[Mumbles]

[Laughs]

[stick 'em up playing]

[Groans]

Uhh!

I got 3 erasers!

Touchdown!

Pipe down in there!

He's still pumped up
about his big sale today.

Yeah. He sold--
are you ready?



Yeah!

I think he's going
to get promoted soon.

You're so lucky
to have him.

Ha ha!
Tell me about it.

Oh, damn it.

Johnny: I wish
tootsie was here.

She'd know
what to do.

I'll never be able
to face paula.

Hey, guys.
What a nice surprise.

Why did you come
all the way up to pony camp?

Oh...just
to surprise you.

Are you hiding something
from me, johnny?

Is tootsie ok?

Uh...um...

Johnny k*lled
your dog.

What? No,
I didn't k*ll it!

You k*lled tootsie?

No!

He's right.
He got her k*lled.

Big difference.

I didn't
get it k*lled.

I mean, I didn't mean
to get it k*lled!

I mean--

[Crying]
I'm so sorry, paula!

Tootsie!
There you are.

Thank god you're alive.

Oh, I get it now.

She was never dead.

You guys!

You really had me
going there for a minute.

k*lling tootsie--

Oh, my god.
Too funny.

We try.

And I love
the new summer cut.

She looks adorable.

Yeah.

We'll take care of
her again anytime.

She's a blast.

Johnny, you're the best.

Angus, I'll never let a cute
b*tch come between us again.

You're my best friend
and always will be.

Sorry I forgot that.

That's my boy.

Where's tootsie's
new best friend?

Aw, so cute.

I feel all warm
and moist inside.

Johnny, I want you to know

That I really appreciate
your help with tootsie

This weekend.

I really only did it
because I'm in love with--

Well, I owe you big time,

And if there's anything I can do
to make it up to you, johnny,

And I mean anything,

Anything at all,
no matter what,

Don't rule anything out.

Let your fantasies
run wild.

I'm so ready for this.

I can feel it
deep down inside.

Well, maybe sometime

If it's not
inconvenient for you--

Yes? Yes?

Maybe I could
take you to a movie?

That sounds
like a date, johnny.

We're just friends.

Wouldn't you rather have
a manicure because you're g*y?

I'm not g*y!

Gotcha! Ha ha ha.

You're not the only one
who can play jokes around here.

[Laughs]

You know, sometimes
I wish johnny was g*y.

It'd be even funnier to see him
act like this with a guy.

[Laughs]