19x06 - Episode 6

[bunniefuu]

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Good evening.
Welcome to Would I Lie To You?,

the show where dishonesty is
sometimes the best policy.

On David Mitchell's team tonight,

joining us for his first time,
it's comedian Josh Pugh.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

And here to boost all our
Self Esteem,

it's musician and actress
Rebecca Lucy Taylor.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

And on Lee Mack's team tonight,
comedian and star

of Sorry, I Didn't Know,
it's Eddie Kadi.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

And she is one Hull of a mystery.

It's comedian Lucy Beaumont.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

So, to Round 1, Home Truths,

where our panellists read out
a statement from the card

in front of them.

To make things harder,
they've never seen the card before.

They have no idea
what they'll be faced with.

It's up to the opposing team to sort
the fact from the fiction.

And, Lucy, you're first up.

The other day I took a sick bee
to the vet.

LAUGHTER

David's team.

Bumble or honey?

I think it was a honeybee.

And where did you find
this sick bee?

Just on a path.

And I was taking a cat
to the vet anyway.

So I thought, I'll take
the bee with me as well.

Did you know the cat previously,

or had you found
that on the same day as well?

No, I bought the cat from Rhyl.

We had to go to Rhyl to pick it up.

Was this the day you'd picked
up the cat?

No, no, it was time for the kitten
to get, um,

you know, the procedure done.

- A boy or a girl?
- Boy.

Oh, a little Welsh boy cat.

Yeah.

- Have you been done, Rob?
- Not yet.

And if I said its name in
a Welsh accent, it would come to me.

- Oh, right.
- What's its name?

Otto.

- In Welsh?
- Otto!

I would have thought if you
found a little insect like that

on the street, rather than the
vet's,

you're better taking it to the
wasp-ital.

AUDIENCE GROANS

- But it was a bee.
- A&B, then.

He's had a team of people working on
that for the last six minutes.

- Did it survive?
- No.

Awww!

It's a sad ending.

I took it to the vet.

- Yeah.
- And I put it on the ground.

And then I stood on it.

Deliberately?

No, I just forgot it was on the
floor.

I mean, I put the cat down,
and I had to...

You put the cat down?

You only took him in to get
the snip!

I don't know why you put the bee
down...

Where do you want me to put the bee?

On a chair. On a counter.

There wasn't a chair for a bee.

What is this room furnished with?

- Dogs!
- Dogs?

- So all the chairs had dogs on them?
- Yeah.

Was there no, like, reception desk?
Or was that covered in dogs?

What are you thinking, Rebecca?

Do you think she's making
all this up, or could it be true?

I think it's definitely true.

- Because?
- Solidarity with women.
- Yeah.

LAUGHTER

Yeah, I'm not sure that's going
to fare you well in this game.

What do you think, Josh?

I'm happy to believe women.

LAUGHTER

But if Lucy's lying, then
that does set that movement back.

I think it's a lie.

But if she was making it up,

why wouldn't she have said she put
the bee on the counter or the chair?

The fact that we find
that more plausible means

she would probably find
that more plausible.

So that's what she probably
would have invented.

But under these weird circumstances,

where this vet that obviously
specialises in dogs,

so it feels like an irresponsible
place to take a cat,

but we'll leave that -

maybe she did put it on the floor
and she did tread on it,

and would she have invented
that? Treading on the bee?

She's going to get death threats
for k*lling a bee.

So suddenly its very implausibility
makes it seem more likely,

and that is why I am so tired.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

OK, so what are we saying?

I've actually bottled it,
and I'm going to believe women.

True.

- True.
- True.

Lucy, they think it's true.

Was that tale true,
or was it actually a lie?

It was...

..a lie.

APPLAUSE

It's a lie. Lucy didn't take a sick
bee to the vet's.

- Josh, you're next.
- OK.

Me and my mates once stole a
chair from KFC

every night until we had a full
patio set.

Lee's team.

Right.

I mean, the first thing I have
to ask is,

are they not bolted down?

They are now.

We're not talking a domestic KFC
here, Lee.

This was on a Greek island.

Ah!

They do things a little
bit differently over there.

What was the problem that you had
to go to KFC?

So we're in a very bad hotel,
with no furniture.

No pool, actually.

It's like a courtyard with rooms.

Just dogs, everywhere.

So one guy came back with a
chair. We're like, oh, that's good,

and then the next day somebody else
got a chair,

then it became a thing that you...

What were the sleeping arrangements?

- Uh, beds.
- I know that,

because you'd been to Ikea on the
Monday.

And what was your technique
when you would

go into this fast-food outlet
and you'd spy a chair?

My technique was to run.
Get it and run.

You ran all the way from the chicken
shop?

But you've got to think, this is


Oh, well, fair enough.

Another thing to say here is,
we're talking about theft,

like it's all a bit of fun,

- but that poor chicken shop was
probably struggling to survive.
- Mm.

Because they haven't got many
branches, have they?

No, they've not.

- They took it quite badly,
because...
- Oh, they found out?

They clocked on, and would then
start chasing us,

then, by day five and six,

people are getting chased
with tables.

Sorry, they're running off
with tables.

Day four, we've got four seats,
having a good time,

but we wanted more.

What happened at the end of the
week? How did this end?

Well, they began
to recognise us, essentially.

- Right.
- I don't know
why we all went every night.

That probably wasn't helpful.

Lucy, does this strike you as true?

I'm going to say - well...

Thanks for that. And what about you?

I'm looking at you right now,
thinking, are you the type of guy?

Look at me. Let me focus.

Yeah, you're the type of guy.

Josh, if it is true,
maybe you'd like to apologise.

Um, I'm sorry for what we did
as a collective,

I regret it.

If I could take it back, literally,
I would take it back. I'm sorry.

- Is he telling the truth?
- True.
- I think it's true.

- Lee?
- True.
- They all think it's true.

Josh, was it true or were you making
that up?

It was...

..true.

APPLAUSE

It's true. Josh did steal chairs
from a chicken shop.

Rebecca, you're next.

Right.

For the past two years, I have used
the name of a famous actor

as part of my vocal warm-up.

Ooh!

OK. Lee's team.

Tell us the name of
the famous actor.

John Simm.

John Simm.

- Oh, John Simm from Life On Mars
and many other things.
- Doctor Who.

- I don't know who he is.
- You know John Simm?
- No.

- He was the Master in Doctor Who.
- He's been on this show.

- He's been on this show, yeah.
- He sat in that chair.

He was sat next to you,
when you were on.

Not that side. There's no-one sits
that side.

- You don't know who John Simm is?
- No, I've never heard of him.

Well, John, if you're watching now,
I'm sorry.

Yeah. Try harder.

Well, first of all, why John Simm?

Well, he came to see me play live.

- And you met him?
- Yes, he came backstage.

Where was this, Rebecca?

Er, Brighton.

- The Dome?
- Er, no. Smaller.

- The Arena?
- Smaller than that.

- The pub?
- Erm, a bit bigger than
that, but not much.

- Somewhere between the pub
and The Dome.
- Yes. Yeah.

You know, the...

- Oh, I played it.
- Can you remember it
on the way up?
- Yeah.

You looking forward to it?

I wasn't quite sure how
to take that.

I couldn't tell if
that was a compliment or an insult.

I couldn't either.

What is your John Simm routine?

He comes backstage, and I,
for some reason, go,

because I've got a big band,
and I say,

"Star of stage and screen,
John Simm."

- You said that?
- I introduced him
like that,

and he was like, "Why've you done
that? That's weird."

- That was your opening line to him.
- That's what I did.

And then we started to do,

# John Simm, star of stage and
screen

# John Simm, star of stage
and screen

# John Simm, star of stage and
screen. #

Oh, to the tune of Knees Up, Mother
Brown.

Sorry, I just thought it was
Can-Can Song.

So it's

# John Simm, star of stage
and screen

# John Simm, star of
stage and screen

# John Simm, star of stage and
screen

# John Simm, star of stage. #

Wow!

APPLAUSE

Do it to the can-can.

# John Simm, star of stage and
screen

# John Simm, star of
John Simm, star of

# Stage and screen, John Simm
AUDIENCE CLAPS ALONG

# Star of stage and star of stage,
star of stage and screen. #

- Hey!
- Yeah.

Have you got a musical theatre
background?

Rob doesn't really like to sing.

Four people checking his background.

What do you think?

- I believe it.
- Why?

Only because...

..I've just got this solidarity
with women.

Finally, we're getting somewhere.

- What do we think?
- I think it's true.

- True.
- The team says true,
so we're going to say it's true.

Rebecca, is it true or was it a lie?

It's true.

APPLAUSE

Yes, it's true. Rebecca does use
John Simm as a vocal warm-up.

Our next round is called This Is My,
where we bring on a mystery guest

who has a close connection to one of
our panellists.

This week, each of Lee's team will
claim it's them

that has the genuine connection
to the guest.

It's up to David's team
to spot who's telling the truth.

So please welcome this week's
special guest, Glyn.

APPLAUSE

So, Eddie, what is Glyn to you?

This is Glyn.

We both spent one night asleep
in the window of a bed shop.

Right. Lucy, how do you know Glyn?

This is Glyn.
I can no longer look him in the eye

after what he caught me doing
in the living room.

Finally, Lee,
what's your relationship with Glyn?

This is Glyn. I have been his best
man at all five of his weddings.

So there we have it.
David's team, where will you begin?

Eddie, what was this bed shop?

Why were you in the window
overnight?

I was working for a bed shop
in Kingston.

I used to work in the warehouse.

Our guy here, Glyn,
he was a delivery man.

This was a full-time job
or a part-time job?

No, it was a part-time job.
It was my final year of uni.

- And what were you studying?
- Media technology.

So not a proper course, then?

Well, look where I ended up.

That's what I mean.
Not a proper course.

- Glyn did what, did you say?
- He was a delivery guy.
- The driver?

- The driver?
- But you're saying
that you spent the night...?

We spent the night
in the shop window.

It was a promotion night,
so the owner...

Got the driver of the...?

LAUGHTER

Glyn. Keep it together, Glyn.

He never does as he's told. That's
why he's been married five times.

The owner of the shop was a madman,
Josh.

He always had crazy ideas, right?

And the thing is, myself and...
Love Glyn, because every time

he came down, I used to tell him
about, you know,

being raised in the Congo.
We had these great conversations.

Funniest guy in the world.
I know he doesn't look it right now.

Well, he looks like
he likes a laugh.

I'll tell you what, he likes
sleeping with his wives' sisters.

So, to be clear,

you and Glyn here both bonded
about growing up in the Congo.

Listen, this guy taught me
how to dance to Congolese music.

Show them, Glyn.

Glyn, come on. Remember?

So what happened?

Yeah, so Josh came one day,
said, "I want to do a promotion,

"but, guys, how would you feel about
spending the night in my store?

"I'm going to get the local
photographer to come down,

"the papers to come down, spend the
night, and then the shop window,

- "people will be seeing you."
- Were you in the same bed?

- You were in the same bed?
- No, we had two separate beds.

The funny thing is, it got to about


and he needed to go to the toilet,
right?

But the thing is, he was told,
"Try your best not to actually

- "shift until later on, when it gets
really early."
- Not to what?

Yeah, not to...?

- So try your best not to shift.
- Oh, shift.
- Yeah.

I thought the same thing.
We all did.

- Yeah.
- That would be a hell of
a bit of advice from the supervisor.

"Stay in there, and the number one
rule, don't you-know-what."

- And the press came,
the local Kingston paper?
- Yeah.

- Wow.
- I mean, you say wow, Rob.

In order to get a local paper to
come and take a picture

of something, what you have to do
is ask them, and they'll go,

"Oh, thank God,
something to put in the paper."

Now, if you are satisfied with
Eddie, you can move on.

I think where we are with it
is it could have happened,

but it might not have happened.

- So...
- Yeah, I'd be interested
to hear from the other two as well.

That might help us.

OK, let's move on to Lucy.

- Lucy Beaumont.
- Hello.
- Hello.
Now, you say you can't look Glyn

in the eye because of
something he saw you do.

- Yeah.
- What was that thing?

He caught me squirting breast milk
into a Peppa Pig bowl.

Wow.
And why were you doing that?

Oh, firstly, was it your own
breast milk or someone else's?

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

It was my mother's.

- It was my own.
- Yeah.

- This might help with this.
Why was Glyn there?
- Oh.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Because Glyn was doing
the electrics on the house,

but I didn't know... I didn't
know... I didn't know...

- IMITATING ACCENT:
- Please say "know"
again.

- What didn't you "know"?
- I thought he'd gone.

- You thought he'd left for the day?
- Yeah.

And so you were expressing
breast milk into a Peppa Pig bowl?

- Yeah.
- Is the branding of the bowl
important to the story?

No. It was the only thing
that was there.

- I needed to do it quickly.
- OK. And...

And then what, he just wandered
into the living room?

I've just got a horrible...
Did you say he was an electrician?

- Yeah.
- Coming in with a black coffee
going, "Have you got any milk?"

"Er, no."

- My baby, she'd had a really, really
long nap, you see.
- Right.

- And if you miss a feed, well,
it doesn't disappear.
- Yeah.

- It comes out.
- Right.

So he walks into the room.
What happens next?

He said to me,
"Why are you wearing my shirt?"

What?! Wow.

Now, I must say,
I wasn't expecting that.

Because I'd had a nap, and when
I woke up, I was a bit cold,

so I put a shirt on,
and I didn't know it was his shirt.

So when he saw what you were doing,
what did he do?

- He ran out.
- So he asked you first, right?

- "Why are you wearing my shirt?"
- Yeah.

Then you said, "I don't know."
And then he ran off.

You're very interested
in this story, Eddie,

for someone who knows for a fact
that this is your friend

- who you slept in a shop with.
- Well...

APPLAUSE

Did he finish the job?

The electrics job?

I haven't actually
seen him properly since.

He's a friend of my dad,
so he still sees my dad.

And had he finished the electric job
that day, or did he leave...?

No, but he tends to not finish a lot
of jobs he does.

- All right, now...
- Shall we move on to Lee?

- You could, yes. Remind us, Lee,
of your claim.
- This is Glyn.

I've been the best man
at his wedding five times.

Please name the five wives.

I'll name them alphabetically.

First one was Annabelle.

Second one was Brenda.

I think the third one was...

I'm going to say Alison.

But I thought you were
doing it alphabetically.

- No, I changed my mind.
- OK.

The fourth one was Fiona.

Fiona. That is actually fourth
alphabetically as well,

which is interesting.
And the last one was called...

Xena.

And how do you know him?

Because you must have
a very close relationship.

- We were actually at school together.
- You went to school?
- Yes.

What does Glyn do for a living
these days?

He's an electrician.

He's not really an electrician.
He's a dairy farmer.

The wedding to Annabelle -
where was it?

Oh, gosh. Now, we are going back,

because the first one was
a long time ago.

I want to say Chichester,

but I can't because it wasn't there.

- Oldham.
- Oldham. Big do in a church,
reception at a hotel?

It was a big do in a church,
then a reception and a hotel.

And then the second one?

This is easy when you've got David
giving you the answers.

Second one, registry office do,
reception in a pub?

Reception sort of thing, and then
there was a sort of do in a pub.

And the third one was at one of
those posh wedding venues

where you can have the service and
then the do all in the same place?

The do was all in the same place,
very posh.

And was the fourth one just actually
a very private affair

- with just a couple of very close
friends?
- It was very private,

and there was only a couple
of friends there.

The fifth one, of course,
we're aware of,

because it was in
St Paul's Cathedral.

Who was your personal
favourite wife?

Ooh, I'd probably say Xena,

cos it's the only one I can remember
from the list.

Did you do the same speech
at each one?

No, I changed the names.

Is Glyn courting at the moment?

Courting? No, he's in court,
funnily enough,

again.

- What's he in court for?
- Voyeurism of lactation.

I just wondered if there'd ever been
any chemistry between you

- and these many wives.
- You're asking
if I slept with his wife,

aren't you?
Just when will you ever forgive me?

APPLAUSE

When?

All right, we need an answer,

so is Glyn Eddie's bed buddy,

Lucy's awkward acquaintance

or Lee's married mate?

Anyone you want to rule out
at this stage?

For example, Lee.

I think he's an electrician,
this guy.

Do you think he's an electrician?

An adulterer,
but an electrician by trade.

- What are you thinking, Rebecca?
- I think it's the breast milk.

Glyn has got the look of
an electrician.

He has, you know.

He looks VAT registered to me,
this guy.

Wait, wait. Just... So you don't
think this man is Congolese?

I just want to be clear.

- Josh?
- Yeah, Lucy for me.

Yeah, we can pull it back
with this point.

OK. We're hoping to score a point

by saying that Lucy has been
telling the truth.

OK, Glyn, would you please reveal
your true identity?

Hi, my name is Glyn,

and Lucy can't look me in the eye.

APPLAUSE

Yes, Glyn is Lucy's
awkward acquaintance.

Thank you very much, Glyn.

Thanks, Glyn.

APPLAUSE

Which brings us to our final round,
Quickfire Lies, and we start with...

It's David.

Because I have
such a small gullet...

..whenever I have a headache, rather
than struggle to swallow a tablet,

I have two squirts of Calpol.

- Lee's team.
- Erm, OK.

Do you do your own squirt,
or does Victoria do it for you?

I can self-squirt. That's fine.

David, do you remember the first
time you realised this is an issue?

Oh, I mean...

- About 15 seconds ago.
- I always...

I always had terrible trouble
with tablets.

And so it was a great relief
when we had our daughter,

I discovered this form
of paracetamol

that was so easy to ingest.

And how much are you having of it?

- I have two squirts.
- Have you ever overdone it?

No, not on the...
Not on the paracetamol.

David's never overdone it
in any area of his life.

Talk me through the process.
Every detail.

- What, the manufacturing process?
- No, no, no. How do you take it?

There's a bottle of it,
and you take the top off the bottle.

Do you struggle with the top?
I do sometimes.

- You have to push and turn.
- Yes.
- Yeah.

My daughter shows me how.

Then there's a sort
of syringe-y thing.

It's just a squirty tube, really.

And then you put that in the top,
and then you invert the bottle.

Frightening moment,
but it usually goes OK.

Then you pull out the plunger.
It fills with Calpol.

Reverse, remove, squirt. Golden.

David,
have you tried any other method?

Why? I've found a method that works.

While stealing your
daughter's medicine?

No, I... It's not stealing it.

I mean, let's be honest, she doesn't
buy her own Calpol, does she?

- Well, I have one more question.
- Oh, yes.

Do you eat her snacks?

"Hair" snacks?

- Her snacks.
- No.

If you wouldn't nick her snacks,
why would you nick her medicine?

That's my theory.

- What are you thinking, Lee?
- I think it's a lie,

- and you think it's a lie?
- Got to be a lie. Lie, lie.

- You think it's a lie?
- I think
it's a lie.
- We'll say it's a lie.

They think it's a lie, David.

Was it a lie or was it true?

It was a lie.

Ah!

APPLAUSE

Yes, it's a lie.
David doesn't have a small gullet.

Next...

..it is Josh.

Last year, I won a "dogs who look
like their owners" competition,

even though I'd not entered,
I'd just stopped to watch.

Lee's team.

OK, first of all, where was it?

It was at a town and country show.

- What dog won? Can we guess?
- Feel free.

- Poodle.
- No.

Shitzu.

- You just wanted to say that, didn't
you?
- First dog that came to me.

You're supposed to call them
shift zus.

Was it a labradoodle?

I'm not a dog expert,
but I'll tell you what,

- what a good-looking dog it was.
- Was it?

Did you have a dog with you
when you stumbled upon this?

I had no dog with me at all.

I was there just with my wife
and kids.

So you went in
with someone else's dog?

- Yeah, he approached me.
- Yeah.
- He says, "You look like my dog."

It's a bold opener, that.

What did you have to do
in the competition?

Just had to parade, do a little
story about the dog, and just...

- Oh, do tell.
- I had to... Obviously had to...

I would never do it on this show,
but I had to lie at the time

- about...
- Yeah.

- What did you say?
- Just that it was my dog

and I'd had him since a pup
and all this.

- Did you know its name?
- It was Hugo.
- It was called Hugo.

And what did you say?
What was the story?

- Just said, like, I'd rescued him.
- From?

From, you know, the brink, really.

It was a close call
between me and second place.

- Right.
- But what sealed it
was the twinkle in the dog's eye.

Right, OK.
And the way you urinate.

- What are you thinking, Eddie?
- The dog's called Hugo?

- Yeah.
- No.

- Hugo. Who calls a dog Hugo?
- Well, it's the opposite of stay.

It's...

- So what are you going to say?
- Let's go with true.

- True?
- Yeah, true.

I will go with my team
and say it's true,

- and then blame them.
- OK, they're saying it's true.

Josh, was it true or was it a lie?

It was...

- ..a lie.
- Oh!

APPLAUSE

It's a lie.
Josh does not look like his dog.

Next...

..it's Lucy.

Once on a train,
I was the victim of a snack attack.

Describe the snack attack, please.

Sorry. Firstly, are you OK? David...

I was on a train and I fell asleep,
and there was a g*ng of teenagers,

and then I woke up and they got off.

You know a Wagon Wheel?
They'd parted a Wagon Wheel

and they'd stuck it to my forehead.

- While you were asleep?
- Yeah.

And you didn't realise
until they'd left?

I woke up and I could see them
getting off laughing, and then...

..and I could feel I had a Wagon
Wheel on my forehead.

There's a lot of gangs
of kids, actually,

that do carry Wagon Wheels now.

Is this an isolated incident, Lucy,

or have other things like this
ever happened to you?

Ever since that happened, I've been
looking, has anything humiliating

like that ever happened
to someone else in public?

And then I saw a woman...
I was on my way to a gig,

and she had, you know, one of them
massive rollers in her hair,

- you know, just in her fringe
like that?
- Yes.

She was stood at a bus stop,

and a boy on a bike went past
and put a sausage through it.

APPLAUSE

And put it through
and then caught it at the other end,

- and then off he goes again.
- Yeah. In Glasgow.

Rebecca, what are you thinking?

Well, I'm ever so sorry
that happened.

- Do you think it's true?
- Yes.
- OK.

- Josh, what do you think?
- Sadly, Rob,

the way this country's going
at the moment, I think it's true.

APPLAUSE

Well, David,
they've made it very easy for you.

Yes, I think it's true as well.

Lucy, we all think it's true.
Was it true or was it a lie?

It is...

Oh, no!

APPLAUSE

It's true. Lucy was the victim
of a snack attack.

BUZZER

Oh, that noise signals time is up.
It's the end of the show.

I can reveal that Lee's team has won
by four points to three.

APPLAUSE

Thanks for watching.
We'll see you next time. Goodnight.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE