18x04 - Episode 4

[bunniefuu]

APPLAUSE

Good evening.

Welcome to Would I Lie To You?,

the show with naked truths
and well-dressed lies.

On Lee Mack's team tonight,

a stand-up comedian who
is the king of the puns.

It's Tim Vine.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

And a multi-award-winning
star of stage and screen,

it's Cush Jumbo.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

And on David Mitchell's
team tonight,

comedian, presenter and Loose Woman,

it's Judi Love.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

And he's an artist, broadcaster
and national treasure,

it's Sir Grayson Perry.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

We begin with Round 1, Home Truths,
where our panellists read out

a statement from the card
in front of them.

To make things harder,
they've never seen the card before.

They've no idea what
they'll be faced with.

It's up to the opposing team to
sort the fact from the fiction.

First up, it's Judi.

As a schoolgirl, I got a
free can of Coke every day

from my newsagent in exchange for
keeping quiet about his affair.

GASPING AND LAUGHTER

Lee's team.

How old were you?

I was 12. And this
happened for how long?

Maybe for about a year or so.

How did you know about the affair?

Er, because I walked in on them.

What were they doing?

Something that they
shouldn't be doing.

Bit of a pick and mix.

Well, he was picking
and she was mixing.

What did you see them do?

They were making...
Getting amorous, were they?

Gosh. Right, so, went in, and the
door, cos it was a post office

as well, was open.

And cos we know him,

I peeped round, and somebody
was on their knees.

Oh, God.

Had they dropped a contact lens?

Or they were simply praying
for forgiveness.

That's not how you lick a stamp!

He went, "Argh!"

They all kind of, like, made noise,
and I kind of,

"I was just checking if you was
all right, sir, I was checking

"if you was all right."
What did he say?

And he was, like...

"Oh, yeah, I'm fine." Yeah.

Did you know who she was?

Yes. She was a member of
the local community?

She definitely was part
of the community.

Was she married?

Yes. So they were both married?

Yeah. Not to each other. No.

At what point did you have
the actual deal where you said,

"I need to be paid with cola"?

Right, so, I didn't go in for
a couple of days,

but back in those days, they had...

Do you remember the jelly sweets
that was a watch?

Oh, yeah. Yes.
I loved those sweets,

and that was the only one
that ever did it,

so, after two days, I was like,

"You know what?
I'm going back in there."

And then he was like, "Oh, no, take
some more, you can have some more,"

and I was like, "Mm...
You never give anything free."

So I said, "Can I have a cola
as well?"

And he was like, "OK,"
and I was like, "OK."

So at no stage did he say to you,
"Don't tell anyone"?

It was all just done
with looks and stuff?

I went back again.

He gave me more sweets.

I said, "Can I get a cola?"

And once I realised he was going
to give it to me every time

I went in...
You realised you were on... Yeah.

So, in a way, by you talking
about this on national television,

you've reneged on the deal.

Well, I haven't said their name

and I haven't said where
I lived at the time.

Where did you live at the time?

Er...

How long did the fizzy
drink deal go on for?

Oh, that went on for time, until...

I'd definitely say at least...

Last week.

Still getting them
delivered to my house now!

What do you think, Tim? Mm...

I don't mean in general,
I mean about this. Yes.

I think it's true, because
your description of the sort

of looks backwards and forwards,
it just... it rings true to me.

CUSH: I'll go with whatever
you think. I'm not sure.

Are you 51%, even,
towards one or the other?

Oh, I see what you mean.
You don't have to be sure, but...

Is that part of the game or do
you just not want to decide?

I don't like deciding because
I like someone to blame. OK.

There's no right and wrong answers.

Well, I mean, yeah, there are.

CUSH: I'm going to say true.
TIM: True.

OK. We'll say true.

They're saying true.

Judi, it was a while ago,
it was shocking... Very.

But was it true?

It definitely

was a lie. Ohh...

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

It's a lie.

Judi wasn't bribed
by her newsagent.

Tim, you're next.

I once wrote a love song
for a girl I saw in a shop.

David's team.

When did you see this
girl in a shop?

Well, I was working in the shop.
Oh, right.

Yeah, and so was she.

Awkward. It was a department store.
I was 18 years old.

I was pretty much falling in love
with every girl I saw at that age,

so... But this particular girl,

I thought,
"Gosh, she's jolly marvellous."

LAUGHTER

So you wrote her a song?

The song was called Jill,
which I said to someone,

"What's the name of the girl?" cos
I'd never been anywhere near her.

Can you sing us the first line?

Erm, yeah. It goes, er...

In fact, I can't remember
the first line, but...

LAUGHTER
I want to feel like I'm Jill,

so can you come and do it to me?

♪ Jill... ♪

You're too far, you're too far.

Yeah, but you are in
different departments.

And what happened? Is Jill typing?
Is she serving a customer?

What is she doing?

It was my understanding
I came over here to sing.

♪ Jill, I can't bear it any more

♪ It's destroying me inside

♪ Jill, I am coming back to you

♪ Yeah, I've made up my mind. ♪

CHEERING

It's, erm...

It's a bit of a room-splitter,
isn't it?

Cos half the people are thinking,
"Ah, that's really romantic,"

and the other half are going,
"Creepy."

I recorded it on a cassette. Right.

And it does get slightly tragic
because I went up to her and I said,

"I wrote a song for you,"

and I handed her the cassette,
and as I handed it to her... Yeah.

...I looked down and on her
name tag, it said "Jackie".

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

What do we reckon?

Erm... I think it's a lie
because it was too funny.

It was too funny.

I love the detail of the
Jackie on the name badge

cos I was thinking about name
badges. Yeah. Exactly.

But then maybe Tim was as well
as he invented the story.

He IS a comedian.

Lie? Shall we go for...?
That last bit...

I think we're going for a lie.

OK, Tim, it was a
heart-warming story. Very.

Truth or lie?

Every word of that is...

...true.

Ohhh!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Yes, true. Tim did write a
love song for a girl in a shop.

Grayson, you're next.

Oh!

Whenever I drive the car,

I can't help but make
vroom-vroom noises.

Lee's team.

You mean you? You actually go
"vroom-vroom"

while it's going along? Yeah.

I suppose it goes back to when I was
a kid and you're playing with cars,

you know, and cars now,
they waft, don't they? Yeah.

They go, "Ooh."

And so if you're coming,
you're going into a roundabout...

MAKES LOUD REVVING NOISES

You know? Yeah, yeah.

So you get, you know, so you're
on board. You're on board.

How long have you been doing
this for?

I do it unconsciously, I think.

Unconsciously, when you're driving?

Yeah...
LAUGHTER

I didn't pass my test until I was 30
cos I was always a motorcyclist,

so I was used to the noise.

That's quite late to pass a
driving test, isn't it? Yeah, I...

David, how old are you now?

I'm 49. And when did you pass again?
Remind me.

I haven't passed.
Oh, you haven't passed, have you?

Have you ever tried?
Have you ever sat your test?

Once. And what happened?

LAUGHTER

What do you think?

Well, we know you failed.
What happened?

No, you know, I crashed into
a mobile library and exploded.

GRAYSON: Did you go back in time?

"Mobile library."

It WAS in the past.

Was it a DeLorean
that you were driving?

Oh, this is a good
opportunity for me.

AMERICAN ACCENT: Marty! Marty!
We gotta get back in the car!

I'm doing Doc Brown.

Thank you, Grayson. Thank you.

So you're doing "vroom-vroom-vroom"
for the revs in the car.

Do you do other things,
like when you go around the corner,

do you go "ee-ee-eeh" like that,

or do you do the windows up
and down? "Vzzzh, vzzzh."

Do you do it all?

Shoo-shoo-shoo-shoo-
shoo-shoo-shoo-shoo-shoo.

Right, Cush, what do you think?

I think it's probably true,
only because your performance

of the vrooms was so quick.

Tim Vine. I think it is true.

You think it's true? Because I...

LAUGHTER

I thought we were coming to a close.

I realised it was the
start of something. Sorry.

I just want to give a reason...

LEE SCREECHES AND REVS

You can't park there, mate.

You wound it the same way. Surely
the other way to go back down.

It wasn't down properly!

Open the door.

It's true.

We're going to go true.

Grayson, they're saying it's true.

Was it true or was it a lie?

Vroom! Vroom-vroom-vroom-vroom!

Vroooooom!

True. Whoa, true.

APPLAUSE

Yes, it's true. Grayson does make
vroom-vroom noises when he drives.

Our next round is called This Is My,
where we bring on a mystery guest

who has a close connection
to one of our panellists.

This week, each of Lee's
team will claim it's them

that has the genuine
connection to the guest.

It's up to David's team to
spot who's telling the truth.

So please welcome this
week's special guest, Paul.

APPLAUSE

So, Cush, what is Paul to you?

This is Paul.

I left my OBE in his chip shop.

GASPING AND LAUGHTER

Right. Tim, how do you know Paul?

This is Paul. We got together
to launch a brand-new snack,

Tim Vine's Bendy Biscuits.

LAUGHTER

Finally, Lee, your
relationship with Paul.

This is Brother Paul,

and I'm ashamed to say that
he's the monk that I got drunk.

LAUGHTER

So there we have it -
Cush's fast-food friend,

Tim's biscuit buddy or
Lee's hammered holy man.

David. Excellent.

LAUGHTER

So, Cush, congratulations
on the OBE. Thank you.

Yes, congratulations on the OBE.
Thank you very much.

You've got an OBE, haven't you, Rob?

I've got the MBE,
just below the OBE. Ahh.

That's like the Carabao Cup
of medals, isn't it? Yes.

They say, when you
get these honours,

they say what it's for, don't they?
Yes.

And what did they list of yours?

Services to drama.

Just services to drama? Mm.

What do you mean, "just"? What's
wrong with that? Because some...

LAUGHTER

Sometimes there are
people and they'll say

services to something,
charity and something.

It'll be a few things.

What were you? Services to what?

DAVID: You got it for
punctuality, didn't you?

Cush, where is this chip shop?

In East Dulwich. Why were you
carrying your OBE with you

to the chip shop?

Well, erm, I took my
parents to the palace.

It was a very special day.

And I wasn't at the OBE bit where
you get sandwiches and stuff after.

Why weren't you at the bit
with the sandwiches?

Because you don't always
get sandwiches and snacks

after the awards.

Like, on that day, the
Queen gave me my OBE,

and then you get to mill around
a bit, and then you leave,

you depart the palace.

Oh, so if you have to make do
with Princess Anne,

you get sandwiches,

but if you've got the Queen,
then no snacks?

Yeah. So the package evens
out overall. Yeah.

And if it's Prince Andrew, it's,
like, a five-course meal with booze.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

So we headed back to where I lived,
to a pub, and then my parents headed

off home and I went to my
local chippy where Paul works. Mm.

Must have been going up towards
midnight or something,

so I went in to get some chips.

What else does he sell
in the chip shop?

In The Codfather, chips...
The Codfather!

Yeah, that's what it's called, Codfather.

When you go in there,
everybody knows that Paul loves,

like, Scarface-y, Italian movies.
Ah, yes. Nice. Nice.

He's got all that
stuff up on the wall.

He's got a slight Tony Montana
look about him, hasn't he?

You could imagine him stood
there with a machinegun saying,

"Say hello to my little friend."

Are you there as well, are you?

So where's your medal at this point?

Everyone in the chippy was really
excited for me, and I put it down on

the counter with my clutch bag,
got my chips,

got my can of Fanta,
got my clutch bag,

and I left like this.

And it wasn't until I got home,

that I got inside, that I was like,
"Where's the box?"

I love the person after you -

"Erm, I ordered cod and chips,
but I, erm... got an OBE."

But by that time, Paul had closed,

so I literally spent the most
fretful night, waiting to find out

if it was in there.

I went back at, like, three
because that's normally

when he starts to open
and heat things up.

Oh, he don't open at lunchtime?

He's not a kebab shop, Judi,
he's a proper chippy.

Yeah, but...

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

So when you went back in...

When I went back in, he was like,
"I know why you're here."

Did you pay for your chips?

Yes, I paid for my chips.

Oh, he's cheeky.

He obviously wasn't
having an affair.

Right, who's next?

DAVID: Right, Tim, remind us what
you marketed with Paul.

It was to launch a brand-new snack
called Tim Vine's Bendy Biscuits.

Describe the snack, please.

Well, the snack came about
from when I'm at my mum's

on a Sunday, she makes me biscuits.

How old are you?

On this particular day, she made me
this biscuit and I just noticed

it was slightly malleable. Mm-hm.

And I began to bend it and he
could touch his toes, you know,

all the way like this.

I just immediately thought,
"Tim Vine's Bendy Biscuits."

I thought one of the defining
characteristics of a biscuit

was that it would snap.

I don't think it qualifies
as a biscuit if it bends.

Well, in my eyes, it did,
and I called it...

LAUGHTER

So what happened, Tim?

I happened to be chatting to a
friend about this, and he said,

"Well, I've got a mate
who works in that industry."

The biscuit industry?
The biscuit industry.

Specifically the biscuit...

Not the food industry,
the biscuit industry.

You're very keen for us to believe
he's a monk, aren't you, Lee?

Did you have any marketing
ideas for this?

I mean, your creative brain.
Yes, I did, yeah.

I immediately thought, you know,

"Tim Vine's Bendy Biscuit -
go on, 'ave a bend!"

I thought that'd be the advert.

Who did Paul work for
in the biscuit industry?

I don't know the name of
the company.

I wasn't there to try and quiz him
what his background was.

He lived in a massive house with
loads of statues in the garden

and I thought,
"This guy's successful,

"and it's down to biscuits."

You went to his house?

You went to his house
for the meeting,

and it's a huge house with statues
in the garden? In the garden.

GRAYSON: Did he wear a top hat
and drive a Rolls-Royce as well?

Paul said, "Let's do a tasting,"

so this is where the empire
crumbles, if you like.

I got back and I explained
everything to my mum,

and, blow me, she couldn't find what
it was she did to make them bendy.

And she made several attempts.

They were getting
crumblier and crumblier.

I mean, she did one biscuit,
it was like sand, you know,

and I said, "It's going
in the wrong direction.

"We want to make it bendy."

JUDI: Tim, how long ago did
your stuff happen?

TIM: About two years ago.
JUDI: Oh.

I know you assumed he was a child,

but, no, that happened
in his adult life.

If you are telling the truth,

I'm going home to try and
make some bendy biscuits.

Well, it's this, Lee's nonsense
or OBE in a chip shop.

That's what we've got.

Oh, you're not even asking about me?

LAUGHTER

You've already gone
into summary mode!

OK, Lee, how did you
get Brother Paul drunk?

Well, I was trying to promote
my new Lee Mack's Rigid Rich Teas.

No, we were at a party.

Whose party was this?

This was a guy called Peter.

And he has a brother - and I know
you're going to laugh - called Paul.

This Paul.

I don't think anyone
was going to laugh, no.

LAUGHTER

And Paul is a monk.

What type of monk?

Oh, I don't know the type.

He was taking a vow of silence.
We didn't chat.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Now, you claim you got him drunk.
Under what circumstances?

Well, Paul had asked me...

At Peter's party, Paul asked you...
Peter's party...

We were picking pecks of
pickled pepper, and...

We went... He asked me
to get him a drink.

So he's let out for a special
day cos it's his brother's party.

Why is he not dressed as a monk now?

Cos it would be a bit of
a giveaway that it was...

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

So he asked you, who he'd
never met, to make him a drink?

Well, he didn't ask me to
MAKE him one,

he asked me to go and GET him
a drink. What did he drink?

Was it, like, Buckfast and
St Benedictine or something?

No, it was...

He doesn't drink, so he said,
"Just get me a soft drink."

And I went over to the table
and there was punch,

and there was also a mocktail
next door, in the bowl there.

And so I mixed up the two bowls.

And Paul was so innocent that
when he sort of first took a sip,

he didn't notice that it
was full of vodka.

You were fine to have one or two,
you wouldn't know,

but 26...

When he became drunk, I mean,

can you remember any
particular instance...?

Oh, he was a completely
different person. Really?

Oh, like that.

So what did he become?

"There isn't a god, you know."

Yeah.

"I'm just in here
for the free food."

How did he get on with his brother?
Were there any tensions

between him and his brother?
Well, there wasn't really tensions,

but Peter was an atheist.

Were they brought up as religious?

I don't think so, no. I think, erm...

So it wasn't a Catholic family?

No, Paul found his calling. Right.

How'd you know he was
Catholic, by the way?

Well, monks are usually Catholic.

Could be Buddhist.

Yes. Is he Buddhist?

No, he's Catholic.
LAUGHTER

I'm just saying, don't make
presumptions about things, David.

Gets you into trouble.
Do you remember? Yeah.

We sent you an email. Could be...

OK, but it was, in this case, Catholic.

And do you know the order?

"Just one mocktail, please."

All right, we need an answer.

So, David's team, is Paul
Cush's fast-food friend,

Tim's biscuit buddy or
Lee's hammered holy man?

We shouldn't judge him on his
appearance, but I would say

he looks more likely to be
someone that runs a chip shop

than an extremely
wealthy biscuit developer.

Just to be clear, David,
this is you NOT judging?

No, no, no.

Thank God you didn't judge him.
God knows what you'd have said.

Are you ruling out Lee?

Yes. Lee?

No, cos Lee said he's a monk.
That's right.

Well, he's not a monk. Look at him.

What is it about him
that's not monk-like?

Well, you know how monks have to
dress as monks the whole time?

That's part of the thing.

You didn't ask me whether
he was still a monk, did you?

Is he still a monk?

He was thrown out of being a monk...

...due to his heavy
consumption of alcohol.

What does he do now, Lee? This is
the bit that's going to throw you.

Does he run a chip shop?
He now runs a fish and chip shop.

Well, I've been to an investiture
at the palace, and they don't serve

any food, so it's believable,
I think.

DAVID: Yeah, it's unlikely
but believable.

And the other two, they seem...

...impossible.

LAUGHTER

So you think it's Cush
and the OBE story?

Paul, would you please
reveal your true identity?

I'm Paul, and Tim and I

tried to launch Bendy Biscuits.
GASPING AND APPLAUSE

Thank you, Paul.

Thanks so much for coming.
My pleasure.

Which brings us to our final round,
Quickfire Lies,

and we start with... It's...

...David.

CLEARS THROAT

I once went to the opera,
but found it so unbearable,

I spent the last hour secretly
listening to an audiobook.

Lee's team.

OK. What was the opera?

Erm, it was La Boheme.

I've seen La Boheme.
Can you tell me what it was about?

Is it set in Paris?

Go on.

LAUGHTER
But am I right?

Cos I don't want to carry on...

Erm, they were, like, in a room.

"In a room"?

And one of them dies,
I think, at the end.

Is this the La Boheme
that you know and love?

Don't know, I've never seen it. Erm...

Who'd taken you there?
Whose idea was it?

So a friend of mine called...
his name's Steven...

I don't know if you
believe that or not.

He'd arranged a group trip
to see this, and it was dark.

We were sitting still.

So did you pop your pods
in surreptitiously?

I think they were headphones
with a wire.

But if this was Steven's
idea, were you not worried

that this would look a bit rude
in front of Steven?

No, he's a good friend of mine.

Did you nudge him and say,
"You don't mind, do you?",

or did you just do it? No, I thought
that might put them off their

singing, and I didn't
want them to slow down.

LAUGHTER

Would you have had to take
the iPhone out, though, to get

onto that particular site?

It wasn't already on and loaded.

Yeah, I had to
furtively take it out.

Cush, if you're doing one of your
wonderful stage performances,

and you glance into the audience,
and you notice a sort of

figure there going, "Nye-ee-eeh..."

...fiddling in his pocket,
"nye-ee-eeh...

"..ohh, ehh... Ahh..."

Do you ever spot that sort of
thing happening in an audience?

I mean, I haven't seen someone take
the really long, white head...

...probably untangle them cos they
probably become quite tangled in

your pocket, in with the Werther's
Originals and stuff, and then...

DAVID: Werther's Originals.

LAUGHTER

All right, what are we thinking?

I...

I think it's true.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

It was a trick question.

I couldn't remember
who had said it.

Yeah, well, you've
got a lot to do, Rob.

To be fair, I didn't spot it either.

I was thinking, "I think she's
lying about the whole lot."

I had a 50-50 chance there
of getting it right.

I should have gone,
"So what do you think?"

So do we believe David
put his headphones in?

I think he's a polite chap,
and I think he'd put himself

through something he wasn't
enjoying, rather than do that,

so I think it's a lie.

Cush? It's a lie.

You think it's a lie? Yeah.
Think it's a lie?

Right, it's a lie.

So they think it's a lie, David.
Truth or lie?

It's a lie!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

We got one right.

Yes, it's a lie.

David didn't listen to an
audiobook at the opera.

Next...
HE CHUCKLES

...it's Tim.

Aside from Mr McKee, who taught PE,

three other teachers at my school
taught subjects that rhymed

with their surnames.

David's team.

OK, so Mr McKee taught PE.

Yes. Who else?

Er, Mr...
LEE COUGHS

Carry on. I'm genuinely
having a coughing fit.

Mr Kaths... Are you ready?

OK, I'm better now. Thank you.
Carry on, Tim.

Mr Kaths... Oh, good God.

Good God.

If you say "Mr Meography",
forget it.

Mr Kaths...

Mr Mesign-and-Technology.

Mr Kaths. K-A-T-H-S.

Mr Kaths. Yeah.

And Mr Hench. French.

Mr Hench, Mr Kaths and who else?

It was a little bit tenuous,
the third one.

It was a bit of a joke amongst us.

So it was Mr Haught taught sport.

JUDI: You got PE and sports?

TIM: Yeah, yeah, that's right, yeah.

Well, PE was something that
happened in lesson time

and then sports was something
that we did, obviously,

round about four o'clock.
What did Mr Haught teach?

It might have been what was
called loosely, then, science,

so it would have been, you know...

Surely that was Mr Brience. No.

Did you have any at your school,
Lee, whose...?

Er, just the headmaster, Mr Morstal.

Well, what do you think, Judi?

I don't know, he's always got
this face that makes you feel

like he's telling the truth.

Like, just the most simplest things
and you'll be, like...

He's got a simple face, I agree.

What we've got to imagine,
it's not true,

and what Tim has had to do is turn
over the card and quickly-ish

make up three rhyming
names of teachers.

Do we believe he could have
come up with that? Yes.

GRAYSON: Yes, he's a
very quick person.

Yeah. What would you
have come up with?

Give me four teachers whose names
at your school rhymed with subject.

Go. Mr Starmer.

He teaches drama. He did drama.

Mrs Panish.

Oh, yeah. Mr...
LAUGHTER

Mr Bleak taught Greek. Yeah.

Mr Grat-ahn taught Lat-ahn. Yeah.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

This is fun, isn't it?

Yeah, let's just do this!

Yeah, yeah.

So what's it going to be, David?

Just one more question, Tim.

Can you name a teacher
whose name DIDN'T rhyme

with the subject they taught? Ah!

Er, yeah, Mr... Schwartz,
and he was...

He could have done sports!

No, Sch...

LAUGHTER

Do you know, we'd have taken
Schwartz and sports.

Come on, it's time to decide.

ALL: Lie.

LAUGHTER

All right, Tim,
they think it's a lie.

Was it, or was that the truth?

Er, it was actually...

...a lie.

It's a lie. They were not
the names of Tim's teachers.

BUZZER

Well, that noise signals time is up.
It's the end of the show.

I can reveal that David's team
have two points

and Lee's team have four.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Thanks for watching.
We'll see you next time. Goodnight.