18x03 - Episode 3

[bunniefuu]

Good evening and welcome to
"Would I Lie To You?".

The show where dishonesty
is sometimes the best policy.

On Lee Mack's team tonight -

stand-up comedian making his return,

it's Ivo Graham.

And a gold medal-winning Paralympian.

It's Kadeena Cox.

And on David Mitchell's
team tonight -

joining us for the first time, it's
stand-up comedian Harriet Kemsley.

And a multi-award-winning star
of stage and screen.

It's Eddie Marsan.

We begin with round one,
Home Truths,

where our panellists read out a statement

from the card in front of them.
To make things harder,

they've never seen the card before.

They've got no idea
what they'll be faced with.

It's up to the opposing team to sort
the fact from the fiction,

and Ivo is first up tonight.

I once organised a stag do,
but my poor admin skills meant

I couldn't join in with all the fun.

David's team.

We need some details, please.

Uh, it was my friend Ed's stag do.

Ed? OK. Is it Eddie, Edwin or Edgar?

Uh... It's Ed. Um...

And, uh, he was getting
married to Harriet, and...

And the stripper was called David.

What were you organising for it?

He was keen to go canal boating.
Barging?

Uh, well, we were very keen to get
to the boat, for sure, but...

You're welcome.

This is the most middle class
double act I've ever seen.

It was undeniably quite a posh stag.
Was it? Yeah, I'm afraid so.

Um... There were... There were more
surnames than people on the boat.

So I booked a boat
on the Grand Union Canal.

And the maximum capacity
for the boat was 12

and we were a group of 13.

I didn't want to tell my friend
about it, because I didn't want

to reveal that I'd made a big admin
error in the organisation

of the stag. OK, so what happened?

As soon as we got on the boat,
the person said,

"How many of you are there?"

And my friend Ed, whose stag do
it was, said, "13."

Fell apart quite quickly.

Yeah. So what happened then?

I had to disembark the Black Pearl.

I hope that's not a euphemism!

And then after you've done
that, did he let you in?

You had to get off the boat?

We took it in turns to be the person
walking along the towpath

next to the canal.

Because it was my error,

I did the lion's share of
the towpath walking while trying

to join in with banter that was
happening on water

about three or four metres away.
This is a canal boat?

Yes. So it's largely indoors.

Uh... some of the party were indoors

and, yes, keeping up with their
banter was nigh on impossible.

Yeah. I mean, I would say a canal
boat is mainly indoors.

I think the misundersta...
You're thinking of a sort of

barge where there's only enough
room at one end for Rosie and Jim,

aren't you? Yes.

Rob, Rob, no, he's not thinking of
a barge.

He's thinking of a narrow boat.

Well, I'm thinking of the sort
of boat

they have on the Grand Union Canal.
Right. Right.

Certainly there are wider canals
in France, which certainly

have things I would describe
as a barge on them.

Well, this is the kind of lively
debate we have here on...

...on the BBC's World Of Boats.

If you've been affected by any of
the issues raised...

...do get in touch.

All right. So, the boating...
The easiest way through this

is just Ivo simply describes
the boat.

You know, I'm aware that
I've drifted through, in many ways,

my whole life on a sea
of complacency and entitlement.

But you can see why I should feel
comfortable referring to a boat

in a canal as a "canal boat".

I was barely on it
for a few minutes.

Can I just say, if you were on
a sea of complacency,

probably a barge.

Has there been other stag dos where
you've done bad admin?

On one other stag do recently,

I ordered too many LRBs for the
group... What are LRBs?

The London Review of Books.

The... the... the stag was a big fan
of the London Review of Books

newspaper, so I thought, in tribute
to him, I would get everyone a copy

for the weekend.
But, unfortunately, quite a lot

of members of the group had already
brought their own copy.

So what are your team going to say?

I did believe it and then I didn't.

Yeah, I'm on that too.

Well, we think maybe lie? I think a
lie. Shall we go lie? Yes, lie.

I think it was quite a plausible
scenario, but I don't...

I'm not buying it.

All right. Ivo, was that a lie,
or was it actually the truth?

Well, somehow, more depressingly...

...it's true.

It's true!

Ivo couldn't join the fun
on a stag do.

Harriet, you're next.

Once, while camping, I lost my tent,
then took desperate measures

to find somewhere else to stay.

Right. Lee's team.
Define "desperate measures".

h*-h*!

That was that was said like
a lawyer in an LA movie.

Where are we, Harriet? Newquay.

Newquay. Oh, in lovely Cornwall.
When was this?

It was when I was 17, which is...

Is it written up there?

So the 2000... Early 2000s.

So you're in a campsite.
Who are you with?

Two girls. What are they called?

Their names were Sam and Susan.

How many tents have you got?

One tent. Between the three of you?

Yes. Is it a three-woman tent?

No. Two-man. Come on.

#EverydaySexism.

So it's a two-man tent?

Yes. But you were trying to
squash in?

Yes. Right. How irresponsible!

You should never exceed the
recommended capacity of any domain.

We went to put it up, and then
we realised

we didn't know how to put up a tent.

So then we went to go get some food
to have energy to make the tent.

But then... Well, then, you weren't
lacking in energy,

you were lacking in knowledge!

Then I came... We came back.

Yes. But then the tent was gone.

So now we have nowhere to stay
because we didn't have any

money as well... Whoa, whoa, whoa.

What do you mean you've got no
money? You're on holiday.

Well, no, because we were only
going for, like, one night.

And then we saw a sign.
And it said?

"Bikini Beach Babe competition."

The prize was £100,

and so Susan said... Sorry, hang on,
can I just check something? Yes.

Did this happen, or did you watch
a Carry On film?

So you've now decided this is
your way to get some money. Yes.

Then the guy came out and then
he was like,

"There's only one other entrant."

So our odds were... What a charmer
he was! What a charmer!

"You might win this because there's
only one other girl in it."

Then we go in and we're a bit nervous,

but then we meet the other entrant...

She's a professional.

A professional what?

She could be a lady of the night.
She could be a plumber.

What is she a professional at?

She's a professional beach babe.

We're not even semi-professional.

But our odds are good because
there's three of us...

There's three of you and one of her.

So, it's about to begin.

There's a crowd of men,
and they're all...

They're all cheering.
Is it just men?

It's just men. Oh... Yes.

What were the men...
What were the look on their face?

See David's look on his face then?

Is it that sort of look?

No. That's panic.

And that was MY look.
That was what I had.

Sheer panic, yes.
Could you teach David to...

...to give the face of the look
that the men were giving?

Like...

Like...

So, David, give it... Yes!

I'm getting flashbacks.

Did you do a catwalk type thing?

Yeah, yeah, a little bit of catwalk.

Yeah, a little catwalk.

Um, but the professional,
she had a chair.

Oh, like Flashdance.
She bought her own chair. Yeah.

A dancing... A chair to dance... Not...

She didn't just sit there and say,

"I'm a professional, I haven't got
time for this.

"I'll just... I'll sit there.
Judge me.

"100 quid. I'm off.

"It's Penzance tomorrow."

Can we ask now who won?

Well... The professional?
The professional, yes. OK.

Then we had to find somewhere
to stay.

But we didn't have a tent, so...

So in many ways, the situation
is unchanged.

So then a guy came.

He was like, "Oh, you can stay
in my van."

Oh, my God.

Then we slept for a bit.

So why didn't you sleep in your car?

Yes. LEE: Good question.

It was more... There was more space
than... I had a Renault Clio.

And so we could have a proper sleep. Yeah.

So has it finished or did
anything else happen?

Then we had a lovely day
in Newquay, and then I drove back.

And that's it?

Yeah. On the way back...

...I was driving and then I was like,

"Oh, that's cr... There's a stag in
the road!"

And then... Wasn't his lot, was it?

Susan said, "I can't see a stag."

And I'd imagined a stag.

Whoa, what... what do you mean?
And I can't...

I don't think in the history of
this show

has an added bit ever been
more worthless.

"Oh, and one more thing!

"I thought I saw a stag,
but I didn't."

So what do we think?
"You can have that as a bonus."

Right, Kadeena, what do
you make of it?

I think it's a lie.
You're not having it? No.

What about you, Ivo?

I've had a lovely time.

But I think it's a lie.

Lee Mack?

To have invented a story
like that... Yeah.

...would require genius...

...so I think it's true.

But I'm all about democracy,
so I will go with my team.

OK. They think it's a lie,
Harriet. Was it? Or was it true?

It is...

...true.

It's true! Harriet DID take desperate
measures when she lost her tent.

Our next round is called This Is My

where we bring on a mystery guest
who has a close connection to one

of our panellists.

This week, each of Lee's
team will claim it's them

that has the genuine connection
to the guest.

It's up to David's team to spot
who's telling the truth.

So, please welcome this week's
special guest, Andrew.

So, Ivo, what is Andrew to you?

This is Andrew.

He's the decorator that
I had to hose down in my parents'

garden after he tipped five litres
of paint over his own head.

Right. Kadeena,
how do you know Andrew?

This is Andrew.

I gave him a medal for winning
a race running on all fours.

Right.

And finally, Lee, what is
your relationship with Andrew?

This is Andrew.

And for the past eight years,
I've been making him hang on

to a celebrity's loo seat
on the off-chance

they come on this show.

So there we have it.

David's team, where will you begin?

OK. Ivo,

he's a decorator. Mm.
What was he doing?

He was painting the wall
of the house.

The outside wall?
The outside wall.

And what happened?

His pot of paint was at the top
of the ladder

and as he descended the ladder,
it wobbled

and the... and the paint fell on him.

And where are we, Ivo?

We're at my parents' house.

And what sort of house are
we talking about?

I only ask because I'm wondering
if you had a great start in life.

Er, I... My parents live in a nice
house and I enjoyed it very much

for the first seven years
of my life,

and then I went to boarding school.

And how was that, Ivo?

I don't think we've got
time for the full...

...unpacking of every
repressed memory.

So how old were you at this point?

I was a teenager, I think.

So it was during the school
holidays? Yes.

You were briefly allowed back? Yes.

But your parents were out? Yes.

"No need to hang around,
he's here now."

You tell us the story in your
own words. Right.

Uh, well, I was minding my own
business at... at home in the

holidays while some labour was
taking place in a different wing.

Andrew rang the bell, uh,
and I came out to the garden.

He told me to hose him,
and I did, and I considered

it a fantastic opportunity.

In what way, a fantastic
opportunity?

How often do you get to hose
someone down?

My parents were always very
strict with the hose.

And what colour was the paint,
by the way?

White.

What kind of white?

They have names now, don't they?

Like Horse Breath or
Vicar's Regret or...

It was Milkman's Shame.

Describe your hosing technique.

Uh, I put my thumb over the end
of half of the hose to make a...

You didn't have one of those nice
attachments? No.

In many ways, it's been a life
of great deprivation.

You'd need a hard... a hard hose.

I've got covered in paint
many times.

Is this another one of your
competitions?

Why didn't he hose himself?

Uh, well, I think he very, um,
kindly and, uh, sort of realised

that it would be fun for me. Uh...

Is that your genuine answer
to that question?

I can see where all the paint is.
That's true.

And how old were you at this point?
I was in my mid-teens.

And how tall were you at this point?

Uh, a little bit less tall
than I am now.

Because otherwise
you'd have to spray up,

and then it wouldn't make sense.

Uh, no, I think that's...

I think that's probably
all right as well.

My concern at this point, Ivo,
is that you're displaying

consternation for being disbelieved
about things that are possible.

You're sort of thinking,
"This nonsense I'm telling,

"I thought I'd be picked
up on totally different elements.

"Not the hosing height,"
you're thinking. No, no.

You want to be disbelieved
for the most disbelievable bits,

not the bits that are actually
possible. Is that true?

I... Well... I do... I do respect
that you've got a certain degree

of status and experience on
this show,

but you can't tell us
what we're thinking all of the time.

All right.
Who would you like to quiz next?

Kadeena... so what medal did you give
Andrew?

Fill us in on that.
I gave him the first-place medal.

And what was the race?

So it was a four-legged race.
Right. And at what sort of an event?

So it was an event... for dogs.

It was a fundraising event.

I'll tell you what, he's very well
trained, isn't he?

It was at a fundraising event
for dogs.

All right. How far did they have
to race on all fours?

It was 100m. Oh, that's a long way.

I know, it's grim.
Ooh, that's a long way!

Were there any other events
or was it just the 100m

four-legged race?

So there was, like, loads of,
like, random little bits.

There was, like, you know, like,
dog hurdles, like...

...like a obstacle course.
For dogs now, this time?

So there was, like, a human
version and a dog version.

What, did you have to judge it?

So I was just giving out the medals.

Um, so, like... It's a race.

You don't have to judge it.

Ah. It's just who... It's literally
who gets to the end first.

But did you not notice that Kadeena
said there were lots of events?

Oh, right. Don't you think that
possibly, David -

possibly... Yes?

...there could have been some events
of artistic expression or something

that didn't come down to the
hard and fast clock?

OK. Yes, there could have been.
You're quite right.

Thank you. Would you like to like
to apologise? I'm very sorry.

Thank you, David. To all of us.

No, I'm not...

I'm not sorry to you, Ivo,
because I think on some level,

this does you some good.

So, Kadeena, how long did it take
Andrew to do the 100m on all fours?


Usain Bolt does 9.67 seconds...

Is that on all fours or...?
But, like, running.

Oh. Oh, yeah.

And did you say you gave
one of YOUR medals?

Oh, no! No? No.

I thought it was just as a bit
of fun, as a joke...

He got an Amazon medal.

He got a what medal?
Amazon finest.

Oh, like when you buy a plastic
one on Amazon?

That... Yeah. All right.

OK... Obviously other retail-crushing
global giants are available.

Except they're not, are they?
It's a virtual monopoly.

OK, so, Lee. Remind us, Lee,
of what you're claiming.

This is Andrew,

and I made him keep hold
of a celebrity's loo seat

for eight years on the off-chance
they came on this show.

Which celebrity?

Uh, it was Beyonce.

Sorry, not Beyonce. The other one...

Um, Mark Lawrenson.

He's a commentator, isn't he?

He used to play for Liverpool
and he was a pundit

for Match Of The Day... Yeah.
...about five or six years ago.

Yeah. So how did Mark Lawrenson
get hold of Andrew's loo seat?

No.

How did Andrew get hold of
Mark Lawrenson's loo seat? Yes.

Good question.

Well, it came free as an extra bonus
with the other thing that he bought

off Mark Lawrenson.

A house? Correct. Ah.

OK. So Andrew bought
Mark Lawrenson's house...

I know.

He said he's doing his renovation.

He said, "Oh, I'm getting
rid of this..."

Just as a jovial thing to say...
He was holding it?

"This was Mark Lawrenson's loo seat
and I'm getting rid of it!"

Who's holding...?
He was holding the loo seat?

He was miming it, I think,
at the time. Oh, he was miming it.

He was miming it. He mimed the loo
seat? When he... When he talked

to you about his house renovations,

he said, "I'm getting rid
of Mark Lawrenson's loo seat,"

and he did a little mime?
To be fair,

it might be that that was my
interpretation of what happened

at the time. OK.
Yes. But then you said,

"Hold on to it because I might see
him and give it back"?

No. What were we eight years ago?
Series ten?

You know, on this show,
if anything happens,

you grab it with both hands.
Yes. Yeah.

So if he comes on this show,
I can say,

"This is Mark Lawrenson's loo seat,"
as a possession.

But then he'll come on the show,
and then you'll just go,

"Oh, this is your loo seat."
And what would he say?

"Oh, yeah."
What do you mean, "Oh, yeah"?

Are you telling me if I...

If I got out a loo seat now,
you'd recognise it as yours?

Yeah. It depends.
Is it distinctive in any way?

Nothing at all. Apart from the
red and the "LFC"

and the, "This is
Mark Lawrenson's loo seat," nothing!

How do you know Andrew?

He's a relative.

Can you be more specific?

Yeah, he's my great-grandmother.

He is my cousin.

What year was this that he bought
Mark Lawrenson's house?

Oh, I'm going to say ten years ago.

You said eight before.

No, I didn't. I said he's been
hanging on to the loo seat

for eight years. He didn't do the
renovation for the first two years.

Next question. But he would have had
it for the two years.

He still would've had it.

If this is true... Yeah?

...will we get to see the loo seat?

I don't do the admin.

The loo seat...

Just out of... Out of... Yes.

If that's what you want to hear,
David, yes.

All right. We need an answer.

So, David's team, is Andrew
Ivo's painted pal,

Kadeena's fast friend,

or Lee's seat steward?

I think it's Kadeena.

It does... On the surface,
that feels like the story

that has the fewest holes in it.
I think so.

And I think... Yeah.

My toilet seats got no holes.

It just comes out and sort of...

It comes with a free mop!

Shall we go with Kadeena?

Kadeena. Kadeena? Kadeena, yeah.

We'll go with Kadeena.
You're going to say that it's Kadeena

and the dog event.

Andrew, would you please
reveal your true identity?

I'm Andrew and Lee made me
keep hold of a toi...

Oh, hello, man! I didn't think you
were going to come out here, man!

Yes, Andrew IS Lee's seat steward.

And what's more...

Thank you very much, Andrew.

I can't wait for
Mark Lawrenson to watch this.

Which brings us to our final round -
Quickfire Lies - and we start with...

It's Eddie.

I once humiliated myself
while trying to impress my in-laws.

Lee's team. When was this?

The first evening I met them.


trying to do to impress them?

I was trying to make a cup of tea.

"Trying"? To impress them? Yes!

Had you offered to make everyone
a cup of tea? Yes.

What, in their house?
Yes, in their house.

Ah, you see, straight away I go...

See, I know... Yes...
...that's weird.

"Can I make you all a cup of tea?"

"Well, no, you can't.
It's my house."

So you've gone to make the tea? Yes.

Have you done all the milk, sugar,
all that? Yes, I've done all that.

I've asked all the right questions.

You've done all the admin. "I've
asked all the right questions"!

You've gone in the other room... Yes.

...what the hell went wrong, Eddie?

I put the kettle on the hob, and I
turned the hob on, and I could...

Then I could smell plastic burning.

So you put an electric kettle...?

Yes, because they... Why?
I had the stove-top version

and they had the electric version.
Oh, no.

So I put that on there and then
turned it on and it...

...and it melted.

So what did you do?

My wife - my girlfriend, she was
my girlfriend at the time -

came in and just chucked
it under the tap.

You hadn't even thought
to do that yourself?

I was just... I'm not very practical.

You were just stood there
looking at the melting plastic?

It's not easy...
"When does it whistle?"

And it's all dripping down.

"It's weird, that kettle, it's
getting smaller and smaller."

And then what happens?

When do the parents...
Do they find out about it?

Well, my father-in-law kept it.

Kept the kettle? Kept the kettle.

Why?

Because when we got married,
he had to make a speech

and brought out the kettle.

Were you planning to marry
Mark Lawrenson?

That's good. He immediately thought,
"This guy could marry my daughter."

Unless he put it in the cupboard -
when he opened it,

loads of props fell out.

"Another one. Another idiot!"

So what's it going to be, then?
Kadeena?

I think the detail in it
makes it seem quite real.

And the fact that he said he
brought it out on the wedding day.

That's the bit, isn't it? He's got a
good imagination if this isn't true.

Mm, I think it's true. True. OK.

They think it's true.

Eddie, was it true or was it a lie?

It was...

...true.

It's true. Eddie DID humiliate
himself at his in-laws.

Next...

It's... David.

Recently, I amused myself
in the bath by making a face

on my kneecap out of bubbles
and talking to it for five minutes.

Lee's team.

True.

Yeah.

OK, so which knee?

My left knee.

What were you talking
to your knee about?

I had a lot of emails to get
through at that point.

It had slightly got on top of me. Right.

And I was in the bath, and I put
some bubbles in because I had a bit

of a bad back, and I sort of felt
that would be soothing.

I don't usually use bubbles.
What do you usually use?

I just... Just water. Really? Yeah.

No salts or anything?

No. Not usually, no. No salts.
Just water?

Bit of pepper... Just water?

...and a few tomatoes bobbing around.

I think a bath at your age,

without anything to turn the water

not see-through...

...is... is a rather
soul-destroying experience.

Well, you know, that's why
I wear my trunks.

Anyway, do... do continue. OK.

I sort of noticed that the bubbles
were falling in sort of shapes

on my knee, in a way. Right.

And in my distracted state, I...

I sort of sculpted the bubbly
shapes into a little face.

Rather an authoritative face.

Did you give your knee face a name?

No, but I thought of it
as a senior military figure.

And you then ascribed it a voice?

Well, just mine, but a bit
gruffer, you know.

How's that sound? Could you do it?

Just... come on.

"Come on"? "Come on"?
What are you doing?

"Just got to get through it."

"Come on." Get through what?

"Keep soldiering on."

The emails, Lee!

I was discussing the email
crisis with the knee face.

What don't you understand?

And is anyone in the house but you?

My wife.

What would she think if she could
hear unfamiliar sounds

coming from the bathroom?

"Come on, just do it! Do it!

"Just deal with it!

"Get on with it and do it!"

Were you tempted to make
your other knee a character?

Er... Or the fella in the middle?

The angry worm. He already IS one!

OK, let's move on here.

So, Ivo, what are you thinking?

I think it's true.

And I'm embarrassed to say
I'm probably going to do it myself

in a moment of stress.

Kadeena? I feel like a
stressed-out David

could have a whole conversation
with his knee.

I think it might be true.

OK, so they think it's true.

David, was it true or was it a lie?

It was, in fact...

...a lie.

It's a lie.

David didn't make a face
out of bubbles.

That noise signals time is up.
It's the end of the show.

And I can reveal that Lee's team
has won by three points to two.

Thanks for watching.
We'll see you next time.

Goodnight.