17x10 - Episode 10

[bunniefuu]

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

Good evening and welcome to a very
special edition of previously

unseen clips from Series 17 of
"Would I Lie To You?"

Joining David Mitchell tonight -
Alex Jones, Will Mellor,

Naga Munchetty, Romesh Ranganathan,

Gabby Logan, Jessica Hynes,

Victoria Coren Mitchell,
Jack Carroll,

Craig Charles and Frankie Boyle.

And joining Lee Mack tonight -
Mo Gilligan,

Su Pollard... Thank you!

..Jeremy Vine, Bridget Christie,

Charlene White, Wilfred Webster,

Gina Yashere, Melvyn Hayes,

Sam Campbell and Chris McCausland.

And we begin with Round 1,
Home Truths, where our panellists

read out a statement from the card
in front of them.

To make things harder,
they've never seen the card before,

they've no idea what they'll
be faced with.

It's up to the opposing team to sort
the fact from the fiction.

Alex is first up tonight.

Right.

After a wild party to celebrate
our 2,000th episode,

I slept the night on
the One Show sofa.

Lee's team. Oh! When did The One
Show start? What year?

I don't know. Oh.

Are you like the Khmer Rouge,

nothing existed before
you turned up?

Did anybody join you? Oh, hello!

And slept there? Yeah, the sleeping
bit, but...

Su Pollard! I can't tell you that.
Nothing like that, no!

I was just wondering if they
wanted to keep you company,

in case you forgot to wake up for

the next edition of it. Yeah.
No, well,

so I'll tell you what it is.
I'm a bit out of practice. Oh.

I was excellent at drinking before
I had the children.

Right. But since the children,
I'm not as good.

Right. So actually I'd fallen asleep
at the end of the party,

everybody was still milling around,
they just put a blanket over me

and left me there.
Paint a picture for us, Alex.

Who else was there? I'm imagining it
was a starry affair.

No, no. Oh.

Well, you can't invite one guest
without all of them.

Can you imagine how many people
would have been there, Rob?

Over ten.

LAUGHTER

There have been 2,000 episodes,

and there's how many guests per
episode? Oh, well, three or four.

Three or four. I mean, it varies.
So that's like 8,000 guests, of whom

1,500 are Gyles Brandreth. Yeah.

LAUGHTER

What time did you wake up
the following morning? Oh, early.

6.30, 7. And, I mean, what went
through your mind?

Oh, beside myself!

There was two of you there?
They'd taken my shoes off.

LAUGHTER

Some people, don't they,
they employ staff?

What about your PR or somebody
like that, that would understand?

PA. Yeah, PA. I don't know.
I haven't got a personal person.

Have you got a personal person?
You will have.

I mean, you're a national treasure.
Oh, yes. I've got six

but they haven't lasted long.
Do you get through them?

Yeah. Why? I pay them too much.

Oh. I don't think your PA could ever
be paid too much. Well...

Do you want to come outside?
No, no, carry on.

No, I just give it...

It just seems a bit unfair,
Alex. Mm.

What do you think, Chris? Does this
smack of the truth for you?

I think there's
a lot of truth in this.

You've probably nodded off in
the corner

while Gyles just continued
with his stories.

It's always nice to have a little
insight into these exclusive

show-business parties and I'm
wondering about in the heyday

of "Hi-de-Hi!", I bet there were a
few shenanigans and parties, then.

Oh, yes. There were several wrong
chalet entries.

What a very delicate way of
expressing it.

Anyway, what do we think?
Well, I don't...

Oh! What do you think?

I'm not being funny, this is
really hard.

Um, are you looking at my cherry?
No, I'm just thinking...

You are such a...! Oh, it's
a cherry! Sorry, I thought

you were doing an impression of
Isaac Newton.

Um... Oh, with the arrow.
Who's got the arrow?

Have you got it hidden away?
No, that was William Tell.

Oh, dear.

Truth or a lie? Yeah, go on, then.
What do you mean, "Go on, then"?

Well, you do it.

So Chris thinks it's true.
I think it's true.

And, Su, you think it's...?
I'm going to say it's true.

OK, well, my team think it's true.

All right. They think it's true.

Alex, falling asleep on The
One Show's sofa, true or a lie?

Oh, Rob, I'm better than that,
come on.

It's a lie!

Mo, you're next.

OK. While I was working as a waiter
at a wedding, the bride made me

do the first dance with her because
the groom was too nervous to do it.

Aw. David's team. Wow.

So when was this?

This would have been in 2012.

And what sort of an occasion was it?

Er, occasion... It was a wedding.

No, I mean...

What was the venue?

It was just like a county hall
in Surrey.

And how did this come up?
What did she say to you?

Well, she was like, "Do you fancy
a dance?"

I was like, "I don't really know
if I can dance on the job."

Do you know what I mean? As opposed
to, "I don't think it's appropriate,

"you're the bride"?

"Do you want to sleep with me?"
"Oh, I'm not allowed off till ten."

No, not like that because I remember
just being like, "I don't know

"if I can," cos I didn't want to get
in trouble. Right.

Where was the husband?
He was on the dance floor.

I don't know what he was doing,
but... Well, if he was on
the dance floor,

he's unlikely to be too nervous to
do the first dance,

and, indeed, that opportunity has
gone, cos he's already dancing.

Everyone's dancing, but they hadn't
announced that they were going to do
the first dance yet,

if that makes sense, yeah. So the
first dance wasn't the first dance?

No, it was a Caribbean wedding.

We don't dance straight away,
we take our time.

Everybody kind of warms up.
Build-up dancing?

And then someone will get on the mic
and be like, "Hear me now,

"it's time for the first dance,
everybody come to the dance floor."

And that's when it's really, like,
the first dance. OK.

So you didn't dance with her? No,
I did. I did afterwards. You did?

Yes, yes. And how did the husband
respond?

He was all right. He was OK.

It wasn't like a dance-dance,
it was just like, you know,

like spinning someone around.
It wasn't a bump and grind,

it wasn't one of those? No, no,
no, no.

You can't be twerking the bride at
her wedding. Just like...

But was it like you and her and it
was THE first dance?

The official first dance?
Yeah, yeah.

It was the first dance. We're doing
all this stuff together,

get a little circle around us
and stuff.

And is the husband looking more
at her or more at you?

Can I just ask, why, if the wedding
is in Surrey,

are you coming out from London
as a waiter?

Well, I used to work for the company
that, like, distributes
the weddings.

That's the only bit that doesn't
ring true to me.

Why don't they just use local
waiters? What doesn't ring true to

me more than the local waiters
issue is

the fact that the bride asked
a waiter to dance with her.

What's wrong with that?

Which is an act of public
humiliation for her new husband

that I can barely credit.

I'm wondering about your own
wedding

if Victoria had chosen one of the
waiters for the first dance there.

I... If this had happened at your
wedding

and you think, "Not long now."
And then you look...

I mean, "Not long now till
I have my first dance."

And you look around, "Hang on
a minute,

"she's dancing with a waiter."
How would you have responded?

It would be awful, though, wouldn't
it, Rob? Yes. How would you feel,

you know, at either of your
weddings?

AUDIENCE: Ooooh!

Wow.

Wow. That's the sort of thing
I expect from him. That's excellent.

What are we thinking, then?

First of all, Abby, what do you
think?

See, I don't think it is true
because why wouldn't

she just choose one of her friends
that she's more comfortable with?

Correct. Maybe everyone hated her.

No waiters in the local area
would work for her.

So you're going to say...? I think
we think it's a lie, and do you
know what?

I hope it's a lie. Right, Mo, were
you telling the truth

or were you telling a lie?

I can reveal that it
is actually

a lie.

Jack, you're next.

I once frightened a national
treasure

while playing my favourite prank.

Oh! Lee's team. OK, well, shall we
start with the national treasure?

It was none other than
Sir Ian McKellen.

Oh, OK.
SMATTERING OF OOHS

Right. When was this? A few oohs,

but Sir Ian might have hoped
for more.

It was 2015 or 2016.

How old would you have been, then?

17, 16, something like that.
So 17 years of age

and we have to ask, I suppose,
favourite prank?

Yeah. Well, um, for the benefit
of the viewer at home,

I have cerebral palsy.

Er, got to get that in,
because, you know,

they've got quotas to fill.

LAUGHTER

Don't worry, we've got Rob,
he's Welsh.

A by-product of that, I use
a walking frame

and my walking frame has
got a seat on it,

so I like to put the seat down

and lift my legs up in the air,

going down a ramp and pretend
I've lost control of it.

Oh, I hope this is true.

Where were you?

I was at the Royal Academy
at an art exhibit.

Which one? Er...

Nice.

It was a David Hockney exhibition.

OK, and you like him?
Yes, very much so.

Which is your favourite David
Hockney? Oh, hello.

Er... The Swimming Pool, you told me
earlier on. Yeah.

APPLAUSE

There you go.

Was Ian McKellen, Sir Ian,
was he walking into the event?

So, yeah, so this is the problem,
that I sometimes do it

when people are facing away from me,
as well as when they're facing me.

Yes. So I didn't know at the time
I set off that it was

Ian McKellen in front of me.

So if he was facing away from you,
and he can't see you coming

towards him, is that still funny
if you go...?

To me, it is.

So you're going to go into the back
of somebody, an old man.

But...

I never actually hit anybody.

I always stop before the point
of contact.

But he can't see you, so what
have you achieved?

I'm assuming he hears you.

Yes, I mean, his hearing's still
intact, if that's what you...

It's what? Intact, his hearing.
I know.

It was a joke.
I'm so sorry.

But he kind of just went, "Ah!"
in a very Shakespearean fashion.

He said, "You shall not pass."

It's a reference, you see, from
the film.

At which point I bailed out
of the manoeuvre, as I always do.

By what? Just simply putting your
legs down?

Yep. But it must carry on a bit
with the kinetic energy.

You must, like, go towards him?
Oh, yeah, you've got to...

It's like landing a plane.

I'm not, you know... I'm not putting
people in danger here,

I'm a professional stunt driver.

Did you actually say to him,
"Look, just so you know, this is
just a practical joke I do"?

Did you let on?
Oh, no, I must never divulge.

You must never divulge? No.

Apart from on national television.

Right, what are we thinking?
Um, true.

There we are, flesh it out a bit.

Wow. What do you think, Lee?

You think he's telling
the truth? True.

Jack, this prank you like to
pull, truth or lie?

It is...

Sorry, Gandalf.

..true.

Wilfred, you're up next.

I have a four-letter word
tattooed on the inside of my lip.

Inside of your lip?

Ooh. Yeah. What's the word?

What would you like it to be?

Sorry, do you take requests for
a tattoo?

What do you think it is?
What I think is that you need

to tell me what it is.

It's YOLO. Sorry? YOLO.

YOLO? YOLO. Yes.

Do you know what YOLO is, David?
No, I don't.

You only live once. Ah! Which I've
got to say, as a Hindu,

I find incredibly offensive.

I apologise. I'll get my lip cut
off, for you.

Is that strictly a four-letter
word? That's an acronym, isn't it?

It's an acronym that has been used
so much that it's now become...

Become a word. Is it in the English
dictionary? Yes, it is, yeah.

OK, so top lip or bottom lip?

Bottom lip. Can I ask you
a question, Wilfred? Yeah, go on.

Why in God's name did you do this?

So basically I was 18 and I got
another tattoo,

and at the same time, the tattooist
was like,

"Can I tattoo a four-letter word on
your toes?"

Have you only got four toes?

No, but he said he wanted to do
a four-letter word on my toes.

He didn't know any five-letter ones,
did he? No, no, no, no.

And I said, "I don't want them on
the toes

"because people can see it."
Do you know how else people wouldn't
see it? Don't have it done.

I wanted to do it because I was just
a bit of an idiot,

so I was like, "Yeah, let's do it."

And then I couldn't think of what
would fit in my mouth.

So I was like...

On a scale of one to ten, with
one being a tickle

and ten being agony, where was it?

About a six, seven. Is that all?
Yeah.

There's no way it's a six,
on the inside of your lip.

Yeah, you'd be really, really
surprised.

All it does... I will not be
surprised. There's no way I would
ever do that.

They get the needle and after every
line, you burst some blood

so you have to swash your mouth
out, and...

Urgh, that's... Why, Wilfred, why?

Don't know. Cos YOLO, man!
Exactly, YOLO!

All right, let's go for a guess
at this, then. Romesh?

YOLO I get, but I just think it's
so incredibly painful.

I just can't buy him doing it.
I believe him.

Yeah. We're going to say it's true.

Say it's true? Wilfred,
they think it's true.

Is it true or is it a lie?

It's, in fact, true.

Let's see it, let's see it!

Wow.

Craig, you're next.

For ten years I kept a terrible

secret from my sister-in-law
after an incident at Glastonbury.

Lee's team.
Did you say after an incident?

Yeah. A terrible secret.
Mm.

Something happened.
What was it?

That's the worst recap
I've ever heard.

I mean, something's missing, right?

OK, who was at Glastonbury?

Oh, I went with my wife,
my sister-in-law, her husband

and a big group of us. We do it
every year. OK.

Does the incident, as I suspect,
involve your sister-in-law's

husband? No, wait, that's your
brother.

Is it? No.

Hang on. Your sister-in-law...

Hey, Jeremy, Jeremy, you used to
work on Newsnight, didn't you?

My sister-in-law
is my wife's sister.

Your wife's sister. Yeah.

You see, Rob? You see the purpose of
the question there? No.

We got to the truth.

So what was the incident?

Um, she drank a bottle of my wee.

Oh, no!

Well, hang on, was she very drunk?
No.

Well, what...? What...? Wow...
Whoa, whoa.

Tell us what happened.

It was Glastonbury and it was
raining cats and dogs outside.

We're in the tent, I'm dying to go
to the toilet, and I thought,

"I'm not going to those Glastonbury
loos

"and I'm not getting out in
the rain."

And, you know, remember those
bottles of vitamin water

that used to come in all different
flavours and different colours?

Well, they had quite wide necks
and quite, you know, nice bottles.

However...

Thought I'd get that bit in.
Yeah. So...

When you said you've got to
get that bit in...?

So I thought, "I'll have a wee in
the bottle." Put the top

back on and threw it in the corner
of the tent, thinking

I'll, you know, dispose of it
in the morning.

So, anyway, the next morning,
my sister-in-law comes along,

opens the tent and saw the bottle
of vitamin water, and picked it

up like that and took a massive
swig of it.

And then put the top back on
and went,

"Ooh, that vitamin water's
gone off.

"You must have left it in the sun."

Right. And then she walks off.

Me and Jackie, my wife,
look at each other and go,

"She never needs to know." And she
didn't know for about ten years.

And then what made you tell her?

My wife told her one night over...

Why? Why after ten years
would you do that?

I think she was in a state of
advanced refreshment.

What are we thinking?
Amy, what do you think?

I think maybe it's a lie.

I don't know any more with Craig.
Shall we say true?

I was chatting to him backstage.

Turns out he's never been to space.

I know! Incredible.

Last time I watch any of your
documentaries, you liar!

OK, we'll say true.

You're going to say it's true?
OK, Craig,

was it true or was it a lie?

I'm afraid it's true.

Oh! Oh! Thank you, Craig.

Naga, you're next.

I hate writing Christmas cards

so much I write two years'
worth every other Christmas.

Gosh, Lee's team.

I mean, how many cards do you write?
40.

40 Christmas cards?

What's wrong with that? That's all
right, isn't it?

You must know more people that you
feel inclined to send a card to

than that. No.

All right, so what do we think?
Truth or lie?

So 40 cards.

How many would you two send, would
you say? I bet you send loads.

I don't think we do, really.
I don't think we've ever sent

Christmas cards. I think what we
do... I'm sorry, what?

You've never sent a Christmas card?
No, well, you would have had one,

Rob, if we were going to send them.
I just assumed I'd caused you some

displeasure and I was off the list.

That's a bit awkward,
cos I got one off you two.

So you're one of those people
that don't send them?

No, then everything you get is
a net gain, you know?

Like, you get one from a local
restaurant, ha-ha-ha-ha,

the net gain of goodwill.

I've given no goodwill out
and I've received goodwill.

So what did you do last Christmas?

Not the Christmas... I don't know
when this is going out.

Is it after Christmas?

If you remember, we make two
in a row

and then we don't have to do it for
two years. Oh, yeah.

So, two years ago...

When was the last time you did this,
the two-year cycle?

Not this year, last year.

Why not send them two cards in one
envelope? Yes.

And then you can say,
"This one's for next year."

Got to be a lie, hasn't it, Melvyn?

Well, I don't know any more.

OK, we don't think it's
a truth or a lie.

We just want to wish a very merry
Christmas to Naga.

Thank you. Happy Easter. Oh!

And, Naga, another thing, merry
Christmas. That's for next year.

Naga, they think it's a lie.

Was that a lie or was it,
in fact, the truth?

It was a lie.

It's Lee.

David doesn't know this,
but I recently

snuck into his dressing room and did
something to see if he would notice.

David. How are those vitamin drinks?

Um, what did you do that
I don't know?

I moved something.

What did you move?

I moved a picture.

So what was the original picture
and what did you change it to?

I didn't change the picture,
I just changed its position.

I put it upside down.

Ah. It's a picture of somebody
washing their hands in the bathroom.

Is it in the bathroom bit?

Of your dressing room, yes. Yes.

Hang on, hang on. Jeremy, have you
got a bathroom

in your dressing room? No.

OK, I haven't got one either.
I've got one. Eh?

OK, who's got bathrooms in their
dressing rooms?

Cos I haven't. I've got one.

Well, I've got to walk down
the corridor, me!

I've got a shower. I've got
a shower. Yes.

I have to have a shower because
when I get out of the hot tub,

I like to have a little shower.

Does this picture ring a bell?
No.

I don't know whether there are any
pictures on the wall at all.

But we've had the same
dressing rooms for years. Yep.

I have no idea.

I know there is a telly, a fridge,
a shower and a basin.

A fridge? A fridge. I mean,
I'm sorry. It's lovely.

There's a lovely sofa, there's
an armchair.

What have you got in your room,
Craig?

A bucket in the corner.

That your sister sips from.

Describe the picture.
What's the style of art?

It's a photograph of someone
washing their hands

and the water's
cascading down onto their hands.

What sort of context
are they washing their hands in?

What kind of context? Yeah.

Yes, context, yes?

They've just had a wee-wee?

Well, you can tell that, can you?

Well, they're cupped like that.

I suppose they could be collecting
the water to drink it. Yes.

Or to throw it in the face
of someone that's irritating them.

All right, then. What do we think?

See, I didn't realise when I did
this show that it was, you know,

even when I was in my dressing room,
I had to look out for that sort of

thing in a sort of unbearable way,
that the fun can't stop when

we leave the studio, and now it's
all the time, all the pranking.

So what are you going to say?
I'm going to say it's a lie.

You're saying it's a lie. Lee, was
it a lie or was it, in fact, true?

It is of course the truth.

Oh, yeah, and we have some proof.

Gina, you're next.

Last year I changed Arnold
Schwarzenegger's wheel for him

after he got a flat tyre
outside my house.

David's team.

Describe this sequence of
events, please.

Well, he wasn't driving,
so it's technically true,

but he was in a chauffeured car.
Yeah. Where was this?

I live in Los Angeles. Right.
I was on set.

It was not my house-house,
it was on my house on set.

This is your sitcom that you
make, right?

I have a sitcom, people, in America.
CHEERING

Yeah!

IMITATES ARNOLD: And what was Arnold
doing, why was he there?

I'm doing Arnold Schwarzenegger.

I think they were leaving set.
He shoots on the same lot as us.

OK. And his car was driving by.

Yes. And there was a problem with
the tyre and I came out

and I was like, "It's Arnold
Schwarzenegger." He was still in
the car

and the driver was trying to
sort out the tyre,

so I tried to help with
the changing the tyre.

I haven't changed a tyre for years.
But I did take a couple of nuts off.

Did you talk to Arnie at all?

I did. Cos after I helped with
the tyre, I asked him for a selfie.

Did I imagine this or
when you read the card out,

did you mention
something about a will?

Yeah. So what happened there,
what was that about?

Well, obviously to change...
I think she said wheel. The wheel!

Oh!

You thought I said will? You thought
he wrote her into his will?

"I'm so grateful, I want to leave
the mansion for you."

I'll tell you what, it's a hell of
an anecdote, isn't it?

Oh, you wouldn't believe it.
I changed Arnold Schwarzenegger's

wheel and he said,
"What can I do in return?"

"Well, actually, can you
change your will?"

And he went, "Yeah, that's fine."

So now I'm bringing up
the kid that he had with the maid.

So what do you think, then?
Is she telling the truth?

I want to believe her,
but a little part of me doesn't.

Romesh, what are you thinking?
I think it's true.

You have gone to lie.
I've gone to lie.

And you're thinking true.
I don't want to sway you in any way,

but Jess has only fully understood
the story for about 45 seconds.

Yeah. We're going to say lie.

Gina, what a tale.

Was it true or was it a lie?

It was truly a lie.

It's Will. Oh. OK.

Erm, during a Sunday-league
football match

I once got a yellow
card for ordering a pizza to be

delivered to me
whilst I was in goal.

Lee's team.

Did you order it for when you'd
finished,

or did you order it to eat
during the game? Before the game

I said, "I'll get us a pizza ordered
for half-time."

It's Sunday league. And we'd all had
a few drinks the night before,

and then it was on a goal kick
and I thought,

"I'll check the status,"
and the referee told me to hurry up.

Timewasting. Yeah,
and I give him

a bit of a mouthful, cos we'd had
a bit of a falling-out earlier.

What about?

It was about something, nothing to
do with football, to be fair.

What? Oh! He said, "I thought
Two Pints was rubbish."

Aw! Oh, right, I think this is true.

What are you thinking, Sam?
Are you a sporting kind of man?

I love sport and I love pizza,
so this one has really intrigued me.

Have you ever been nutmegged?

Answer the question, mate.

Putting the ball through your legs?

Yeah, it's happened, yeah.
OK, that's interesting.

What do you think, Charlene?

Well, I think it's a lie because I
think Will is quite a fine specimen

of a man and I can't imagine a man
that likes working out and keeping

fit like he does ordering a pizza
in the middle of a football game.

Really, you think he's a fine
specimen?

Women my age who grew up
watching Will

grew up thinking he was an absolute
hottie.

Oh, I don't disagree.

The emphasis on the word
"was", yeah?

I had an argument with a bloke
in a lift that I wasn't Lee Mack.

Got back to the hotel after a night
out and this lad was proper drunk

and in the lift he went, "Oh, you're
him, aren't you, off the telly?"

I went, "Ay, yeah, you all right?"
He went, "You're that Lee Mack."

I went, "No." He thought you
looked like Lee Mack, me? Yeah.
I take it back, he's a hunk.

All right, it's time to take
a guess. What's it going to be?

It must be a lie, mustn't it?
OK, you're going to say lie.

Will, you lovely-looking man,
truth or lie?

It is...

..a lie.

AUDIENCE: Aw!

I tried!

Well, that's all we have time for on
this special

edition of "Would I Lie To You?"

Thanks very much for watching.
Goodnight.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE