17x09 - Episode 9

[bunniefuu]

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Good evening.
Welcome to Would I Lie To You?

The show that separates
the truth from the twaddle.

On David Mitchell's team tonight...

...actor and Strictly star Will
Mellor.

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

Thank you.

And from Morning Live
via Girls Aloud,

it's Kimberley Walsh.

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

On Lee Mack's team tonight...

...she's the Loose Woman who survived
I'm A Celebrity.

It's Charlene White.

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

And an award-winning stand up comic
all the way from Australia,

Sam Campbell.
APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

We begin with Round 1,
Home Truths,

where our panellists read out
a statement

from the card in front of them.

To make things harder,
they've never seen the card before.

They've no idea
what they'll be faced with.

It's up to the opposing team to sort
the fact from the fiction.

And, Will, you're first tonight.

OK.

Here we go.

Er...

For three weeks, I had a job

dancing in a shop window.

Lee's team.

Where was the shop?

Um, Manchester.

What was the shop?
It was a clothes shop.

So were you dancing,
wearing the clothes?

No, I was there to

draw attention to the shop.

And what sort of clothes
did they sell?

Ladies clothes, like...
LAUGHTER

Was it just you dancing
or you had a couple of guys?

A whole bunch of hunks
all going at it?

So here's a question.

What were you actually wearing?

Er, cut-off jean shorts. Yeah.

And, um, a sleeveless top.

What was the ladies' clothes
shop called?

Er, Snob.

Are you sure there was an
S at the beginning?

Yeah.

It was, er, it was...

It was a shop in the... in the
Arndale Centre in Manchester, um...

Just when it couldn't
get any more glamorous.

How many hours a day was it?

You'd go on for, like, 15, 20
minutes,

then you'd go off for 20 minutes
and you'd come back on.

And when you go off does someone
else come on? No.

That's when they want people to come
in the shop. They're like, "You've
seen it..." Oh, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Just to be clear, do you think
you were that good...

...that it was stopping people
entering the shop?

"We're going to have to give him 20
minutes off just to get them in."

Would you dance to music or would
you just let yourself go? No.

It was an audition.

Tell us what the music was, cos we've
got a very good sound department.

It was like '90s classics,
you know?

It was like Show Me Love or
something, it was a '90s classic.

OK, would you give us
a demonstration? Oh, man!

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING
CHARLENE: Come on! Woo!

And I will...
I will cue in the music.

Ready? Three, two, one, go.

MUSIC: Show Me Love
by Robin S

That's all. That's impressive.

That was...

That was properly impressive.

And did you sell many dresses
doing that?

What am I doing here?

What do you mean what are you doing
here?

You used to work in a shop window, dancing.

What do you think, Sam?
Is he telling the truth?

I've got one more question
and this could be the smoking g*n.

What floor of the building was it?

The ground floor.

I think it's the truth.

What do you think, Charlene? Um...

True?

He had a few moves then didn't he?

He did. Yeah, go on, shall we
say that's true, then? All right.

You're going to say it's true.
OK, Will, they think it's true.

Is it true or is it a lie?

It is...

...true.

CHEERING

Yes, it's true. Will did use to
dance in a shop window.

Kimberley, you're next.

Bono once fixed the flush
on my downstairs loo.

Lee's team.

Is that a euphemism?

It might be worth saying, Kimberley,
for some of the younger viewers,

Bono, of course,

is the lead singer

of Spandau Ballet.

Sorry, U2, U2, U2.

I thought you're going to explain
what a loo was.

And so what happened?

So, we were on tour in Ireland.

And when are we talking
about, Kimberley?

What year this would have been?

So this would have
been, like, mid-2005-ish I reckon.

Right, OK. And we were staying in
these kind of, like, apartments.

So it was the toilet downstairs
in the apartment. OK.

So basically I went out to, like,

the, you know, the concierge-type
bit in the apartment block.

Bono wasn't
working as the concierge, was he?

And he... And Bono actually happened
to be in

the reception area at the
same time.

So I start shouting
off that the loo's blocked.

So then we start chatting and then
he's like,

AS BONO: "Oh, sure, I'll fix the
loo."

Was he wearing sunglasses?

Yeah, he always wears sunglasses.

That is him.

Always wears sunglasses.

So how exactly did Bono
unblock that toilet?

So he lifts up, you know, the,
what's it called? The cistern?

Fiddles around with that
floaty thing.

The ballcock. The ballcock.

And he's like, "Bob's your uncle."

Life's lesson learned from Bono.

Thrilled.

Were all Girls Aloud
in the same apartment?

No, we had two between us.

Who were you with?
I was with Cheryl.

So you and Cheryl, what, in a twin
room?

No, we had our own rooms.
Don't get carried away.

If I was getting carried away I
wouldn't have said twin beds,

I'd have said a double bed,
wouldn't I?

And, trust me, I wouldn't have had
in the background

the idea that your toilet
was blocked.

Yes! That's very true!

What are you thinking, Sam?

Or, can I ask

being in, like, a famous pop group

is that just a roller-coaster?

Yes, it is.

That's quite a very general
question, Sam.

I think it's true.

I think that it's not
you in your highest moment.

So I think to present
this is really brave.

The bit I don't like is the
concierge going,

"Yes, I'll just sort that out
for you."

IRISH ACCENT: "Wait a minute,
I'll sort this out."

"Oh, it's all right, Bono from U2's
going to do it, that's all right."

So what do you think?
Is it the truth?

I think it's a lie.

All right, we will go with lie.

OK, you're going to say
it's a lie.

Kimberley, was it a lie or was it
actually the truth?

It was, of course...

...a lie.

Yes, it's a lie.

Bono didn't fix Kimberley's flush.

Our next round is called
This Is My,

where we bring on a mystery guest
who has a close connection

to one of our panellists.

This week, each of Lee's team will
claim it's them that has the genuine

connection to the guest,
and it's up to David's team

to spot who is telling the truth.

So please welcome this week's
special guest, Michael.

APPLAUSE

So, Charlene,

what is Michael to you?

This is Michael and he once
buttered my finger

when I got Lorraine Kelly's
wedding ring stuck on it.

Right, Sam, how do you know
Michael?

This is Michael.

He's the cab driver who made me late

because he stopped mid-journey

to play the trumpet.

Lee, what is your relationship
with Michael?

This is Michael.

He is a master watchmaker,
and I am his apprentice.

So there we have it.

Charlene's handy helper,

Sam's musical mate,

or Lee's timepiece tutor.

David's team. Where to begin?

So, sorry,
whose ring did you put on, Charlene?

Lorraine Kelly's, Lorraine's.

And why did you do that?

Well, she'd been a guest on Loose,

and she mentioned her husband and
talked about relationships and
stuff.

Sorry, Charlene, When you say
"loose"... Loose Women, right?

Sorry, Loose Women.
Hey, welcome to Would.

Which is Rob's favourite
chat-up line.

Whey!

Sorry, Charlene. OK. No, and, um...

During the show I was looking
at her ring and it's so beautiful,

I can't tell you how beautiful
her ring is.

Um, gold band with, like, a shed
load of diamonds in the middle.

And is Lorraine a dear
friend of yours?

Well, I know... I've been on her
show a couple of times.

Yes, she's lovely, isn't she?
I wouldn't say that we're besties.

When I say she's lovely
you ignore it. Interesting.

So I popped into her dressing
room to say thank you.

To lovely Lorraine.

Um, and I was looking at her
ring again,

and she just said,
"Do you want to have a try?

You can imagine Lorraine's...

AS LORRAINE: Oh, go on.
Have a try, have a try.

She said, "Have a look, have a
look." So I had a look.
SCOTTISH ACCENT: "Give it a go."

That's Billy Connolly.
I don't know why I've gone there.

AS BILLY: Why do I do that?
I don't know.

So I was quite swollen.

So I put it on...

Welcome to Would.

Um, and I couldn't get it off.

And Michael just happened
to be, what, lurking in the corner?

No, no!

Michael's one of our floor managers
over at Loose Women.

With a pocket full of butter?

No...

So in the same room that we have our
debrief, there is a fridge in there.

So when you had the ring on,
was you not in the room
where the butter was?

No, I was in a panic.

Michael was going past in order
to go to the debrief. OK.

And he heard me struggling because
the door was open.

Why is Michael going to the debrief?

Cos he comes to our debriefs.

What does a debrief
on Loose Women involve?

Um...

They just take their knickers off, surely.

Oh, God.

What did Lorraine feel about the
fact that her nice ring's

now got quite a lot of butter in it?

Er, all
the dressing rooms have en suites.

So I ran straight to the en suite
and basically started washing it

and really hoped it didn't ruin...

And then the main diamond
popped out into the...

...into the toilet bowl,

which wasn't blocked,
and down it went.

Luckily Bono was there!

And he said, "You still haven't
found what you're looking for,
then?"

He said, "I would have been here
earlier,

"but the streets have no name."

OK, so is that the end
of the story?

Joshua Tree.

What?!

Nice to be involved, isn't it?

All right,
who would you like to quiz next?

OK, Sam.

Remind us of your statement.

I know Michael.

He was driving a cab that I was in.

He made me late for an event
because he stopped the car

to play the trumpet.

He's got the trumpet in the cab?

Yeah.
Did you ask him to play the trumpet?

Did you say, "Hey, mate,
can you play that?"

No, no, he said, he said, "Where are
you from?" And I said, "Australia."

And he said, "I can play
any national anthem on the trumpet."

Where are we, Sam?

I don't know the suburbs very well,
but we were going to the

Museum of Public Executions.

Hang on.

Was it a black cab? Yeah.

And remind us, I couldn't hum
the Australian National Anthem

if I tried.

What does it sound like?

Is it Waltzing Matilda?

Or is it the theme to Home And Away?

How does it go?

♪ Australians all let us rejoice

♪ For we are one and free... ♪
LAUGHTER

That's the first part.

It's rousing, isn't it?

If that doesn't get you ready for
battle I don't know what does.

How had you found this black cab?

In the city.

And you... Hang on. Before he said,
"We were in the suburbs."

I didn't say the suburbs, did I?
You said, "We were in the suburbs
somewhere."

Now, I see where you get this
confusion and I forgive you. We...

You forgive me?!

This is in my... That's where the
exhibition was. It was out of the
way.

I totally understand that you don't
know the geography of these places,

because obviously none
of this really happened.

Where are you saying you were
when you got this black taxi?

I was in, like, the city, you know,
around that area, the pigeons,

big buildings, the city.

Businessmen! Businessmen.

How had you got to the
businessmen pigeons bit of London?

Is that where you are saying
you live?

My own street, where I live?

Yes. 36... Don't give your address
on television.

Why not? I just wouldn't.

This is Soho we're talking.

Soho, there we go.

Oh, now you're in Soho, right.

I'm sorry to shock you there,
but they are not businessmen.

It's a form of commerce.

Now...

Let's shift our attention
to the actual,

when he started to blow his trumpet.
Yeah.

And where did he get it?

It was in the front with him, presumably.

He had the trumpet under his,
like, I guess, second seat.

The passenger seat! Passenger!

Yeah, but except in a
black cab there isn't a seat there.

There's no seat there.

Which you, which you wouldn't have
seen from the back.

Yeah, I don't know. I'm still
learning about this amazing...

LEE: You're on your own after that
one. ..amazing city.

Nevertheless, when we pointed
that out,

you had the look of someone
who'd been discovered.

No, no, no, no. Don't ever try to
read my face, cos I, er,

it's, it's a pri... That's private.

Unlike your address.

That's brilliant. Now, Lee,
remind us of your statement.

Er, this is Michael.

He is a master watchmaker
and I am his apprentice.

So, you're changing careers,
I'm glad to hear it.

Oh, I'm not changing careers.

No, no, it's an interest of mine,
it's a hobby.

What's your favourite watch?

So, how did you get into it?

Well, it's just, it's always
fascinated me, that,

how a watch works. Mm.

And I thought,
"How does a watch work?"

Do you know what happens
inside a watch, David? I do.

My grandad used to mend watches

and my dad was a fanatical
watchmaker, so... Oh, God.

Can you ask now
a lot of technical questions?

See, he's not wearing a watch, guys.
No, he isn't wearing a watch,

but then I suppose...
Have you got my watch?

How did you get in touch
with Michael?

He's got a YouTube channel for watch
repairing and the like.

Yeah.

So I thought, I'll learn
to repair a watch.

I'll learn to strip a watch and put
it back together again.
How did you get in touch with him?

I contacted him through YouTube,
he's got a link. OK, and...

I know you know as much
about YouTube as I do,

so I can say anything, can't I?

Reached into the screen and...

Clicked on his link
and the doorbell rang.

And so you're his apprentice.
Where do the lessons happen?

Apprentice is a loose word.

I would call myself
his apprentice, because...

Because that was a lie you
were given on a panel show.

I just got into watching his
various videos and then eventually

I contacted him and he was nice
enough to do a one-to-one session.

Cos I was stuck on one
particular problem.

I want to know, what -
what's your favourite watch?

You didn't answer that question.
The watch I worked on,

it... it was the, er, the...

...Seiko 5! Seikos are digital,
aren't they?

Er, well, that's why I ruined it.

I felt such an idiot when I said to
Michael, I said,

"Why is it not ticking?"

You said you got stuck on a problem.
Oh, there was a complication.

What was the complication?
It was... It was a problem.

It was the date.

And the complication was,
what, mending the bit

that told the date?

Oh, you heathen.
The complication IS the date.

That's what you call something on a
watch that isn't the hour or minute.

Oh, the complication.

Yes, I think that's right.

I think when a watch has more
than one feature,

then I think they're called
complications.

Well, there you go.

If it had the day and the
date it would have

two complications. So what's the
problem with the watch?

Nothing wrong with the watch,
I just bought a watch to see

what it would be like to take it
apart and put it back
together again.

Big cogs? Big cogs? Big cogs.

Oh, big cogs I really like doing it.

No, no.

APPLAUSE

No, big cogs... Have you got big cogs
in your watch?

They tend to call them
wheels in watches, rather than cogs.

That's another thing he's given us.

Wheels and complications.

And you have a one-to-one
session with Michael.

Yeah. And what happens in the
one-to-one session?

Michael Bolton, by the way,
that's his name.

And he's got two friends.

One's called Andy Murray and the
other's called Dennis Taylor.

Genuinely true, that.

While we're on genuinely true,
is he a watchmaker
and you're his apprentice?

No. Oh!

All right, we need an answer.

So David's team,
is Michael Charlene's handy helper,

Sam's musical mate
or Lee's timepiece tutor?

I don't know Sam well enough to know
whether he'd be a good enough liar

to seem so implausible
about the truth.

We could have dinner!

And also, black cabbies, they do
like to talk, but they're not going

to get away with getting out of
the car and playing the trumpet.

They're on a meter.

Are we happy to rule out Sam?

Let's rule out Sam, I think.
Sam's got to go.

I'm really happy, cos I've never got
it down to me and one other before.

This is fantastic.

He is so good at talking that he
could double bluff us.

This could be true.

It is true.

I just think... Or is it?

Charlene, what I want to know,
is that something that women do?

They say, "Would you like to try on
this ring?"

I wouldn't really want to take mine
off and let someone else put it on.

What's it going to be, David?

It's time to be masterful
and make a decision.

Instinct, from the gut,
Will, which is it?

Charlene. Charlene.

I think it might be Lee.

You think it's Lee.

Yeah. You... Argh! Can you picture
him in a shed with an eyepiece

like that? Yes.

The thing is about Lee
is he's obsessive.

He could really get into something
like that.

Oh, God,
you hide under his bed one day

and you get this for the rest
of your life.

David, you have to step up
and decide.

Lee. Oh! Ooh!

Ooh, ooh!

You're saying it's Lee? Yeah.

Well, this is unprecedented.

Wow!

Michael, would you please reveal
your true identity?

I'm Michael

and I've been teaching Lee
watchmaking.

CHEERING

Yes, Michael is Lee's timepiece
tutor and we have some proof.

There is Lee, look.

They're on a Zoom together there
and then we have another one.

There's more to you
than meets the eye.

Thank you very much, Michael.

APPLAUSE

Which brings us to our final round,
Quickfire Lies, and we start with...

It's David.

I have taken to watching television
in the evenings,

whilst holding a tambourine.

That way, when I inevitably nod off,
it hits the floor and wakes me up.

Lee's team.

Yeah, I mean, this has got
to be true.

At what time of evening are you
and Victoria settling down together?

Well, 8, 8:30.

You're falling asleep
at eight o'clock? No.

Maybe we might eat some food.

A TV dinner on your lap?
Yeah, yeah.

LEE: Oh, you don't strike me
as a TV dinner, no, no.

No, absolutely not. No.

DAVID: Oh, no, sorry, obviously
Monday to Thursday

it's in the baronial hall.

Straight on your lap
or is it a tray?

It's an occasional table.

What is it all the other days?

And is it just you who has
this problem?

Or does Victoria watch the programme
with a tray of marbles?

No, well, the tambourine
can wake us both up.

It just so happens
I have a tambourine.

I always carry one with me.

Um, Kimberley, would you pass this
to David, please? Sure.

Yes, cos I'm naked
from the waist down.

Let's imagine, David,
Kimberley is Victoria, OK.

Yeah, well she's on the wrong side,
she'd sit there.

All right, and you're watching
Lee's history of watchmaking

and you may want to do a bit of it.
Yeah.

And imagine now, you're starting
to nod off,

cos it's Lee presenting
something serious.

Hi. Welcome to this -

Lee Mack Looks
At The Inside Of Watches.

Ask me anything you want on a text

about the inside of a watch
and I bet I know the answer.

If there's anyone watching this,
please...

CLATTERING

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE
It's actually a pretty good idea!

I'm more interested, why does
Victoria always sit on the right?

Because of her politics.

No, we always sit...
We're on the sofa...

No, no, we'll just leave it there.

All right, what do you think, Sam?

It's too goofy for this guy.

Even seeing him
with the tambourine, I was like,

I don't think even in the privacy
of his home he would hold that.

It's like we HAVE had dinner.

LOUD JANGLING

Can I just say,
I think your watch needs oiling.

When I do this, I can't hear Lee.

That's quite frightening.

What are you going to say, then?

Stop now, David. Sorry?

Stop. Yes, it's good.

Time to stop!

Let's stop.

Time to put down the tambourine!

No more tambourine.
He likes it. Yes! Put it down!

Oh, sorry.

Well, what do we think?

I mean, it's a bit...
That's lie central.

Doesn't seem like a very
practical solution. No.

So you're going to say lie?

Yeah, I think it's a lie.
They're saying lie.

David, truth or lie?

It was, in fact...

...a lie.

APPLAUSE

Yes, it's a lie. David doesn't
watch TV holding a tambourine.

Next...

It's Sam.

Oh!

I was once a body double
for a head lice advert.

David's team.

What do you mean, a body double?

I had head lice at the time.

OK.

They show the boy and then they show
the back of the head with the lice.

I was not the boy but that
back of the head and those...

...those are my lice.

So when they were casting
the advert, they thought,

"Well, we can't cast someone who's
necessarily infested themselves."

The lady who invented the comb,
it was her son.

Which comb are we talking about?

The Nitbusters comb.
Nitbusters? Yeah.

So the person that invented
the comb for head lice... Yeah.

...her son was in the advert.

It's called nepotism, David.

Odd name for your son. Yeah.

Where...? Are we in Australia, Sam?

Oh, you're not having one of your
breakdowns again, are you, Rob?

This is in Queensland, dude.

How did they know you had head lice?

Cos you don't
advertise that, do you?

Best friends with this guy, yeah.

Him and I were... as thick as
thieves.

Right, so was it like one of them
shopping channels?

Weirdly, I think it was on the news.

It was at the end of the news,
they'd be like,

"And now we've got this comb."

So it's on the news?

Yeah. I thought you said
it was an advert.

"Here are the head lice."

I think it was a thinly veiled
advert and, you know, so sue me.

You think it was advertorial,
that's what you're saying.

When was this?

I was pretty young at the time.
Ten or 11.

When was that? Cos I...

When I was in primary school.

Yeah, when? We realise that -
we're trying to ascertain the year.

Put a year on it.
Maybe year six, I guess.

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

I was much younger.

You haven't said what you had to do
in this advert or this appearance.

So I just was the back.

You know, like any time you see
someone's hands in a movie,

that's not really their hands.

That's not true.

That is true.

What you mean is sometimes
when you see somebody's hands.

I think every time.
Not every time.

Sometimes when they scratch
their face, that's their hand.

If you see Tom Cruise
scratching his face,

there's not someone going...

Cruise has got a scratcher.
Cruise has got a scratcher.

So in the 1990s, there was
a breakthrough in the treatment

of nits in Australia,
that a new comb was marketed?

Yeah. Yeah.

And what was so great about it?

What was new about it
that the previous nit combs...?

I think the spacing between
the teeth on this comb

was just really gobsmacking good.

Up until then they were, like,
that far apart and they just...

Unless it's a very big nit,
yeah, yeah.

That's the obvious design feature
to tinker with on a comb, isn't it?

How did you feel when
they offered you this?

Cos in the one level,
"Oh, I'm going to be on the telly...

"..but showing my nits."

I mean, I know this guy
who was dancing in a window

to get his foot in the door.

LAUGHTER

All right, well, what do you think?

You know, mainly because
you mixed up advert and news,

otherwise I'm totally buying it.

Me, I think definitely lie, yeah.

I think lie.
I think we do think it's a lie.

I mean you... you have
a disconcerting presence, Sam.

No. So in a way...

You say the warmest things
to the guests, David.

But there's also something
ghostly about you.

I wouldn't be surprised if at
the next recording they said,

"Wasn't it weird that on
Lee's team we only had one guest?"

"No! No, there was another guest!
Sam! He was from Australia!"

And Rob says,
"There is no such place."

But I think we think it's a lie.

They're saying it's a lie.

Yes, say it's a lie.
Sam, truth or lie?

It's true.

No!

No, no, no! No, no, no.

It's true. Sam was a body double
for a head lice advert.

BUZZER
Ah!

That noise signals time is up,
it's the end of the show.

I can reveal that
David's team have one point

and Lee's team have four points.

Ah, well done.

CHEERING

Thanks for watching.
We'll see you next time. Goodnight.