17x05 - Episode 5

[bunniefuu]

Good evening!
Welcome to Would I Lie To You?

The show with tall tales
and tantalising truths.

On David Mitchell's team tonight,
an award-winning DJ, actor

and presenter, it's Craig Charles.

And a stand-up comic joining us for
her second time, it's Shazia Mirza.

On Lee Mack's team tonight,
he's a broadcaster, journalist

and king of the Eggheads,
it's Jeremy Vine.

Thank you.

And a rising star of stand-up
comedy, Amy Gledhill.

Thank you.

We begin with Round 1, Home Truths,

where our panellists read out
a statement

from the card in front of them.

Now, to make things harder,
they've never seen the card before -

they have no idea
what they'll be faced with.

It's up to the opposing team to sort
the fact from the fiction.

Craig is first up tonight.

I once made a 72-hour round trip to Australia

just to pick up a really rare record

because I couldn't risk it
getting damaged in the post.

Lee's team.

Wow. What was the record?


It was a rare Northern Soul record.

By? Er, Frank Wilson.
And what was the record called?

It was called
Do I Love You [Indeed I Do].

It was originally printed
and they were, all 500 presses were

smashed because Motown didn't
like it,

but two survived,
well, two knowingly survived

and we thought we'd found a third
one. Is it a single or an album?

It's a 7-inch.

Sorry, but the... flying all that way
for a 7-inch doesn't seem

like a very good use of...

...of time, of time or money.

Yeah.

Uh, the one that we know of,
that I know, of sold for £28,000.

So it's quite a...
And how much were YOU paying for it?

Well, we thought we could get it
for about nine grand.

Where do you get it,
was it from eBay or something?

No, it was just from some research
and people,

someone phoned up and said he thinks
he's got a copy of it

in Melbourne, Australia. OK.
So I went over on... on Qantas.

So when you got there,
did the third one exist?

It did exist, yeah, but it was
in such a bad state,

it was like someone had glued it
back together.

So you couldn't play it?
No, you couldn't play it, no.

Craig,
could you do a bit of the song?

♪ Do I love you
Do I love you

♪ Do I love you... ♪

Oh, it WAS scratched, wasn't it?!

Um, presume you'd have been expecting,

if you'd have brought it back,
expecting to pay import duty?

I wasn't expecting... that.

YOU might not have been expecting it
but I suspect THEY were.

Jeremy, what do you think?

It just seems so impractical,
to fly that distance

and pay that amount of money
to buy something.

So I'm edging towards lie here.

Did you offer him anything?

I did offer him, uh, £5,000.

And he said no? And I brought it
home. Ooh! Oh, you DID buy it?

So you've got it now, have you?
Yeah. This now sounds true.

I think it's true. Yeah, well...
I think he's well-known for his love

of music, so he might be mad enough
to do that. We'll say it's true.

You're saying it's true.
They think it's true.

Craig, was it true
or were you telling us a lie?

I was telling you...

...a lie. Oh!

Yes, it's a lie.

Craig didn't fly to Australia
just to pick up a record.

Shazia, you're next.

I was once grounded
when my parents saw a picture of me

in the local paper,

doing something I shouldn't.

You were doing something you
shouldn't? Yeah.

I had be... I had, er, escaped.

Escaped? From where?

Er, I'd escaped from the house.

Were, were you, er...? I mean,
how dark is this story going to get?

How old were you when
this happened, Shazia? 14.

And how did you escape?

Um, I got... I got some bedsheets,

um, and I-I knotted them together,

threw them out the window,

climbed down them
and I-I left the house.

Why?

I wanted to go out for the night...
to a nightclub. Well, what ti...?

Oh, a nightclub.
What time did you sneak out?

Oh, about 11 o'clock at night.

And what time did you get back in?

About four o'clock in the morning.

Bedsheet still hanging from window?
Yeah. How many storeys?

I mean, I don't believe this one
to start with, but how many?

How many storeys high were you?

Three.

You were three floors up?
Three storeys?!

What did you tie the bedsheets to?

Uh, to each other. But...

Wow!

You need something at the other end.
What's the end tied to?

Oh, it was tied to the window.

OK, you go to this nightclub.

Why is your picture ending up
in the paper?

There was some famous people
in there.

Ooh, tell us.

Well, there was Joan Collins. What?!

Boy George. Boy George.

He's big. He's a big name. UB40.

I be 54!

Um...

So how did you end up in the photo?
That's what we need to be clear on.

Well, what happened was when the
nightclub ended about four o'clock,

um, there was like no taxis

and I didn't know how I was going
to get home

so I asked Boy George...

Oh, here we go.

Here we go.

I asked Boy George
if he would give me

a piggyback home.

And did he say,
"Do you really wanna hurt me"?

Where does the photo come in?
What was in the photo?

Well, um, he said to me,
"Oh, you look great.

"Let's have a picture together."

Right. Right.

And what did your parents say
when they saw the paper?

How did they confront you?

They rang up the newspaper
and they said,

"That's not my daughter."

Well, hang on, hang on. What, what?

But the... Wait a minute!

First of all, before you get
to that bit of mad information,

how did it transpire
in the next day?

I want to know that bit.

Were you still in bed
when they got the paper?

Yes.

What time was this now?

Was it in the...? It must have been
an evening paper, then?

Comes out about midday, I think.

My dad gets the paper and he's...
he opens it up

and there's a picture of, um, me
with Boy George.

Um, it was...
had my name and he said...

Oh, you gave your name?
It had your name in it?

Yeah.

Your father rang the paper.

That's correct.
And there was a huge row.

He said "That's not my daughter.

"You've put a picture in the paper
saying it's my daughter,

"and it's not my daughter."

And he said,
"Yes, it is your daughter."

Well, how did HE know on the other
end of the phone?! Exactly.

Oh, my God. Yeah, but it could be
the dad of another Shazia Mirza

who looks nothing like you.

But if he says... But there aren't
that many Shazia Mirzas.

I know! But if he's rang up
and said, "That's not Shazia Mirza,"

the guy on the other end isn't
immediately going to go,
"Yes, it is!"

Well, no, but he said,
"There's a picture of this girl

"with Boy George, you've said it's
Shazia Mirza. It's not my daughter."

OK. And what did the man say?
"Yes, it is."

And how, but...

And your dad said?

"No, it's not."

But he must have recognised you
from the picture.

Who, my dad?

Yes.

My dad says, like there's no way
it could be me

because I'm asleep.

Yes, but he could see the picture.

I mean, was he not good with faces?

Yeah, well, they... He thought that
they had just got this photo of me

from somewhere,
and just shoved it in the paper.

So how was it resolved, Shazia?

Well, it wasn't resolved.

Um...

How does your story end?
Let me put it like that.

I'm hoping quite soon.

It did...

Well, the thing was, it ended
when my dad said,

"Um you... you're never going
to be allowed out ever again."

Ah, wait, whoa, whoa.
So now he DOES think it's you?

No, he's saying this
to the newspaperman.

"With this sort of irresponsible reporting,

"you're never allowed out
of your house again."

Did he knock on your door?

Uh, oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

He comes in. Yeah.
And then what was said next?

He said "Look."

What was he wearing?

That's the newspaper.
Yeah, and he says?

And he goes, "Look at this!"

Go on.

"I-I know where you were
last night."

Aw, I'm getting angry
with this story now.

What's the junction
between "that is not my daughter"

and "where the hell...
why were you out last night?"

The man at the paper...

He doesn't know you!

Uh, he was... He convinced my dad
that that person was me.

More than your face?!

More than your actual face,
a man on a phone,

who he has never met,
and he doesn't know who you are,

has met you once for a second
on the back of Boy George.

That was more important
than your face in the photo.

But the point is,
he believed the man more than me.

Right.

All right, um,
so, what do we think?

Um, Jeremy, what are you thinking?

I'm starting to have my doubts
about this one, to be honest.

I know it sounds
a crazy point of detail

but the idea that a newspaper could
print the story

within three hours
of the nightclub closing...

Of everything she said,

the time the newspaper comes out
is the...

I mean, to me, that's fine,
it's everything else.

It's just, it's the sheer, it's...

No, everything else.
Yeah, Boy George, piggyback,

Birmingham nightclub - aw, yeah!

Yeah, that's all fine.

Who's that? Oh, it's Joan Collins.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.

A man doesn't recognise
his own daughter.

Noooo. So, yeah. No problem.

What time does the paper come out?
"Midday." "She's lying."

What about you, Amy?
What do you think?

I think it's a lie
cos it's hard to pick

like a bit that COULD be true.

Yeah.

You're saying it's a lie.
We'll say it's a lie.

Right, Shazia, they're,
they're pretty convinced it's a lie.

Was it a lie
or were you telling the truth?

I'm afraid

it's the truth.

What the...?!

It's true. Shazia was grounded
after her parents saw her picture

in the paper,
and here is that picture...

No! ..of Shazia with Boy George.

Mind blown!

Our next round is called
This Is My...,

where we bring on a mystery guest

who has a close connection
to one of our panellists.

This week, each of Lee's team
will claim it's them

that has the genuine connection
to the guest.

It's up to David's team to spot
who's telling the truth.

So please welcome
this week's special guest, Kate.

So, Amy, what is Kate to you?

So this is Kate, and we worked
together in the same office

for three months,

before we realised we were actually
living in the same house.

Right!

Jeremy, how do you know Kate?

This is Kate.

Um, when she got nervous on Eggheads,

I came up with a unique way
of calming her down.

Right!

And finally, Lee,
what is your relationship with Kate?

This is Kate, and I accidentally cut
the trunk

off her topiary elephant.

So there we have it.

David's team, where will you begin?

So for three months Amy... Yeah.
...what was the office?

Uh, it was cold calling in Leeds,
to sell kitchens.

Right.

And you both were working there?

Mm-hm. When was this?

Um, this was about 2012 and I was
living in a big shared house.

Yeah. So how did it transpire,
this discovery?

Um, so we, we weren't great friends,
no offence, Kate.

We, uh, I knew her at work,

I sort of knew her to sort of say
hello to, things like that.

Yeah. Um, and... How many people
working at this cold calling centre?

It felt like millions, and
there were shifts so you didn't...

Well, it won't have BEEN millions so...

Less than a million, let's say.

Less than, OK.

I'd say maybe



I think the key to this is the
house, isn't it,

how big was the house?

So it was... it was five bedroom
but I'm...

Did it feel like a million?

It felt like a million people there, minimum,

but I'm quite shy,
uh, quite introverted.

And when you were selling these kitchens,

how good a salesperson were you?

Really bad.

So you didn't have to actually sell
the kitchen on the call,

you just had to get them to say,

"OK, I'd like to speak to someone
further."

Yes. And I could never get any bites
cos I'd basically ring up and go,

"I'm so sorry,
I know you don't want a kitchen,

I won't call you again."

So I used to have to ring
my parents' landline every day

and my mum would put on a voice and
say, "Yes, I'll have a kitchen,"

and she'd have to talk to the
manager, so I'd get a bite.

What type of kitchen...?
So she's got

about nine kitchens.

The key to the mystery's not the
kitchen! It's the house, isn't it?!

Did the house have a kitchen?

Yes. Yes, it did.

And why didn't you ever see Kate
in the kitchen?

So in 2012,
I'd just started stand-up,

so I'd go do my day shift
selling my kitchens,

and failing,
and then I'd go to a pub

and do a gig where I would fail!

If a gig didn't do very well

and it was just silence for 20
minutes, did you ever end with,

"Don't suppose anyone wants to buy
a kitchen, do they?"

That'd a sad way to end,
wouldn't it?

I-I don't need you to commit,
I just need a bite.

So, tell us about the moment, then,

when you actually did realise
that you were in the same house.

Uh, so I'd gone down one morning
and Kate was in the kitchen,

and I was like, "Oh, hello!

"We work at the same place."

And I thought she'd slept
with somebody in the...

...in the house so I was like,

"Oh, my God!
Who have YOU been with?"

And she was like "Sorry, what?"

"Why are YOU in the house?"

And it was like, "Oh, I live here,"
and she was like, "I live here,"

and it was like, "Oh, right, you're
that room on the third floor."

So when you asked the question,
"Who've you been sleeping with?"

Who did you think it...?

And who ate all the porridge?

But who did you think that might be?

Did you know other people
who lived in the house?

Ah, yeah, well, so there was a guy
called Adam who had a pet tarantula

and I was thinking, "Oh, Kate,
how low are your standards?"

Yeah. And so I presumed,

"Oh, she's, she's with greasy Adam."

All right.
Who would you like to quiz next?

Jeremy. It was a technique for
calming Kate down, is that right?

Well, I present, uh, Eggheads,
a game, quiz show,

and sometimes contestants
get nervous and,

and I noticed that Kate was nervous
and I tried to calm her down.

And how did you do that?

So I could see that Kate was just
not in the moment,

she wasn't enjoying it, and we had
this discussion of whether

we should just proceed but, you
know, it's quite frightening

actually to go in a question booth
and you're on your own answering questions,

so I said, "Look, do you want

"to see me ride my penny-farthing?"

And... If this is euphemism,
then I don't want to hear it!

We... I was, we were filming Eggheads
in the Riverside Studios

and I had cycled there
on a penny-farthing.

Can I ask a question at this point?

Why?

I've always been a bit interested
in penny-farthings and then,

for some reason they started making
them again, and I bought one.

So you're at the studios. Kate is
nervous... We're recording.

You pick up one on her nerves.
Kate is one of the competitors.

Yeah. The question is,
if Kate is feeling anxious about it,

we've got a deputy, but I said,

"Look, let's take a break and
I'll show you my penny-farthing."

And so we went out...
I don't believe this.

I would imagine, Jeremy,
if anything,

that might have made her
a little MORE nervous.

Well, it was one of those
funny moments.

We went outside the studio,

I unlocked it

and I...

I rode it around
inside the Riverside Studio area

and at the end of it, I think
Kate rather enjoyed it.

Or she went, "If he stops,
I'll play."

Stop laughing.
You're not supposed to laugh!

You didn't laugh when I cut the
trunk off your elephant, did you?

Or when I k*lled your leopard.

You just wore it!

Why were you so sure
that an action that's so surreal

that in fact might have made her
think that she'd fainted

and was hallucinating this

would be the right way to calm her
down rather than, say, a cup of tea?

I don't know.

And, David, do you know what?
She doesn't look very nervous now.

Ah, that's because

I rode my BMX around the studio

earlier on.

She's fine now.

She's fine.

Are you happy now to move on
to Lee Mack, the one in the middle?

Yeah, I mean, you know, I
understand the contractual duty.

So where was her topiary elephant?

It was in her front garden.

Have you got a history of topiary?

I've got history
of hedge trimming

and my hedge is particularly
well trimmed.

Yeah. She is a neighbour,
she's been in our back garden,

she's seen it.

How could you have got it so wrong?

So what happened was,
it was a very good elephant,

it looked like an elephant.
Who...? How big was it?

I would say... Use your hands.

Oh, right. I would say...

Mm...

Uh... about five foot.

Who had done it initially?
Who had...?

She had done it. She had done it.
Yes. OK. Yeah.

So why has someone so expert
at this kind of topiary

that she could create

a perfect small version
of an adult elephant...

Maa! ..did she ask you -

someone who's only good enough...
Yeah. Yeah. ..to do a neat hedge -

to tidy up her elephant?

Yeah. Or you could just say
two words - "Why you?"

Yes. I've got two words for you.

Broken arm.

Broken - she had broken her arm.

I know. Right.

In fact, I think it was me
that told YOU.

OK. So she'd broken her arm
and it was urgent...

Not urgent, no. ..that the
topiary... No. What? Yes?

Not urgent, but it was already
getting a little bit unkempt.

Basically she'd been meaning
to tidy it up

then she broke her arm... Yeah.

...and she knew if she waited for her
arm to heal,

then it's too far gone.

Exactly what you just said. OK,
well, this,

I mean this is SO plausible.

Thank you. I think I speak on behalf
of everyone in the room

when I say, no further questions.

How did you manage to lop off
an entire trunk?

Oh, yes, that bit.

So what happened was
I did everything quite well

and then I realised, I stepped back
and I thought,

"Oh, I've taken off a bit more
than I wanted on the left."

So the first thing I did
was thin everything else out

so it's all to scale

but now it's starting to look like,

it looks like there'd been
a drought.

Yeah. And the crops had...
and the elephant was struggling.

Yes. I expected Attenborough to go,

"He looks
like he won't last the winter."

Was King Charles there too?

Yeah. Impressions are beneath me.

And, er...

Or is that BEYOND you?

Nice.
Ooh!

And so I decided
to thin everything else out

and try and match it all up
and I went down,

I went down like that

and then I sort of slipped and
went straight through the trunk.

OK. Terrible. Gone. I think
you could have gone for the phrase

"I sort of slipped" a lot earlier.

So we need an answer.

So, David's team, is Kate
Amy's cohabiting colleague,

Jeremy's quaking quizzer

or Lee's bush buddy?

OK. I think I think it's Amy.
You think it's Amy?

I don't know, you know, I mean,

I think Lee could be plausible
but, hey. What?!

What did you say?!

No, no. Craig, Craig, Craig.

I think I'm having a meltdown
but I thought Lee was plausible.

No, no, never, no, no!

Craig.

Craig, I'm a big fan of yours,
and I've never said this before

on the show, but I like you so much,

it's not me.

I just don't want you to look stupid
on television.

Oh, my God!

I mean...

Just the bizarreness of it all.

Yeah.
Living in multioccupancy homes.

Students do that a lot, though.

Yeah, ships that pass in the night.

What's wrong with Jeremy's claim?

He's known as a cyclist.

Yes, he's known as a cyclist.

I don't doubt that he may own
a penny-farthing.

What I doubt is that, you know,
in a busy recording day,

a contestant is nervous and
Jeremy suggests,

and this suggestion is accepted,

that the best thing to do
to calm the nervous quizzer down

is to cycle around in front
of them on a penny-farthing

and then she'll be fine.

The way you've just said that, though,

you've actually sold that to me now.
I think it's probably Jeremy.

No.
Craig.

I am a big fan of yours,

so I'm going to help you out,

it's not Jeremy either.

But that's it,
you're not having any more clues!

OK, David, it's time to make
your decision.

Look, obviously now Lee's said that,
I'm full of doubt!

But you think it's Amy. Amy.

I think it's Amy.

And I think your... Go with Amy.
...your judgment of truth

might need recalibrating.
So you're saying that it's Amy.

Yeah, yeah. OK. OK.

Kate, would you please reveal
your true identity?

I'm Kate,

and Jeremy calmed me down
cycling his penny-farthing.

No way! No way!

No way. No way!

Yes, Kate is
Jeremy's quaking quizzer.

Thank you very much, Kate.

Well done, Kate. Brilliant.

Which brings us to our final round,
Quickfire Lies,

and we start with...

It's David.

Possession.

Ah, now, then. There's a box
just behind you, David.

Um, could you, first of all,
take the item out of the box

and then read the card.

This is the worst ventriloquist act
I've ever seen.

This is Big Goose.

I can see your lips moving!

Um...

This is Big Goose.

I was given her by a fairground
worker as an apology

after I snagged my chinos
riding his helter-skelter.

Ooh.

Right. Lee's team.

This year, or...?

Uh, last year.

The helter-skelter people
normally don't give prizes.

Why did he have that?

Well, he was working at a place
where some of the other things

there gave prizes.

Yeah. I think that...

So he said to you, "I'm really sorry
that you snagged your chinos.

"Wait there, I'm just going to try
and throw three table tennis ba*ls

"into a fishbowl." I...

"I might be some while
so I'll just..."

Was that Big Goose's name
when he arrived in your family

or is that something that
you've christened him or her?

Well, sorry.

Uh, so... Sure it's not bird flu?

Talk us through the event.

Yes. What motivated you to do it
at all,

cos I don't see you
as a helter-skelter kind of guy.

Well, I was there with my daughter,

she wanted to go
on the helter-skelter,

I said I'd go with her
and we shared a mat.

So you've gone
all the way to the top.

Did you have to have a little break
halfway up?

No, I don't remember that, no.
I was, you know...

Oh, you blacked out.
So I was quite...

You get to the top
of the helter-skelter and you say...

"Look, darling,
one day all this will be yours."

And you sit down on the mat,
you pop her in front of you

and you begin to hurtle
round and round and round!

What happens then?

To be honest, I was trying to manage
the pace to a certain extent.

How were you doing that?
Just with my feet.

Putting them out to the sides.
A little bit. Aw.

Well, it's your fault
you snagged 'em.

It didn't say you couldn't have
your feet to the full width

of the channel provided.

It didn't say
we won't rip your chinos, did it?

I would say it's an implied contract

with any such entertainment activity

that your clothing won't be damaged.
What if the rollerco...?

And I think that WOULD stand up
in court, and do you know what?

So did the fairground worker,

and he thought, "We'd better
head off trouble here -

"a major celebrity has damaged his
extremely expensive,

"beautifully cut trousers."

Ooh. Was there someone else there?

"Goose him!

"Goose him as hard as you can!"

And do you consider Big Goose
to be adequate compensation?

Never mind that, do you consider
yourself a major celebrity?

When you went round
the helter-skelter,

you caught your chinos on something.

Yeah, yeah. Did you have any chance
to see what it was?

I think it was a little bit
of sticking out metal.

Did you scream in agony
when it caught you?

No, it didn't hurt because

I don't have any nerve endings
in my trousers.

Do you know what, David?

I don't think you have any feeling
in your trousers whatsoever.

And never have.

So what do you think, Amy?
Is he telling the truth?

I think it's a lie.

He's handling that goose

as if he hasn't handled a goose before.

I think he's handling it
with affection.

That was the key...
that was the key insult.

Obviously... The obvious affection
between him and the goose.

Ah, I'm so sorry about this,
Big Goose.

So, what are you going to say, Lee?

Yeah, we're gravitating towards lie,
aren't we? I think lie.

You think it's a lie. OK.

David, was it true or was it a lie?

It was, as far as I recall,

a lie.

Yes, it's a lie.

David wasn't given Big Goose
at the fair.

That noise signals time is up.

It's the end of the show.
I can reveal

that it's a draw,
with two points each.

Beautiful.

Thanks for watching.
We'll see you next time. Goodnight.