17x02 - Episode 2

[bunniefuu]

Good evening, welcome to Would I
Lie To You, the show with

naked truths and well-dressed lies.

On David Mitchell's team tonight,
she's the BBC Sports presenter,

back for her seventh appearance,
it's Gabby Logan.

And he found fame on Britain's Got
Talent, it's comedian Jack Carroll.

And on Lee Mack's team tonight,
an award-winning writer

and comedian, it's Bridget Christie.

And the BAFTA-winning host of
Big Zuu's Big Eats,

it's Big Zuu.

And so we begin with Round 1,
Home Truths, where our panellists

read out a statement from
the card in front of them.

To make things harder,
they've never seen the card before,

so they've no idea what
they'll be faced with.

It's up to the opposing team to
sort the fact from the fiction.

Gabby is first tonight.

The morning after a party at
my house I went down to breakfast

to find Harry Redknapp asleep
in our utility room.

Yeah, that's happened to me as well.

Please tell me Harry was invited.

He was invited.
He was there the night before?

Yes, he was at the party, yes.

And what was Harry sleeping on
in your utility room?

So we've got dogs.
He wasn't sleeping on the dogs?!

Sleeping on the dogs.

That's outrageous!

So we have dog baskets.

Not those, like, hard dog baskets,
but soft... I know what you mean.

He wasn't supposed to be
sleeping there. No.

He'd lost his way during the night,
and... Right.

The utility room is off the kitchen,
which has got a bit of a snug

in it, and so he maintains that
he thought he'd gone back

into the snug and he'd sat down
and they looked very inviting,

the dog baskets, but... Yeah, yeah. Yeah.

And was he with Sandra?
He was with Sandra.

Of course he was with Sandra.
Were they sleeping together?

They had a room for the night.
In your house?

Yeah. Wow. Sandra was in
the cat box. Yeah.

Was he still dressed in his party
clothes?

No, he was in pyjamas.

How did Harry react when he saw you
looking down at him?

He was like this and he went,
"Oh, I'm sorry, love!"

And he kind of...
He looked quite shocked.

Was he auditioning for Mary Poppins?

Where were the dogs?

They don't actually
sleep in the utility normally.

They sleep with Sandra, don't they?
They...

In winter time, some of the floors
are heated,

so they go to heat... We've got
an Aga so they sleep in front of

the Aga. That's true. Animals do
go to heated floors. You managed

to get in that you've got heated
floors and an Aga in one sentence.

And a utility room
and a spare bedroom for guests.

Luckily Harry didn't fall into
the swimming pool late at night.

What are you thinking, Zuu?
Does this sound feasible to you?

It's not adding up to me.

It's the spare room part
that I can't imagine.

You can't believe I've got a spare
bedroom? No, I believe you have
a spare bedroom.

How many spare rooms do you have?

I'm not going to divulge that
information to you.

Quite a few spare rooms, yeah.
Quite a few.

It's like a hotel.

I think we're focusing on the wrong
things here. Yes, that's true.

I don't think the number of bedrooms
is relevant.

I think what's relevant...

Yes, Bridget?

...is whether he
ended up in your...

Can I just say, you just said "he"
like you'd forgotten his name, then.

You have forgotten his name,
haven't you?

Harry Redknapp.
Yes, him.

He's, what, 70 something?

Yeah, he's in his mid-70s.

I... You like your bed when you're


He slept in the jungle
for three weeks.

That's a very good point.
On a travel cot.

Yeah, to be fair, though...
But he got paid for that.

Yeah, he wasn't being paid...

All right, what are you going to
say, Lee? Zuu?

I don't believe it. I'm saying
it's a lie.

Lie. Well, then, I'll go with
these two and say it's a lie.

You're saying it's a lie, OK.

Gabby, were you telling the truth
or were you telling a lie?

It is...

...a lie. Oh!

Thank you. Thank you for
believing in us. Almost!

Yes, it's a lie. Gabby didn't
find Harry Redknapp asleep

in her utility room.
Big Zuu, you're next.

Um, I recently wrote a rap
about the benefits

of sensible pension planning.

Oh, you've got David's interest.

Could you do a bit of that rap
or...?

Oh, I don't really remember it.

You've forgotten it?
Yeah, it was a while back.

You said recently.

Oh, yeah!

Oh, listen, I'm new here.

How did it come about?

I do a lot of adverts for people
and they want me to rap for them.

I'm a musician as well,
as well as a TV chef.

I normally rap about stuff
for money.

You're very honest about it.

And so you were commissioned by,
essentially, an advertising agency?

Yeah, the pensions
from the government.

Do you remember
any of the lines from the rap?

Um, I know a part that went...

♪ Pensions!

♪ Pensions! ♪

I'm going to say something. As an
actor, often when you finish a show,

the whole thing goes.

As soon as you have done your last
show, you cannot remember a thing.

Only he didn't, cos he just sang
two lines.

That's the bit I remember.
No, no, what he did, Gabby,

was he went...
♪ Pensions

♪ Pensions! ♪

What he should have done is
put a little bit of the rap away

each month and then, you know...

Can you remember the specifics
of what the rap

was trying to get across?

It was about just taking away
the stigma of pensions.

Stigma! I don't think they...

People aren't
ashamed of their pensions.

I think they're...
I mean, my parents,

I think they're quite pleased
they've got pensions.

They're happy to take their pension
money and use it to live with.

And have you remembered any more
of it in the intervening minutes?

I'm under a lot of pressure
right now. Yes.

So I can't. Tension. There's a lot
of tension about the pensions.

That'll do. There you go,
he's writing my lyrics now.

Oh!

So what do you reckon?

I'm not aware of a recent government
campaign to raise awareness

and get rid of the stigma
of pensions among young people.

I don't think you not being aware
of this campaign should direct us

in one way or another, because
I don't think your algorithm

is what they would aim Big Zuu's
adverts at.

You get those walk in bath
adverts, don't you?

Come on, then, David Mitchell.

So you think it might be true.

Um, I'm weighing towards truth.

Yeah, I think it's true.
We're going to go true, then.

OK. You're going to go with
your team.

Zuu, they think it's true.
Was it true or was it a lie?

It is true.

Yeah!

Well, it would be lovely to hear
a bit more than...

♪ Pension. ♪
Oh, my God!

♪ I never thought when I was
a young man sitting in detentions

♪ That I'd be talking about pensions

♪ Yeah? You've got to pay your
pension some attention

♪ I try to put the young Gs
in the right direction

♪ Let's change the perception

♪ It's all right for you
to ask questions. ♪

You understand?

Yeah, it's true, Big Zuu did
write a rap about pension planning.

Bridget, you're next. Right.

I once dropped and ruined
the birthday cake at a kid's party,

but told everyone a friend's
three-year-old did it.

David's team. Ooh!

Whose party was it?

It was my child's friend.

And describe the circumstances
where this accident occurred.

I went to get the cake.

From where? The kitchen.
So the main party is where...?

In the living room.
In the living room, right.

You go to the kitchen to
get the cake. Yes.

What happens? I put the candles
in it. Yeah.

My sister gets the matches.

Why would your sister be
at the party of your child's friend?

She's always around. So
it was at your house? Yes.

Even though it's not your child's...

My friend lives in a very
small place

and I've got a bigger living room.

I didn't mean that to be
accusatory. Right.

I was just surprised. Yes.

I'll tell you what, Gabby, I bet you
could host it at your house,
couldn't you?

So some of the little kids come in,
and then I was just...

I was being a bit silly and
I sort of do like a waiter thing.

Pretended to do that, yes.

And then my...

...cat ran in...

...and jumped on the table,
the kitchen table.

So you're holding the cake like
this? I am.

In the shot putt position.
Yeah. Yes.

Everything's sport with you,
isn't it?

Then I see a...

...wuh... A whale? A what?

A whale, did you say?

This is so awful,
I can barely say it.

I can tell.

There was a worm coming
out of my cat's bum.

Ooh, wow.

Right. Unbelievable.

We weren't expecting that. No.

So the cat's on the table.
Oh, God, David.

You spot... Yeah, and I go crazy,
like, it's a birthday party!

My face goes burning hot red
because, you know,

there's a lot of the mums,
they're a bit middle class...

They won't like that, the worm.

I don't think you have to be middle
class to take against a worm

coming out of a cat's bottom.
Tell us what happens next.

Well, Rob, you won't be surprised
to know that

I forgot all about the cake.

Of course. And I just dropped it.

I just ran towards the cat.

Did you custard pie your cat in
the process?

Yes, where did...? On the bum?
No, did...?

Oh, goodness me!

With the cake? You enveloped
the cat's infested bum

with a three-year-old's
birthday cake?

That's not the sort of treatment
they'd advise.

You didn't hit the cat with
the cake? No. I wouldn't...

But the cake goes to the floor?
Where does the cat go?

I've got the cat, haven't I? You've
got the cat, you've lost the cake.

You're holding the cat,
the three-year-olds...

I don't hold it cos it's got
a worm. What are you doing? I do
that with it. That is holding it.

You're holding the cat at
arm's length, and your sister?

She's drinking her wine.

But at a birthday a cake is
a central piece

and you have dropped it. Yeah.

So what did you do next?

I just did that. Oh, no, no, no.
You squashed it back together?

Yes. OK.

You're taking the cake through,
the cake looks a bit wonky

and you say to one of the mums, what?

Sorry, the kids got under my feet.

Oh, just the kids, plural?

The mum said, "Not mine, I hope."

And I said, "Well, yeah, it was,
but it doesn't matter."

Oh! Oh, Bridget.
Oh, dear, dear.

I hope this isn't true. Yeah.

Do you think it's true?
I think it's very, very plausible.

Yeah, I think the detail of
the parasitic worm

has just tipped it over the edge
for me. I think it must be true.

OK, I think that's a good
enough reason.

Parasitic worm, true.

They think you're telling the truth.

Were you telling the truth or
was it all a lie?

It was...

Whoa!

Our next round is called This is My,
where we bring on a mystery guest

who has a close connection to
one of our panellists.

This week each of David's team
will claim it's them

that has the genuine connection
to the guest.

It's up to Lee's team to spot
who's telling the truth.

So please welcome this week's
special guest, Alistair.

So, Gabby, what is Alistair to you?

This is Alistair.

I once mistakenly texted him
a very embarrassing photograph.

Oh, right.

Jack, how do you know Alistair?

This is Alistair.

He's the escapologist I helped
on Britain's Got Talent after

he got locked in his dressing room.

And David. Now, what is your
relationship with Alistair?

This is Alistair.

I once waited till it was very late,

then crept out of my house
to oil his squeaky gate.

Lee, where do you want to start?

Well, we'll start with Gabby.
When was this?

Four years ago.
What was the photograph?

Are you allowed to say on television
what it was? Yeah.

Part of your body? Yes.

Oh, can we guess? No.

Please, please, can we guess? I'll
give you three guesses. Three?

Mm. Well, I know what my first
two are.

OK, just tell me.
I had a really big spot

and I texted a picture of the spot.

Where was the spot?

It was somewhere on my...
Like, around here.

And you were sending that
to your GP? No.

I meant to send it to the make-up
artist I was working with.

OK. Right, and what's her name?

Um, Alison. Ah!

That was great thinking. That was.
That was great thinking.

I've got problems at the moment,
actually, here,

but I didn't text ahead...

...to say, "Here's this, do you think
you'll be OK covering this?"

Was that the idea? Um, no,
it was quite late at night and...

Harry Redknapp had just gone to bed.

It was quite late at night
and we were working together

the next day, I think, and so
I just thought it'd be funny to

tell her to make sure she brings
all her equipment.

And what relationship is
Alistair to you?

He works for the Premier League.
Can he do things like get

free tickets and stuff?

Yeah. Cos I'll send him any
photograph of me if he can do that.

He does like, you know, um, initiatives.

Initiatives. Initiatives. Right. OK.

When the footballers go and do
good things, he sorts all that out.

Oh, like, liaisons. Yeah.
He's like a liaison guy.

So you had been texting
Alistair earlier? No.

Because often what happens with me,

when I send something to the wrong
person is I've been in

a conversation with someone else and
they're, like, the next one down.

I don't normally go to my contacts,
get the name of the person

and then make a mistake that way.

Well, we all make mistakes
different ways, don't we? Yeah.

Wow, wow! She's at that point.

Well, you wouldn't mess with Gabby,
would you?

Was there a message with the photo?

Oh, here's... Here's a big
boy for you to...

Here's a big boy for you to sort
out? Here's a big boy
for you to sort out.

Now, what about Jack?
Remind us of your statement, Jack.

This is Alistair.

He is the escapologist who
I freed from his dressing room

when we were both on
Britain's Got Talent. Right.

I remember you being on it,
but what year was this? 2013.

So how old were you, then?
I was 14.

Did you win it? I came second,
thanks for reminding me.

Oh, sorry.

Do you get anything for second?
Um...

They say you can go on
Would I Lie To You ten years later.

So Alistair wasn't actually on
the show.

He was in the dressing room of
a magician who was on the show,

he was helping him with the tricks,

and I was in the dressing room
adjacent to the magician.

Right. Yeah.

The escapologist was just
helping the magician?

Yeah, he was carrying the boxes
and dummying up all his tricks.

So how did you help?
How did you get him out?

I heard a kind of muffled noise
and he said,

"Can you get me out, please?"

And I said, "Can you not, you know,
do it yourself?"

Where were you? In your dressing
room? I was in my dressing room.

So it's like an adjoining
room kind of thing.

So he was trying the door that was
locked that leads into your
dressing room?

Yes. And he said,
"Can you let me out?" Yeah, cos...

And you said, "You're trying
the wrong door, mate."

Cos there would be another door,
wouldn't there?

Yeah, no, there was
only one door to get through.

Basically it was because...
Yeah, so...

So there's only
inter-connecting doors?

There's no door that goes out into
a corridor. Cos they were like

those Portakabin type things.
They're not...

Can he get out any other way than
through your dressing room? No.

Did your other door go into the
next dressing room? Yeah.

So to get you have to go through
loads of people's dressing rooms?

Yeah, so we each had our own...
Oh! What?

I've never heard of the like,
have you?

Can I ask a question?

I do remember that year, actually.

Was this the year there was a real
shortage of front doors?

So the magician is where?

The magician is out rehearsing.
He'd vanished.

For all the family,
for all the family to enjoy.

Jack, you were 14, so would you not
have to have somebody with you?

A chaperone. Yes. Yeah.

They'd gone to get coffee.

Wow. Through which door?

Did you get him out or not?
Yeah, it was very mundane.

Basically I went and got one of
the production staff.

They came in and said, "We've got
the master key." And just, yeah,

opened the door. This is your first
time seeing him since then? Yeah.

How does it feel?
I'm not going to lie,

I don't recall the details of
his face

particularly or anything,
it's a long time ago.

But you're sure it is him?

Well, I mean... Just cos I think
it might be my next door neighbour.

Right, what about David's claim?

Just to remind us, David,
about your next door neighbour.

This is Alistair.
I once waited till it was very late,

then crept out of my house
to oil his squeaky gate.

You seem very angry. Oh, that's
just David. I get a lot of that.

Why at night-time?

Well, I was hoping that the night
would provide, you know,

subterfuge, the cover of dark.
What were you wearing?

I don't recall what I was wearing.
Oh!

Is part of the reason you can't
recall it,

is because it didn't happen?

That, if you'll forgive me,
is something you're going to have to
work out.

David... David, there's so many other
things I haven't forgiven you for,

so I'm not going to start now.

My wife sends her love.

How long was the gate squeaking for
before you chose to take action?

It had been squeaking for weeks.

Oh! Oh! But was it just a little
"ee-ee"

or was it a "ee-ew-eee-eee?"

It depend... It...

That's what my cat sounded like
when I threw...

The squeak was I'd say at about
that sort of pitch,

but it was however long
the gate was moving for.

And how often is that gate moving?
How regular are people coming?

Well, this was the thing. Alistair
had moved in quite recently.

A couple of weeks before this event.

He'd only been in there for a couple
of weeks and you're interfering
with his gate?

Good God!

I'd only known David a week before
he started interfering with my wife.

To be fair, he stopped her legs
squeaking, I'll give him that.

What did he say? "He stopped her
legs squeaking, I'll give him that."

Wasn't that a lovely moment,
as young Jack

explained the joke to David?

And David went like that. He went...

Most amusing. Um...

...anyway, the thing is

I'd had a troubled relationship
with Alistair's predecessors

and I didn't want to get off on
the wrong foot.

But this gate was quite annoying.

Had it been annoying with the
previous tenants? It had a bit, yes,

but we'd had various... We exchanged
a lot of emails, and so...

Now the big question. Yes. Cos
I know what David's like with DIY.

How did you oil it?

Silicon spray.

You once said to me you don't
have any tools in your house.

In my previous residence,
before I was married,

I didn't have a hammer or
a screwdriver.

So how do you k*ll them?

Anecdotes.

Where did you spray it, David?

Er, just all over.

I sprayed it on myself
and I just held the gate.

Alistair, he leaves his house for
the first time since you've oiled

the gate. Do you look out the window
and see him go through and go...?

Well, I'll tell you why none of
that happened was because when

I was spraying the gate, he came out
and asked me what I was doing.

What? Oh, my God.

And I then leapt in with
the explanation.

All right, we need an answer.
So, Lee's team,

is Alistair Gabby's photo friend,

Jack's BGT buddy
or David's noisy neighbour?

I think it's David's neighbour.
Why?

Because he didn't look at him
when he came out.

What are you thinking, Zuu?

I'm agreeing with the body language
thing. I feel like

there's a little bit of hatred
between you two, you and Alistair.

There's only one thing that
makes me doubt that. Mm?

Which is that Alistair only reacted
to Gabby's story.

Nah, but he's not giving me
Premier League initiative vibes.

Why?

I'm sorry. If that's your job,
I'm so sorry, but...

Mate, I don't care what he says,

I think you're doing a great job
and can I have some tickets?

But he's dressed like an
escapist as well.

He does look like an escapologist,
I'll give you that.

OK, it's time to decide.

I think that my team might be right.

I think it might be David

because he's very easily irritated,
that man.

OK, you're saying it's David.
Right, here we go.

Alistair, would you please
reveal your true identity?

I'm Alistair and Gabby sent me
an embarrassing photo. Oh!

Yes, Alistair is Gabby's
photo friend.

Thank you very much, Alistair.

Which brings us to our final round,
Quickfire Lies.

We start with...

It's Lee.

Because I kept arriving late,
a mime artist once asked me

to leave his mime class in mime.

David. Is that true or a lie?

The problem I've got, David,
is I am a bit of a purist

when it comes to mime, so I'm not
willing to talk during this round.

Do you know what, Lee?

I am fine with that.

Set the scene for us.
What sort of a day was it?

So it was a hot, sunny day and what
had you been doing that morning?

Suddenly you remembered the time.

You had to get to your mime class.

How did you get there?

Oh, your wife giving you
a piggy back again.

Oh, you've forgotten something!

You turn round, you're cycling back.

Back into the house.

Oh, you've got your heavy briefcase.

Yeah, yeah.

You're blowing up a balloon!

Oh!

Oh, and now you're
on the briefcase. Lovely.

And you get to the... Oh, hang on,
hang on, there's a wind!

It's a terrible wind.

But then you're getting closer
to the mime class.

Oh, you have a rest.

Into the building you go.

Opening the door, closing the door.

Opening another door. You...

You're in Jack Carroll's
dressing room.

Finally you arrive at the class.

How is the teacher? What's
his reaction when he sees you?

Oh, he's not happy.

He's not happy,
and what about the other students?

They're not as committed as you,
are they? So what happens next?

Oh, you accuse somebody!

What? This is you.

He's accusing you. He's angry.

Two, two words. It's a film.

You.

You go over there.

You have a fight with the man,
with the mime teacher.

Yes! Oh, it's horrible,
it's horrible.

So he must have been
very angry at that?

You k*ll him. No, that's you!
He's been hitting you!

But why? You're such an
unirritating man.

He looks at the watch.

Look at this time, you're late.
You're late for the class.

And you, you say...

Well... Oh, you've been kissing
with your wife.

You've been... With... He!
Oh, right.

David! That's why you're angry.

He says, "Get out, I don't care
if he's been having an affair,

"you're late and I won't put up with
lateness."

And you, then...
Oh, you're sad.

Aw. Aw.

There's much more to him as an
actor than you might think. Yes.

And you leave and you k*ll David.

There it is.

So, Jack, what are you thinking?

I think if he has learned mime,

then it was worth every penny.

Aw! It was.

He can definitely do mime.
Yes, he can do mime.

But if that story's true, does that
mean the contents of that story...?
That's not...?

I am not having an affair
with his wife.

It's time to decide. It might
be true, cos it feels like he's

had some mime training.
Shall we say true?

Shall we say true?
You're saying true? We'll say true.

All right, they're saying
it's true.

Lee, was it true or was it a lie?

Aw.

That noise signals time is up,
it's the end of the show.

And I can reveal that David's team
have two points

and Lee's team have three.

Thanks for watching, we'll
see you next time. Goodnight.