04x09 - The Unseen Bits

[bunniefuu]

Tonight on Would I Lie To You?
The Unseen Bits...

Ruth Jones.

Ronnie Corbett.

Keeley Hawes.

John Bishop, Richard E Grant,

Jason Manford, Joanna Page,

Stephen Mangan, Fern Britton,

Patrick Kielty, Bernard Cribbins,

and their team captain,
David Mitchell.

And facing them tonight, Jack Dee,

Patsy Palmer, Martin Clunes,
Julian Clary,

Professor Brian Cox, Chris Addison,

Sanjeev Bhaskar,

Kevin Bridges, Deborah Meaden,

Peter Serafinowicz, Holly Walsh

and their team captain, Lee Mack.

And your host, Rob Brydon!

Brian, you're first.
Please reveal all.

I once caused the Hadron Collider
to be shut down

after I split yoghurt in it.

Do you know what?
I believe it already.

David's team. Paint the picture
of a day working at the Collider.

Not literally.
We'll be here all night.

What's the access point
of the Collider like?

I'm imagining it's like
a room with computers in.

I don't imagine people
are sort of wandering round

the actual tube bit finding
a little corner to have lunch.

During construction,
then we had to go in.

And I was responsible for a bit
that's about 420m

from the point
at which we create the big bangs

and you test bits
when it was all done

and I was in there
having my yoghurt... Sorry.

Whoo! You can tell why
he's a success with the ladies.

"Never mind that, love.
What you drinking?"

Someone went past me on a bike,
because you ride bikes around it,

they nudged my arm
and I split the yoghurt
onto an electrical connection.

And this was during construction?
Yes. During the test of my piece.

So it didn't all
have to be shut down?

No, just an octant.
We can shut it down in eighths.

Right. I think he knew
what an octant was.

That was for you. That was for me.
All right.

Can I ask you a technical question?

What flavour was the yoghurt?

It was one of those
rather flavourless Swiss yoghurts.

So there are people in there
on bikes.
Yeah, it's 27km in circumference.

So they go round on bikes.
It sounds like Center Parcs.

Which part of it did you drop
the yoghurt into or onto?

There are pieces called... I'm going
to go into chat-up mode again.

Called... Oh, go on!
Superconducting cables.

SHE MOANS

If you cool them down to 1.9 degrees
above absolute zero...
My favourite temperature.

..they become superconductors with
no electrical resistance and can
carry 13,000 amps in small wires.

So in layman's terms... A wire.
..is it a wire?

Is it a wire? Did you get yoghurt
on a wire?

LAUGHTER
It's a niobium-tungsten alloy.

Sorry?
It's a niobium-tungsten alloy.

I'm not saying it's not
a brilliant wire. THE wire.

As David well knows,
because they're superconducting...

I might well know as well.

You two flirting with each other.
I might know as well.

Tell me, you b*tch.

I'm very flattered, Brian,
but I did history.

I know that Hitler's dead
and that's it.

And, Professor,
how long was it closed down for?

About three months. Three months?
As a result of what you did?

We had to replace that piece
of the machine. Oh, my God.

That's quite expensive.
That's why I'm on telly,
trying to work off the debt.

It's why he's here. Why do you think
I'm doing this? I don't know...

I... I'd be in Geneva if I had
any respect left at all.

They said, "Get out there. Get out
there, wh*re yourself around."

He's just come
from Hole In The Wall.

Did you own up straightaway
or did you say, "He nudged me!

"The guy on the bike."

I had sticky-up hair
and a completely sooty face

because it went up.
I couldn't deny it.

It just went...
Did you then take your goggles off?

And... I did!

Did you take them off
and did you go,

"Marty, we gotta get
to the DeLorean quick!"

So, David, let's take a guess.
What do you think?

Three months, that's a big...

I just wonder whether he'd be ready
to bring it up on a comedy show.

So with that in mind,
what do you think?

I think it's a lie. You know,
I'm just in awe of the sciency
stuff.

If he says he dropped yoghurt
on a wire, then he dropped yoghurt
on a wire.

I think it's a lie.
I think so. You think it's true?

I think it's true.

Well, let's be democratic
and say it's a lie.

You're saying it's a lie.
OK, Professor Brian Cox,

is it the truth
or were you telling a lie?

It was a lie.
APPLAUSE

Well done.

It was a lie.

Right, Martin Clunes,
you're up next.

Right.

Sometimes, I change the order in
which I put my shoes and socks on

to spice up my daily routine.

David's team. Are we to take it
that sometimes you put
your shoes on first?

Don't be mean!

Of course not. What a silly
question. Of course I don't.

So what's the normal, then? Which is
normal? I mix it up, keep it fresh,

to stop this thing becoming a
drudgery because I do it every day.

When I'm working,
several times a day.

Why several times a day?

Well, as leading actor, I have
to change my costume all day long.

It drives me mad.

So when you're doing Doc Martin,
you don't stay in the one outfit?
I have at least eight suits.

Martin, you don't need to change
your socks every time.

You're familiar with my feet,
are you?

No, I certainly am not.

So we're saying then, Martin, that
you do it just to spice things up?

You can either... You're
presented with two pairs of feet,
two shoes, two socks...

Two pairs of feet?

APPLAUSE
Two pairs of feet.

Is that not the norm?

Two feet, two socks, two shoes,
they've all got to marry up,

so sometimes I'll put both socks on,
then both shoes on,

or sometimes I'll put a sock on
and then that shoe

and then that sock
and then that shoe,

just to stop myself going stale.

You know what I do sometimes,
and this is true,

I sometimes put my socks on
before I put my pants on

and I find that vaguely erotic.

You're there -
Fern, picture it -

you're there with - long socks,
in my case - your socks on

and nothing else on, just socks.

I tell you what I do, sometimes,
nakedly, I put my tackle between
my legs and pretend I'm a woman.

You should never, never
put your socks on, as a man,

without any trousers.

Really? Why? Just don't.
Look at yourself!

I do. I have once.

An early girlfriend,

by which I don't mean
she was a sort of cave person,

she was one of the girlfriends
I had earlier in my life,

she said, "Never, never do that,"
and it's stuck with me.

Really? I like it. So this whole
getting dressed is quite awkward.

It's not awkward, it's varied.

No, you've got to get your pants
and trousers on before...

the whole sock, shoe... They've
all got to go on at some point.

David, truth or lie? Fern?
I'm going to say it's a lie.

Lie from Fern. David?

All right... I think it's true.
You think it's true.
I thought it might be.

I'm going to say I think it's true.

OK. Martin Clunes, is it the truth
or is it a lie?

It's absolutely true!

APPLAUSE
Well done. Well done, boys.

Our next round is called
the Ring of Truth,

in which I read out
an amazing celebrity fact

and all our teams have to do is
decide whether it's true or not.

So, teams, take a look at this.

She's not really spiteful,
but she's a bit afraid now. Is she?

CAT HISSES

Brandy, now stop it.
Brandy, now stop it.

Ooh! Stop it!

You've got to be careful.

Yeah. Brandy!

YOWLING

You're a little horror. Coo!

Have we not got update on Brandy
to see how he is now?

Well, it was 15 years ago.
I think we know. Oh, is it?

They can live 25 years, cats.

You haven't seen him for 15 years,
Julian, but he's here tonight.

ROB SNARLING AND YOWLING

Get in there!
BANGING

I actually like cats.
Oh, yes, you like cats

but you'll mime smashing them.

Yes. Smashing a dangerous cat

that posed a threat
to our audience.

Oh! And one of Britain's
most beloved comedians. Ah!

Stamp on it again.

APPLAUSE

Here's the related fact, OK,
related to cats, for both teams.

Is that true? Both teams.

When they say a pet chef,
that's presumably... A chef for
pets.

A chef for pets. Not a Jack Russell
or a working c*ck spaniel

in a hat.

HE MAKES DOG NOISES

What are the courses
in a cat three-course dinner?

Yeah, what's the menu?
I shall tell you.

Veal Or No Veal.
AUDIENCE GROANING

APPLAUSE

I am actually ashamed of myself.
I feel quite sick.

If it gets run over,
it's wheel or no wheel.

If the cat was a fishing
enthusiast... Shut up!

The cat is called Marmalade
and is three years old.

Marmalade's favourite meal is
smoked salmon roll-ups,

followed by... Roll-ups?

LEE INHALING
I tell you what, I was tripping
off my face, I tell you.

At one point, I thought
I was living with Noel Edmonds.
Honestly, I was off my t*ts.

Smoked salmon,
followed by carpaccio of tuna...

SCOTTISH ACCENT
..with salted butter ice cream
for afters.

Sounds better in your...
I was doing Ronnie. Yes?

I thought you were.

On Marmalade's last birthday,
the pet chef made a birthday cake

in the shape of
a Deal Or No Deal box.

Oh, my God. When you say in the
shape of, you mean a rectangular
cake?

Yes. I think even I could stretch
to that, yes.

Here's my problem with it. Yes?

Why only once a week? I'll tell you.

He hires the pet chef
one night over the weekend,

so his cat can enjoy a treat.

As a treat for my chickens...
My Maureen's been broody for weeks

and I haven't got a c*ck
at the moment,

for reasons I won't go into.

Anyway, the other day,
my neighbour found on the lawn

an abandoned duck egg.

So we've slipped the duck egg
under Maureen

and in a few weeks' time,
she'll hatch out a duck.

Don't touch me. Sorry.

She'll be very upset, though. Why?

When the duck hatches. Well,
she'll just think it's a chicken.

She'll know it's not a chicken.

I'm with you. The shape
of the mouth and everything.

She'll be furious
when she sees the bill. Yes!

Very good.
APPLAUSE

So let's take a guess then.

Which way are you heading here, Lee?

I think it's true. You think it's
true. Holly? I think it's true.

OK, we'll go for true.
OK, David's team.

I don't think it's true.
Have you met Noel Edmonds? Oh, yes.

Has Ronnie Corbett met Noel Edmonds?

Do bears...?

Meet Noel Edmonds?

Of course! He's met everybody.

There's nobody he hasn't met.
He's Ronnie Corbett.

He's probably met Elvis.

I thought it likely
that Ronnie had met Noel Edmonds.

I was on the House Party a lot.
I played the butler.

Yes! He's played the butler
on the House Party.

I mean, you insult the man,
you insult the man.

Why don't you ask him, "Were you
ever in a famous double act with
another man with a similar name?"

Unbelievable!
APPLAUSE

Oh, David!

Oh! Oh! And he loves you for it.
Typical.

And yet when I touch him, nothing.

Security.

Right, what do you think?
I think it's a lie. A lie?

You think it's a lie?
I think it's a lie.

We think it's a lie. You think
it's a lie, you think it's true.

Someone's going to be right.
It is actually...

a lie.

Yes! Noel Edmonds does not employ
a pet chef once a week

to cook a three-course dinner
for his cat.

That's the kind of thing
a lunatic would do

but as it turns out, he doesn't.

Which brings us to our final round,
Quick Fire Lies,

in which our panellists lie
not only through their teeth
but also against the clock.

We're starting with...

BEEP
John. John Bishop. OK.

I was asked to leave the cinema
for crying too loud.

Lee's team, do you believe that?

What was the film?

Rocky.

Rocky? Rocky. The first one.

Rocky. Which bit did you cry at?

I cried at the bit at the end.
Which bit is that?

When it looked like
he was getting beaten.

All his dreams were encapsulated
in that one moment

and you know... And you cried?
I'd been through a lot. Yeah.

How old were you?
I would've been in my early 20s.

I had... Whoa, whoa, slow that down.

You were in your early 20s in 1977?

Was it '77? No, let me think.

Actually, it was about '75,
wasn't it, Rocky?

No, no... That makes you 55.

I would have been a teenager,
definitely. The reason...

Are you minusing some years off,
John?

No, the reason it was emotional
for me was because

it wasn't a friend of mine,
it was a friend of me brother's
who was a boxer

who'd had a terrible accident.

You think...

Do you honestly think...?

Do you honestly believe...
that you could come on this show...?

You should've been the age of six
but actually you were 20 odd.

And you have the audacity to pretend
you know about some invented boxer

to try and win us round and go,
"Oh, no, that's terrible!

"Of course we believe you, John.
What happened to him?"

It's a lie.
It's a blatant lie. Yeah.

You're saying it's a lie?
The biggest lie ever on this show.
Is it true or is it a lie?

It's t... a lie.

It's not true,
what John's been telling us

but I remember as a teenager
being advised not to watch Bambi
without a box of tissues handy.

You can imagine my disappointment.

Because I didn't cry.

Next.
BEEP

Oh, me. Right.

I used to put on a different voice
on the telephone

and pretend to be my own agent.

Oh! Let's have it, then.

The voice? Imagine I've just
rung up. "Hello?

"I'm the people that want
to book Rob Brydon. Yes?
How much would he cost?"

Er, I used to call him
Richard Knight...

ENGLISH ACCENT
..and Richard talked like this
and he'd say,

"Listen, love to help you out
but at that price,

"we're not going to make much
movement."

And I once did a charity gig
and er...

It's a lie.
He's never done charity gigs.

I got money for it
because Richard said,

"Listen, Rob's an angel and if
he knew, he'd never forgive me,

"but I've got to get a bit of money
otherwise I wouldn't be doing
my job."

Did you have a real agent? No.

So did you have a separate phone
number for your fake agent?

I used to work at the BBC in
Cardiff. I was on radio, I was a DJ.

If they got through to the office, I
would phone back under the guise...

When it came to important meetings,
did you take a disguise

and sit there and go,
"Rob's in the toilet at the moment

"but I'll go and get him now."

WELSH ACCENT
"Oh, I believe my agent said
I could do it.

"I do all the voices.
Ask me what it would be like
if I was talking to Ronnie Corbett.

"Go on, ask me.
Or Tom Jones. I can do him.

"If you don't believe me,
ask my agent. I'll go and get him."

I assume you've got an agent now,
so why did you decide to get one?

I have one now but I didn't then.
What convinced you you needed one?

Because it's very difficult to do
your own negotiations

and not come across
as a horrible person.

Richard Knight could say,
"Rob doesn't want money but I've got
to get money for the guy."

But they didn't know it was you.
That's the point, you idiot.
That's what I'm saying.

Did you have anybody else
on your books?

What's the sort of work that...?
Hosting things.

This is in the late '80s when I was
a local radio disk jockey.

Did the agent take a cut?

Did the agent phone you to let
you know you'd got the job?

No! I was the agent!

Did you ever fall out
with your agent?

No, it was me!

When you decided that this charade
had to finish,

did you take yourself out to dinner
and tell yourself
you were letting yourself go?

Are you still in touch?

Right, it's time to guess.

First of all,
Lee and those b*stards.

What are you going to go for?

I would say true.
Er, you think it's true? Yeah.

It's true?
In the words of Rob Brydon...

WELSH ACCENT
.."I think that's true."

You're saying it's true.
David and these arses?

What do you say? That is so true.
I think it is. I do.

I think it's true. Very well. Let me
buck the trend by telling you...

it's true.

Next.
BEEP

It's Jack.

All right.

Possession. OK. Reach under the
desk, take out the box underneath
there.

So if you just pop on...
It says, "This is the fez that
I put on to propose to my wife."

Let's see the fez, then, please,
Jack.

So there's the fez. There's the fez.

OK, David? OK. Why?

Well, we were on holiday.

Yeah, you should put it on, Jack,
so we can get an idea
of the romance of the moment.

You were on holiday in Cooper World.

Erm, we were on holiday

and there was a hat like this
in the bar

and I don't know why. They had
all sorts of knick-knacks in the
bar.

And this is the look I went
for, erm... to propose to her

because it seemed like a fun way
of breaking some very bad news.

What were you doing it for?
Was it because you were trying to be
different from your stage persona?

When you do a thing like that,
there's no rhyme or reason to it.

It's a bit of fun

and you didn't know that 20 years
later you'd be interrogated

by a group of people
who don't care about you at all.

Where were you? What sort of
situation...?

What location were you at
when you put the hat on?

Well, we were having drinks
after dinner.

Just imagine for a moment, then,
that I'm your now wife.

I would much rather not.

This is a game. I'm sat there
and I'm having a lovely time.

I've landed on my feet with Jack.

I could have gone out
with all sorts of people

but Jack's a hell of a guy
and out of the blue, you say this.

W...

Well, Rob, would you please...
Would you marry me?

Ah! What, just like that?

Yes. Really? As simple as that? Yes.
Did you really say it
just like that?

I did, without do anything, I know.

There wasn't even an ounce
of a joke in there.

OK, what are you going to say,
David? Is he telling the truth?

I think it's a lie. I don't think
he looks comfortable in a fez.
Who does?

What are you going to say?
I think it's a lie.

You're saying it's a lie. OK, Jack?
Is it the truth or is it a lie?

I'll have you know... it was a lie.

APPLAUSE

Next.
BEEP

It's Lee.

Every year, I mark the anniversary
of the death of my goldfish

by pouring a shot of brandy
into my pond.

Did this tradition predate
the death of your goldfish
by any chance?

No. No.
That was not the cause of the death.

Were there other fish that survived?

Yeah, I've got a pond in the garden

but the pond has nothing to do with
the death of the goldfish.

How many fish were in the pond?
Just one?

I'm not going to say this again,
Bernard.

Was the goldfish in the pond
when it died?

No.

The goldfish was not a pond
goldfish, it was a bowl goldfish,
was it, or a tank goldfish?

No, it was a tree goldfish,
actually.

Where did he live?
The goldfish lived in a bowl.

If the goldfish lived in a bowl...
Correct!

..why do you commemorate its death

by pouring brandy into
an alternative goldfish habitat?

Because we don't have...

Because when the goldfish died,
the bowl went.
Do any fish live in the pond?

There's...
HE GROANS

Are there fish in the pond?

If you pour brandy into a pond...
They're going to die as well.

So it's a legitimate question.
At no point, right,

did the original fish die
due to brandy being poured in...

No but now...
That's not what we're asking.
That's not what we're asking.

There's fish in the pond
but the amount of brandy
that I pour into the pond,

it's like the weakest cordial
you could ever drink.

Fish, Lee, fish are drinking
all the time.

Not brandy. Not alcohol, though.
There's brandy in the bloody water.

Yes, but it's then not brandy.
Brandy is...

It's brandy and water.
It's a weak brandy and water.

Brandy diluted is no longer brandy.

So when you put soda in brandy,
it's no longer brandy?

Soda in brandy? I can drink as much
as I like. You put soda in brandy?

Brandy and soda, yes. What kind of


Just one last question. Why do you
commemorate the death of a goldfish?

It doesn't matter, the death
of a goldfish. It might not to you.

It absolutely doesn't matter to me

but I suspect it doesn't matter
to you, either.
It matters to the wife.

The wife loved that goldfish
like a husband.

And so she said, "Do me a favour,
my beloved husband,

"show your respect
for this fish I so loved

"by annually pouring a shot of
brandy into the pond of these
other fish who I secretly hate

"and wish to destroy"?

So with that in mind, David,
what are you going to say?

Bernard? He's a liar.

Patrick? It's true.

No, it's not. He's a liar.

You're saying it's a lie?

OK, Lee. Is it true,
what you've just told us?

Or is it a lie?

It's absolutely

a lie.

APPLAUSE

We've done the show and
I didn't ask you, Peter, to do your
Terry Wogan impression. I feel bad.

AS WOGAN
Now, Rob, you know I don't do
a Terry Wogan impression.

Come, come, now, sir.

If I'm going to do my Terry Wogan,
surely you can do your Ken Bruce?

We've never done this before,
have we?

Well, thanks, Terry,

and it's me, Ken Bruce,
now in the morning...

Playing Beverley Craven and...
Oh, Ken, nobody cares.

They do, you know.

AS KEN BRUCE
And er... you might be interested
to know

that Terry and I will be
at the Arndale Centre in Manchester
for Children In Need

and you can strap on a black rhino
annihilator dildo

and make my eyes water for charity.

If only he'd studied harder,
Lee could have pursued a career
as an academic.

Ah, well, "aca-day-mia's loss is
comedy's loss.

Did you say...
Did you say "aca-day-mia"?

Yeah, I did. Yeah, I know.
I love those aca-day-mia nuts.

If you eat enough, you get an MA.

It's a very difficult job, this.
Is it?

You see, you see, Lee didn't fit
into t-traditional academic
categories.

AS STEPTOE
T-T-Traditional.
T-T-Traditional.

This joke about me being thick
is working out with you
not being able to read, is it?

T-t-traditional.

You say true, you say lie...
We said lie.

It is actually true.

Oh, I've got to press the button.
Sorry. We'll do it again.

Here we go.

Can you react the same way?
I forgot to press the button.

You say true, you say lie...
True, actually. We say true.

You say true... If you can't press
the button, I want points out of it.

I can press the button.

I may not being able to spot
a truth from a lie

but the button I've got.

You say true...
No, we're changing it to lie.

Here we go. Right. You say true...
No. ..you say lie.

These people want to go home.

Yes! So does Ronnie, yeah. God, yes.

He thinks he's recorded
a whole series tonight.

How long is this show
when it goes out?

Ten minutes.