01x04 - My Leonard Friend

[bunniefuu]

Your mum would've been so proud
seeing you look so grown up.

So, so proud.

She knew you were special.

And this week,
it's time to show the world, too.

THEY CACKLE

Oh, my God!

What the f*ck's that?

Look at the state of this muppet!

Presenting Christopher Boniface
Sixtus the Great Bellend!

Whoo!
LAUGHTER

I'm not gonna lie.

You look like you're off
to buy some sl*ves, lad. Oh, sir!


Me shine shoes, sir.

I qualified brain surgeon,

but Rishi say I need two jobs
or they send me to Rwanda.

Please tell them
this my second job, sir.

Please! Please!

Come 'ead.

It's careers week, boys.

This could be the first step
to the job

you're gonna do
for the rest of your lives.

Kind of important, don't you think?
Why?

Why? Because your job
gives you your purpose.

It's a part of your identity.

Lad, we're not like you.
We don't think you job defines you.


There's Maccies Mike!

Oi! Mike!

Do us a Big Mac, you sweaty gherkin!

Ha-ha-ha!

# He shags gherkins

# He shags gherkins! #

THEY LAUGH

See you Friday, la!

Look, I don't need any muppets
telling me what to do with my life.

I'm sorted. I'm starting a joinery
apprenticeship soon as, lad.

Yeah, Philibert, think about it.

How many doors are there
in the world?

There's always work.

And you can work in every country,
because every country needs doors.

Doesn't matter how many doors
there are, you know, Reece.

You'll never open one
to find your dad.

MUSIC: 'Doorstep'
by Silent-K

CACKLES

God, look at him.

Has he got no shame?

Hacks your TikTok
and then just runs around laughing.

God, is there any point
in this school

even having a careers week


Ha!

Imagine employers, like,
actually looking at their CVs.

Name: Lewis Connolly.

Achievements: national record
for most wanks in a day

and most scraps in a day.

Wow.

Straighteners.
Aw, me ideal straightener

would defo be Vladimir Putin,
and saying,

"I'm not r*cist, lad, but..."


Let me do one.

Erm... yeah, him.

Name? Mo Fassi.

Achievements?
Erm, I can put my Goodfella's pizza

in the oven all by myself,
without me ma's help.

Hobbies? Staying up till 3am

watching some fella on YouTube
rate fried chicken.

THEY LAUGH

Anyways, girl, get you arse here.
It's a big week for you.


Er, I'm just doin' me nails.

I'll be there in a bit.

'All right, love,
I'll see you soon.'

Dad.

Dad!

I swear, I wasn't there!

Is it fair to say, Mr Duffy,

that you frequent that area
most evenings?

Yeah, but I wasn't there
that evening.

Is it correct, Mr Duffy, that your
previous conviction was for theft?

That was the biggest mistake
of me life, and I paid the price.

I don't even get to see
me kids any more.

HE SOBS

Oh, I'm sorry, Reece,
I didn't mean to hit a raw nerve.

LAUGHTER

OK. Very clever.

That was an example
of a cross-examination.

My name's Lorna, I'm a barrister,

and I think it's great you're
all getting enthused about law

as this week,
we'll be staging a mock trial,

and my chambers would like to offer
a mini-pupillage

to the student
that shows the most potential

for a career
in the legal profession.

What's a mini-pupillage?

Connor's nickname for his tiny c*ck.

It's a short
work experience placement

where you'll shadow myself
and attend court hearings.

You should defo pick me, Miss,

cos I am dead good
at just looking at someone

and knowing whether they're a perv.

You wouldn't even need
to take it to trial.

I'll bear that in mind.
Thank you...?

Mia-Louise Turner.

Thank you, Mia-Louise.

OK, I have your answers here

to the legal question
we posed last week.

Barry has been charged
with manslaughter

after an altercation
with his friend Terry

ended with Terry falling
and striking his head,

causing his death.

How would you advise Barry?

A lot of you gave general advice
to Barry,

when the question
meant legal advice.

"Change your name.
Nobody's called Barry any more."

"I heard it was a sex game
gone wrong."

LAUGHTER

"Have you got
Terry's missus' number?

"She's on the market,
and I heard she's a stunner."

But me two favourite answers
were Christopher,

who advised, "He should plead guilty
to involuntary manslaughter

"for a reduced sentence,"

and Reece, who took
a more unorthodox approach

and said, "Bazza should say
he was sleepwalking."

I got the idea
when Connor stayed at mine.

I punched him in the head
in the night

and said I was sleepwalking.

He believed me! Classic automatism.

Very good, Reece.

Automatism is indeed
a valid legal defence.

So, well done to Christopher,

who will be
the prosecuting barrister,

and Reece, who will defend.

This is the mock trial we'll be
getting our teeth into...

Er, Miss? Are you messing?

Who cares whether Benjamin
had his bike stolen?

He's about 30
and still wearing those shorts?

Nonce territory, that, Miss.

Yeah, can't we do something
more interesting, like?

We should trial Lewis
for hacking Aimee's TikTok

and posting a video
slagging off girls in the school,

so everyone thinks she posted it.


Freya Moore's dad is in prison,

and her mum is a drunkard crackhead,

but the most tragic thing about her
is still that shocking unibrow.

And he's still denying it, the rat.
CLAMOUR

All right, that.
He's bang out of order.

OK, OK.

This is clearly a passionate issue
dear to all your hearts.

Let's do it.
Lewis is in the mud!

Mudded!

CHEERING

Wealth.

What does it do?

Does wealth define dreams?

Or do dreams define wealth?

This door won't open.

It's locked!

Inequality within
the acting profession.

Glass ceiling?

Don't you mean class ceiling?

Eeh.

Oh, I'm a bellend.

Don't you mean,
I'm a complete bellend?

APPLAUSE

That was a little piece that I wrote
about how access and success

within the British acting profession

is increasingly dominated by those
from privileged class origins.

But I wanna change that.

I wanna show you
how to unlock that door.

Yeah? I just wanna say,
I loved your use of stage proxemics.

It really helped emphasise
the points of tension.

Thank you very much.
What's your name?

Grace.

In Greek mythology, it means charm,
beauty and fertility.

Well, you're obviously a very
knowledgeable young lady, Grace.

Thanks.
I go to an evening drama school,

and we cover a lot
of the techniques there.

Fantastic.

So, who else, like our Grace here,
has the drive to become an actor?

Me. My dream is to become
the first person from Merseyside

to win an Oscar
since Glenda Jackson in 1973.

LAUGHTER

Eeh, why are youse laughing?
Eh, it's called ambition.

Yeah, but you also need hard work

to go along
with that blind ambition.

So, what do you do
to really push yourself?

I do drama GCSE.

Well, if you really want that Oscar,

maybe you should be doing more,
like our Grace here.

So, the school has asked me to do
an acting masterclass this week,

but I'm also casting
for an indie film project

about young, working-class kids
growing up in Liverpool.

But I thought you
were a fancy film director?

No, I'm a casting director,

so I choose the right actors
for the films.

Oh, that sounds easy, that.

"You, you're good. Be in that."

I want to cast
the female lead locally,

so I'll be visiting a few schools
over the next few weeks,

and I'll invite the best
from each school to a casting day.

Why don't you just be
a real director instead?

Er, it's not exactly as easy
as all that.

So, if you're interested,

auditions will be held
Wednesday afternoon.

Let's get rehearsing!

What are you having a go at him for?

You do realise he's gonna cast
someone for an actual film?

It would kinda help if he liked me.

All right, well,
what's got into you?

And why did you say
about putting Lewis on trial?

Er, what do you mean?
I was trying to help you!

Rehearsals are where
the real hard work happens.

They'll either darken
your performance or...

light it up.

Good luck, my learned friend!

May the best man win.

May the man with
the poshest voice win, you mean.

Oh, come on!
You belong in the courtroom too.

Putting in the doors!

Lad, you're obsessed, you,
aren't you?

Don't get so busy making a living

that you forget to live your life,
yeah?

See you in court!

MUSIC: 'Black Betty'
by Ram Jam

I'm gonna cross-examine
these bad boys.

SNIFFS

Yeah, that's the one! That's it.

That's it. That is it, lad.

Seriously, Reece?

'Are you messing, lad?'

It's gotta be Fowler, dickhead.

He was nicer looking.
Yeah, he's nicer looking.

GROANING

Good luck.

Looks like you've got a bowl
of Koka noodles on your head, lad.


At least I make an effort.

Order!

RAP MUSIC PLAYS

JEERING

Look at the state of him!

What, then? What? What?

Tell me!
Lewis.

We go way back!

She's the one that got me off

when I was accused of smashing
a motorbike up.

She is a superb barrister.
That's very kind, thank you.

And I 100% did it as well,
so she's very good, like.

OK, Christopher, are you ready
for your opening statement?

Members of the jury,
this case is simple.

It is about an angry man
who sought revenge.

And when he remembered
his ex-girlfriend

doesn't use two-step authentication
on her TikTok account,

he saw his chance to strike!

Miss Aimee Morris is a kind,
passionate,

driven young woman,

and hacking into her account
and posting a defamatory video

was a deliberate attempt
to sabotage that reputation

and paint her as a villain.

But you will hear evidence
during this case

that proves the only villain here...

is Mr Lewis Connolly.
Nah.


I'm no villain, me.

If any of youse reckon I'm guilty,
yeah,

I'll bring your mas here
to the court and shag them.

And even if you say, "Objection,"
I'll keep shagging them.

JEERING

Order!

Reece, do you actually have
an opening statement?

Yes. Yes, I do.

Members of the jury,
would you please?

Reece! Reece! Reece!
Reece! Reece! Reece!

Lads, you need to take this
seriously!

Reece! Reece! Reece! Reece!

Order! Order!

Would you say Lewis was bitter
about you breaking up with him?

So bitter that he sought revenge?

Defo. He used to write me
these weird love poems.

For the purpose of the court,
Mr Connolly,

can you please read out
the evidence as presented?

A...

is for "amazing t*ts".

Vile.

I...

is for "interesting arse".


M...

..is for "marvellous fanny".

Ugh!
E...

..is for "excited to eat you out".

Knocks me sick.
E...

..is for "eating you out".

Ugh!
Hang on!

He stole that
from a John Keates poem!

Who?

Miss Morris,
could you please look at this?


Let's all do the beach, man!

Let's all do the beach, man!

Nah, nah, nah, nah!
Order in the court!

Members of the jury,

I hired an online sleuth
to obtain the IP address

of where the TikTok post originated.

What the f*ck's a sleuth?

And this is the e-mail I received
which states

that the IP address matches
a computer in the school library.

So?
Who cares?

OK, well, wait for this.

We have an eyewitness statement
that says they saw Mr Connolly

using that same computer
on Friday at 12:29.

What is he on about?
Who cares?

The TikTok post was made at 12:31!

GASPS

CLAMOUR

You're finished.

Lad, I need your help.
I didn't do it.


Look, like, that poem, yeah?

I just wanted her to know
I was hurting because...

..it kills me that I love her

and she doesn't feel the same
about me.

Please?

If you get me off,
no more dad jokes.

OK, OK, maybe down to, like,
one a month.

I'll make a conscious shift
from quantity to quality.

Swear down.

Can someone get back to me
and tell me why it's been moved?

He's not going through
another two weeks of hell.

WAILING

Give me the drugs!

Cor, this dickhead and his torches.

Don't make me sh**t my own brother!

WHIMPERS

APPLAUSE

And that was completely improvised
because in acting,

sometimes you have to think
on your feet.

Do you know, it actually felt
really real, Sir.

Like, me dad k*lled his brother
just last week for drugs.

And the street name for all drugs
these days is just "drugs".

Saves all the confusion.

Thank you.

And I'm sorry for your loss.

Let's do some improv situations.

I'll set you in pairs,

and you can use this torch
as a creative prop

to help inspire the scene.

Welcome to
the Socially "In just this" podcast.

This week,
we're discussing white privilege.

My guest today is Mia-Louise.

Good afternoon.

you're white privilege, girl,
for saying "good afternoon"

just cos white people
have generally had good afternoons.

What about Black people and sl*very?

They weren't good afternoons,
were they?

So, according to our records,
you've been unemployed

and on Universal Credit
for two years since leaving school.

How's that job search going?

I'm sure there's something
out there for me. Hmm.

Hm.

What is white privilege?

How do we define it?

Er, is it a young white girl
who thinks she's interesting enough

to have her own podcast and then
constantly emails everyone about it?

I've found a cleaning job
here at Asda.

Would you be interested?

Nothing against cleaning,
but I'd like to do something

in the entertainment industry.

Oh, my God, the host of the podcast
has just been arrested live on air.

For a violent racial hate crime.
On a woman.

Who was also a refugee!

Then she's burnt the Pride flag,
and she's even chopped down a tree!

But sometimes you have to be
a bit more realistic

with our careers.

You know, we can't waste our lives
chasing an unrealistic dream

with nothing to fall back on.

For example, you try to make it
as a singer, fail

and end up becoming
a bad Elvis impersonator

who can't support his family.

Shut up, you stupid, pouty b*tch!

GASPS

Exceptional, Grace.

The conflict really helped
imbue the scene with emotion.

I'll see you guys tomorrow,
at 1pm sharp, for the auditions.

Thanks for calling me back.
'How's tomorrow?'

Tomorrow is great. What time?
'1pm?

'Love?'
Yeah.

Yeah, that's OK.

Calling a hit on Grace?

My first was tough too,
but sometimes it has to be done.

Don't worry.

You're gonna do great
in the audition.

And tomorrow this whole school's
going to know what Lewis did to you.

Hello there.
I'm so sorry, can I cancel that hit?

Yeah, this posh divvy's
making me feel a lot better.

OK, thank you. Take care, bye-bye!

CHATTER

Order!

In the absence
of the defending barrister,

and on the charge of Lewis Connolly

hacking me mate's TikTok
and generally being a bad ming,

how do we find him?

Stop!
GASPS

The defence has some new evidence it
would like to share with the jury.

My "Leonard" friend said

that Mr Connolly was last seen
on said computer at 12:29.

And he's right, he was.

What are you playing at, lad?

But he wasn't on Aimee's TikTok.

He was printing materials off
for his big lunchtime wank,

cos everybody knows
he's not a good mind w*nk*r.

MURMURS OF AGREEMENT
Lewis then took these materials

and enjoyed his lunchtime wank
in the bog.

Now, ladies and gentlemen
of the jury,

can you help me with a question?

What time did my "Leonard" friend

say the TikTok post was made?



Thank you for your assistance.

Now, as we all know,

Meachy likes to keep
a close eye on us.

So, here we have
Friday's CCTV footage

of the south corridor,

where you will now see Mr Connolly

leaving the bogs
in post-nut clarity bliss.

Dirty b*stard.
Vile.

Now, I know what youse are thinking,
ladies and gentlemen.

Lewis was on the computer at 12:29.

He printed his materials,
posted the TikTok at 12:31,

then went for his elite
lunchtime wank.

Except he didn't.

Because the time here is 12:32!


I didn't post it!

I therefore put to you

that Mr Connolly
was actually wankin'

at the time in question.

GASPS
Oh, and also,

he's a rapid w*nk*r too.

Get in!

Thank you so much.
I didn't post it.

Y-You do believe me, don't you?

I know we've never been
the best of mates, but...

Oh, my God, you don't.

Oh, my God. She did it.

Thank you, son.

Reece.

Could you come by our chambers
after school

to sort out the paperwork,
meet your fellow cohorts?

Reece! Reece! Reece!

Reece! Reece! Reece!

Reece! Reece! Reece! Reece!
Reece! Reece!

Reece! Reece! Reece! Reece!

Aims? Where you going?

Wahey-hey! Come on!


Whoa, whoa, whoa.

And when CCTV caught me putting
six school laptops in me car,

Meachy deepfaked it, lad.

I'm innocent! Come on!

Come on!

MUSIC: 'Dancing Girl'
by Terry Callier

# I saw a dream last night

# Bright like a falling star... #

Is she not coming?

# And the sources of light,

# Seemed so near... #

'Ere.

# Yet so far... #


Right, next we have...

Grace.

Eeh, why is she dressed like Aims?

I'll f*cking hit her.

Thanks for coming in, Aimee.

As I was saying to your father,
we've analysed the MRI scan results.

Unfortunately, it has confirmed
areas of lesions in the brain.

I'll be OK.

The cost-of-living crises

has brought you
to the bones of your arse,

and now you've just been fired.

You can't do that!

It's humiliating as it is,

having to rely on charities
for toothpaste and bog roll.

I have a kid,
and her da does nothing.

I'm on me own.

Please!

# Each of us is born alone... #

Look...

we knew it was coming, didn't we?

'Ey?

Just think, the shaky legs
will help with me Elvis routine.

Come on.

# Well, welcome to
The twilight zone... #

Right, I'm doing me audition,

but I'm doing an improvised
monologue that fits the character.

Aimee, you're too late.
I have to get my train.

What do you do when
you feel like you're drowning?

When you go from being a kid

to suddenly having to deal with
heartbreak,

misery, anger?

They don't teach you that in school,
do they?

They act like...

as long as you study hard,
you'll be happy.

What they don't say is, one day...

..you might get bad news...

that makes you feel like
you've been thrown

into a deep hole of despair.

When you're a kid,

there is no problem
that your parents can't solve.

They're indestructible.

And then you get older...

..and it's devastating
to realise that they aren't.

Maybe that's why no-one prepares you
for being an adult.

Because they're still not prepared.

Maybe nothing can prepare you.

That was good, Aimee. Very good.

But you know what?
I just can't rely on you.

You're late, you're irritable,

and quite frankly, you're trouble,

and people don't like working
with trouble.

Grace... I'll see you in London.

'Ey, Jenson!

I looked you up on LinkedIn. Yeah.

You from around here, are you?
You're a fraud.

You're a joke, mate.
This whole school's a joke!

It's full of bad gimps!

You can all f*ck off, mate!

Aims, what's goin' on?

All right, soft lad?

Where've you been?

The fella from your law placement
called me.

He said you did a runner.

I told him you better had the shits
or I'll k*ll you.

I've put it on Instagram, Reece!

"Hashtag so proud.
Hashtag lawyer in the family.

"Hashtag not the accused this time."

I know, Mum. I saw the 50 hashtags.

Then what the f*ck happened?

There was this lad there
called Remington.

Some girl called Persephone.
She was quite fit.

But they were speaking about
Villa versus someone in 2018.

I thought they were speaking
about an FA Cup game,

but it turns out they were
speaking about some legal case,

a guy called Villa.

I felt like a tit, Mum.

So I just left.

Can't say I blame you.

Look, I'm not gonna force you
to go back if you don't want to, OK?

But I can't let you swerve it cos
you don't think you're good enough.

f*ck Persephone!

You've got just as much right to be
there as any of them have, son.

You've just gotta start
believing it, OK?

OK.

Your tea's inside.

Persephone!

"Hashtag so proud?"

I got you a gift to say well done
for winning the case.

For when you start
your joinery apprenticeship.

You mean to say sorry cos you
thought you were gonna win easily?

What? No. I gave you that impression
on purpose to help motivate you,

and it worked.


I would never assume anything!

I'm not that entitled.

Eurgh, my shoes are so dirty.
Where is he?

WHISTLES

No, no, no, no, no.

Now I'm the boss.

WHISTLES

Now mighty Mo runs
biggest shoeshine company

in whole of Merseyside.

We shine shoes, sir!

Yalla, yalla. Hey! Curly haired boy!

Quicker! Quicker!

# You don't have to take this crap

# You don't have to sit back
And relax

# You can actually try changing it

# I know we're gonna try
To make this work

# Or spend your days
Down in the dirt

# You see, things can change

# Walls can come tumbling down

# Governments crack and systems fall

# Cos unity is powerful
# Oh, lights go out... #