01x01 - A Pizza Party Where Nothing Bad Happens

[bunniefuu]

♪ ♪

[tinny music plays]

♪ ♪

[employees speaking
indistinctly]

ORANGE:
Here at MIRA Corporation,

the company culture
is so fun-gaging,

it will have you
making up words.

Hi, I'm Orange.

Don't think of me
as your HR rep,

think of me as your HR family.

GREEN:
Whoa.

ORANGE:
The good folks here at MIRA

have discovered a brand-new,
very fun energy source

that we like to call Ore-Plus.

Your mission is to get
our highly valuable Ore-Plus

from this asteroid all the way

to our fun-tastic
refining facility on Industria.

First things first,
now is a great time

to pause the tape
and introduce yourself

to anyone else
in the room with you.

GREEN:
Hi. I'm Green.

You're White, aren't you?
I think I saw you on TV.

WHITE: I get that a lot,
because I'm on TV a lot.

Probably because of all
my hard work.

- GREEN: Hard work? Like what?
- Hoo, boy,

let me tell you, one day
I was walking down the street,

completely minding
my own business,

when suddenly, out of nowhere,

my parents offered me
a board member role

at their pharmaceutical company.

Then, while summering...
as a verb... on my yacht,

my sommelier...
whose name I don't recall...

presented me the cork,
and on the underside was,

you guessed it, a winning ride
on this very ship.

So, pretty much the same kind of
thing that happens to everyone.

What's your equally
as enterprising life's story?

GREEN:
I'm an unpaid intern.

WHITE:
Anything else?

GREEN:
Oh, I grew up on a worm farm.

WHITE:
Oh, how rustic.

[high-pitched babble]

- Ooh, that's a, that's a lot of information.
- GREEN: Uh, just a second here.

ORANGE: ...by combining
your sick and paid days.

ORANGE: And finally, to give
you a personalized tour of the ship,

I want to introduce you to...

[White grunts]

ORANGE:
Me, but now I'm real.

Welcome to The Skeld.

We're so happy
to have you amongst us.

Or is it "among us"?

I always forget which one
is grammatically...

♪ ♪

♪

ORANGE:
That's right, it's me.

Now, when you catch
the trust ball,

you have to say a fun fact
about yourself.

My fun fact is that I have
two different pairs of shoes,

one for normal day wear, and one
for when I'm feeling sumptuous.

WHITE: Uh, it doesn't
matter how much sleep I get,

I always awaken
feeling well-rested

and ready to start the day.

[Green grunting]

[moans]

Uh, well, I grew up
in a pretty poor area,

but everyone back home
believed in my dream

to one day become a captain.

So the whole town pooled
their meager resources

to send me off to school
in order to...

ORANGE: Wow, what
a unique dream to have.

Now, everybody already knows
you're both coming,

so let's start
our meet and greet.

- GREEN: Whoa!
- BLACK: Excuse me.

ORANGE:
Sometimes your unpaid internship

will mean you work in here
with Black and Cyan,

- our two geologists.
- CYAN: Namaste.

BLACK: I'm a geologist,
Cyan is a gemologist.

ORANGE: That's not
what the paperwork says.

BLACK:
Well, the paperwork is bullsh...

- ORANGE: Ooh! Got to go.
- WHITE: Whoa, whoa.

WHITE:
[chuckles] Get out of my way.

ORANGE: And here's the Reactor
room. Sometimes your duties

will require you to fix the...
[screams] - [Lime shouts]

LIME:
Finally, the Reactor room.

Those damn gremlins must be
turning the vents around.

Got to flush them out
with some holy water.

ORANGE:
This is Lime, our engineer.

LIME:
I'm also an ordained minister.

WHITE:
Oh. Uh, why are you in the vent?

- LIME: What are you, a cop?
- No, but I'm friends with cops.

I'm friends with
all kinds of people.

Landlords, influencers,

politician's children,
people who green-light

live-action versions
of animated movies,

- people who watch live-action...
- LIME: I ain't got time for you jaw-waggers.

Get this out of here.
Come on... ow! [Distant grunting]

ORANGE: Uh, L-Lime is our
most unambiguous crewmate.

WHITE and GREEN:
Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.

ORANGE: Next up is
Purple, who should be...

[wind whistles]

Oh, well, I guess not.

Darn. We'll just have to skip
to the next crewmate,

who I like the same amount
as everyone else.

Oh! [Chuckles]

Hello, Doctor.

BLUE:
Hello.

ORANGE:
Uh... trust ball?

BLUE: After my time building
structurally sound homes

for the unhoused
in Northern Yeniria,

I found that trust isn't given,
it's built.

GREEN: You're the most
attractive person I've ever seen.

ORANGE: Let's not
objectify the hot doctor.

And this is the cafeteria.

I think maybe we can skip
this very boring,

very fair working environment.

GREEN:
Oh, wow-ee, wow-wow.

YELLOW: Say, Brown, looks
like Orange got that new intern.

BROWN:
Mm-hmm.

YELLOW: How many beans
you being paid, intern?

ORANGE: [chuckles] We don't
need to discuss our rate of beans...

- YELLOW: Discussion of wages is protected speech.
- Whoa!

[glass shatters]

YELLOW: Come on,
Green, spill it on three.

ORANGE: Oh, are you
putting salt on this pizza?

I love salt.

YELLOW:
One, two, three.

- Nothing, I'm an unpaid intern.
- YELLOW: Nothing, you're an unpaid intern.

Mm-hmm.

- Give me that.
- [Orange gasps]

YELLOW: Unpaid
internships favor the wealthy

while being
a capitalist exploitation

of inexperienced workers
under the guise of helping them

achieve their personal
and financial dreams.

BROWN:
Preach.

ORANGE: That's enough
indoctrination for now. Bye.

- GREEN: What's a capitalist?
- WHITE: Me.

ORANGE:
Okay, you two, looks like

- we've got the big one coming up.
- [Purple grunts]

- GREEN: Oh, you mean...?
- ORANGE: You bet. The captain!

GREEN: Oh, gosh. Oh,
gosh, oh, gosh, oh, gosh.

The captain! I'm so excited,
my legs just started running

- without my brain's input.
- RED: Thank you, MIRA HQ,

I'll get the Ore-Plus
to Industria on time

with no losses, over and out.

♪ ♪

GREEN:
Wow.

RED:
[chuckles softly] Ahoy, there.

GREEN: Oh, my gosh.
Permission to come aboard?

RED:
[laughs] Permission granted.

Uh, Here.
I'll take that trust ball.

I'm Red, captain of The Skeld.

Shipping Ore-Plus
across the galaxy is

a lot of responsibility,
but someone's got to do it,

and that someone is me...

the captain.

Captain Red.
Captain of The Skeld.

- Me.
- GREEN: I am so excited to be here!

I want to fly a ship
of my own someday.

RED:
[chuckles] Well, why wait?

Anybody in this room want to try
piloting the ship?

♪ ♪

GREEN:
Aw...

WHITE:
Sure.

- [Green sighs]
- WHITE: Ooh, hot damn,

I feel like
one of my chauffeurs.

Whoo, here we go. [Humming]

[laughs] Oh-oh, look out.

PURPLE: Hey, Captain,
there seems to be...

Whoa!

Is the contest winner
flying the ship?

RED:
Purple. [Laughs] Yes.

Uh, uh, they're doing it
for a very captain-ly reason

that I-I will say soon.

ORANGE: Oh! This is
Purple, our head of security.

PURPLE:
Yeah, hi. Is that allowed?

Seems kind of irresponsible.

RED:
Irresponsible...

Uh, G, H, I...

Uh, irresponsible.

I don't see anything
in the manual.

[stammers] I mean, I don't see
any reason why not.

[chuckles weakly]

Or, uh, maybe the unpaid intern
should be flying the ship?

PURPLE:
You should be flying the ship.

RED:
That doesn't sound right.

PURPLE:
[groans] Okay.

I just came to say

there seem to be
a lot of security issues.

Cameras don't record, they're
in black and white and...

RED:
I'm sure it'll be fine, Purps.

- We're just going to Industria.
- GREEN: Yeah, Purps,

we're just going to Industria.

PURPLE:
Well, I can't exactly do the job

that you're asking me to do
without this stuff...

- [thudding] - [all clamoring]
- RED: Oh, my God.

COMPUTER:
Alert. Hull breach.

Comms compromised.

- RED: Huh! We've struck - an asteroid.
- COMPUTER: Alert.

Critical systems compromised.

WHITE: Oh, this kind of thing
happens to me all the time.

Don't worry.
Someone will fix it.

PURPLE:
We have to fix it!

[Lime grunting]

[Lime yells]

[grunting]

PURPLE: Shut the door
to the Storage Room!

RED: No! We got
to save the Ore-Plus.

[Black grunting]

The emergency seals
aren't working.

[both groaning]

BLUE:
Orange.

Where are the rest
of your trust ba*ls?

ORANGE:
Rest of my trust ba*ls?

What are you talking about?
I only have one.

[overlapping arguments]

ORANGE:
Okay, okay.

BLUE:
Dump those ba*ls.

[Orange grunting]

It's too heavy.

[Black groans]

[all grunting]

[air wheezes]

[all cheering]

BLUE:
Wow.

You've all done really well.

I'm so impressed
with our teamwork today.

You've made me proud.

[all exclaim]

RED:
well, I thought the same thing.

I-I thought the same thing.

I'm the captain, so... me, too.

[chuckles weakly]
I also said that.

[hesitant agreements]

RED: Oh, you know, Green,
if you want to be like me,

- you got to stop being green.
- [Green chuckles]

LIME:
Mm. [Chuckles]

♪ ♪

It's prosciutto, fig,
and uh... [groans]

- Bulgreecian feta.
- BROWN: Bulgreecian feta.

CYAN:
[whoops] Twin souls.

You must be Geminis.

Boop.

ORANGE:
So comms are down,

the reactor is on the fritz,
and it's going to take us

one extra week
to get to Industria?

Mm, I'm afraid I'll have
to report this to MIRA HQ.

And it doesn't look good, Red.

RED:
R-Report?

[chuckles weakly]
Oh, what's to report?

It's just
a little cosmetic damage.

We'll get there, no biggie.
[chuckles]

And, uh... Oh, hey.

Hey, Purps. [Chuckling]
There you are.

- Purps. Ah!
- PURPLE [quietly]: Oh, damn it.

[quietly]:
I don't see them.

- I don't see them.
- RED: P-P-P-P-P-Purps.

PURPLE: I don't see them.
I don't see them.

I don't... Oh. [Groans]

RED:
Isn't it wild I'm captain now?

PURPLE:
Mm-hmm.

RED: So uh, how's
the job I got you?

PURPLE:
Come on, just stop.

We don't have to do this.

RED:
Hey, I am the captain.

I'm just seeing how my crew is.

PURPLE: Well, I'm
fine, so... I'll see you later.

GREEN:
Hey, has anyone seen White?

They came with me on the ship.

Everyone loved them.

White? White?

Oh. There you are.

[White groans]

[gurgling]

[all screaming]

♪ ♪

Keybot, Keybot, Keybot. Keybot.

Chirp.