01x05 - Fisher Trashen

[bunniefuu]

Oh, thank God you're home.

Big news.

I decided to style Austin
for The Albies myself.

- What? That's amazing!
- Yeah!

I'm so proud of you!

Why are you so sweaty?

And are you missing a shoe?

I am.
I just ran all the way home from work.

What? Why?
Are you okay?

I just kissed my boss
and he kissed me back.

What?!

Wait, so tell me
exactly what happened.

And as your horny friend,
please do not leave out any details.

It was so hot.

But also restrained.

- Mm.
- Which made it even more hot.

- Mm.
- He has these soft lips

and just a hint of stubble,
and his hands were on my waist.

And then, you had sex
on his desk.

Did you push all the papers
onto the floor?

I've always wanted to do that.

Bill doesn't have anything on his desk.

His aesthetic is more minimalist.

That's not the detail
I wanted clarified.

Did you have sex?

No, of course not.

This was all a huge mistake.

I can't have sex with a coworker,
let alone my boss.

Well, can I have sex with him?

- He's so hot.
- Abby!

Fine.
So, what are you gonna do about it?

- The mature thing.
- Mm.

Pretend like it never happened
until we both forget about it.

Is that the mature thing?

No, but in my defense,
leave me alone.

Hey, do I know you from somewhere?

No, I don't think so, man.

You're the jaw surgery guy.

Look, that was just a one-off thing.

I'm... I'm more focused on acting.

- Oh.
- How much longer

do you think we're gonna
have to wait?

Oh, that's the fun thing
about open casting calls.

Could be two hours, could be 12.

What? H-How do you live like that?
Is that normal?

If you don't have an agent, it is.

- Oh, that's terrible!
- Not really.

I've been a corpse
on every Law and Order.

I love it so much.

The hardest part is not smiling
when they're bagging up my body.

Okay, that's it.
Spots have been filled.

You can go home.

Wait, wait, wait.
I've been here since 5 a.m.

Well, now you know
to get here earlier.

Hey, I see a lot of myself in you.

You want to go get a bite?

Krispy Kreme is BOGO today.

That's buy one, get one.

I need an agent.

Hey, are you good, man?
You didn't order breakfast this morning.

Yeah, no, I had a donut
with my future self at 8 a.m.

- I don't wanna talk about it.
- Okay.

Ugh! Fruit is disgusting.

- Josh, give me your extra sandwich.
- No, fatty.

This is for Paula.
I need her to like me.

Why do you care
what your mean boss thinks?

Doesn't Wes already love you?

Wes only likes me
'cause of my last name.

Paula can make me
better at my job.

I've tried everything to win her over.

I'm always the last one to leave.

Hey, have your male loneliness epidemic
somewhere else, please.

I always replate her lunch order
so it looks really nice.

Got your soup.

Where the hell
am I supposed to put that?

I mean, honestly,
Brandi Carlile walked

so Phoebe Bridgers could run.

I mean, how many petitions
do I have to sign

before she gets the Vegas residency
she deserves?

Hm.

Wait, so her saying "huh"
is a good thing?

It's great. Anything that's not an insult
is an improvement.

My guy's like a parasite
worming his way into people's hearts.

I think I'm one thoughtful gesture away
from becoming a respected subordinate.

I'm sorry, Cal.

Is my quest for career advancement
boring to you?

Dude, these cattle calls are k*lling me.

I need to get an agent to get a role
and then win my parents back.

Are they still not talking to you?

No, that's why I need to get cast
in something as soon as possible.

Well, I don't know
about your business,

but in mine,
it is all about networking.

Okay, but how?
I don't... I don't have a network.

Dude, you gotta work every angle.

I belong to ten gyms,
three bathhouses,

and a nail salon near work
where the ladies be talking.

Often about things
I don't understand.

But one day,
I'll learn what a bleph is.

Morning, Paula.
Got you a breakfast sandwich.

Oh, good, it's cold and wet.
Did you also find it on the ground?

Paula, we need to replace
my new hair woman.

Cynthia talks about
her stepkids too much.

Just put my hair system on in silence.
Is that so hard?

Set up some interviews for tomorrow.

Unfortunately, I have my annual
endocrinologist appointment tomorrow.

D... I don't need to hear the details
of your woman problems.

How is diabetes a woman problem?

It's inside your guts and stuff.

I'm sorry.
No one hates missing work more than I do,

especially when it means sitting
on a train for three hours

to Doctor Murph's clinic in Long Island,

which is the only place
that can fit me in and...

Fine. I don't wanna think about it.

We can meet the replacements
on Monday.

Call their references
and see how much they yap.

Can you throw this out for me, please?

Okay.

Hi. I finished resteaming that sweater
for the third time.

- Do you have a minute to talk?
- Go ahead.

Vanessa, working with you

has been a once-in-a-lifetime
opportunity.

You are a legendary stylist.

But the time has come for me to...

I want...

Hey, sorry. What's going on?

I'm making a tribute video for my cat
Azzedine's memorial service.

He's dead, by the way.

Oh! I'm so sorry.

You're having a memorial service
for your cat?

Sorry, it's close friends only.

I mean, Saint Patrick's Cathedral
can only hold so many people.

But he deserved it.

- He was so special.
- Mm-hmm.

Designer tabby
with the smile of an angel.

Yes, I remember.

He was so... sweet.

No, he was psychotic.

But he was my best friend.

We'd both grown immune
to the same anti-depressants together.

- Maybe we can talk about this later.
- No, you know what?

I could use a little cheering up.

You were saying that
I'm... I'm a great stylist?

Yeah, that's it.
You're a great stylist.

And I'm sorry for your loss.

Thank you.

Okay, I need you
to write his eulogy for me,

and then overnight his ashes
to the cloning lab. Chop-chop.

That means now.

No stammering.
Just keep moving.

I just have to ask my dad something
real quick before we go to Sweetgreen.

Whoa, this view is sick!

Your dad knows
so many celebrities.

W-Wait, why is there
a photo missing?

Oh, I-I think he'll beat the charges.
But why risk it?

Hi. David Teitelbaum.

I'm Elena.
I work with your son.

Ah, Josh, he's told me about you.

You know, Latin America
is one of our fastest growing...

- Dad, stop.
- What?

I came by to see
if you could pull some strings

to get a doctor's appointment tomorrow.

- Oh, is your bowel impacted again?
- No!

No. No.

It's for my boss, Paula.

She's had trouble finding
an endocrinologist in the city.

Say no more.
I'll have my assistant Martinez

set it up with Doctor Chen.

- Great. Thanks, Dad.
- Alright.

Okay. Alright.

Can I just say, I heard your interview
with Terry Gross,

and I thought you made great points
about media consolidation.

Really? I actually got a lot
of blowback after that interview.

Yeah, well, the NPR audience
can be an echo chamber,

but I don't think people
should hide from opinions

that differ from their worldview.
That gets us nowhere.

Well, that's exactly
what I yelled at Terry

after the interview, that...

It's great to meet you.

If you ever need anything.
My door is open.

- Thank you.
- Alright? Okay.

- Alright.
- Aw.

Sorry if that was a weird way
to meet my dad.

- You did great.
- So, you talked to your dad about me?

I just said I work
with this really annoying girl,

and her only redeeming quality
is that she's pretty cute.

Oh, well, I totally get it.

Mildred in accounting
looks really good for 90.

Yeah, but I could never get her.

Would you want to hang out later?

Yeah, I would.

Hey, dipshits!

Stop using shades of green
for all the pitch books.

What am I, a f*cking leprechaun?
Do we need to go over the color wheel?

No, sir. Sorry, sir.

Calm down. Just fix it.

Hey, guys?
Let's shape up.

Hey!
Uh, you quit Vanessa yet?

No, and that's not why you're calling.

How is it going
with your sexy boss?

The, uh, client is acting
completely normal.

Not a glance, nothing.
It's like we're in line at the DMV.

Great, that's exactly
what you wanted, right?

Right, except it's so normal,
it's also maybe hurtful.

It's... I'm starting to feel crazy.
Like, did it even happen?

It's a little soon
to start questioning reality.

- It's been less than a day.
- I know.

Ah!

- Gotta go.
- Oh, no!

What, did Patagonia
sell out of quarter zips?

No, worse!
I'm on Fisher Trashen.

- Ohh!
- Sorry, what is Fisher Trashen?

It's an Instagram account.

They post dirt
about Fisher Stassen employees.

And once a month,
they post a worst offender.

And it looks like somebody
anonymously submitted Davis.

Anonymous, my a*s.
I know exactly who wrote this.

Love t*rror1st?
What did you do?

Oh, I don't know,
tried to be a gentleman?

And what does that mean?

Well, I hooked up with this analyst
named Madison a couple of times.

But when it ran its course,
I took her to a very classy omakase meal,

and I told her that I no longer wish
to continue our casual sexual courtship.

That doesn't sound that bad.
That's like the ideal way to get dumped.

But people are just gonna assume
I'm a bad guy,

and I'm so not a bad guy, AJ!

I'm a romantic,
like Hugh Grant in Notting Hill,

or Ryan Gosling in The Notebook.

What other famous leading men
are you like?

Don't be a b*tch, Jocelyn.
You know I treat women well.

- Dileep.
- No.

No, you have to talk
to Madison for me.

- She blocked me.
- I stay out of the drama.

- Is not for me.
- Yes, but I need her

to take it down.
Jocelyn?

You literally just called me a b*tch.

- I'll do it.
- What? Are you... are you sure?

Yeah, I got this.
I'm a girl's girl.

Are you? 'Cause you seem more like
a guy's girl with no guy friends.

Just shut up and let me help you.
I can do it.

And I could use a distraction.

Okay, thanks.

Wow. You look so good.

And just to be clear,
that is a compliment to myself.

Send them pictures
to my social media guy,

he'll tag you in the post.

No, no, no,
don't tag me in anything.

I just... I haven't told Vanessa yet.

Friggin' Azzedine.

Okay, well, you're all set for tonight.

Just remember to keep
your poses simple

on the red carpet.
Show me.

What is that?

I never really know
what to do with my hands.

No, no, no.
No finger g*ns, no thumbs.

What are you doing?
Are you holding up oranges?

It's corny. Just act normal.

Yeah, sure.

You got it, boss.

Okay, well, I have to go
write a cat eulogy now.

But good luck tonight.

And if George Clooney likes your look,
send him my way.

Will do.

Are you Madison?

Yeah.

Oh, sorry.
I don't sell Ritalin anymore.

Uh... I actually wanted
to talk to you about Davis.

He's a friend.
I know you put him on Fisher Trashen.

And look, I get it.
Men can be so frustrating sometimes.

But I was hoping that maybe
if we talked, like woman to woman,

you might be open
to taking that down?

Why would I do that?

Well, I... I get that
you had feelings for him,

but are you really gonna flame a guy
for dumping you after a fling?

A fling?

We dated for three months
after he pursued me for a year.

We adopted a dog together.

- Sorry, you did what?
- He said it was practice for our future.

And now, I own a mastiff
named Post Malone.

Its shits are so big.

- Oh, my God!
- So, yeah, woman to woman,

you have no f*cking idea
what you're talking about.

Come in.

- Hey.
- I'm sorry.

I'm just finishing up a work thing.

What's a nicer word for "feral"?

Feral?
- Mm-hmm.

- What are you doing?
- Just a cat eulogy.

Don't worry about it.

- So, what's up?
- So, as you know,

I recently left med school to become
an unemployed actor with no prospects.

I will donate to your GoFundMe
as long as you don't make me

watch whatever short film
you're making.

No, this is somehow
more embarrassing.

I was wondering if Austin would ever
give me advice on how to get an agent.

A-And I know he's super busy,
and he probably gets requests

like this all the time,
and I don't want to put you out.

Y-You know, sorry. Forget it.

- Just forget I asked.
- No, it's cool.

I'm texting him right now.

Sometimes he takes a while to respond.

Oh. That was fast.

He says yes.

He's got time tomorrow,
if you're free.

Yeah, oh, my God, thank you.
Y-Yeah!

Yeah, of course.

Um, wayward.

Is wayward nicer than feral?

Wayward? Wayward. That's good.

- Wayward cat, yes.
- You're welcome.

Okay, admit you were impressed.

- By the dinosaurs or by you?
- I mean, both?

That's ambitious.

Well, I guess
I'm full of surprises.

That was so fun.

I've never been to
the Museum of Natural History at night.

I'm so sorry for the mess.

Every morning
I have to try on 20 things,

'cause you know, at work,
I'm criticized constantly

- for what I wear.
- Josh?

Which is crazy,
because I'm actually drawing influence

from Wes' style.
Have you seen photos of him

- when he was young?
- Josh, I don't want to talk about Wes.

Oh, I am not happy about this.

Congratulations to Austin Blanchett,
because this fearless outfit

has landed him firmly on my list
of top five straight men in Hollywood

I would not push
into oncoming traffic,

which means Timothée Chalamet has fallen
into the street and off my list.

He knows what he did.

Amazing!

Okay, confession.
I don't know who this guy is.

- But this feels huge, right?
- Yes.

Blakely Thornton
is a social tastemaker.

He's like fashion Jerome Powell.

Oh, that is huge!

I feel like I'm actually legit now.

Like, it's not so scary
to leave Vanessa.

- Mm-hmm.
- I'm gonna do it tomorrow.

Okay, now,

I'm not even gonna ask
about the Bill situation,

because if there were any updates,
you would tell me.

Yep.
Still no clue what he's thinking.

Still driving me crazy.

Okay, no further questions.

Hi, you have a minute?

- I always have time for a Teitelbaum.
- Great.

So, Paula, I couldn't help
overhearing your whole doctor ordeal.

I managed to get you
an appointment today

with Manhattan's top endocrinologist

right around the corner.
Would you want that?

Oh, that... that's very nice,
but there's no way

my insurance will cover that.

I took care of that.
It's on the house.

The house being my dad.

Josh, this is too much,

and... and I'm not sure
that it's appropriate.

Paula, don't be such a martyr.
I'm sure this guy's much better

than your strip mall doctor
in Massapequa.

She'll take it. Thank you.

- Thank you.
- I got you, Paula.

Josh, does your father know
that Kris Jenner facelift doctor?

I've been on the waitlist for months.

I'll see what I can do.

Hey, Austin?

Oh. Sorry, man.

Yeah, I don't wanna do any pictures
right now, but maybe on the way out.

Oh, oh no, sorry, I don't...
I don't want a photo.

I'm, um, I'm Abby's friend, Kel.

Ah, Kel!
Sorry, I go into autopilot

when a nervous stranger approaches.
Please, sit down.

Thank you, thank you for doing this.
I really appreciate it.

And I... I don't wanna waste your time,
so I'll just get right into it.

- I'm an open book.
- Right.

So, I'm just curious,
how did you get an agent?

I mean, I was looking
at some acting classes.

- Thought maybe if I meet...
- Acting classes.

No, uh, they're for losers.

Okay, so... so what did you do?

Well, uh, I got kicked out of school
for never going.

And my mom sent me
to live with my Auntie Cate,

and she put me in a movie.

Right, right, right, right.

Yeah, but I can help you out, man.

I can just introduce you
to my agent.

Wait, really?
That would be incredible!

Oh, man, no worries.

I mean, maybe you can
do something for me too.

Y... uh, yeah.
Of course, any... anything.

Um, I need you
to hype me up to Abby.

Hype you up?
What... what do you mean?

Well, uh, ever since we started
working together, I've just...

I've really fallen for her.

I mean, she's beautiful
and she's smart,

and she talked me out of getting
this Chinese character for Hope

tattooed on my thigh.

Yeah, yeah,
she's really, really talented.

Yeah, I mean, she really wants
to keep things professional,

but I feel like
if you put in a good word,

then maybe she might be open
to seeing me as more.

Me? W-Why me?

Well, I mean,
the way she talks about you,

she obviously really respects you.

Huh.

So, what do you reckon?
We can help each other out?

What... what exactly do you
want me to say to her?

No, just the truth.

You know, tell her Austin's a legend,
and she'd be mad not to date him,

and it's crazy he hasn't won
an Oscar yet.

O-Okay.

Oh, God, there's more of them now.
So stressful.

I should have worn a bigger hat.

Anyway, you talk to Abby,
and I'll hook you up with my reps.

Okay.

Whoa.

Legend. Thanks, mate.

Said you'd take care of this.

Thanks so much!

Hey, Davis.

Madison.

Davis, on your first date,

did you hire
an NYU a cappella group

to serenade Madison
with "Take On Me"?

Yeah, I love The Cleftomaniacs.
They make magic through music.

What about a week later
when you said

you were falling so hard,
it scared you?

I told you that in confidence.

And did you suggest
adopting a dog together?

Well, we were walking back
from brunch drunk,

and he looked so cute.

You never even told me
why you wanted to break up.

You just said
you weren't feeling it anymore.

Oh, no. No. No.

What I said was,
"I ain't feeling it no mo'."

There's a breeziness to it
that you're missing.

You know what, this is starting
to feel like a witch hunt.

Yeah, I'm not going to apologize
for an adult relationship that ended.

Come on, Dileep,
let's go get matcha.

Uh, I... I'm working.

We have so much work.
Sit... sit down.

No.

Oh, hi!

Hey, dumbass.

Wait, is this our new friendly banter?

Being the most insufferable kiss-a*s
wasn't enough for you?

You had to go and get extra credit
by ruining my one day off a year?

What?
You told Wes

you hate taking time off
for your appointment.

Yeah, I lied.
There is no doctor's appointment.

But your diabetes.

I don't have diabetes.

I mean, I... I might.
I haven't been to a doctor in years.

Well, that can't be good.

Listen, punk.
Once a year,

I tell Wes that I have
a doctor's appointment,

and then I walk over to Central Park,
and I sit by the sailboats,

and I eat two ice cream sundaes,
and I scream at the birds.

You can skip the appointment.
I won't say anything.

I can't cancel.
Your dad already paid for it.

Oh. Yeah, sorry.

This was supposed
to be my one respite

from this taxing
and thankless job,

and you stole that from me.

Thanks a lot, as*h*le.

Okay.

I'm gonna print that out again
because they're not wrong.

- And then these numbers...
- Hey.

- Hey.
- We need a new model on page seven.

Sure, right. Anything else?

I mean, once it's done,
you can make copies for the team.

Okay.

Could you meet me outside
at the big bench?

Hey.

Thanks for meeting me.

I feel like I owe you
an explanation.

Why did you act that way?
It's so psycho.

So, I met Madison
as a summer intern,

and I thought
she was so pretty and nice.

And so, I pursued her really hard.

And it wasn't until I closed the deal

that I decided I wanted out.

You hear yourself, right?

- Oh, God, I do.
- Mm-hmm.

None of that sounded good, did it?

- Ugh.
- Mm.

Yeah, I'm... I'm starting to realize

that I might focus so much
on getting people to like me

that I don't even stop to think
if I like them first.

- You've done this before?
- Oh, big time.

Yeah, but only because I wanted

to just, like, get to the part...

where I had a serious girlfriend.

I guess I get that.

I mean, are you ever like that too?

No. The opposite.

I think every guy sucks,

and then I'm suddenly surprised
when someone is great.

And sometimes that surprise
doesn't even go anywhere.

Ah.

I guess Madison
is owed an apology?

Yeah.

And you'll, like, do that for me?
You'll just tell her about all this stuff

- and, uh...
- Davis!

Yeah.

What are you on the fence about?
This could be your big break.

I know, it's just Austin said
he'd only introduce me to his agent

if I also did him a favor.

Sleep with him? Do it.

What? No, no.
He's super into Abby,

and he wants me to talk him up.

- I'm torn.
- Dude, it's pretty obvious.

Put in a good word for him,
get an agent, get famous. Easy.

- I agree.
- What?

Davis, you're always team love.

In this case, I am team
have a famous friend

who can get me a table at the club.

Kel, this is a big opportunity.

What about your career,
your parents, your dream?

And don't forget the club.

Yeah, I don't like standing at the club.

I want that table Davis mentioned.

Okay, fine, fine.
You're right.

I will tell Abby
she should date Austin,

a rich movie star who seems
completely wrong for her,

but will sweep her off her feet
and she'll forget all about me.

Yes, and it won't matter,
because you'll be a star.

Surrounded by a ton of hotties,

- three of whom will become our wives.
- Ah!

- Cheers.
- Cheers.

Vanessa, I need to talk.

Abby, I know you styled Austin.

You do?

Yeah, well, I mean,
I wanted to know who styled him,

so I went online,
I did a little digging,

and I saw that a UConn sophomore
named Nitya Chilukuri

tagged him in a post that said,
"I can't believe my cousin

dressed Austin Blanchett."

- Oh, no.
- Oh, yes.

And I wondered,
who could Nitya Chilukuri's cousin be?

Hmm. Hmm.

- Hmm.
- Okay. Okay.

Vanessa, I'm so sorry.

- I didn't plan to...
- To steal a client?

People do it.
I just didn't think you would.

It's fine. Really.

Good luck.

Thank you again.
For everything.

- Hi.
- Hey.

- What's up?
- Uh, well, I just wanted to say thank you

for setting up that meeting with Austin.

Yeah, of course.
How did it go?

- Uh, good!
- Yeah?

I-In fact, I wanted to tell you
that Austin

is a... is a great, um...

actor!

And I don't think
he can help me get an agent,

but he did inspire me
to take an acting class.

Aw. I'm sorry.

I'm sure you will find another way
to get what you want.

Yeah.
Yeah, maybe you're right.

- Well, goodnight, Abby.
- Goodnight, Kel.

Couldn't do it?

Couldn't do it.

Love always wins.

Yeah, I sure hope so.

Come on. Let's get you in here, big guy.

Hey, Abs, just making sure
you're still alive

and Vanessa didn't k*ll you.

Oh, and, uh, the thing with Bill

was a one-off,
which is for the best.

W-Work relationships are too messy.

It's smart that we pretend
like it never even happened.

Pascarelli.

Bill?
What are you doing here?

I have a standing reservation
at Royal Bangladesh.

- Really?
- No.

No.

We should talk
about the other night.

Sure. Right.

So, obviously, we're coworkers
and colleagues.

And what happened was a mistake.

I don't think it was a mistake.

I mean, pretty f*cking stupid
to do at work,

but not a mistake.

Come with me.

Go to bed.