03x02 - Will

[bunniefuu]

RYAN:
Annie. Wake up!

You're f*ck' smart.

You're, like, a writer.

I've got a b*ner right now,

and it's partially because
of your boobs, but it's also this.

Wait. You read my article?

And you woke me up to tell me,

and you have a b*ner?
That's nice.

Well, yeah. I mean...

we're boyfriend-girlfriend now, so...

we gotta, like, support
each other's work stuff.

-Mm-hmm.
-You listen to my podcast, right?

Yes. Yes, I do.

I... I always do.

And this guy that wrote
the second article

is f*ck' pissed.

Do you guys use "Hello"
to start all your pieces, or...?

Wait. f*ck' Gabe?

"Why should my wallet
get skinnier

just so your a*s can stay fat?"

He's talkin' about my a*s.

f*ck. God damn it.

Nobody talks about your a*s but me,
m*therf*cker.

-This guy flirting with you?
-ANNIE: No.

Are you sure? I mean, is he,
like, giving you trouble?

'Cause I can take care of this guy.

I can absolutely tell that I can.

Not from his writing,
but from his picture.

He's my boss.
He's a f*ck' nightmare.

God, Amadi must've read it
because he's texted me, like,

a million times. Jesus.

f*ck' Gabe.

He's f*ck' stupid.

No, he's actually smart,

which is what makes this
so f*ck' annoying.

Hey.

It's OK.

-It's gonna be fine.
-Yeah.

I have to go to work.

-All right.
-[sighs]

But... you're gonna
get in this bed again,

like, later tonight...

and, uh, you're gonna
have to be ready for that.

Thank you.

-Bye.
-Bye.

f*ck you.

[music playing]

ANNIE:
sh*t, have you seen my keys?

Nope. Maybe Ryan has.

I heard his guttural moans
coming from your room last night.

-OK.
-FRAN: I appreciate that

he looked after Bonkers,

but as I was falling asleep,
I realized I still don't like him.

Come on, Fran.

I've wanted this for so long,
can't you just let me have it?

Like, he's really trying.

One afternoon of cuddling our dog

doesn't erase a lifetime
of horrible behavior.

If S*ddam Hussein looked after Bonkers,
I wouldn't be, like,

"S*ddam Hussein, you should
really date my best friend."

OK, what is the actual issue here?

That's he's treated you like sh*t forever.

You cheat on every woman you date,

not to mention you break up with girls
for the dumbest f*ck' reasons.

Like that last girl you broke up with
just because she listened to audiobooks.

You can't listen to a book
and then call it "reading."

OK, well, you're basically
the female Ryan.

[laughs]

Did you really just f*cking
say that to me?

Yeah. Yeah, I mean,
you say sh*t about him all the time,

but we're, like, actually together now,

so I-- I'm gonna say some sh*t back.

Look, I like that you're having
this metamorphosis,

or whatever's happening here,

but I think this sentiment
is incredibly misdirected.

Fran, I can't f*cking do this right now.

Like, I have to find my f*cking keys.

-And I have to get to work.
-I can take you to work.

Aww. You can ride
on his handlebars. Adorable.

I don't have my bike, Fran.
I have my mom's car.

OK. Let's-- Lets just go.

Fran, I-- I'm sorry.

I hope you don't think
that counts as an apology.

I demand a better one.

And you might have to
buy me stuff, too.

-[rock music on radio]
-RYAN: Hey...

this is pretty cool.

Like an adult relationship.
Driving to work together.

[laughs] Yeah, I like it.

I just, um-- Are you going to work
after you drop me off?

Nah, I think I'm gonna go home
and take a nap.

Cool.

Yeah, I'm excited.

[indistinct chatter]

-Have you read Gabe's article?
-Mm-hmm.

ANNIE: Yeah,
that was f*ck' insane.

He's, like, going after me
so hard right now. I can't even--

Hello?
Dude. What's up?

Oh, I'm just happy to see ya, you know?
Not m*rder*d and dead.

What?

You didn't see the hundreds of texts
I sent you from the horse show?

[groans] Ohh.

Oh, my God.
The horse show.

Yeah, the-- the horse show.

f*ck, Amadi,
I am such a piece of sh*t.

[stuttering] A true living piece of sh*t.
I'm so, so sorry.

I, like, had a huge fight
with my parents last night,

and then I got home
and Ryan was there,

and he was really there for me,
and I just--

I f*cked up. I forgot.

I'm really sorry. Please.
You know that's not my style.

All right, well,
you did miss a very good show.

-Oh, f*ck.
-There was this tiny horse,

and he did, like, a moonwalk thing,

and then he stanky-legged
at the end.

-What?
-AMADI: Yeah.

Fried Snickers? Hello.

-That sounds like a fantasy.
-AMADI: It was a fantasy.

It's happening.

ANNIE:
Oh. OK, I'm--

-I'm gonna follow her.
-AMADI: Mm-hmm.

-And find out wassup.
-That was creepy as hell.

-ANNIE: Yeah.
-MAUREEN: So I figured out a way

to link the IP addresses
with the user comments,

-which means that--
-You found the location of my troll.

Yeah. Yeah,
you stole that moment from me.

OK. I'm-- I'm sorry. I just--

I've got all this troll adrenaline,
'cause I'm all jacked up.

So uh, basically I just gotta figure out
which comments are his

and which are just, like,
other terrible people's.

-OK.
-Like, let's just go through it here.

-This one says, "Oink."
-Yeah.

This one say, "Oink, oink,
you little piggy sl*t."

This one says, "You must need a Sherpa
to climb the stairs."

"You have a snout
and a little piggy tail."

-OK.
-MAUREEN: And this one, again,
says, "Oink."

-Different user, but...
-ANNIE: Yeah.

You know, you actually, you don't
have to read them all out.

His user name is just "The Awesome."

So any of those, like,
see that one that says um,

"Oink oink, I bet she uses a corndog
as a dildo," that's--

-MAUREEN: Wow.
-That's him.

Oh, wow. 'Cause I don't even think
you could use a corndog as a dildo,

because it--
it would disintegrate inside.

Yeah. I'm not gonna actually try
and use a corndog as a dildo.

There's no harm in trying.

Maureen. There's some harm in trying.
Right?

Well, just depends if you dipped it
in sauce.

Oh, God.

It's not-- it's not the worst thing.

-It's meat on a stick with bread--
-But the meat protects the stick.

[Ruthie and Gabe laughing,
chattering]

RUTHIE: Stop laughing. It's true.
That's all they knew.

-RUTHIE: You're so mean.
-GABE: That's kinda lame...

I can't believe you wrote that.
Honestly.

Annie, it was a well-argued rebuttal.

And I don't like this energy
you're throwin' at me right now.

Yeah, you've got a bad energy,
sweetie.

This energy is because your rebuttal
was ignorant and mean.

How can you just stomp over
an entire group of people like that?

Maybe it's 'cause those people
are causing their own health problems.

Maybe they need to hear that.

Well, maybe someone needs
to stop being a bully.

And the millennial pulls out
the bully card.

Everyone got their cards?
Not you, Andy.

Jesus Christ,
you're a g*y man.

How can you not be sympathetic
towards this?

I was born g*y. I had no choice.
You do!

Wow, that is f*cked, Gabe.

I used to idolize you,
but you're just a close-minded coward.

You know, I think this is gonna end badly
unless you just walk away right now.

Why will it end badly for me?

Is it because I write about things
that I believe in,

-and you don't like that?
-You know, readers don't like it, either.

No, the readers do like it,

and I think that's actually
what you're scared of.

They like it enough that I have
two of the top three articles on the site,

so maybe you're the one
who this is gonna end badly for,

because I quit.

RUTHIE:
I get her chair.

GABE: Annie?

I'm gonna give you one chance
to take that back.

No. No, I'm not taking it back.

I'm serious, I quit.

I'm going troll hunting right now.
Do you wanna come with me?

I need you to say yes, because
I don't have my car with me.

Yeah. Yeah.

[rock music playing]

Damn!

That was intense.

I know. I know. I'm, like, kinda shaking,
but I feel good,

like, I actually feel amazing.

-Like, I kinda feel free.
-[phone chimes]

AMADI: OK,
we just got the text.

Maureen says that uh,
your troll makes a lot of posts

from this cafe over in Forest Grove.

So what's your plan
once you find him?

I guess I'm just gonna go
straight to full m*rder.

Those are your instincts,
to go full m*rder?

I wanna make him dead, I guess.

-All right. I'm with you.
-ANNIE: OK.

-This'll be good. This'll be fun.
-Good.

-It'll be a bonding experience.
-Thank you.

Be a nice pressure reliever for me.

Oh, my God.

[exhales]

Sorry, we might have
to make a pit stop, actually.

Those fried Snickers aren't--
they've betrayed me.

Oh, no. That's the mini-horse's revenge.

Uh-huh. I don't think
I got ten miles in me.

Um, well, actually, we're pretty close

-to my parents' house right now.
-That's great.

A soft place for you to fall
in your time of sorrow.

-STEREO: ♪ ...that you're beautiful ♪
-[Vera singing along]

-♪ As you feel ♪
-Mom.

-Um, Mom. Hey.
-Annie!

Oh! God, I didn't know
you were coming over.

-Hi.
-I'm sorry, I didn't think

that you would be here, and--

I-- This is my friend Amadi
from work.

-Oh. Hi.
-Hi, Mrs. Easton.

We were just in the neighborhood,
and he needs to use the bathroom.

Yeah, it's just down the hallway.

-AMADI: Oh, great. Uh, thank you.
-[Vera grunts]

♪ ...frustration growing ♪

-♪ And they don't see it showing ♪
-Uh! I used to love this song.

But I think it's a little unrealistic
to get up every morning

-with a smile on your face.
-Yeah.

-♪ With a smile on your face ♪
-Um, are you... OK?

-Oh, yeah, I'm fine.
-♪ All the love in your heart ♪

Your dad went to group, and...

I just needed to take a rest
for a minute.

♪ You're gonna find, yes, you will ♪
-Well, I'm...

-I'm really sorry about last night.
-♪ That you're as beautiful ♪

-And I'm really sorry about my article.
-♪ As you feel ♪

-I should've talked to you first.
-VERA: It's OK.

My mother drove me crazy
till the day she died, so...

so it's a family tradition.

-You don't drive me crazy.
-[music continues]

Hmm.

[sighs]

You know, I told your dad
to take an extra layer

before he went to group,
because that room is so cold.

And then he went in the bedroom
and got a sweater,

and afterwards he sat on the bed
for a long time

because it just seemed
to take everything out of him.

I'm sure he's OK.

You know, he-he's actually
been doing so, so good.

I used to think that if I could...

just take care of everything enough

and organize enough,

I could fix...

everything for everyone,

and... it just turns out that I can't.

- ♪ You're gonna find... ♪
-Yeah, well,

you don't have to worry
about everything.

You know, you should maybe
just take care of yourself.

-Oh--
-Do you want me to...?

VERA:
You two go to work. Go.

Well, Mom, I can stay.

No, no. I'm fine.

-Are you sure?
-VERA: I'm totally sure.

OK.

OK, but call me if you need any--
Or I'll call you.

VERA: Yeah. That'd be good.
I'd like a call.

-Have a good day!
-Thanks.

-It was nice to meet you.
-VERA: Nice meeting you.

ANNIE:
Um... OK.

AMADI: You said your mom
was a big ball of anxiety.

Seemed chill as f*ck to me.

Well, I actually think
you just witnessed

the onset of a complete
emotional breakdown.

So that was actually very nuts.

OK. Think we should go back in
and let her know

-that you just quit your job?
-[laughs] Yes.

Yes, and I want to tell her that
I once smoked a single cigarette,

and that I also lost my virginity
in the back seat of her car.

-Hmm.
-She would like that.

Yeah. Plus, she'd love
your new career as a...

[dramatic noise, in a deep voice]
...troll hunter.

Ooh! What was that?

That's the sound your shotgun makes
when you're huntin' trolls.

Oh, but I don't use a shotgun.
I use a little, tiny knife.

[crossing bell ringing]

♪ Whoa ♪

♪ You wore your black shoes... ♪

[whispering] All right,
so this is the cafe

your troll posts from a lot
in the afternoon,

so he could be here now.

What about this gym rat
over here?

-[gasps] Ooh.
-MAN: I told you before, OK?!

ANNIE:
He's a full frickin' beefcake psycho.

-Look at the veins in his shoulders.
-Damn!

-That's scary. That could be your troll.
-Yeah.

I feel kinda bad, though. We're, like--
we're profiling right now.

Oh, my God, don't. Please.
People do it to me all the time.

It's, like, "My turn."

Oh. Holy active sh**ter.
Look at the mustache on that one.

Oh, yeah. Yeah.
Totally. Full internet psycho.

[both exclaim]

-ANNIE: sh*t! Oh, my God.
-Be casual.

-ANNIE: You-- OK. Uh--
-Just be casual.

-AMADI: That was casual.
-ANNIE: It's him.

It's gotta be him.

Oh, my God. And he has his laptop,
so we can catch him in the act

-of posting something shitty.
-[phone buzzes]

All right.
I gotta take this real quick.

OK, just wait for me, all right?
I'll be right back.

-ANNIE: OK.
-OK.

[indistinct music playing]

Oh.

Oh--

-Can I help you?
-Um, yeah, maybe--

maybe you can.

Uh, what the f*ck is up, man?

I'm sorry, what?

OK, I know who you are.
You're The Awesome.

And I know you've been posting about me,

calling me
a fat-sl*t-c**t-pig-bat-witch.

I honestly have no idea
what you're talking about.

OK, yeah, well, I saw you look at me
when I walked in here.

You were looking at me.

I-- I just thought you were
my daughter's kindergarten teacher.

What?! Why do--
Everyone is constantly telling me
that I look like a kindergarten teacher.

I'm sorry. I just dropped her off,
and I thought maybe--

I don't know. You just look familiar.

OK, so you don't know, like,
what I'm talking about?

Not at all, no.

I hope your daughter has a very nice year
at kindergarten. I'm--

and I'm-- I'm very sorry.

-AMADI: I was I--
Sorry that I forgot. And I--
-It's not him at all.

OK. Yeah.

No, that's fine.

OK. All right, I'll-- I'll see you.
Good-bye. All right.

-Jesus, Cindy is pissed, dude.
-[gasps]

f*ck! My troll posted again!
That means we missed him!

OK, and that sucks, but can we
actually pick this up tomorrow?

No way! We're so close!

Annie, did you not hear what I said?
I gotta go.

No. Come on, man,
you can't bail now.

I'm not bailing on you, du--

Look, I'm an adult, OK?
I've got a wife, I've got kids,

I've got... other sh*t goin' on
in my life.

-I know.
-AMADI: All right, do you really, though?

Because it seems like
right now you're way more interested

in yourself, and your troll.

Well, that's-- that's not true.

I mean, I have a lot going on.

I don't have a job now,
and-- and Ryan--

Annie. You're still talkin'
about yourself.

Now I gotta go.
I'm sorry. Gotta--

OK.

[sad guitar music playing]

[door opens]

[sing-song] Hello?

Hey, Vera.

You were right about the extra layer,
it got cold in there.

[chuckles]

[guitar strings
playing intermittently]

Vancouver?

RYAN [on podcast]:
In cell block D

-you had Irving Addison...
-[both laughing]

But-- But anyway, you had Moses...

Ohh. It's so much worse
than I ever imagined.

Yeah, like somehow
he managed to make it worse

than the million other
trash podcasts out there. It's--

Ugh. He's a moron.

[buzzing]

I'm good to you... right?

[sighs]
f*ck yeah.

You're the best.

[romantic rock music plays]

[grunts]

God damn it!

[phone buzzing]

My girl.

ANNIE:
Hey. Um, are you busy?

Uh... not really, no.

Um, could you maybe come
and pick me up?

RYAN: Oh. Um, well,

my mom took her car back
so she could run errands,

but... I could probably get it back
from her when she goes to bed.

Oh. Um...

RYAN: [stuttering]
Or I could borrow Pete's mom's car.

Or I could pick you up on my bike.

No, no, um, that's OK.

I just, um... I'm having
kind of a weird day.

RYAN: Damn. I'm sorry. Uh...

Well, uh, what if, like, tonight...

we do... f*cking?

That'll make you feel better. Right?

Whenever I'm all stressed out

and pent up with, like...

like, stress stuff, you know,

like, I c*m and I feel-- I feel good.

Yeah, yeah, that's not really
where my head's at right now,

so I'm gonna go, OK?

Oh. Yeah. OK.

Uh, sorry. Bye, Annie.

OK. Bye.

-[Frisbee hits ground]
-No!

Unbelievable.

[phone chimes]

[mischievous music playing]

[rock music playing]

[knocking]

You're "The Awesome."

No.

Yes, you f*cking are, you coward.

What are you doing here?

So you are him.

You're the f*cking monster

who's been torturing me every day.

I don't-- I don't t*rture you,
I'm just expressing my opinion--

ANNIE: Yeah, shut up.
Just shut up.

Do you know how f*ck' lame it is

that you spend so much time

trying to hurt a complete stranger?

I'm a real f*ck' person.

And I'm just tryin' to go to work
and do my job,

and-and you're calling me a pig
every day?

And you threaten to k*ll me,

and you talk about my...
[voice breaking] my family....

and what I don't understand
the most is, why?

Is it because I'm not the type of girl
you want to f*ck?

Or maybe is it because I am
the type of girl you want to f*ck

but you're too chickenshit to admit it.

Either way, it doesn't f*ck' matter,
because f*ck you.

f*ck you. f*ck you.
I f*ck' hate you.

I'm sorry.

ANNIE: What?

-I'm sorry.
-Oh, you're sorry.

[chuckles]

I'm sorry. I don't know
what else to say.

What did I do to you?

Honestly. What?

I don't know.

Pissed me off.

That stuff that you write,
the feminist sh*t,

I don't agree with a lot of it, and...

so I thought I'd push you a little.

Or a lot.

I was big when I was a kid.

And you're... overweight--

You can say "fat."
You say it all the time.

THE AWESOME:
OK, you're fat.

But...

your writing is so confident.

And I...

I hate myself... and you don't.

It's just, like, you're out there yelling,

"This is me,
and f*ck you if you don't like it."

OK.

THE AWESOME:
Made me mad.

I'm sorry.

OK, well, thank you.

Thank you for your apology.

It's weird, by-- by trolling you,

I feel like I've gotten to know you
pretty well.

I read everything you write.

Even the stuff that pisses me off,
it sticks with me.

OK. Is that just a line
you say to all the girls that you troll?

I don't troll any other girls.

What?

I only troll you.

[quietly] Hey, would you...
[audibly] would you want to
come inside for a drink?

My God. No.

Are you insane?

That's f*cking disgusting.

You're sick. You're f*cking
more psycho than I thought.

Yeah, well, I probably couldn't even find
your p*ssy anyway, you fat cow!

What the f*ck did you just say?!

[door slams]

-f*ck you!
-f*ck you, you f*cking coward!

Get the f*ck off my property!

-f*ck you!
-f*ck you!

Moooo!

[clears throat]

[female singer vocalizing]

♪ My head is pounding ♪

-[car alarm blaring]
-♪ My mouth is dry ♪

-THE AWESOME: What the f*ck?!
-[window shatters]

Get the f*ck outta here!
f*ck you!

-You better run, you fat b*tch!
-♪ Tension turned me inside out ♪

♪ Inside out ♪

♪ Inside out ♪

[vocalizing]

♪ Fear, oh, fear ♪

♪ Please don't pull me down ♪

♪ It's just a drowning hand ♪

-♪ Reaching for me now ♪
-♪ Reaching for me now ♪

♪ I want release from absolution ♪

♪ Benediction ♪

♪ Good intentions ♪

♪ Poison wine ♪

♪ Blood ecstatic ♪

♪ Annihilate this sense of things ♪

♪ I am born into these breaking hours ♪

♪ Hour of change, change, change ♪