02x02 - Kevin

[bunniefuu]

- Excuse me-- didn't this used
to be an Indian restaurant?

- You look good.

You look like
a fancy prison lady.

- Why?
'Cause of my stripes?

I'm trying to look
professional, you know?

I mean, it's my first day
of freelancing,

and day one is the foundation
of everything.

I'm, like, buzzing right now.

- Wait. Let me feel.

You're right.
It's like bees in there.

Yeah, I feel good.

Really good.

Wait.
Do you smell weed right now?

Emily.

- There's my friend.
- Hi.

- Good morning.
- Hi, Fran.

- I have a request.
When you c*m in the night,

can you not scream like you
just got a hole in one?

- If Annie likes it-- she calls
me the c*m King.

- Pardon?
- Excuse me?

- Well, I told him
he's a c*m king.

- And what is a c*m king?

- Um, cumming so much,
making me c*m so much

that he's
the king of it-- a c*m king.

- My God.
- Yeah.

I'm not proud that it was
revealed to my friends,

but I got to do my life.
Okay, I got to go.

- Hey, wait.

Am I gonna see you at my
cabaret show tomorrow night?

- Yeah. 100%.
- Okay.

- Are you gonna go?
- Yeah.

I'm gonna make Vic
a nice little dinner before,

and then we're gonna head over.

Fran's cooking-- that means
she's in love with Vic.

- Maybe.
- Love? Fran does not do that.

- Okay.
Fran might do some love,

'cause she's a lover.

She nasty.

Okay. Bye.

- Bye.
- All right.

I have to go to the pharmacy,
and then I have to go

to "The Thorn"
and pick up my sh*t.

- Okay.
I'm gonna miss you all day.

- No.
I'm gonna miss you all day.

Eww.!

- I mean, this is insane.

Are they on break or something?

- I don't know.
- God.

CLERK, DISTANTLY: Can I get a
cashier to the front, please?

Can I get a cashier
to the front?

- Wow. Check that out.
That's a lot of hat.

My God. Mom?

Mom!
- Annie.

- Hey. Look who it is.
The g*ng's all here.

- Wait. When did you get back?
Why didn't you tell me?

- Well, I just got back
a few hours ago,

and I'm just settling in.

Well, I mean, I'm here
to pick up Dad's prescription.

- Already got it,
but thank you.

I was gonna text you
to tell you not to bother.

- Okay, but I don't understand
why you left.

I mean, I know you said
you were exhausted, but--

- Okay, well, you know,
it's just, you know,

western Canada is so beautiful,

and I wanted to see it,
and so I went.

But I want to hear
about you, Annie.

Dad tells me that you quit
your job?

That's a big move.

- But it's actually
a very good big move,

because now
I'm gonna do freelance,

which is actually
probably better for me.

- Okay, if you say it's okay.

Did we get Q-tips?
I'm gonna get some Q-tips.

- Dad, why is she being
so insane and dodgy and weird?

- Annie, please.
She's back.

Let's just take it one step
at a time, all right?

I'm f*cking exhausted.
- Okay.

- I'm sorry--
- Hey.

- You haven't said
anything about this.

I think it's darn cute.
- Yeah.

- What do you think, Annie?

- It's a-- it's--
Wow, it's a hat.

And, yeah.

I love it.

I love it.

I love it too.

- f*ck.

f*ck.

Are you back?

- No. No way.

I'm my own boss now, so...

- Well, don't worry.
Gabe's not here.

- Yeah. I'm not worried.
I can handle Gabe.

- Look at this.
The As together again.

Annie, Andy...

- Angus.

- Yeah.
Very-- very cool.

- Yeah.
- What the f*ck is happening?

- Hi.
- Look who's back.

- Well, just to get my sh*t.

Hey, did you get my texts
about my troll?

- Yeah. I did, and I'm sorry
that I didn't get back to you,

but I got a little swamped
at work with the new promotion.

- What?
- Yeah.

Creative director.

- Damn! That's amazing.

- So what's up?
What happened with the troll?

- My God, it was insane.

I went to his house,
and then we basically had,

like, a screaming face-off.

- That's f*ck' wild.
- I know, right?

I think I might write about it.
- Yeah. You definitely should.

I've never heard of somebody
meeting up with

an internet creep like that.
That's crazy.

- Right?
- Sir...

- Yeah?
- Your call's starting now.

- Sorry.
I got to take this call thing.

I want the rest--
Ruthie, would you mind

setting up a lunch with Annie
and me next week?

- Yes. I can
absolutely do that.

- My God.
- Okay.

- My God!

- Thanks, Ruthie.

- God, her ponytail
went in my mouth.

- You all right?
- Yeah.

I got to get out of here.

- I've never known you to be
so into someone.

Are you really in love
with Vic?

- I know.
It's mad.

I just think
she's f*cking cool.

The other day, we were making
out in the back of a Lyft,

and I actually thought, "What
if I married this person?"

- Fran,
you know that Vic--

and I'm sure you know
this already--

you know that Vic
sees other people?

- Yeah. At first.

But she'd have to be bionic now
to have time for anyone else.

- Okay. I don't want to have
to tell you this,

but do you remember
my client Gwen?

- Gwen, yes, with
the extremely high breasts.

- Okay. Yes.
Well, her roommate Sue Anne

and Vic have been a thing
for, like, three years now.

And last week, Gwen told me
she needed a new roommate,

because Sue Anne and Vic
moved in together.

- That's bullshit.

- It's not.

- Yeah, I mean,
it's probably just as friends.

I think I would know.
- Okay.

Do you want to see
Sue Anne's Instagram?

- No.
- Come on.

Every time we go out,

we run into at least
three people you've f*cked.

Now, what Vic is doing
is not that crazy.

She's just protecting herself.

Are you texting her?

Do you think maybe
this is a conversation

you and Vic need to have
in person?

- f*ck no.
I'm not texting her.

Deleting her number.

Blocking her on all socials.

Block. Block. Block. Done.

- You okay?

You sure you're not
a little sad?

- Of course I'm sad.
I'm very, very sad.

It's a very sad
and tragic thing

when someone as young
as Vic dies

and is dead to me and no longer
exists on this earth,

but we have to move on
and live our lives,

because God knows Vic can't.

- Ruthie, is that my stuff?

Those are my photos.
- Whatever.

I just feel like it's funnier
if I have them.

- What the hell?
This is, like, all my family.

- Do you think you
can just take my stuff

because I'm trans?

- No.

- Then it's because
I'm a veteran.

- Jesus.
God damn it, Ruthie. Here.

You can have this one
of my family.

- This is the one I was hoping
you'd let me keep.

You look so cool there.
You look really cool.

- I look like sh*t.

I'm wearing a sweater vest and
I'm holding an Easter basket.

- Hey, thought I recognized
that voice.

Hey, Annie.
- Gabe. Hi, um...

Yeah, I was just leaving.
- Yeah.

I got to get back to work.
I'm starting a new band.

What do you think
about the name "Screed"?

- Very cool.
- Or "Jaunty."

Thinking about "Dimple" also.

- Wow. Awesome.

- So what's up?
What's next?

Where do I get to read
the new Annie Easton piece?

- Well, I'm freelance now,

so no whims
to answer to but my own.

- Wow. You're probably talking
about my whims.

Okay.

- Well, I think a lot of people
read my last article, so...

- Well, sure, you're talented,
but, you know,

here you have
a built-in audience.

Out there, you're on your own.

- All right.
Well, I know what I'm doing,

so I'm gonna go do it.
- You should do it.

You should do it elsewhere.
I'm gonna go in here.

I'm gonna write a song
called "Annie's Future."

It's gonna be a short song.

- Hi. I'm looking
for Kevin O'Donnell.

- Are you here for the
Clear Blast Gum meeting?

- Um, yeah. That's right.

- You're late.
Conference Pod J,

right down
the hall to your left.

- Thanks.

Okay, team.
Before we get too deep

into any of our ideas
for Clear Blast,

I want to try
a little brainstorm.

Yeah!

- Yeah!
- All right?

When I toss you the ball,

you say any adjective you
associate with the word "gum."

I'll start. Gum is fun.

Susan.
- Um...Gum is flavor.

- Awesome.
- Yeah.

Gum is young.

- Awesome.
Or gum is "yum."

Gum is fearless.

- Yes!
I love that.

That's awesome.

Okay. Yeah.
That is going up on the board.

- Yeah.
- You guys, you are en fuego.

- It's all you, Kev.

- f*ck!
- Are you okay?

Sorry.

My distant adult niece is here.
You guys just keep going.

I'm sorry.
I'm a little shocked,

because it's been a little-- she
disappeared a long time ago,

and she actually is a junkie.

You guys can keep talking
about-- I have to, um...

What the f*ck are you
doing here-- Are you insane?

- No.
I just wanted to talk to you.

- How'd you find me?
- How do you think?

- f*cking internet.
- Well, I'm not here to,

like, out you or whatever.

I want to write
about what happened,

and the other night
was so chaotic,

so I need
to actually interview you.

- No. You can't do that.
That would ruin me.

- Why?
- Because that'll ruin me.

You can't interview me.
If you try, I'll ruin you.

You smashed my car.
- So what?

You called me a pig,
like, a million times,

and you made fun of my dad
having cancer.

- So?
That glass was custom tinted.

It cost $2,500 to get it fixed.

I'm not gonna let you interview
me until you pay for that.

- Well, I'm never paying
for those,

and if you try and make me,

I'll tell everyone
in Conference Pod J

that you like to call women
"porky c*m gobblers."

- Shh.

- Meet me outside
in the parking lot

next to the building
in 15 minutes.

- Okay. It'll be good.
Be very healing for us.

- 15 minutes.
- Okay.

- You know, I thought I was
a good boyfriend.

I bought her stuff constantly.

- Wow.
- Then she broke up with me,

and I just-- I don't know.

I snapped.
She dumped me for Colin,

my best friend
since junior high.

- Yeah, that sounds
very hard.

I guess I...

- Colin's f*cking ripped.
- Yeah.

Most Colins are jacked as hell.

But, you know, a lot of people
go through breakups,

but they don't start
harassing women online.

Like, I don't understand
what you get out of it.

- I don't know.

Maybe it made me feel like
I had some power over someone.

- Okay. But the person
you had power over was me,

and I'm a stranger.
I just-- why?

Like, is it 'cause
of my weight?

- I don't know, okay?
We've already

talked about this.
What do you want from me?

I just-- I don't want to talk
about this anymore.

I want this to be done.
You came to my house,

and you yelled at me,
and you smashed my car,

and now you're at my work,
and I just want it to stop.

- Okay. Okay. Just relax.
- I can't!

I just want it to stop.
I can't--

- Okay. Are you--
- I don't know what you want
from me, I just--

- My God.
Are you scared of me?

- Yes. I'm really scared,
okay?

The trolling's over. I promise.

I'll leave you alone forever.

I talked to you
for your article now,

so can I please
just have my life back?

- Just stop
freaking the f*ck out.

- Okay.
- Okay.
- Fine!

- Just chill.
f*ck! Okay?

I think that I have
what I need for my article,

and I honestly feel like,
in a weird way,

I kind of understand
your whole deal now,

so let's just-- let's call it.

- Okay.

So is this gonna be
in "The Thorn"?

- No. I'm freelancing now,
so I, um...

it's for my own thing.

It's for my blog.

- So this isn't even
a real thing?

- f*ck you.
It's a real thing.

- Okay.
- It's a real thing,

and it's-- it'll be online.
It's all the same.

- Okay. I'm sorry. All right?

It's a real thing. Okay?

- Okay.
- I just-- I want to say

I think
this was really good for me.

- I got to go.
- Yeah. Me too.

It was actually
really nice to see you.

- I'm not gonna hug you...
- Sorry, sorry--

- You f*cking psycho.
- I'm sorry, I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.

- Buddy. Hi.

Aww.

What the f*ck?

Fran?

Are you up?
We slept the whole day.

What are we, dead from
carbon monoxide poisoning?

- I wish.
- My God.

I was up till 7:00
in the morning writing.

Are you just getting up too?

- I was up earlier.
I took Bonkers out.

I just got back into bed.

- Okay. What's going on?

- Am I a bad person?

Should I just never date
anyone ever again?

- No. Of course not.
What is this all about?

- Vic has another girlfriend.

- sh*t.

I'm sorry. What?

I don't understand.

I thought you guys
were getting serious.

- Yeah. So did I.
I mean, tell me the truth.

You're the one who called me
the female Ryan.

Am I just this cruel person
who uses people?

- No. No, you're not cruel.

And also, you can always change
if you want to.

And you are changing.

You fell for Vic.
That's huge for you.

- Yeah. I don't know.

- Well, you don't have to know
anything

right in this moment.

And you know what?
Here's what we need to do.

Let's go to Emily's
show tonight.

- I'm not really
feeling it right now.

- Come on.
Do it for Emily.

You don't need another l*sbian
in this town against you,

especially one that deals weed.

- Okay.
I will consider going tonight

if you wear the Christmas
present I got you.

Okay. If...you go out tonight,

I will wear the Christmas
present that you got for me.

- Really? In public?

- Yes, I will.

- Yes!

- I'm worried
I'm gonna be arrested

for the amount of tit
I have going on right now.

Are you happy?

- I'm very happy,
and I love the little hearts.

- Yeah, well,
those are my n*pples.

Tonight, I'm gonna try
and forget about this Vic sh*t.

- Yeah. Totally.

All right, can I put
my jacket back on now?

- No, no.
This is all night long.

- Hello!
- Hi!

- You have to see the look.
- Wow.

- 53 comments?

"My uncle added 8 inch
to his p*nis.

Here's how"?

What?

- You okay?
- Yeah.

I just-- I wrote this thing,
and no one's looked at it.

Except there's 50 comments
from a f*cking p*nis bot.

- God. When did Rose
get so cute?

No offense, honey.
Grinding only, b*tch.

- I grind, b*tch.

- Yeah!
- Whoo!

- Whoo!
- Yes. Yes.

Big hand for Emily
and Hot 'n' Motley.

You know, before this,
I was singing

at the MAX station by my house.

A gorgeous commuter
threw a penny at my head,

and I took that penny,
and I bought this jacket,

and it is good, isn't it?

- Yeah!
- Whoo!
- It's good.

So I appreciate
what it means to have a space

like this to perform for you,
my gorgeous audience.

The first Monday
of every month,

we're here, we're q*eer,
we're doing as we damn please.

I'll sing for you now, but
just know that this...

is for you.