Tonight on Would I Lie To You,
he reads the news, it's Michael Buerk!
He reads the Beano, it's Russell Howard!
And their team captain, Lee Mack!
And facing them tonight,
dancing with the stars, it's Anton Du Beke.
Robbing up the bar, it's Danny Baker.
And their team captain, David Mitchell.
But first, ignore local planning permission
and raise the roof for your host, Angus Deayton!
Good evening and welcome to Would I Lie To You,
the show in which our guests are called upon
to lie and deceive deliberately,
despite none of them having the necessary political or journalist training.
In some ways, liars are like Take That,
They come in all shapes and sizes, but like Take That,
they can also come back and haunt us years later.
Lying is the No.1 reason that relationships fail,
that and putting a delicate woolwash on that 60 degrees.
And it has been known for suspected liars to have to prove their innocence
by carrying a red hot iron bar in their bare hands for 9 paces.
But enough about round 2, let's concentrate on our first round, Home Truths,
in which panellists read out a statement from the cards in front of them.
And the opposing team seek to establish
whether it's the truth or a filthy lie.
As ever, they'd like me to point out
they've no idea what's written on the cards at this moment.
By which I think they mean don't blame them if they c*ck it up.
Anton has been chosen as the first to boldly go.
I recently helped Bruce Forsyth hang a picture in his bathroom.
What was the picture of?
It was a picture of everybody
in this year's series of Strictly Come Dancing.
All the contestants, all the pros,
all the judges and Bruce and Tess.
Did you do the adjustment and he just stood behind going.
"Higher, lower."
The producers of the show had this and asked me if I would drop it round.
So I took it along,
and I hung it in his bathroom for him,
then we popped off and had a round of golf.
What's Bruce Forsyth's bathroom actually like?
Quite large, really.
I mean, it's not dissimilar to this area here.
With Angus Deayton sitting on the toilet.
The thing about all bathrooms... Well, the bathrooms I've been in...
There's actually...There's never usually a big space for a picture there,
There usually tends to be like, lots of mirrors and cabinets.
Picturing Brucey, I mean lots of cabinets full of lotions.
Particularly for the hair there, you know what I mean?
- Exactly, just varnish. - What...
I can't listen to this any longer.
This is Bruce Forsyth you're talking about.
Just whereabouts is the house?
Just give us the rough area.
We don't want the street or the number.
Over by Wentworth.
- By Wentworth, is it? - The golf club.
Is it tastefully furnished?
- It's beautifully furnished. - Well it bloody sounds tacky to me,
what you've described so far.
He's got a picture of himself in the bathroom going...
Lee's team?
What do you think Michael?
k*ll him.
Turned into Caligula.
Well, I...What do you think, Russell?
I think it's a lie.
- I suspect it's a lie. Should we go for lie? - I think it's a lie. Yeah.
They're all unanimously saying lie,
so Anton, reveal all.
Well, alas,
- it's a lie. - It is a lie.
Yep, it is a lie.
Anton did not help Bruce Forsyth hang a picture in his bathroom,
Bruce only has one picture in his house
and that's a painting in the loft that
remains youthful whilst Bruce gets older and older.
So Russell, your astounding fact, please.
I was Argos Nationwide Employee of the Year 1997.
- Few people applauding, remembering again. - Congratulations.
How long were you an employee of Argos?
I was there for 3 years.
How old were you at the time?
I was 17 in 1997.
Right. What do you think you're particularly good at?
Why do you think you won the award?
Just going "Yes, I'll get that for you."
and getting it.
- You were a national employee? - Apparently there was...
- Yeah. - So there must have been some sort of...
with the rounds and the finals.
I mean, how did they analyze that
your performance was so much better than your...
- Do you know what they do? - It wasn't the Argos Factor.
Simon Cowell going, "You're rubbish!"
What's sad about it is that
each store puts forward their young employee of the year.
And then they have a mystery shopper come around.
You sort of know the time period they're gonna arrive.
- So you're kind of on your toes, making sure you're right... - Just that?
Just a customer?
- So were you at school for some of that... - I was at college.
Yeah, so it's like a part-time job.
Yeah.
So the employee of the year was part-time?
On the basis that he's not there long enough
to do as many f*ck-ups as anyone else.
I have to say that the thing that...I wasn't buying it at all
but the "sending a mystery shopper round"
- that actually seems like a plausible system. - It seems plausible, yeah.
- But um... - You seem quite pleased with that yourself.
- You think it's a lie. - I'm suspecting it's a lie.
- Well I'm gonna go with my team and say it's a lie. - You're saying it's a lie.
- OK, Russell? - It's a lie.
Yep, it's a lie.
Russell did not win Argos' nationwide employee of the year 1997.
Strangely, the one thing they don't sell in Argos is really short pens.
Michael, you're next up.
I used to share a house with Sue Lawley.
All right.
Right.
Where...What period of your career is this?
- Very early on. - Right.
You were just housemates. you weren't in a relationship?
That's a rather intrusive question, isn't it?
I mean, you don't have to answer it.
- No, no. - I think the answer would interest people.
- Well I... - Particularly if it's 'yes'.
Yeah, I need to clarify this.
We were in the same house, but not in the same relationship.
Right.
I was frightened to death of her, actually.
Were you the only two...
- No, no, no. There were several other people. - Other newsreaders or...
Trevor McDonald and...
Every time the chime went at 10 o'clock, they all looked up like that.
Where was this?
It was in Cardiff.
And the house number?
I can't remember, I'm afraid.
- Ooooh. - I'm trying to be honest here.
I think the phrase 'I'm trying to be honest here'
could be overused in this game.
But...So why were you and Sue Lawley both based in Cardiff?
We were both trainee reporters on the same newspaper.
Which newspaper?
It was the South Wales Echo.
Can I ask, if we produce Sue now, we're not going to, we said,
what is the one big story
that both of you would said, "Yeah! Classic ...!"
What would it had been?
No actually, I seem to remember that somebody caught a sturgeon.
Well done.
Somebody caught a sturgeon in the Bristol Channel.
Whoever it was gave it to the newspaper.
And Sue cooked it for dinner in the house.
And we all had a dinner party eating the sturgeon.
- Why did you get it? - Well, we work on the newspaper, you see?
And the person wanted publicity or so, I don't remember it.
It's a long time ago.
Well, it's sturgeon night, I mean.
I remember the details of every sturgeon-based anecdotes in my armory.
I...Well, I...Yes.
I don't know, it was the door number thing that threw me,
knowing the story might be in the offing.
- Well, what do you think? - I'd tell you, a year in a house with Sue Lawley
and nothing went on?
- You can't believe that? - I can't believe it, I'm afraid.
You think, she'd have jumped him at some stage.
- Yeah, I'll... - We think it's a lie.
They're saying it is a lie. Michael, time to come clean.
It's all true.
Yes, it was true.
Michael did once share a house with Sue Lawley.
They used to sit down together to watch 9 o'clock news,
and if there was a long pause at the top of the show,
one of them would realize they were in the wrong place.
So with all the vitality of a taxidermy display cabinet
we come to round 2, Ring of Truth.
It's my job to furnish the panelists with some celebrity facts.
and it's their job to establish whether or not those facts are true.
First of those dreaded words, it's Alan Titchmarsh.
Oh what a wonderful thing to be
A healthy grown up busy busy bee;
Toying with the tulips, tasting every type,
Building up the honey-comb that looks like tripe.
I'd like to be a busy little bee
Being as a busy as a bee can be
Flying all around in the wild hedgerows,
Stinging Jeffrey Smith upon his parson's nose!
Bz bz bz bz, honey bee, honey bee,
Bz if you like but don't sting me,
Bz bz bz bz, honey bee, honey bee,
Buzz if you like, but don't sting me!
It's not a proper program!
It was, actually, broadcast. That was a television show.
It was part of 'sh*t Week'!
So here is the related fact.
Yeah.
But since Alan moved to Scotland, they can only get there once a week.
So they don't have to do it any more.
I don't believe people rush up and kiss Alan Titchmarsh.
Do you reckon he ever just goes here and stands still?
I mean the idea that people would walk up and kiss the statue
rather than have their photo took...However,
you wouldn't be intimidated by a waxwork of Alan Titchmarsh.
I think you would walk up and get matey,
probably do that, kiss his cheek.
Yes, I think there might be something in this.
I also imagine that the people who want to kiss Alan Titchmarsh
might wear quite a lot of lipstick, you know.
What exactly are you saying?
I was imagining sort of, powdery old ladies,
with hideously
Reeking of lavender and gin.
Mumbling to themselves, "Busy bee, busy bee, buzz buzz...."
The Queen did say about Alan Titchmarsh,
"You've given a lot of ladies a lot of pleasure."
Wow.
She has got a filthy sense of humor.
I think I'm moving towards believing it.
I'm saying yes.
I'll go with you 'cause you are captain.
- Yes, OK, I think it's true. - We think it's true.
They're saying it's true and I can tell you it is...
Absolutely true.
Yes, it is true.
Alan Titchmarsh's waxwork figure does have lipstick
washed from his face twice a week.
Likewise, the Kylie Minogue figure has to be washed twice a week,
ironically by Jason Donovan,
he works there part-time as a cleaner.
Also every week, James Blunt's figure
has to have the dents beaten out of it,
And Michael Jackson's waxwork has been melted down,
and now looks exactly like him.
So a cursory glance at the score is enough to remind us that
it's Lee's team who seem to holding all the cards,
leading as they do, 4-2.
Our next round goes by the unfinished title of This Is My.
In which Lee's team will each claim to have a connection with our mystery guest,
and David's team take it upon themselves to find out who's telling the truth.
Three possibilities, two liars. one truth.
And no option but to plow on.
This week, no fewer than two guests.
So please welcome this week's special guest people, Chris and Jill.
So, Russell, what are Chris and Jill to you?
This is Chris and Jill. I interviewed them on my radio show
because they claimed that they were abducted by aliens.
Michael, perhaps you'd like to tell us how you know Chris and Jill?
This is Chris and um, Ji...Jill.
Who...um...
Who were fellow members of the Guildford Walking and Dining Club.
And finally, Lee, your relationship with Chris and Jill?
This is Chris and Jill. They once helped me dispose of a dead body
after I k*lled a man in a car park.
Not really, just trying to add a bit of spice to proceedings.
This is Chris and Jill.
- Right. - And I once slept in their shed for a whole summer.
So there you have it, some abducted radio fans according to Russell,
some rambling diners according to Micheal, or Lee's personal shed landlords.
- David. - This absurdity about alien abduction.
Well, they claimed it, that's why we interviewed them.
What was the story they told you?
We read it in the Alton gazette, and then we interviewed them
because apparently, they met some guy called Zargon, I think.
It's about a year ago.
- And Zargon was... - Zargon.
- Zargon. - It's their story. I'm relating it...
- and the... - Maybe it's their story, you're just relating it.
But it maybe also be bullshit you're thinking up now, so...
- Zargon work at Argos. - No, he doesn't!
But, this is where it gets very, very bizarre.
Because Zargon started asking them what 'this' was.
Pointing to a wheely bin. And Jill had to explain what a wheely bin was.
Which she did very well. And then they woke up in a skid the next day.
Where did they meet Zargon?
I did suggest that maybe they've gotten drunk
and woken up at a fancy dress party.
But they declined that.
Apparently, they went to his shed, which looked a bit like, and I quote,
'a Yeti's wine large, but full of aliens'.
- Where were they when the ship abducted them? - Just outside Coventry.
Were they in a car?
They were in a car before they were sucked out of it.
So they're driving the car, they get sucked out of their car,
thinking 'What the hell is going on? The car is rudderless.
It's carrying on the Coventry bypass.
So then, there they are, in the Yeti's wine bar with all the other aliens.
I'm sorry, David, but what part of this story doesn't add up?
It's their story, and what a story it is!
- So, maybe you'd like to talk to Michael now? - Yes.
- So again, these people you know from..? - From Gilford.
Chris is the Edmund Henry of the home counties.
And Jill is the Delia Smith of the [something].
- And it is a rambling and dining... - Walking and dining.
Gilford walking and dining...Which bit of this don't you understand?
We go out for a walk and then we go and dine.
You go around someone's house to dine?
- You don't go to a restaurant or...? - Yes, we do.
- Yeah, that's right. - So what's happened the most recent meeting?
Where did you walk, who's house did you eat at, what did you have?
Well, it was actually yesterday.
- Yeah. - And where is the walk?
It was in Surrey, near Gilford. It was Leatherhead.
- Leatherhead. - Who was hosting the dinner?
- Zargon. - Zargon.
Not our house, not Chris or Jill's house.
- But another couple in the group. - Can you...
bother to make up the name of two people?
I think this is far too plausible.
Yeah, but he hasn't...He hasn't even finished the story yet.
- Well what happened then? - It's a big swinger's thing,
and they all get together.
They've got blushy.
What was the shed scenario, Lee?
It's a thing that poor people have in their gardens to put tools in.
I know what a shed is.
- Oh I see, sorry. - Why were you sleeping in the shed?
Well, it's a good question, David.
Thank you.
I was...It was when I first came to London.
And a friend of mine who lived in London
introduced me to Chris and Jill,
I slept in the...I rented the room of them.
Spare room. And they had renovations done
and so I had to leave.
And I was desperate.
And we came up with some genius plan
where I would sleep in the shed.
When you say 'shed',
you mean, like a proper one, is it in a garden set or
- is this just...a cardboard house... - No, this was...
It wasn't...It was a proper shed.
It wasn't...like insulated or any of that.
Didn't have any electric setting, ready plumbing for it.
These good people don't look like the kind
that would tolerate someone living there in a shed.
They look like the kind of people who'd look at each other and go,
"we can't have that."
- "We can't have that. We're putting back my [something]." - Yeah.
but you say that, don't let that look deceive you.
because they also once helped me bury a man that I k*lled in the carpark.
Who is that?
I must say, I'm finding the most plausible story at the moment
- to be Lee's. - Absolutely.
There are definitely people in the world
who think they've been abducted by aliens.
Radio stations certainly would get in touch with them
and sort of try to exploit...
We had a fantastic Sunday. Great Sunday.
- But I think the story would be less... - Insane.
It's their story, don't mock them. They're good people.
- They just had a tricky weekend. - I know, I'm in a situation that
if it turns out it is your story, I have,
by, you know, accident, sort of mocked them,
and I've apologized for that in advance.
If that is the case. However, I don't believe that aliens exist.
And there's no getting around the fact that if it is the story,
I think...You know, you are a bit wrong about that.
Alright, we need an answer, so David's team,
are these people Russell's radio abductees,
are they Michael's rambling dining companions,
or Lee's shed providers?
Anton, what do you reckon?
I think I'm going for Lee's shed.
- Yeah. - I think the shed...
I think the rambling society is obviously very plausible.
But it's so very plausible.
- Yeah. - We'll go with Lee.
Right, they're saying it's Lee,
so, well, perhaps Chris and Jill would like to tell us who they really are?
We are, in fact, companions in Michael's walking and dining club.
So congratulations to them.
Yes, Chris and Jill are indeed Michael's walking and dining friends.
Sometimes, reading the news just isn't exciting enough.
So, at the end of that round,
well, it appears to be David's team who are struggling to make an impression,
trailing as they are, 5-2.
Not a moment too soon, we come to the final round, Quickfire Lies,
in which our panelists lie not only through their teeth, but against the clock.
Again, they don't know whether they're gonna be
reading out a true fact about themselves,
or a made-up lie that they've never seen before.
Plus, they may also be suddenly given a possession in this round,
which they will have to claim is theirs,
and may go some way to explain the general air of panic.
David's team are behind.
So need to get even, not mad.
Starting with Lee.
My parents had to change my name to Lee
because I couldn't pronounce my real name properly.
What was your real name?
- Don't make him force you, it's alright. - My...My real name...
My real name...I was actually christened Leo.
Now, I know you're thinking, why can't I pronounce Leo.
But I was so...I don't know what it was.
But I had a slight speech impediment.
What was this speech impediment... Impediment that you can't say ‘o'?
It was awful. Lee could never convey surprise.
The thing is..
I had a very...
I had a very weird speech impediment.
It was that, I couldn't stop. So I used to say "Leo——".
And I used to go on for a long time. So they got a bit sick of it.
What age did they you know, say, "Oh, he's never gonna learn."
- You know, "He's two, he can't even say his name." - Well...
It was about the...It was about the age of 4 or something like that.
They...Because they used to call me Lee anyway.
They used to abbreviate Leo and they said
"You know what, let's just leave it at Lee."
Why would they do that and keep the Lee?
- Yeah. Maybe if we knock off a syllable, - And why did you carry on with Lee?
he'll stop there. I mean, you might have gone "Lee——".
Which, in a way, it's worse. It's even more boring than "Leo——".
P.G. Wodehouse was known as Plum
all his life despite his name is Pelham.
And when he was little he couldn't say it. So there is precedence.
And you're quite like P.G. Wodehouse in lots of other ways.
Well, I can't buy this, because I don't think parents would change.
- Do you? - No, I think at the age of four, they'd go,
"Oh, he'll learn. We wanted to call him Leo."
So, I think it's a no.
- Do you think? - Alas, I think 'Lee' is enough.
- Yeah, we think it's a lie. - It's a unanimous lie.
Lee, tell us. Truth or lie.
It's a lie.
It is a lie.
Lee's parents did not change his name
because he couldn't pronounce his real name properly.
It's difficult when you're stuck with an embarrassing name from your parents,
which is why Fifi Trixibelle Geldof now refers herself to Fifi Trixibelle Smith.
Next, Michael.
It says possession here.
- So... - Open your box and tell us what's in it.
- Ah, here we go. - It's a dead body!
This is an ashtray that I stole from 10 Downing Street.
An audible gasp.
Where did you secrete it?
I put it in my raincoat pocket, actually.
Because you get to the cloakroom.
You know, during the...I have,
I have to say, a couple of drinks.
And I popped up in the...
You know, I got a raincoat with quite big pockets.
They don't search it when you're going.
Is there anything on it that identifies it as 10 Downing Street?
Don't look at it.
No.
Which prime minister were you stealing it from?
Tony Blair.
- Oh well, fine, forget it. - Who knows...
Who knows how you could've changed history?
Shall we go to w*r, Cherie, or not?
I'll have a a cigar and think about it. No ashtray! We'll go to w*r.
That's what you did.
Next, the consequences. Are you proud of what you did?
No, I do feel very guilty about it.
- But actually.. - Yet, you show it off on television.
I like the idea of you [something] on a bus and going...
It's Tony Blair's. And people going, "Is it, mate, is it?
Is it...Have you had it valued?
I do like the idea of Michael turning up on the Antique Road Show,
and going, "Could you value this, Michael Aspel?"
It's a wonderful piece, where did you get it?
I robbed it from 10 Downing Street.
Do you normally nick stuff?
It was...
Archbishop Tutu at the end of your interview, going
"My cross, it was here, right?"
Actually, you're dressed quite like a jewel thief.
The lights suddenly go off.
What are you thinking, David?
- What do you think? - Well, I'm thinking, I think it's true.
I don't...I have to say, it doesn't look to me like it's hugely valuable.
But I think it's kind of substantial enough
that it could've been in 10 Downing Street.
- Um, David, an answer. - Well, you think it's true...
I was thinking this is true.
- You think it's... - I don't think it's true.
- It's your call. - So Michael, I think it's a lie.
You're saying it's a lie.
Michael, reveal all.
It's a lie.
It is a lie.
Well done.
It's a lie.
Michael did not steal an ashtray from 10 Downing Street.
He couldn't, as his pockets were too full of
the Woolworths ‘pick n mix’ he lifted earlier on.
Next, Anton.
I was a teenage boxer,
but I quit because I had a mouth ulcer.
Where did you box?
In Sevenoaks, where I live.
- At school or in a boxing club or... - No, in a boxing club.
What was the club called?
It was called Sevenoaks Boxing Club.
That's very handy.
- So what...Are you a boxing fan, then? - Yeah, I am.
- Still are, yeah? - Yeah.
So what...Can you tell me the name of a couple of moves?
- Can you... - There's a familiar...
- The punch. - Yeah, there's a familiar thing...
- The right-handed punch. - Anton, hang on, hang on.
- The right-handed punch, yeah. Any more? - And there's another one.
It's a very nifty move.
- It's not the left-handed punch, is it? Yeah, of course. - It's called the left-handed punch.
What was your boxing nickname?
I was Anton the k*ller...
Dubec.
Did you, at this time, have an interest in ballroom dancing?
- It was about the same time I started ballroom dancing. - Wow.
The same time?
About...I used to do boxing on a Tuesday night,
- and ballroom dancing on a Wednesday. - I'll tell you what,
those other boxers must be quaking in their moves.
Ooh, not the ballroom dancer!
In fairness, they'd never catch him if he started tangoing around the ring.
He just grab hold of them in a clench and sort of move them round.
I'm leading, I'm leading.
Who are your boxing heroes?
- My boxing heroes... - Wayne Sleep, Rudolf Nureyev, the whole...
You're quite an all-rounder, weren't you?
Are you good at football, as well?
I was good at football.
Yeah, I play for the county.
And why did you give up that, a verruca?
Do you know, I've just got an image of you now,
dancing with all the celebrities like that, all swaving and going,
I get a lot of mouth ulcer, really.
When I was a boy, I grew out of it, really.
I'm alright now.
- Ladies. - So, Lee,
do you believe Anton?
- I think that's true. - I think it's true.
OK, we'll go with truth.
OK, they're saying it's true. Anton, gospel or garbage?
Anton the k*ller.
- It is true. - It is, absolutely true.
Yes, it is.
Next, Danny.
I won a jukebox off Vinnie Jones in a game of poker.
Where did this take place?
It was actually within the BBC.
He was doing a football show, called 606.
And Vinnie turned up, and if you knew Vinnie Jones,
you'd end up either hunting,
doing that thing with the clay pigeon sh**ting,
or playing cards with them.
And so I fit into a game of cards, and I don't play cards very well,
but I absolutely thrashed him, I've no idea about poke,
let me say that. None.
Now that's handy for this inquisition, isn't it?
- Got that in quick, didn't you? - No, no, I don't...
- It's called the 21. - You must remember the hand that you had when you won the...
Yes, I do remember the hand I had, and it was 2 queens.
What did he have that you beat?
I've no idea. I can not remember that. I'd like to say I could.
But the fact is, he said, "I'll tell you what I play for."
"You like music, don't you? I have a jukebox give to me.“
And so he said, "I'll have it" and it became a running joke on the show.
If any of you remember it.
Oh, I do remember I used to listen to show a lot.
I don't remember that running joke.
Have you still got it?
No, I haven't. A brother-in-law got it in an arch over at Nunhead.
- What arch? -It's an arch. It's their workplace. In railway arch in London.
Loads of people work in...within it.
So it's on the railway track above the arch?
No, no, no. In the arch.
- First time I've ever heard the phrase "It's in the arch". - Lee.
The advantage of language is that
you don't have to have heard the whole phrase recently
to be able to divine its meaning.
What type of jukebox is it?
It's not a Wurlitzer, it's not a Rock-Ola.
Is an AMI 1959 J Selection 200?
- 'Cause that's what I've got. - Really?!
Yeah, I won it off Paul Gascoigne in a game of Skittles.
So Lee, is this sounding plausible?
I think it's true.
I find Danny so charming, I could [something].
There's a bit of unessential detail there, isn't it?
Don't you think?
If it was anybody else, I would say it's definitely a lie.
But there's something about Danny Baker which stinks of truth.
Michael's saying it's a lie, you're saying it's true.
I'm going for age over youth.
And I'm gonna say that that is in fact a lie.
OK, they're saying it's a lie.
Danny, what is the truth?
Well, we could get a cab to Nunhead.
And I couldn't show it to you. It's a lie.
Well done.
Yes, it is a lie.
Danny did not win a jukebox off Vinnie Jones in a game of poker.
Vinnie must be great at poker,
since as proven by all his films he's been in,
his face betrays no emotion whatsoever.
Which joyless buzzing sound means at the end of tonight's show,
it's Lee's team who are this week's demigods,
having lauded over David's team 7-6.
So overnight stardom to our winners.
Instant obscurity for our losers.
And we leave you with a reminder that
some of the most common lies that people tell are sex-related.
Three most popular being "I'll still respect you",
and "Yes, of course, I've got the key to those handcuffs."
Good night.
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Did you know that you can remove censorship board-wide, use our advanced search functions, be notified when new content is posted, join our memberships, set episodes to show in any order you want & more if you are logged into your account?
Register or sign in here: ucp.php?mode=register