02x05 - Hugh Dennis, Eamonn Holmes, Olivia Colman, Peter Serafinowicz

[bunniefuu]

Tonight on Would I Lie To You,

he's a broadcasting
miracle, it's Eamonn Holmes.

He raxs satirical, it's Hugh Dennis.

And their team captain, Lee Mack.

And facing them tonight,

I can't say his name,
it's Peter Serafinowicz.

Peep Show fame, it's Olivia Colman.

And their team captain, David Mitchell.

But first, eminently
damage your allowances

in appreciation of your
host, Angus Deayton.

Good evening and welcome
to Would I Lie to You,

the show that conceals more harsh
truths than Anne Robinson's surgeon.

Lie detector tests are the best known
way of telling if someone is lying.

They measure blood pressure,
perspiration and GMTV ratings.

And the most common lies told
to cover up a mistake at work

include "I never got the email."

"It wasn't my responsibility."

and "Well, he looked like a t*rror1st."

So to round one, Home Truths,

where our panelists
take it in turns to read

out the statement from
a card in front of them.

To make it extra difficult, they
haven't seen the cards yet,

so don't know if it contains a truth or

a hideous lie that we've
just made up for them.

All will become clear in due course.


Eamonn gets the short
straw and is therefore first.

So Eamonn, fire away.

I have an identical twin called Jimmy.

Jimmy Lives in Canada.

- Jimmy Holmes? - Jimmy Holmes.

- James, actually. - Right.

What does he do there?

- He sells insurance. He does. - He sells...

I'll tell you where he sells, he sells
in that CN Tower in Montreal.

- Right, wow. - Yeah.

Who was born first?

- Jimmy was like two seconds or
so before me. - Two seconds?!

Wow.

So what are the differences between you?

You look absolutely identical or?

He's very handsome as well, yeah.

- Is he married? - Yes.

- What's his wife... - Eleanor.

Do they have children?

- Yes. - What are they called?

I don't know, they live in Canada.

But do you sort of have that twin thing of...

You know, if Lee's would
have punched you in the face,

would he wake up in Canada,

worrying about making
his insurance target,

but in fact, it's because Lee hit you.

You must be in constant pain,
being separated from your twin,

by thousands of miles, and
huge amount of relative celebrity,

'cause he's very well-known
for his insurance work, I believe?

Apparently, he sits next to a
woman in his insurance office

that he really doesn't like called
Andrea Turner, is that true?

Half true.

What'll be great is if we all say lie,

and then you said, "Ladies and
gentlemen, Jimmy Holmes."

But when you look around,
Eamonn wasn't there,

he just slipped round the back.

So, David and Co.

- I think lie. - Definitely it's a lie.

- We think it's a lie. - They're saying it's a lie.

Eamonn, reveal the truth.

Thank God, it's a lie.

Yes, it is a lie.

Eamonn does not have an
identical twin called Jimmy,

who lives in Canada.

Canada is, of course,

the home of Celine Dion, Brian
Adams and Shania Twain.

And to think, we've wasted
our time bombing Iraq.

Peter, your home truth.

OK.

In an advert starring Pelé,

my voice was passed off as his voice.

What was the advert about?

It was...a...

Yes?

Was it about football?

You know...

It was about a medical...uh...thing.

It wasn't this advert that Pelé
did for impotence, was it?

Yes, it was.

Because it's famous he did that
advert for impotence, didn't he, Pelé?

What? For wanting to be impotent?

- How does that work? - "Tired
of being a sl*ve to your c*ck?"

"Cut it off and eat it!"

"Like Pelé."

Why have I never seen this advert?
Where did you see this advert?

Well, Pelé did an advert for
impotence about 5 or 6 years ago.

That bit is true.

- That bit is absolutely true. - I'm bot really in
the target market, you know what I mean?

OK, I got to be fair. I wasn't sitting
at home, after Coronation Street,

Did you do, like, a slogan at the end
or...The whole voice was you?

- It was mostly me, yeah. - Why wasn't it Pelé?

Because he's got a really,
quite a thick Bristol accent.

What did you have to say?

It was something like,
"After a football game,"

"The players like to talk to each
other about a lot of things."

"But one thing they don't like to talk about,"

"is their erection problems."

So, Lee, and team.

Well, I think he does lots of
voice work, doesn't he?

That's an absolute lie, Hugh.

I think he did it. Pelé's English is not good.

I think he's telling the truth.

OK, well then, I will go with
my team and say that

- OK, they're saying it's true. Right.
- Peter is in fact the voice of impotence.

Peter, tell us all.

And you're the voice of impudence.

It's true.

Yes, it is true.

Peter was the voice of Pelé in
his advert for male impotence.

Companies think carefully about
who should endorse their products.

If it's men's cosmetics,
they get David Beckham,

if it's women's fragrance,
they get Scarlett Johansson.

And if it's frozen sheep's offal
in batter, they get Kerry Katona.

So, Hugh, your fascinating factoid.

Kellogg's offered me a job in
their development department

after I sent them a list of new cereal ideas.

Okay.

Right.

Give us a rundown of some
of the cereal ideas you sent.

I sent them various ideas.

For Sugar Puffs...The
problems with Sugar Puffs

is that they float.

You can't fill a bowl with Sugar Puffs.

- It was a... - Yeah.

So you basically have a
bowl of milk, don't you?

And the Sugar Puffs all rise to the top,

Are you saying if you fill
a bowl with Sugar Puffs,

and then pour the milk on, the
buoyancy of the underlying Sugar Puffs

forces the ones on the top out of the bowl?

No, it doesn't force them out of the bowl.

- but it float? - But...you can't get much milk in.

You can't get as much milk as you want in.

Or if you pour too much milk in, they do go...

So one of the things was a
new, heavier Sugar Puff?

- Yeah. And it was a Sugar Puff...
- How are you supposed to do that?

- Yeah. - You put a raisin in them.

How would you get a raisin inside...

'Cause a raisin is, like, the
same size as a Sugar Puff.

How would you get that inside?

All Sugar Puffs are...They're
puffed away, aren't they?

So you get a kernel of wheat, and you
would essentially blow air into it.

So it goes, "Pff".

That's all it is.

If at the point that you go
"Pff", you fire a raisin into it.

It sounds ridiculous, isn't it?

And they offered you a job?

They offered me a job

developing solutions to
problems with cereal.

What are the problems?

The problems are, cornflakes
go soggy too quickly.

What was your solution? Lamination.

So it is essentially finding a way of
making them a bit more like a frosty,

but without covering them in sugar,
because there's a health aspect

to a cornflake that there isn't to a...

- I always thought about frost Coco Pops when
they first made Coco Pops. - ...to a frosty.

They put milk on them, and they
go "Oh no, the color's running."

And they sort of went, "No, we can
turn this to our advantage."

I...You know, I'm believing this.

- Yeah, me too. - You seem to know
quite a lot about your cereal.

I...Yeah, I think we think it's true.

OK, they're saying it's true.

Hugh, truth or tribe?

It's a lie.

It's a lie.

Kellogg's did not offer Hugh a job
in their development department.

The elusive goal of modern
breakfast cereal manufacturing

is to try and raise the
sugar content above its

current level of 150%.

Our next round is called Ring of Truths,

in which I'll read out some celebrity facts,

our team decide if they're true or not,

and our audience sit there
waiting for it all to end.

David's team is the first.

Is that true?

Wayne Rooney is a man whose skills

are vastly overvalued by our society.

I can't even count up to the
amount of money he's got.

And he's gonna do a lot of crazy things.

They went out for Chinese, apparently,

and then they decided against that
and they pulled into a service station.

So got engaged in the forecourt,

and then they went back to Colleen's
parents' to have corned beef and beans.

The whole meal plan of
the evening seems very vague,

so they were...On their way to Chinese,
the sight of some service station

distracted them, but then actually,
the whole glamour of petrol

held them up on the forecourt.

So then the proposing happened.

So then they said, "Actually, let's
not go and queue up with trays."

"Let's go and impose ourselves

on a very strictly catered
corned beef and beans evening."

Maybe 'cause no one has quite
enough corned beef and beans.

It's typical of the thoughtless youth of today.

Neither of them that bright, aren't they.
She's launched a perfume, hasn't she?

- Oh yes. - Called Colleen and
then with a little cross after which.

Maybe a kiss, or maybe because
she can't spell her own surname.

- I'm not sure which. - Yeah.

ColleenX.

Right, if I could interest you
in an answer of some sort?

You can't really interest me in
these people, unfortunately.

They will do crazier and more miserable
things in their lives than this.

So I'm willing to believe it.

It definitely has a ring of truth about it.

I think it's possible.

So I think, should we say true then?

- Yeah, let's say true. - They're saying it's true.

And I can tell you it is, absolutely true.

Yes, Wayne Rooney and Colleen McLaughlin

did get engaged in a petrol station.

Wayne was the perfect gentleman.
He got down on one knuckle

and made the sign for ring.

It was all very romantic.

Wayne then hid the ring inside
a re-heated chicken pastilla.

When Colleen threw
up, there is was in her lap.

So to Lee's team, who have this to endure.

That was a song called 'Pony'.

Not many people can carry that song off,
and you can now add Rolf Harris to that list.

So here is your related fact.

They look very similar, those two, don't they?

I'd say they look quite different, those two.

If I'm honest, my honest
reaction to that photograph is,

"Those two organisms look different."

They look like they're about to have
a double's game at table tennis.

Again, my reaction would be, they don't.

This just looks like a picture of a
man and a dog. The man is famous.

The dog is an un-entity.

This happened in Desperate Housewives.

- They froze someone? Of course they did,
yeah. - An old lady froze her husband.

And then there was a power cut.

- Yeah. - Terrible as many.

I saw a film called
Desperate Housewives and

none of this happened in the film I saw.

The thing is that...The
cryogenic frozen, the idea is that

You can warm them up again.

- But what to do with just the head?
- Yeah, but this is what I don't understand,

because when you defrost yourself.

you're back to the original
state when you're at it, which is dead.

Walt Disney did that, hence
phrased "Disney On Ice".

- And Paris Hilton. Paris Hilton has also...
- Has she had it done already?

She's paid $150,000 already

to the Alcor Life Extension Foundation.

So, Lee, any truth in this at all?

- Hugh? - I actually think it probably is true.

- I'm not sure, but I think maybe no. - Hung jury.

I would say that...

I think it's a lie.

That's what I think.

And I can tell you it is..

A lie.

It is completely untrue.

Rolf Harris did not chosen to be
cryogenically frozen when he dies.

As befits the star of Animal Hospital,

he's going to tearfully put
down an buried in a shoe-box.

So at the end of that round,

it's Lee's team who are
oozing with confidence,

leading as they are 4-2.

Onward into round 3 then,

the confusingly titled This Is My.

Each of Lee's team will claim to have a
connection with tonight's mystery guest,

but only one is telling the truth.

The good news for David's team is they

therefore have a 33% chance of success.

The bad news is that means
failure is the more likely outcome.

So please welcome tonight's
guest person, Amanda.

So, Lee, what is Amanda to you?

This is Amanda.

And she is a woman who gave my
dog mouth-to-mouth resuscitation

after it was run over by a car.

Eamonn, perhaps you'd like to explain
your relationship with Amanda?

This is the lovely Amanda.

Who I know because she was Angelina
Jolie's double in Tomb Raider.

And finally, Hugh, what's Amanda to you?

This is Amanda.

We came third in last year's
Goodwood pantomime horse dash.

So that's the choice.

A canine rescuer according to Lee,

a Hollywood stuntwoman
if we believe Eamonn,

or half a pantomime horse
of which Hugh was the other half.

So, David's team,

- your witness? - Lee, where
did you dog get into difficulties?

You say 'difficulties', it was hit by a car.

We were on a, like a common near my house.

And I let the dog go in the common.
It ran out into the road.

I went out to chase after it,
obviously. And it ran into the road.

- Hit by car and... - But the car punched him.

No, it was hit. And he was out,
and luckily. Amanda came along.

- And said...Said...Hang on, wait
a minute. - Said what?

He was lying and he was motionless.
And then Amanda came over

and said, you know, "Can I help you?"

And I said, "Well, you could've
help by not driving so fast."

And then we go over that
bit. She said she felt guilty.

You know what it's like. You've k*lled
a dog, the least you can do is

stick your lips over his
nose and mouth and blow.

Amanda was driving the car?

She drove the car that hit him, yeah.

- And she got out of the car
to help. - Then come out...

And you've kept in touch with
the lady who k*lled your dog?

She didn't k*ll it.

- Wait for the end of the story,
there's a happy ending. - Oh good.

That little dog looked at me
after a few minutes of blowing.

She was like that. She was using the
nostrils, playing it like a [something].

Alright, that bit's not true.

Right. Like that. And at first snuffed in, just
the cheeks were [something] like that.

I said, "Harder, Amanda, harder."
And then one big almighty...

And I saw his little ribs...
'Cause he was a greyhound,

so you can spot every bit of windy movement.

Just rise gently. And then there was a cough
and and a splutter, that was mainly her.

Disgusted by...

And the dog just looked up
at me and said...you know.

Said, "Hello, now I can speak!"

- No he said... - "This lady has
blown her soul into me!"

"I'm wise now."

And then the dog got in the car and drove off.

What was the make of car?

It was Dalmatian, oh car.

It was a gray car, I remember that.

'Cause I remember thinking "That's how
I run it. My dog is black and white."

- Combine that, and you got a gray
car. - I thought it was a greyhound.

- You said greyhound. - He was.
Half greyhound, half Dalmatian.

Could you try cross examining the others?

Sorry, Goodwood Pantomime Horse Dash.

I haven't heard those
words together before.

Well, essentially, it is
pantomime horse race.

- And it's at an annual event? - Yeah.

And it's at Goodwood.

How did you and Amanda
end up in the same horse?

Because Amanda is a friend of my wife.

And it was therefore safe for
me to be with Amanda.

Who was front, who was back?

I was back.

Were your bookie's favorite to win?

- I'm not sure there was much betting
on it, to be honest. - Who did win?

Damon Hill.

He was in a car though.

Eamonn, how do you know Amanda if
she's Angelina Jolie's body double?

Because I have this
thing for Angelina Jolie,

not being able to get close to Angelina,

didn't return my calls, my letters, anything,

I read about Amanda being
Angelina's stunt double...

Where did you read about this?

- Oh, everywhere. I mean, it was
well-published. - I remember, I remember.

It made five minutes on my Saturday
morning 5 live radio programs.

Very good interview to talk and meet up

with the woman that would be the
nearest I would get to Angelina Jolie.

So what kind of stunt did she do?

Well, she jumps a lot, she...

As a matter fact, if you watch closely,

in Tomb Raider 2, Amanda jumps from
an airplane and lands in a jeep

...as Angelina Jolie. So, yes,
that's what she does.

What's her surname?

- Kemp. - Hugh, what's her surname?

- Robinson. - Robinson?

Lee, don't bother.

Where does Amanda live?

Amanda lives in Oxford.

What's funny about that, I'm sorry?

Well, no, actually I grew
up in Oxford, so it does exist.

So David's team, is this
woman Lee's dog's live saver,

Eamonn's movie star stunt double,

or Hugh's other half in the pantomime horse?

I have to say, at the moment...What
are you thinking at the moment?

I would say, having studied Hugh's
techniques over the evening,

that I think he's telling the truth.

And he was trying sextuple bluff.

What number of bluff is the truth?

Infinity bluff.

Yeah, well, it's either Hugh or Eamonn.

- What, you're dissing Lee
altogether? - Well, yes.

If it turns out that's true, then it's
an odder world than I thought.

I'm thinking Eamonn.

- Right, well I'm gonna go... - He's always right.

I'm gonna go with Peter
and I also think it's Hugh.

I think it's Hugh's pantomime horse

- partner. - OK, perhaps Amanda would
like to reveal her true identity?

I was Angelina Jolie's stunt
double in Tomb Raider 2.

Thank you very much for joining.

Good work, team.

Angelina, of course, recently
got an Oscar from Cambodia,

along with a Darren, two
Michaels and a David.

All of which means, at the end of that round,

it's David's team who
are praying for a miracle,

behind as they are, 5-2.

Our final round is Quickfire Lies,

in which all sense of calm is abandoned,

in favor of some rapid-fired
lying against the clock.

As always, our panelists don't
know what's written on the cards,

and David's team are seriously faltering,

so now would be the perfect
time to reverse that trend,

starting with...David.

I used to be a tour guide for a hat museum.

Where?

- Where? - Abingdon.

Where did they need a tour
guide in a hat museum?

It was sort of the tour guide/person there.

How long was the tour?

You could probably get a good
sense of the place in about...

I mean, a VERY good sense of
the place, in about half an hour.

Can you remember anything
at all that you used to

say about about any of the hats?

- NO. - Or a type of hat?

- No. - You can't remember
the name of one hat?

And you were the tour guide in a hat museum?

They had a sort of bowler hat, top hat,
and they they had a huge feathery hat.

Just by bizarre coincidence, someone
in the front with a sort of bowler hat!

Could you just past the hat to David,

so he could give us a rough description
in history of the bowler hat?

Thank you very much.

Could you give us a rough idea of how
you used to do this tour with that hat?

What I would do is, I
would hold this hat up and

then sort of twirl it, like that.

What kind of people went to the hat museum?

Oh, losers.

I don't think there's an ounce
of truth about his story.

- No, I don't. - He did it.

- You don't believe him, do you? - I do.

- So, Lee? - Eamonn thinks it's true.

- but this time I'm gonna go with
Hugh. - You're saying it's untrue.

- Definitely true. - David, tell us the truth.

It is in fact a lie.

Yes, it's a lie.

David has never been a tour
guide for a hat museum.

If you can't imagine what
a hat museum is like,

then think of a glove museum
with half as many exhibits.

Next, Olivia.

I once pulled a boy by
pretending to be French.

When you say 'pretending to be French',

do you mean with the look,
the accent or the language,

or all three?

- It was dark. - Right.

- And... - I like the way you
changed the question to...

'How light was it in the room?'

I'll make my own questions up.

Strawberry, that's my favorite jelly.

Do you speak French?

Oui.

And what was his name?

- What was he called? - Johnny.

What was Johnny's surname?

- Garlic. - Johnny Garlic?

What a bizarre coincidence
with the French that was!

Over there...

You didn't think to say, "Hello,
I'm French, what is your name?"

"Johnny Garlic? I can't think
of any thing to say now."

"Because here's no connection."

What point did he work out
that you weren't French?

The next day, when I told him I wasn't French.

Oh, you...The next morning, you mean?

No, no, no, it wasn't like that, I mean he
was at the same beach the next day.

Where was this?

In...By the sea.

You missed out the middle
word, in what by the sea?

In Cornwall by the sea.

- Were you... - That's the place called
Cornwall... - Cornwall on sea.

Where in Cornwall?

- Where in Cornwall? - Yes. Where in Cornwall?

Right by the sea.

What was your opening line?
What was your chat-up line?

"[H]ello!"

What was the second one? "Hello again?"

"Do you wanna see the McDonald
with the big boobies?"

- So you think... - I tend to believe it's not.

You don't think it's true.
What do you think, Eamonn?

I think she looks French.

And therefore I think she's
double-bluffing, I think it's true.

You think it's true, you think it's a lie.

- OK, we'll say it's true, shall we? - Okay, Olivia.

Are you lying through your teeth?

It's a truth.

Yes. It is true.

Olivia did once pull a boy by
pretending to be French.

Pretending to be French seemed to
be working, until she blew her cover

when she went to the toilet
and then washed her hands.

Next, Hugh.

At school, I had a fight with
Laurence Llewelyn-Bowen.

Who won?

Who do you think won?

Laurence Llewelyn-Bowen.

I won.

What school was this?

This was at school in London.

You don't wanna say what school?

Well, it was at my school.

Actually it was in a rugby match.

Did he play rugby?

- He did play rugby. - Crikey.

He played for another school.

And we had a fight, when I was playing on one
team and he was playing on another team.

The thing is, I didn't know he
was Laurence Llewelyn-Bowen.

'Cause he...Well I knew he was called
Laurence Llewelyn-Bowen,

but he only later became
Laurence Llewelyn-Bowen.

- OK. - So David, you're gonna
come to a decision as to whether

Hugh is telling the truth or not.

I think it sounds plausible.

- But I think it sounds too plausible. - Oh.

So I think he's lying.

- So plausible it's untrue. - Yeah.

The only thing is Laurence
Llewelyn-Bowen, I've never met him,

but is he not quite slight?

- Very tall, he's a very big
thing. - Is he very tall?

But you're on the other team.

You could say anyone,
Ronnie Corbett, huge man.

Ronnie Corbett is a huge man.

He's about 6'4, 6'5.

It's only because Ronnie Barker was
the largest man who ever lived.

- We think it's true. - They're saying it's true.

OK, Hugh, true or lie?

Lie.

Yes, it is a lie.

Hugh did not have a fight with
Laurence Llewelyn-Bowen at school.

Hugh wasn't at school in
early Renaissance Britain

when Laurence grew up.

But Laurence is, however,
an expert in self-defense,

he finds it handy when people see
what he's done to their houses.

Which impolite interruption means
that at the end of our final round,

it's Lee's team who are
tonight's happy bunnies,

having run away with it 8-6.

We leave you with the news that people
are more likely to lie to you in emails,

than when talking to you face to face.

Which rather suggests that the Nigerian
brigadier Matubi En Kamawi,

who is due to be transferring 84 millions
dollars into my bank account any day now,

may not be a man of his word.

Good night.