02x03 - David Baddiel, Maureen Lipman, Jimmy Carr, Richard Wilson

[bunniefuu]

Tonight on Would I Lie to You.

He's got an ology, it's David Baddiel.

That deserves an apology,
it's Maureen Lipman.

And their team captain, David Mitchell.

And facing them tonight, I
don't believe it, it's Jimmy Carr.

Now that's out of the way,
here's Richard Wilson.

And their team captain, Lee Mack.

But first imitate a gas leak
and bring the house down

for your host, Angus Deayton!

Good evening and welcome
to Would I Lie to You,

the show with more fibs than pinocchio
updating Jonathan Akin's Wikipedia page.

Of course the most common
place to lie is on a CV,

and I should know, speaking as

NBC's leading weatherman
for the past12 years.

And people have a tendency to
try and appear more intelligent by

claiming to have read
books they haven't read.

Or in the case of Jordan, to have
written books they haven't read.

So after much thought, consideration
and a power-planning meeting,

we've decided we should start
with round one, Home Truths.

Our panelists take it in turns to
read the card in front of them.

This may contain a true
fact or a load of nonsense

that we've just made up on their behalf.

The other side then sieves through
the evidence, deduce the real truth

and generally try to look like
they know what they're doing.

Maureen is first to stick her head
above the parapet, so Maureen.

If you would.

- OK. - Surprise us all.

Yes. I once worked as part
of a circus double act

which was called Franko and Tootie.

- Professionally? - Yeah.

- You've been paid for it? - I did.

So what was the double act called again?

- Franko and Tootie. Franko. - And you were?

Can you describe the act?

Yeah, I was the ringmaster and she
pretended to be all numbers of animals.

All numbers of animals? Like what?

She pretended to be an elephant.
She pretended to be a prancing horse.

- Right. - Lee, we're not trying to
book the act, we're just trying to...

How old were you?

I was 14, she was 12.

- It was child labor. - It was...

When I said professional, we did it on stage.

- Somewhere up north, in a
pantomime. - Whereabouts up north?

- In Hull. - You so said that
as "I'm the expert on the north".

There is a place called Hull.

- It sounds like it might be true. - Yeah.

We've won this thing to go on the panto.

You won a competition to go to Hull?

What was the second prize, death?

- So you weren't paid for it? - Yes, we were.

- You were paid for it? - Well, we were given food.

Were you given, like, buns
when you were an elephant?

What was the name of the panto?

The panto was just the
traditional Cinderella pantomime.

- And how many shows... - Not that traditional,

'cause in the middle of it, a ringmaster came on,

and occurred dressed as an elephant,

and then a donkey. The old
“traditional” pantomime of Cinderella.

In pantomime, Lee, they do mess around
with the story a bit. They don't just...

- Not...Yeah, they do, but not in the
traditional pantomime, no. - Yes, they...

- In the story of Cinderella, there's no bloke
dressed as a woman, - Well, I used to...

you know, in the fairytale.
Pantomime is already

screwing around with the story,

- Are you telling... - so having a little
bit of a circus bit is just a bit of fun.

I saw a panto, they had a laser light show.

- What do you think, Richard?
- I think she's changed her story.

She said she was being paid for it,
and then she went "It's professional"...

- But it was a professional show.
- Well she might be telling the truth

- but getting a bit confused. - Yeah.

It's true, it's Maureen Lipman!

So what do you think, team captain?

I'm saying it is a lie.

Maureen, gospel or garbage?

- It is in fact a lie. - It is a lie.

Yep, it's a lie, Maureen was not part of

a circus double act
called Franko and Tootie.

A recent report cleared xx [应该是某个
演艺组织] of being cruel to animals,

but found them guilty of
cruelty to audiences.

Many feel that there's no need to pay
￡20 to see people falling over each other,

throwing knives and wearing
ridiculous amounts of make-up

when you can just visit
Basildon on a Friday night.

- So, Jimmy, your turn to shock
us all. - Oh, right, OK.

I had an interview at MI5 to be a spy.

- Where's MI5, Jimmy? Yeah. - Where's MI5?

It's on the South Bank now,

but that building was
unfinished at the time,

so it was at a meeting in Millbank.

What was it? Like a planning
meeting that you and MI5...

- Planning? No, I wasn't gonna
be...I wasn't gonna build

the new headquarters. - In
fact, the building wasn't finished.

They are thinking of setting
up a big organization of spies.

- Well, you know... - Lots of g*ns and handcuffs,

and itching powders, we don't know how
we're gonna use that, but it's all fun.

And we are building a huge
crazy building on the South Bank,

which is actually MI6, but never mind.

Can I say I'm worried now that
you know a bit much about it?

And you really do seem like a spy, I think.

'Cause you're posh and a tiny bit
g*y, even though you're not.

Hang on, David, I'll stop you
there. Posh and a little bit g*y?

- Posh? - What are you talking about, man?

This is like Spartacus, “No,
I'm posh and a little bit g*y.”

You're the least "posh and a little bit g*y"
of anyone in the world ever, Lee.

f*ck off, you puff.

Oh, I see, like that. Yes, right.

Jimmy, how did you get
approached for this interview?

I got approached by an
English tutor at Cambridge,

and this guy McKendrick approached
me and said “Would you be interested?”

- Kendrick? McKendrick? - McKendrick.

Or M for short.

I thought you meant it was John
McCririck approached you.

He'd be a really bad spy.

"I'd say, 'k*ll him when you get the chance.'"

Thing is Jimmy, if I'm right about you,

you were a virgin until you were
about 27, as far as I remember.

- 26. - 26. And that was
the last series of the show.

Shall we not bring it up again?

Here's the thing, this was
your opportunity to pull.

Jimmy, how much were
you gonna be paid for it?

- I don't think... - He would get
paid in sticky buns, Maureen.

- Sticky bun for every k*ll. - Yeah.

Will you be sent abroad?

Don't you start, I'm having
enough trouble with them.

- You're not even in this, what are
uou talking about?! - That's the show.

Jimmy, your attitude under
interrogation is just a bit churlish.

Which, as a spy, you really
shouldn't be, you know?

Somebody interrogates and starts
asking questions, and you go,

"Are you in this? Are you..."

Is this during the Cold w*r?

Yeah, I'm 50.

You might be, your hair's dyed.

Fashion tips from the tr*mp.

Now, now girls. Was there a
practical side to the interview?

Yes, I had to f*ck a girl in the speedboat.

David Mitchell, what are
you thinking as team captain?

- I think it's not true. - Not true.

OK, I'm torn, but both of my
teammates think it's not true.

- You're tempting towards...?
- We'll go with that that's a lie.

OK, they're saying it's lie.
Jimmy, is that the truth?

It's a lie.

Can I just say, you made
that really hard for yourself.

It says "I once had an interview at MFI."

Yes, well deduced. It is a complete lie.

Jimmy did not have an
interview at MI5 to be a spy.

But these days, to be a successful
spy, you need dedication,

nerves of steel and the ability to spot a
radioactive teapot in a sushi restaurant.

And lastly, David Baddiel,
your intriguing information.

I have snogged two of the Spice Girls.

I don't think you've snogged two girls.

Which two, David?

Scary Spice and Sporty Spice,

- Mel C and Mel B. - That's a very...
I've put the Spice Girls in order,

and no one starts with those two.

- Was it together at the same
time, or was it... - Yes, it was.

- You've snogged them both at the same
time? - It was at the same time.

- Whereabouts? - I'd say, I don't like
the word "snog", what I'd say is

I went to bed with two of the Spice Girls.

I think "What was up" so I just snogged them,

- but I want to leave that over...
- Did little David let you down?

I think it's definitely true,
no further questions.

Well, it was a bit strange,
actually. 'Cause to be honest,

I was only really interested in Melanie B.

Who I've been having...It was at the
Four Seasons Hotel in Los Angeles.

And I've been having a
bit of a flirtation with her.

Basically, I did end up with
Melanie B in my room.

And then, Melanie C just kind of turned up.

I don't know why, at all.

I presume, if you wanna be my lover,
you gotta get with my friend, I don't know.

But she did just turn up,

and then I was sort of snogging
them, then the phone rang.

And it was security.

And the security said, "We've had a lot
of complaints about noise in your room.

We're sending someone up to chuck you out.

So I chucked them out of my room,

- What year was this? - 1996.

- And what were you doing in LA?
- Hang on, '96, were they not big in '96?

No, it was early in 1996.

So what are you thinking
about this one, team?

I think it sounds perfectly plausible.

I think Dave Baddiel may well
have got off with the Spice Girl.

- Richard? - I think there's a lot of details there,

and I tend to say, I believe that.

As opposed to "I don't believe it", lovely.

Oh, who wasn't thinking it?

- Team captain. - I've got to go
with lie. I think you're both wrong.

David is a famous person. If he
has snogged both Mel B and Mel c,

it's not the first time he's talked about it.

I would have read that somewhere.

I'm gonna say that he's
lying and overrule you.

Get Richard to say it.

- Get him to say "I don't believe it", go on.
- Come one. Say it, Richard.

Go on, ask him.

Go on*4 It'd be my best thing ever. Please*4

- Please say it*3 - Angus, I would like to

give my decision by handling it over
to Richard Wilson. What would you...?

Say it.

Well, I've got a catchphrase as well, which is

- "I think you're a lying scruffy b*stard." - OK.

David, tell us all.

It's true.

You have snogged two of the Spice Girls?

It is true, yes.

In case you didn't catch it, David
has snogged two of the Spice Girls.

Just three more to go,
and he gets to keep the set.

This, of course, gives David a
girl group hit rate of 40%.

Impressive, but still slightly behind
Lembit Öpik, who's currently on 50.

Our next round is Ring of Truth,

which has been described
as both simple and subtle,

the people describing it
as simple being correct.

I dish out celebrity facts.
Lee's team guess if it's true.

Nothing could be more entertaining.

After this frighteningly
genuine travel guide from NBC.

Scotland is the place where the
pipes grow, the men wear kilts

and everybody drinks Scotch
Whiskey and talks with a funny accent.

One of their traditions is fighting.

Normally friendly, they can, when riled,

fight and k*ll with anything
from swords to sidearms.

And the only thing certain is,
they'll never bite you to death.

Scots eat almost all the time,
and they prefer something sweet.

Ice-cream or candy or pastries.
Anything with a high sugar content.

They munch constantly.

The national characteristic
of Scotland is a moving jaw.

Can I just say, I take that as an insult

on behalf of the Scottish
nation. It's balderdash.

And I want that man's name.

- I think that's disgusting. - Why don't you,
this is your chance. Why don't you say...

- Nice one. - Here's your chance, say it now.

No.

Is there a question to go with
that, or are we just agreeing?

- 'Cause I agree with everything
that was said. - Yes.

No, there is a question, so...

That was the NBC show Weekend from 1974.

Shortly after recording that film,
the narrator actually met a Scotsman,

and now he has no teeth.

OK, so here is the related fact for Lee's team.

Is that true, Lee's team?

Firstly, I don't think Paris Hilton's got a PA,

'cause she seems quite down-to-earth to me.

- She probably just organized some stuff
herself, doesn't she? - Does she all herself, yeah.

Yeah, this is something she said
after visiting Edinburgh last year.

It's a beautiful accent, isn't it?
It's an amazing kind of pronunciation.

But...So she might have kind of...

- but she's a f*cking idiot, why
would she? - Yeah, why would she?

Also, I'm guessing that
the purpose of it is to

because she probably thinks
"Well, I've been from Scotland.

It sounds very cultural and interesting.
I want my PA to speak that."

but that's only fine if you're not.

I mean, the kind the job she's got her PA going,

"Right, you've just had playhouse
that's gonna...Can I get you a suite?"
[这里真的听不懂orz]

- Is that a good accent?
Was it? - No, it's terrible.

So, Lee, what are you thinking on this one?

- Jimmy? - I think an accent is a
really sexy and important thing.

I think accents are lovely, and
that's sort of what draws you.

I think that might be true.

It's just so unlikely it might be true.

You think it's true?

Once again, I would like to
overrule you...No, I wouldn't.

I'm gonna go with the majority
this time. We'll say it's true.

Should have overruled, it's a lie.

Yeah, it's completely untrue.

Paris Hilton's PA did not resign after being

ordered to speak with a Scottish accent.

Being Paris Hilton's PA would
certainly be a demanding job.

What with all the organizing and
holding the camcorder steady.

Which means, at the end of that round,

it's David's team who are
c*ck-a-hoop, charging ahead 3-1.

Our next round goes by the
bleakly curtailed title of This Is My.

Lee's team will each claim to have a
connection with tonight's mystery guest.

David's team then analyze the three claims

and sort the genuine wheat
from the fraudulent chaff.

So let's meet this week's
special guest person, Della.

So, Richard, what is Della to you?

This is Della, and Della and I danced

on my dancersize fitness video.

OK, Lee, perhaps you'd like to
explain how you know Della.

This is Della, the estate agent

who accidentally locked me
in a house after a viewing.

- Right, and finally Jimmy, your
relationship with... - This is Della.

And she's my chiropodist.

Right, so there you have it.

A dancersize partner to Richard,

a forgetful estate agent if we believe Lee,

or a chiropodist to the
stars, or at least Jimmy,

David's team.

Can I ask Richard something?

Richard, the exercise video
that you made, did it sell well?

No.

It's obviously a lie,
'cause you've never made it.

An exercise video, I mean, what
was it called, this exercise video?

"I don't believe it".

- Richard Wilson's Learn Dancing Video.
- I don't believe you've made one.

That's not...That's really not a...

You know what though,
if that had been made,

I would be the first one to click and buy that.

- So catchy. - And also,
I thought it was a dancersize video.

So it's actually using dance to get fit,

- not learning the foxtrot.
- No, I didn't do foxtrot.

We did drive, we did Boogie-woogie.

Say that last one again.

Boogie-woogie.

And we did a whole range of dances.

And the idea was to get young
people interested in dance.

- And get them exercises.
- Well, you're the perfect man

to get young people interested in dance.

It was some time ago.

Were you in the video with Della, or
was it just you, Della was your teacher?

No, Della was one of the dancers.

And you said it was some time ago

that you did this video?

- 57 years ago. - I don't know why we argue at this.

It was called the Richard
Wilson Dance Yourself...

- Obviously it's a lie. - No.

This wasn't called Dance Yourself anything.

It was called the Richard
Wilson Learn Dancing Video.

I'm not quite sure of the title, to be honest.

So what's wrong woth your feet, Jimmy?

- I pronate. - I beg your pardon?

I pronat...I've got extraordinarily flat feet.

- So I have to wear orthotics and I got kind
of weird bunions. - What? Speak properly.

- Orthotics? - Ortho...I've got
these little builds in my shoes.

So I've got these little things
that I have to wear in my shoes.

Otherwise, my Achilles
tendons kind of give out.

It's a weird kind of...I've got weird bunions.

Woah, you know all the
chat-up lines, don't ya?

I've got some weird bunions, baby.

What does she do for you?

She makes those little thing for my feet

and then she kind of...
I get very rough skin,

'cause I have to wear these things
and then she kind of deals with that.

I'm a bit confused by the fact
that Della here, not only

makes your orthotics, but
also rubs your rough bits...

as a chiropodist, so, which is she?

Well, she's both. She's got a chiropody,
I guess some sort of qualification,

There's something on the wall.
She was in the yellow pages,

I'm guessing she's qualified.

And is that how you came across
her? Through the yellow pages?

- Or did someone recommend her?
- I got recommendation.

- From? - I got recommendation
from Simon Cowell of the X Factor.

- So you got a recommendation
from Simon Cowell? - Yeah.

We were on...Simon and
I were on holiday together.

So you're on holiday with Si...

Not with him. We were in the same hotel.

- We went arm in arm. - Where?

Barbados, Sandy Lane.

How often do you
have this done with Della?

Maybe once a year.

Does it set you back a little bit?

No, it's not too bad. No,
I'm doing very well, thanks.

Oh, good.

Della, I have to say, is attractive.

And I hate to think of
her near Jimmy Carr's feet.

- The estate agent possibility. - Yes?

Take us through being locked in of the house.

I was shu...It was one of those open days

where you show lots of people
around at the same time.

Someone was showing
people around, and then he left,

as I went to the top floor.

Meanwhile, Della comes in, there's
lots of people been coming and going,

The last few go, I'm still up
there, looking out at the vista.

And she simply goes, leave with
me locked within set premises.

- Well, how did you get out? - Well,
I didn't have my mobile phone on me.

The phones in the house weren't working
because it had been empty for a while.

I ended up going out through
the window in the attic.

Opened it, went down onto a flat roof next door,

got down and Bob's your uncle.

What did you then do in
order to get in touch with...

- Did you...There you are, you're on the...
- I used a really bizarre technique.

I went 'round to estate agent and said
"What the f*ck are you doing locking me in?"

- So you did...You didn't buy it?
- I didn't end up getting the house.

Somebody bid higher than me.

So you can either go for
Richards' fellow dancersizer,

Lee's careless property agent,

or Jimmy's female foot specialist.

We're not going...I don't think we're
going for Richards' dancersize video.

It could be, I hop it's true.

Jimmy has definitely got
something dodgy in his shoe there,

you know, as well as his foot.

Lee's story...It's quite a full story,

- he's thought about it...
- It's getting far too much detailed...

So therefore I think it must be true.

I think it's Jimmy.

You're going with Lee,
you're going with Jimmy.

- You decide. - I'm going to...I think it's Jimmy.

OK, you're saying it's Jimmy, well.

Perhaps Della would like to
reveal her own identity.

I dance with Richard in his...

Yes.

Yes. Della is indeed Richards'
video dance partner.

And proof. If proof were needed.

When they've told me
"You can relieve stress, tension

keep fit and learn to dance."

I thought, "I don't believe it."

If you're at a party or at home,

put on some music and
dance away your stress.

So, let's dance.

Congratulations to Della, thank
you very much for joining us.

And so we come to our final
round, Quick Fire Lies.

More truths and lies, but this
time, against the clock.

Lee's team are currently behind,

so have one last chance redemption,
starting with...David...

Mitchell.

I used to buy my gran a chocolate
orange every Christmas

until I found seven of them
in a drawer at her house.

That sounds like a chilling moment.

What were you doing ravaging
through your nana's drawers?

What were you looking for?

There's no bras in here.

No bras in...Oranges?

I've painted a horrible picture
there. I can only apologize.

I was fetching a packet of
cigarettes for my grandfather.

Wait a minute.

Why does your granddad keep his
cigarettes in your grandmother's drawer?

- It...well...it was... - Um?

- Sorry, does it glitch at
the Matrix? - No, it's...

It was in their bedroom.

He used to keep his cigarettes in
an item of furniture called a "tall boy".

And I would go...It was sort
of when I was, 11 or 12.

I would go and fetch them for
him so he didn't have to go upstairs.

And I found at the back at the
drawer these seven chocolate oranges.

- What did you do after the
discovery? - Confront her?

Shot her.

No, I didn't do anything.

I didn't buy her any more chocolate oranges.

Did you not mention it to her?

- No. - Were you devastated?

I felt a bit bad.

- Is it sounding convincing?
- I don't think it's true at all,

because I don't think she keeps
them all lined up neatly in a drawer

like some weird, psycho horror film.

You've watched some very tame
horror movie, haven't you?

Oh, the Row of Confessionary.

Some of them are out of date!

- What do you think, Richard? - I say, a lie.

- Jimmy? - I think it's true.

Well, I'm going for...

age and experience,

and saying that I agree with
Richard and saying that that is a lie

- They're saying it's a lie. - It is, in fact...

A lie.

Nice work.

Next, Lee.

I have been attacked by
a snake charmer and his snake.

Definitely a lie.

'Cause a snake charmer doesn't
need to attack you as well as his snake.

If he is a snake charmer, he just goes...

and the snake attacks you. Why
would he bother to attack you as well?

Where did the encounter happen?

It happened in Morocco.

- In... - That was so sad..."First country
with snakes in it that comes to my head".

- Morocco. - It happened in
Morocco, in North Africa.

What kind of snake was this?

- Does it had a flat-headed cobra or a... - I...

I don't remember the name of the snake.

Not a name, I don't wanna know
if it's called "Betta" or something.

It's not that I don't remember
it, I can picture it clearly now.

- Describe the snake. - Right.

No legs.

It seems to be all tail.

Color, what color?

- You don't remember... - It was sort of a green-y color.

Green-y color.

A grass snake.

前面没听清....charm, the magnificent grass snake.

Over a foot in length.

No more fearsome reptile has ever been
seen on the dusty streets of Morocco.

Because when a man ran out to the snake,

starts hitting those
with the snake like that,

and we all turn to each other and
go "Oh, what kind of snake is that?"

When were you in Morocco, what's going on?

We went to Morocco, 1989.

Who's "we"?

- You and... - We? Us three.

No, it was me and three friends.

There's no point saying who,
you won't know who they are.

Why did the snake attack you?

Because we were taking photographs.

You know, at that time, what a photograph is...

Richard, we were taking a photograph.

He didn't like you taking a photograph?

No, he didn't like us taking the photograph.

He didn't like the fact that we hadn't
then volunteered some money for that.

And subsequently chased us.

Well, this is obviously not true.

- Why? - ‘Cause it's bollocks.

- I think it's true. - I do think it's not true.

- I don't think... - I think we're gonna go with lie.

Lee, tell us the truth.

It is in fact,

true.

Next, David Baddiel.

This just says possession on it.

This means that there's
something here which is mine.

Yes.

And this is it.

This is the neck brace I wore once

just to get an upgrade on a flight.

- Was there anything that mattered
with your neck at the time? - No.

And you just wore that to get...
Definitely true, I know you.

It's bound to be true.

I can speak for your character.

That sounds exactly like the kind of thing...

I'm amazed you weren't in a
wheelchair at the time, frankly.

- So you took it with you for that purpose? - Yes.

- Did it work? - Yes.

Where was your seat? Was
that in club or economy?

It was originally in club and
I got upgraded to first class.

Can you just slip it on?

- just so we can see... - Yeah, I can slip it on.

- Vulnerable-y look. - How does it look?

- Hang on, this is the face I do
as well. - You look like a vicar.

Did you keep it on for the entire flight?

Yeah, I did, I was too worried

that I didn't take it off.

What did you tell the
stewardess was wrong with you?

She didn't ask what was

- wrong with me. - What about the
person you were sitting next to?

Didn't they ask what you've done?

It was a while a go now, I mean.

The bloke with plastic legs.

There's nothing wrong with me, isn't it, mate?

The whole in first class went...

"Where's the toilet, mate?"

I think they did ask.

I think my story is that I've got very
bad whiplash in a car accident.

So, Lee, what are you thinking?

I don't know. I would have
thought this was a lie, but...

- What do you think, Richard? - I think it's a lie.

- You think it's a lie? - I think it's true.

- I think it sounds true to me.
- Do you really think it's the truth?

What do you think, Mr. Baddiel?

No one's actually tried that
tactic, haven't they?

David, if you were us, what would you say?

I would say it was a lie.

Does that help at all, Lee?

- Yeah. - Definitely true, he couldn't
have thought of a double bluff.

I think it's a lie.

It is a lie.

Which ill-mannered buzzing
means at the end of the show,

it's Lee's team who are
tonight's golden girls,

having outclassed David's team 6-5.

And we're leaving with you
that according to a search scientist,

if a person's eyes move to the left,
they are retrieving factual information.

If they move to the right, then they're lying.

If they move to the left, then the right,

then the left, then right, left,

the chances are, they're watching tennis.

Good night.