01x05 - Len Goodman, Russell Howard, Vic Reeves, Wendy Richard

[bunniefuu]

Tonight on Would I Lie to You.

National treasure Wendy Richard.

National disaster Russell Howard.

And their team captain, the
national trust, David Mitchell.

And facing them tonight,

the Strictly Come Dancing, Len Goodman.

The often-trying, Vic Reeves.

And their team captain, Lee Mack.

But first, become noticeably excited...

For your host, Angus Deayton.

Good evening and welcome
to Would I Lie to You.

Where, over the next half hour,
you'll hear some unbelievable truths.

And some downright lies.

"I'm delighted to be your host." would
be an obvious example of a downright lie.

Yes, it's all about the ability
to fool your fellow man.

Abraham Lincoln once said:
"You can fool some of the people all the time.

Or all the people some of the time.

But you can't fool all of
the people all of the time."

Remind you, he also said "I'm looking
forward to go to the theater tonight."

Word of advice: Liars will
often touch their noses...

whilst talking, something to watch out
for amongst our cast of A-list celebrities.

Which brings us anything but
neatly to round one: Home Truth.

in which our guests read out
statement about themselves.

Then the opposing team have
to guess if it's true or filthy fib.

Guess right, they get the point.

Guess wrong, the others get the point.

It's as simple as the
panelists themselves.

Lee's team have first crack.

If you'll pardon the expression, Len, it is,

who kicks off with his first home truth.

- Len. - I Immac my armpits.

OK, truth or garbage?

I was next to Len's dressing room.

There was a lot of
screeching coming.

How long does it take you to do?

It's a very very quick and
brief experience, really.

- You get the bottle. - Experience? Yep.

You place it in your hand.

You lift it up.

I can see what's happened there.

And then, you use the tool provided.

And peel it off.

I though according to the ads.

Immac was a cream, not a liquid.

Yeah, it's a cream.

- It's in a bottle. - No, it's in a tube.

Clever bloody women.

Did you do this for hygiene, or...?

It all started, actually, years ago,

When I danced a lot more.

And we used to rehearse
in vests, really.

And it's nothing worse,
ladies, to see an arm

full of hair and dewdrops.

With bits of incrustation
all floating around...

There's nothing worse,
especially if you're in the pub,

one of them comes in, they're staying

next to you at the bar, it's so
"aw" that I think it's absolutely vile.

What sort of pubs do you go to?

You put your deodorant on
immediately after you've...

As soon as I've done the process,

I shower, walk into the other bathroom,
where I keep my other accoutrements.

- The other bathroom? Where you have a
male servant pat you down. -Yes.

And then I have a jolly good squirt
of...I do squirt straight away.

Right. You cannot put deodorant on

immediately after you've
used one of those creams.

He'd be screaming his head off.

- Well deduced. - Well I think
that's a clincher, don't you?

- There we go. We reckon it's a lie.
- Therefore? They're saying it's a lie. Len?

Oblivious the pain, the truth.

Yes, it is true. Len does Immac his armpits.

And if you want to know where Len's armpit
hair ends up, just look at Bruce's head.

And when Len puts his arms in the air,

It's like Britney Spears and Lindsay
Lohan getting out of a car together.

Our next revelation comes from David.

I used to proofread
dictionaries for a living.

- Okay. - Which dictionaries?

They were English dictionaries.

But which one? The OED or the Websters?

There were dictionaries
for learners of English.

Was it a laugh a minute?

I have to say, what was
weird about it, is that

Because it was so boring. I became a
huge hypochondriac during the process.

It's so dull, what you're supposed
to be doing. You start thinking...

Oh, I think there's a bit in my
finger. I can feel my little finger.

Maybe there's something growing
in there that's gonna k*ll me.

Or I think "Is it my left eye?
I'm going blind in one eye."

Right.

Alright then, what's first word in the
dictionary and you can't have "aardvark".

Well, it's "a" or "ah".

You can't have two guesses.

I look at him, and he looks, to me...

Like a dictionary reader.

Thank you very...I
might just k*ll myself now.

I've got a feeling there's
a hint of truth in that.

Right, okay, and are you thinking...

Yes, he's telling the truth
or he's a filthy lying git?

- It's true. - Is it?

My team think it's true, so
I'm gonna go with true.

You're saying that I look like a man
who's gone to the depth of tedium

and not come back.

Well, that's 'cause I am.

Yes, it is true.

Yeah, David did proofread
dictionaries for a living.

Yes ladies, his middle name is danger.

He claimed it is one of the
happiest times of his life.

Or as he called it, the most felicitous
epoch of his existential being.

Proofreading is, of course,
vital to any piece of writing.

Even the scripts on this show

are subject to rigutus scrutena.
[正确拼写为rigorous scrutiny
这里是表示剧本没有proofreading]

Russell, surprise us all.

I was a contestant on Junior MasterChef.

Can you cook?

- Can I? - Can you?

What's the basic ingredients
for Hollandaise sauce？

For me,

I open with a bit of mustard and a bit of..

Just how I make it. I don't invite you around.

And a bit of cornflour and a bit of milk.

Mix it all in, and then what I'd
like to call "special ingredient"

like Mama's sauce from
Ragú, I'll never tell.

And put on some eggs. It's lovely.

Liar!

- That's what I do. - You missed out
vinegar, you missed out lemon.

I don't put lemon in it.

Everyone...A Hollandaise sauce is...

- Vinegar and lemon and egg?!
- Have you been on MasterChef?

So Russell what was your signature dish?

I did beef Wellington.

And I opened with soup.

I had apple crumble for pudding.

You opened with soup?

- Yes. - What sort of soup?

Tomato.

I take it you bother with the tomatoes.

How do you make your tomato soup?

We've got him here, Lee.

He’ll say “Open the tin”.

Just…I just put tomatoes in it.

How old were you?

- Eight. - Eight?

And you are making beef Wellington?

Russell, we’re not idiots.

You weren't making beef Wellington.
Junior MasterChef, you'd have been making...

I’ve seen Big Cook, Little Cook.

You were probably making
biscuits in the shape of the moon.

- Beef Wellington? - Here’s a clincher, Lee.

Watch this.

You put a bit of the beef in the oven.

How long do you cook it for?

Ages.

- He’s lying. - Yeah, you liar.

They’re saying you’re lying.

I’m lying.

He’s lying.

Junior MasterChef was the show that
challenged kids to make their favorite meal,

but was canceled after the third series,

after every kid made crisp
sandwiches with extra ketchup.

Lastly, Vic, fess up if you would.

I once fixed Dame Judi Dench’s push-bike.

How do you fix it, how do you fix a push-bike?

Well, both the wheels fell off...

And they were in the ditch at the time.

She was still on the framework.

So I assisted…I was
driving my Robin Reliant.

I swerved over into the ditch,

pulled out the two wheels,
said, “Judy, forget about it.”

We had a ball.

We went off to a canal

had some egg sandwiches and a
bottle of cider and had a lovely day out.

True or false?

In that kind of plausible backstory,
it’s almost too believable.

Are you allowed…

’cause it could be true but just…he’s
surrounded it with a huge ball of bullsh*t.

I should warn you he may be lying.

Where was it you actually met
Dame Judi with her broken bicycle?

Barnes. Just outside Barnes.

So...she doesn’t live near Barnes.

- Well, she travels at...
- She was on her bicycle!

Ride across London?

You don’t cycle outside your own
front door do you, in a circle?

You gotta go somewhere.

It’s so…it’s so believable.

True?

False. It’s a lie.

He’s saying it’s a lie.

I can’t believe that. Vic.

I have to inform you and it really…

It’s a lie.

All of which brings us to the end
of this pulsating opening round,

with Lee’s team having accrued
four points and David’s meek at 2.

And so like Britney Spears, we
move swiftly to the next round.

It’s called This is My.
And it’s self-explanatory.

However for those who insist
on details each of David’s team

will claim to have a genuine connection
with tonight’s special guest person

who we’re about to introduce to you.

And it’s up to Lee’s team to spot
whose connection is genuine.

So please welcome this week’s
special guest person Maurice.

And Russell perhaps you’d like to
fill us in on how you know Maurice.

Absolutely. This is my
landlord Maurice. Alright?

I know him too well. I’ll be honest.

He’s actually the 16th
Earl of Westmorland.

Good. So a landlord who is
also the Earl of Westmorland.

David, what’s Maurice to you?

He’s my teacher.

And he is training me in
the art of ventriloquism

for my next acting role.

So a ventriloquist teacher.

And lastly then, Wendy, what’s
your connection with Maurice?

This is Maurice, he’s my hairdresser

and he also cuts the hair of Tony Blair.

So there you are.

A noble landlord according to Russelll,
David’s ventriloquist teacher,

or hairdresser to the stars
and Tony Blair, if you believe Wendy.

Russelll. Pray tell, more
of the Earl of Westmorland.

Ok, well, me and Mojo,
that’s what I call him.

We had a party once.

Up in our flat. He lives downstairs.

And it was quite sore of crazy.

And he came up, we played twister.

And he lost and we were all like…

And he goes “Well actually,
I am the 16th Earl of Westmorland”.

Went like that, back at us.
And we went “Good comeback.”

Then I served everyone beef
Wellington. What a night!

Wendy may I ask is he your
current hairdresser at this time?

- Yes. - Yeah?

And where about would his shop be?

- Is it in the west end of London or… - Yes.

Where about?

It’s umm...it’s near Baker Street.

Near Baker Street?

- Very near baker Street. - On Baker Street?

No.

You wouldn’t perchance know
the name of the road, I guess?

No, umm, because you see I don’t
drive. If I am going around, I tend to walk.

so I don’t look at street names.

Is it in the underground of Baker Street?

Where the Hobbits have their hair stylists.

Does he still do Tony Blair’s hair?

Yes.

Right.

And do you get any gossip?

No, Maurice never repeats gossip.

Right, very discreet.

- Yes. - Okay.

Sorry David, can you just
remind me of yours again please?

A ventriloquist, which is clearly…

And how many lessons have you had David,
just approximately, how many lessons?

I’ve had three.

Any other questions, Lee?

Yes, I want an example from
David, a bit of ventriloquism.

After three lessons you should
be able to do something faraway.

Bloody hell.

It’s quite embarrassing, my teacher’s here.

I’ll do my best.

All we can ask for.

I'm nervous now, going
that thing in my finger.

Hello, how are you?

What? Woah, woah, woah.

Stop!

- You can't argue… - That's how
posh people speak all the time!

Why do you think I got the part?!

- Excuse me, are you willing to build an extension for
me? - You can't argue with a round of applause.

Are you? You wanted to build it instead?
I wouldn't bother moving my lips.

You're moving them loads!

You're moving it.

But I'm not posh! Am I?

Well you sounded like him just then.

And so Lee, you're thinking it's
probably not the ventriloquist?

Oh no I'm thinking it could be.
I just think David's not very good at it.

I have to say I'm not going
with Wendy's story at all on this.

Because you've got fantastic
hair. And he's clearly a scruff-bag.

It's either the landlord
or the ventriloquist.

- What do you think, Vic?
- I'm going for the ventriloquist.

- How do you know it's the
ventriloquist as well Len? - Landlord.

Right...Landlord?

Now that I look at him...the more I look at him

I can see him in a basement.

- Lee you're team captain. - I'm
actually gonna overrule you there, Len.

I think it's David's ventriloquist teacher.

You're saying it's David's
ventriloquist teacher.

Maurice, perhaps you would like
to tell us who you really are?

I'm actually Wendy's hairdresser.

Yes indeed, he is Wendy Richard’s
hairdresser. Well done to…

And I do cut Tony Blair's hair.

- Oh, what's he like? - Very nice.

Is he?

You don't fancy giving him a
wet shave occasionally, do you?

- No promise. - I've asked him to, no luck.

What did it though? You don't
even know where his shop is.

More importantly, what have
you been doing in my flat?!

Maurice, thank you very
much indeed, well done.

Many thanks to Maurice Miller, who
managed to completely outwit Lee's team

by standing still and saying
nothing. It's that simple.

Maurice is obviously a man who
knows a thing or two about temptation,

stood behind Tony Blair with a pair of sharp scissors.

I'm sure he indulges in the same idle chitchat.

“Sending the troop anywhere nice this year?”

So at the end of that round,
a quick look at the scores

shows it's David's team, who is
steaming ahead, leading as they are 6-4.

So to the round widely
regarded as Telly Tales.

Each member of one team will follow up a clip

from a much loved TV show with a
riveting piece of information relating to it.

All that our panelists have to do is work
out whether that statement is truth or tosh.

And tonight we are proud to
feature The Euro-vision Song Contest,

a fabulous and flamboyant
festival of musical culture,

or, if you're not g*y, a 2-hour lake of shite.

So Lee is first up with a fact about this:


OK, that was the spectacular
Papa Penguin in 1980

but Lee has an even more
extraordinary fact. Lee.

Yes, I know you're probably thinking

It's probably well definitely
the only animal that was

featured that year in the
Eurovision Song Contest.

Well, stop your horses and get
off, ‘cause I've got a fact.

The Swedish entry that year also had
a real, live orangutan as their dancer.

So what are you thinking, other than…

Well I just think…Imagine how pissed off
the poor Luxembourg team were gonna be.

“We thought we nailed it this year,

but this man who looks almost
exactly like a penguin…”

If you look very carefully you can
tell that it's maybe another seabird.

But what about the
welfare of the orangutan,

being made to be distressed in a
program that nobody really watches?

I don't know whether the
orangutan would be more upset

being in Eurovision than
being in a better program.

Because an orangutan might find

even being in something
excellent like The Office

quite a distressing experience.

'Cause he's not gonna get it.

Very few orangutans understand
the structure of a script.

Critical faculties are almost nil.

He wouldn't get Terry Wogan's irony.

You'll be surprised, David.

The question we have
to ask ourselves, then,

is how cruel are the Swedes.

Will you put that to google.

Are they cruel people?

I think if they got an orangutan
it would totally freak out

and either go mental and smash
up some sound equipment

Maybe that was it, it just got a
guitar and started smashing it.

Maybe they said “We don't
need to write a song.

We'll just see what the monkey does.”

That's how Ginger Spice started.

You're probably taking the whole
when I said they were dancing.

In your head, you're
thinking like a routineer.

It's simply…The job was to
just…It's obviously caged.

So it was in a cage.

It was caged. It was rubbish.

I'd it like a pole. I had an
image of it doing like that.

Sweden, actually, they are
usually among the more

competent entries of
Eurovision, aren't they?

They have won it in the past, I think.

Yeah, ABBA, they're Swedish.

I am quite into music.

- So... - They wouldn't have
needed a gimmick like that then.

Exactly, they wouldn't have
needed a gimmick like that.

I think true. I want it to be true.

I wanted Father Christmas to be true.

Still do.

What do you think, Wendy?

- You think? - I think not.

I think not.

OK, well, that's what you're saying.

And let's find out if you're right.

Did Sweden ever have an
orangutan in their band, Lee?

Well actually, it was a lie.

Well done.

It is a lie.

Sweden did not have a
live orangutan in their band.

He left due to musical differences.

They wanted to do an uptempo power pop
number, whereas he wanted a banana.

In fact, to this day, the hairiest thing

to actually enter Eurovision
was Dana International.

So, Len is next.

Here's the Finnish entry from 1976.

The majestically titled "Pump-pump".

So, long last the answer
there to the question,

"What ever happened to Demis Roussos?"

That guy exit.

That was "Pump-pump", anyway,
by Freddie and the Friends.

But what was Len's additional
piece of priceless trivia, Len?

That was the Eurovision
entry from Finland there.

And my fact is that...

On July 27, in Finland,

they celebrate Sleepy Head Day.

When the last member of the family there
awakes, he's taken down to the sea...

and thrown in.

-Sleepy Head Day? - The question you're asking is

"Would the same nation that
produces the giant man and those girls

be the location for a frenzy of splashes?"

That's pretty much the connection between.

So where does Sleepy Head
Day come from then, Len?

Well, actually it dates back to
the Middle Ages, where, evidently,

seven Christians slept in a
cave for two hundred years.

And so they came up with this Sleepy Head,

and I can actually tell you
the Finnish for that is...

Unikeonpäivä.

Unikeonpäivä.

- Where we get the Knickerbocker
glory from. - Yes.

Originally it was packed with sedatives.

What do you think?

- It does sound like one of those
daft things that they would do. - Yeah.

- Do you think? - Yeah.

We used to have a pram race
in our village, so it's conceivable.

People chase cheeses in Wales, don't they?

And the first person that gets to the
cheese, I don't know, gets the cheese?

So I think this is true.

Okay, Len, truth or garbage?

Funny enough. it's true.

Yes.

Len's telling the truth.

July 27 is indeed National
Sleepy Head Day in Finland.

Where the last person that has to wake up

is traditionally thrown in
the nearest lake or sea.

And July 28 is, of course, National
Granny's-Washes-up-in-the-Shore Day.

So at the end of that round, it's Lee's team

who are what's commonly known
as last, trailing as they do, 9-4.

And so to our final quick-fire round.

Featuring some more home truths,
but this time against the clock.

A random flashing light will
select which of our panelists

has to dish more dirt about themselves.

The eternal question, as ever, being:

"Are they to be believed
or are they a lying toerag?"

It's David's team who are in the leads.

So Lee's team needs all the
points they can get, starting now.

Wendy.

I have no idea how to use a
launderette washing machine.

How long have you stood in a launderette?



You say you don't know how to use one,
how would you think that you do it?

Well, looks to me it's the coins...

They are tricky.

Are you saying you've never been into a

- launderette or... - I
have been into the launderette.

I didn't know how to work the machine.

You know, William Shatner
can't really fly a star-ship.

You know, Lee, she's got us all
with her devious acting before.

I would guess that you are
actually telling the truth.

- Wendy. It is true. - Yes, I am.

Next, Lee.

My parents told me my dog was dead
when in actual facts it was in Scunthorpe.

Oh, yeah, laugh it up now.

Why was the dog in Scunthorpe?

Well, because my parents had
decided to give him away.

And didn't wanna tell me that.

So they gave him to somebody
who lived in Scunthorpe, a relative.

And where did you live?

We lived in the Northwest of England.

I'm not gonna give you the exact location.

Due to the fact that I've got many fans.

That is a lie, by the way.

- What happened when you went to visit your
relative that had the dog? - Yeah, exactly.

Well it was a distant relative, so we
didn't have to see them that much.

- I think it could well be true.
You don't believe it? - I don't.

OK, we'll go with a lie.

OK, Lee, put us out of our misery.

It wasn't out of his misery,
of course, it was in Scunthorpe.

It's actually true.

It's true.

Next, David.

As a teenager, I had a poster of Margaret
Thatcher on my bedroom wall.

I totally believe you still got a picture
of Margaret Thatcher on your wall.

David, describe to me in
detail the picture, please.

She was in a, sort of, blue suit.

True.

And I think it was some time
during the election, it looks like.

- True. - Going along a crowd of people.

Did you have other great Torys
on your wall as well, other than...

Pitt the Younger, obviously,
I still got him up there.

Lee, what's your answer?

I'm gonna have to confirm it.
What do you think, Vic?

True, my love, true.

- What do you say? - I think
you're both wrong. I think it's a lie.

- Yes. - It is a lie.

Can I just say, thank you!

Thank you for not believing that.

David did not have a poster of
Margaret Thatcher on his bedroom wall.

He could see it quite well enough
through his night vision binoculars.

Next, Len.

I k*lled a falcon while playing golf.

- Wow. - Did you k*ll the bird
with the ball or with the club?

With the ball.

You're not saying,
"Get off my tee, f*ck!"

- Did you get into trouble for
having k*lled this falcon? - No, I did not.

This isn't true, I don't think...
It's not like just a wren.

I mean, you've taken the wren out with it,
although a wren would be harder to hit.

But then you weren't aiming.

- I don't think it's true. Do you think it's true? - False.

It's a lie.

OK, they're saying it's a lie.

Well, to be honest, it's completely true.

This is true, Len did hit a
falcon whilst playing golf.

The falcon is regarded as one of
the fastest animals in the world.

Or as Len would say,
"Not fast enough, my friend."

Next, Vic.

I once helped TV's Doctor Raj Persaud

fix his computer, it just needed a reboot.

Sorry, I have to...First,
I can't read this question.

Obviously, I don't know
who Doctor Raj Persaud is

And I don't know what a reboot is.

It does seem like a lie.

You're quite right it's a lie.

Vic has never helped Doctor
Raj Persaud fix his computer.

In fact, Vic knows as much about
computers as the PC Wales helpline.

Which irritating horn-like sound
means, at the end of our final rounds,

tonight's runaway winners are David's team,
having trounced Lee's team by 11 points to 9.

So congratulations to David's team,

and our deep and sincere
sympathies to Lee's team.

Yep, another lie.

Join us next week for more of the
same, and always remember that

according to psychologists,
a person who is lying

would avoid making direct eye contact.

Which explains how David Blunkett
got away from it for so long.

Good night.