01x02 - John Barrowman, Patrick McGuinness, Fay Ripley, Dominic Wood

[bunniefuu]

Tonight on Would I lie to you

He hails from Torchwood,
it's John Barrowman.

He hails from Mr and Mrs Wood,
it's Dom Wood.

And their team captain, Lee Mack.

And facing them tonight...

She's a mother of two,
it's Fay Ripley.

He's been drinking since two,
it's Patrick McGuinness.

And their team captain,
David Mitchell.

But first, please make some noise,

specifically of the
excited and welcoming kind

for your host, Angus Deayton.

Thank you, good evening and
welcome to Would I lie to you

where our panellists
have half an hour

to prove just how expert
they are at bare-faced lying.

Psychologists have now identified




And apparently the best way
to make sure someone isn't lying to you

is to keep constant eye contact,
study their body language

and wire their n*pples
up to 10 000 volt.

In medieval England
a suspected liar would have to

carry a red-hot iron bar
for nine paces.

If their hands were burned
they were declared a liar and then hanged.

Of course if their hands weren't burned
they were declared a witch and then hanged.

And so against all our better judgements
we start with round one,

Home truths, in which guests
read out a statement about themselves.

At this point they have no idea what's written on the card.
It might be a true fact

or a big fat lie
that they'll just have to run with.

The opposing team then use all their powers of deduction

or failing that, a lot of random guesswork

to establish if it's the truth
or, conversely, not.

So John it is with our first Home truth.

I was caught short
in Prince Charles' garden.

What do you mean, caught short?

Are you not familiar
with that phrase?

Would you like me to elaborate?

Yes, within the bounds of BBC viewing.

- Wee wee.
- Oh, right.

Taking a piss.

Why were you
in Prince Charles' garden?

It was a tour.

Which garden of his?

- He's got many gardens.
- At Highgrove.

The garden at Highgrove.

What sort of tour?

Could I look in the Yellow Pages,
Prince Charles' garden tours and go book?

- Highgrove has tours.
- So it's open to the public?

You have to write
and be invited.

You have to send off for an invitation.

Anyone from the public
can write.

"Dear Charlie, any chance
of a piss in your garden?"

Does he know, Prince Charles,
that you did this?

I'm assuming that
he might know about it.

You assume that a random tourist

pissing in his garden,
that's gonna get back to him.

It actually set the alarm off.

You are just bragging now,
aren't you?

Probably weed through a laser beam.

Is there any medical reason
why you can't anticipate these...

I mean, is that
what we're dealing with here?

Yeah, I'm incontinent.

David, we're gonna have to
rush you for a decision here.

Well, it's a bit odd that...

I'm sure Prince Charles
has got a large garden

but I don't think
that would constitute being

too far from civilisation
to find a proper loo.

I think he's a dirty little liar.

You're team captain, David.
You're gonna have to make a decision.

- You have to override one of your...
- I think he's telling the truth.

- And you don't?
- I don't.

I'm with you,
I think that's a lie.

They're saying it's a lie.
What is the truth, John?

The truth is...

The story...

It's true.

Yes, it's absolutely true.

John was caught short
in Prince Charles' garden.

So if you thought your Duchy
Original biscuits tasted funny,

check where the oats are from.

Of course John could just have done
as Camilla does when she's caught short

lifted her tail
and hosed the snails off the park.

And so to Paddy for his Home truth.

I've snogged Paris Hilton.

Well there is
an obvious question that begs itself.

How come, you ugly git?
I mean...

Where were you?

At the James Bond premiere.

So you snogged Paris Hilton?

It was at the premiere,
at the party afterwards?

No, just at the premiere.

It was a friend of mine, doing bits...

I went up to her, said hello and
instead of kissing her on the cheek I went on her lips.

Oh you didn't even ask her, you just lunged in?
That's confidence.

- That's very confident.
- What flavour was her lip-gloss?

If you kissed her you'd remember the flavour.

It was just like sticky, I don't know.
It wasn't a flavour.

It was sticky.

I tell you what, you know all the chat up lines don't you?

"Oh thanks love, that's very sticky."

You're gonna have to come up with some kind of answer

either true or lie.

You see, the thing is I'm from the same part of the world he's from

and I can believe this is true, because

it just saves time, money, expense...

Just why mess about?
"I haven't got time for all this, love."

Okay, so you're thinking it's probably true?

- What do you think, Dom?
- True.

- What do you think?
- I'll go with the boys. I'll say true.

They're saying it's true.
Paddy?

Oh it was a lie!

Paddy has not snogged Paris Hilton.
Which, if you look at the statistics,

is the least probable answer.

Paris Hilton, 26, recently likened herself to

Marilyn Monroe and Princess Diana,

both of whom died sudden deaths
at a tragically early age.

So, our next...

Our next Home truth comes from Dom.

So fess up, if you would.

My nickname at school was Earsniffer.

David's team, is this right or rubbish?

Was there an incident that

sparked this nickname off?

Were you caught sniffing someone's ears?

I think that's the long and short of it, yeah.

A girl called Alexandra Westberg,
it started off with her.

And I got slightly obsessed with her
and then I did that thing.

You know, where you get your arm and you scrape it with a compass until

- You got their name in blood on your arm.
- No.

And then it goes septic,
it goes green on your arm.

Then I sniffed her ear and it snowballed.

I'm so glad I'm g*y because
we don't do that kind of thing.

Please don't go.

He was earsniffer,
I was rearsniffer.

David, what are we thinking?

You so glossed over the actual

first ear sniffing incident.

- Were you in a lesson?
- Orchestra.

During orchestra,
she played the piccolo.

I played the viola.
Not violin, viola.

Sounds like you had a pretty tough upbringing.

- It was hell.
- I gotta ask a question.

Are you Ant or Dec?

Would it be possible if you could come over here

and show me how the sniff was done, on David's ear?

Can I not just try it on his?

Or what about John's? No no no.

sh*t, no.

I do like how you go
"sh*t no, if I sniff his ear..."

"He's g*y, he'll have sex with me."

Do we want to see him sniff?

- The people have spoken.
- It was more of an

ear sniffer licker kind of thing.

We'll do it.

- David, that must have helped.
- It's odd that...

Considering now you're claiming you licked her ear,

why didn't they call you Earlicker?

That's a bigger deal than just sniffing.

I was at the end of the orchestra and they were all round there.

- And they could only just see the...
- Not again.

On those grounds you're thinking...

I think it's a lie.

I think it's a lie really.

- I'll go with you.
- Right, we think it's a lie.

- Okay, Dom.
- You fools, it is...

It's a lie.

It's complete rubbish.

Dom's nickname at school was never earsniffer.

Although I can't help thinking that whoever writes these lies

is working through some issues.

All of which means it's...

David's team who are throwing down the gauntlet,
leading as they are 3-1.

Our next round is and always will be known as the Ring of truth.

In short our teams will be presented with a celebrity fact or two

whose veracity it is up to them to vouch safe or pooh-pooh.

David's team goes first.
How true is this?

Madonna has her toilet seat
removed from every venue she performs at

so that no one
sells it on eBay.

The thing is that maybe, by removing the toilet seat,
she's created this sort of mystique.

"Oh she has to remove her toilet seats otherwise people will want to sell them."

And in reality no one will want to sell something that her old arse has touched.

The toilet seats, when they get taken away
where do they go to?

To a big toilet seat warehouse?

They buy a new seat every time.
And then throw it away at the end.

It's a bit obsessive compulsive, isn't it?

It's like people who keep their wee in labelled jars.

Actually very obsessive compulsive people

can sometimes do that.
They sort of, as it were,

file their various excreta.

- How would you know?
- How would I know?

- About filing those sorts of things.
- Well I am a knowledgeable man.

This is part of my knowledge.

If I knew how I knew everything I knew

then I'd only be able to know half as much

because it'd be clogged up with where I know it from.

I cannot always cite my sources, I'm sorry.

There are other artists who do the same thing.
Janet Jackson and Mary J Blige...

also insist on having their toilet seats removed.

What are you veering towards?

- I think it's feasible.
- It's feasible.

I'm just worried about these stars
with warehouses full of old loo seats.

I don't know why I'm worried about them

there's no reason why I should give a sh*t whether they live or die.

She's not doing it, is she?
She's not brought the spanner to

put in her thing.
Someone else has come in

she's totally unaware of it.
Just gets done, one of those things.

"Hey Madonna, I wanna get off early.

"Are you you gonna need to go again before the end of the...

"Or can I remove it now?

"I wanna get home before eleven if I can, so

"will you need another sh*t tonight?

"I mean, it's fine. I can wait.

"But maybe you could go now?

"If you're ready."

So. Maybe it's not true.

- Go with your gut instinct.
- We say it's a lie.

You're saying it's a lie and it is indeed

True.

It is true.
Madonna does have all her toilet seats

removed from every concert venue to prevent them from being sold on eBay.

She also had all the decent songs from her last album

to prevent them being sold in HMV.

Lee's team. Your teaser.

Tony Blair proposed to Cherie in a bumper car.

To me they look more like roller coaster people.
That sort of like...

- That's why her face is always like that.
- Yeah, that was the joke.

It was a visual.

I'm sh*t at time travel, don't worry about it.

I'll tell you what, I'm sh*t at time travel.

- True, lie or both?
- What do you think?

Dare I say poppycock. I think.

- I think true.
- You think true?

But you are team captain, Lee.
So it's your word that is final.

I have to say that I'm slightly

Leaning towards John. Don't.

And I suspect that actually

that could be true as well.
It also explains a lot

because there's a massive metal bar in the front.

"I was gonna say no but now I better say yes

"because I'm not gonna get asked again."

And that is the truth so help me God.

Right. And I can tell you that

- Come on.
- It is indeed a complete

Rubbish.
It's a lie.

It's a lie, Tony Blair did not propose to Cherie in a bumper car.

Cherie doesn't like going to fun fairs, everyone thinks that

if they throw three ba*ls in her mouth they win a foam Shrek.

Our next round goes by the grammatically challenged title of This is my,

in which Lee's team all claim to have a

close connection to tonight's special guest person.

Only one of them is telling the truth and it's up to David's team

to seek that person out and speak his name.

So please welcome this week's special guest person, Mark.

Now Lee, perhaps you'd like to explain how you know Mark.

This is Mark.
Hi, Mark.

Don't say hello, you rude bugger.

I actually employ Mark solely to manage my iPod.

You've changed.

- John, what is Mark to you?
- I cut the ribbon

at the opening of Mark's karaoke superstore.

Finally Dom, what's your relationship with Mark?

Mark's a good mate of mine and we

used to be in
a magical double act and

we used to be called Mysterio and Mark.

So there you are.
A professional iPod manager according to Lee.

A karaoke shopkeeper if you believe John.

Or a former magical partner of Dom's.

David, time to interrogate the enemy.

This double act, what was it called again?

Mysterio and Mark.

So you choose Mysterio as a name and he choose...

That's the reason we had to part ways in the end,

because he was just Mark and had to go.

Were you expelled from The Magic Circle?

Yes I was, for being

a very naughty little wizard.

Lee, when did you come to the point of

realising that your iPod had got on top of you

and you needed to get in some help?

I've got hundreds of albums.
I bought the iPod

and I don't know anything about computers, so...

It strikes me that the iPod is a machine

for putting music on itself. Right?

You already have a machine for doing that

and you're paying a person to work that machine.

Do you use your own toaster?

Or do you also subcontract that?

"It's so, I know nothing about electricity.

"So I just give him the bread,

"Tell him where the toaster is and some sort of miracle happens.

"It's just a lot quicker that way."

It's all right for you with your private education.

I don't understand the basic principles of...

- But...that...not
- Might up, posh boy. Answer me.

I'm telling you now that

I understand the concept of getting it from

the machine to the iPod.
If I'm gonna be honest

I don't know how you get it onto the computer in the first place.

Unless you put the CD in, which takes forever.

Putting the CD in does not take forever.

How's it get from the computer onto the iPod?
Down a wire.

You don't have to stand over it.
The computer will do it for you.

I'm a control freak.
I know...

No no no, I know what's gonna happen!

If you're a control freak

why are you letting someone else do this?

If you're so...

Furthermore, if I can ask you to shut up this time, you...

See, you didn't have the guts to say "you working-class piece of scum".

I actually didn't have the time to get it out.

Because you'd already interrupted.

David, before it gets too angry.
It is possible that he's lying.

That is the case for Lee, but we have one more.

It'll be John's, who

claims that he's a karaoke shopkeeper.

What is a karaoke shop?

A shop that sells karaoke stuff.

How much were you paid?

How much was I paid?

You didn't do it for charity, let's face it.

Actually I did

because I felt like giving back to the community.

What had you taken from the community?

Doing it for free for

a karaoke store isn't doing it for charity.

That's doing it for a karaoke store.

I don't think much Comic Relief money

goes to karaoke stores.

"We gotta keep getting the karaoke out there,

"it's so difficult, the overheads are vast."

This is like a high street store

where someone who's just wandering past gets

some vegetables, maybe a book at Waterstones.

"Maybe I'll fit out a karaoke bar."

It's in an industrial estate.

Not on the high street.

- Whereabouts?
- I don't know the exact location...

You lying b*stard!

Wouldn't you love a Doctor Who villain to talk like that?

"You lying b*stard!"

We need a decision.
So, David's team.

Is this man Lee's labour saving iPod technician?

John's karaoke aficionado?

Or Dom's illusionist cohort?

Dom I know is a

magician, so it's a very plausible story

that he was in a magician double act.

If the iPod thing is true then

you are not the man i thought you were, Lee.

And that's the price you'll pay for this petty victory.

I think I'm with you, I think it's

Dom at the moment.

You're saying it's Dom.

Mark, perhaps you'd like to reveal you own identity?

John did open my karaoke superstore.

Thank you very much and well done to Mark.

Our next round is Telly tales

in which we revisit one of our national televisual treasures

and David's team astound us with an additional related fact.

Tonight the subject of our scrutiny is EastEnders.

So let's just remind ourselves what it was like

living in the world with the common people.

A host of familiar faces from the past

being punched, slapped and nutted.

Of course many people consider the golden period of the show

to be about eight o'clock, when it ends.

So Paddy's fascinating fact is,

after this piece of beautifully understated dialogue.

HEY!

I'M SORRY!

I LOVE YOU!

FRANK!

What is Paddy's intriguing piece

of Pat Butcher trivia?

Pam St Clement is a member of

the British Abseiling Association.

Wait.

And has abseiled down Mount Rushmore.

As true as I'm sat here.

Who's "Pat" St Clement?

- I have no clue.
- She's the woman we just saw

that looked like something from The Creature from the "Blue" Lagoon.

- She plays Pat.
- Pat in EastEnders, gotcha.

I don't know her by her real name.

British Abseiling Association.

What the hell were the BAA doing in the United States?

Abseiling.

She's quite a formidable woman, this Pat.

That's a polite way of putting it.

"Oh, you're formidable."

She looks like she could abseil, I'll give her that.

- Really?
- I reckon she could do it without rope.

Very quickly.

I think it's false.

I think it's so unlikely

that it's likely.
Does that make sense?

- You think it's false.
- I think it's false but go for true

if you wanna go for true because you said you'd never...

Alright, hissy mother.

Alright let's go with you...

You've made your bed, you sleep on it.

I doubt it very much, but John's

always right, so I'll go...

I don't understand why we have to sit here and watch this sh*t.

Now for God's sake

make your f-bleep-ing mind up.

And did Points of View get back to you?

I would say that the answer to that question is that it is indeed,

going by John's answer, false.

Let's find out how correct you are. Paddy?

Truth or baloney?

It's a lie.

Dom was right, Paddy was in fact lying.

Pam St Clement is not a member of the British Abseiling Association

and has not abseiled down Mount Rushmore.

Although she did mount the north face of Frank Butcher.

At the end of that round it's David's team who are

preparing for the worst, trailing as they do 7-3.

And so to our final Quick-fire round.

More truths and lies, this time against the clock.

Starting now.

When we were first dating, I collected

my husband's belly button fluff.

Can I just say if this is true I'm not comfortable being this close to you.

How much did you get of this stuff?

What are we talking? Tea cosy, quilt?

I'd say in excess of fifty examples.

It might sound like a ridiculous question, but why?

Because I felt...

That, one, I needed a hobby. And two...

I was showing my love for him

by collecting a part of him.

It worked. He proposed.

He did. Yes.

And what happened the night he proposed?

I ate it.

I was absolutely buying this.

- Right up until the eating bit.
- I'm with you. I'd say false.

I believed it up until the eating.

What he said. And what you said. What you both said. False.

So is it fact or fantasy?

I'm sorry. It's true.

It is true.
Fay did collect her husband's

bellybutton fluff when they were first dating.

Which makes her one of the most romantic

obsessive-compulsive psychopaths in the world

In a restaurant in China i unwittingly

ordered and ate dog.

When did you find out it was dog?

When I bit into it and said to the waiter "what is this?".

And she said something which apparently means "I don't speak English".

But then I asked somebody else who was with me,

who spoke Chinese, and they said

the Chinese for "what is this".

To which she said something in Chinese.

To which he interpreted,

got back to me and said...

Dog.

What did you think it was? Prawns?

"This prawn is massive."

It's got a collar.

Rover? Funny name for a prawn.

- What did you have with it?
- It was on a bed of rice

and it was with a small beer.

On a bed of rice with a squeaky ball on top.

David's team, is Lee to be believed?

We think it's true.

You're saying it's true.

- True or lie, Lee?
- It is in fact...

A load of twaddle.

It is a lie.
Lee has not unwittingly ordered

and eaten dog in a restaurant in China.

In recent years China has started to westernise its culinary tastes.

In fact one of the most popular TV programmes in China

is the British cookery show Crufts.

I have wrestled Andy McNab for money.

Are we talking the same Andy McNab that did...

- Yes.
- ... literature, Bravo Two Zero?

I was doing a corporate for the army in North Yorkshire.

For the people who learn to drive the tanks and all this carry-on.

And we all had a drink afterwards in the officers' mess.

And it just happened.

Where's the bit of money come into all this?

They were all putting their money down. Just a bit of fun.

- So who won?
- McNab.

How did he beat you? Give me the move that he beat you in.

Want me to show you down there?

I'll volunteer.

You get yourself down on the floor.

On your side.

He had me in the scissors.

And that was more or less it.

What's your decision then?

I don't know, I imagine Paddy doing that.

- I can imagine...
- We don't need to, you saw it.

- What do you think, Dom?
- If you're gonna get booked for a corporate event

with the army, it'll be someone like Paddy. I reckon it's true.

- I say false.
- False?

So you have to decide.

- I think that's true.
- You're thinking true?

They say it's true.

It is a lie.

Which irksome sound means at

the end of our final round it's

Lee's team who are tonight's supremos

having trounced David's team 10-6.

Lee's team get our congratulations.

David's team get their coats.
Join us again soon

for some more facts and fabrications.
And remember,

as American writer Mark Twain once said

"Of all the creatures, man is the only one that lies."

To which his parrot instantly replied "bollocks".