31x06 - Driving Home for Christmas

[bunniefuu]

MUSIC: Jessica
by The Allman Brothers Band

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Hello and welcome
to a very Top Gear Christmas.

Light the candles,
crack the crackers

and hang a tiny, pine-scented tree
from the rear view mirror,

for it truly is the most
wonderful time of the year.

Good to see you've gone to town
on the Christmas decorations.

Well, it is truly the most wonderful
time of the year,

just not for
the BBC props department. Ah.

Basically, The One Show
got in before us.

Just to be clear -

everyone loves Christmas,
but you REALLY love Christmas.

Of course I do. What's not to love?

Chestnuts roasting on an open fire,
Jack Frost nipping at your nose

and, of course, giving treasured
gifts to your nearest and dearest.

Exactly!
So we thought, what better way

for the three of us
to celebrate Christmas

than buying cars for each other?

Something thoughtful
that reflected our personalities.

Bit of a Secret Santa. Yes.

And the producers weirdly thought
this wasn't a completely mad idea.

So they said, "Go on, then -

"buy a car for one of
your fellow presenters,

"then meet up
to unwrap your gifts...

"..in Bethlehem."

CHOIR SINGS

That's right, folks.

To kick off Christmas with a bit of
good old-fashioned present swapping,

where better place to start...

..than Bethlehem...

..Wales?

Oh, merry...

Look at this! Merry Christmas, lads.

You are like a kid, aren't you,
at Christmas?

I love it! Best time of year, Fred.
Look at this - the tinsel's out...

Do you wish it could
be Christmas every day?

Look at that. Eh?

It's a nice... It's a nice metaphor
for this as well.

Do you like the fact
we're in a farmyard?

Look, that's the...
There's a manger in there.

There's a donkey there. Donkey.

It's the most wonderful time
of the year, Andrew!

Right, who's first?

Well, Chris has been a good boy
this year, haven't you?

He has been a good boy.
Hasn't he been a good boy?

We were going to forget him.
Look at that, there.

Look at your name. Can I open it?

Yes, you can, Tiny Tim.

"To Chris, from Fred" -
and he spelt it right as well.

Can I guess it from the wing mirror,
do you reckon? Oh... Oh...

Oh! Oh. Oh, oh, oh!
Oh, now, what are we thinking?

I've got it! I've got it from
the electric window switch! No! Yes!

Go on, then, what is it?
It's a Citroen BX.

Oh. Yeah.
CHRIS LAUGHS

Not just any Citroen BX!

MICS MUFFLED BY HUG

With lightweight plastic body
panels, sports styling,

and pneumatic suspension for
the weird French car connoisseur,

this is a Citroen BX 4x4 GTI.

What a car!

I thought you love your quirky,
weird French stuff.

Oh, mate! Look at it.
You have... Look at it.

Wow. You've made Christmas.

It is '80s perfection.
Look at it!

85,000 miles? She's a minter.

Now, let us just shut the door
a minute there for him,

because let him have...

That's horrendous.
Awful. It's horrendous. Awful.

But he's happy.

Oh! Oh! Beautiful.

I have always wanted one of these.

Beautiful.
Right, shall we open up the rest?

Oh! Oh.

"Lovingly" wrapped.

I wonder who this is off.

All right, come on, Pad.

Oh... Here we go! Here we go.

Come on, Pad! Oh!

Oh, no, no, no! It can't be! You...

Oh, my word. Not what
I was expecting! It's an XR3i.

You got me a 3i, son!

You have absolutely nailed it!

I most certainly had.

Because this rock-solid,
fast-Ford Paddy puller

comes complete with added boy racer
styling and a cabriolet roof.

Do you know how much
I wanted a cab one of these?

I had one back in the day,
but not a cab.

Merry Christmas!
Merry Christmas! So envious.

You know I love a Ford!

Look at this, Fred -
all original paintwork.

FREDDIE LAUGHS

ENGINE REVS AND CHUNTERS
Oh. Ah.

A bit lumpy.
THEY LAUGH

This is where I do that thing

where I don't want to be ungrateful
to me daddy, but...

ENGINE STARTS AND RATTLES

Yeah, it's just slightly missing.

Go on, Pad. Go on, Pad.

ENGINE ROARS
Wahey!

All right, Pad, Pad,
Pad, Pad, Pad...

Hoo-hoo!

It's my toy,
I'll do what I want with it!

ENGINE PURRS
Oh, there you are -

that's a bit better now.

Just screams "Paddy McGuinness",
doesn't it? It does.

It was made for him.

You can see him driving
around in Bolton in this.

I mean, it is objectively
a terrible-looking car,

but it suits him.

I've got to tell you,
I'm very happy.

Right.

Andrew.

I think, you know
who's wrapped this one, eh?

Is this your work, Pad?
It's a bit of me, this.

This is inspired by Selfridges,
isn't it? Yes, it is.

"To Fred, from Paddy and Chris."
Touching.

Yeah, now what we did, we put our
heads together on this one. Right.

We are that convinced that
we've done the right thing here -

you're going to love it.

In fact, I think it's something
you'd have probably chose yourself,

to be honest. It's that good.

Well, we'll save it. I'll get
a couple of quid for that on eBay.

There you are. Oh! Oh!
I'm nervous. I'm nervous.

Oh! Oh! Eh? Come on! Eh? Eh?

It's a Range Rover.
That's right! Shut up!

It is a Range Rover. Shut up!

More to the point,
this is THE Range Rover

that Fred should have driven
in Iceland earlier in the series,

now lovingly...

..re-gifted.

I cannot be happier. Proper?
I just want to drive it.

I just want to get in it
and drive it.

Shall we get on the road? Yes!
Oh, yes, please.

Come on, then. Thank you. Hey...

..before we do,
Christmas isn't Christmas...

..without the Christmas jumper.

What is that?!
That's a fire hazard!

And I know what you're thinking -
I've not forgot you.

There you go. Merry Christmas.
For me?

Merry Christmas. Thank you.

I'm not sure I want to open this.

Oh...

Get them on, boys.

That is lovely. Thank you.

CHRIS LAUGHS

What does it say?

"Drifting through the snow." Yeah.

Drifting through the snow.

It's going to be going uphill,
that car, when you put it on.

THEY LAUGH

MUSIC: Driving Home For Christmas
by Chris Rea

With the festive cheer flowing,
it was time to head out

and see what our presents
were made of.

ENGINE STARTS

HORN HONKS

Watch the suspension rise.

Lead us on, old French car.

WOOD SCRAPES

MUSIC SLOWS TO A STOP

Oh, hang on.

What's he doing? Oh, no.

He's got to unwrap it!
WOOD SCRAPES

Technically, he is.

Go on. There we go!

MUSIC RESUMES

# Driving home for Christmas... #

Now, in a bid to make our road trip
as on-message as possible,

we'd been told to,
yes, drive home for Christmas.

Home, in this case,
being the Top Gear test track -

200 miles away.

Let's be honest, as set-ups go,
it was a heavy-handed one.

Not that that stopped
Bolton's happiest elf

immediately embracing the theme.

No, lads, firstly -
loving spending Christmas with you.

This is a treat for me.

Secondly, when you were a young man,

if you can cast your mind
back that far,

what was your favourite present?

I'll never forget one year.

Me dad, he'd been on strike
for about eight months,

so he couldn't afford anything.

So I was thinking, "You know what?

"Christmas this year is going
to be... going to be a slow one."

Went into the front room
and there was a bike there.

I'll never forget it. It was the
same colour as this car, actually -

it was a maroon Raleigh racer. Wow!

And I could have cried on the spot.

It's funny, innit, all these things
that you remember.

Very similar with me, but the serial
numbers were etched off the bike.

FREDDIE LAUGHS

I have to say,
whatever happens in your life,

you'll never replicate that feeling

when you got the present
that you always wanted.

Yeah, when you're a kid, you're up
at four in the morning, aren't you?

It's that exciting to get down
and start unwrapping a few pressies.

I used to wake up and I'd go
in my mum and dad's room

with a stocking and they'd be like,

"It's four o'clock.
Get back to bed!"

Where was the go-to hiding place
for your mums and dads,

when they had to hide your presents?

I'm going to say something now

that's going to land me
in so much trouble,

I don't know
whether I can say it or not.

Go on. Is it in the maid's scullery?

LAUGHING: It was in the sauna.

Oh, my God!

His mum and dad used to hide
his presents in the sauna!

That's just...!

What? I didn't even know
what a sauna was then. Did you, Pad?

I never... Who has a sauna
in their house?

Well, we know who -
Chris Harris, when he was a kid.

Little Lord Fauntleroy.

Fortunately, our drive home was soon
interrupted by the Brecon Beacons.

Look at that, boys.
Wales. God's country.

And that meant we'd now be heading
across some fantastic roads.

Oh-h*-h*!

So much fun!

Back in the day, the XR3i
was THE hot hatch,

and the Golf GTI?
Yeah, it was a better car.

But it didn't...

Something about it didn't
give me that special feeling,

and I don't know why.

The thing about the XR3i for me
was it had a bit of edge.

It was a little bit naughty.

It was driven by young hoodlums,
up to no good.

In fact, I had one myself.
Mine was a hard top.

It was black, with grey cloth seats,
it didn't have the RS bonnet,

but I loved it.

I thought I was the king of Bolton
when I had one of them.

Here we go. Oh....

ENGINE ROARS

Listen to that
100 brake horsepower purr.

This car is a joy.

Already, it's a joy.

It's true,
I do like weird French cars,

and they don't come much weirder
than the Citroen BX.

It is just the quirkiest,
strangest vehicle.

It could only have come
from France in the 1980s.

And this one is perhaps
the strangest of the lot,

because if you wanted to go
a little bit quicker in your BX...

..they made a GTI - it effectively
had a Peugeot 205 GTI engine in it.

But if you wanted to go fast
in bad weather,

they made a four-wheel-drive
version, and this is one of those.

This is a niche within a niche
within a niche.

It's so rare.

If you drove this into Mayfair,
you might see five Bugatti Chirons.

I can guarantee you
you'll only see one BX 4x4 GTI.

How's the Rangey running, Fred?

Like an absolute dream,
thanks, Chris.

I've got to say, though,
I was worried when I saw the box.

I must admit I was thinking,
"What is in there?"

I'm terrible at getting presents.

But, when I opened it up,
I was so pleased it was this car

cos I chose it, but never got
the chance to drive it.

This was the pioneer.
This was the original.

This set the benchmark
for everyone else to follow.

And now here I am,
I'm sat in it, I'm having a go...

..and it's not a let-down.

It's comfy.

The cloth seats, the armrest,
the driving position.

Driving a Range Rover
with a manual gearbox.

How nice is that?

It's not fast,
but it's not meant to be.

You just trundle along,
looking out the windows.

BELLS JINGLE

But the trundling along
wasn't to last long,

because the producers wanted to know
which one of us

had been gifted
the best car for Christmas,

and that meant pulling over
for a test...

..at the biggest
Christmas tree farm in Wales.

Naturally.

Are you real a Christmas tree, lads,
or are you artificial?

Oh, come on!

Fake all day long -
I don't want no pines on my floor.

You can't have a fake one.
They're terrible.

None of the bloody
pine needles everywhere

and sawing it up afterwards,
getting rid of it...

Oh, look, reindeer!

Oh, aye.

Hello, Rudolph!

They're impressive creatures,
aren't they? Look at those.

And they taste good as well. Ugh!

Would you eat reindeer, Pad?

Not a chance.

Oh, I spy tinsel.

Whoa!

I like this, look.
Would you like to?

SOFT CRACK
Swine.

That's the spirit.

Thanks for waiting for me.

Paper crown. Right... Paper crown!
Do you want it? I've got my cap on.

Go on, then. Yeah, go on, then.

"Time to test the performance
of your presents."

You look like a Benedictine monk.

Yes? Go on.

"Time to test the..."
Oh, is it not a joke?

No, it's a challenge. Aw!

"Time to test the performance
of your presents..." Yeah?

"..with a traditional
Christmas tree dash.

"Quickest to cross the farm, collect
the tree and bag it up, wins."

I like the challenge. I like your
new-found confidence in reading.

That was good, wasn't it?
I like your jumper.

Thank you. Merry...
Hey, merry Christmas.

This is the Christmas spirit, innit?
It is.

h*-h*-h*. Let's go. Come on.

BELLS JINGLE

To see which of our cars
could cope best

with this classic Christmas chore,
we'd be taking on a time trial.

Setting off from a rally-style
staggered start, 30 seconds apart,

we would each sprint to the opposite
side of the farm, find our tree,

load it on board, then hurry back
to chuck it through the netter.

And with Ebenezer Harris

and his jacked-up French fancy
leading us off,

McGuinness was breaking out
his own seasonal secret weapon.

Watch this.

Whoa, Paddy!

# Ta-da! #

Ha-ha-hey!

Made for Christmas tree loading!

Well, that's changed everything,
Patrick.

Heh.

OVER RADIO: And three, two, one.

Go!

Cor, she zips off the line.

Wow!

What a bit of kit!
What a bit of kit!

He's gone off le fast
in le French car there.

You're in an XR3i.

That's right.

Now I knew that these BXs
can raise themselves up,

but I've never actually done it.

ENGINE ROARS
What a machine!

It rides the bumps
like an off-roader.

It's remarkable!

I don't see how an XR3i
is going to compete with this.

Three, two, one.

Go!

Here we go-h*-h*!

Woohoo!

Oh, get round that little corner.
The 3i's in its home!

Now we're rallying!

SUSPENSION BUMPS AND SQUEAKS
Oof!

Right.

Now, come on.

Get the thingy in.

Three, two, one.

Go!

In you go.

Come on, the Range Rover.

It'll have to do, that, really,
isn't it?

Come on, go, go, go, go!

Come on, go!

Can't get out of second gear!

Get over that, straddle that!
Straddle it!

Oh! The old Crimmy trees.

Now, not a problem for the 3i.

Ooh, don't know which one to pick.

They both look so nice. I mean...

..that's got a bit of body on it.
Going to take that one.

Hang on, take that one.

Hup!

Do you know what?
I'm going to have that as well,

cos you never know.

You get them home,
they never quite look the same.

Get round there.
HE STRAINS

We're on.

This is a bit tricky here.

This is not the easiest.

She might not have the pace,

but she's going to have
the space for a tree.

Where's the trees?

Ugh!

Get up there!

Go on, 3i!

This is an absolute scandal.
I've got no tree.

Oh, that's lively.

# Good tidings we bring... #

Oh, my...!

I've got to say, it's uncomfortable,
but it smells fantastic!

Right, where's the bagging area?

There it is.

Come on.

Bottom first, bottom first.
There we go.

Here we go, the last push!

Come on, McGuinness, look at this!
Textbook work here.

Why have you got two?

Go, go, go!
I don't know if I can win, though.

BRAKES SCREECH
Oh, my God!

I've got no tree. Who's got my tree?
What am I going to put through?

Er... Oh, forget it.
I'm going through. What?

What's Lurch doing?

Look at this!
McGuinness - we've got him.

THEY LAUGH

LAUGHING: Wait a minute,
what are you doing?

What are you doing?
What are you doing?

Why have you got two trees
in your car?

Well, I just thought, you know, you
never know what you're going to get,

do you, once you get them home?
FREDDIE CHUCKLES

BELLS JINGLE

The results are in.

Chris Harris - 2 minutes, 21.5.

Nice, Chris.

P McGuinness - 2 minutes, 41.3.
Ooh!

The extra tree cost me.
That'll teach you! The extra tree.

Flintoff, in the slowest car -

2 minutes, 12.6.

No tree. No tree.
Just jumped straight through that.

I mean, unbelievable,
but a good strategy. Oh, hang on.

Oh, I didn't see this on the bottom.

"Now you've got to grips
with your warm-up trees..."

"Warm-up trees"?!
Didn't even get a tree.

"..time for the real thing..."
Right.

"..which you will deliver to the
UNESCO World Heritage Site of Bath."

Right. Bath.

"Please treat this tree with care."
What tree?

Look behind you.

DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYS

No chance! I mean, what...?

Oh, dear God.

What do you do with that?

I don't think we're going
to get that through there.

What are they thinking of?

Well, clearly they were thinking
we'd have no chance

lugging a one-tonne, 40ft tree
over 100 miles to Bath.

If you put that on the Escort,

it's just going to go
straight through it.

But Christmas is a time
for miracles,

so we hatched a plan.

First, we'd reinforce
the roofs of our cars

to support the extra weight.

Yup. How's your pole, Chris?

Yeah, my pole is good. Wonderful.

I've always wanted
to be in The A-Team.

This feels very A-Team to me.

Then, with the help of a big crane,
we'd lay the tree across the top...

Get straps on it now,
get straps on it now!

How on earth are we going to
drive this? Lovely.

..and, once we'd got it lashed down,
we were all set to give it a whirl.

ENGINES START

I do not like being stuck
in the middle of this.

I'm not in the best position here.

Give it some juice,
a bit of juice, boys.

Here we go, boys.

Paddy, I can't see anything!
Help me here!

You're doing a good job, boys.

McGuinness, what's going on?

I need you to put right hand down -
I'm going through the gate now.

Oh, hang on, hang on,
hang on, hang on.

We're doing it, boys.
We're doing it.

Are you turning?

I can't see... Right turn!
I can't see where we're going. Turn!

You're doing a good job, boys.

Right, we've got a hill coming up,
lads. McGuinness!

How far's Bath?

TREE CREAKS

Whoa, whoa, whoa.
The whole thing's coming off.

Chris, where are you going?
I can't see!

Chris, left hand down, you tool!

Are we going left through the gate,
or right?

We're going up the hill now.
Here we go.

No, no, no.

Lads.

Stop! McGuinness! Stop!

I'm not doing anything,
Fred's just pushing me.

Stop what we're doing.

We're going have to go to Plan B.

What's Plan B?

CHAINSAW ROARS TO LIFE

MUSIC: Sleigh Ride
by The Ronettes

# Just hear those
sleigh bells jingling

# Ring-tingle-tingling too... #

I've got to say, lads -
genius solution, this.

Three lots of tree
on the way to Bath.

No problem.

And do you like what I've done
to the inside of your cars?

You have been industrious in my car,
I will say that.

Very industrious.
PADDY CHUCKLES

I tell you what, Paddy,
the penguin, the tree and the house

on me dashboard's a lovely touch,

and all the lights
wrapped around me pole - lovely.

Merry Christmas.

Now, lads, and I don't want you to
spare me any of the naughty details,

but what was the Christmas dinner
in your house?

As a kid at home?

A simple one - it would have soup
to start and then have me turkey,

I liked my peas and carrots.
I loved tinned veg.

My mum, she sometimes
let us have chips,

but my dad would frown upon it.

And then, for dessert, the big one,
the big treat for dessert -

Viennetta.

It's my favourite, Paddy.
It still is.

I'll tell you what - gone a bit
rogue in your house with the chips.

I like it,
but chips on Christmas Day, Fred?

And I'm a fan of the chip.

Now, me - no starters,
no nothing like that.

Turkey, mash... Yeah.
..roast potatoes,

sprouts, carrots and turnips.

I can't handle much more of this.

Now, when it comes to trifle
on Christmas Day,

I like the ladyfingers
in the bottom - pardon my French -

strawberry jelly, custard
and the old Dream topping on top

with hundreds and thousands.

Things are just better in tins,
Paddy. They are.

Right, let's...
let's talk through what we think

Chris Harris's Christmas dinner
would be. Right, I'll start.

I think... Here we go. ..there was
definitely a pheasant on the table.

I don't think a swan's
out of the question.

You're right, you know.
Yeah, swan on the table,

a pheasant -
probably mounting the swan

in some kind of weird
pagan tradition. Yeah.

And little Christopher Harris would
be sat there in his velvet suit...

Did have... Did have a velvet suit.

..and I think, before they tuck
into the starter,

Father would come out -
sorry, Pater -

and thrash them all
with a bit of whittling...

CHRIS LAUGHS

..as a Christmas trea...
as a reminder

that other people are suffering
on Christmas Day.

And all this is predicated
on the fact

that I don't talk like Vernon Kay?

PADDY LAUGHS

Relentless Christmas roasting
from my northern colleagues aside,

our tree-laden drive to Bath
had been proving remarkably easy.

So much so, in fact, that we were
told there was plenty of time

to make a stop
for another festive test.

Only why, oh, why
did it have to be...

..at Badminton House?

DRAMATIC ORGAN CHORD

Oh, welcome home, Chris!

FREDDIE CHUCKLES

I just knew it was coming,
so I was waiting for it.

Chris, where's the sauna?

Why did I say that
about the bloody sauna?

Lovely spread, Mr Harris.

This is nice, Chris, innit?
Who's he? Yeah.

This, I believe, is our butler.

Thank you, sir.
"Our". "Our". No, no, no.

Oh-h*!

Oh! Oh, you teased me in then!
THEY LAUGH

Are you ready to go? Go on.

Go on.
SOFT CRACK

Go on, then. You give it a go.

Oh, can't resist a cr*cker.
It's a challenge. Hey, excuse me?

Excuse me? Where's the hat?

It's a cha... Hat!

Just... You can't pull a cr*cker
without getting the hat out.

Go on, get it on.

"Time for a classic Christmas game
of visual charades."

I've got a problem
with my wardrobe here.

Can you help me with my hat, please?
Pull it up. Or pull it down.

"You will take turns to drive
a course as fast as you can

"while your passengers
attempt to draw and guess

"as many clues as possible."

Drawing clues while someone guesses?

Yeah. You mean Pi-BLEEP-ary? No.

CREW: No, no, no, you can't say
Pi-BLEEP-ary, Fred.

No advertising on the BBC.

Can't be seen to do that.

We can't say...

..BLEEP-ary, but we're going
to play...

..a game?

First syllable.

Pick.

Second syllable. Chin.

Yeah! I think I get it.

Area. Yeah. Yes!

That's what we're going to play.
THEY LAUGH

Right, with the theme
of festive automotive testing

becoming increasingly tenuous,

apparently it was time to see
which of our cars was best suited

to playing one of the nation's
favourite party games.

And that meant, with our trees
removed and colleagues on board,

we'd now each take turns
driving a lap

around Badminton's
extensive parkland.

With one passenger drawing clues,
and the other guessing,

each correct answer would add five
seconds to the driver's lap time.

BELLS JINGLE

Look at this, eh? Three lads
in an XR3i. Merry Christmas!

Can we have it smooth,
then I can do some drawing?

Excuse the ride, boys.
It's going to be very bumpy!

ENGINE REVS

Three, two, one, go!

You jumped the start.
Yeah, you put me out again, you...

Wait, why are you not...?
Look what you're doing!

Chris, mate, look at the things!

Er, I can't concentrate!

No, no, no, no, no, no! Patrick!
PADDY LAUGHS

Christmas tree! Yes! Christmas tree!
DING

Er...no... Whoa! Oh, my God.

Look! What's he doing?!

Oh, tree! McGuinness! A tree!

Er, a penguin!

Er...a snowman!

DING
Yes!

What are you...?

There's trees all over the shop!
Help me out, Paddy! Paddy!

Oh, no, no, no, no!

Come on. No, no, no, what's that?

You're putting it
in front of me eyes!

BLEEP!

Chris, what's that?

Er, that's a cricket bat. Yes!
DING

PADDY LAUGHS

This is the dangerous bit.
Chris, what's that? Er...

..that's a...a rocket, a rocket!
A rocket! No!

Oh, cr*cker, Christmas cr*cker!

DING
Yes, yes!

Hold on to your knickers!
Whoa, whoa, whoa!

PADDY LAUGHS
Go!

Ohh! That's gone well.

THUMP!

Right, lads. Who's next?

I found that quite unpleasant.
The nice thing about drawing...

..you're not looking
at where you're going.

Three, two, one, go!

Get off me. You can't touch
his hand, you can only drive,

you cheating sod! Get off!

You can't touch his hand!
Oh, have you made the rules up?

House! No, no, no.

Oh, er...Christmas stocking. Yes!
DING

You catch on... Get off!

Oh, er, erm...

..face! Father Christmas!

DING
Yes! Yes, go on!

You can't touch his hand! Get off!

You can't touch, you cheating sod!

Get... Snowman! Snowman!

I'm driving! Snowman!
What're you doing?!

I've got my way now... Wheel!

Steering wheel! Yes!
DING

A house! House! Car!

Caravan! Yes! Yes!
DING

What are you doing?
I've got whiskers! Get off me!

Giving me whiskers...
get off, I'm trying to drive!

Change gear! I can't draw!
Change gear!

LAUGHTER

Draw summat, Chris, quick!
Draw summat!

Draw something!

No, come on! Get off the...

THEY YELL

Draw something! He's got my arm!
He's got my arm!

I can't hold him any longer,
he's like a bloody anaconda!

Car! House! Animal, animal!

Reindeer! Yes!
DING

Come on, Harris! Oh, I've gutted it.

Oh! Ah, we're over!

House! Car! What is it?

Get his foot off!
Get his foot off, Chris!

Chris, get his foot off!
I've finished...I'm finished.

How am I going to get that off?!

That'll be on till New Year, that!

I tell you what...
Right, a house!

THEY LAUGH

Bloomin' heck. Oh...

Two runs down - and, with no time
to find a wet wipe,

me and McGuinness piled in to sample

the Citroen's legendary smooth ride.

The strategy is, I'll drive it
sensibly, cos I back myself...

You're not going to drive sensibly!

I'll back your drawing to be of
a poor quality. You can't resist.

As if he's not going to be sideways
over there.

I take the bragging rights every
Christmas at this, my friend.

You can just watch.

Three, two, one, go!

No, you...no, no!

Your time's started, so we've...

Thank you. Get the gear...

There you are, Fred.

Fred? Star. Yes! Good lad.
DING

And off you go! No, no, no!
Get the party started.

You couldn't help -
"I'll drive it sensibly".

Get off. You cannot do that!

Oh, "I'm going to drive sensibly" -
your time's ticking here, Chris.

Right, let's get the pen back.

Let me get the pen back
and we'll drive, shall we?

Right, here we go.

Here, Fred! The world.

No! A ball!

Christmas pudding! Yes!
DING

Not bad, you're doing good! Go on.

Whoa! Get off, get off!

You'll break the car!

I can't see, move back.

What are you doing?! Get...

Go on, Paddy, get it started.
Here we go!

Ow! Oww!

What's that? What, kicking...

Chicken and egg! What's he kicking?

Football! Yes!
DING

Oh, get under this for
a little smooch, shall we?

Mistletoe! Yes!
DING

There we go! Get off the car!

Right, what's that? Car!
Right, and what make?

Beetle! VW! Audi! Yes!
DING

Hey, I'm trying to draw!

FLINTOFF SHOUTS

Car door! What colour?

Black car! Yeah, what? Black what?

Get off the car!

Black...what? Yeah!

What was it? Black taxi!

Oh, come on.

Mate, can I just say, Fred,
again, he's done it again.

"Oh, I'm just going to go around" -

take the pen off, throws it away,

starts hammering it sideways...

You can't resist, can you?

With the last round descending
into the traditional family row...

You know what the problem with
Chris is, Paddy? He's childish.

You're very childish.

..it was time for the results.

Ay-up. Thank you.

Lovely.

Great! Results are in.

Your mascara's running, mate.
Shut up.

Paddy McGuinness - that's me -

two minutes, 24 seconds
to complete the course,

but four correct answers

for Chris and Fred. That's right.

Freddie Flintoff -
one minute, 48 seconds.

How?! That's not possible!

Well, he just drove straight
through the field.

Use what you've got.

But five correct answers
for me and Chris.

Good teamwork.

Thank you.
Did they give us "reindeer"?

Yes. Good.

Chris Harris... Oh, here we go.

..two minutes, 25 seconds.

Very slow, Christopher. Slow, that.

And five correct answers
for Fred and me.

Here we go! Hey! There we are.

Which means, with a combined time
of two minutes, 13 seconds,

the winner is Freddie Flintoff
and that bloody Range Rover!

How does that Range Rover
keep doing it?!

Thank you! It's the slowest,
biggest thing here.

THEY LAUGH

I can feel a carol coming on.

Leave my car alone.
You're not welcome here again.

# We wish you a merry Christmas

# We wish you a merry Christmas

# We wish you a Merry Christmas

# And a Happy New Year

# Good tidings we bring... #

Oh, yes - the Christmas convoy
was back on the move

and brimming with festive cheer.

What about "We Three Kings"?
Do you like that one?

I do like that one. Yeah.

"We Three Kings" is a great one.

Did you used to sing the wrong
words at school, in assembly?

I remember I felt so naughty
when I did it as a kid.

# We three kings of Orient are

# One in a taxi, one in a car

# On a scooter, blowing his hooter

# Smoking a fat cigar... #

Brilliant.

Now, before long, our tree-lugging
trio was rolling into Bath.

Oh, it's getting beautiful now,
look at that.

Where, of course, our very own
Angel of the North wasted no time

bringing the good tidings.

HONKS HORN

Merry Christmas!

HONKS HORN
Merry Christmas!

HONKS HORN

Merry Christmas.

I've seen it all now, Fred.

Paddy McGuinness is driving
through Bath... Merry Christmas!

..in a white XR3i with a
large tree on the roof of it -

but he still feels the need to beep
his horn to gain attention.

HONKS HORN

Merry Christmas, sir!

But the high spirits might
have been a little premature...

HONKS HORN
Merry Christmas!

..because it was at this point
that we were told the address

we'd need to deliver our
chopped-up cargo to...

..was the magnificent
Royal Crescent.

# Hallelujah, hallelujah

# Hallelujah, hallelujah...

Ah, here we are.

# Hallelujah...
Paddy, are we trespassing here?

We're bringing Christmas
to Bath, Fred.

# Hallelujah... #

And, to do that, it was time
to roll out the last stage

of the Big Christmas Tree
Master Plan.

Keep coming. Left hand, down.

Keep coming!

Keep coming. Straight there,
straight there.

CARS THUD
Yeah, stop.

First, having lined up to the base,

the tree was ready to be
lashed back together.

My trunk is about six feet
lower than your trunk.

Er...well, let's just humour him.

Next - and this is genius -

we decorate the tree while we're
still at a height we could reach.

Ha! Get that on there.

Now, judging by the way
you're doing this, you've dressed

a tree before, haven't you,
Patrick? Yes, I have.

Look at Mr Christmas!

Although admittedly, at this point,

the master plan did start to
show a couple of cracks.

Will you...oi, oi, oi, oi!

What? Wh-Where do you want me
to put my feet?

And, as day rolled into night...

There you go, Paddy, slip it on...
There's a knot there, Chris.

Where? There!

..there was the tiny possibility

things were just
starting to unravel.

LOUD CLANG

THEY EXCLAIM

What's that?! Paddy, Paddy...

I hate to break it to you...
..it's not happening.

..there's not a chance
that's happening.

What we needed was
a proper Christmas miracle.

And, behold -
a wise man stepped forth.

Listen, we've never said how tall
this tree is going to be.

They don't know
it's in three parts.

That's a very good point.
I never doubted him!

I never doubted that
little noggin there.

Come on, let's go.

Right. Lovely stuff.

There we go.

OK, now, up. Right!

Let's get the one in.
Lift 'er up, guys.

What a moment. What a moment!
Oh, she's in, lads!

Well, look, this is an arm.
One, two, three.

Yes!
THEY CHEER

Tell you what, that's bigger
than we think, as well, that.

My contribution is electricity.

Here we go, boys, big moment.

Go on, Chris, do the honours.

Hang on, hang on, usually it's
a celebrity turning them on.

RAUCOUS LAUGHTER

Go on... Or, as I'm known,
"the other one".

Go on, mate,
this is your big moment.

Arms by your sides, please. Yeah.

Over 2,000 years ago,

a baby boy was born in a manger.

Somewhere hot.

And now, we have a tree in Bath.

Lovely speech.

Yeah!

Yes! Smashed it, boys.

ALL: # Ding dong, merrily on high...

THEY MUTTER THE LYRICS

# Ding dong, merrily on high...

MUTTERING CONTINUES

# Gloria

SINGING ECHOES

# Hosanna eggshells...
# in excelsis. #

Well done, Chris.
Let's get in the cars.

Having completed our mission
to leave the good people of Bath

bitterly disappointed...

..it was time to hurry off and
finish our drive home for Christmas.

Lads, how light does it feel
not having these trees on the roof?

Oh, it's a new car!

Yeah, but I feel a bit guilty.

We didn't manage to get
the whole of that tree up.

And that was the whole point
of the exercise.

What did you do with the other bits?

Put it this way - there's a lot
of hamsters going to get

a lot of new bedding for Christmas.

So, lads, we've had these for
two days now, you're getting

to know your presents.
What do you reckon?

Do you think you'll be keeping 'em,
or are you going to give 'em back?

I've got to say,
the 3i is an absolute treat.

You're more than welcome, Pad.

You've got to be keeping that,
haven't you, Fred? It's unstoppable.

Really enjoying this Range Rover.

I could just see myself at home,
just puttering about.

I really like it.
What about you, Chris, you keeping?

Absolutely - rare as rocking
horse poo, drives beautifully.

It's got that kind of early '80s
quirky style that I think

suits me, as well.

Do you know what, boys?

It's cold and it's fresh,
but the sun is shining.

It doesn't get better than this.

Well, actually...it might.

Because we'd finally reached
the Top Gear test track.

Lads, we have officially
drove home for Christmas.

Lap Land?

And it turned out
we were just in time...

..for the office Christmas party.

Oh, hello! Off we go, there!

Oh-h*, look at this, boys.

Yes, for one special day...

..our track had been turned
into a playground for a whole

selection box of truly
remarkable cars.

Check these out
in your mirrors, boys.

THEY CHUCKLE

Oh, 911 Targa - I love those.

Little Atom.

Look at that NSX, that's beautiful.

What's this little thing
coming up here on me right, Chris?

Kubelwagen.

This is my kind of Christmas.

And better still, the festivities
were kicking off

with some proper live entertainment.

Because rolling up for
an impromptu drag race

just so happened to be

three of the very fastest
cars in motorsports.

Representing Formula E

would be the all-electric futuristic
racer from Team DS.

Representing WRC would be
Ford's Fiesta World Rally Car.

And representing Formula 1
would be a car from the stable

of this century's most successful
team, Mercedes AMG.

Look who's there!

Merry Christmas to Stig.

How'd he get in there?
I was going to say, Stig!

Hey, that's his little
Christmas present.

This is like who wins -
a lion, a crocodile or a bear?

Is it in water?

Doesn't matter, does it? A lion goes
in water, so does a bear.

Here we go, here we go!

3, 2, 1, go!

ENGINES ROAR

Oh, here comes the F1 car.

So, to confirm, F1 car,
then WRC car, then electric.

Wow. Some Christmas
this though, innit?

Watching a mad old drag race.

It's all well and good, all this,
but it's our Christmas as well.

Should we have a little go in
summat? I don't fit in F1 cars.

No, I know. But there'll be summat,
there's loads of stuff.

That's only reason they wouldn't put
you in it? You're too big?

Been eyeing me up. Saying,
"If only you were 5'10".

Let's find something.

Oh, yes. It was time for our
own quarter-mile battle.

And after a good rummage
through all the amazing cars

that have flocked to join us,

we'd each picked out
a little Christmas treat.

Look at this, an old-school
chopped and dropped American sled.

I've always wanted
to drive one of these.

I've got no idea how fast
it'll be, but it doesn't matter.

Just look at it.

Lancia Delta Integrale. These things
won six World Championships

on the bounce in the '90s.

This one is the real car driven by
Didier Auriol, one of my heroes.

I'm pretty happy.

Looking nice there, Chris.
You like that, don't you?

Where's the other one?

Just getting acquainted with one
of the greatest TV cars of all time.

MUSIC: Knight Rider theme

He's Michael Knight!

Ha-ha!

I am living the dream, boys.
Living the dream!

That looks fantastic.

This is like all me
Christmases come at once, this.

Love it! I tell you what, lads,
this is a toy car showdown.

Remember Christmas morning?

These were the cars you raced
across your kitchen floor.

Look at this thing.

This is the one request the Top Gear
viewers always want to find out.

What's the fastest - a Lancia rally
car, KITT from Knight Rider

or a really old hot-rod?

I'm not sure I'm even going
to feature in this one.

I'm just going to enjoy
the drive in the sun, boys.

KITT: Excuse me, but just what do
you think you're doing?

I can't believe I'm driving KITT.

I'm Michael Knight.
I'm Michael Knight.

"Hello, Michael Knight."

Here we go. I've got no chance.
Listen to Harris's car.

I can't hear a thing!

You ready, lads?

In three, two...

..one, go!

I think we might be away, here!

Oh-h*-h*! Look at the Lancia go!

Come on, get Knight Rider,
catch Knight Rider!

Oh, that hot-rod's
nowhere to be seen!

My foot's on the floor.
Not going particularly fast.

But who cares?

Winner, winner, chicken dinner!

Woo-woo-woo!

KITT: I do have my limits.

Woohoo!

I had Harris off the line, though.

I can't even see Flintoff
in that old extra from Grease.

Merry Christmas!

What a machine!

KITT: Glad you're not with me,
Michael. What's that, KITT?

HORN SOUNDS

Bit of a mis-race,
that one, wasn't it?

I want one of these!
I want one of these!

That was tasty. Christmas morning,
you know sometimes

in your stocking, you get
a present that's so good

you don't need any other presents?
Yeah. I've already got there.

You have to have big feet
to get that in your stocking.

Oh, thank you.

Whoa! Whoa!

What's this, then?
What is it, musical crackers?

Have to put the hat on. Yeah.

Time to race for the honour

of switching on the Top Gear
Christmas lights.

You and your Christmas presents
will now compete in a sleigh race.

Ooh. Oh. Ooh.

So, the final test of our
Christmas cars,

inspired by the fastest
driver in the world.

You see, according to science,

to deliver his presents to all
the good little children

every Christmas Eve,
Santa Claus hits speeds in excess

of five million miles per hour.

So to see which of our cars would
get closest to his gold standard,

we would now suit up to tow our own
fully-laden sleighs

in a race.

Here we go.

Look how lovely this is!

Right, so we've got to get round.

Every present that comes out,
five-second penalty. Right.

Straight race? Simple as peas,
really. How many laps?

One lap. I'll tell you something,
though, firstly.... Stop.

Who chose the grid positions?

Well, because I'm next to him,
which is a disaster,

he'll drive straight into me.
He's going to drive into you.

I've got to do something.
Hey, props for that.

That's, that's a tricky
thing to wrap.

I reckon it's a football.

Let's get in the cars.

Three, two...

Let's do this.
..one...

..go!

Oh, we're off. A poor start.

Merry Christmas!

But all the presents have gone!

I'll squeeze it.
Come on, then!

Oh!

Corner.

Oh, this is lively!

Oh, look at the slide on that!

Have we got any presents
in the back?

This is going to be tricky.
Nibble that.

Get in! Get in!

Right, McGuinness.

Oh, God. Oh!

I'm at the back, I'm at the back.
I can't keep up!

Oh, forget this, I'm going off-road,

I'm going to use what I've got.

Here we go.

That'll do. That'll do nicely.

Oh, what's he doing?

What's Flintoff doing?

Cheeky... Ha-ha!

Who's off up on the grass?

That's my last present gone.

Let's get back home.

Thank you kindly.

And here we go!

Well, I'm chasing, I've got speed,
and I've got speed on my side.

Whoa.

We've got to catch him,
we've got to catch him!

Come on!

Come on! I need more!

Come on!

Ahh!

Where's Harris?

Harris has caught us, no!

Can I catch him in time?

Steady, get round, get round...

Whoa!

No, Chris Harris, no chance!

Come on!

Oh, no, no, no, no!

Yes, yes, yes!

Ohh-h*-h*-h*!

Cheat! Get in!

HE LAUGHS
Oh, no!

Why are you smiling?

Cos I've won again -
in the Range Rover.

What do you think you've won?
Can't stop winning!

What? You didn't do half the course.

Yeah, but you're a bit quicker,
I've got an off-roader -

why wouldn't I use it?
You know what?

I think he's got a point. Normally,
Andrew, I'd argue the toss.

But it's Christmas.
Using your noggin.

God, you've got presents
in there, as well!

I'm telling you, Chris,
don't worry about me.

Turning on the Christmas lights.

Merry Christmas!

Fair enough.

Our final test was over.

And, apart from confirming
that Santa's job was still safe,

we also had to conclude that,
out of our three gifts,

it was Flintoff's Range Rover

that had proven the ultimate
car for Christmas.

Now, yes, as accolades go,

that does sound like
a bit of a silly one.

After all,
Christmas isn't about cars.

It's about coming together.

About spending time with the people
that are most important to you.

Let's face it, the past couple
of years has shown us all

just how important that is.

Merry Christmas!
HONKS HORN

So, if, this year,
you're able to travel,

to see those friends and
family you've missed...

..and if that silly little metal
box on wheels is the thing

that gets you there...

Well, maybe that's not
so silly after all.

APPLAUSE

CHEERING

Welcome to the Top Gear
Christmas Lights Turn-on!

APPLAUSE

Are you ready?!

CROWD: Yeah!

Oh. Oh, oh...

Fred?

Do the honours.

You're going to get in, as well,
aren't you? Can't do it on me own.

Come on, Chris.
Come on, Pad. Hands on.

Three, two, one!

ALL: Go!

CHEERING

MUSIC: Merry Christmas Everyone
by Shakin' Stevens

It's Shakey'!
CHEERING

# Snow is falling

# All around me

# Children playing, having fun

# It's the season... #

PADDY: We are not worthy!

# Love and understanding

# Merry Christmas, everyone

# Time for parties and celebrations

# People dancing all night long

# Time for presents
and exchanging kisses

# Merry Christmas, everyone

# Merry Christmas, everyone

# Ooh, Merry Christmas, everyone

CHEERING

# Snow is falling snow
Snow is falling

# All around me
All around me

# Children playing, having fun
Children playing, having fun

# It's the season

# Love and understanding

# Merry Christmas, everyone

# Ooh, Merry Christmas, everyone

# Ooh-ooh-ooh

# Ooh-ooh-ooh. #