- [Sam] Tonight, on a Hollywood
bus tour, it's Jess McKenna.
[upbeat jazzy music]
- Oh! It's Danza's house!
Please, stop! We need more time at Danza!
- [Sam] Thinking backstage is onstage
and onstage is backstage,
it's Ben Schwartz.
- But it was my sister the whole time.
Good to see you. Have a great night.
f*ck me.
Christ almighty, woof.
And I can take a sh*t in here or anywhere?
- [Sam] And wondering if
we're on hugging terms,
it's Ryan Gaul.
[upbeat jazzy music]
[crowd applauding]
- I'll catch you later, man.
[Jess laughs]
- [Sam] They're all here to.
- [Players] Make some noise!
[upbeat jazzy music]
- Welcome to "Make Some Noise,"
the game so good, we
spun it off unchanged.
I am your host, Sam Reich,
and here's how the show works.
I have here a series of
improvisational prompts
our players have never seen before.
Isn't that right, players?
- Never before.
Never before.
- Yeah, this is very exciting.
We don't know what's gonna happen.
- It's terrifying.
- They will, to the best
of their ability, fulfill those prompts.
I will award them corresponding points,
and the winner will go home
with the coveted Golden Ear.
- Ooh.
- Which, if you hold up to your own ear,
does create a horrible feedback sound.
Players, are you ready to rumble?
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
- [Jess] Oh, yeah.
- First, a little warmup mini game,
something to whet the palate.
This is a little game
that we like to call Take Some Direction.
How it works is, players,
I'm gonna give you a line of dialogue
to repeat over and over and over again.
As I do, I will give you direction,
micro adjustments, if you will,
in order to affect your performances.
Does that make sense?
- Oh, like a director would.
- Jess, we will start out with you.
No direction to start out with.
- Okay, great.
- Your line is, "Where we're
going, we don't need roads."
- Oh.
- Where we're going, we don't need roads.
- [Sam] Ben, gimme a little bit more.
- Where we're going, we don't need roads.
- [Sam] Ryan, gimme a little bit more.
[loudly]
- Where we're going,
we don't need roads.
- Jess, reading back stenography.
- Where we're going, we don't need roads.
- [Sam] Ben, something is thrown at you
in the middle of the line.
- Where we're going, we don't-
We don't need 'em. Do you
want me to start from the top?
Did we even get that? Does that work?
- Ryan, all the vowels are oo.
- Woo.
[everyone laughing]
- Take your time.
- Woo woo goo-ing,
woo doon't
nood woods.
[Jess and crew laughing]
- Good.
- Jess, the line that
launches the musical number.
- Where we're going.
♪ We don't need roads ♪
[Sam laughs]
- Ben, a dad selling you on
camping during a rainstorm.
- Where we're going,
[Sam and crew laugh]
we don't, we don't need,
we don't need roads.
[Sam and Jess laugh]
We don't need roads.
- Ryan, as a Maine lobster fisherman.
[Ryan groans]
- Where we're going,
[group laughing]
we don't need g*dd*mn roads.
- [Sam] Jess, as a human pretzel.
- Go, and.
Oh, I don't know about these pants.
- Oh, Jesus Christ.
- [Ryan] Oh, no.
- Where we're going,
[Ryan laughs]
we don't need roads!
[Sam laughs and crew cheers]
- Ben, as Laura Dern
getting out of the car
in "Jurassic Park."
- Can I?
- Yeah.
[crew member laughing]
[crew laughing]
- Where we're going, we don't need roads.
♪ Na na na, na, na ♪
♪ Na na na, na, na ♪
- And last one, Ryan.
A dog trying to communicate
this to its owners.
[Ryan grunting in a dog-like manner]
[group laughs]
[Ryan whimpering]
[Jess laughs]
[Ryan grunting]
[everyone laughing]
[upbeat jazzy music]
That brings us to round one?
Jess.
- Sam.
- That weird cellmate in the corner
also joins the "Cell Block Tango."
- Okay.
Candace!
Wire fraud!
[Sam giggling]
Candace!
Wire fraud.
[Sam laughing]
Candace!
Wire fraud.
♪ They had it coming ♪
♪ They had it coming ♪
♪ They only had themselves to ♪
Wire fraud!
[Sam laughs]
[buzzer buzzes]
All the other ones, they
all k*lled their husbands.
- Oh, of course.
I'm glad you did that pretzel before.
You were limber for that whole thing.
- Yeah, let's say 10 points
fashioned from a toothbrush for you.
- Oh, thank you.
- [Ben] Wow.
- Which brings us to Ben.
- Hi, Sammy.
- A bit of good news becomes bad news
becomes good news becomes bad news.
- First of all, I want
to say that, last night,
I asked Jess to marry me,
and she so appropriately, quickly,
said absolutely not.
- Not.
- I'm so sorry.
- But just like my dad taught me, dad,
I thought, don't give up.
- Give up.
- [Both] Don't ever give up.
- I went to her, I said,
"Jess, what am I doing wrong?"
She, of course, gave me
a very long list.
- Very long list.
- I then said, I will
work on those things.
You mean the world to me.
I will change my entire life.
She started crying, and then she said.
- I was cutting onions.
- She was cutting onions.
The tears weren't for me.
And now, dad, I need to live with you.
[Sam laughs]
- You're always welcome
with your mother and I.
- Thank you. Thank you for the ride.
- Yeah.
[Sam laughs]
- Take care.
[buzzer buzzes]
- That's how the game is played!
- Is that it?
- That's it!
- Okay. Okay.
- 10 points.
- Great.
- Minus 30.
- So negative 20.
- Plus 45.
- Oh my God.
- Minus 100.
- Oh, okay.
[Ryan laughs]
- Ryan.
- Hey, Sammy, my man.
- Ugh.
[crew laughs]
And we can take that from the top?
- Uh [coughs], Ryan.
- Gimme that old Sam-wich.
- That's pretty good.
- It's actually pretty good.
- Five sips of water, each
a little more refreshing
than the last.
- Oh, that's great, Sam.
[laughs] That's really funny.
[Sam and crew laugh]
- Hmm.
[group laughing]
Holy sh*t.
[group laughs]
[Ryan sighs]
- Wow, that's two.
[Jess giggles]
- Oh my god.
[group laughs]
[Ryan vocalizing]
Woo!
- How does he have two more levels?
- I can't believe it.
- You're already out of
the building with three.
- [gasps] Woo!
What I needed!
[group laughing]
- Absolutely not one more!
- How was that
not the last one?
- There couldn't possibly
be one more.
- Oh! Oh!
- What? What?
- Whoa!
[Sam laughing]
- [Sam] What?
[Ryan screams and sobs]
- God take me now!
[buzzer buzzing]
[Jess laughs]
- [Sam] Yeah, that'll do it, Ryan.
- Oh my gosh.
- Ryan, let's say a tall,
cool glass of points to you.
- Whoa.
- Which brings us all
the way back to Jess.
- Sam.
- True story, we sat on
this prompt all season,
because we went, we don't
know anyone smart enough
to do this.
- Uh-oh.
- A future Wirecutter writer
talks about the top three rocks
they found on the playground.
- Oh, yeah. Got you.
- [laughs] Of course you do.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.
- What's a Wirecutter, for me?
- Wirecutter is the New
York Times product section-
- Review.
- That reviews products.
- Wow, okay.
- So when we were deciding
what makes the best rock,
we looked for a few things overall.
First, texture.
How does it feel in your hand?
Us at Wirecutter, we
prefer a smooth texture,
'cause it's something you
can keep in your pocket
and sort of thumb around all day,
especially during silent
sustained reading.
Two, ubiquity.
How common are these rocks?
Do you have to seek it out,
or is this a rock that you could find
at any sort of dried out water reserve?
And finally, overall value.
Does this rock also
operate as a paperweight?
Could you skip it
if the water was somehow
back in that reserve?
And how noticeable is it
that you'll be playing
with it during class?
So, because of all those reasons,
we've decided that the best rock for you
is this sort of like smooth,
we think it's granite.
It's got one sharp edge that we like
to really do our thumb when
Mrs. Rowe's talking too long,
but it's not too sharp
to give you any scrapes,
and it won't make too big a noise
if you drop it in your desk.
Coming in second place
was tiny white pebble.
We think that this might actually just be
from our plants at home.
And in the third spot,
really big dirt clod.
It falls apart.
[Sam laughs]
[buzzer buzzing]
- The top points of 2024 for you.
- Yeah, yeah, definitely.
- Wow.
- Ben.
- Sammy.
- A basketball player's far
too elaborate free throw.
- Sam, these are great.
[Jess laughs]
[Ryan laughs]
- You suck.
- Come on, man.
- No, seriously, you suck.
- [Ben] Stop it, dude.
Come on.
[crew laughing]
[Ben sharply exhales]
- You got this, Benny.
You got this.
- Thank you, mama.
- You suck.
- Thank you, dad.
[Sam and Jess laughing]
[crew laughing]
- You got this, Benny!
- Thank you, mama!
- You suck, man.
- Dad!
[Sam and crew laughing]
- [laughs] Oh, he's taunting it.
[Sam laughs]
- A bird!
[Sam laughs]
- Swish!
You got this, Benny.
- Thank you, mama!
- It was lucky! Lucky, lucky!
[buzzer buzzes]
[crew applaud and cheer]
- '97 Bulls amount of points for you, Ben.
- Whoa.
- Get me in the red, baby.
- Not quite tipping into the positive yet.
Last prompt of round one, Ryan.
- God Sam it, give the prompt.
- Oh, that's good.
- That's good.
- That's not bad.
- That's really good.
- Better than not bad.
- [Sam] Yeah, for sure.
Agent Smoulder in The XXX-Files.
- Really bringing your A-game today, Sam.
- Something happened here.
Wow.
Excuse me, can you tell me
exactly what landed through your roof?
- Well, I don't know exactly what-
- Hey, shh.
[Sam and Jess chuckle]
[crew laughs]
You look tense.
- Yeah, there's an alien that came in.
- There's an alien?
- Yeah, there's an alien.
- Okay, well.
[Sam laughs]
Tell me about the alien. Was it big?
Was it thick?
- It was both of those things.
It was pretty beefed up alien, yeah.
- Was it longer than it was tall?
- Seems like those are the same thing
you're asking me to say.
- Does it?
- Yeah, long.
- Well, we live
in a weird world.
[Jess laughs]
Listen, can I make you a drink?
- Sure. You're in my house.
- All right, well, lemme go get you one.
- Sir, will you be putting on pants?
[Sam laughing]
[buzzer buzzing]
[crew applauds]
- A XXX amount of points for you,
which I believe is 30 in Roman numerals.
- Oh, yeah.
[bright music]
- That brings us to our second mini game.
This is a little mini
game that we like to call
Make a Hook.
How it works is, players, I
am gonna give you a couple
of lines of rap to feed into a hook.
- Oh, I like that.
- The kind that you
would hear in a rap song.
- Are you nervous?
- I blacked out a little bit.
- Yeah.
This feels like something
Ryan would get nervous about.
- The good news, Ryan, is
that there is heavy auto tune
applied to this microphone.
- Oh, very fun.
- Nerves disappeared.
- Now, the three of you are only each
gonna get one go at this.
The rap is gonna be about
something I specify in advance.
- Do you rap it?
- I'm gonna rap
into your hook.
- Yeah!
- [Sam] That's right.
- I'd love to start.
[Sam and Jess laugh]
- Ryan, let's get you up here.
- Yeah.
- [Sam] Let's do it.
- Is it auto tuned?
I just feel like a chipmunk.
- This song is called LA Pizza.
- Okay.
- Oh, wow.
- Okay, and music.
[mellow hip-hop music]
♪ Soft and weird, and
covered in toppings ♪
♪ This burrata looks like bird droppings ♪
♪ Not as good as New York ♪
♪ Not as good as New York ♪
♪ Not as good as New York ♪
♪ Take me to the Big Apple ♪
[Sam laughs and crew cheers]
- That's it! That's it!
- [Jess] Wow.
- All right.
- Really good.
- Incredible, Ryan.
- [Ben] I think it's gonna live.
- Yeah, that's gonna
play, mostly on one coast,
but it's really gonna play.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.
- I should go second, 'cause
she's amazing at this.
- Oh.
- [Sam] Okay, excellent.
Ben, this is gonna be called A Little Nap.
- Great, I love this song.
I wonder if you have a different beat.
I'm so excited.
- We don't.
[everyone laughs]
And, music.
[mellow hip-hop music]
♪ Middle of the day and
my dreams are cursed ♪
♪ Went to sleep tired, woke up worse ♪
♪ I got big dreams ♪
♪ But not a lot of time ♪
♪ I wanna sleep well ♪
♪ I'm gonna make this tiny nap mine ♪
♪ A big nap, small nap,
little nap, no time ♪
♪ Everybody's sleeping,
get off my, my, my ba*ls ♪
♪ Tiny nap ♪
♪ Mm, that's a wrap ♪
- [laughs] Yes. Yes, Ben.
- Sure.
- [Sam] Yes.
Jess.
♪ Sam ♪
- This is called Student Rush,
like student rush tickets.
- Oh, great.
Whew, I was thinking
Greek life for a second.
- And, music.
[mellow hip-hop music]
♪ 48 hours and my clothes are stinkin' ♪
♪ Just to get a glimpse
of Mandy Patinkin ♪
♪ Oh, T-K-T-S ♪
♪ T-K-T-S, yes, yes ♪
♪ Oh, T-K-T-S ♪
♪ T-K-T-S, yes, yes ♪
♪ Look at me, I'm finishing the hat ♪
♪ I got to see Mandy like that ♪
♪ 'Cause T-K-T-S ♪
♪ Yes, yes, yes ♪
♪ And that's a wrap ♪
- Yeah.
[Ryan laughs and crew cheers]
- I was hoping.
- Yeah.
- So glad I went first.
[Sam laughs]
[cheerful jazzy music]
- That brings us to round two,
where our players will
now test their talents
in teams of two.
- Whoa.
- Hmm.
- Jess.
- Sam.
- And Ben.
- Sammy.
- An aide correcting the mayor-elect
during their victory speech.
[Jess chuckles]
- I am so deeply honored
that the city would trust
me with its leadership,
and I know that together,
we're gonna build a better Sun Diego.
and-
- San Diego.
[Sam and crew laugh]
- No, that can't be right.
You're gonna make me sound
like an idiot.
- San Diego.
- I know that together,
we're gonna build a better Sandiago.
Is that right?
We'll be the crown jewel of the southern-
- Talk about how the people sell things.
- Sell things? Sell things?
[Sam laughs]
- Yeah, talk about how people sell things.
- And San Diego, great at selling things.
[Sam laughs]
All kinds of things.
We sell hopes, dreams, surf lessons, uh-
- Say something nice about the opponent.
- The thing about my opponent is,
at the end of the day,
we're both Sandiagans.
- You blew it.
[Sam laughs]
Finishing up with a big ending.
- And now, to close my speech-
- Talking about your family.
- I wanna thank my family.
My husband Gerald, our twin girls,
Chrysanthemum and Banswada,
[crew laughing]
who, I'm sorry, did tragically
die recently on a vacation.
- Push through it.
- Sandiago!
[Sam laughs]
[buzzer buzzing]
- A four more years amount of
points for the both of you.
- Whoa.
- Whoa, huge for me.
- Tipping Ben into the positive
for the first time this whole game.
- Wow, you did it.
- Whoa.
- You did it, buddy.
- Okay, we'll see.
- Ben.
- Yeah.
- And Ryan.
- Sure.
- Two dads trying to out-proud
each other at graduation.
- Oh my God. You see him?
- Yeah.
- That's my kid over there.
Do you see the kid over there?
- The short one?
- No. Well, we don't.
I mean, like, yes, he's short.
- I only go off mine.
- Which one is yours?
- The tall one, he hit puberty early.
- Oh, the serial k*ller
looking one? The "Dexter" one?
- No, no, no.
Well, he is handsome.
- A little, yeah, I guess.
- Hey, uh-
- c*m laude.
Did you ask me what my kid graduated?
c*m laude.
- I might've earlier.
- Yeah, c*m laude.
He almost hit the 4.0.
It was crazy, yeah.
- For real?
- That's amazing.
- Yale.
He's going to Yale.
- That kid's going to Yale?
The one that's eating
donuts the wrong way?
He's eating donuts hole first.
He's trying to eat the hole of the donut.
- Yeah.
- That kid's going to Yale?
- He invented a diet. It's gone crazy.
It's this diet where you
only eat the empty hole
and you lose a bunch of weight.
Everybody's buying it.
He's made like a ton
of money on this.
- Is Yale an undergrad school?
My kid just went straight to grad school.
- He already went?
- He graduated both high
school and grad school
at the same exact time there.
And your kid over there is smashing?
What's happening over there?
- A smash hit.
- Sure.
- Is that what you're saying?
- No, I just don't understand
what your kid-
- He went to Broadway.
He had a show.
- That's so funny,
and you know my kid is Lin Manuel?
- Oh, sh*t!
[crew laughing]
- That's Lin Manuel Miranda.
- Oh my god.
- "Moana."
- Weird, he probably knows
my kid, Leonardo DiCaprio.
[buzzer buzzing]
- Your kid is, that's
"Beaches," Leonardo DiCaprio?
- Wow.
- I loved you saying donuts the wrong way,
and then climb out of that hole somehow.
- Yeah, I said the sentence
and had to figure out what it meant.
- Yeah, 4.0 points to you both.
- Oh, thanks.
- Ryan.
- Let's do it, Samantha.
- You want one more stab at that?
- No.
- And Jess.
- Sam.
- A kid's birthday party
clown gets heckled.
[Ben chuckling]
- All right, so this is the birthday boy.
Very excited to be here on
your special day, Jimmy.
[Jess mimics clown nose honking]
What would you like me to make
out of the balloon animal?
I can make anything
as long as it's a sword or a hat. [laughs]
- Maybe make an amusing afternoon.
[Sam and crew laughs]
- Okay, Jimmy, a hat it is.
Whoa, uh-oh, Buttons, oh, be careful.
- Hey, did you ever have a dream
that you'd be something real in life?
[Sam and crew laughs]
- Uh, being a clown is real, Jimmy.
Here you go.
Happy birthday. A crown.
- I saw you pull up in a Corolla.
- Yes I did, Jimmy!
Corolla's a sensible car.
Oh, Jimmy, did you make a birthday wish?
- Yeah, I wished you'd go home early.
- It's not this handkerchief
from behind your ear?
- That's like early '80s Copperfield sh*t.
[Sam laughs]
- All right, that might
be it for Buttons today.
- Everybody. Go home!
- [Ben and Ryan in unison]
Go home! Go home! Go home!
- And I did go home,
[Sam laughs]
and then to a clown school in France.
[buzzer buzzes]
[everyone laughing]
Yeah, to connect with the
true meaning, I went to Lecoq.
Jimmy, you set me on a path.
- Thank you, Jimmy.
- Thank you, Jimmy.
- Let's say this many points.
- Right.
- [Sam] To both of you,
which brings us back
one final time to Jess.
- Sam.
- And Ben.
- Sammy.
- A bedridden British
orphan's dying wish is
for you to read their screenplay.
- Thank you so much for
coming to visit me. [coughs]
I know that this might seem small to you,
a man who works in
Hollywood, city of dreams,
but could I tell you a story?
- Of course, yeah, of course.
[Sam laughs]
- We open on an image.
Lens rack focus to
something in the background.
Is it?
Well, [coughs].
- Yeah?
- Actually, it's all there.
[Sam laughs]
- Gareth, you want me
to read your screenplay?
- Yes, would you be so kind as to take it
and give me, you know, light notes.
- You don't have much
time left. You're dying.
Are you sure you don't want
us talk to your family, or?
- No, no, what I will
leave behind will be this.
I think it's sort of Kaufman-esque.
- Okay.
[Sam laughs]
We go down into the ship.
We have that rack focus there.
I'll just skip, like-
- Will you make it for me?
- I've read one-
- Promise.
- I've literally read one word.
- Promise you'll make it for me.
- Well, let me read it.
- Promise that when I win
an Oscar after my death,
in the speech, you'll say,
'Gareth died as he lived,
telling the truth.'
- Okay, let's just.
There's a little boy.
- Yeah.
- Gareth is there.
- Uh-huh.
- He says his catchphrase.
♪ Ba-da ba ba ba ♪
- [Ben] Right.
[Sam and crew laughing]
- I think it's probably 25 to 40 million
depending on the star you attach.
- Wow, you really know a
lot about the business.
- Needs an EP credit.
You might need a couple different studios.
- Let me just read some of it.
Let me just read some of it.
- [Jess] Yeah, yeah.
You can skip to any part.
- I feel like you gotta get
to the meat as opposed to whatever.
Okay, here it is. Gareth.
- I kinda broke the structure.
- Gareth sees a woman
that he loves.
- Yeah, mm-hmm, yeah.
- Those are some sloppy natties.
- [laughs] Yeah.
[Sam laughs]
- Yeah.
- Sloppy natties, Gareth?
- Yeah, she's got great sloppy natties.
[Sam and Ryan laughing]
Please, and when I die-
- Wait, sorry, Gareth.
- When I die, take someone
with sloppy natties as my date.
- Gareth, Gareth.
- Yes.
- He looks at her.
- Yes.
- She looks back.
- Uh-huh.
- She doesn't know. He knows.
Damn those.
- Sloppy natties, ba-da ba ba ba.
[Sam laughs]
- Gareth, it seems like you're very young
and you may be obsessed with some things
that I don't think this
will really translate.
- Please.
- Is there anything else?
Give me another page to go to.
Does something else happen?
- Go to the final image.
- The final image?
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.
- And there he was.
- There he was.
- Gareth, finally.
- Finally.
- Growing up beyond his years.
- That's right.
- Knowing what he had to do.
It wasn't about women.
- No.
- It wasn't about love.
- No.
- It's about creativity.
- Right?
- It's about what we bring to the table.
- Now you've got it.
- Psych, it's about those sloppy natties?
[Sam and crew laugh]
[buzzer buzzing]
Gareth, I can't.
I can't. I can't.
I literally can't.
- Just another scene
with the canonically horny Jess McKenna.
- That's right.
- Incredible.
A oy mista, 15 points for your trouble
amount of points for you.
- Oh, wow.
- Which brings us back to Ben and Ryan.
- Holy sh*t.
- Oh my god.
- Mario thinks Luigi should
maybe find his own look.
- Hey, man, you ready
to go down this pipe?
[Sam laughs]
- Yeah, I'm ready.
- Wait a second.
- What?
- Luigi.
- What?
- You're just wearing
my thing but in green.
- I can't wait to have
a great day with you.
- No, that's fine, but
maybe go do your own thing.
- Why? I like hanging out with you.
Look at us.
- No, stop it, stop it.
Stop it, stop it, stop it, stop it.
What are your likes and dislikes?
This is me. I'm red.
- I like a pizza.
I like a spaghetti.
- It's very stereotypical.
[Sam cackles]
- That's what you like, right?
- No!
I like art. I like a people.
- We are totally-
- Just because I sound
like this doesn't mean
that I don't have things that go beyond
what you stereotypically see.
- No!
You are red, I'm green!
- Do something with your hat.
- Wait, switch hats.
- No, you can't be Mario.
- Oh!
- No, no, no, no, no.
[Ryan mimics video game beeping]
Where did you go?
- I was in a pipe.
- Okay. Listen to me.
What makes Luigi Luigi, huh?
- Hmm.
- What is inside of you here?
- I love a long bath.
[Sam and crew laugh]
- Keep going.
- I can go to the bath
and eat all of my calzone, and-
- Sorry? Sorry.
- Huh?
- You go to your bath
to eat calzone?
- Just like you taught me, Mario.
- Okay, no, Luigi.
- No.
- No, Luigi.
Oh my God, he got out of the scene.
Where were you?
- Hey, I was in the pipe!
- Okay, get outta here.
[Sam laughing]
[buzzer buzzing]
- I believe that's what
we call avoidant behavior.
Let's say four 1-Ups to you both.
- Whoa.
- Which brings us to the
final prompt of round two.
Ryan and Jess.
- Sam.
- Neither of these people
will watch the shows
they're recommending to each other.
- Have you seen Whale Wars?
- Whale Wars?
- Yeah, it's a docuseries.
It's kind of like promoting whale health.
- Oh.
- [Ryan] And they go out
and try to save whales.
Whale culture is pretty huge
around the world, so.
- [Jess] Oh, cool.
Have you watched that eight-part
series on Foley artists?
[Sam laughs]
Yeah, like the Sound on Sound?
It's on Criterion right now,
but you can get it other places I think.
- Oh, yeah, no I haven't seen that.
- Each episode's an
hour and 45 minutes long
and focuses in on one
sound a Foley artist makes.
- [Ryan] Oh, that's awesome, man.
- [Jess] Yeah, I think you'd-
- Oh!
- What you got? What you got?
- Have you watched
that new sitcom, Where's My Milk?
- Oh, Where's My Milk, is
that, yeah, it's a multi-cam?
- No, it's a ultra multi-cam,
I guess is what they call it.
- Oh, an ultra multi.
- Yeah, they way overcover it.
I think they use like 15, 20 cameras
on this thing.
- Oh, nice.
- Yeah, and apparently, it's
just about a couple of guys
who live on a milk farm.
- That reminds me, have
I ever told you to watch,
it's from 1984, it only
lasted five episodes,
it's Norwegian-
- Yeah?
- And it follows, like,
this family who are trying
to decide, like, what to
do with the longest night,
and every episode is like several hours
of the longest night.
- Oh, no. I'm into that.
- [Jess] Yeah, yeah.
- You loved it?
- Loved it.
- You loved it?
- Very hard to find, but loved it.
- Have you watched Shitters Island?
- Shitters Island? Is that a reality show?
- Yeah, everybody-
- Oh.
Yes, yes, I saw the trailer-
- You heard of it?
- For this, where you go into a bathroom
and you have to, pheromones-
- Hold it
as long as you can.
- As you can, yeah.
- Yeah, no, no, like, one
guy went way too long.
- Now, I heard that the Australian version
of that is better.
- Shitters Island.
- Say it again?
- sh*t. Shitters.
Shitters.
- sh*t. sh*t.
- [Both] Shitters.
[Sam laughs] [buzzer buzzes]
- [Ryan] Yeah.
- The longest night is absolutely
something I would watch.
- Absolutely.
- A hundred percent.
- A hundred percent.
- I would also watch Shitters Island.
- You know what? We all
have our guilty pleasures.
Let's say 46 points sitting in the queue
for the both of you.
- Wow.
- I believe that puts me way in the lead.
[group laughs]
[bright music]
- That brings us to our
third and final mini game.
This is a little mini
game that we like to call
Who Are You Supposed to Be?
How it works is, players, when I say go,
you're gonna race over to this
collection of costume pieces,
put on whatever you want,
race back to your podium,
buzz in and pitch me who
you're supposed to be
in the style of a child on Halloween.
- No need to say trick and/or treat.
- Correct. Correct.
- But if we did, do we get extra?
[bell dings]
[Sam laughs]
- [Sam] And away you go.
[upbeat music]
[Sam laughs]
[bell dings]
Ben.
- Nobody can figure out who
is haunting this theater.
[Sam laughs]
[bell ding]
- Jess.
- You've heard of a booze cruise,
but what about a train insane?
[Sam and Ben laugh]
[upbeat music]
Choo-choose your booze-booze.
[Sam laughs]
[buzzer buzzing]
[bell dings]
- Ryan.
- Hi, this is Dustin Hancock,
reporting live from the
mayor's race here in Sandiago.
[Sam laughs]
Excuse me, San-Dieger.
[buzzer buzzing]
[Sam laughs]
[bell dings]
- Ben.
- There she was,
wind flying through her hair,
a pair of sloppy natties.
[all laughing]
I want to thank Gareth,
because without him,
without his script, I never
would have won this Oscar.
Thank you Gareth.
[buzzer buzzing]
I am Leonard DiCaprio.
I hope I've made my dad proud.
[Sam laughing]
That's a lotta callback.
- Two callbacks in one.
[bell dings]
- Jess.
- It's just that, um, sometimes even
at the f*cking end of the day,
I'm still hearing yes, chef in my head.
[Sam laughs]
Even when we're closed, 'yes, chef.'
Even when we go, 'yes, chef.'
Even when I'm taking a
shitter, 'yes, chef.'
[buzzer buzzing]
- Jess, foreshadowing my future prompt.
- Are you serious?
- Yeah.
- Uh-oh, chef.
[Sam laughs]
[bell dings]
- And Ben.
- Okay, I don't understand.
So I'm pressing to the
right and everything,
but everything I do, Luigi just tries
to get out of the scene.
[Sam and Ryan laugh]
I'm like, trying to move with Luigi, but.
There he goes. He goes, "See you soon."
He says see you soon?
- Ah, time for a bath
and a calzone.
- No, I don't want him
to be taking a bath.
[upbeat music]
[bell dings]
- Ryan.
- Hey, mom, leave me alone,
I'm watching Shitters Island.
[Sam and Jess laugh]
[bell dings]
- Jess.
- No way. You are kidding.
Yeah, yeah. Hang on, one second.
That is amazing. What are you gonna do?
Yeah, yeah, yeah. One second.
No, I'm just supposed to be on
someone's shoulder right now.
At this point, I'm like, if
you can't make good decisions
on your own, then what is
me telling you to do them,
you know what I'm saying?
[Sam laughs] [buzzer buzzes]
- [Sam] Love that, Jess.
[bell dings]
Ben.
[water bottle crinkling]
[players and Sam laugh]
[crew laughing]
[Sam laughing]
[bottle clatters]
[Ben panting]
[Ben groaning]
[Sam laughs]
- Ah!
God!
Now, that's what I call refreshed, baby.
And that's a wrap!
[bell dings]
[group laughing]
Did I do you well?
- Yeah, that was perfect.
- That was great.
Really good.
[upbeat music]
[bell dings]
- Ryan.
- The way that should have looked.
[Sam laughs]
[crew laughs]
- I can't believe it.
I can't believe it.
- [Jess] Oh my gosh.
[crew cheers]
[Ryan coughs]
[Ryan grunting]
[Ryan mimics video game beeping]
[everyone laughing]
[buzzer buzzes]
- All right.
- [Jess] That's great.
- That'll do it.
That's a mini game.
[bright music]
That brings us to round three,
where our players will now hold hands
and jump into the abyss together.
- Jess.
- Sam.
- Ben.
- Sammy.
- Ryan.
♪ Sam time ♪
- Sam time.
Sam time.
- Sam time, Sam place.
- That's good.
[Sam laughs]
- Damn it. Cut that out.
- That's good.
- Sam time, Sam place.
- That was good.
- Cut that out.
- No one in book club will
admit they didn't read the book.
- What a great one this week, by the way.
- It was really good.
- Yeah,
really good pick, Spence.
- Thanks.
- Unbelievable.
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
It kind of hooked me.
- Oh, from the start.
- [Jess] Yes, from-
- From the start, page one.
- Page one.
- Yeah.
- I think like,
even though I loved all of it,
I would say page one is
still the page that like,
I connected with the most.
- I could talk to you about
page one for f*cking ever.
- [Jess] Yeah.
- I could talk to you about
page one for f*cking ever.
- What a way to start.
- I knew the second I saw the cover,
and I saw like, that little,
that little pirate ship,
I was like, oh, I'm in for a treat,
and then I was in for a treat.
- And we know there was a
pirate ship on the cover.
- Yeah.
- So you know there's
gonna be a pirate ship,
but in that first page,
it was mostly like,
it said "To Martha,"
but like, you know, we knew.
- [Jess] But like, we knew.
[Sam laughs]
- And the ending?
- I needed it,
I needed, I needed it.
I needed that ending.
- That ending.
- [Ben] I needed that ending.
- Because in my head, I was like,
how are they gonna wrap this up?
- They can't wrap-
- No, they can't.
There's too much.
- They won't be able to.
- There were a couple
different characters-
- Oh my God.
- That we were following.
- What was your favorite one, by the way?
- Well, probably Martha.
Well, no, the person writing
Martha was my favorite.
Yeah, not Martha herself.
- I think the book was
dedicated to Martha, right?
- Yeah, yeah, yeah, to Martha.
[Sam laughs]
- Did you guys get a chance
to gander at the back of the book?
- Did I, did I.
- Oh my God,
because in my head, I was like,
well, it tells the whole story,
but then when you get deep into it,
the back of the book doesn't
cover like, half of it.
- No, it was mostly quotes-
- You know what I mean?
- From other authors,
and I was kinda like,
well, that doesn't help me with the book.
- This tells me what other
people thought of the book.
- I wanna make my own opinion.
- Of course.
- You know?
- The thing that stood
out for me the most,
and this I can 100% get behind.
- Yeah?
- The font, baby.
I was looking at the font in that book,
and I'm like, are you-
- Small.
- What is this?
- Small.
- It's small.
- I had to bring out those little toots.
- At first-
- The little what?
- Toots.
- When you picked it, Spence,
I was like, oh, this
thing is is 250 pages.
No problem.
- Too easy. Too quick.
- I'm gonna breeze through
this before club in two months,
but then the words were small,
so it did-
- So it's like 500.
- It was more like 500,
so it did take me a while,
but that's good.
- I'll let you guys go first.
Is there like a part of the book
that when you read it, you're like,
I really connect with that?
- I'll go third.
- Is there a specific?
I'll go second, then.
- Okay, let me-
- But I'm talking about, like,
a real, like, specific thing
that we can really dive into.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Let me think. Let me think.
[buzzer buzzing]
[Sam laughs]
- Yep.
- A quick YouTube summary's
worth of points to you all.
- Oh, nice.
- Oh.
Do they do those for books?
- For some reason, that
brings Ben back into the red.
Sorry about that.
- Oh.
[Ryan chortles]
- Probably 'cause the font
size on your points was small.
- f*cking toots.
- Toots.
- Jess.
- Sam.
- Ben.
- Sammy.
- And Ryan.
♪ Sammer, Sammer, Sammertime ♪
[Sam laughs]
- That's good.
- That was good.
- The presenters realize mid-pitch
their "Shark Tank" product already exists.
[everyone laughing]
- [Jess] Ready?
You guys ready? Here we go.
- Do you wanna start first?
- Yeah, no, here we go. Here we go.
- Remember, just like we promised.
- Yeah.
Good evening, Sharks.
- Good evening, Sharks.
- Good evening, Sharks.
- We're three friends
who met at summer camp,
and we stumbled upon a common problem
that no one had thought to solve.
- Probably something that
you're gonna go, wait a minute,
how did nobody solve this?
- Now, when you're going to the bathroom,
and you finish taking a big stinky,
[Sam laughs]
aren't you worried there's
nothing to wipe your bottom with?
- And then you spend the whole day
with your bottom un-wiped?
Well, Sharks, we're looking
for a 50 million investment
for 25% of our company,
as we present you with our new product,
Paper for After the Toilet.
- This is P for A the T.
You take this, you wipe your bottom
and you get yourself crystal clear,
and from then on, you will be fine,
and we are just asking for-
- Dougie's saying that it already exists.
- They had it in the bathroom.
- Roll with me, roll
with me, roll with me,
roll with me, roll with me, roll with me.
You know when you get a big sneeze?
- That's it.
- You know when you have a big sneeze,
and you got nothing to
blow your nose with?
Well.
- Well, Sharks.
We'd like to introduce
to you an entire roll
of After Sneeze Paper.
- After Sneeze Paper.
- It'll wipe it right off your nose.
There's, no, that can't be right.
- They said in the dressing room,
both these things were
available in the dressing room.
- And it was in a little box.
- Call them tissues, tissues.
- Do you know how annoying
it was for the Egyptians
to roll up their mummies?
[Sam laughs]
[buzzer buzzing]
- Oh my God.
[Sam and Jess sigh in unison]
- To roll up their mummies.
- Do you think that's how
they did it back then?
- 500,000 points for a
- But just one Shark,
or is it multiple Sharks
splitting the deal?
- Can we choose?
- Mr. Wonderful is in for that amount.
Penultimate prompt of our game.
- Jess.
- Sam.
- Ben.
- Sammy.
- Ryan.
♪ Sammer, Sammer, Sammer ♪
- Yeah, he found one that worked.
- Ghost hunters interpret the sounds
coming out of the tape recorder.
- Oh man, I felt it.
I felt it in there.
- Absolutely.
- I mean, I know we're gonna.
- This was rolling for about 30 hours.
The ghostometer was
going absolutely insane.
- It was a long night.
[Ben mimics radio static]
[Ryan vocalizing]
- Oh my gosh. Did you get that?
- Wait, let me play it one more time.
[Ryan vocalizing]
- I think you have it on fast forward.
- Oh, sorry.
[Sam and crew laugh]
- Try it again. Try it again.
[Ryan vocalizing]
- No, that sounds slow.
- All right, I got it.
- "Hey, do you think
there's any ghosts in here?"
[Sam laughs]
- That's you.
That was you right before we were checking
to see if there were any ghosts.
All right, well let's fast forward.
- Well, it's 30 hours.
- That's setting up equipment.
- That was the very beginning.
We expect that.
- Let's press play.
- "Yeah, I know.
You set it up correctly. We got it."
That was me talking about
how you set it up correctly.
I'm gonna fast forward a bit-
- I say we go ahead
like eight hours.
- Fast forward a little bit,
and press play.
- "I'm gonna order lunch,
unless you guys wanna go out."
- We ordered lunch.
- We did order lunch.
- So we were in that room
for a long time.
- Yeah.
Maybe go further, further, further.
- Here we go.
"That pizza was terrible."
That was me talking about the lunch.
[buzzer buzzing]
[all laughing]
- If you two could've only
seen how much you got Jess-
- Oh my gosh, I got got.
- With that first "that's me."
- "So do you think there's
any ghosts in here?"
[crew laughing]
- 14 points with unfinished business
in this world to you.
- That's good.
- Which brings us to the
last prompt of our game.
- Wow.
- I feel like we're just getting started.
- Jess.
- Sam.
- Ben.
- Sammy.
- Ryan.
♪ Sammer, Sammer, Sammertime ♪
- If "The Bear" were as intense
about work-life balance.
- Oh, you're right.
You did do that, Jess.
- Yeah, whoopsies.
Okay, great.
Nope, that's it. No more prep.
Everyone get home to
their friends or family
or time by themselves.
No more time in the kitchen.
- What are you talking about?
We got a four-top out there.
- I don't care. I don't care.
What you say when I say it?
- [Ben and Ryan] Yes, chef.
- When was the last time you
took a bath, you took a walk?
When was the last time you got to exercise
and eat a meal that you
didn't cook yourselves?
- Been a long time, chef.
- It's been a week, chef.
- That's right. Thank you, chefs.
- Behind you, chef.
- I hope you're leaving, chef.
- Well, I can't right now,
because I got something in the oven, chef.
Do I have to go right now?
- You gotta go right now.
- This is my life, chef.
- No, chef, this is your work.
It can't be your whole life.
- Are you saying my self
worth shouldn't be based
on the type of food that I make, chef?
- Yes, chef.
- Okay, chef.
- Chef.
- Yes.
- I gotta request some time off.
- Yes, chef.
- I need three and a half months off.
I wanna spend some time with
my family and go to Disneyland.
- He needs 55 vacations, 40
life experiences with his kids,
he needs 33 different
people to hang out with,
he needs one therapist,
and needs about 22 times to
be happy, is that correct?
- Fire, fire, fire, fire.
- Fire, fire, fire.
- We need all those things for
Ryan, and we need them now.
Yes, chef.
- What about you, chef?
You're just thinking about
everybody else, chef.
- Me, chef? No, no.
- Yes, chef.
- Yeah, what about taking time
for yourself, chef?
- What about you, chef?
You can't just tell us to do that, chef.
- But if I take time for myself, chefs,
then who will take time for you two chefs?
- You can't take care of us
until you take care of yourself.
- Read it, read what we have
above our little dessert station.
- [All] You can't take care of yourself,
if you're always taking care of others,
which is to say,
take care of both.
Yes, chef.
[Sam laughs]
[crew laughs and applauds]
- Yes, chef.
- Right?
- Yeah.
- Hey.
- Yes, chef.
- Yes, chef.
- I say we close it down for the night.
- Are you saying we should wrap it up?
- I'm saying, that is a wrap.
- Nice.
[Sam and crew laughing]
[buzzer buzzing]
- It's as if you created
your own blackout line.
That sophisticated.
- Wow.
- Wow. Yes, chef.
- That brings us to the end of our show.
Our winner tonight:
Ben Schwartz.
- Wow.
- Ben,
[crew applauding]
you are the recipient of the coveted-
- Wow.
- Golden Ear.
- Oh my God.
- That does it for us
here at "Make Some Noise."
Tune in next time for
more of the Game Samer.
I'm Sam Reich, and that
sounds pretty good to me.
Good night.
[mellow jazzy music]
[mellow jazzy music fades out]
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03x12 - A Basketball Player's Far Too Elaborate Free Throw Routine
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In each episode, three comedians compete as players, improvising scenes based on prompts from Reich.
In each episode, three comedians compete as players, improvising scenes based on prompts from Reich.