02x03 - Down the Shore

[bunniefuu]

[waves crashing faintly]

[seagulls cawing]

["Allegro-Presto" from La tempesta di mare
by Vivaldi playing]

[Anne] There she is!

Somebody call Sports Illustrated!

Oh, let's get a picture!

Mommy!

Mommy!

[cooing]

- Hi, baby.
- [gasps]

Do you like the beach, Eugene?

That baby needs a spit-up cloth
and a nickname.

- Hey!
- Hey, Gin.

- So, Gin, do you mind if I run--
- Bathroom, yes, go, go, go.

- Oh, but we only have one--
- [Anne] Diaper. I'll grab it at the house.

- But in an hour, you have to pump.
- I have to pump, yes. Thank you. Bye-bye.

Okay, I know Annie's involved,
but this is really involved, right?

- [softly] Yeah.
- [Jack] Good news!

Somebody spent too much money
at the beach store.

[Jack laughs]

All right, so we've got Kadima.

- Right.
- All right?

A bunch of kites.

Got that toss-catch game

where a Velcro salad plate
is strapped to your hand.

I was really hoping to read my book today,

but maybe Danny or Claude
would fly a kite.

- It's too windy today.
- I'm pretending not to hear.

Hey, I'll play some toss-catch with you.
I just need someone to hold the baby.

[gasps] Uncle Danny,
come on, it's good practice.

Actually, Claude wanted to take a picture
with the baby, right? I got it.

You want a picture with Uncle Claude.
Uncle Claude.

Come here, baby Gino.

Gino! Gino's a good nickname, no?

[gasps] Yes! Gino.

I don't know. It's kind of close to Ginny.

I think for now
we're gonna stick with Eugene.

[Claude] Or Gino. I like Gino.

Okay, big smiles.

Ah!

[laughs] Nailed it.

Oh, thank God Ginny is sporty.

You know, I feel like Jack
really misses having a dude friend.

Uh, excuse me. I'm a dude.

Oh, okay. Do you want to go over there
and talk to him about Andor?

- Okay, you don't have to get all violent.
- [scoffs]

No, it's just Nick
used to text him about sports

and take him to see Steely Dan
at the Prudential Center.

Please, I don't want to remember
my friend like that.

[chuckles] No, I… I've been
trying to connect with him and, like,

boost him up, but…

I don't know, it's been a long summer.

Well…

Well, you're here now,
so just relax on the beach

and read your erotica for prudes.

[soft chuckle]

Okay, I think this game
might have been a little ambitious.

I haven't been keeping up on my cardio.

I'm overheated,
but you keep going. [chuckle]

Yeah, okay. No worries.

I'd like to toss… catch.

[Jack] All right.

["Allegro-Presto" from La tempesta di mare
by Vivaldi continues]

[Danny] Good, look at that.

All right, athletics. Yeah, well…

Okay. It got a little…
caught a little bit.

Told you, sports are dangerous
when you're over 50.

- [Velcro ripping]
- Ow.

- [chuckles]
- I got it. I got it.

["Summer" from The Four Seasons
by Vivaldi playing]

[bicycle bell dinging]

[Jack] Ooh! What's for lunch?

My lobster rolls
that I spent all summer perfecting.

And my pasta salad, which is only okay.

I just got the baby to sleep. And Ginny.

"And Ginny"?

So what's going on with your baby?
Kate said you're leaning towards adoption.

Um, well, the adoption agency
actually rejected us.

And-- And now I'm remembering
that she also said not to mention it.

So that all tracks. Yeah.

Well, they thought that I was too old.

They took a look at all this handsome
and thought, "Methuselah."

- [all laugh]
- [Claude] Crazy.

So we moved on to surrogacy.

Or "sur-rog-acy"? Surrogacy?

- "Sur-rog-acy," right.
- "Sur-rog-acy."

Anyway, we already had a Zoom
with a very nice woman named Brenda.

Her internet was very stable.

And if we decide that she's the one,
then it's full speed ahead.

So are, uh, people going back
to the beach after this?

Maybe a Kadima tourney?

- Huh?
- [Kate] Jack…

I don't know how to tell you this.
I might hate beach games.

- But you-- you used to love beach games.
- Did I?

I feel like when we first started dating,
like, we had a lot more in common.

He doesn't like anything I like anymore.

He didn't even want to take me
to see the new Rihanna movie.

He's talking about Smurfs.

- [giggles]
- No couple has "things in common."

When you're dating,
it just feels like you do

because you're lying
to each other to have sex.

That's what it was.

Oh, Nick and I used to read
the Wall Street Journal.

I have a photo of me and Lou Dobbs
at a book signing.

[all laugh]

I don't think I could pretend anymore.

Honestly, that is why I am so glad

all of this dating bullshit
is totally behind me.

["Summer" from The Four Seasons
by Vivaldi continues]

[Eugene cooing over monitor]

[seagulls cawing]

Hey, was Annie implying
that she's never dating again

because she's, what,
busy with Ginny's baby?

Oh, I-- I don't even think
she's been on a date since Terry.

She's barely driven anywhere
besides, like, her local ShopRite.

My nonna always used to say,
the moment you give up on love,

death seeps into the marrow of your bones.

Ugh.

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God, Jack made a friend.

He made a beach friend.

[gasps] I didn't think middle-aged
straight men could make new friends.

As unlikely as the universe.

["Largo" from La tempesta di mare
by Vivaldi playing]

Oh, my God.

- Hey, guys, uh, this is Mark Brett.
- Hi, you can call me Mark Brett.

Yeah, we just dug a really big hole.

Cool.

Okay if Jack stays out a little longer?

- I got glow-in-the-dark paddles.
- Yeah, sure.

I mean, I guess we can just open the rosé

instead of those weird dark beers
that you insisted on buying.

Yes!

[uplifting music playing]

I mean, incredible, right?

- [Kate] …literally impossible.
- [Danny] No.

You-- You say it, then.
You say it-- You say it five times fast.

[rolling tongue]

Mandy Patinkin, Potomac, Maryland.
Mandy Patinkin, Potomac, Maryland.

- Mandy Patinkin, Po-- [sputters]
- [all laugh]

- f*ck you, Katherine!
- Ha-ha! The reigning champion.

Hey, Anne, quick question.

I am gonna duct-tape towels to our windows
to block out all the sun in the morning.

Can you please try and figure out
why this breast pump is not working?

Yes, I can.

[sighs] Thanks.

- [coughs]
- [Anne] Nothing there.

[Ginny] Okay.

Now let's, yeah, put it on.

[breast pump humming]

- Yeah, and it's sucking.
- [mouthing] What the f*ck?

So, you must not have
your nipple all the way in.

- Don't freak out.
- Okay. Thanks, A.

- Okay.
- Night.

- [Claude] You want some, my love?
- [Anne] I do.

- [Claude giggling] Of course you do.
- But of course. Thank you.

So, uh, Annie, how's this whole,
um, Ginny situation going?

You're asking
because this seems weird, right?

No, we just want
to make sure you're happy.

Okay.

You know how when you hit your fifties,
you just sort of never feel joy again?

Yeah, I'm holding steady
at a five at all times.

[Anne] Okay, when I am with this baby,

I feel helpful,
and I am good at it, and I do feel joy.

Like real, real, real joy.

Ooh, and I get to look
at his sweet, squishy little face.

Oh, I just feel joy that hurts my molars.

Yeah, but you don't
have to give up everything.

I mean, you can still make
dinner plans and go on dates.

I mean, a baby comes into your life,
not the other way around.

[scoffs]

Well, amore mio,
we'll have to make a few changes.

[Anne giggles]

It may be a while before our baby
is up for a 10:30 dinner at Balthazar.

[chuckles] Hey, where have you been?
You missed dinner.

- Hey, stranger.
- I know, I'm sorry. Yeah. But I did eat.

Mark's, uh, cooler had IPAs
and a bunch of Uncrustables.

- [Anne] Mm!
- What is it?

Peanut butter rolled up in a sock.

Well, I'm gonna shower and head to bed.

I am so ready for those blackout curtains.

Hang on, your room has blackout curtains,
but ours has a baby in it?

Ooh.

Yeah.

It was nice of you to offer to switch.
Should we push the beds together?

Honestly, I'm beat.

You know, Mark and I did so many races.

But we can move them tomorrow.

Okay.

[Eugene cries]

[sighs]

[crying continues]

Well, another Nick and Ginny sex noise,
when you think about it.

[laughs]

[crying continuous]

You know, when we have a baby,
we'll have this sound all the time.

It won't be a problem, babe.
I can sleep through anything.

Except you don't sleep through it.

When the baby cries, you get up.

[crying continuous]

[Claude sighs]

- [noise machine chuffing]
- What the hell is all that?

To make the baby stop crying.

It mimics the sound of a womb.

The womb makes a sound?

[uplifting music playing]

[grass rustling]

Oh, Jesus! It's 9:40.

- Oh, my God.
- [laughs]

That was the best night's sleep
I've had in like a year.

- Is that a bummer to say?
- No, same.

I guess give it up for twins.

[laughs]

You're in a good mood.

Want to go get breakfast tacos
and go check out the craft fair with me?

Ugh. Craft fair. You know I hate
disappointing hopeful vendors.

I was thinking I'd go to the beach,
see if Mark Brett wants to boogie board.

Okay. You do your thing, and I'll do mine.

Great. Well, if you see the T-shirt guy,

I still regret not getting that one
that said, "Keep calm and fuhgeddaboudit."

["Allegro" from Il piacere
by Vivaldi playing]

- [Jack] All right.
- [Mark] What do we think?

- [Jack] I think it's pretty good.
- [Mark] We're gonna go for record height.

You're the kite whisperer.

Okay, here we go. Ready?

[laughs]

Wow, you really zipped through that.

Well, my husband's on a playdate,
and I got nine hours of sleep last night.

All right, come through, New Jersey.
This b*tch got REM sleep.

[cell phone vibrates]

Oh, Anne's not coming now.

She said she was up late with the baby

and wants to stay home and watch
Three's Company reruns with Ginny.

That's too much. You know what?
Tell her I'll take care of him tonight.

Yes. Get her out of the house.

Somebody else can watch that baby sleep
and feed it food and water.

Danny, you cannot give
a newborn baby water. Or food.

I know that.

But then,

what's baby food?

For when they're older.

I know that, Katherine.

Okay? I was just kidding.

What are those two dipshits talking about?

College ball, Gatorade flavors,
Black Friday sales on…

- 350-inch TVs. Ah!
- 350-inch TVs. Ah!

And when you lose a friend,
obviously that's hard.

But the thing I didn't expect
was how that relationship

was connected to every other relationship.

I lost my dad when I was in high school.

And I remember this therapist told me,

"Your grief doesn't get smaller,
you gotta get bigger."

"The Mets lost again."

"Oh, I'm gonna zip up my windbreaker,
real mad about it."

You know,
I don't know if our coach was a*usive,

but in hindsight,
the way that he would speak to us…

You just wish the 10-year-old you
could have said, "Hey, this is not okay."

I mean, we were just boys.

"Oh, I just bought
a whiskey-flavored body wash."

"I'm gonna wash my taint with it."

[all laugh]

Men do sound exactly like this.

[Kate, Danny and Claude chuckling]

Hey, uh, we're gonna go get
a bucket of beers in town.

- Can Mark come to dinner?
- Oh, sure. If his mom says it's okay.

I know you're making fun of me,

but his mom is here,
and he's asking her right now.

[inaudible]

Ha!

Is it just him, or is he married?

Divorced. But he and Rachel
are in a really good place.

Wait a minute. Wait a minute.

So you mean that Mark Brett is single?
We should sit him next to Anne.

That's not a bad idea.

All right? Right? He's a hetero eight.

- Yeah.
- What number hetero am I?

Oh, honey,
asking makes you an automatic four.

[Kate] Every time he has
Lobster Thermidor, he gets sick,

but then he always forgets
and orders it again.

[all laugh]

I hope you don't mind seafood, Mark.

Well, as I like to say,
seafood is me food.

[both laughing]

Uh, maybe 7.5.

[quietly] Stop.

Wait, that's crazy.
We were just talking about that shirt.

[Jack] Okay, I-I have a confession.

- We were riding our bikes, and, you know--
- Did you go to the craft fair without me?

- [gasps]
- Mm, are you mad?

What are the chances
you'll take the shirt's advice?

Ow! What? Get away from me.

There she is, night out legend!

- Saved you a seat.
- [Anne] Oh. [chuckles]

Anne, uh, this is Jack's friend,
the handsome Mark Brett.

- Hi.
- Hi.

Anne. World's latest person.

[laughs]

Right? [laughs]

- She's funny. She's a funny person.
- Yeah.

- Always saying stuff like that.
- This one.

[Danny] She's funny.

- Want one of these?
- Nah, I'm good.

- It's all right.
- So…

Thoughts on Mark Brett?

Jack's friend? I don't know.

Seems kind of boring,
but he's nice enough.

Well, he's single.

Well, he hasn't said
a word to me all night.

He kept pouring water for you.

The forearms were defined.

I promise, I meant what I said yesterday.

I'm happy.

Okay, but it's your vacation,
your night off.

Yeah, and I don't want to waste it
trying to impress some guy

who's probably not gonna be into it.

[scoffs]

Do you not want to f*ck Mark,
or are you scared to f*ck Mark?

Yeah, or you could just kiss
and feel each other up.

We just met during appetizers,
and dessert isn't even on the table.

What is wrong with you?

I'm just concerned
that your decision to co-parent

your ex-husband's girlfriend's new baby

may be a stall tactic
because you're afraid to live your life.

Oh, I'm afraid?

You're the one who wants to be a dad,
and you're too scared to hold a baby.

No, I'm not!

Well, you wouldn't take the baby
when I needed to go to the bathroom.

I had to lay him on a bath mat
so I could wash my hands.

See? Focus on your own problems.

I'm gonna go check on Claude.

And anyway, you have a straw wrapper
in your clam chowder.

What?

Come on!

Well, as far as TV goes,

um, I'm down with pretty much anything
in the Bosch universe.

- Yep.
- Bosch, Bosch Legacy.

Ballard, of course.

- [Jack] A hundred percent.
- But my all-time favorite TV show?

- Three's Company.
- [gasps]

Anne, did you hear that?

Three's Company.

I did.

[audience laughing and applauding on TV]

Uh, what happened
in the episode before this?

Yeah, I don't know,
but there's a lot of miscommunication.

Why can't they just say things plainly
to each other, you know?

Ginny, maybe you need a break?

Yes, you do.

Claude, you're taking Ginny for ice cream.
I'm gonna babysit Gino.

Where's the little bean?

Uh, he's upstairs, sleeping.

Also, I think we're gonna
stick with Eugene for now.

- Amore, are you sure?
- We'll be fine. Go, go! I got it.

Okay. Thank you, Danny. Have fun.

- There's milk in the fridge if you need.
- I got this.

[Ginny] We can go to that cute place.

- Amore…
- Yeah, good. I'm good.

- Ciao! Ciao!
- [Ginny] Ciao!

Ciao!

- [door closes]
- Ah! It's me and you, little bugger.

Aw.

[muttering softly] All quiet.

Uh-oh.

What?

["Summer" from The Four Seasons
by Vivaldi playing]

[sighs]

Hey.

What are you doing?

You okay, little dude?

- [Eugene crying]
- Ooh, okay.

All right, um, okay.

- [crying]
- Hey.

Okay.

Oh, maybe I'll get your binky.

Your mommy said you need this.
I'm gonna give you this.

How about that? You like that? Okay.

- [continues crying]
- [toy rattling]

Yeah. No, didn't want that.

Okay, all right. Okay, how about…

♪ No, no, no, enough is enough is enough ♪

♪ I can't go on ♪

[sobbing]

- [crying continues]
- Okay, okay, okay.

[shushing]

- [staccato shushing]
- [whimpering]

[crying stops]

[continues shushing]

[continues shushing]

[continues shushing]

So, do you like any music?

Do you mean, like, in the world?

I don't know what I mean.

I think it's going well back there.
What do you think? Don't look.

No, watch. I can be very natural.

You see the state bird? Where?

Huh, must have flown away.

Hey, guys, who wants to sneak
onto the beach with me?

Oh, you guys go.

Yeah, Jack and I are gonna go back.
We're just, like, so tired.

[Anne] Oh, you know what?

If you guys are gonna go home,
I think I'm gonna go home too.

Uh…

Oh, Mark, look.
Uh, BOGO sale on hermit crabs.

We got to do it.
We got to do it. Crab brothers?

- Crab brothers!
- Hermit crabs? Say no more.

Hey.

What's wrong with you?

He's nice, and he has a job,
and, you know,

Jack said he won most of their races.

You're like Rita at my ShopRite.

Why are all married people so obsessed
with setting up their single friends?

You know why. Because being married
is weird and complicated.

You never get to have simple,
slutty fun ever again.

Is there no part of you that wants that?

Oh, okay.

How are my t*ts?

They look great.

- Go.
- [Anne] Okay.

[laughs]

Wow.

We've really done a nice thing
for our two best friends.

So what are we gonna do?

- You want to watch a movie?
- Oh, yeah. Something we both like.

Wait, you're starting with
"If you liked John Wick"?

- Here, you do it.
- Good.

What's From Mouseketeer to Sex Symbol?

- [clicking button]
- [TV navigator chiming]

[Claude, laughing] Thank you so much.

Thank you, thank you.

Oh, Claude, can you grab me
one of the, uh, little papers?

- The receipt?
- Mm.

No, the wipey ones.
Oh, my God, what is the word?

- Oh, uh, the napkins. Sorry.
- Oh! Yes.

Wow, I am so brain-dead.

I have not slept four straight hours
in, like, a month.

Also, remember yesterday
when I was throwing that ball with Jack?

Well, you were tired, I get it.

No, no, no, Claude.

I peed myself.

[laughs]

- [Ginny gasps]
- You peed!

[laughing] Don't laugh!
I really peed myself!

Oh, gosh. I am creature.

This is how everyone feels.
And you're doing it alone.

No, I'm not.

Anne does basically everything,
and I am so grateful for her,

and I really do need her.

But honestly,
the more she does, the worse I feel.

- Is that terrible to say?
- No.

This isn't hard
because you're bad at it, huh?

- It's hard because it's f*cking hard.
- Yeah.

Hey, I remember how it was
when my nieces were babies.

You know, it can feel like, um…

Come si dice?

[in English] …quicksand.

Hmm.

Eventually you come out of it.
And you're so young.

You have a lot of time to uncreature.

Mm, yeah, how long does that take?

Nine years.

Nine years?

Ooh! Nine years.
In nine years I'll be… 42.

That's pretty young.

- I love you for saying that.
- [laughs]

Hey, I'm sorry
for dumping all this on you.

Especially when you're trying
to become a parent yourself.

That's okay.

- I already know exactly how hard it is.
- Hmm.

Do you mind if we go home to Gino?

- Ah!
- [gasps]

Oh, my God! You b*stards won!

Gino it is!

- Gino.
- Gino.

- [door opens]
- [door chime jingles]

Wait up!

[mellow piano music playing]

[waves crashing]

Wow, the ocean is really loud.

Yeah.

I'm sorry, my friends are insane
and forced us to do this.

Please, my married friends
are always trying to set me up too.

Maybe because it's so hard
to split the dinner bill three ways.

[chuckles]

Really, I-I…

I was a little relieved when I realized

that Kate and Jack
were trying to get us together.

- You were?
- Yeah.

Because before that,
I thought the two of them were swingers.

- [laughing] Wait, what?
- Yes!

They were giving me a lot of weird
compliments about my running shape.

And they both kept saying
how well they slept the night before.

[laughing] Oh, my God!

And when Kate mentioned Three's Company,

she really hit
the "three's" and the "company."

Real hard. She did.

- No. They are definitely not swingers.
- Okay, I'm just saying.

If that's their thing, cool with me.
It's just not mine.

- Okay.
- Okay, noted.

[chuckles] Oh, this is my sister's place.

Oh!

Do you want to come up?

Full disclosure,
I am sleeping on an AeroBed in the den.

But it's totally private and everything.

We'd-- We'd just have to be a little quiet
'cause my mom's in the front room.

- But when she takes her hearing A*DS out--
- Yeah. Know what, Mark?

I don't think I need that tonight.

- Yeah, all good.
- But thank you.

- Sure.
- Yeah, it was good to meet you.

Good to meet you.

- Okay.
- Have a good night.

[screams]

[Mark] Oh, my God! Are you okay?

[Anne] Jesus f*cking Christ!

[Mark] Uh… Oh, God.

Who the f*ck dug this hole?

That was gonna be a moat.

- Oh God, let me help you.
- [Anne] No, thank you, Mark Brett!

- f*ck!
- Sorry.

[Anne] It's okay!

[Anne spits]

[g*nf*re on TV]

What happened now?

[woman screaming on TV]

I think Sandra Bullock is in Vietnam.

[door slams]

So, how was it?

Oh.

It was exactly as B-minus
as I expected it to be.

Oh, no.

You're upset?

Yeah, I'm upset.

I just had to climb out of a sand hole

like I was on a Japanese game show.

I get that you guys think my life is so
sad that you need to save me with a guy.

No, Anne. We do not.

But at this age,
dating is a pretty surefire way

to end the night
feeling shitty about yourself.

I mean, life is not a Nancy Meyers movie.

Well, well, well.
Guess who not only held a baby--

- No, Danny, she's mad.
- f*ck off.

Listen to me when I tell you
I know what I am doing.

Oh! What a concept. I'm a grown-a*s woman!

I am happy, guys.
I'm helping to raise a f*cking person.

But tonight, old Anne is going to bed
at a 1.4 on the joy scale. Okay?

So thanks a lot.

- I'm so sorry.
- Our bad. Yeah.

No, you know what?
You guys just don't get it.

You all get to end each day
next to a person you like.

[Jack] Mm.

Oh, and by the way,
he thought Kate and Jack were swingers.

[laughs]

- Wait, what?
- Ew.

You know, you are a person I like.

You're a person I like too.

Which is why, when you went
to the craft fair without me…

I knew I shouldn't have filed that one
as a closed case.

[scoffs] No, no.

It's just, you know,
like, when we're at home,

sometimes it feels like we see each other,
but, you know, you're watching baseball,

and I'm locked out
of my New York Times account

for trying the wrong password
too many times, and--

Yeah, we don't really connect.

I'm glad you're having
so much fun this week.

I just kind of wish it was with me.

This is really embarrassing,
because you're, like, so in love with me.

[laughs]

Wait, can you believe Mark Brett
thought we were swingers?

Yeah, it's, like, so crazy.

[gentle music playing]

Do you think he was, like, into it?

[snickers] I don't know.
It's kind of flattering, I guess.

But it's just, like, swingers is so crazy.

Loco.

["Allegro" from Il piacere
by Vivaldi playing]

I won't lie.
Being with the baby all night was hard.

It was 90 minutes.

Yeah, but at least now I know
I can do it, right?

Right.

[Eugene crying]

I guess this will be our life in a year.

What a miracle.

[Anne shushing]

[lulling string music playing]

[contemplative music playing]

[music heightens]

- Hi.
- Hey.

Inflate the bed.

["Allegro-Presto" from La tempesta di mare
by Vivaldi playing]

[music ends]