02x03 - Episode 3

[bunniefuu]

[Beattie] Tonight we peek behind
the curtains and pull back the bed sheets

to reveal the truth
about Rupert Campbell-Black.

On the night
before he asks voters to elect him.

Member of Parliament
for Chalford and Bisley,

we ask how a man like this gains a free
pass to the highest offices in the land.

Rupert Campbell-Black,
show jumper and showman,

charlatan and con man,

catapulted into a safe seat, he now enjoys
an unusually close relationship…

- She's got nothing.
- …with the Prime Minister…

- None of this is news.
- …who created the role

of Minister for Sport especially for him.

Tony said we were
doing Joan Collins this week.

…conceals scandalous
and hastily covered-up flings

with several Tory colleagues' wives,

including our very own Sarah Stratton,

- recently married to MP Paul Stratton.
- [sighs]

And Amanda, the wife of Foreign Secretary,
Rollo Hamilton.

Secretly recorded tapes,
recently come into our possession,

reveal Campbell-Black's cavalier attitude
towards these conquests.

Oh, Christ.

[Rupert] So, Mandy Hamilton, you know
she used to get me to spank her?

Called the hairbrush "daddy." [laughs]

Oh, God, Beattie.

[Beattie] Earlier, I interviewed a woman
who was a participant

at a group sex session
in a Soho art studio…

- What's happening?
- …In the mid-'60s.

And roll the tape.

[Beattie] Can you tell me who was present
on that particular occasion?

A number of rock stars,
at least one of them was in The Stones.

A couple of footballers.

The American actor, Johnny…

- [Beattie] Johnny Friedlander?
- [Pamela] Yes.

And Rupert Campbell-Black.
You don't forget that silky voice.

[Beattie] Hmm. And did
Mr Campbell-Black engage in the group sex?

[Pamela] Enthusiastically.

No one was disappointed, put it that way.

[Beattie] And I have to ask,
in this age of A*DS,

was anyone there using protection?

Protection?

We were all high as kites.

[Valerie] I've always said, Fred-Fred.
Now he's gonna give us all A*DS.

[Beattie] And this sexual deviance was
cited in their divorce proceedings

by his ex-wife, Helen.

I'm not talking about him, okay?
Please get off my driveway.

- [Beattie] Can I ask why?
- [Helen] Get off my driveway!

[Beattie] Mrs Gordon!

- [Helen] Oh, my God!
- [Beattie] Mrs Gordon!

I think that's no comment.

Helen Gordon,
previously Helen Campbell-Black,

was involved in a foursome
with Campbell-Black

and his showjumping teammates
while on holiday in Kenya.

- [Marcus] What's a foursome?
- What are you doing out of bed?

[Beattie] Plus, we can now reveal
some uncomfortable truths…

It is another word for a quartet.

[Beattie] At the same time as seducing.

Corinium's former controller
of programmes, Cameron Cook,

Mr Campbell-Black hunted closer to home,

beginning a relationship
with Declan O'Hara's daughter Agatha,

a girl 17 years his junior.

- f*ck's sake.
- Begging the question, what sort of a man

preys upon the young daughter
of his colleague and friend?

So, what's the Prime Minister think
of the politician

[phone rings]
- …once referred to as her "blue-eyed boy"?

Unfortunately, no one from Mrs Thatcher's
office was available to comment.

But Campbell-Black doesn't seem to return
her regard in this recording from 1985.

Roll tape.

[Rupert] You know why they call her
"Milk Snatcher"?

It's not taking dairy products from kids,
it's because she's got a milky sna

[bleeps]
- [groans]

With the polls opening in ten hours,

we ask how can a pervert and
sexual deviant like Rupert Campbell-Black

be allowed to represent
the fine people of Great Britain?

[Rupert] f*ck!

[♪ Opera music playing]

[♪ Upbeat music playing]

Oh, oh! This way. Turn!

[photographer] Here we go. Another one.

Lord Baddingham! Lord Baddingham, sir!
Over here! Quickly, sir!

Go!

[clears throat] We're here at the home
of Mr Rupert Campbell-Black,

Minister for Sport

and subject of last night's extraordinary
Uncensored allegations.

We're gonna try
and get a few words from him

as he arrives at his home today
on election day.

Mr Campbell-Black? Hello.
Good morning, sir. Mr Campbell-Black.

[journalist] Any comments on
the Uncensored documentary last night?

Good morning, everyone.
Happy Election Day.

Don't look too disappointed.

- Any comments on Uncensored last night?
- [doorbell rings]

[Gerald] Morning.

Message from CCHQ says we press ahead

with Rupert's scheduled appearances today,
no reference to the broadcast,

everything pointed towards
getting out the vote.

Um… How's he doing? I tried to call, but…

See for yourself.

[reporter] As the country heads to
the polls today for the general election,

the question on everyone's lips
isn't whether or not.

Mrs Thatcher's Conservative government
can hold on to power,

but how can Rupert Campbell-Black ever
come back from such a destructive exposé?

[Gerald] Has he been drinking all morning?

He's been drinking all night.

He hasn't been to bed.

But it's election day.

- Yep.
- [scoffs]

Couldn't you have persuaded him
to-to stop?

Really?

- I'm gonna call Helen again.
- Oh, my God.

He's been trying her all morning.

She's gonna go full Medea on me
after this.

[dialling]

[grunts]

[line clicks]

Yep.

- Rupert, please!
- [Sarah] Rupert.

- What… Rupert.
- I'll be back in a minute.

- [dogs barking]
- [stammers]

[sighs]

[all chattering]

[clamouring]

[journalist] Minister, any comment
on Uncensored last night?

Any comment on…

Beautiful morning,
ladies and gentlemen. [Sighs]

Don't forget to vote.

[clamouring continues]

Thank you. Thank you.

Hey!

Gonna pick up Caitlin from school.

[Declan] All right.

Is this journalism now, Daddy?

Destroying people's private lives?
I mean, the things she said about him.

Beattie's not the brilliant journalist
she thinks she is.

God, I hate that
he got you caught up in all this.

What's it mean for Venturer?

Don't know, love.

Don't know.

- [Monica] I'm disappointed, Tony.
- [door closes]

You do things like this in my name
as well as yours.

We're a partnership, a unit.
And we're strong.

And we agreed that you wouldn't deal
in dirty tricks any longer.

I know you and Rupert have
your differences,

but his poor wife and children.

Who's that?

That's your present.

- Oh, Tony. [Gasps]
- [peacock calls]

- [Tony] Happy Anniversary, darling.
- Oh, but it's not until Tuesday.

I got in early.

I thought you couldn't stand peacocks.

You always say
they look like rats in ball gowns.

The Falconry has been without peacocks
since you were a deb.

It's taken me far too long
to set it right.

- Mummy would be thrilled.
- Aw.

I'll need to be careful not to speed up
the drive late at night, eh?

[smacks lips]

I haven't got you anything yet.

Why don't you come to A Doll's House
with me this evening?

I'll shout you an ice cream
in the interval?

What, you want me to endure an evening of
Ibsen on the day of the general election?

Well, there's no point sitting on the sofa
waiting for the polls to close.

We'll spend the evening together.

It'll be good.

Well, you know how I love the theatre.

[chuckles]

[peacocks calling]

Vroom vroom.

[Monica] They're beautiful birds.

- [doorbell ringing]
- Helen! Helen, open the door!

You can't stop me
seeing my children, Helen!

Helen, I swear to God
I'll break this down!

- [horse whinnies]
- [Malise] Stand down!

Would you mind removing
your bloody finger from my doorbell?

Malise.

Helen's at school with Tabitha.

I don't suppose you're aware of anything

as parochial as the date
of your daughter's sports day.

You're not running in the fathers' race?

I don't qualify. [Grunts]

[grunts]

You haven't been to bed, have you?

You know what? I'm not taking
a lecture from you today, Malise.

f*ck you. f*ck Helen.
I need to see my children!

I'm their father.
Have you forgotten what that's like?

[grunting]

[Malise chuckles]

Don't you dare
talk to me about being a father.

You need to sober up.

How come you didn't know
what he was planning?

I can't manage Mother by myself anymore.

[stammers] I've been off work
moving her into a home.

Tony has been so kind.

He told me to take off
all the time that I needed,

even when we had
an episode of Uncensored to prep.

Kind or strategic?

I thought he was being supportive.

Subterfuge is extremely stressful,
you know?

We need to get you back to work,
find out what Tony's doing next.

But he's got what he wants.

Rupert's on his knees.

That'll never be enough for Tony.

He'll be coming for the rest of us.

[sighs] Do you think so? What do you mean?

- [Beattie] Hmm.
- [Tony] Mmm.

Fiendish of you to have a tape recorder
under the bed the whole time.

Well, it's amazing what men
will spill after they've spilled.

[chuckling]

What can I say?

You truly are guardian
of the nation's morals.

Oh, we aim to please.

You're about as keen to please
as a nuclear warhead.

As you say, Tony, I'm a public servant.

You're a public toilet.

[laughing]

You don't think it was a bit cruel?

You don't know what he did to me.

Proportionate response, Joyce.

Good night's work everyone.

- On we go.
- [Beattie sighs]

[inhales sharply] Are you hungry?

A big k*ll like this
always makes me voracious.

I could m*rder a Martini
and a bloody steak.

I know a little hotel, very discreet.

We'd be back in plenty of time
for the Election Special.

- What an enticing offer.
- Hmm.

But I'm afraid I'm going to the theatre
with my wife tonight.

[scoffs]

[laughs] That bump to the head
really did change you, Tony.

[laughs]

Elegantly handled.

It's like prising off a scorpion
before it stings you.

[trills lips]

[Freddie] All right,
quieten down everyone.

I'm sorry
that our first Venturer board meeting

is being convened at a moment of crisis.

Let's make this an orderly discussion.
I know how these things can get emotional.

So, Declan?

Thank you, Freddie.

So, bad news first.

The BBC have dropped
our Yeats documentary.

- [groaning, sighing]
- What?

They can't be tainted by association.

Also, I've had word from Charles

that Lady Gosling would like
to speak to me about the franchise bid.

- That's not the kind of...
- Is anyone else going to say it?

- Rupert should resign from the board.
- Thank you.

- No!
- Now hold on a minute.

The IBA is run by a woman, and as a woman,

I have to say that some of the comments
we heard on the television last night

were very hard to stomach.

[Cameron] They were private comments.

He didn't know Beattie had
a tape recorder under the bed.

She liked him talking about other women
he'd been with. It was her thing.

If this were anybody else,
wouldn't we be demanding that they resign?

As a group, what values do we stand for?

[crew chattering]

[Steve] All right, come on.

Easy there, easy.

[Deirdre] So,
we'll go in the order they're called.

- James, James?
- Hmm?

- Probably Cotchester first…
- Mmm. Right.

- …then Rutminster...
- Rutminster, Gloucester,

Chalford and Bisley, big swing
for the Tories, blah, blah, blah, blah…

We have Beattie Johnson
presenting the show…

Watch your feet there.

And James Vereker, of course,
back on his trusty swingometer.

Everyone, this is Mrs Menzies-Scott

who's joining Lady Gosling
on the board of the IBA

after a ten-year stint
chairing the Women's Institute.

So, used to making big decisions.

All set for tonight, g*ng?

Yes. Hopefully I won't have to do too much
swinging this evening, Lady Gosling!

And, Reverend Penney…

Congratulations on your
Campbell-Black exposé, Miss Johnson.

"I will end the haughtiness
of the arrogant

and lay low the pride of the ruthless."

[chuckles] "Let he that is without sin
cast the first stone."

[Tony] Well, thank goodness that, uh,

Campbell-Black chose that little Venturer
set-up over the Corinium board.

I'm sure the IBA
will align with the public

and take a stern view on his behaviour.

I shall be speaking
to Mr O'Hara in due course.

One thing I'm curious about,
Lord Baddingham?

Yes?

As a prominent supporter
of the government,

isn't it rather an own-goal
to demolish Campbell-Black's reputation

the night before the country
goes to the polls?

Well, Sally, as someone who cares deeply

about the reputation
of our political system,

I would say it's paramount
we make it clear to the country

that we see no place for behaviour

like Campbell-Black's
in the modern government,

which is, of course,
bigger than any individual member.

I can't help thinking Mrs Thatcher
would agree.

[chuckling] Rupert always had
a rapier wit. Milk Snatcher.

- [chuckles] I spat out my sherry.
- [people laughing]

[chuckles]

Sorry.

[Tony groans]

Archie's been writing to me at school.

Archie Baddingham? Caitlin.

He sent me a mix tape! It's mostly metal,
but he also put Caravan of Love on it.

So either he loves me
or he wants to have sex in a caravan.

[squeals]

It's not just Rupert's reputation.

If he's losing us work, it's a problem.

I'm here to make telly.
The Yeats program me is your baby.

- Yeah, we'll sell it somewhere else, Mike.
- Will anyone else take it now?

I've had the Archbishop
of Canterbury on the phone.

This is a very difficult position

for those of us
on the board as moral advisers.

Ah, it's all just rubbish anyway.

Well, it's actually all true, Wes.

I was at that party with
Johnny Friedlander and believe me,

Rupert's never been
monogamous in his life.

I mean, until now.

[Wesley] So,
even the three women at once thing?

Well, it sounds jolly tiring!

- [laughing]
- [Enid] Look at you.

You're all as bad as each other.

Sniggering schoolboys!

Okay, I think it should take more

than a Corinium smear campaign
to pull us apart.

Freddie?

Very quiet.

[Freddie] We'll struggle to do it
without Rupert.

It's not just the profile.

We need his financial stake.

[Declan] But?

But a good public reputation
is crucial for a company.

And Rupert's flushed ours down the karzy.

[inhales deeply] I spoke to my father.

What did he say?

[sighs]

Toshi… [speaks Japanese]

[sighs]

[speaks Japanese]

[both speaking Japanese]

So, Toshi's dad will cover Rupert's stake.

But he needs to know that
he's not part of the company anymore.

- [sighs]
- [Taggie] Phone, Daddy.

Not now, sweetheart.

[stammers] It's Mummy.
She says it's urgent.

- Go.
- [stammers] Just press pause, okay?

[sighs]

[Declan] I got it, Tag. Hello, love.

Nathalie Perrault has got food poisoning.

- She can't go on tonight.
- Maud, darling, I really can't ta...

[Maud] I'm the understudy.
I'm going on for her…

To play Nora.

Can you come? I mean, if you got
in the car now, you'd make curtain up.

Have you seen the newspapers?

[sighs, stammers] It's Rupert.

He's always in some scrape or other.

I need you.

- Please?
- Don't worry, love. You'll be wonderful.

My guys are tearing each other
to bits here.

If I leave now, the company could crumble.

- [huffs] What, you're not coming?
- It's Venturer, love.

[sighs]

[exhales heavily]

But-But it's not dishonest, is it?
Rupert is just Rupert.

Always has been, take it or leave it.

I mean, I-I personally
think people find it refreshing.

The archbishop doesn't!

[Basil] Doesn't he have
anything better to do?

I mean, how narrow-minded and prurient do
you have to be to think this is a problem?

[Enid] How thoughtless and ignorant
do you have to be to think it isn't?

I thought you're a bohemian.
Who here doesn't have a past?

Not one that Beattie Johnson
would be interested in.

Well, I don't imagine
she gets down to Glyndebourne much.

I'm sorry, it's him or me.

- Okay, whatever happened to loyalty?
- Cameron.

Us against the world?
Are we gonna take this?

Let's face it,
a direct attack from Tony Baddingham,

are we gonna take it lying down?

I'm all for love and forgiveness,

but I simply don't see
how our franchise bid can survive this.

What about we just take a vote?
Democracy in action.

f*ck democracy!

You know what I mean.

You can abstain, Cameron.

[Freddie] You'd better go while we vote.

Mike, Patrick, you're not on the board
so you should step out as well.

This isn't the Venturer I signed up for.

Rupert would swim through
shark-infested water

for any one of you
if this were the other way round.

Whatever you decide,

please God have the grace
to wait until after the election

before you tell him
he's been subjected to another vote.

[♪ Opera music plays]

You okay?

This is such a f*cking mess.

Why do you defend him?

Because I love him.

Because he fought for me.

Now it's my time to fight for him.

Okay.

How do we do this?

[sighs]

[cloth rubbing]

Coffee.

No, thank you.

It's not a question. Sit.

{\an8}[Malise] The Times, The Telegraph,

Today, The Mail,
The Mirror and The Scorpion.

You're on the front page of all of them.

Photographers have already set up camp
outside waiting for you to leave.

[sighs] I'm glad to see you've dressed up
for my dressing-down.

For God's sake, Rupert, grow up!

We're all tired of the wanton schoolboy
playing everything for a laugh.

Might have been endearing in a young buck,

but in a man nearing 40,

I'm afraid it's long ago passed over into

[sighs] pathetic.

Right.

[Malise] Needless to say, Helen's furious.

[smacks lips]

Needless to say.

[Malise] Oh, she knew you'd been
unfaithful to her during the marriage,

but she had no idea
of the scale of her humiliation.

Well, thank God you saved her from me.

We both know I didn't take Helen from you.

You'd broken her a long time
before I put her back together.

And I'm damned
if I'll let you break her again.

Oh, come on, Malise!

Who doesn't have
their sexual peccadilloes?

[scoffs]

I know Helen's tastes are pretty vanilla,
but I'm sure you've used your riding crop

on her a couple of times.

Your daughter was in tears this morning

because she's afraid
that you're going to die of A*DS.

You've lost your wife,
and you're about to lose your children

because you can't keep your bloody c*ck
inside your trousers.

Of course, the irony in all that is…

- Is that I have stopped.
- [groans]

Everything she exposed
in that broadcast was years ago.

Oh, really?

Sarah Stratton? Nathalie Perrault?

Months ago. And…

They were the last.

[sighs] I'm not excusing what's happened…

But Beattie let me confide in her
at a time when I needed to,

and I had no idea she was recording
every word of it to use against me later.

Of course I told her hundreds
of good things about Helen,

but they didn't broadcast any of that.

But don't worry, I'll get what I deserve.

I'm gonna lose my seat tonight.

Yes, most likely.

But you've been dropped from
the national team before and bounced back.

You learnt then, didn't you?
Pulled yourself together.

When Timmie died…

I swore if I couldn't look after him,

I'd take good care of
the young riders on the team.

Keep you close,

stop you repeating your mistakes
again and again.

[scoffs] But of course, it was hopeless.

I used to blame myself,

but the rot in you had set in
long before I came on the scene.

Your father gave you
the worst possible example.

You can do better for your children.

They love you, the poor little buggers.

For me?

Mmm.

Put these on
and go and cast your vote with dignity.

[inhales deeply]

Thank you.

[inhales sharply] I hope
I can count on your vote, Malise?

[chuckles]

I shall be voting for the Liberals.

[theatregoers chattering]

Oh! Nathalie's not on tonight.

"Tonight the role of Nora
will be played by Maud O'Hara."

Oh, God, it gets worse.
Let's just go for dinner.

Oh, no, no,
let's give her a chance now we're here.

We'd only be at home
waiting for the results.

- Oh. Darling, oh!
- [bell rings]

[Beattie] Later tonight,
we'll be bringing you

all the live updates from
the Central South West region.

[James] Plus in-depth analysis
of the results as they come in,

served with a generous helping
of Corinium charm.

- [Beattie chuckles]
- Look, there's Daddy.

[Beattie] But first let's go over
to the ITN newsroom.

- [Trevor] Good evening.
- [knocking on window]

The campaigns are over,
the polls are open…

[report on television
continues indistinctly]

[Freddie] I know I shouldn't be here.

I just wanted to talk to you.

It's been a terrible day.

[laughs] I thought if James was
on the telly, he couldn't be here, so…

Oh. Well,
I'm cooking supper for the children.

Of course, I'm sorry.

Is that a potato waffle?

- Mm-hmm.
- Because, um…

- Mmm. Here.
- [chuckles]

I haven't eaten all day.

We've been arguing about Rupert.

- Oh.
- Declan's had us put it to a vote.

Oh. What did you do?

- I voted for Rupert to stay.
- Oh, good.

Of course, he's behaved awfully,

but I've always felt it's our job
as his friends to stay loyal,

to steer him onto the path.

We've all done things.

I knew you was gonna say
something wise like that.

Val's worried he's going to invite us in
for a threesome,

so she's ripped out
all the pampas grass just in case.

[chuckles]

But Rupert's staying?

Well, Declan's got the casting vote.

I left them to it. It didn't feel right.

- [Sebastian] Mummy!
- [mutters]

[exhales heavily] I'm gonna go home.

Where do you stand on fish fingers?

I can't get enough of them. [Chuckles]

[Ellie chuckling]

[Freddie growling]

- [screams]
- [Freddie laughs]

Okay, come on,
upstairs now for teeth brushing, please.

- No!
- No!

You'd better listen to your mum,
or all your teeth will fall out.

- Oh, no, I've got no teeth.
- [both children laughing]

Where's my teeth gone? [Screams]

You're funny, Mr Jones.

Thank you, Mr Vereker.

- I am Sebastian.
- Well, I'm Freddie.

- [both] Freddie!
- Okay, upstairs now!

- Go on. [Groans]
- [chuckling]

[sighs] Why are all posh people
called Sebastian?

We're not posh people.

- You're posher than me.
- [chuckles]

- [groans]
- [chuckles] Oh, dear.

- Are you all right?
- [Freddie] Yeah.

Have you got a wheelchair?

Well, James treats me like a wheelchair.

Something he can fall back on in old age.

Ah.

Why did you marry him?

Because he asked me.

Why did you marry Valerie?

I loved her.

[♪ Gentle music plays]

[Ellie] Mummy!

- I should go. [Chuckles softly]
- Mmm.

[inhales deeply]

Roar.

[Ellie] Where are you?

Goodnight, Freddie.

Goodnight, Lizzie.

[♪ Opera music playing]

[footsteps approaching]

Ta-da!

- [chuckles]
- Blimey.

- Look at you.
- [Valerie sighs] Oh.

Doesn't he look fantastic? [Chuckles]

We spent the whole day
at the school outfitters.

[Freddie] Proper gentleman.

He looks like a penguin.

[Valerie] Sharon, stop it!

[sighing] Oh.

Look what we've done, eh? [Chuckles]

Our boy. [Chuckles]

I'm proud of you. [Kisses]

We bought everything on the list.

Cricket kit, football kit, swimming kit,

tennis kit, rugby kit, fencing kit,
all the kits. [Chuckles]

I'm proud of you and all.

Won't be many Joneses boys
on that rugby team, will there, son, eh?

Now Eton rules says
we can't see you for the first month

so you're gonna have to be brave, Wayne.

Okay? No crying like a ninny.

Now, most of them other boys,
they've been away from home

since they were babies.

Sharon, come on, stop being so lazy

and help me get the rest of the bags
out the car, you lump.

Honestly.

[breathes deeply]
I don't know how I'm gonna cope

not seeing that cheeky little mug
for that long.

You sure you want this?

It makes Mum happy.

Can I take this off now?

Yeah, son. Go on.

- Wasn't she wonderful?
- Mmm.

A revelation.

I think you may have found your Titania.

Maud? I couldn't cast Maud O'Hara.

Declan would howl.

Let's go round and see her, shall we?

[♪ Jazz music plays]

Congratulations! Woman of the hour.

[scoffs] Woman of the half-hour call.

I mean, this is unexpected and nice.

After thinking
I didn't have anyone in tonight.

Oh, yes,
I'm sorry none of your family were there.

- I'm not.
- [stammers] Tony!

Isn't he awful? [Chuckles]

I'm not complaining.
This is extremely nice wine.

We usually end up at a sticky table
at the Coach and Horses. [Chuckles]

Well, not for long.

- Tony, tell her.
- Ah, yes.

[clicks tongue] Monica's had an idea.

- Oh?
- And I think it's a rather good one.

I would like to offer you a role

in Corinium's production
of A Midsummer Night's Dream.

The leading lady, Titania,
Queen of the Fairies.

[chuckling] I think Maud knows
her Shakespeare, darling.

It's our flagship project,
filmed at Corinium

with a live audience,
broadcast on the network,

with a subsequent video release
for schools all over the country.

- It's going to have quite a reach.
- [Tony] Mmm.

God…

I mean, thank you. Thank you.

I mean,
obviously I'll have to speak with my...

Your husband. Yes, of course.

[sucks teeth] I was going to say my agent.

[Tony grunts]

- [chuckles] Oh, Ibsen would be proud.
- [chuckles]

[Monica] Thank you.

[chuckles]

[sighs]

[chuckles]

[Steve] Ready to go live, studio.

Countdown to handover to ITN
in five, four, three…

Good evening.

And welcome to the Cotswold Round-Up
Election Special.

Let's go over to our outside
broadcast unit in Cotchester now.

Where I am being told…

Yes, Paul Stratton has retained
his seat for the Conservatives.

[Paul] I'd like to give thanks
to all my supporters,

my constituency staff,
and to my wonderful secretary, Samantha.

And, of course, I would like to thank

my daughters Penelope and Cressida.

Uh, to my father Desmond Stratton QC
for his sage advice during this election,

and finally to my schnauzer,
Sultan, for being there.

- Good boy, Sultan. Thank you.
- [audience cheering]

- [sobs]
- [Beattie] Paul Stratton

holds Cotchester for the Conservatives.

All eyes now turn to Chalford and Bisley

where Rupert Campbell-Black's seat
hangs in the balance

after last night's shocking exposé.

Over to James and his swingometer.

Paul Stratton retaining his majority
by more than 15,000.

A decisive win there.

Oh, no, don't go that way…
No, not that… No, no…

[clears throat] Uh, I'll just hold it.

[chuckling, clears throat] It don't mean
a thing if it ain't got that swing!

Beattie.

Head up, okay?

Act like nothing's wrong
and people will believe it.

Whatever happens, I-I just want to say it
has been an honour to serve with you and...

All right, Gerald,
we're not going over the top.

[♪ Opera music plays]

Ready?

[sighs]

Ready.

[♪ Music crescendos]

Chalford and Bisley are about to declare.

Stand by for outside broadcast!

[Beattie] And I'm just hearing now
that we can go over to Chalford and Bisley

for the announcement of today's results.

We weren't expecting you
back tonight, Tony.

- I wouldn't miss this for the world!
- [chuckles]

And cut to outside broadcast.

[♪ Dramatic music plays]

[Patricia] As returning officer for
the Chalford and Bisley Constituency,

I hereby declare

that the total number of votes
for each candidate was as follows.

Michael Seaborne,
Labour Party candidate: 5,342.

David Edwards,
known as Baa Baa Woolly Ramsbottom,

Cotswold Loony Party: 283.

Baa!

Baa! Yes!

[Patricia] Margaret Baldwin,
Liberal Party.



Rupert Campbell-Black, Conservative Party.

[music stops]



Wow!

[Patricia] I do hereby declare
that Rupert Campbell-Black

is duly elected Member of Parliament
for Chalford and Bisley…

[cheering]

…and retains the seat
for the Conservative Party.

- Go up, go up.
- [chattering]

[♪ dramatic music plays]

- [Gerald] We did it!
- Well done, Gerry!

[Rupert] Thank you. Thank you all.

I will do my absolute utmost
to deserve your confidence.

Onward.

- [crowd] Onward!
- [reporter on TV] Rupert Campbell-Black,

re-elected as Member of Parliament
for Chalford and Bisley,

kisses his girlfriend,
television executive Cameron Cook.

[applause, cheering continue
on television]

{\an8}[commentator on TV] If you're just joining
us, 88 results have been declared so far.

In the last few moments, disgraced
Minister for Sport Rupert Campbell-Black

has surprised everyone by
retaining Chalford and Bisley…

[♪ Opera music plays]

[no audible dialogue]

They just announced.

He won, didn't he?

[laughs] How does he do it?

He's still their Olympic hero.

Not to those who really know him.

He's even got you on side. Look. [Sighs]

[Malise] He still needs
a father figure sometimes.

Or maybe you still need a son.

[clicks tongue] I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

I sometimes think that you see Rupert
through rose-tinted glasses

because you miss Timmie.

And it pains me because I am pretty sure
that Rupert is no kind of substitute.

Rupert is a danger to everyone
around him when he's a loose cannon.

It's a good thing that he kept his seat.

If Rupert were a woman,

he would be tarred and feathered
and dragged by his hair

- through the streets of Cotchester.
- Oh, for God's sake, Helen.

He gets a seat in Parliament.
All I get is to suffer by association.

To look and feel stupid
that I was ever married to him,

that I ever had his children!

No matter what I do, I will always be
the Olympic hero's embarrassed first wife!

[inhales deeply]

- Come on.
- [sighs]

- [chuckles]
- [sighs]

What happened to you in Kenya?

What? [Inhales sharply]

You never told me about Kenya.
What happened to you there?

No, no, I… I didn't. [Sighs]

I didn't want to because I knew
you would think differently of me.

Oh, and so you do.

I think you should sleep
in the spare room tonight.

[scoffs]

Which one?

[breathing heavily]

[♪ "The Chicken Song" plays]

♪ Hold a chicken in the air ♪

♪ Stick a deckchair up your nose ♪

♪ Buy a jumbo jet
And then bury all your clothes ♪

♪ Paint your left knee green ♪

♪ Then extract your wisdom teeth ♪

♪ Form a string quartet ♪

♪ And pretend your name is Keith ♪

♪ Skin yourself alive ♪

♪ Learn to speak Arapaho ♪

♪ Climb inside a dog
And behead an Eskimo ♪

[chuckles]

What the f*ck is this?

[laughs] It's, uh, "The Chicken Song".

What?

Um, Spitting Image.

- It's a parody.
- Of what?

- Rupert! Ooh. [Laughs]
- Ooh.

[laughs]

- Okay, come on. Let's go home.
- [Rupert] What?

I've just won the general bloody election!

Actually, Mrs Thatcher
just won the general bloody election.

Honey,
I need to talk to you about Venturer.

No, no, no, no. We're celebrating.

Venturer won the election!

Ooh.

I'm going to bed.

Uh… [sighs] Fine, fine, fine.

- I'll-I'll-I'll come with you.
- No, no, no.

[stammers] Celebrate.

It's your party.

♪ The sound is loud and grating ♪

♪ It's truly nauseating ♪

♪ Let's do the dance again ♪

♪ Hold a chicken in the air ♪

♪ Stick a deckchair up your nose ♪

♪ Buy a jumbo jet
And then bury all your clothes ♪

[song ends]

- [grunts]
- Take that, Dimbleby.

As always,
the great British public voted for Mummy.

[clears throat] How about we
go somewhere and celebrate?

- You and me?
- Why not?

I'll check under the bed
for tape recorders.

- [laughs] Okay, then.
- [laughs]

- Really?
- No.

Oh. [Stammers] Look...

Ooh. I thought you were wonderful, James.

[James] Ah. Hey, team.

Who's up for partying? [Chuckles]

I could have a quick beverage.

Uh, Daysee, going somewhere nice?

Lock-in with the OB crew
at the Cotchester Arms.

[James] What, cider with the camera boys?

I've got, uh, Bolly in my dressing room.

No, thank you.

Well, come on, Daysee. Why the sad face?

- You used to be much more up for partying.
- f*ck off.

[stammers] Little Daysee just
told me to F off.

- [chuckles]
- [chuckles]

[sighs] Uh, Deirdre?

Yes, James?

Call me a cab home.
There's a love. [Grunts]

[reporter on TV] …won by retaining
his Chalford and Bisley seat

with an overwhelming majority.

[sniffles] Where's Rupert?

I left him at the party,
sticking a deckchair up his nose.

[laughs]

[crying]

What's wrong now?

Paul won his seat.

[Sarah sobs]

Do you wanna be married to him or not?

If you do, stop being a whiny little b*tch
and go back to your house.

[scoffs] You can't talk to me like that.

I just did.

[scoffs]

[footsteps approaching]

[James sighs]

[James sighs]

[sighs] The buzz, darling,
of revealing to the nation

the results of their little pencil marks.

Oh, you-you were brilliant.

Beattie bloody bum f*ck
bloody Johnson getting all the glory.

[grunts] Maybe next year
I can ask for a bigger pendulum.

[Lizzie] Yes.

Oh. [Chuckles] Speaking of pendulums…

Looks like my election erection's
coming out to play again.

Yes, it is.

[clears throat, mutters]

Hmm?

[inhales deeply] Oh. Oh.

[clicks tongue, sighs]
I've brushed my teeth.

[sighs] Fine. We'll just have sex.

- Okay.
- [clears throat]

[inhales sharply] Come on. [Sighs]

Do you know,
people really do underestimate me.

- Mmm.
- And I'd be shocked if after tonight,

Venturer don't try to poach me.
Or better yet, persuade me to be a mole.

- [chuckles]
- I'd be a fantastic double agent.

- Mmm.
- Oh! Come on, open a little wider, Lizzie.

I can't get it in. [Grunts]

James "The Mole" Vereker. Ooh, there.

- [grunts] That's the job, Lizzie.
- [moans]

- Good girl. Open up the burrow.
- [moans]

[moans, chuckles]

♪ I am a mole and I live in a hole ♪

- ♪ I am a mole and I live in a hole ♪
- [inhales sharply, moans]

[vocalises]
♪ I am a mole and I live in a… ♪

[both moaning]

♪ …hole ♪

- [moans]
- Oh.

- Oh.
- [breathing deeply]

[both moaning]

Oh, Lizzie.

- [chuckles]
- [sighs]

[laughs]

I am a kite and you are my bollard.

[grunting]

[sighs]

[buzzard shrieks]

Oh, darling. You're home.

Congratulations. You won.

I made you breakfast.

You must be exhausted
after all that celebrating. [Chuckles]

I'm so sorry
about that stupid fight that we had.

[sighing] It was just my hormones.

Wasn't your fault at all.

- But the baby?
- Your baby.

I've been so mean to you, Paulie.

I just want us
to be a proper little family.

I'm so happy.

[chuckles]

You know,

some women find that the second trimester…

[♪ Classical music plays]

…is the horniest three months
of their life.

[giggles]

[chuckles]

[doorbell rings]

[pounding on door]

Gerald. I was in bed.

Well, I've… I've come to join you.

- [chuckles]
- Oh.

[both moaning]

[panting, moaning]

I can't believe Rupert actually did it.
[pants] He's Superman.

- [chuckles]
- Should I be jealous?

I'd do anything for Rupert,
but it's you I'm really in love with.

Uh, uh, you and Mrs Thatcher.

[moans]

Oh, I think my erection just died.

Oh, no. Really?

Yes, just-just-just stop
talking about Mrs Thatcher.

Sorry, sorry.

[chuckles]

You know I want to be an MP, Charles.

And that's why you're getting married
to a woman that you don't love

and throwing away all your principles
to work for a party

that's taking away g*y men's rights
to even be considered human beings.

- I'm going to change things.
- [chuckles]

From the inside.

- Really?
- Why not?

[moaning, laughing]

You know,
Gerald congratulated me last night

on being a perfect politician's wife.

Gerald was very drunk.

I mean, what does that even look like?

Put up and shut up?

Well, that's not your style, is it?

You know I supported you because I
don't think what happened to you was fair.

I can't deny anything Beattie said.

It's all true.

You don't have to.

You are a whole person.

And I love you.

[♪ Opera music plays]

I'll take the dogs out.

I adore you. Thank you for supporting me.

[dog barking]

[speaks indistinctly] Yes!

Oh, yes!

Oh, are you leaving me alone?

Oh, all right. Okay, okay.

Downing Street were just on the phone.

Mrs Thatcher wants to see you.

[grunts]

I know it smarts, darling,
but whatever you think about Rupert...

You know, I really couldn't do all this
without your support.

All your ideas.

You're my secret weapon.

It cuts both ways, darling. We're a team.

I think we've come out of
this unpleasantness stronger than ever.

[huffs] Look at him.
I mean, who does he think he is?

Bloody Sir Lancelot?

Sir f*ck. [Chuckles]

[laughing]

You'll stop this feud
with Rupert now, yes?

Please.

I will…

Stop the feud with Rupert.

How did last night go for your mother?

- Did she call?
- Mm-mmm. She didn't call.

- Eggs, Daddy?
- No, I couldn't eat, Tag.

Mrs Thatcher's third landslide.

Poor Mr Kinnock should just give up.
She's gonna be Prime Minister forever.

Change is hard.

It scares people,
so they stick with the status quo.

- Well, that's depressing.
- [car horn honks]

- That's Freddie.
- [Taggie] Are you gonna talk to Rupert?

What have you decided?

I mean, surely if he won the election,
you'd…

Uh, I thought you'd want to know,

there's a press conference
about to start at Downing Street.

Let's hear what Maggie
has to say for herself then.

It's not Mrs Thatcher. It's Rupert.

- [reporters clamouring]
- [shutters clicking]

Thank you, gentlemen, ladies.

I've spoken to Mrs Thatcher
in light of the Uncensored program me

the night before last and the coverage
that broadcast generated.

I told the Prime Minister

that although I won my seat
in yesterday's general election,

I do not want the scandal around me
to distract from the important work

that our government is doing.

It was therefore
with deep regret that I tendered,

and the Prime Minister accepted,

my resignation as an MP and a Minister.

[reporters clamouring]

There'll be another statement
in due course, gentlemen.

Thank you very much.

Seems you've won after all, my Lord.

[Ginger chuckles]

[chuckles]

One down, three to go.

[♪ "Love Will Tear Us Apart" playing]

[sighs] All right. Tell me.

Do you need me to go?

It's been a pleasure.

[♪ Song fades]

[♪ Opera music plays]